This video confirms my belief that dealing with narcs are 'above my pay grade'. No contact is the only way to live. And, live you will!

In the first 6 months of my relationship with my ex he said, I know how to f@ck with people's heads. And naive 21yr old me had no idea what he was talking about and thought little about it. Now I often think about Maya Angelou's quote "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". This gem would have saved me a lot of pain.

I have found in my experience most narcissist are spoiled brats who were always given their way, never told no or given adequate discipline or boundaries

What amazes me about toxic people is their claim that they don’t like drama, but drama seems to follow them wherever they go. They essentially create chaos and drama but claim they never had anything to do about it. That blows me away.

If you are manipulative then you don't need anger! Narcists use anti-social behavior (glibness, hypocrisy, invalidation, alienation, triangulation, gaslighting and projection) to control others, it has a PTSD effect on their victims. The motive is the key, it is ok to get angry if someone is hurting others. A narcissist gets angry in protection of their ego.

I love Kati's take. When you understand how fragile narcissists are, you see them as they really are. When you see them as aggressive, powerful, and even evil, you give them power. When you see them as pathetic, and fragile... they will hate you with a passion because you see the part of them that they are desperately trying to hide. When you extend them compassion... they hate you as much as they hate the part themselves that they are desperate to hide.

Sociopaths and Narcissist are not the same thing. Evil intent is the key, and worse is when they pretend to be upright.

They turn other family members against you too. Lies, lies and half truths.

Christmas 2022 we (cousins) had a holiday meal without narcissists (parents). We had a calm, civil, pleasant day (relief). That confirmed it wasn't me or us (cousins) and I realized I was ok and the parents WERE the ones with the problems, I'm so tired of hearing how I, or, we cousins cause all the issues. Leave out the narcissists and there's no issues!

My mother always told me, "Watch out for the so-called pillars of society." They have the most to hide.

Please do something on how narcissists affect kids in the short and long run. They really destroy their children’s lives and it takes years, even decades to deal with the effects.

Narcissist put up brick walls to protect their vulnerability, but the narcissist takes every opportunity to smear innocent victims!

Yes it's evil to me, when someone can act and say I love you, then turn around and act like your nobody to them. They never cared from the start. They can turn the emotions on and off whenever they feel. With no remorse. It's just all a game to them.

100% spot on. He can never say "I'm sorry".

I would never take feedback from someone who I wouldn't turn to for advice. - Kati

The first indication I have that someone is a narcissist is how they react when someone tells them, "No." That's when you realize their fury is just beneath the surface.

I've known many narcissists, and I've always found it rather ironic that they invariably want to blare to the world that they're "*CONFIDENT,"* yet they crave constant praise and validation; they literally cannot get enough. On the other end of the spectrum, I've known a few (I can think of two, offhand) truly confident people, and they calmly did what they did, knowing they were excellent at it, enjoying the accolades when they came, but not demanding them.

Condescending, contemptuous & manipulative, the narcissist in a nutshell .......... "I'm sorry that's what you think" "I'm sorry you feel like that" translates to "I'm sorry you think you can call me out & think that I even care enough to actually acknowledge I did anything wrong to you"

39 years wasted but thank God it's over and I'm free. Lot of unlearning to do.. the ego still creeps up on me almost 4 years into healing.

The 'walking on eggshells' feeling was something I felt from the start, but not knowing anything about narcissism, I didn't see it as a red flag. Turning it around...oh yeah, like telling me I "just chose to be hurt". There was so much more. Thanks Dr C for the chance to hear another view.

He said a narcissist finds your faults and then camps out on them. So true. And the worst part about is they will try to draw out scenarios in which they can place you back ino that faulty version of yourself. And even if the alleged "faulty" behavior isn't that bad or entirely true, nor is the scenario they are now painting you into....it matters not. In their eyes they have proven that you are still the same old monster you have always been, and boy are they going to let you know about it!

Facebook would have died without narcissists.

Their vindictiveness is pure sadistic and devastating because it affects so many aspects of your life. They want to harm, emotionally, physically, mentally and psychologically. It doesn’t matter who is in their way, they enjoy making you hyper-vigilant with fear everyday of your life.

So informative. Fight, flight, freeze and fawn, wow the narcissists really do a number on our psyches! You need a dictionary just to keep up with all the responses that our nervous systems have to endure. Thanks Kati and Dr C.

Not just emtional chaos, but physical aliments too. I was so often ill during the 30 years I was married to my narc husband. Now at 77. I have aliments that probably can be traced to my treatment by my ex.

If you pay attention you will notice the subtle signs of rage brewing and simmering in the clenching of their jaw muscles, the tension you begin to feel in your body due to the constant tension they carry within, the contemptuous facial expressions and expressions. If you question your sanity,intuition and begin to believe you’re the disordered one a good read is Emotional Contagion. If you’re around them for long periods of time, you will become like them, live an unlived morally deficient low quality life. The walking on eggshells is the damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you feel despair, dread, existential hopelessness and growth is non- existent, there’s a good probability that you are around a disordered person(s).

I married someone who is a narcissist. He’s so super unhappy and focused on the negative. I’m going to take a break this summer - get away for a few weeks to reconnect to my happy place. He’s a lot better when I distance and don’t expect much. I’ve accepted that the kind, authentic love story I wanted is not going to happen.

The dysfunction comes out when there is conflict. Yes, so true with saying that. 👏

The nastiest trauma appears to come from the fact that covert narcissists consciously hide their very bad behaviour. Dis-regulated RAGES and CONTROL issues. They know it! But they don't know how they have a character issue and how damaging it is to people around them. These people need to learn and change.. somehow ..but the first line of defence is getting to outsmart them. Thanks for the session. Will check your books out. :)

Thank you, Dr. Carter, for having Kati as a guest on your program. She is such a pleasant lady. It was a joy listening to your interaction with her. As usual, each of your videos deepens my understanding of narcissism and is helping me greatly as I try to heal from extreme abuse from my narcissistic husband. Thank you, Dr. Carter for all you are doing to help us heal. You are an absolute treasure. Lu

When I truly realized what he was, I saw a monster. 32 years , culminating in me taking care of him during what was the last 4 months of his life. That was a year ago,but right before he died, he felt the need to “come clean” about his side trash in another city….what a legacy to leave for the family, so painful and destructive. For anyone on the fence about leaving, you deserve to be with people who give you peace and love. Being alone is sooooooo much better, no insults, lying, humiliation, my every move narrated, …no more and from now on, it’s all about me

When you feel empty you create drama.

The 2 of you are absolutely the best. Describes my 26 year marriage exactly. Thanks to my therapist (YOU go get thearpy...says the narc. Best idea ever.); joining a womens chorus; and your videos, I'm thriving with a new (5 years) hubby. It's sad but I felt like he was going to drown with or without my "help" and I had just enough energy to swim to shore.

It's wild when it finally hits you that you've been working for a person who fits on the higher end of the narcissistic spectrum, and all the pieces start coming together, all the little moments where you felt something was off....and you finally get it. Their facade was extremely convincing. But I see it now....nothing but a house of cards. I have quit my position and will now embrace freedom and health. Thank you both ❤

Thank you both for spreading the word about this awful mental condition called narcissism.. It took me 20 years to realize that one of my daughter-in-laws is a narcissist. She has ruined my son, is still working on ruining my relationship with my grandchildren. She spews poison throughout my family. While I was trying to figure out “what was wrong”, I began to read and came across descriptions of narcissists. My son is now miserable and irritable. He has become like her and gaslights me on a dime. He denies everything. Her parents and sister are also her partners in crime. My boundary is that I don’t go to their home anymore. That’s a great relief for me. I turn my phone off because I don’t want to hear from my son, for now anyway. I’m retired and go out each day and make it my goal each day to live a good life and love the other grandkids in my life. Walk a lot to combat the depression. Enjoy each day by treating yourself and others well and with kindness. Thank you again for spreading knowledge about NPD.

My intention for today is: Be healthy for my own sake!

What Kati says explains the memory gaps I have and that my kids have over the last 20 years.

The best thing in life is when narcissists makes you stronger, wiser and better. Being able to be grateful and thankful dealing and coping with narcissists shows how the enemy is weak and messed up at their own games. I am 65 years, eleven months and 26 days as of my comments. Watching them self-destruct is an atrocity to witness. Having love, compassion, and resources left is proof how staying ahead of the narcissist bullshit. Taking care of myself keeping it seriously simple aka KISS is the best advice. Thank for reading my comments. Smiles

Two wonderful people making the world a better place. Thank you, both, for all you do!!!

I have a narcissist mother and I try to keep my visits with her as short as possible and I find out later through other family members that she complains about what short of a visit it was. I hate going by myself, it's so awkward there's really nothing much to talk about. I've been hurt by her so many times that I have nothing I wanna share with her in regards to my personal life.

Another great interview. I can testify to the thing she said at the beginning where you may not see the narcissist for what they are until you say 'no.' (At least that's what I think she said.) My sisters and I are all in our 50s and 60s, and when my therapist first said "they sound like narcissists," I disagreed. It's only as the events that triggered my saying 'no' to them unfolded (involving my mom's estate) and as I learned more about narcissism that I've come to firmly believe my therapist was right. It's hard not to feel stupid for not seeing the signs much earlier. Of course, I'm not trained in psychology, so ... I did know on some level that saying 'no' would lead to a god-awful struggle. I'm pretty non-confrontational, so I just gave in a lot. I finally found something I wanted to stand my ground on, and, wow!, the lies, the smears, the over-the-top cruelty. How did I not see this before?

Oh my gosh! "Sure I did something, but now you're yelling at me, so I'm the victim." EVERY. TIME. I would always get so flustered by this because I wanted us both to have our concerns heard and I kept saying stuff like, "I brought up my concerns so I would like to talk about them." And then, "So, because you're the only one who complains, you're the only one who gets to talk." I totally bought into it and it (and tons of other stuff) had me feeling pretty bad about my behavior. I gave up trying to work through our conflicts and he thought the relationship changed so much for the better, but I was one foot out of the door.

I love the work of today's guest, Kati Morgan. Listened to her since she first began presenting on KZfaq. Dr. C., so glad you brought her aboard today. Thumbs up!! :)

Thanks for explaining the fawning response of the adult child of a narcissist who has tried other responses and is desperate to do it right and avoid being hurt again, and in so doing, strengthens the trauma bond. Appealing to truth was my crime. False hope and assumptions like "all mothers love their children" and "everyone wants a happy family" kept me stuck.

BRILLIANT PODCAST really ENJOYED IT, was married to a narcissist for 28yrs and ABUSE WAS HORRIFIC, divorced now and live in PEACE.

I recently went no contact with a covert narcissist and have experience everything you guys are talking about. I'm still feeling confused and feeling guilty . I am an empath and I did see his sadness that's what kept me with him for 16yrs

I fell for the bait and got sucked into the chaos. I found myself acting way out of character and the only way to stop that was to get away. I’d never behaved so out of character and she nearly had me convinced that was just how I am. I had to ask my ex girlfriends if I’m that person. I am not. I asked her ex who she said was lovely and on good terms with if she was that person. She is. Get out, it’s the only way. Good luck x

This is so spot on, I told my ex narc that we both had past wounds we needed to heal so we could be better for each other. Two days later he had blocked me and was in a new relationship, 2 weeks later engaged and within a month of our break-up he was married. I remember one of the last things he said to me was “are you sure you want to do this” I remember it sounding so cruel and calculated.

After my family experienced a smear campaign, Narcissists rage , threats and then a hard discard we definitely knew we meet a narcissist. This was a definite life lesson and we enjoyed no contact. I have definitely been educating myself about this toxic personality so we don't ever repeat this mistake again. Thank for this discussion as I feel better knowing that my family isn't alone.

Thank you for the self preservation comment. I’m looking for my voice and mostly realize what had happen to me over 24 yrs. Last fall I stopped being his supply. I saw no joy in him, I was sick of isolation and no comments on our lives together. Thank you for this knowledge. I found his social media & knew I was on the right path to make him leave.

Super chat between our good Dr. C and guest Kati Morton! Golden nuggets and advice. I was encouraged to take my "Breath IN! ", knowing my 'wise mind' from my 'emotional mind,' and an atta-girl toward staying my resilient self. We can become chaos-free!!! We deserve the love we gave, the self that was discarded. We are not trash.

I refer to narc abuse as spiritual rape

I hate Narcs there alway dificult to get along with you can't even have a simple conversation and express your opinion with them before you know it,it turns into an explosive rage.

Really like how Kati is so matter of fact about why a narcissist acts the way they do. It doesn't really give you a chance to get emotional about it and then give ways that you can handle yourself with that person. Dr. C does that as well, its just a different style and hearing them both together is like receiving new, amazing tools in the toolbox for the next time this situation pops up. Great interview!

Having learned the truth, now comes another challenging part of the healing: Identity. Cleary it was stolen from us. Who do 'we' choose to be now that we are finally free?

Kati us so right about rage, shane and jealousy. The problem is always when people can't admit they're in pain and continue to make you suffer. If we get the opportunity to get some life history from them in most cases there is trauma, and feelings of shame. ❤️😄

Dread. We feel lots of dread. Walking on egg shells while forced to wear a heavy wet stinky coat and smile while convincingly saying Your amazing! Im so lucky.

Limiting the amount of time I spend with the narc is a great idea. It will reduce my daily exposure and allow me to feel more in control of me and my time. Thank you for the video!

The sadistic nature was very disturbing ...He hated to see me happy and did everything in his power to distress me and enjoyed my pain....it was very sick

"They just broke the rules." Spot on. You can't be authentic with a narcissist.

Thank you, Dr. C, Kati is so down to earth, as you are, and sincere in her communication. I've been with a narc spouse for 47 years and stay as far away as I can most of the day, to rejuvenate myself. Many years ago, he said something that he had heard from a co-worker, and he enjoyed it so much that he has repeated it often to me..." when you find a good horse, you ride him". He expects me to do everything at home, but complains to others that I am controlling. I am actually laughing as I write this. Another phrase he he is always saying to everyone after a goodbye or at the end of a phone conversation is..." Ok, you're in control ". He fits the narc bill precisely, and I the trauma bonded individual. But I have learned so much from you, I am growing exponentially. Thank you so much.

I love the analogy of the narcissist as a Faberge egg! Brilliant!

I will never forget one of the first times my covert said something that was referencing his causes. But before I discovered he was a narc. He said " I don't like to be told 'no'". I said "no one likes to hear 'no'. In my career I hear 20 'no's' to any one 'yes'. Grow up and take the adult path when a no is given to you! "

I reached a point where it felt less like walking on eggshells and more like walking through a minefield! I never knew what was going to make him go off on me. It was pure insanity!

What ever they think in the moment is what's best and the whole time they scheming to get what they want no matter what. The victims become lonely and get accused of being who they are. Generalizing can become an issue.

Excellent content ❤ "I will never accept feedback from someone I wouldn't go to for advice." Thank you!🙌🏻

Thank you to both of you and the whole Team!! ♥️🙏🔥 Yes, it is extremely difficult to rebuilt ourselves, but not impossible... that's the challenge!! Sending you and everybody lots of positive vibes and strength!! Have a wonderful day!! 💪🙂👍

Before I discovered narcissm, in March of this year(2023) I always thought my narc husband was very confident, contrary to the fact that he actually isn't ... deep down He always excels at what he does, and he works alot. He is an amazing provider So i often doubt that he even is a covert narc, that's why I keep subscribing to so many different channels, cos i almost want to double confirm or alleviate the fact that he even is a narc But the evidence is overwhelming, on every channel. Breaks my heart, that there is nothing I can do, now that I know what i know This matter is hopeless My only option is to get out And that is not even easy to do. To pack up a lifetime and simply move on This has been a really long hard road😢

This will save you a lot of pain: Realise they have no empathy. Don't take anything they say personally. They shoot at you nasty remarks, they are passive aggressive, they lash out not because of you. Disengage. Don't try to clarify nor seek justice with them

Gaslighting is the denial of someone’s reality and will lie and manipulate to keep shame away ❤

Oh my. It was like listening to you talk about my mum. She’s 85 now and her rage, manipulation and pretending to be the victim after emotionally abusing me is getting worse 😢 I’m 55 & in therapy & Dr C & Kati are a huge part of that. Thank you both ❤😊

I was in a narcissist abusive relationship in high school with my first boyfriend who was also physically abusive and financially abusive to me. I am shocked that i did not know, even after many relationships, that this was not normal. Its a later in life shock for me. Thank you for discussing this and letting others gain knowledge of these horrible people that we dont need in our lives!

Hello from California Dr. Carter, Kati Morton, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. They love to keep you off balance and lips move, they lie. They live to destroy you and anything you care about. You are so right that one will lose themselves in a relationship with a Narcissist. I believe that as soon as you detect that they have problems get out of that relationship as soon as you can. Thank you for a great session with Kati Morton. I so much enjoyed this and learned so much more Dr. Carter. Thanks so much.

The worst thing you can’t get back is time. Looking back, 32 years of abusive marriage, what a waste of my time. Sadly he passed away a year ago, I’m still dealing with the painful experience, but I’m slowly healing and I remind myself daily, he can’t hurt me anymore

Kati, thanks for explaining the root of narcissism. I watch this channel a lot!

The "family dance"...WOW, that hits home.

I absolutely love Kati’s point of view and how she articulates the why and the hows of this deadly destroying disease.

Omg! What I can't deal with is my malignant narcissist husband whom I am currently separated from, is literally talking like me, using all my words(expressed frustrations/hurt/feelings etc) back at/to me? And to everyone else around. Then goes to the extreme of arguing, that they are his words, feelings etc and I'm crazy, I'm delusional, told keep lying to myself etc I called him out on it, telling him it was down right creepy! (How can others not see this?)Talk about a mind twist. I just don't understand this twisted behavior at all. How could any adult even feel comfortable outright acting this way.

What a pleasure it was to listen to this conversation. Together you hit on exactly what I'v dealt with for 33 years & where my therapy is now focused: on myself & my needs after my whole adult life was spent in chaos that my narcissist created. I'm always learning & growing & this was very affirming to hear, thank you!

A wonderful insight again into the tortured mind or should I say soul of a narcissist. It must be so debilitating for them to have no real emotion other than angry and angrier. Thank you both for the super video.

Dr C, I am watching this video for a second time in preparation for my daughter's wedding where I'll be up to my armpits in narcissists and their unresolved chaos. While listening and making notes on how the shame and immaturity of family members could catch me out, I suddenly realised I am more likeable than any of them, I look younger than most of them, and I am better educated than ALL of them. I never thought to consider what they might be jealous of... I am definitely going to trigger them when I lead her down the aisle. Thank you, Kati for your work, and for your 'spoons' and 'breath-in' strategies.

Thank you, Kati Morton, for a way to speak about narcissism that I can really wrap my head around.

I wish more on narc friends were mentioned too. I see a lot with relationships.

I listen to this and its my life. I spent 12 years with my wife and until recently, had no idea that i was in a relationship with a narcissist. I always knew she started trouble and was controlling. It wasn't as noticeable when i worked and it was just me that she controlled. But when we had a son, cleaning services, a babysitter, she got a job, and i went back for my MBA. She couldn't keep up with controlling everyone. To keep a close watch, she gave up bathing and caring for herself. She didn't even leave the home anymore. She said that she was the only one doing everything and she couldn't take care of herself bc she's keeping it altogether and no one helps her. You'd be surprised how they can kick up arguments out of no where and circulate the conversation. The issue for me was that i couldn't participate anymore. I had coursework, a job, and a son who i spent lots of time with. I spent much time with him to offset the control she put on him. Basically, i tuned her out and didn't listen anymore. She started slandering me to anyone who would listen to her. She said i was cheating, using drugs, dealing drugs, manipulating her, beating her, and stealing. When i found out, i went totally silent. She started showering, looking pretty, cooking again, cozying up to me. I wasnt having it unless serious change occurred. She went to the store, i was sitting at the kitchen table on my laptop, 2 police officers knocked on my door, and removed me from my home. My home, the one i bought 2 years before i married her.

The point about manipulation and exploitation hits home with me : I think that's the most painful part. I mistakenly confronted my narcissistic mother for the first time in my life. It wasn't worth it,I never should have bothered. It was bad enough that she denied my feelings and didn't want to listen to me ; but she also sent my siblings after me as flying monkeys!! To this day they believe I verbally abused her " that one time" I dared to speak up for myself. My siblings believed her ,and shouted me down!!

He used to punch himself in the head.. when he raged .and I remember thinking Omg what did I get into..this man is very sick..I'm still traumatized by the abuse

Spot on! Everything they are feeling, they push onto you.

I think shame plays a huge part in the narcissistic person’s life. I was unlucky enough to fall in love a man who is deeply narcissistic, and in hit me in the end how ashamed he was, and how much he was projecting his shame onto me. He essentially hid me from all of his family members, his friends, refused to acknowledge me for years. I told him in the end that I don’t need his shame, and have promptly cut him out of my life. I don’t know how he’ll deal with this rejection now, but I honestly can’t say I’m concerned about him because he did his best to destroy everything about me. I’m essentially done with him.

Having grown up with borderline and narcissistic family member, I never saw modeling of conflict resolution. I still have a terrible time with conflict -- I usually leave the situation rather than staying in an unregulated state.

Thank you. This gives me so much validation. You have described my ex boyfriend perfectly. It didn’t work because he didn’t want to work on his faults and always pointed out mine to the point I had no will to live. Narcissistic abuse is life threatening … and this is brilliant to explain the experience

If they are thief or wants to talk to you about whatever they want you need to engage with them that's a key for success and failure. Those are the party of the abuse. They have so much fun beating and joking.

The least contact, the better off I am. I can pray for her - the less resentment about her verbal abuse, etc. I also pray for me, and then the awareness of Jesus's love for me reassures me that my sister's behavior doesn't have any real power over me unless I allow it to. I just do whatever I'd do anyway without all that mess. It helps me also to think, "If this person were ok, what would they want for me?" - then act accordingly.

That’s one way to discover if s/he is a narcissist: set some expectations such as reciprocity. If s/he balks, then you have a narc.

AMAZING TALK ! thank you. Ive been experiancing narcissistic abuse in my marriage for 12 years, 4 yeara ago i became aware of what was happening to me and ive studied these personalities for the last 4 years so thoroughly. This conversation describes it so well. Thank you :')

I agree! My recent love did the passive aggressive apology for hurting my feelings by saying “I am sorry you feel that way”

I’m really grateful for this dialogue between both of you! So helpful. It’s allowing me to recharge my batteries, so to speak, after a brutal week (and it’s only Tuesday) dealing with narcissists.

Kati is the best guest Dr C has ever had co-host with him❤❤❤

In team healthy our goal is to see our imperfections and be healthy about it!

I love the idea of 'wise mind/emotional mind'. Thank you Kati.

My Narc FIL - Whenever we (his son& family) took a vacation or long weekend. We would let him know we were out of town. During that time, something would happen that would result in a call or text from FIL. Often easy resolution. No need for us to be involved. We began to not notify. The result - no more calls during our time away. The bad result, not sharing our experiences.