It's a classic case when someone is scapegoated in childhood and then proceeds to be scapegoated in adulthood. I find that therapy is also helpful to deal with this kind of pattern, for it is deep rooted

I will add to this.... STOP BEEN A CHRONIC OVERACHIEVER

Love it! Target hardening by giving micro signals of "don't f*ck with me, I'm not the one"! 🙌💜

Being independent from the people scapegoating you, work on your inner critic and learn your worth are somethings that help.

I have good boundaries, but it's a different playing field in the workplace. I can be very aggressive but you have to be cool and professional at work.

Within two years, I left an abusive SO and a job working under a narc boss. This boss once told me (apropos of nothing) that I was unlikely to find another job in the area with a different employer (and all the reasons why). When I realized how similar this was to the abuser script of "you'll never find anyone else..." it dawned on me that the fact I found myself in both of these situations at once was not a coincidence. I did find another job-with another potentially toxic boss. One day, after he had been patronizing and rude with me for asking him to clarify something he said (again), I followed him into his office and and said, "Hey-can we talk about what just happened?" I told him why what he did was unacceptable. Five months later, we have not had another incident. I made it clear I wouldn't tolerate that behavior, and to his credit he switched it off. Part of the reason I think this was successful is because I perceived he did care about keeping me as an employee-I did not get the impression that narc boss cared one way or the other...

We often recreate our family of origin in our workplaces; it's very common, as we grow as human beings. Learning to be more assertive can seem like we're aiming for less nice. There's an old but excellent book on the subject called "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J. Smith. I believe it's a must-read for anyone struggling with boundary issues.

I'm tired of being the scapegoat I'm tired of being used. My anxiety is to blame because it's hard for me to stick up for myself I don't like confrontations, and when I do stick up for myself they don't take me seriously.

I dealt with a severe case of NPD at work for a year until I read about it and knew how to fight my colleague. I had been warned by people in the industry before that this man was hard to deal with and wished, I had listened to them, but like many narcissists, he was nice in the beginning and acting as if he was supporting your career. This is how he especially led a lot of young women on. During and after every project, he was highly abusive, before every new project, he would hoover me and tell me how great it will be to work together again. Once I had seen through his bullshit, I knew, the only way I could handle him was to ignore him. I replied with a short response to his last hoover, then at work, I made no eye contact and reduced my conversation to the bare minimum, sometimes to nothing. He was so upset, it amused me. He blocked me on Facebook within days during that project, and I finally reported him to authorities listing all the abuse that happened during the year. He already had about 100 complaints on file anyways and was a known case. The company tried to hoover me about half a year later, telling me that he has changed since he received an ultimatum, yeah right. I refused the job offer.

...and thats why, I seem to have become so nasty in my last 10 yrs ;) cause I was too fostered/raised to be way too kind and enabeling (a crazy female duty), and was robbed of the capacity to set my own boundaries for a long time in life. And still meet those who want to crush them, or test them, and do it in a very distorted way. And those get out of my life, real fast today. Clarity, was lost, never even taught that was important, took me decades to find whats me and whats not me. Workingclasswomenrules; Do what you´re told, and do it until you fall. I say today; or find your own inner voice, and listen to it. And I still slip some times. Still on recovery, way to many yrs lost.

Don't make eye contact, learned that recently, I visualise me forcefully pushing them away from me, very forcefully, like superhuman pushing, I think about what they have done and my anger is just below the surface, but I am calm, amused at their childishness, also, getting my resume together, making that a priority right away, staying present, don't forget to remember.

Being too nice has never been my problem.

For about 25 years I grew up in 2 different scapegoat families. It's like a role you start playing and it's hard to unlearn. I am so easily scapegoated and gas lit now. I am impressionable too. I guess I've been groomed to be this way. It was beneficial to my family but now it has caused me great problems with people. You essentially have no psychological self defense system. Your sense of reality is really flimsy, like you don't trust your own sense of reality. It's like not being sure if you left the keys in the door when you left the house.

It is hard to not be nice. I was raised by a woman who was kind to everyone...even her abusive husband. I have boundaries. I am worn out from being run over, then see them back up and run me over again. Then...somehow I'm to blame. I suppose I was groomed for abuse as an adult but I will not have it. I won't be nice about it either. 👄

YOU'RE TOO NICE.

This is so me. Just get used and abused and I’m a nice friendly person. I always find narcs in my relationships too. It’s horrible. It hard to be something I’m not but I really need to change as my boss picks me up on so much and uses me as a tick box to further his career

DEALING WITH JERKS IN GENERAL: find the humor in the irony in them thinking that they can get away with it, because they can't if you laugh at them!! Laugh as hard as you can in their face. It catches them way off guard and that is not what they want. What they want, as a very dark person, is to bring out your dark side. If you bring out your lighthearted side, they will go somewhere else..............

One way of being respected : 1) be yourself and don’t give any credit of what people say behind one’s back 2) move away, prepare your exit 3) set limits 4) never accept a request that uses fear culpability or obligation, that opens doors to more and more abuse 5) document everything, save tracks, records etc. 6) respond but don’t react 7) observe but don’t absorb.

Just bcuz you are being nice or have a friendly attitude doesnt always mean that people at work just wanna be harsh and mean to you. Sometimes you are just dealing with a bully or narcissist. Its not always bcuz you are too nice or polite. Sometimes we deal with bosses who try to make us work as perfect as possible and frustrate us bcuz he or she is scared of losing their job. The world is a mean place. I know. Nice people can lose in the work world bcuz most people step on others to be promoted. Its very mean and very immoral to do these things but its the norm. You have to develop a thick skin to deal with these assholes. If you dont, you will continue to do poorly. Dont be nice at work. Focus on the work itself. You must also protect yourself from harm. If someone is straight up disrespecting you, you have every right in the book to say something back. Dont let supervisors or bosses view you as weak. Instead, put up some barriers. I had to learn that the hard way. A lot of people work backwards and the few that are good souls dont do well in the work world. Its sad but its true.

This is such great advice, Richard.

Ive been told Im too nice so many times over the years and nobody could tell me *not that i asked lol* how to fix it without just becoming the opposite. i was trained as a christian to treat everyone the same, and my behavior towards them was more of focus than their behavior towards me. add to that i worked in "customer is always right, keep smiling while they abuse you" retail for like 14 years full time..yikes. that forgiveness talk on the other video is the what i watched before this and damn. thank you

Richard your words ( you are too nice ) this has been told to me for so long but I'm now so deeply sad and broken to the point I tried to end my life I'm 57 years old can't believe I'm being bullied and it's broken me to the point I'm scared of my own feelings as I feel this will never stop and my only escape is to leave yet I would break my daughters heart I'm literally hanging on to life with my fingernails

Psyco analize this!!! Evil people suck!!!

Reference the "scapegoats take on caregiver roles" comment - it's more a case of gender specific roles that have been structured into society. Think there's a much bigger picture to this than just narrowing it down to what goes on in the family home. This really ought to be addressed when dealing with abuse of all kinds.

This is great. would love to see more information on target hardening in work/life situations. can anyone give real world examples of how to give off micro expressions to minimise abuse?

I consider myself a nice guy but I do have anger issues. I was bullied horribly as a child and I guess I subconsciously don’t want anyone else to suffer the same fate. I try to be nice and do favors for people and I think people begin to take advantage of it. I cannot say no or know what to say in general when I am feeling stressed and overworked. Then I blow up and say/do something stupid and get in trouble for it at work. I’ve been with the company for 20 years and am senior to more than half the staff. Yet I am still in an “entry level” position (just at a higher pay grade) because co-workers are going behind my back telling my superiors what I say and do. As a result I have been denied higher paying positions while part-timers seem to have the run of the place. The company is ass backwards and run like a popularity contest. So I’m always called into the office and am told that people are afraid of me or that I’m being too harsh with the newer workers. I know I bottle things up but that’s because I don’t want to become that which I grew up to hate. I also know nice guys finish last but I’ve learned to get by with having less than others. I don’t care if people take advantage of me anymore. Every time I try to say something I get in trouble so it’s easier to keep my mouth shut. And if people are benefiting from my actions then that’s me helping people. And hey, helping people is what nice guys do...

Great clip !

I felt like this ppl! Always blame me at work for things!

He s acting quite condescending

You had me at picket fence and hallway ...

The first thing abusers rob you of is your sense of humour. As soon as they have this, the next to go is your pride. If you can respond in a bitchy, funny way that says “I don’t give a f what you think of me” you’re not going to be a target. You also won’t alienate people. At the moment I am surrounded by “nice” hippy caregiver types. “Community minded” etc. I’d put money on most of them being narcissistic abuse victims. Their so called “niceness” looks pathetic en mass. It looks like manipulation - a way of saying “please don’t kick me.” It looks weak. I’m living near a spiritual community where they all have learned helplessness. I think this niceness is false. It’s disowning the shadow side. In vampire stories I realised that the reflection is actually the shadow - no reflection, no shadow = evil. “Niceness” in my experience has meant no shadow which in turn has meant covering up of a festering poisonous wound of evil, manipulative, abusive behaviour. Jimmy Saville was very “nice”.

Richie you R the dope! Thx

This... Opening the door straight into living room. This... Ouch.

Totally agree with too much cellphones (not paying attention). Made me curious though...any ideas on what made people more of a soft target before there were cellphones around?

When you are a scapegoat in your own family it can be devastating. When you are a scapegoat at work, it can be gut wrenching. When you are a scapegoat at church, it can become soul-crushing. When you overcome all three it can be BOSS-ing. 😁

Ya I love you

No Richard, I do not agree with you on this one. This is exactly what they want. Spot on, what they want. They want to pull you down with their moral compass. It has nothing to do with being too nice. Or not being assertive enough. Or not being able to self-protect. They know you have better moral standards than them, and they want to see that punished. Do not fall for that trap. It is how they got there, and we do not follow the evildoers. Keep your heart clean, stand tall with being nice. Cos that is true strength these days.

Thats literally my problem at work x___x I work in a roomescape place and in tattoo studio. In room escape place works also one magician. First he was nice to me because he tought that im just a student, but then i told him that i work in a tattoo studio and he become super mean. Anything i do,he sees it negatively and he talk shit about me to my coworkers. I was friends with one girl there, but he made her hate me. And things he says about me arent even true like: i have messy hand writing because i have dyslexia. So he said its impossible for me to be talented at drawing because my hand writing is so messy. And i said "well because i have dyslexia im good at drawing but my hand writing is messy." But he didnt belive me. And also i have childlike mannerims and stuff because of cptsd. So he said to my coworkers i act like a child because my parents are spoiling me and its easy to be succesfull when your parents support you so much. That couldnt be further from true, my dad is alchoholic and manic depressive and my mum is single mum and works in kindergarden so we are poor. And i think its more childish to talk shit about people behind their back, than have a bit child like mannerims and like stuff like cartoons.

yeah, dude. rich people are the ones that can afford entry halls/foyers etc. poor people live in places with no entry way. because of the, you know, poverty. sigh. eye roll. if only everyone had access to all that space. metaphorically speaking.

*And I guess what grinds my gears is the part: IF life is only material and there are only but material consequences, why do you blame their (the bully's) behaviour so much?* If there is no Justice to it, why do you blame them for playing the rat race game viciously? If there is no Justice to it, how do we differ from the animals? Please, I am not judging any one who does not agree with me. This is a genuine question I wonder about how people's thinking pattern goes, and finds peace with an answer as: there is no Justice to it.

Wow … your too nice … smh

The laughing in the audience is so symptomatic of the English. They can’t cope with uncomfortable questions! Think I have much the same issues working in an English workplace and a lot of it stems down to poor communication and an unwillingness to deal with issues.