Shame is the Narcissist’s worse enemy

Thank you, Dr. Carter. I am not a Narcissist but I can say that I have quite a huge amount of shame due to being abused as a child by Narcissistic parents and later in life, my ex-husband. I am able however to self-reflect and not pass on this legacy of shame, feeling inadequate and undeserving to my children. I pray for complete healing of my body, mind and heart. Blessings to everyone here too. 🙏🌷

That's exactly right. The narcissist has absolutely no humility. This is why they can't reflect on their bad behavior towards others. There's no remorse or empathy or caring or compassion or caring about the hurt that they cause other people. They truly are broken people. It's actually quite sad.

Core shame is the soul’s eating emotion and it is like a deadly illness which the narcisists suffer from and they want to pass it on to others. They would rather suffer than humble themselves to see the truth. Their pride and arrogance block and isolate them in their loneliness full of self-hatred and contempt for others. They are troubled souls. Thank you dr Carter.

For a Narc, shame is quickly overpowered by pride. Thank you everyone who appreciates the counseling of these videos. I would love to meet you personally and thank you for being who you are. 😊😊😊😊

We need to have a sense of right and wrong...and reasonable shame is necessary

Yes you need to have a sense of shame at certain points of time

The struggle was profound, in a way, until it was discovered that by blaming me for everything, at least some of the shame went away. Yes, I was to blame for her weight problem, her father’s tendency to pick on her, the fact that she had no college degree, that once-close friends avoided her, that the house was too much of a mess to entertain in, the list went on. And on and on. And I listened. And tried to solve each problem I had created for her.

I have more than once seen a narcissist feel deeply ashamed by some incidental thing that was not a big deal - and it was sad. I mean, the person was hurting so bad that after seeing that, I felt bad on behalf of someone who could be cold hearted. Sadly, I think the shame didn't bust their bubble. They just walled off harder.

It reminds me of a movie scene where someone says, “Do not look into the light!” They cannot look at the yucky feeling they have inside and make it better, so they certainly cannot let us see it either…at all costs.

Shame is the truth exposing them! 😢 Truth confronts .. truth separates .. and these toxic individuals are definitely shame and fear based. 😢

My ex used to say to me “anytime I have a complaint or criticize something you take it as a character assassination because you become so defensive”. I was so perplexed by this. Projection much!

Despite me being in the wrong once, I can see in watching your videos how a narcissist I deal with is constantly trying to bring up the past, deflect his deficiencies and try to keep all the focus on me. You're right in the view of self-improvement and reflection. They can't see that

Shame in an inappropriate way is ostrazization and encouraging someone to unalive themselves. Necessary warranted shame is when it causes a person to look inward and better their character. Self reflect on their personality. In a narcissist case they are looking at everyone else that is functioning and thriving in the right way and makes them question why can't i achieve this. What in my personality can i change to be like that achieve all those benefits.

Unfortunately the narcissists shame is short lived

Shame prevents narcissists from ever taking responsibility for anything. There is no sense of healthy or appropriate shame and cannot separate self from correctable behavior.

Narcissist feel shame but when you prove them wrong and that life doesn't revolve around them. They feel like they have failed they might say a bunch of negative things about you. But the proof is in the pudding and they will make those changes. Bc narcissists are chameleons. So don't mind the narcissist just keep doing your best. Your best is something a narcissist can never achieve.

This is so true, Dr. C. I had noted early in the marriage how my ex’s family (with many siblings) would always look for someone to blame for everything that went wrong. It was never about “can we do better” but always about “whose fault is it” followed by an inquisition that destroyed j the “offender”. I suspect that’s where it came from, this incessant need to never be wrong and to always “win” every conversation and especially to ultimately pin blame on someone else (especially those closest to her).

That’s why narcissistic rage is so intense and inappropriate. When they are called out for their bad behaviour, it cracks open their delusional false self of perfection for everyone to see. They believe they need to be perfect in order to be acceptable. There is no in between. It is just so shameful for them to admit to any kind of flaws; the level of shame it induces is intolerable so they rage. There is no type of anger that can compare to a guilty narcissist’s rage! It scorches and burns everyone within their vicinity.

Yup, looking at that shame and feeling it means literally facing death.

A great reminder of their driving motivations. My narcissistic friend thought he had been slighted by me so he went off one day and it was crushing because he interrupted me reminding him that the next day was my birthday. A few days later I asked him if he wanted to end the friendship and he had a complete meltdown and started screaming that I was overreacting. I kept pushing to try and have a descriptive thinking type conversation and he kept getting more and more unhinged as he kept retreating from that. The abuse happened, gaslighting happened, denial silent treatment everything. Finally I snapped and sent him a text where I bluntly said hey that day a while back, you actually demolished me on my birthday. You just utterly demolished me. His response was to delete weeks of unhinged rants and break off all contact. And then I found out about narcissistic behavior and I saw that in attempting to have an honest conversation with a friend who I thought was maybe going through depression or something like bipolar, I had basically hit his weak spot multiple times. It's been two years and sometimes I still need to refresh my memory about these kinds of materials and reframe the situation and remind myself that I didn't know what was going on with him.

My kids were outside playing and the younger got hurt. The older, who was in charge of the activity, said he felt guilty when it happened. I could see 2 paths open up at that point. 1. Let him know accidents happen and it's not his fault and I know it's hard to see the younger hurt. 2. Lay into him for what happened and make sure he knew what happened could have been prevented if he had been paying attention (which is a complete lie). When you start to learn about the toxic person's inner workings, it becomes easier to prevent passing that particular legacy to the next generation.

The caliber of fear Narcissists have towards the prospect of experiencing shame is equal to the caliber of fear the rest of us experience in an objectively life threatening situation.

"What they see in you is what they cannot come to terms with on the inside of themselves." From all your videos Dr. Carter, I think is the is THE most powerful statement.

Thank you for this video. Invasive Shame is the cornerstone of narcissistic personalities and certainly the lock of their emotional development and ability to introspect. Unable to solve their problems, and deeply disturbed by their thoughts , as you said once they try to control the exterior , to control others and project on them their bad behaviour and hurt them. The story of Cain and Abel illustrates well that story, shame came first….

This didnt show up right away and I was emotionally thinking red flags dissmissed for decades. I made it Dr C you are one of the many educated me to expert in covert narcissim did everything wrong but that word when heard described my issues ran with it its not me but imagine how many time I fell pray. Three weeks gone still watch healing techniques. Chidult 66 years old I seen all the tactics in the end and collapse of my sons mother. Seeing her stuck and unable self reflect I am healing now finally PTSD needs subside and cortisal levels too. Andy B

It seems to me that the defenses are SO effective, that indeed the shame is far away in the unconscious and the individual does not actually experience shame.

They may actually "feel" ashamed sometimes - but they quickly bounce back to their awful-old-self like a golf-ball striking a stone-wall.

Wow these sessions get better and better. This one goes to the heart of how I am feeling. My narcissist is growing worse. He has had five jobs. He keeps getting sacked as he looses his temper and shouts at people. He has shouted at me and several other neighbours, and yet he has no shame. I would be so embarrassed if I was sacked once but five times. He simply can’t get a job, and yet he has no shame. He tells people I was sacked for shouting at a child. Then he lies I didn’t do it. But he has a history of shouting at people. He does it all the time, and then he blames others. He shouted at me and now has nothing nice to say about me. I didn’t shout back I just walked away and have not spoken to him since. He is no longer in my world. I have firm boundaries and do not accept men who shout at women. That is not ok. He has no shame and insists on blaming me. The thing is now… he has a pattern and everyone sees it. Everyone knows he can’t keep a job and has a bad temper.all I can say is rock on. You are nothing but a complete failure.thank you dr c. This session is brilliant.Judy from uk

I think it is so sad that they have this shame but due to a lack of self-reflection they are unable to help themselves. I am learning that I cannot help them :( . Certainly not without hurting myself.

Thank you!!! This completely explains why I hate myself and feel so unwanted and unworthy. My narcissistic mom put her distorted thinking all on me!!!

My ex stepfather narc married a narc which I consider to be worse than him. I went no contact way before this. He has a new family in hers, whom I never met. He's probably told them that I'm a bad daughter. He's no shame. They are welcome to him 👍

That’s why they need a shit kicking doll(scapegoat) to shift the shame over to that person.

Sick how they try to kill off your happy spirit, must piss them off when they can't achieve thier goal. Stay strong!! Headphones in bop and sing keep distracted stay happy 🎉🎉🎉 PS: keep listening to Dr C.

You are such a blessing Dr Carter .. Thank you so much for being on this healing journey with me!! I really appreciate you! 🙌🕊️❤️✝️

I honestly have never seen my narc act shameful, and there are times when he should have been.

Thank you for this meaningful discussion of shame. I found the connection between shame and exaggeration to be very useful. I feel shame when I think about instances in the past in which I acted with exaggeration and directed too much energy/resources/hopes/initiative, etc. toward people and situations that were asymmetric, incompatible and, in retrospect, highly likely to result in rejection or shallowness. I have learned-and am still learning-that moderation and symmetry in relationships is very important for building deeper roots and avoiding the feeling of shame. There is a fine line that separates earnestness from exaggeration, and learning to not cross that line can also provide better protection from shame.

the worst is being forced to live in their darkness - everyday - all the time.

Shame is one reason narcissists feel not able to admit or apologize for their part! 😥 😔

I hears "shame on you" just about everyday from one of my six sister's from birth to teen. It had quite an impact on me. The one I heard it from the most has been diagnosed with BPD.

Descriptive thinking....that feels spot on. Recently a neighbor shamed me in public based on her assumptions of obviously watching me come and go. It took sometime but i realized she was projecting probably out of her own overwhelmed life. I also now recognize that I have long been inauthentic w her. I was accommodating. Looking forward to May 16 webinar. I am pleased thru descriptive thinking I cut the cord. Feels very good. Many thanks.

The shame is very short. Before I had even read their confession (thankfully mostly screenshotted) they deleted all the messages and said they had sent me some messages in error…

I do believe our mother "shamed" my half- sister as a child, due to a bone condition which left one arm and her legs slightly deformed. I think the shame set her up to shoot over the top and slam it right back to elderly mom and myself. She is also 18 years younger than I am, so I was never there to protect her, and so we never bonded as children, like my elder brother and I.

Thank you, Dr C. This could not have come at a better time. I was just subject to my neighbour’s tirade over an insignificant matter that could have been settled in a calm manner. He is unable to do that and I have had to cut all ties with him. This latest incident was proof of that. I always succeed in reasoning with him;however, the damage is done. He has won on two accounts: one, by anger escalation and two, by my needing to reason with him. I try not to react. I think he feels bad at how he overreacts but I am considering moving as I am always the one to compromise for his power trip. And a power trip underlies feelings of shame.

My younger sister & I are co-trustees with my parents estate, what a nightmare!!! All you’re saying is true. Can’t wait to be over this. It’s been 2 years & only halfway through. Thanks for your insight.

A giant "thank you" for this video. I find this a great help to answer the "why was this the way of life?" for my past partnership. I know this video (and others you've posted) will also be in my mind for any future interactions with different people. I believe it's possible for a narcistic individual to improve "the mask" they present, and I don't want to repeat what I've already been through.

I have a lot if shame over some things that I have done. My wife found out about some of them , but refused to let me forget them. Her narcissism took them all as personal attacks on her . I have acknowledged everything I did. None if it was so terrible that it should be brought up constantly. Some of it was before we ever met when I was single . I feel terrible that it brought out this in her.

Guilt is something that affects you. Shame is something you do that affects someone else.

It's bad enough being shamed, but then they persuade others that you have done the very things they did, even when you lived out the opposite. Then they all treat you with contempt and don't believe you when you say that you didn't. Let them go. If they wish you dead, they're never going to love you again.

And so sweet how Gus 🥰 is more on his blanket 🥰 today ♥️

This is gonna be good!

Shame is the lie someone once sold you and you bought it, then hide it from others. The enemy is the father of lies.

I absolutely do not believe that my narcissistic family has any shame. They have done nothing but Justify and protect each other from the abusive they have inflicted on me.

This video made things really click for me. My narc just shrank into a spoiled, confused little child. Thank you for posting this.

You would think they would use that to stop doing shameful thing, but no.....

The more I research this topic the more I realize how much online comments echo Narsisictic patterns.

As soon as a get half of the home we bought together, I'll be free. Thank God he's in another country.

I was just watching Gus the whole time! Haha! Sooooo Adorable :)

living with that shame everyday and not being able to ever 'fix' it, must be karma for the narcissist. thanks. Dr. Carter

Narc would rather burn the world down just to avoid facing her shame. Instead of my making a simple phone call and talk over our problem like an adult, she would rather influence(using her side or her story and create something from thin air) and destroy all my relation with every relatives i know to stand on her side to influence(subdue) me to submit to her. I told her, 'stop using others mouth to talk to me', while she didn't even try to use her own.

It's not just Shame that they feel intensely. It's all emotions and how they tend to over-experience all of them over what should be trivial issues. I've watched the narc in my family have a massive fit that lasted for nearly 3 weeks over something that was 'stolen' from them. The item was never stolen from them, Its true owner got tired of asking for it back and being ignored, so they came and got it themselves when the narc was not home The wild part was the reaction when he found out its true owner had taken it back months earlier. His reaction was that since the narc couldn't prove it was ever his, to begin with, and that the true owner couldn't prove it was theirs as well, that being the narc had it last and for a very long time it must have been their the whole time despite the fact everyone in the family knew full well who owned the item for years because we had all borrowed it (then properly returned it when done with it) many times.

I think shame is, unfortunately, the driving force behind a lot of our (codependence/narcissistic relationship) problems. Less shame from us and strive to be there to support and enhance the next generation. These people are not worthy of our time. Our children are depending on us!

Sweet little Gussy half on his blanket today!! Lol

Ok maybe but they still dish more than they receive.

Dating a narcissist is torture for many reasons but this is a big one. They react ridiculously to the smallest things as if you are trying to murder them if you want to talk about how to improve things in the relationship and work as a team. It's so easy to trigger their core shame. God forbid you trigger it then you will receive hell. And it never makes sense why. The ex narc lumped all his shame onto me and blamed me for everything that happened in the relationship. It was so toxic.

My husband was very tied to his mother. I now think she was as much a narcissist as he is. He was in his 30s, had a twin sister, was married to me and we had three kids, and he allowed his mother to buy his suits, shoes, shirts and even an overcoat. His sister did not get anything, nor did her or my kids unless my father in law bought them gifts. No matter what I said, my husband continued this pattern with his mother until her death. I think this behavior just fed his narcissism.

ON THE DAY I WALKED AWAY FROM MY SISTER, I HAD FELT THIS TERRIBLE SHAME WELL UP IN ME, THE WAY SHE SPOKE TO ME, I DONT KNOW WHAT IT WAS ABOUT BUT I DECIDED THATS IT IVE HAD ENOUGH; I HAVENT SEEN HER SINCE, WHEN SHE RANG ME I GAVE HER A LIST OF ABUSES , SHE GASLIT ME I DONT ANSWER HER CALLS, I HAVE NO DESIRE TO SPEAK TO HER OR BE AROUND HER EVER AGAIN; SHE IS SOMEONE I DO NOT LIKE, AND SHE IS NOT WORTHY OF WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER AS A PERSON! AUSTRALIA!

I believe there is also core work to be done by the person who is attracted to and triggered by the narcissist.

My sister would tell my narcissistic mum how her teacher was abusive. Mum turned it around to say it was my sister’s fault. Lucky I was there - my class was next door & I heard her teacher yelling & screaming. We all did- even the Principal! The teacher would put her feet up on the desk, smoke & drink coke a cola during class. She would ask an 8 yr old to walk to the shop without adults- to buy cakes & drinks. (We were warned at different times that there was a predator around). At that time, I was 9 and I was stopped by one. But I digress, so I told my mum, she is a bad teacher, it’s not her (my sister’s) fault’. But my mum always shamed my sister. My sister developed narcissistic tendencies.

Dr. Carter, I just came across your podcast a week ago and it has been like turning on a "light bulb"! Thank you, doesn't describe adequately my heartfelt gratitude for educating your viewers on this serious personality disorder and its' harmful effects on others. I look forward to discovering and learning more from you. Blessings to you, your family and Gus🕊️

My narcissist calls me stupid!

Gus loves your voice, it gives him sweet dreams. So darling!

Good Morning Doctor Cartet and thank u

Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy. Thank you so much for this video Dr. Carter. You are such a blessing as we try to live a life of peace with these impossible people. I can't tell you how hard it is sometimes but then I watch one of your videos and it helps me so much to understand what I am dealing with. There is always more to learn. Thank you so much.

The narcissist projects his unbearable core shame onto his insignificant other -you. After keenly watching you for a while interacting with others , finding out about your emotions he knows which "buttons " to push to get you upset. If he manages to get you very angry he feels superior . 1: 0 for the narcissist, in his mind that is. However you do not even know the "game" .

Thank you for teaching this! Lightbulbs are going off or “on” I should say 😂

The remarkable awareness that is born from necessity, only confirms that the purpose of any relationship a narcissist has is transferance. The sea of dark depths. In the end of capitulation there is the question....in what way was any respect shown to the giver. Common answer, none. Not even as future baiting. If your first narc has all the characteristics, it may be best. One and done. Almost 15 minutes of pure wisdom Dr. C.

I have always seen guilt as a feeling about what we have/haven't done and shame as a feeling about what we are/aren't.

Thank you truly ,day by day I'm learning what I'm dealing with.

Yesterday was one of the rare days I talked to my mom on the phone. She was talking about the economy and politics and said, “I know a lot of people have 401k retirement, but I hope and pray the stock market crashes”. I responded with, “huh?Good people will lose everything. That’s not a nice thing to wish on people”. She then says, “I pray that God helps you understand what I was trying to say”. I responded with- “I guess your words didn’t relay what you really meant. I guess it happens from time to time?” She had nothing to say after that. The said truth is- she meant what she said.

I agree, Dr. C: Yes, you should be ashamed about:: a long history of being deceptive a track record of being abusive, especially involving innocent persons, and the vulnerable strongly destructive or demeaning behavior that involves ruining or crushing others for self gain I would add: daily gas lighting or mind molesting daily interference in someone elses' life for the purpose of harming, confusing, or keeping others down to feel powerful Narcissists cannot self-analyze because it is too painful, and therefore, have an incredibly immature view of sin. They cannot evaluate that all sins are by no means equal, nor is judgement, nor do others likely struggle with the things they do (projection of their hatred, prejudices, idolatry, immaturity, jealousy, greed, compromise, vengeance, & immense shame). Their core shame defines everything they do, which they try to pass on to others, especially the vulnerable.

Dr c I have experienced the core shame you describe. He states he feels shame . I believe this is very deep within him. If you get near to that Shame then narc anger comes next and it can be explosive. Then I’m the one to blame as I got to close to the truth. We have recently split but he has had to have bowel surgery. I invited him to stay pre and post op . Mainly because the pre op was such a lot to deal with. I totally appreciated what he was going to have to deal with. After the surgery which went very well and I felt he no longer needed my assistance he absolutely exploded with anger towards me which I found devastating once again. But this time I did not have to endure as I now own our home and bought him out. I simply explained that I needed him to go back to his now new abode as I have to work and give notice for next weeks work. I was in retirement but that’s not the case now and I’m back full time working girl . His shame came into play here. It was explosive. He was ashamed that I had bought him out with my pension and ashamed that I was back to work but instead of just expressing an upset it was awful. And all the goodwill and understanding and helps during his surgery I just thought … why! And what on earth and where is this coming from! And once again the total exhausting experience of trying to fathom out what now have I done wrong 🤷‍♀️. He left angrily . I’m afraid that with all the goodwill in the world you cannot help these very absurdly confusing people and their mindset. 😔

So when it comes down to it: .... they can not reflect onto themself so they always DEFLECT onto others ? And whilst reflection is the core of growth they totally stunt their development. And this causes a never ending circle that gets worse and worse (etc.) while they get older.

“Shame is a soul eating emotion”- Carl Gustav Jung I can’t blame narcissists for running away from shame. Shaming others, especially for the harm they cause themselves, on the other hand…

Words were not enough to express my gratitude

The moment you identify someone as a narcissist is the time you need to go no contact whether they are family or not. Let them seek another source of supply.

Dr C nails it once again! Many thanks ❤

Thank you Dr.C and Gus,please take care of each other!

Any time I ask a " why" question( like why did you do this? ) his answer ALWAYS begins with well " you".......never an "I".....It s maddening ...

Shame can humble a human.

I welcomed Jesus into my life in 2003 and I felt a lot of deep shame for having sex as an unmarried teenage person , I have said No to sex and got attacked - more than once , left that abuser eventually, I waited 5 years & had non marital sex and it wasn’t pleasant, I felt that deep shame again and I’ve been alone saying no for 7 years I don’t want that shame or pain

Thank you Dr.C, Gus and TH 🤗❤️

My exes didn't know shame nor guilt, not even about cheating. I though that was weird.

They got you in an invisible competition. They’re playing a game of chess-unbeknown to you. They have a high regard for themselves-very prideful. That’s why they will not tolerate shame-they think they’re too good for it. Very deceived individuals who are busy trying to guilt, shame and deceive others.

💯 this.. “you make me feel bad about myself”. “You look down at me”. “You’re judgmental”. “Your love is conditional”. “You look down at me”. “You think you’re better than me”…. Um.. you committed work comp fraud , are lying to everyone with a straight face and haven’t put in more than $300 in 10 months for rent and food when we had an agreement before we signed the lease agreement. Even though you were working a lot of over time before committing fraud. “I will never change”. “You don’t love me for me” .. so, no.. I am none of those things, and there’s the door. I can love you from afar while you self destruct.

Again, I am amazed at the uncanny description of the narcissist who in my opinion has refined his projection to fine point to where it seems he is believing and convincing what he says, saying 10:48 "you are defective, will never be good enough" effectively creating a smokescreen to the true issue. I knew it was not true of me and he had some real problems!!! I just did not understand his odd way of being and I was caught off guard. I did not anticipate the level of pathology they carry. I am so grateful to hear this explanation and feel more empowered to not be effected from the extensive verbal assaults, put downs and discards - the conditioning, the brainwash I endured. What a relief - to hear thw wise words, the insight from caring Dr.Carter - Thank you! Let me add, I was more astounded to hear 11:33 they have no clue how to manage their own internal issues AND have no idea how to respond in a relationship except to project their shame. That is a specific oddity I would have not expected, yet fits perfectly the person I know, because he has indicated his lack of know how. I saw his lack of insight occasionally. It is so low, so little, its surprisingly absent. The rare time he seemed to be honest and show himself at that core level, his clueless admission... I then thought I might be seeing a man yet more than possible his relational development was more like 9 years old. Inside, dating a child. Its a strange realization for me.

Thanks for this message. Positive thoughts into manifesting a healthy mindset with boundaries to overcome adversity.

We talk about narcs and their shame but what about survivors of narcissistic abuse? They feel an immense shame themselves

This is spot on. Thank you

Thanks for all you do Dr. C. What have you observed about aging and terminally ill narcissists? And the guilt that one has in dealing with them? It is all grief mixed with guilt mixed with gaslighting and demands. It’s all very sad.