I feel better about life knowing good people like this woman exist and make things better for others.

This is EXTREMELY applicable to neurodivergent people (not just kids) and anyone with trauma in their background (again, not just kids).

I love how you're willing to break social rules by letting kids see their presents before their birthday to reassure them. You're just so thoughtful.

This is actually really helpful for me as a teacher. Sometimes you forget that the kids in your room are living in a constant state of chaos and don't do well without clear explanations.

Laura, I showed my mom, a retired teacher and foster mom your videos. She says she wishes resources like yours were available 20 years ago. You are really helping people ❤

These tips are also super helpful for autistic kiddos! Mine does not handle surprises well, so we provide notice of "big events" (while also not hyping them up too much). Same deal with gifts: reassuring them/letting them space out gifts is a huge help.

On the surprise thing, once you have built up some trust, try small and happy surprises. My daughter has autism and severe anxiety. Her therapist was shocked at how well she handles new situations because I made sure to get her used to unfamiliar stuff also being a positive thing.

I was was severely abused as a child and now, even as a grandma, I STILL can’t handle surprises.

YES on the surprise thing. As someone who grew up in a neglectful and abusive home I hated surprises as a child, and still do. Doesn’t matter if it’s something wonderful that I’ve wanted for a long time, if it’s a gift or an experience or if it’s with people I’m safe around. I get instant anxiety.

Nothing worse than a child sabatoging their joy. It means they’ve been taught to hurt themselves. This was once me and it was my constant apology and repentance for existing when I wasn’t wanted

I'm not a foster parent but have used more than a few of your tips with my kids.

I've always asked kids if they want to know what's planned, or if they want it to be a surprise. Anyone in the group can come over and I'll tell them quietly, but only once we clarify that we're not going to tell our friends who want it to be a surprise. A little bit different since I worked at a summer camp, but it was an easy way for me to meet both sets of kids where they needed it. Some hate surprises, some love them.

It’s definitely fascinating how trauma/PTSD can influence how we perceive big days. The past hurts make us anticipate a big day with anxiety because we’re expecting things to go wrong and to end up sad/upset. It takes time and gentle healing to unlearn and be able to enjoy big things again Thank you for illustrating this so well and making a positive example for people to learn from 😊

i was never in foster care, but i have severe anxiety when it comes to not knowing things, so seeing this video existing literally makes me feel so seen

This is so relevant to holidays as well. We learned to open Christmas gifts from relatives as they arrived in the mail (kids saw the postal worker drop off) rather than wait until Christmas Day. Anything to take the hype out of the holiday, which became so destructive to their already anxious psyche. Other families just don’t realize how revving the kids up escalates stress to the child’s detriment.

From my limited experience as a mom, letting your kids know what is up is always a good thing. Even for surprises. I always tell my 2 year old what his day or days will look like if they deviate even slightly from our normal routine. He appreciates being informed.

I'm not a parent, foster parent, or even adult, but watching these videos just restores my faith in humanity. You're so conscious and kind, and to do all that AND share it with others so they can benefit from it aswell? That's just amazing.

Yes!! People are obsessed with big events and surprises. I don't like them because it's too much pressure on one day or too much pressure to act the right way when surprised. I wish people could understand that you can enjoy something you already know will happen. Even with movies, I like to know the plot so I can just focus on enjoying the experience.

I’d imagine a lot of kids have experienced a big day being ruined at least once, all because an adult in their life dropped the ball. But instead of the adult taking responsibility for the failure, they decided to blame it on the child. I love the reassurance that the planned celebration or gift will be there, even if the child has struggles in school or whatever.

Love that you cover all these topics. I'm a nanny and I intuitive apply these things but sometimes I need to explain it to parents and your vidéo's are really helping me a lot to explain things in a simple way. 🙏🙏🙏

I just want to say as a typic parent all your advice is honestly great for children in general.

I love this! As a person who is naturally anxious and always has hated surprises (I ruined Christmas pretty much every year of my life if I think about being told that), this is really helpful esp as you're getting to know the child. Now that I'm older I literally buy my own gifts and wrap them and I still get anxious on birthdays and any gift giving days. I don't know how I'm supposed to act and as a child I would have major tantrums as I felt out of control. The terms "Christmas is coming" or "your birthday is coming" literally bring me to feeling extremely angry. I always had a good Christmas with traditions etc but the not knowing things made me feel sick. My kids are now young adults but if I was to do it again I wouldn't do Santa as a mysterious person either. I used to struggle so bad to sleep on Christmas Eve BC a strange man was going to sneak into the house and leave God knows what and the songs like "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" was stuff I took literally. As the holidays approached my family would say things like "did you hear that? It must've been Santa's elves checking!" It took me years to feel safe leaving my curtains open at any time of day. Now that my kids are older we still do "Santa" but it's never really been this big dude, it's more like we all went in on a bigger gift and didn't mark it as who it was from. If they ask we will say who pitched in. I didn't even have trauma to have caused my anxiety but I was like that starting at around age 3. What my parents thought was normal like "be good the elves are watching" was traumatic for me. I can't imagine being in a foster home where I'm possibly struggling with never having had a gift to possible SA etc and then this family love dumping on me with presents and having no clue what it could mean or if bad things may happen afterwards, add in Santa the mystical being and you're telling your kids a male intruder with super powers is coming. I know this probably sounds insane to many people but if you've never struggled with anxiety it would be hard to grasp why an "exciting time" is over stimulating with the lights, music, different foods, more company, gifts, school plays etc.

i'm not a foster kid but I'm a little ways away from my 18th birthday and living with a friend's family because my family is abusive. I really wish people understood that I hate surprises and I need to know what's going to happen in advance for special occasions, or else I don't feel safe.

Oh my goddd I have a huge issue with this. I self sabotage all the time sometimes without even realizing it because of my guilt about money.

I love how you set them up for success 😊.

Thank you for this. My dad was adopted. He would sabotage holidays and events and I couldn't understand why. But based on this, I now understand that to be a trauma response. He's gone now, but this actually helps me to understand him better and to have more empathy. Thank you ❤

This would also work for kids on the Spectrum!! I’m in my 30’s, finally diagnosed autistic late in life, and this would’ve meant EVERYTHING to me. My mom is neurotypical and has always LOVED surprises, so she never understood why I’d have meltdowns when surprised… honestly, she still doesn’t get it, unfortunately.

I have had a lot of issue with my childhood forcing me to feel a level of anxiety when a days plan is in the unknown causing me to always ask my parents “what around we doing after this. And that?” And then freaking if any of those plans change. So the fact that you explain a day for them is so heartwarming ❤

My aunt actually does this with one of my cousins! He never liked surprises or anything as a kid and so even now (he’s 22) she’ll tell him what his presents are and when to expect a day where he has to act grateful and such

This should be the new standard on how all children are spoke to, with respect and treated like people.

This is exactly what I have to do with my son. He's an adult now but ASD, ADHD, plus other learning disabilities. My job is to be organised and calm and let go of expectations! Sadly it took me years to figure this out but videos like this are worth their figurative weight in gold

I'm a bit neurospicy and this was so comforting and calming 🥺🤗

In some bizarre way, watching this channel is giving me healing and closure and a single adult with no kids. I never ever heard things like this from my mom growing up, and I'm realizing that I needed to

Wow I needed this as a child. ❤ love your vids. I am childfree and sterile by choice. My dad and my aunt and lots of others in my fam are adopted and my uncles were foster parents for years as well as some friends of mine. Fostering has been calling to my heart for a while and when the time is right I believe I’m gonna do it and I’m so happy I found your videos ❤

I think asking if they're ok with surprises can be good too! Like for the birthday example, you could ask "do you want to help me pick out your birthday cake, or do you want it to be a surprise?" I think that might be helpful in giving them agency to choose, and maybe that's a small thing that they WOULD like to be surprised with!

Love this! When my daughter (now adopted) got to me as foster her birthday was only weeks later. We kept it very very small and actually asked people NOT to wrap the gifts at all! Gave her so much anxiety to think of so many surprises - primarily what if she doesn’t look excited enough. Now we still don’t open gifts during parties/holidays/etc- she hates it - so people wrap them and we just open when we get home. ❤ This Friday is 1 year since adoption. We planned a day together and I’m letting her miss school. Cuz boy will kiddos sabotage when emotions are around. Love your videos and we both watch them for when we reopen as foster!

I would love it so much if people talked to me like this

Thank you for all your good ideas. I'm not a foster parent, but I use your tips for my own children.

Thank you for explaining that trauma affects even happy events.

I always thought I was the problem for feeling awful during situations that were supposed to be fun, exciting and unexpected. This helps a lot, actually.

This is so common there are many reasons why children do this from feeling guilty that life is good to simply having zero coping mechanisms in unknown situations. We do not take any holiday with children that have been with us for less then 6 months it’s simply too much for them. We do not tell the children in advance about day trips to zoos or museums but decide that morning if the situation is calm enough for it. This way the children are not step up for a let down.

I guess that makes a lot of sense.. surprises only work when u trust the person

Honestly, I feel this is also useful for your own children. Especially if they're neurodivergent.

As an autistic adult I love this approach. Not just for foster children but a lot of people of all ages on the spectrum would appreciate this as well.

everytime I watch your videos I automatically feel safe and wish all adults treated kids this way because this was what I needed when I was younger

this is honestly just good for all kids. shaming, threatening, etc. are so harmful and do not produce better behavior. kindness, humanity, and strong, honest relationships do.

I wish every parent could watch this just so they learn that there’s a variety of ways to be a person and they can’t just expect their kids to be the way they imagined their kid would be but see who’s in front of them and care for them not see them as their own frustration

I've been an adult for over 15 years and even I could feel my stress levels going up and down during the "bad" and "good" lines. Good video.

As an autistic kid from an abusive home, this is so important. I hate surprises and need to know the plan and expectations. Part of it comes from my dad having plans constantly fall through and the other is I don’t like not having control over what I’m doing.

I wish my own parents had been this nice to me

i’m so glad there are people who try to help undo the habits of self sabotaging rather than berating it and punishing without understanding.

Yep. My mom always told me about presents or trips or whatever after she returned or canceled them over whatever was ticking her off that day. I’m 41 years old, and she’ll still randomly call me to let me know about the gift I won’t be getting for my birthday because I didn’t text her back fast enough.

This is actually something that would be so helpful for me. I get extremely anxious that my fun things are going to get cancelled last minute and my entire week will be ruined. I obsess over it so much that I feel more anxious about the plans than excited. Just making sure that people are reassured that everything is okay, and that nothing is going to be unexpected or sudden is SO beneficial ❤️

I love asking them if they want to help wrap their own gifts to aid their anxiety.

As someone with autism and trauma, everything about this felt beautiful and like comfort and security. I'm glad its out there and I hope people learn from it

Finally a Foster Care Mom with a genuine clue, who sets out NOT to scare the living begeebez out of the child(ren). These are all thoroughly loaded topics for a Foster Child.😊

always give your kids a CHOICE to wrap their presents don't make them wrap their present if they don't want to, it really sucks wrapping your own presents if you don't want to, especially if you also wrap your siblings gifts, it really shows if a parent has a favourite or if they understand a kids interests better. That being said my little sister really enjoyed wrapping her own presents and my siblings after she took over from me, she doesn't enjoy surprises so it was better than overwhelming her on the day of the event

I like the way she proposes straight, firm, loving language and shows a way to take charge as an adult, giving the child the space to be how they are - but still being the adult, unfazed and unruffled. Great.

I'm not a foster parent, but I watch your channel, because a lot of your parenting advice and tactics really work really well for my autistic son. Thank you!

I love watching your videos, they're very reassuring and I'm sure incredibly helpful to people currently in need of tips and advice. Personally, I'm a young adult definitely not ready for any kind of parenting but with a million different paths my life could take in the future. watching your videos feels like a no-pressure way of running through things and reorganising my mind so that I'm a little better equipped if I end up caring for children in the future - fostering or otherwise. And also just generally better able to more deeply consider what effect my actions might have on others, especially young and/or vulnerable people. And also it's just nice seeing caring individuals doing their thing. Hope you're doing well :)

Yes!! Holy crap the self sabotage is a huge factor. It’s a terrible cycle if you don’t use these kinds of tools

Thank you so much for all that you do for children. Even for us who still have the child inside us, you help soothe our pain and see some hope. I'm so glad that you do what you do.

This is also good for any kid, [and for parents with traumatic backgrounds trying to do better], thanks for helping people find a way to do things right.

This vida just make me realize how traumatizing my childhood was for me.. with bio family 😂

For me my parents have to tell me things in advance surgeries, trips , you name it. If requires going out of town and I don’t know till last minute I get a lot of anxiety.

You are literally walking therapy. ❤❤❤😭😭😭 I wish you were/are my mother.

Growing up, my mother would always threaten to take away those big days, and once in a while, she actually would. As a defence mechanism of sorts, I forced myself to shut down any feeling of excitement leading up to an event. Now as a teenager, my friends always wonder how I'm so calm, and they think I'm so brave, and I don't want to tell them that my strength comes from every time I had my world pulled out from beneath me. It's not a lack of minor anxiety, it's a complete lack of trust. Thanks, mom.

I needed this

not a foster parent, but the first thing that comes to mind is -- what if something happens between today and Saturday -- and they have been returned to their family? Would you (if possible) give them the tickets to go?

This is also useful for us autistic folks too. I'm 22 and autistic with bad anxiety. I hate surprises because I don't know what to expect and the anxiety/fear of the unknown makes me dysregulated. Love this short❤ I'm taking notes for the future😊

This took me a long time to learn. Guaranteeing that he would get his bday party, even if he had a meltdown was so important. ❤ He’s 21 now and a well adjusted man. ❤️💕

I never get why parents take away basic rights (like freaking doors) or experiences (like pocket money, presents or time with the family) away as punishment. It makes you feel lesser and undeserving of love, teaches you that you have to earn everything. And if you feel you are not good enough, you start the said self sabotaging, because you aint gonna make the cut anyway, so why try. My nephew broke the family TV and now he gets minimal gifts, but instead "TV shares" as in "You are paying for the TV with your hypothetical presents." He even gave my christmats present for the boy, to his little sister! Those kids are getting therapy for their 18th birthday. (Both parents grew up middle class, studied physics, one with a PHD and they both teach. In my country that means a shitton of money. They bought a house for a ridiculous 400K at 33 or so. No credit. But the 7yo has to pay with a year or so of presents for the TV instead of getting more chores or so to "pay" for it.)

Why does the self sabotage happen? Also this is great tips for every parent 👍 We don't/ can't have kids but your videos are making us consider fostering because you make it seem doable! Your guidance makes me feel like maybe I can do this and not mess up too bad 👍

Laura is a mix between a mother, a psychologist, a social worker and a saint. She’s just wonderful and so thoughtful! ❤

I wish my adoptive mom would've done this with me my anxiety can't do surprises or gifts and she never follows through with punishments

You give great advice.

You’re awesome

As someone who used to be the kid who self sabotaged important days...hearing some of this genuinely made me tear up! Can't imagine how different I'd feel about breaking routine now as an adult if I'd heard some of the examples you're describing here

This stuff is honestly just so healing to watch. Your soft tone and understanding words and the way you exude kindness and safety... Ok as a traumatized autistic guy I'm definitely projecting lolol

One time my dad kicked my out of his house because I wouldn’t take out the one earbud I had in one of my ears when he was surprising me with a concert for my birthday. I have always “had trouble reacting to things appropriately” and my dad has never understood or respected that. He takes it personally.

Can you explain what you mean by ‘sabotaging big days’?

As an adult who have two great parents . . . I could have used this as a child. I have a hard time with events to this day.

As a kid who did exactly this, I'm so grateful for your content

Love this. Just curious on the purpose. Is it to reduce anxiety around surprises? Or avoid them from ‘ruining’ a day that others are excited about? Or?

Thanks for your genuine love & care for foster children Laura. This is literally all I can afford for now. Unfortunately, my experience in foster care and residential homes from the age of 8-18 was the opposite, and I was also taken from a non-abusive biological home based upon the state’s lies & greed. I call it state sanctioned kidnapping, but I am always blessed when I come across people like you! ❤️✝️

This is so good! We didn’t know I have autism till I was 22, and surprises are so hard. I need time to mentally prepare for a loud day and when it was spur of the moment that was so hard and usually lead to a breakdown. Thank you for encouraging this! I’ll do the same for all my kids when I’m a mommy

This feels like something that would be helpful for a child with Autism more than anything

Honestly, I need some of these in my life, too. I don't do well with surprises and feeling trapped.

I just find this channel to be good life advice. I wish we were all taught this type of information. There are lots of different people in this world. I don’t have children (or plan to). I don’t work with children. But I think it’s never a bad thing to learn more about people and thank you for sharing all you have learned during your journey. Just wanted to share that the info you share online is helping more people than you may think.

There were other kids in my foster placement (2 biological and one adopted) and the family was planning on going to Egypt. And there was so much hype about it and everyone was so excited for it. “Two more weeks until we can go to Egypt, we’re gonna be staying in a hotel with a water park attached and it’s gonna be so so fun!!” I didn’t have a passport and wasn’t able to go in the end. I’ve looked at multiple of your videos and such, which doesn’t just talk about and give tips about the CORRECT way to foster kids/teens.. but also to foster neurodivergent people.

I’m an autistic adult and I would love plans to be announced like this to me 😅

The more content I consume in regards to child development and handling different kinds of kids, the more my inner child heals. And I am genuinely enjoying that.

The surprise one is so important. Either it will cause so much anxiety or it will be so exciting that literally nothing could possibly live up to the built up expectations

I wasn't adopted but I feel this is how anyone who works with or on behalf of children should act. I was an especially anxious child and before my diagnosis I would have a breakdown over surprises or even small things that broke our daily routine. As an adult I obviously have a better understanding and ability to navigate that anxiety but it was so terrifying as a kid that i would've loved someone in my corner to help me advocate for myself like this

This is extremely helpful not only for foster parents. Someone below mentioned neurodivergent people. My eldest son is in the autism spectrum and - let's put it like this: I made more than one mistake from the video just to end up with most of the green advice eventually. Could have spared us lots of rows if I had seen this in time.

Why did this make me feel so comforted as a grown woman

I'm an adult with a history of child neglect and honestly...most of these would still work for me 😅

I an a grown up person who will never have kids in any form, but these videos heal my inner child.

Honestly, I think a lot of people regardless of age, fostered or not, etc would appreciate and prefer this. I know I would

This is what all parents should be doing. Inconsistency breeds contempt.