OhMyNykkers!!! I am sorry to hear about your own mental collapse. "I thought I had most of everything figured out, but I realized how much I still have yet to heal from." oof, this hit so close to home. There are few things as crushing as putting your hope into one thing, being the problem/solution, only to discover a whole new area to overcome. Happy to hear from you again!

Yeah, I feel bad for the concern I caused with the way I disappeared, and ironically during my time away, I've been the least suicidal I have ever been in a long while. I am looking forward to the doors that open with discussing these topics! And thank you for the compliment about the hair Tweenandcute, I'm glad it suits me!

Alexandra! Thank you so much for the kind words and for stopping by the stream! It means a lot

Good to see you again copamatique!! I am sorry you had the worst year, anything in particular? What new antidepressant were you put on?

Erin! Nice to see your name pop up again. Luckily being diagnosed has been incredibly positive so far, and helped curb a lot of the negative parts of the disorder. Excited to launch certain plans!

yDONNAy!!! One of the OG's, it's been so long. How have you been? What has life had in store for you these last 14 months I was gone? Edit: I like that: "Do it afraid," there is this writing quote that I love that goes: “The thing you are most afraid to write Write that.” So thank you for that powerful reminder!

monaconico you are far too kind! I appreciate the comment and am glad my immense efforts to be authentic are seen!

Well damn, Amber, this is such a sweet comment and hard to respond to. Mainly because of the idea of "were worthy," such an idea is hard to accept. Or that if my ventures were to fail, I would still have value. My own self-worth, in general, is complex and often difficult subject for me to navigate. As much as parts of me want to reject the idea, I appreciate and value such kind works.

@@East-Bound I’m glad this could resonate with you in some way. And also, if I may offer a small piece of (probably unsolicited) advice, I would say this- even if right now, or possibly ever, you cannot truly accept that you are worthy, then that’s okay. Stay curious, though, about your instinctual inclination to want to reject such an idea. Ponder like you would any other subject which fascinated you, and maybe ask yourself, “Why do I think I feel this way? What purpose does it serve to reject an idea of this caliber? Might my rejection perhaps be protecting me from a perceived danger or harm, and if so, what might that perceived danger or harm be?”. It is incredibly painful and arduous and seemingly endless to navigate at times, but I have come to develop an intense fascination for disentangling what stories I tell myself about myself, and why. It can be excruciating and beautiful and horrifying all at once, to examine these narratives with such a jarring thoroughness, but I believe it is critical to do so if we ever hope to genuinely connect with the core of our being. Even if your relationship to yourself were to never change, I say leave no stone unturned when it comes to exploring the essence of exactly who and what you are. When you allow curiosity and self-compassion to become your compass, you can never truly be lost. As they say, “Wherever you go, there you are”. Ultimately, in the context described above, I think this perhaps one of our most precious gifts as humans… that we can never really lose ourself, so long as we are still alive. No matter how many times we’ve loathed ourself, turned against ourself, allowed the world or other people to get in between us and our own tender relationship to the self… there is always the chance to come back, to make amends with oneself, to return home (or perhaps to arrive home at last, for the very first time). I hope this isn’t too rambling. I am just quite personally invested in this subject matter, and ultimately, I wish for you too to have the chance to return home, eventually, if you want to.

@@Amber24426 Oh, I absolutely agree with the ideas you have put forth. Especially the relentless questioning of yourself and your beliefs. I have a personal philosophy called "The Vivisected Life," where I metaphorically cut into myself, looking for hard truths. I am actually working on a video about why trying to believe in yourself is so agonizing. I reject my own worth because I have spent my whole life trying to accept that I was unlikeable or unworthy as a means to numb, but now I'm afraid that the second I start to believe life will come to so brutally put me in my place. What are your personal thoughts on this topic of why trying to believe in yourself is agonizing?

So well articulated Amber😊!❤ I think the same way and the idea of COMPLETE acceptance of yourself and circumstances. Then u can understand the truth that ultimately any clear self reflection will just end up helping you identify things that need to be questioned in the first place in order 2 be worked on😊❤

I’m doing much better, excited to be back!

Julie! One of my original subs! Good to see your name pop up in the comments again!

Kinds words C R, trying my best ❤️

Eleisa! No such thing as being late! It's so good to be back!

Reaper! Thank you for such a vulnerable and thoughtful comment. You bring up questions/ideas that have plagued me for years. That looming question of whether we are bad or good. I agree that we are a mix of light and dark. The nature of my traumatic experiences revealed the true depths of my own darkness, and it took a long time to come to terms with what I was capable of. I have some really interesting deep dives into these topics I want to do in the future. These philosophical questions are so fascinating to me. What are some other life questions that have captured your attention in the past?

RPGlove!! An OG sub, how's life? You're expecting a daughter?! Congratulations! Although I am sad to hear that you had to cut out your MIL (proud of you for setting boundaries), I still want to celebrate that great news! The person I cut out hurt because I knew part of the reason things were toxic was my own fault, but I couldn't seem to make things better and felt the need to cut things off. A year + later and I am happy I did, despite missing them.

@@East-Bound Life is good thanks, glad to see you be so active again. Cutting out a person doesn't mean it was all bad, you might have such great times together, but in the end, not all in your life is meant to stay forever. Some is just part of the journey and help with growth. It seems you are at a great place for self growth. :)

Likewise Job! I appreciate the support and comment!

meepmoopmeep1, it's great to be back. The support and encouragement I receive from my audience means more than you could know. I would have not come back without it!

Awh, thank you for the compliment on the set-up, I'm moderately trying to do the whole "KZfaqr thing"

I am both happy and sometimes sad that people can relate. I often talk about heavy topics that were really hard to live with. I hope you are doing well, Danielle!

Rosanna!!! So good to see you in the comments again, how's life been?

Life has been lifing 😊. Things are good in my life, with even better stuff on the horizon. I have genuinely felt your absence on this platform, glad to have you back.❤

I’m happy to be back, I appreciate and value your support Jamie!

Changeophil!!! It's been so long, how are things?

@@East-Bound Right?? Getting more resilient and confident with every challenge life throws at me.💫 And finally starting to embrace that overcoming those challenges is a core part of life rather than an unfortunate inconvenience😁. Feeling present and grateful 🙏🏻✨

Layla the OG, OG. Thank you so much for your support and for being a friend.

Despite the challenges ahead, I am the most stable and prepared I have ever been. Which is hopefully enough to carry me forward. I hope things are well with you too StarPanda!

I want to express my condolences that you too have experienced some form of SA. Although I know no one is entitle to details or to know in general, I do hope that by opening up about those experiences and why they lead to things like self-hate or self-destruction I can help others have a better understanding of themselves. I sincerely appreciate such a lovely comment Axeslinger94!

Such a kind compliment Cee Bee! I often feel like my voice is overdramatic but I can't help my reading voice haha

Joel Ripke himself! Thank you for the support ❤️

Thank you Sara, strange to be back after all this time but looking forward to the future

The Les Brown clip gets me every time and makes me feel so convicted. I really appreciate the kind and vulnerable comment Axeslinger!

Any words of reassurance from the other side of the diagnosis? Also, completely agree, so obvious in retrospect haha like blindly so

I would not say I've changed, though perhaps others would, but I feel far more empowered to be the bits of me I truly like and like being around. I identified what was causing the most grief and stress in my life, and cut it. I now have a new job and career where I get to help hundreds of people a day. I won't say the new career is all roses, but my oath I'm a lot less stressed about my life now than I have ever been before and am super looking forward to the rest of it instead of dreading waking up each day. I won't say there is joy on the other side for you, because I cannot know your journey. I will say that by taking an approach of managing one's own mental health is a job in itself and from that it's entirely possible to achieve, and I would like you to hang on to that possibility. I hope you understand what I mean.

@@relwalretep I completely understand what you mean! Many of my life experiences have aligned with what you said about "managing one's own mental health is a job itself," the more time and effort I've put into that, the better my life has become. Btw congrats on finding a job that makes you happier to the point where you no longer dread waking up!

MASon!!! It's been a while. Thank you so much for dropping in the live stream. It means a lot!

@@East-Bound Your welcome!! also thanks for reading off some of my questions. I will for sure reach out on instagram, to let you know what I've been experiencing this past year with my struggles & encourage everyone else to do the same. Thanks!!

I completely get missing mania, now that I am medicated I don’t have manic (or depressive episodes). I definitely miss being manic, especially when I would trigger episodes with the abuse of nicotine (which I quit out right). I also agree with your thoughts on having perseverance being key! I would really like to create a platform for men who are abuse victims or struggle with eating disorders to feel more comfortable opening up about those kinds of hardships.

Maru! Long time no see haha 😅 I adore seeing familiar names pop up in comments!

❤️

SA does quite the number on the way you view yourself, Idk about brave I did abandon everything for over a year because I was so afraid, but I appreciate the compliment. And I agree I found talking about it didn’t really help my C-PTSD either, only a lot of painful introspection has helped me largely get on the other side

Haha luckily not balding quite yet

Yes, of course, I recognize the photo! Thank you for pointing out the name change Bella!

@@East-Bound Awh yay, my heart. No problem. I still have you on twitter and my name on there has also changed to this. If you ever need an outside voice to talk to I’m always willing to listen. I’ve gone through a tremendous amount of trauma, and healing, so I understand so much of what you say. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

@@bellafaery Haha, I still have no idea how to use Twitter to this day. I would love to reach out Bella, it is really helpful to bounce ideas off other people that have serious trauma, but are in a place where discussing it isn't triggering!

@@East-Bound oh I understand! There’s a messenger on there where we could chat or we could use this for now? Whatever makes you feel okay! And yes, i know it can feel very lonely when there are so many things that have happened to you and others can’t quite comprehend all of the layers of healing and trauma that’s taken place. 🙏🏻

@@bellafaery Yeah, Twitter Dm's work for me!

I appreciate all the supportive messages along the way Erika!