I'm going to take a stab at it....they have power over us because we project our good qualities onto them (while they project their bad ones onto us). We all see others as being like ourselves. So if we are good-hearted, we assume others are too. We keep having hope that we are wrong about them, that they will snap out of it and change....after all, we can change, learn and grow. But they can't because they refuse to acknowledge they are anything less than perfect.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

Being in a relationship with these people is like having a slow, steady and continuous drip of emotional acid dripped on your heart.

When one of your parents is a narcissist, you have a lot of training - you are trained to be a doormat.

Our mistake is that we genuinely believe that the narcissist will change when in fact they're incapable of changing.

My dad, being a narcissist, purposely kept me and my siblings in state of weakness and fear. Now that we are all adults and figuring him out, he can’t stand that we are standing up for ourselves and setting boundaries. All his hard work going down the drain 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Because we were never taught self love.

Society loves these people. The world is narcissistic.

My awareness is finally clear to me but I am pushing 70. Better late than never. Thank you Dr. for this video as well as all your others.

And the last and most important thing we say to a narcissist, is goodbye.

It took a long time for me to train myself to realize...I can run my own life.

We hand our power over to them in the name of love, fear or even to maintain peace and it becomes the fuel for them to thrive and control us.

Was married to a narc almost 25 years. Didn’t know it until the end. I run into narcs and manipulative people constantly. I’m educating myself non stop so I don’t ever have to deal with it again ! Thank you

They played a role in my life. They pushed me towards self love. They showed me what I dont want in my life. I'm no longer a victim . Great compassion and love to those going through this. Life gets better after you free yourself. Blessings to dr.c for all you do to help others. Much love to all.

I came to an awakening about 3 years ago when I finally realized what my family dynamic was rooted in: Narcissism. It took 45 years. I was in the role of giver/fixer. Basically, a narc's dream of supply. My eyes began to open when I met my hubby and he saw the dysfunction. He almost bought into their entitlement and selfish ways by trying to be accommodating in order to be accepted. But when my youngest brother pushed past certain boundaries, hubby established himself and had his say on the matter. From then on, he was regarded as "challenging" and "disrespectful." Fast forward 12 years and during those 12 years, I was still slow to see my family for who they are. I'm a Christian and I thought by turning the other cheek and being forgiving would allow for them to see themselves and see a need to change. I was misguided in my thinking as to what turning the other cheek and what true forgiveness is. Narcs interpret humility and forgiveness as permission to continue being they way they are. In 2017, was when I finally saw the light and realized there is no hope without a change of heart. Your videos Dr. Carter have been a Godsend! Thank you for unpacking what narcissism and all its dysfunctionalism.

It’s NEVER too late to take control of your own life. If you feel trapped in a relationship with a narcissistic person, just start to make inroads into learning to be yourself and not made to feel a door mat and caged in like a lion. You are not a lesser person nor do you have to prolong the agony. Narcs are like a screaming little child who can’t get their own way. I have learnt NOT to fuel their supply by arguing or entering into their manipulative ways. Just simply pick your battles with them and slowly take back your life. You have a right to be YOU. Thank you Dr Carter.

The narcissist appoints themselves to control you....without your consent often with silence they do this....

My years with my ex wife narc we’re totally wasted years every effort I put into that relationship didn’t matter one bit because it only was about her and what she could get out of it. Now I’m trying to mend my life back to some semblance of normalcy. This thing hurt me to my core but I will get past it you can count on it!!

I believe that they have power when we hang onto a naive optimism that your shared history means something, that their words are actually meaningful and that they will change. And of course, we have had the years of love bombing that we believed were real.

They kill you! You just don't stop breathing 😔😩😮

Sometimes I think the healing from narc abuse is more difficult than being in the abusive situation because you see it clearly, you feel the hurt, anger, humiliation, the wrongs and suffering fully.

If early development years mean childhood, a powerful weapon against narcissists is what I've never been given, namely self confidence. When you're accustomed to being belittled, you don't even notice that the narc is disrespecting you. Then, when you start to realize something is very off, you're still unable to stand for yourself and you comply to the narc's rules just to have them off your back.

"I'm strong. I'm capable. I'm determined. I'm ready."

I really believe there is so much heartache in these relationships especially w parents because we have total attachment to them because it's the natural course of life, and they have no real attachment to us. It's not mutual. We are like appliances, either you perform on their terms or you are nothing. Love is completely conditional and their definition of love is not the same as ours.

My mother taught us girls to defer to the men as long as they didn't physically abuse us or substance abuse. So we were super tolerant of selfish and cruel behavior from our boyfriends and husbands.

I’m in the midst of leaving after 20 years😢. It’s SO HARD as we are still under same roof. He’s already moved on. Never thought I’d be starting over at 63. Absolutely zero emotion out of him...doesn’t care one iota

Perhaps because of codependency. I had to come to understand that I am responsible for myself, my actions, and my happiness. No one else is. Neither can I be responsible for the actions of anyone else, or their happiness. I can't change anyone else. Can't wait for this video, Dr. C!

This is an excellent video! You never realize what you weren’t taught until after a profound experience with a narcissist, and then the awakening happens. It feels like a lot of work to heal childhood wounds, yet videos like this help a lot and gives one hope.

Dr Carter says in this video: are you ready to take yourself back to your place of competence, free will and self worth? YESSSS!!! Thank you for reminding me to live my own life.

Trained incompetence that's hitting the bullseye.

When I met my husband I had no idea what a a narc was. I started learning about these kind of people

Thanks Dr. Carter. I have needed this information for decades.I spend all of my adult life in therapy with one therapist after another listening, writing things down and they speaking with such vagueness I still had no idea what they thought or were trying to do. Not once did they point out that my husband never changed, that he was controlling and his violent outbursts were childish tantrums designed to keep me and the kids terrified. I finally began drinking because there was no safe place, no safe time, no safety. That really hurt my kids more because I was supposed to be the sane one. I wasn't. There needs to be a transformation in therapy where therapists speak plainly and kindly and really explain the hopelessness in thinking these kind of people will ever change. They don't. Therapist need to help people make a plan. Most therapists are lazy, relie too much on co-dependency as a diagnosis. Really what I was suffering from was life time narcissist abuse. My sense of self is strong, but people can only take so much abuse before depression sets in. Trapped people become dysfunctional.

I can think of many reason but the one on top of my list is: Their conniving ways of manipulating those close to you (smear campaign). They are social engineers and lack empathy. How do you fight someone who’s emotionally broken, lacks empathy and out to get you? How can you fight these monsters without becoming like them?

Simple. Because we give it to them. And we do it by being dutiful, obedient, hopeful, non-confrontational, intimidated, etc. The reality is no one has real power over you except yourself.

This is a five star video. We have not been trained on how to take care of ourselves when we are with someone who mistreats us.

Been on a 40 year roller coaster. Never changes. I tried everything, to have a conversation, pleading, writing letters, but it’s always control, gaslighting, silent treatment, condescending love bombing, etci Thankyou for teaching us.

Narcissists are pretty much emotional children of 5. They will carry on this way for their entire lives. I should know, my 92 year old mother is still exactly 5 emotionaly. Yes, I didn't know what I didn't know until about 2 years ago. Since then I have emotionally distance myself from her head games & mostly go grey rock instead of losing my mind, when talking to her on the phone. I refuse to go & see her, sadly I just come up with exceses. If I was honest with her she would never ever understand because she is a narc. "When you know best about everything" Her standard excuses for trying to control me was; 1.- I have lived longer then you & therefor I know way more then you. 2. - I am your mother & love you. 3. - I didn't mean that, you "Don't understand". But not anymore. I just wish I didn't waste my life, fighting a losing battle for her accecptance of me as me. If only I knew back in my 20s what I know now, I would have run far & fast out of this country where she couldn't get her claws into me & suck on my soul. I now dream about what my life could have been. Because at 67 with health problems from a lifetime of stress there isn't much I can do now. Except ...(I know it is harsh), to wait til she passes on & I can finally have peace in what is left of my life. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just being realistic now. I fill my days with reading as well as learning about what is going on in the world to name a few things.

I feel that you are pouring your heart out when you are saying Goodness, decency, responsibility, boundaries, self care, kindness, conscientiousness, fairness, and self restraint. You bear the best wishes of all of us. I thank you.

As of 30Minz ago, I was seeing someone who I suspected was a Narcissist. When I asked him why there were other women's clothing on his bedroom floor he dumped me saying he he owed me no explanation. I told him what he was and stuck my finger at him. I'm sticking to my boundaries regardless and I can do that because of all the teachings I've learnt from people such as Dr Les. 🍒

Because we Love, Care, Bond. And trust. Also project our good qualities onto Them and give the benefit of doubt and forgive. We have a hard time believing that some people want to use and abuse others. That was Way more than one reason 😃😂 Number one being LOVE maybe

This is excellent...and I was clueless until I learned about this...😥

Narcs are like abusive dog owners. They just want to kick their dog until it's tail stops wagging. Then they say 'knew you weren't a good dog'. Then the dog rests and rests and rests and gets all it's strength back, and the pattern repeats.

I have overcome it after almost 5 years & the help of the Lord but I was married to a Covert Full Blown Narcissistic Woman. I walked away with nothing but my Sanity. I’m so glad there’s people such as you that understand the devastation they can have on a persons life. Thank you for what you do.

“If you don’t have competence, you’re screwed!” Dr. C. 🤣😂😅 I love this man.

The knowledge I have acquired from watching these videos has defused what was a potentially an explosive situation. The problem of narcissism is not solved but I feel, quite literally, further away from it.

There are a complex of reasons to this but its usually our own unhealed parts of ourselves from childhood & growing up that attract narcs into our lives. We actually give that power away to them unconsciously until we get taught how to heal. I love your vids Dr thank you.

The power switch has been turned off. Living life in consistancy and peace. GOALS. Thank you Dr C. I am learning alot from you.

One day I found myself googling “why wont my husband do anything for me?” Tryin to get some ideas as to why I COULDNT figure it out. I kept googling things like that and it led to descriptions of a covert narc...it’s like the people commenting on videos like this live under my roof. The more I investigate narcs the more I see it now and looking back over the last 17 years. It’s just an unbelievable pain. What makes it even worse is how stupid it makes me feel that I didn’t see something so obvious about the person I love with my entire soul. And in a matter of a few months my heart has just been completely broken. It’s an indescribable pain that’s coming at me from every single aspect of my entire relationship with this man. I’m so ready to be happy. The real knife thru the heart is, now that I see this, I see this behavior TWORDS HIS SON.

I've stated this on other videos, my own mother is a high level narcissist. So, you can imagine my early development involved training to be the perfect companion for all narcissists 🙄 hence my adult relationships (friends and partners). These videos are SO IMPORTANT to my "rehabilitation". Thank you!!!

"you don't know what you don't know". Thanks for the validation Dr C! Also "trained incompetence".

I came to channels like this after my experiences with my former friend, however throughout this entire journey, I came to realise that growing up, my sister was also a narcissist, and probably my late mum as well. Trained incompetence is a pretty good term to go with, but what I live with now is the regret for the fact that I allowed these people to have so much power over my life. I know that I didn't know how to handle these situations growing up, but having all these moments circling in my mind, and how I could have dealt with it better, it kinda sucks. And what I know now, compared to then is so valuable, but it's kind of a struggle to get past.

Dr. Carter, you don’t know how much I needed to hear this today. You’ve given me more strength to keep moving forward. I thank God for you & the knowledge you’re imparting to us. Thank you so much.

I would like to thank you Dr. Carter. During this pandemic I have watched your video's and they have become very helpful to me in handling my narcissistic boss. These video's have helped me have courage, confidence and hope in handling the toxic environment I am in. I want to live in the Team Healthy group too. Once again Thank you

well for me she had power over me during, R, seven-year relationship because I thought she was gonna change, but after being discarded twice, I realized, damn, it hurt, sometimes it still hurts, but I’m doing good, and I’m getting over it, so the bottom line is, we are optimist, and we always try to convince ourselves, hopefully they’re going to change, but 98% of the time, they don’t, I wish everybody nothing but the best out there, we are all in this together

The only problem we have as narcissist's victim is that we CARE. Once we stop giving a flying duck, they got nothing over us. I have to remember this whenever one of them starts a drama.

Such good advice for all of us who are soft, kind -hearted people who allow narcissists to take control of our lives. I have noticed that people who have strong narcissistic tendencies, learn more traits from other more experienced narcissists . They have a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Mr Hyde is to lure you in; Mr Jekyll is to exploit. Very few people nowadays have our best interests at heart. But take heart, there are so many good, decent people out there still. Thank you once again Dr.Carter, you take the victim's confusion away over their relationships e.g. (why am I treated so badly when I’ve given so much in terms of finance, physical energy, skills, devotion,etc). Real Love builds up……love does not destroy.

This is my number 1 video from you!!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

#1 Reason: Because we give them an audience, which feeds their narcissistic 'supply needs'. "Do not answer the stupid one according to his foolishness, So that you do not put yourself on his level. Answer the stupid one according to his foolishness, So that he does not think he is wise." -- Proverbs, chapter 26

This is one of the most important topics. How long, when it started and what was done when you did not know... when there was no explanation for this.

I remember being best friends with a narc when I was in school in the 70's. He would tell me things we both knew weren't true and then ask me in front of his friends whether I believed him. I once beat him at penalty kicks and had to listen to him saying how lucky I was all the way home. He once asked me if I believed what was a total lie, and when I said no he attacked me. He would let me keep company with him until his friends were around, and then he would tell me I wasn't welcome. He would be perfectly pleasant one minute, and then would bring up arguments on the spur of the moment. Even when I was 14 I thought he was mentally ill. Very sick character.

Wow! I needed to hear that today. I have freed myself from narcissic family and people i thought were friends. It's now lonely. I want you to know how important your words are. You are consistent. I haven't had that before. 💕💕

Never again those evils will cross my way damn! They are not proper or real human being.confuse you and make you feel like you don’t know what you doing or who you’re!

They don't have power over me any more, I have peace in my life.

Remember your kindness is not a sign of weakness.. Believe it!

Dysfunctional youth, 26 year marriage to a narcissist. I don’t believe I will ever have the ability to have a “normal relationship with a man”. Am seeing a therapist, but I seem to have a strong attraction to the narcissistic tendencies of the men I get involved with.

Dr. Carter, as a professional cellist and pianist, teacher and grandmother of almost 74 years now, I want to let you know how much I appreciate your videos and the way you present these subject because the tone and content of them is VERY helpful. My mother died when I was 3, my father when I was 26 and my sibling when I was 34, and I'd never met a narcissist until a few years ago, and knew NOTHING about this type of personality whatsoever, nor how to exactly deal with it. I've been a confident and capable person ALL MY LIFE, but had no idea on this subject. THANK YOU, Thank You, thank you for your pleasant approach to an unpleasant topic! You have helped me tremendously! And thankfully I was able to walk away from such an individual because of knowledge I did not previously have until I heard your insights! What a SHAME these people never learned how to get along with others. How do you help such people that do WANT to change that ARE narcissistic? It is obvious to me they are a waste of time, at least in MY life at this late stage. I have no idea how to inspire them to WANT to change, so I gave up trying. No love lost either.

I fully agree- I had to stand up against a family of narcissists at the age of 15. Since then of course. But it holds true that it is overwhelming to stand on your own two feet at that age- but I did that.

This really hits home. Oh, how I groveled! How terrible! I gave up my dignity! I will NEVER do that again. My family members to which this applies all live far from me. So, I'm going to commit to not groveling in communications. They've gone silent (again) anyway. Not going to beg or jump through hoops. Thank you, Dr. Carter!

I think this has to be one of the most important teachings I've ever heard. I wish it were part of the school and even church curriculum. I say that because a parent can't give what they don't have. Maybe the problem would be finding qualified teachers. I'm rambling. I'm going to watch this many more times. What a blessing you are, Dr. C.

"The power switch, for them, has been turned off." Amen, Dr. Carter!!!

Thank you for your helpful information. I was married to a Narcisse 38 yesrs! And now I have a new happy healthy life☺

Oh goodness, spot on, no soul or emotion conversations while I was growing up. Just had to be a good girl. I love this session Dr Carter. Keep up the good work educating the world about where not to tread... or if you do then how to back track out of it and get on the right track. Much appreciated. x

I just discovered this channel a couple of days ago, and boy is this helpful. Especially because psychotherapy is hardly a thing where I am from.

I totally see this after being raised by an cover Narc, my Dad….and an overt narc, my Mom! Thanks again for helping us make sense of the crazy! At 63 I’ve spent my life trying to understand our unhealthy family dynamic. You have given me such peace by helping me realize….it wasn’t me! But also that as a result I have my own dysfunctions or challenges to work on. Thank you Dr. C!

"Trained competence, fellow sojourners," are the mini-mantras for me this weekend. Thank you!

You knocked it out of the emotional baggage park this time!!!! So many problems stem from exactly this and our lack of skills and training. Love all you do Dr. Wes!!! Thanks for your guidance and enlightenment!💝 your fan in CR

All power they got from me. Awareness, understanding, and ownership helped me to overcome psychosomatic traumas. You are a big contributor in my recovery process, thank you deeply much!🙏❤️🤗💞🌞🦅

Thank you so much for this. I have found so much wisdom and knowledge and strength in your videos to let my narcissistic boyfriend go. He has hovered me twice and no matter the love bombing or promises - I realize he is who he is and will never change. You speak from such a great level of help - I have been able to overcome this time and time again thank you to you. Your videos always bring me back to a level of grounding and centeredness to see through the falsehoods. Thank you 🙏 ❣️

I can't wait to hear this one like I have to check the site everyday just to stay sane

And it is never too late to build up skills to get rid of trained incompetence, right? Thank you again Dr. Carter!

This was really true. I was set up for being taken advantage of men obsessed with power and control. My mother the whole time I was growing up coached and reminded me to jump when my father said jump so as not to get physically harmed by him too. When he was home as the oldest child I would tip toe around the house along with my mom and brothers when he was home to keep the peace often at all costs. Like for awhile when he was often walking around our house wearing a gun while always wanting to go spend time at the gun range instead. It almost seemed normal to me because from the time I was an infant that was the home I was growing up in. I got so good at it that my mom as soon as I became a preteen gave me the role of often asking my father for money to buy necessities for myself so she wouldn't have to. Which didn't always result in enough. And so during some years I was cold in the winter and I at times got mocked at school by other students only for wearing shoes with holes in the soles and for having a father waiting in the union hall for another union backed tradesperson job. Pride through the status of superficial things has never worked for me. Never giving up on goodness, responsibility and keeping my boundaries maintained for me to be living in self-respect, decency and fairness. Now as an adult not living with a criminal anymore [both ex-husbands of mine have after I left them later did give up doing domestic violence and doing other kinds of crime like being in a road rage] -- I can plan and carry out that list to my fullest potential for the benefit of others too although I am over age 60 now. I am better off alone than trying to make someone else see that being honorable to people of any age, gender and income is far more important than being in control of the future concerning money and material things. The hierarchy helps people victimized by the narcissist and the hierarchy often breaks down for the same reason after the odd one finally rises to the top for a season.

Be assured Dr C, you are helping me change my life in positive and at times scary and challenging ways. Facing truths and becoming confident and peaceful in all is an excellent path to pursue. Thank you for having faith in me. I’m so glad that you do - 😊🙏❤️. Me too.

That makes sense ... Back when I was growing up we wasn't allowed to talk about our feelings it was don't speak unless you're spoken too ..

It's a life long process. I'm so excited to have started my journey even at 62.

There is a lot more information available since the advent of the internet and channels like this one. I have read so many self-help books over the years and NONE taught this. The first time I heard the term "passive aggression" I knew the thing had a name. I seriously searched but the information was mighty thin for the non-professional. The internet has broken down a lot of walls.

Taking notes on this one, Dr. C! Very powerful video. Thank you! 💕

At 65 years of age, the penny is beginning to drop. I too was born into a narcissistic family dynamic. It is what for some time was a reference point, a form of normalcy that I did not fit into. The competency as well as recognising the ‘law of attraction’ towards the intrigues of narcissism have opened me up to recognise my maladaptive behaviours. This video and many others have got me to this special new place. Thank you.

I KNEW I wasn’t incompetent… I just didn’t know what I didn’t know! That’s a GREAT start on self confidence 🤔☺️

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It has taken me 16 yrs to find the strength to break away, but, "YES", with your videos and a little counselling whilst breaking away, I have almost found the person I was before this disastrous episode of my life. Have faith in who you are my friends, when the time is right, you will find your way again.

Dr. C thanks for what you do to help others. After almost 58 years surrounded by these people I am a better man and will keep on working on me. I can only help me. It truly is all about being a better me, I can't help them.

THEY'LL NEVER CHANGE..... TAKE CARE OF "YOU", and DISTANCE YOURSELF from THESE LOSERS ❗❗❗🤗❤️

Self-esteem is key. People can't control you if they can't make you chase validation.

I haven't even watched the video yet but judging by the title I would have to say it lys between 2 things. . Money and Fear. .. Most people that are abused by narcissists have been manipulated into not having any money or having their money controlled by them. . And as we all know it does take money to live an independent life. .it takes money to even get a new start in life and it's not always that simple or easy. And because of this fear sets in. ..not only do you fear the narcissist and all the abuse they have dished out on you day after day, but you put the fear of no money on top of this and it's beyond crippling ! I don't care what anybody says. .if you had enough money to make it on your own, you would run for it. ..when I was young, very young I got married to a total toxic pycho narc , but of course I didn't know till about 2 yrs in..I had a child. .I was not allowed to work. ..I was not allowed to go to college. .I was not allowed anything that would make me not dependent on him. ..I could have went back home but I had left there because of narc abuse and sexual abuse so that was out of the question. ..his abuse became more and more powerful. ..not only from him but also his family. .I was watched day and night to make sure I didn't leave. I had 2 more children, lots more abuse and absolutely no money. ..for 30 yrs all I thought about was if only I had some money to start over. ..we didn't even own the shack we lived in. .his parents did. ..so divorce wouldn't have given me anything either. ..so I know about 2 things. ..fear and lack of money. .those 2 things I know well. ..

thank you again and again from Germany. You can't imagine how helpfull your advice is. In Germany we don't have channels like yours.

Being honest, and looking back, I can say I had a doctorate in Trained Incompetence. I was in my toxic relationship for 16 years. Learned more in the last 2 years than I did the first 45 of my life. Life is getting better, but the healing is slow.

Both of my parents are narcissistic and that hurt little girl deep down inside of me still wants their empathy and unconditional love!

My competence (which needs more training) wavers under the scathing assault of the narc telling me I have no rights, no business thinking, and yet must do all on my own so he can critique.

Thank u for the good videos. No money for councellors for the time being. But the videos are helping me a lot for the time being.

i didn't know what i didn't know - MAN! Thank you, a thousand thank yous - I went through uncountable hells because I couldn't understand - how this guy got inside my pants, how he 'spat on his piece of cake' so no=one else would ever want me. How the elders of Jehovah's Witnesses punished me for 2 years instead of consoling me and saying those precious words to me, that could have healed me "you didn't know what you didn't know' Now you can do better. I listen to you all day long, and you have helped me more than you can ever know. Bless you and bless you and bless you Les, Dr Carter. Stay sane for all those following you. Lead us to the green, green pastures of peace. Amen. 🙏🏼

It is a broken world full of broken people. The key is to become as fixed of a person, people, and community as best as possible so that way we do not fall into those broken communities and become apart of this broken world full of those broken people.