the sad part that no one talks about is therapy is usually expensive, and people with BPD may be less likely to have the money to afford it, given that their emotional instability has a not insignificant chance of affecting their ability to hold down jobs. my best friend has BPD. she's been homeless for large portions of her life, and her condition plays a role in that. it makes me very sad.

Therapy turned into a trigger for me. Talking about everything every week and dredging things up that we had already addressed over and over became really frustrating. I worked really hard, but it made things worse. To everyone who has replied to this comment, thank you so much. I think this was about 3 years ago and I did not have a great therapist. I'm in therapy again and my current therapist is amazing so again thank you all for the encouragement and advice. It all helps so much :)

Therapist is the reason I quit therapy. Last time the psychologist (who insisted I had to confront my trauma since day 1) made me see a psychiatrist, who gave me a bunch of medication that had "suicidal thoughts" as secondary effects. I tried to kill myself two months into medication, both "professionals" were oblivious on why I did such thing. I've been meditating, doing inner work, listening to subliminal audios and I've held a job for almost 3 years now and have had a nice, healthy relationship for almost a year. I am fine.

Please Dr. Fox do videos on parenting with BPD. There's so little information about this online and it's so important.

Just broke up with another therapist I'm feeling called out 😂👏🏻 fml. Thank you for being a very helpful, consistent & reliable resource.

sometimes i get really moody about going to therapy and i feel like my therapist is just being condescending and wont help me :( . im getting over those thoughts and have a good therapist but ive been flung around from therapist to therapist for unrelated reasons and its stressful and annoying

I was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and GAD at age 29, they put me on the waiting list right away, I just couldn’t wait to start DBT, I just couldn’t wait, I was suffering every single day with my thoughts and emotions, every day was a rollercoaster of emotions, my romantic relationships were a disaster, I choose the wrong people that were emotionally unavailable all the time that triggered me even more, so every time I dared to be in a relationship it destroyed me, my fear of losing them( even if they were not treating me good I would of stayed and suffered, on my good days I asked myself “why do I let this happen to myself?!”), if I wasn’t in a relationship that was also devastating, it was just a nightmare, my life was a nightmare and I hated my life....I know the diagnoses stick to me forever, it’s on my chart forever, I was so scared to be diagnosed because of the stigma, because people judge you, they don’t think like maybe she doesn’t do these things on purpose, but a friend of mine asked me”would you be diagnosed and be treated and live a finally happy life, maybe have a husband, maybe have kids and family or you just stay without the diagnoses and be miserable all of your life until you might end your own life without actually wanting to end it, maybe just because one day you became too emotional”....now I have been in DBT for almost a year, I got engaged, in three months we fell pregnant, we planned this baby, now I’m on the 11th week of pregnancy tobacco and alcohol free of course, my fiancée is the most supportive person and encouraging me every day to do the homework, to call my therapist if I suffer with my thoughts and ask for help. My fiancée knows that it’ll never go away completely. Therapy helped me accept my parents the way they are and how to set up boundary for others and for myself too. Those maladaptive behaviors can lead to real suffer, some of them, the consequences forever unfortunately, I cannot turn back time and change things, I have to accept them and just let them go....this is what it is. I’m just very happy that I wanted the change in my life and I was ready for it very much! Therapy is not easy, change is not easy, I was doing the same thing over and over without actually sitting with my own emotions and experiencing them, I needed a quick fix that take my mind off of myself...it’s hard to start to apply new coping skills because I was used to my bad ones , but again the consequences...

As usual, you are right on Dr. Fox. I knew from a very early age that "something was wrong" with me that my reactions to things were "off" from other people. I just didn't know what was wrong but I knew down deep that I needed help. When first I was hospitalized and received BPD diagnosis, first, I knew they were right (as I did some research on BPD), and second, I then knew that there was something I could work on and not only longed to work on myself but worked VERY hard at trying to improve. It wasn't easy but I was determined to do whatever I could to live a happier life. I struggled through so much (cutting, anorexia, disassociation etc.) and fell back many times but I was determined to be able to feel better. It was a long hard road and with setbacks but I never gave up and it is oh soooo worth it. I have times when I might fall back into old habits but I now understand what is happening and can use the tools I've learned to work through it. You can do it. Even with all my therapy Dr. Fox, I've never come across anyone as knowledgeable as yourself. You are always "right on". It was a long hard road for me but so so worth it. With much effort, lots of determination and the help of someone such as yourself, it can be done. Again, thank you for all your wonderful information Dr. Fox.

The only reason I haven't gotten treatment is because I cannot financially afford it. I want therapy badly, because I have all the traits of BPD and want to get over these things that BPD comes with. I'm so tired of being overrun by some of the problems that BPD shows itself with.

Ive had my therapist fall asleep during our sessions when I was 14. Ever since then I have had trouble finding therapist that can help. I really want to get help but I cannot afford it and I am afraid of that past experience will happen again. I truly feel that I need it but frustrated because I feel stuck without professional help.

In the beginning I couldnt get on with therapy because I didnt understand bpd, and I hated when they kept asking why do you do such an such, how do you feel, why do you feel like that. Omg I wanted to scream I dont f*$%ing know, how am I suppose to know answers to all your questions. And I'd shut down, like completely shut down and not speak. I struggled with talking anyway, most of the time I wrote down things which was abit of pain for some health professionals. But no body ever stuck around long enough, I think in a way, I did those things to see if they would stick around & I kind of was like see no body cares, I'm too much to handle. 🤦‍♀️ Now after 10 yrs of struggling , I've found a great therapist who has really helped me understand bpd and what it likes for me as a individual, because we have the label but it doesn't mean it effects it us same way. And I like how she doent focus on all negative stuff, we try find the positive bits of having bpd. :) I havnt really got to the hard stuff with her yet, I think we have tried, but I shut down which is really frustrating for me, but we talk about that and work through that instead. I do get frustrated alot. Hopefully one day I wont shut down and I can go through it.

I usually admire your thoughts, but not this time. You emphasized the patient’s resistance and imply if they’d just get into treatment, they’d get well. I wish. I’m 71, BPD (although nobody bothered to tell me my real diagnosis until recently, but I now find out they’ve known all along.). Oh how I wanted help. My adolescence, adulthood, and senior years have all been miserable. I’ve sought out maybe 25 therapists and not one had a clue what I was talking about, or what to do. No one ever mentioned DBT. NOW I’m warehoused in a nursing home waiting to die of something or other. The psych folks here dropped me on my second day. I probably could have had a very different life if I’d found the right therapist, but in 1963, and forever onward , how do you do that? Too late for me but I’m hearing a lot of blaming the victim in this lecture.

My ex struggles with anxiety and depression (she also displays a few BPD traits, however she never expressed to me that she experienced a fear of abandonment). Watching her spiral downward was difficult, and I felt hopeless because I knew she wasn’t (and isn’t) ready to seek treatment. She’s afraid of seeing the ‘talking doctor’ (my nickname for mental health professionals). Accepting that I couldn’t just set up an appointment for her, and drop her off at the therapist’s office, was hard. She wants me to talk her through her mental health issues, but I’m absolutely not a mental health professional - I can’t help her, I can only support her when she decides she’s ready to seek treatment. Ultimately, her decisions ruined our romantic relationship, but I don’t resent her for being lost in her mental illness. I just think it’s a shame she hasn’t found the strength to seek help, yet.

8 hours with you sounds magnificent.

Dr. Fox, your videos have been so incredibly helpful for myself and I’m sure for many others. Thank you so much for sharing and for going into such detail and really taking the time to break down all of the different topics you’ve touched on concerning BPD. It’s brought tremendous understanding and it’s been very comforting to know that there’s a light at the end of all of this! Thank you for your positive and “non-condemning” attitude (if that’s even a word? You get it).

Therapy has been a disaster for me. But something happened that got me thinking. I was very upset about something that happened at work, and I had a conversation with my boss about it. As I was talking to him, I noticed my anger and my pain slowly went away. It was very unusual. And something happened after I got calm, I started listening to him, and we had a real discussion. I think the mistake most therapists make is they jump right into confrontation, while the person is upset and in pain, and they don't take the time to listen. My boss really opened my eyes. Maybe the reason why therapy has been such a painful disaster for so many years is that I never experienced therapy in the first place.

Thank you for your videos, Dr. Fox. I wish my mom would go to therapy. She has been diagnosed twice and tried therapy until she realized that she would have to give up her maladaptive behaviors. Since then she has chosen her behaviors over her family, and has driven most of her kids/spouse/siblings/etc away from her through vicious manipulation and gaslighting. This causes her to despair, but apparently not enough to give them up. It hurts me to have to cut ties, but it hurts more to be living in her version of Wonderland with no hope of relief.

I've watched and observed others talking about BPD and Daniel you are the only one that I've come across that has empathy and understanding. So respectful. Thankyou for making us feel human ❤💙💜👍👌

I don't go because I don't have a job to pay therapy because of my depression and bpd. Besides, it's usually very expensive and too short (45 minutes). I'm even a therapist and I think there are professional rules like the timing of therapy that are not helpful and should be dated. Or we should receive more support from our therapists, not only 1 day per week.

Thank you so much fo rproviding an open minded, professional perspective on this issue. I've struggle with BPD my entire life and I'm now seeking help for it. Watching your videos help me understand how to explain my issues to people who don't understand because I feel that's one of the hardest parts of this disorder. Because it's so challenging to deal with as a sufferer, it affects everyone around you. I really appreciate educators like you who are patient, comapssionate and willing to learn.

Hey! That spark on 4:02 was very refreshing to see in your videos. The ums, the laughs. Natural, goofy and humane. It makes it look like a person is sharing information rather than a video. Have a good day!!

Hello. Thank you so much for sharing these videos to help understand this condition. Mostly, thank you for the hope. I am 52, and have been with my husband since I was 15. We are married 33 of those years. His condition (undiagnosed) seems to me to be related to BPD. I know he knows there is a problem and we have been to counseling a few different times over the years, but it NEVER lasts long. Recently he crossed a line with me and I cannot take this anymore. I am completely shut down and my own emotional, mental and physical health is destroyed. He is about to lose his job as well because his anger has become rage. He can no longer control it at home or otherwise. I live in Knoxville TN and my last ditch effort is to suggest a therapist that SPECIALIZES in this. It's my opinion that if he doesnt find the right person at this pivotal time, he never will. And if he doesnt try, I must get away. How do I find someone in this area that knows what YOU know? I have become very scared for my safety. This is the last step I can take.

It's not the therapy itself, it's the fact I have to do it. I've had 30+ years of counselling and (useless) meds. Currently on a waiting list to see a psychiatrist (NHS UK). How do I get past this anger and resentment that yet again, it's *me* that has to do it, I have to change, I have to behave differently, I have to conform, I have to fit in with a society I don't even want to be a part of. The child in me is screaming - "why me? Again! Its not fair! Why can't you all fit in and conform to me for a change?" I know how it comes across but in the moment I can't get my head round it. Even now, I'm rationalizing it ... And arguing with myself I'm so tired.

Thankyou Daniel fox you have been very helpful your compassionate approach must be a big part of your success.

I know that I need to look for a new therapist this year, and I feel SO MUCH DREAD because it takes so long for me to even begin opening up to new people, and I don't know if I'll be worse off than I am with my current therapist. As far as encouraging other people, I've tried to share some of the positive experiences I've had and the changes I've seen in my life when I am able to be in regular treatment. Treatment is frustrating so I try not to make it sound like this easy, amazing process, and I try to never push it too hard on friends or partners, but I think if people see that the positive outweighs the negative and they hear about someone navigating that experience in a positive way, that will make them feel empowered to make that leap when they're ready.

I have a pretty extreme white coat fear. I know I need therapy, I want to go, but it's so, so hard for me to get it together to get there, and my anxiety is super intense. Looking forward to some insight about myself and maybe some tips in this vid!!

My therapists keep leaving me...

I've been listening to your videos all day and thank you for helping me cope with a panic situation. I'm 42 and began having panic attacks in my teens and they got worse in my 20s. I had a therapist in New York a decade ago who diagnosed me with BPD despite many diagnoses previously of bipolar. I stand by her diagnosis and reached out to therapy again a few years ago when life seemed to unhinge itself once again. Then one day in the waiting room after reaching a point in therapy where things were progressing, I experienced the worst panic attack in my memory and I fled. And I spent about 8 months in a completely agoraphobic state. I'm still halfway in that state and am horrified in terms of how to seek treatment that can be covered by insurance that I can commit to from home. I can't go into grocery stores, I can't go to therapists. I can't leave my house unless it is just within this safety zone. Do you have specific advice for someone like me? (And granted, I am poor, work from home as a freelance writer, and have only Medi-Cal insurance, which wouldn't cover seeing my previous therapists via tele-therapy).

Your videos make me feel so much better about my bpd, since I started your BPD workbook, I've been kinder to myself, thank you so much... Please make a video about BPD and sexuality, it's the one topic I have trouble bringing to therapy, and everytime I find stuff about it, it's about "promiscuity", and that's the complete opposite of my problem...

Dr Fox your videos and books are really helpful. I’m interested in more segments on comorbid BPD and narcissism. I have a family member with these issues and although I have researched both topics and read many books, very little is out there about this “double whammy “ of traits and how to help, and how to cope. Thanks

That was so immensely helpful Dr. Fox.Thank you

I tried a few times, but they ALL gave up on me. Last one gave me my money back and said “there is no help for me” especially with my suicidal ideation & tendencies. Then it just makes me feel worse for taking up someone time and bothering them for me being alive. And because I can’t take medication due to my work they tend to think I am a hopeless cause... and I agree with them. Most therapist around my area don’t even know about BPD.

I'm really glad that this is a recently posted video, as I've just had a session with one of my counselors today about how I keep rejecting every thing she says that might help. Then she said that it's okay because it's part of my diagnosis. So I decided to look up something about this and I'm really glad I found this video. I haven't watched it yet, it's only 30 seconds in hahaha but I hope to gain something from this.

This february I'll do the anniversary of the start of my therapy. I'm so proud of myself. A lot of times I would interrump therapy because I've felt well and happy for some weeks, but then I discover that after a good moment I had a depressive episode. In these happy moments I believe that I'm healthy and that my therapist tokd me wring things, that BPD doesn't exist and that I haven't any trauma in my life My BPD playlist: kzfaq.info/sun/PLAf6nCaMRw6O63NwZDI7dmziwnNJeA-LZ

Thank you for these videos. Thank you.

About 25% of psychiatrists are themselves mentally ill to varying degrees and got into their profession to figure/help themselves out, and many of the rest bring their own personal baggage and wounds into the sessions. The reality is that most psychiatrists and psychologists either don't want to and/or don't know how to treat bpd, and the few who do want and know what they are doing are either too busy or cost too much.

Something I tell people is to be transparent about the fact that in some studies it looks like therapy is only 50% effective. It's normal for people to be afraid because they're putting themselves in a vulnerable hierarchical relationship, especially for people with issues with authority I think its important for them to understand the therapist can be a specialist you've hired who works for you to help you, they are not meant to be the "judger" there to manipulate or lock you up or anything. I also tell people to get a new therapist if they feel a bad gut feeling since bad therapists can retraumatize clients easily. There's a balance with sticking to uncomfortable healing settings while also respecting your instincts if something is "off" about a therapist or you just don't click. (For example being a member of a protected class - race, gender, orientation, disability - being gaslit by a practitioner who cannot empathize well with your situation). For serious disorders like BPD I think people should go with someone who is specialized to avoid the risk of retraumatization by someone poorly trained --like the example you gave of therapists burning out or taking splitting behavior personally. I suggest other holistic practices in addition to considering therapy if a loved one thinks it feels right for them. I also think we should normalize therapy for all people to remove the misunderstandings and stigma around that process. People - especially people healing from childhood trauma - need to know they are in the drivers seat of their own lives. Sometimes the very family members telling someone they need therapy are the reasons that person needed it in the first place. Family systems are important to look at too, especially with people healing from trauma who may have been the family scapegoat.

I have BPD and unfortunately continue to run into many therapists who are poor at helping. I'm hypercritical of therapists because of my post-graduate degree in Psychology in addition to my background in psychology. I wish there were more therapists who are well versed in BPD and the proper way to heal their patients with this disorder. The mental health industry in the United States is severely lacking.

I want to go to therapy, but I have a real problem with always having to be the one who has to fix something. Instead of others not being rude to me or trying to put themselves in my shoes, I have to fix all my problems and think differently in order to get people to like me. I find it inherently unfair and not okay, and after abusive relationships telling me everything is my fault, I'm tired of being responsible for this too. I didn't ask to have BPD.

My most recent therapist didn't even bother to repair a therapeutic rupture. This was in addition to her "suggesting" to me to consider a different type of therapy. Considering that she is a properly qualified and experienced practitioner, I don't think it was a proper way to terminate therapy.

Thank you, Dr. O neede to hear this today. I won't beg him to go to therapy anymore. It is what it is. And I'm exhausted. I quit.

After attempting individual therapy multiple times I've come to accept that I cannot trust someone I am not intimate with. Professional distance is important to help therapists survive the process but it's a major barrier for people with BPD. I've had much more success with group therapy and peer support for that reason. They share, I share, and trust is built through that process. Without it I can't believe what I'm being told.

I went years of being self destructive. I've almost died so many times. I didn't seek help until last year (I'm 32). I lived for so long in pure hell. And yet my brain has convinced myself that I'm okay and I was never "sick". That I was over exaggerating. And here I am off my meds and contemplating quitting therapy altogether. I just don't get why it's so hard to get help and stick to it. And you're right you cannot force anyone. I didn't quit drinking/ drugs until I really wanted too. The only reason why I went to therapy was because I almost lost a 10 year relationship and a great job. Clearly I was not okay. But part of me still believes I am. So that's why we quit treatment sometimes. We just... Give up.

I gave my therapist a panic attack. I was describing(not in a bad way) why I had pulled out my eyelashes, because my therapist had asked why I looked so different so I said I pulled out my lashes. He kinda pulled on his a little and as I was explaining that they felt itchy and when they rip out, the feeling makes the itching stop. He stopped me and told me he was going to have a panic attack. I felt so bad and I was very embarrassed. I didn't mean to upset him...and I feel like he has every right to get upset if he's that upset, but I felt very embarrassed 😞

You have a really nice calming voice. :)

I am starting treatment this week. What was helpful to get me to finally go after years and years was that it was brought to my attention that counseling is confidential. That may sound stupid, like I should have known that, but I honestly worried for years that if I go and get “labeled” that they would take my kids away or try to, even though I don’t have them in any way. I was overly paranoid.

'The personality disorder component changes everything', oh so true! I've spent so many years and a lot of money into therapies for which I was diagnosed 'depressive and anxious'. They didn't work, I felt so misunderstood. To me something was wrong, I couldn't put my finger on it, I really thought I'll go crazy, and I quitted the therapy. Indeed, I have anxious issues, and I have suicidal thoughts/gestures, but it all changed when I turned to DBT session (and when I've been diagnosed properly). I don't mean that DBT is the only way to success, but if the personality disorder is not considered, then the therapy totally misses the point. You need to work on emotional regulation and fear of abandonment issues, which is not the case for all therapies. Of course now it's not perfect and I sometimes want to leave it all, because yes it is difficult to realise some aspects of your life, of your perception. But I trust my therapist, I take time to list everything better in my life now. Please, if someone read it, do not lose hope! Try to find a specialist to help you. Some online sessions exist as well.

Hi Dr. Fox. Thank you for your videos, they are so helpful. I was wondering if you would be interested in creating a video about comorbidity with BPD for example ED's and bpd. I don't know if you'll see this. But thanks again for your videos means a lot. Take care :)

I'm not going to therapy because I simply cannot afford it. That's it. I hardly manage to pay my bills.

I love you for these ones👍🏻💋thanks. I just found it out myself.. but I continue the dbt.

Im having a strong resistence right now. Update: im going to therapy and curently taking medication

I want help and I'd like to find a moderated group that experiences similar issues to myself but I can't afford to pay a therapist to learn how to help me. KZfaq University has been the most helpful and after years of research I am satisfied with my own self diagnosis. Dr. Fox's videos have been the most helpful by far. I feel hopeful things can get better with work, self awareness and vigilance. Most clinicians are too far removed to understand my experience and that triggers distrust in me.

I was told by my therapist, it’s not working out. I’m too “fixed” as a personality and to seek someone else.

Well...privacy and patient rights are an issue. Being treated like an object is not pleasing. TRUST

I feel like i just got the answer to life, man. Thanks.

“You may have to say that 100 times.” ... 🙂 ... yep.

Cant afford a good therapist is not resistance. Bad therapy makes borderlines worse. No one covers that. Borderlines don't all come from a middle-class background. Borderlines are not all middle-class, educated and able to earn an living wage. No one covers that reality. This is a major reality that is not addressed. The system gaslights borderlines. Gaslighting is the worst thing for this disorder.

Thank you Dr. Fox.

Participating openly and honestly is my goal, but I always leave things out. I told my therapist that, but she doesn't know everything specifically yet.ive been seeing her for over two years 😬I feel like I just need to start over with a new therapist, but I'm scared and keep procrastinating.

For me, I was both in denial about how bad it was and pessimistic that anything could be done. I'd seen therapists for depression and never felt like I got anywhere many times. Ultimately I did something so bad I felt like I had no choice but to everything I could. I think knowledge is power, especially knowledge that there is effective treatment

That's really funny because one of my firsts thoughts of 2020 was stop going to therapy

I hate premiere. If I click on a video, it’s because I want to watch it when I click it. I do love this channel, but I really hope this premiere thing isn’t a regular occurrence here and/or all over KZfaq. I am excited for this video, though...which is why I clicked on it. 😉

Doc, do you play? (Guitar in the background :))

Hello Dr. I had a couple of outbursts on a couple of your previous videos and if you read them I'm sure my BPD is more than evident in my words. I won't sit and harp on an apology. I've only VERY recently accepted my diagnosis and it's not been easy for so so so many reasons. I'm not gonna harp on the why's much other than saying that while I am very introspective and in touch with my disorder I have also been surrounded by people with a plethora of mental issues my whole life from almost every family member (nearly all of whom are in therapy or on medication for such issues and many various addictions between us), a couple of truly psychopathic and narcissistic private employers who have had most of my career years, and a recent ex whom I have an almost 4 year old little girl with (who I am no longer allowed to see). As short as I can make this she grew up in a broken home and has her own set of issues as well and when I realized that quite literally everything about her was a lie that's when my BPD hit hardest. The splitting, the dissociation, the hate/love, leave/stay. I'm fully aware of the way I was but what remains hidden are the things no one else knows about her. She is an admitted narcissist and admits that she doesn't have empathy for anyone. She told me she took pleasure in hurting people when she was growing up. She hasn't really grown out of that either (I don't know if that's even the right way to phrase that). I can't even finish typing what I'm trying to say. I don't even know what I was trying to say. Something along the lines of all these people have truly pushed my limits knowingly and when I had enough they can all just blame it on my head. I'm coming close to having an episode now from thinking about it all now so I have to stop. I think I met you once in GA. I was in Georgia Regional Medical Center around 2010ish. I spoke with someone who I think I remember was named Dr. Fox. And then I find these videos years later when my world has crumbled under me. I had to bury my best friend in 2016 amidst the chaos of already being deeply dissociated and trying to raise a child and work and provide and have a good relationship with the mother of my child. Was that you possibly I met those years ago? I felt comfortable talking to you. That's not something I get around many people at all. Anyway I'm trying to learn how to get better until I can get into real therapy. I'm trying. I know my disorder. I'm trying.

i’ve been 9 months without treatment but recently have been searching for treatment because my mental health is getting worse

I had court order therapy and as much as that annoyed me it also made me not give up on myself or the therapist to say ‘why are you even here’ unfortunately I’m stubborn & after I did my 6 months my therapist decided to give up on me & decided give me to another. I asked him if I could be transferred to another therapist that after the court order I could continue with because they are under my insurance. The Therapist I was seeing said it was possible but it would be more paperwork. So he transferred me within their department. So I had such a closed off attitude and made up a whole new happy life cuz I got sick of opening up for therapist to give up on me. Plus this clinic decided to change my BPD diagnosis I got a few years prior and it was like that missing piece when I looked up BPD. To Bipolar cuz that’s what this city only knows when I brought up my diagnosis to the therapists they both looked confused. Not saying anything bad about Bipolar but when I looked it up it wasn’t like that ahha moment when you just know. And I do know that you can have both. But I just don’t see bipolar in me and everyone that goes through that clinic usually gets a bipolar diagnosis. Only thing I really got out of that was my mental health was to big of an inconvenience to do extra paperwork to get me to a right therapist that I potentially could be seeing still today. After a year of court order they finally released me and since that clinic doesn’t take my insurance I hadn’t been back and to stubborn to go see the one I preferred to see. I feel at this stage I’ll be waisting time for him.

At least for me; treatment is hard because you are emotionally exposed, I don’t show often how I feel (I’m living with quiet BPD, I think) and when I try to do it , if I feel I’m not listened, I abandon therapy or I start talking about my issues without being deep or believing treatment is working. I believe treating BPD is easier in practice than in theory, all you need is empathy and sensibility: breaking somehow the precept of doesn’t involving emotionally with the patient, relate to their struggles and make them understand that those difficult emotions are valid and that we have issues that leads to discomfort, not feeling exactly the same as the other person, but relate. Also, the misdiagnosing could lead to worsen the condition (when somebody implies that a person is his diagnosed and that always is about a neuro-chemical unbalance; that not only destroy the self-esteem, but makes you believe you’ll never be fine)

My mother is BPD... she is a chronic blamer. Yet she says wishes to have someone to talk to. But is too afraid.... so she pretends like she doesn't need it. my mother is so manipulative.... She needs to learn to self regulate not my job to save her though. Mindfulness can help. I have taken her to Reiki paces and she will bliss out... but was terrified to go at first. afraid. I live in another state... It is too exhausting to be around that level of manipulation. How do you get them to therapy? Either that or commit her for she cannot manage anything on her own. I can't be her therapist.

so i need some advice. because im floundering. just found out my best friend, who is also my favorite person (we're very close), will be working more and we'll barely see each other. which of course means the relationship with depreciate due to lack of contact. (he's on the spectrum, so calls and texting are not really his thing). and im basically on the verge of giving up so i don't have to watch our relationship die a slow painful death. and i just don't know what to do. i have no hope that it will work out. i have no faith in him that he even cares. and i basically just really want to drop dead right now. i don't even want to see him tomorrow, because i don't think i even deserve to look at him after sending him splitting texts. im spiraling into self destruction. i feel like i've lost control, lost my best friend who i love, and who loves me unconditionally. like...why even bother going on? so this can happen again and again and again? p.s. your workbook seems to be out of stock on amazon.

Thanks for existing.

I've been in therapy for 20 years and it haven't helped shat!! Newly diagnosed with bpd. Already had depression & ptsd. Life is getting worst. I'm 41, on a med and my last therapist quit on me because she couldn't help me.

What about those who deliberately ‘seek treatment’ with BPD but also with manipulative tendencies/or intent? I can see ‘malingering’ and a constant pity card in play. What if the person fits both BPD and NPD with a bit of ? Mixed in

BTW I like your talks and wish you would have been my therapist. I went to counseling for 34 years. I needed to save for retirement, very difficult. Some years he charged us more than my yearly mortgage. I refinanced 4 times over the years to buy cars and such. Our vacations were local trips. My daughter took $100,000 student loan cuz I couldn't help her. I quit against his advice. I'm working past 70 so I can live in my house. He charge $260 per session. $20,000 per year we made $ 90,000 a year. He was a very good therapist, I wanted a father figure or a friend. I finally managed to leave. Great therapist, just greedy. I guess that I had to learn to be my own father figure. (BTW he told me that I would probably have to stay in therapy my whole life. When I retired and made $66,000 per year he still charged 260 per session. He advised me not to quit.

hi Dr. Fox, not sure you'll see this, but i love a lot of your content & am hopeful you or someone in the comments will have some advice! more info under here, but the TL;DR of it is that i've been in DBT-focused therapy for years and really feel at a standstill. at this point i'm wondering if looking into a new therapeutic modality would be more helpful? (EMDR, schema-focused, etc.) or if maybe it's time to walk away and just try and unpack things on my own. i guess my #1 question is: is there such a thing as "too much" therapy? is there a point where it's better to go at it on your own? more context: i've struggled in therapy for years (let's say 18-ish years; i'm 30)--when i was much, much younger it was definitely that i did not want to go to therapy or to address certain things. but for a long time now, i have been going of my own free will and because i do genuinely want to try and improve my life and myself and my outlook. but i feel so stuck. i've been to many, many therapists at this point, and while most have been helpful in some way, it feels like we always get so stuck when it comes to getting to the root of my problems. whether it's that i get very emotional--not aggressive but clearly distressed--or that i can't seem to really articulate or pinpoint the problem, it seems like the therapist and i are in a position where they really don't understand how to help me. it feels very hopeless and defeating. a lot of what i see online about BPD resistance to treatment has to do with people getting defensive during the therapeutic process or being unwilling to admit their part in their struggles. i could be wrong, but i don't think that's me at this point. i really and truly want to work on myself and would be happy to admit anything i am not taking ownership of if it meant understanding how to and being able to build my life worth living. i appreciate you bringing up the piece of getting lost in the process, because i feel like part of the issue is not having enough structure or guidance. it feels like even when i try to look with someone with a more specific framework, we end up doing talk therapy that isn't super helpful. currently my therapist (DBT-focused) is very validating and great at mirroring emotion, which has actually done wonders in my ability to recognize my own emotions and be able to understand when i am working from a place of wise mind. but i feel like we get stuck when i comes to trying to explore core content--she has me focus more on feeling my emotions physically (which i'm sure is important in its own way) than really breaking down the thoughts behind it. or it's like we get stuck in discussing the circumstances of a situation and don't go beyond that. it's hard because i feel like i must be an incredibly difficult and confusing case; and i empathize with that. in our last session we spoke about how difficult it feels for me to find a fulfilling professional life, and i left feeling super overwhelmed and frustrated because ultimately it felt like all that happened is i was offered solutions for job/school hunting that are sort of everyone's advice when i express my distress on this subject. i felt like there were a lot of pieces we could have explored about the *why* of why job hunting becomes an emotional spiral for me, or why the idea of being back in a classroom distresses me, or why i can't never seem to identify what will bring me joy. but it's like they didn't want to go into it. at the same time, i understanding because i've expressed the feeling that we might be "talking in circles". so maybe they were trying to take a more action-oriented approach. overall, i just feel petrified that i am sabotaging the process by trying to control it or something. but at the same time, it feels like we are just meandering; and every appointment i can feel the minutes slipping away from me. we recently started trauma processing, which does feel important; but again it feels very focused on being able to connect with my physical experience and tolerate discomfort rather than exploring the why. maybe the why doesn't matter--but i also feel like *my* why not mattering to anyone is this core wound i carry around; and therapy just feels like it's constantly reinforcing it. i'm not really sure what to do anymore. i'm seriously considering just talking to a literal mirror or recording or something so i can just get it all out without getting sidetracked or timed out; and maybe just by verbalizing and exploring it fully i will be able to glean at least some clarity. sometimes when i read my own thoughts back to myself it does help me sort of gain the perspective that i don't always get when i'm trying to explain something to someone else. my only worry with that would be that i'm not in the most stable place when it come to self-directed thoughts/behaviors; so traditional wisdom would say now is not a good time to leave therapy. but i also sort of think that therapy doesn't have much of an impact on that overall, in my case. i've had enough therapy under my belt by now that i either will or won't engage in maladaptive behaviors--if i don't want to, i know how not to. i know that was a lot, any thoughts or advice from anyone is greatly appreciated [: even just if you read it all, thanks for witnessing.

I was diagnosed with BPD last year and saw a therapist to do DBT. It was going just ok but then my therapist moved and I didn't (and still don't) have the energy to find someone else and start over. I'm tired of also trying prescription after prescription with awful side effects. I've given up =/

My husband is trying (although thankfully not pressuring) me to go to therapy. We do know someone who treats bpd, too. I feel like I'm *too* messed up and have a mental block about it, though. Not sure why.

Slightly related: im in texas, need psychologist, wont go back to hospital, cant drive far enough to reach most people. what do? Currently finding more joy finding research, than trying to find therapy.

I been diagnosed with bpd , therapy and medicine is like being picked up and being put in hampster cage that I dont belong and run the wheel that leads to nowhere, as much I as I want to change and try my best deep down I know I can't be fixed just too fragmented and disacrated in so many places. It's not therapy fault or the medicine that I use to take . It's just me that the problem. I done years of it and I still end up having mega acute relapses since my teenage years .

Can you do a video of the partner of bpd. Such as the family rejecting. I have done so much research and gave the info to her mother but her mom seems absolutely oblivious of the patterns. I have reached out to 18 professional trying to figure what’s wrong because if it’s me fix me but they all say they can’t diagnose her but they definitely see the patterns. I have been 100 percent honest about everything to these people and her mom says it could be one side that they believe she is bipolar and depressed. This girl has already taken 6 different medications and not one has help. No I am on the outside and has been threatened an OP if I contact her anymore when all I have done is try to show her every ounce of love I could but didn’t understand why we went from high to low in a light switch. Thank you for all the video Dr. Fox I have learned so much I just wish she would seek therapy instead the doctors just wanna give her meds.

As someone whose been in therapy for over ten years, I’m really losing faith in finding a good therapist while being on Medicaid/government insurance. I’ve seen several therapists and none of which has had a plan or road map or sense of direction. I feel like the sessions were just to let me rant and then had hardly any feedback. Instead, there’s just the same question every week “how do you feel this session went? Do you think we are a good match and you feel comfortable sharing with me?” Idk maybe it’s just been my experiences but I actually want to break the cycle and be a healthy mom/partner/daughter/human and I just need guidance.

Dr. Fox, can you say anything about feeling invalidated ?? I only get one-on-one therapy every 5-6 weeks, during which time my therapist seems kind of pressured to "reveal my cognitive distortions," until I feel totally invalidated. I need help; I can't look for a therapist for a little while, and I dont' want to just blow-up therapy in some "typical BPD" reaction. But I also can't count on an authority figure to whom I feel no real connection and allow him to define my experience based on his authority...Its setting off all kinds of old hurts. I'm trying hard to stay open because I need to get better. thanks

Thank you!

I haven’t went back since my therapist died in January. I just don’t want to go back, I know I have a lot of things wrong. I just think it’s better if I write my feelings down verses seeing a therapist. It’s just to much I don’t want to have to deal with explaining myself over again.

Question. I have both BPD and cPTSD. Experts aren't sure which. I heard a lot of people are resistant to traditional CBT and DBT who have experienced traumatic childhoods and childhood emotional neglect. If they say that BPD is either caused by childhood trauma or genetics and DBT has a 70% success rate, why am I seeing a LOT of people resistant to DBT who have experienced trauma in their childhoods? My last therapist wanted to teach me coping skills, but I knew every problem in my life was due to the unprocessed feelings about (little t) traumas that happened in my childhood. I'm undergoing EMDR and it feels so much better. Seems odd that a patient with BPD can be treated with EMDR, no?

Nice guitar Doc .

I really want to heal my BPD but I always find myself triggered and invalidated by therapists and I’ve given up.

I have a hard time with the idea of having to pay someone to be a safe relationship and not abandon me. It seems quite artificial and honestly, it is a set up because what happens if I lose my job or cannot afford to pay for my session? Obviously, abandonment. I really don't believe a person who says they care about me or think I am valuable or whatever who I am paying. Would they say that if I were not paying the bills? This is my barrier as well as having to deal with the issues from my childhood that I have dealt with as though I have not. I had a long, hard road to get where I am. Then, it feels like starting over.

Some people said that dialectical behavioral therapy offers hope. That helped. Most, even other therapists say that BPD isn’t a a valid construct anymore.m

I believe my gf has bpd and im hoping for suggestions on how to broach the conversation. Our relationship is moving pretty fast (that BPD energy lol) and im not afraid of partnering with her in this journey just want to do it the right way. Im learning ways to better protect myself and also to communicate with her and its been a big help. This also isnt some hero complex mission even though the thlught of helping her help herself is exciting. Thanks in advance for any input!

Cope aheads have saved my life including getting to therapy

I'm really mentally unstable and i have undiagnosed bpd and I don't know how to talk to a therapist... and my new therapist I met her once and she stairred at me basically the whole 30 mins and we barley talked at all. I want to get help but I don't know how to talk to a therapist or anyone new at all. I need help. How do I communicate???

I think the biggest issue with BPD and treatment is that the standard approach of most therapists and psychiatrists, loved ones, even the BPD afflicted themselves is to try to make the problem(s) go away... This approach however, at least in my opinion, is very ineffective and prone to compound trauma and identifying oneself as being synonymous with their trauma. Also, it doesn't help that (as with most disorders) the time in which treatment is most likely to be considered or suggested tends to be associated with a time of extreme imbalance. All of these can easily contribute to therapy being viewed as a hostile environment (and it doesn't help that some people insist on using therapy as a threat or a way of trying to excuse their own abusive behavior toward someone with BPD... nor does it help that in many cases antipsychotics are prescribed, many of which can result in permanent debilitating effects for which there will never be any compensation nor accountability given). When you really get into it, I think the main reason for treatment resistance from BPD sufferers is that there are simply too many reasons to not get treatment (and often too few to get treatment until things get really bad, often provoking the same treatment backing the paranoia that therapy will hurt more than it helps). The solution?... Simply put, I think we need more availability of personality specialists in order to establish the existence of and develop less abusive means of diagnosing and treating personality disorders. (Especially with so much attention being focused on autism, bipolar, and other disorders that like to tell the same story on the surface with the core issues never even discussed.) And we do need personality specialists, not just BPD specialists and such (because in many ways an untrained person may describe a positively adapting BPD person as narcissistic, when in reality they may simply be dieting their disorder).

Dear, Dr. Fox, I'm one of the BPD patients who was diagnosed about a year ago and I just wanted to let you know that by now, it's not that I don't believe in therapy or in the progress of such a trajectory for some patients, it's just that I certainly, don't believe that I am the one to benefit from it at all and that matters around me will continuously exacerbate even more. That whirlpool of a nightmare I live with every day - my complete disbelief or conviction in Never getting better. No, Sir - I don't know what to do anymore... As a clear example, as if this BPD plague disorder, at this point, has become my Puppet Master ruling over and COMMANDING my every move. 🥺🥺🥺😰😢😓

Dr. Fox what are your thoughts on Nuerobiofeedback?

Treatment for us is terrible and when many of us get help the Doctors straight up tell us there is no real help for us, just coping with it. Every therapist gets lost and overwhelmed. Ever wonder how we feel every day?

My BPD husband just divorced me, and then "emerged" as a new human, with a new Name, via multiple personality disorder 🤦🏼‍♀️ he thinks we can reconnect this way 😭 because he's now someone else? BS! 😠 God it's almost 30 yrs of this torture and crazy. Why can't he just move on? He thinks he forever owns me & I'm obligated to whatever he needs. He doesn't, refuses, won't, understand were a separate identity with choice and freedom, it's scary! 😭 He's had multiple treatment failures because he can not take any responsibility for his actions or condition. The world was made to cater to him. This guy has went to the outer limits in every direction of dysfunction. Some people with BPD are down right manipulative, and evil, this side of it needs to be addressed. it's completely ruined mine and my childrens life, by his keeping everything in a state of turmoil, control and obsession. Even... especially, after the Divorce I'm not free. He's claimed life long ownership of my life. Can anyone else relate? 😞

Wow .. amazing explanation as a bpd patient .depressive paranoia.. perfect

I've tried and quit therapy three times now in the span of four years. It's not that I don't want to go to therapy and get better, it's that I feel overwhelmed when I do. Even if I want to share and break into my core content, it feels like I'm not able to, and it's incredibly frustrating.

Can you please do one regarding tiredness within BPD please?

Well, I was given Lamactil. It stops the 1,000 thoughts per second but I'm still depressed, still have some crying spells and anger outbursts. I still hate people and they get on my nerves. Basically, the only thing it does is stop the multiple thoughts. Sigh.... Idk what to do. Everytime I try to explain some of my symptoms, I get shut down. It feels like I'm being told I'm not experiencing those things and they think its nonsense. Nobody ever hears me. They listen sometimes but they just don't hear me.