I'M NOT YELLING!!!!! Haha, Sorry, had to. Narcissism is due to brain damage. They have NO normal view of life at all.

That's gaslighting, Sis.

Yell back "I am not yelling either!!!" and then start working on an exit plan and LEAVE

Me too and I'm prepared to walk if he doesn't get help

@@beautifulspirit2973I would just leave, don’t wait for someone to get the proper help. I waited for my GF to go to counseling/therapy like she said and she ended up never going until I needed to have a final conversation with her about our communication. Sometimes you gotta just accept people are who they are

I had a similar experience. It wasn't a smirk but it was a change in face that wasn't a normal expression kind of change. It also changed reality for me in a way that I have been trying to understand for a long time now.

Yup, mine would do this. Stupid smirk.

And now he is your ex?

@@aloishe for a thousand reasons, I cannot leave at the moment..

​@@Girlbrush.Threepwoodthat "at the moment" quickly becomes 10 and then 20 years. It gets more complicated with the time. It becomes a prison and you become shell of a person, while he advances in all fields. It is like taking haroin and saying I cannot quit now, but I will when things become easier for me to quit. And it becomes worse and harder. So, good luck with that.

Ooof. Great share. That has to be one of the hardest hitting, and sobering things I’ve heard regarding emotional abuse. It can be so easy to downplay and make excuses for a partners hurtful behaviors, especially when they show how loving and faithful they can be. Talk about living in a fog.

⁠@@mattimus1979yep, like the highs are why you stay, because they can be so amazing, then they change in a split second and treat you terribly.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 YES!!!!, exactly!!!!

​@@fluutur4430 yes!!, happy TO BE FREE!!! 🎉🎉🎉

And they probably have been abused and have not forgiven.

They really can’t help it it’s who they are and I realized that

You don’t deserve it. But it takes time. He is on the right track and the fact he was mortified means he is seeing it which is so important. The therapy can help some. I think giving it time WHILE getting your own therapy and support group to help watch over you. If you don’t have them. I speak from experience too. It’s so hard. I feel the detonation thing! I jump at everything. I don’t hear my alarm but if he whispers my name I immediately wake. He is getting better. I hope the best for you. You should have peace. And I know I’m just a rando. The unsolicited advice comes in love and care. ❤

No it will not! 30 years and it became worse.

It can take YEARS for change

​@@kaylagauby2552 but still, they dont deserve to be in the detonation zone while someone else is taking their time to change.

Good for you! Being your own self advocate. Very mature. Stay strong on this decision. And you're suuuuuper young! Use this time to truly heal and get to know yourself... what you like/ don't like... and weed out anyone who doesn't fit this (the healthy desires)

Keep going don’t look back

Do yourself and the next guy a favor. Take the time to get to know who YOU are.I met my wife at 17 and i was 18,it's been 30 years later and we are now addressing the red flags we didn't as horny young kids that hadn't even considered the world at large. So much i wished I had done,for myself FIRST. BE YOUNG AND ENJOY THE HELL OUT OF IT,make mistakes learn from them,don't be in a rush to have a BF or to be what everyone else is in a relationship. Have a relationship with yourself first.

“Not defined by the intent of the person” fuck that! Y’all need to open your minds to other situations! WTH?!

You’re right. They can be dragged down into the mud with them. Don’t blame yourself. You’re just trying to defend yourself and fight back.

This is the person I'm screaming and begging to not be. I'm more hurt and disgusted that these people want you to get to that point they have something to also use against you. They force you into being also a bad person giving you very little other options to escape and leave as still a good person. For me living with my parents have entrapped and put me in a position where there's really no other options for me to escape this stupid hurtful forced hatred and abuse. People think it's so easy to pick up and leave when your on disability with no identity when they have turned everyone against you and people are out there waiting to throw me into sex trafficking or waiting to harm you stalking you and doing everything they can do to follow you and sabotage every other relationship you manage to get and then follow and torture anyone that comes near you or tries to help you. You can not get away from it. Like there's no place any safer or better then the abusive fucked up place your stuck in already. My parents have gotten to the point where I'm not allowed in the house to use the bathroom or take showers or get food. I'm currently living in their RV at the end of their yard I have no running water I have no bathroom I've become exhausted. I was told help was coming,I was told my whole life i had money coming for the work I did do for the last three decades but they never paid me and are withholding said money and mother is claiming now she's keeping all this money i should have to keep me stuck and abused in this rv instead of giving it to me... This is a really sick fucked up disgusting relationship... And now they have me under the judgemental watchful eye of people who are judging me and digging dirt on me to at some point turn around and also try to sue the shit out of me.I was already told they have Lawyers they got behind my back and are ganging up on me to make this Even worse. I've fought through the entire country searching for someone who can give me advice or help or a hand up to escape this fucked up situation just to be offered all kinds of accusations that I Guess for them validate why they refuse to help me, things like oh your just lazy or You're just paranoid that you don't want to leave your just using your parents so you can continue getting high, or whatever the case may be. :( I wouldn't be getting high if I had a support system to trust to believe me and fairly think about and CARE about my real issues worries and facts that make it impossible for me to up and leave the way they would expect someone to be able to do. Someone has already tried several times to physically kill me.. I've tried talking to my mother but she won't listen, she blames and accuses me but I lack the support group and the funds to even be able to leave this situation. It's very very toxic and very painful.

I understand... I went through a similar situation. And your going to have to really not step back from yourself and situation.. look at the whole situations and sit with it calmly going over everything..find the patterns, or repeating behaviors that you can predict... on a spiritual level it usually is about getting your attention.... so you can gain the experience from the situation by recognizing the patterns and or recognizing all that you learnd from it somehow. And change your reaction ... doing that will send ripple effects throughout the either, and that vibration or frequency you changed will manifest a different experience...if not then your not done learning or your missing somthing. ❤ you can give it a go ... it works for me I hope it helps all that it possibly can..love to all ❤

Can you contact adult social services, it sounds like you need to be rehoused etc as the situation you are in sounds like severe financial abuse, ostracisation etc.

Women of impact had a video of how not get gaslighted or manipulated 2 hrs longish but on point on stuff related to this

My boyfriend has said that to me about gardening. I was looking forward to telling him that once football season started… but, I ended up bringing it up to him recently and he denies he said that. Then I found out that he forgot a bunch of stuff he says.

He can only take it away if you let him.

I hope you are leaving him?

Wow, yes. I am currently out of the relationship but am struggling with not going back because I realize that I was emotionally abusive, too. But what's keeping me strong is knowing that it wasn't my default way of engaging with him but more of a defense mechanism.

That seems to be a trap thst the abused fall into. Because at some point, you get tired of trying to be calm, trying to fight fair, so you get dragged down to their level of yelling, insulting, ignoring. BUT, that’s just a way of defending yourself from the onslaught of emotional abuse. Don’t fall into the trap of blaming yourself if you know thst you only became that way because nothing else was working.

@@lyrene6029look up how to cut off narcissism or toxic person it don’t engage don’t defend for sure and something else that like top 4

A double horrible of emotional abuse w/ your kids hearing !. Im sorry!!

He will destroy your children first life,they will learn to be abusive with their partners in the future ,just like him.

Sounds like you need to get out.

Leave him

Your children are being imprinted by his toxic behaviors which could lead to them becoming toxic themselves….leave!

Start making moves/preparing. Get legal advice asap.

@debtalan6255 I literally just heard that part while watching and went to comments to see if anyone else was like,”wait that’s not okay …what!?” That behavior does not seem okay at all. I also don’t think it’s okay to swear to your partner ever. As she said that’s so disrespectful and does nothing to help the relationship

Thank you!! I get needing a moment, but the silent treatment for two whole days? That's at least emotional immaturity, if not abusive.

Correct!!!!😬😲

​@kristinaml143 went to the comments to see if someone called it out too!!

Thank you for calling that out. Ignoring someone for days IS abuse, my ex would literally ignore me for days and weeks at a time. A few times he ignored me for one day shy of a month. That is giving the silent treatment and that is abuse. We dated for almost 2.5 years but out of that 2.5 years we were actually “together” Maaaybe a total of a year and 7 months because he would break up with me and block me literally every single month several times a month during our entire relationshit.

this is what i used to do with my partner and she would label it as stonewalling later on... same situation on her end where she would say i need to love her in all ways otherwise i only conditionally loved her. years later i have lost the control of walking away from an abusive situation and i lash out verbally. occasionally i will respond appropriately like i'm not ok with the criticisms, they feel unwarranted and personal. more often though i am not able to hold space for the micromanaging and belittling that occurs in most interactions with her. the sad thing here is that neither me or her want to end the relationship and keep falling into this abusive pattern. i've lost so much time in my relationship with my partner of 10 years. so tired of it all and hopeless for anything different.

You absolutely deserve better!

You absolutely do…..all the best

The data shows that there is only a 5% success rate for an abuser to change. It doesn't matter what type of abuse it is.

Im so sorry you are being forced to endure this pain ❤ Please reach out for help. You don't have to do this alone. Look for your angels...they are there. Blessings.

You know in your heart it won’t. You need to work on your own codependency and wellbeing. Also, it’s helpful to record their ranting and raving on your phone in your pocket or even out in the open if they don’t observe it, it saved my sanity to be able to listen to recordings and know that I *wasn’t* imagining anything. The gaslighting is deliberate and incredibly harmful.

IMO never try to fix an abusive relationship. Live is too short for that. Leave and be happy. Let them figure it out in their own time. Not on your time.

He could have narcissistic personality disorder. Research Dr. Ramini on KZfaq she is a great resource.

It depends. Some people can use your struggles against you. Weaponoze your pmdd, and blame everything on it. I think pmdd can bring out what’s going on, but on steroids. My thinking is distorted, but there is some truth. I seek out close family or a friend to check in with whom I trust their judgment since I’m struggling at that time. Journaling before and after my period is really helpful. Also, pmdd doesn’t affect us the entire month.

For me I think if a person is being abused emotionally they eventually start abusing back. I got stonewalled so bad for so long I'd start stonewalling. And he'd be so troubled by my communicating my needs and finally I stopped trying but I started exhibiting controlling behavior as a desperate attempt to get the love back he used to so easily give me. So I think most parties so abuse one another because after so long you start living the pattern.

@@mermaidlalala I do think this does happen but again over time. My recent ex was very emotionally abuse throughout our relationship and would constantly give me put downs especially in front of other people to shame me. There was this huge part of me that wanted to do this back to her as sort of revenge or “let’s see how she likes it” but I had to constantly remind myself that this wasn’t right. I recognized how she was acting wasnt right and that me acting in the same way wouldn’t have been right either. It’s easy to fall into this habit tho and it was hard to avoid it but in the end I am happy I did and was able to end the relationship. I feel much better about my character and now that im free from her and her constant fucking remarks and put downs. I do need to work on my remaining resentment though 😂

@@mermaidlalala yes! I believe it’s called reactive abuse.

Right. I do this to collect myself and I dont feel that it’s fair to call that abuse if you’re doing it to protect yourself from an already hostile situation

I, you are not emotionally abusive. You’re furious and scared and trying to regroup. I’m not a therapist - but please get the heck out of this relationship. You deserve better. Almost anything would be better. Please.

No, YOU ARE protecting yourself!!! & i suggest to Share the experience with your friends, family.

Usually the people who question themselves are NOT the abuser in the relationship... Bcuz abusers don’t care enough about anyone to question their actions towards another. They simply don’t care... Quitting in the middle of the game.? Yelling at his wife in front of people. Leaven the kids with one coach. No apology for you disrespecting you in public. Not to mention embarrassing his kid in the game. Abusers abuse to get their own way. That’s all they care about. The song they sing constantly is~ ME ME ME ME ME...🎶 It gets worse with time not better. Take good care of You...🌻

It's not the silent treatment if you're doing it to avoid an argument. If you answer him and act normally that's not the silent treatment. The silent treatment is an act of punishment not self protection. Usually it's done to show the other person that you're upset by them and they won't be allowed to enjoy your company as a result. What you're doing doesn't sound like that.b

He sounds like he may have Narcissistic personality disorder. They do not change, research this disorder. Dr. Ramini on KZfaq is a great source of information.

They're saying that if the victim uses their phone around the kids, an abuser is likely to say, "you're always on your phone. You're such a bad mum." The abuse is using small mistakes to make you feel bad about yourself and to convince you you're a bad person. They do this even when there is no evidence. My wife would do it. Even when I was doing literally every bit of housework she would call me lazy if she ever saw me taking a break. Sometimes she'd sigh and look at me as if I was a child doing something stupid and wrong for the hundredth time. Again, I was doing ALL the housework. But it still wasn't good enough for her. That's emotional abuse.

@deedlebug6548 What you have described sounds just like a relationship I escaped about 9 months ago. I kept on excusing his behavior for a variety of reasons. I excused him because he has a diagnoses of autism, I excused him because he had prior bad relationships, I excused him because of his overcontrolling mother, I excused him because he told me his online job was stressful, I excused him because he said the fact that I'm financially poor and can't afford to hire workmen to finish building projects quickly like he can makes me irresponsible and that stresses him, I excused him because he told me that he can't handle stress when he is constipated,drinking coffee, and or forgot to take his vitamin supplements as these things lower his emotional resistance. The list of excuses goes on and on. He would become enraged if I talked to my mom or my friends without his permission. He was mad if I said thank you to a male cashier or if a male came up to us in a restaurant and asked where the bathrooms could be found. If these things happened I was accused of flirting or cheating. I had to answer the phone immediately whenever he called and he would go into a rage if I wasn't in my bedroom when he would call. I wasn't allowed to do any fun activities by myself as he considered that cheating on him. So I couldn't leave the house without his permission. He was mad that I'm working to get my degree through online education as it takes too much time away from him. He was mad that I refused to sell my house that I own and love because it's not in a posh neighborhood like his and it requires that I maintain it with basic maintenance. I kept on staying because there were occasional good times and I figured if I just worked harder on the relationship I could make him act nice all the time. I stayed because I figured his intentions were good even if he was hurting me and so I figured all of his bad behavior towards me was just a big mistake on his part. I figured if he got therapy we could just work it out. I thought that if he wasn't calling me names or getting physically violent with me then it wasn't abuse when he would scream with his face close to mine and wave his fists dangerously close to me through the air. I thought his breaking stuff with his fists when enraged was okay because that's not the same as hitting me. I tried harder to make things work and did all of his chores and mine to make life less stressful for him. The more chores I did for him the more he found to go into rages about. In the end he took out his heavy orthodic shoe and hit me on my bare leg. The top of my leg was black from the bruise for two months. By the time he hit me I had a hard time recognizing that it was abuse because I was so used to excusing him due to my belief that his behavior is all an accident and his intentions are all good. I left him more because I felt unsafe rather than because I recognized him hitting me was abuse. This is brainwashing at it's finest! If you are with a man who treats you this way I beg you to recognize it is abuse and you must think of yourself because it will only get worse and you will get more confused and helpless as time goes on. The most important thing to remember is if you leave you must convince them to be the final one to break off the relationship or they will see you as their runaway slave they have to catch. I strongly recommend that victims pretend they have obcessive compulsive disorder due to the onset of anxiety and talk in incessant mindless circles that go nowhere for hours on end about subjects that drive the abuser crazy. Try of course to do this by phone from a safe place away from the abuser. I did this and convinced him we were no longer compatible and it worked. I got a breakup text from him and haven't heard a peep from him since then. If they don't like you picking your nose then start doing it all the time. Long unending text messages and voicemail messages are a blessing in these situations that can really fool your abuser into thinking you're unhinged and not worth their time and effort. Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.

Get out of that relationshit, seriously he will not change when he gets out of prison. He will control you even more once he’s home. He sounds like a Narcissistic personality disordered person. He will ruin your life. Look at how he is behaving now and he’s in prison, he clearly is not doing anything to better himself. Get out, he will not change, he will only get worse. He will destroy you. Look at his behavior, his patterns, how he treats you, how YOU FEEL. Don’t ignore the red flags. Look up Dr. Ramini on KZfaq she is a great resource for personality disordered insight. 🙏🏽

just go no contact babe and change your number and move away. he's literally in prison.

Noo. The trust isnt there between you and her. She crossed your boundary of comfort. She sounds like a free spirit. But it sounds like u also would like her close, and not crossing lines emotionally or physically. I would talk to her if i was you. And let her know. No you're not emotionally abusive. You clearly want different things.

If he doesn’t come in to say hi to anyone, since you’re saying he honks the horn and your family goes out to see him, why are you offended by it? Have you gone out to talk to him like they do when he does this? And if you have, does he ignore you or treat you coldly?

It could be considered a form of emotional cheating. Emotional cheating typically refers to developing strong/deeper emotional connections with someone outside of a committed relationship, while not engaging in any physical intimacy. Infidelity is also personal, what one think is infidelity another person dont. If you feel you can have a healthy, platonic relationship with your ex. + Morgan is okay with it. Self awareness + transparency + honesty + boundaries is probably best policy. In what way are you "thinking about him"? I feel that makes me think you are not over him.

I think it might be called an “emotional affair”? In my opinion (I’m not a therapist) I think how your partner feels about it also factors in. I can see how a partner would feel uncomfortable about you having a friendship with someone you were romantically involved with in the past. I don’t think there is something objectively wrong with being friends with an ex, but might come down to how you negotiate that with your partner

@@i3mma I have question for you over affairs. All i what know if i can have affair without having no sex?😊

@@i3mma i feel it not cheating i will never never having no sex ps i have austim too i am girl not interested in sex just romantic things like texting and talking to them on phone Hugging Kissing Holding hands Watching films Laughing with stephen without never never having no sex

Yes it’s cheating and it’s even more damaging than physical cheating aka sex because of the intent. I’m healing from this and it’s very difficult because the cheater always finds a way to downplay it like you are talking.. “like she is just a friend, that was just for fun”- and the continuation of doing what hurts your partner is also a form of emotional abuse according to me because you constantly gaslight them to a point they can accept the toxic behaviours. If you need to have an emotional affair or attachment with an ex, then let your current partner go and be with that ex and not hurt people.

From what I understood from the video, intent doesn’t matter. Abuse is abuse whether is done intentionally or not. If its a pattern that doesn’t change in a positive way when addressed then its abuse.

Please watch the video again. The entire point is that intent doesn't matter. It simply doesn't matter. Abuse is abuse whether they intend to do it or not. What you need to decide is whether you're going to live with it or leave. Both choices are valid. But if you're looking for a reason why the behaviour isn't really their fault and therefore "not as bad" you won't find it.

That example is less of a healthy boundary and more an example of coercive control. Anything that involves withdrawing affection as essentially an act of punishment is a very subtle sounding but vastly different mechanism in practice than having a healthy conversation where two people have input, and make plans or compromise to meet halfway or find other ways to spend time together. Withdrawing affection, energy or warmth in response to a partner going to a yoga class, doing any sort of self care activity that involves their own personal relationship with self ESPECIALLY to me would red flag punishment of that as abusive or controlling on the other persons part. However even if someone simply wants alone time that doesn’t need to have a rationale or excuse. But of course there’s balance and conversation that can come in deciding on together time also. This example however is a very very clear example of coercive control and manipulative strategies to get one’s way or control a partners behavior. Being on both the receiving (and giving!) end of this sort of behavior in my past before doing a LOT of healing work- it’s difficult to spot, difficult to deal with, and nearly impossible to resolve unless the person acting in this way has done some work on their own attachment style. Usually anxious types or fearful avoidants employ these strategies and they are very different from boundaries - they are control tactics and thinly veiled ultimatums/punishments/power games. And not healthy or productive for either party. Some healthy modifications of this could be provided but understanding the root of why this is a problem or being used in the first place is the more pressing issue, i would think.

What?! That's kind of insane

Gosh get that on tape just so you ( or others) know your not hallucinating! Lol 😆 Also then change therapists asap! Defiantly seems the therapist that plugs here ears & says lalalalal !?!?!? Outrageous! Dismissive of you & your thoughts totally NOT ok. is not qualified to be one!

Run! Why are you still paying for low-key abuse by a 3yr old child?