It's hard when you realize the man you love never existed!

They should be teaching this at the high school level. A lot of people would have been saved from a lot of heartache had such information been widely available. Clipboard in hand, all ready 😁

"Unsolicited advice equals criticism." WOW! I had to slowly repeat this to let it sink in & savor the truth of it.

Another thing about narcs: they have zero appreciation for anyone's time, effort, labor, knowledge, training, skill or talent, especially if they're paying one red cent for it. I guess that's part of their sense of entitlement.

I am a Math professor and among my lectures, I’ve been quite often talking to my students about narcissists. Once, one of my students asked me the reason I was talking to them about narcissists. Then, I said “It may not make part of the curriculum, but getting educated on this matter will make the majority of you guys not going through a lot of emotional pain. Teaching my students to grown emotionally is also one of my goals.” Nowadays, more and more students have liked these real-life talks. 🙏🏻

18 of 20. Serious trauma. I’m out after 33 years of “marriage,” thank you, Jesus.

I divorced my malignant covert narcissistic husband over 10 years ago, before I even understood what a narcissist was, but I keep coming back to your channel to hear your wisdom and reinforce the fact that I didn’t imagine the emotional abuse - it was secret, but it was real. You are so intelligent, profound and kind. I’m sure you’re helping thousands of people with this work. 🙏

Social media has brought out the narcissism in people!

“Some werewolves are hairy on the inside.” ― Stephen King

I came across this Facebook status I posted 2 years ago today and thought it might be helpful here: When you worry about how hard leaving an abuser is, think about how hard NOT leaving has been.

I believe they lack humor. At least turned inwards, they can't laugh at themselves and despise anyone else who does. You want to make an enemy of a narcissist, ignore or laugh at them.

I wish we could put their names on a billboard so people would avoid them like the plague/coronavirus.

Narcissists will show emotion when they know it while give them the upper hand or not look like the bad guy.

Real life Check-list for identifying narcissism: Intellectual/academic way: - high control - low empathy - exploitative - manipulative - need to be superior - sense of entitlement (Very self absorbed way of living) How does narcissism play out at home, or at work (so you can identify it): (20 different ingredients) 1. Their public self and private self do not match (can be phony, may be charming, but are really difficult privately) 2. Their loyalty towards you is superficial at best (you are utile. When you seize fulfilling the function (supply) you are out the door) 3. Can not admit mistakes and keep repeating them (they blame and shift focus to other individuals) 4. Lots of unsolicited advice (=criticism). They observe and let you know what you did wrong. 5. Introspective thinking is virtually unexisting (they live with a mask on. For them to be introspective they would need to be honest about their fears, insecurities, and hurts that they experienced.) 6. Make comments about reminding you about your obligations (agenda). Want to fit you to that agenda, by saying "you should" , " you must" etc.. 7. Strong inclination to other people. They categorize people (race, gender, lifestyle). They go for similar people (??!). They don't bother learning from other people, that would make them feel less special. 8. Nursing idealized fantasies (about material things. even if they can not afford them. They don't want to be considered ordinary. ) They want to be with beautiful people, and want people to admire/adore them. 9. They can be attracted to people/themes/activities that exude power/authority (they like to get to the top of the organisation. Run over people) 10. Emotional vulnerability is awkward at best (that is for emotional weaklings. They need to give the appearance of being in control, and to be on top of everything) 11. Willing to lie & omit essential facts (life is a competition. Don't have a sense of honesty, openness, trustworthiness. They want to win over you. The truth is what they need it to be today.) 12. Often use veiled threats (better think twice what you say. Try me.) 13. Extreme in the way they manage money (either tight/dictatorial or very loose/self indulgent. Money to them is power and self indulgence). 14. If you confront them you will be met with irrational madness (How dare you! Openly or passive agressive) 15. Persistently dismissive of other people"s feelings (it's all black or white. Emotions don't fit into BW slots. They don't try to understand) 16. They like to steal affirmations from other people (they want to be the center of attention, so they take the credit for the success). 17. They exude a chronic undertone of annoyance and frustration (You feel like walking on eggshells) 18. They have many double standards (what matters to you does not apply to them. E.g. lying, angry, screaming, wasteful) 19. Have a poor comprehension of love (it equals conformity, you can admire them. They can not give patience, tollerance, acceptance. ) 20. Have little to no appreciation for your boundaries. BOUNDARIES = having a definition of who you are , and stay inside your definition. They will try to define you, and blur those boundaries. If they have 10+ of these features, bad sign. If 15+: very toxic relationship, it will not work well at all. 1. Make sure, if you notice these ingredients in someone, to be ready to examine them in yourself as well. And to make sure they are not predominant. 2. Know what it means that someone has these traits (see above)

So essentially, first the narcissist conforms to you in the lovebombing stage. Then once they’ve hooked you, they expect you to conform to them thereafter. That feels like an important revelation. Thank you once again, Dr C.

I didn't even know what a narcissist was until I was 6 months into a relationship with one. I knew he was broken and thought I could fix him. I thought if I demonstrated my love then he would make me happy. He gave me nothing and took everything. I have recently left the situation and I'm committed to turning my pain into power.

Mood swings. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. Says one thing, does another. Always carries a sense of infulfillement. Victimises oneself. Demands things. Unappreciative. Everyone in their past was always at fault, exes, employers, friends. Starts verbally and emotionally abusing you. *LEAVE*

I had to watch this twice. The one I'm dealing with fits all 20.

It hurts to see how desperately they have to be viewed as all good. I know a narcissist and I truly feel bad for how awful their emotional life really is. All the facade is very obvious to me thanks to you Dr. C. It is really so very sad that this person will never really know true unconditional love and happiness.

18! He checked off 18, and I was being very cautious and generous. My divorce was final two weeks ago. I still find myself wanting reassurance that it was as bad as my heart, body, mind and soul remembers it. I would NEVER go back, but it helps to be reminded that the trauma, confusion, and craziness was real, legitimate and absolutely not my fault. What would have humbled most people (divorce, supervised visits, court ordered steps, etc...) has only emboldened him. All it takes is a short run in with him to see the egotism, entitlement and pride still going strong. It is actually quite sad and I am so glad I am finally free.

After 16 months of marriage I discovered she was a narc +19 of these symptoms listed, I set some boundaries with her, she blamed me for everything and told me I had 4 days to get out of her house, I did it in 2, dodged a bullet, thank you God.

I’m learning at 50 that I lived all my life in narcissistic relationships. Well, better later than never. I realize now that I have to realize first why I’m attracted towards narcissistic people and try to heal that before anything else !!!

1. 2:02 Public self and private self do not match 2. Loyalty is superficial at best 3. Narcs cannot admit mistakes (and repeat mistakes over and over) 4. Lots of unsolicited advice 5. 3:36 They don’t think introspectively (to become better people) 6. Make comments to remind you of your obligations 7. Strong inclination to ‘other’ people 8. They nurse idealised fantasies 9. Attracted to people/themes/activities that exude power 10. 6:23 Emotional vulnerability is awkward (at best) 11. Quite willing to lie or omit facts 12. Often use veiled threats 13. Extreme in the management of money ( be it over or under spending) 14. Confrontations met with irrational anger. ‘How dare you’ mentality 15. 8:45 Persistently dismissive of others feelings 16. Steal affirmations from other people 17. They exude a chronic sense of frustration and annoyance - you walk oneggshells around them, awaiting their blowup 18. Many double standards. What is required of you is NOT required of them 19. Very poor comprehension of love. They think love is conformity - ie you should do what they want as they know best 20. Little to no appreciation for your boundaries. They try to define who you are. 11:49 Thoughts Link to checklist: survivingnarcissism.tv/the-narcissist-checklist/

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and after 17 or so years of being told that I was defective and keeping him on a pedestal I finally figured out he was a narc. I’m still in shock. I’m still with him and he has all 20 of these traits. Woe is me...Thanks to you I am surviving through this. Every time he yells I separate and watch your videos. They are very soothing and keep me sane. Thank you dearly, doctor.

I love how Dr Carter has all the accurate info on Narcs but his main focus is on the victim and what they can do to make their situations and life better. After 13 years of living with a narc, I followed his advice and in 3 weeks I was discarded. I was devastated at first but after a month, I am glad it happened and I am glad I am finally the type of person that a Narc will forever stay away from. I am me, I am free.

I was able to check off all 20. I'm so trapped. I can feel anymore. I couldnt even cry at my grandmother's funeral. I don't know who I am anymore :( Thank you! This was the most clear description I've listened to so far.

I didn't know you could have a hormone imbalance due to stress, perhaps this is why I have developed hypothyroidism out of the blue at age 48.

Make sure when you watch this type of stuff you're thinking of yourself first

“That’s how you know you’re a somebody, when you can run over people “ 😆! Very humorous description of the narc. They’re like children on a playground, or the bully who shoves down others they consider weaker, or inferior.. Or those of whom they are envious of & threatened by... Real show of strength indeed.. It’s been said, “Strong volume, doesn’t compensate for a weak argument... Thank you doctor..

I swear the narc I'm involved with has read a how to book on how to be a narcissist and was like...wow this looks fun I'm going to act like that. Then does every single thing to the T! It's strange.

"Invalidating", could could be construed to have "neutral"-implications, but the narcissist is into "de-valuing" your opinions -- thus, "de-validating" the empath .

Both my parents are narcissists. Married a narcissist at age 19, left him after three years. Have gone almost completely no-contact with all of them, so much happier. 😊 Edit: (1/23/2023) I've been completely no contact with my family since December 2021 (except for 3 messages that managed to slip through). Other than that, my life, mental health, and self-confidence has improved exponentially. 10/10 would recommend.

It has taken me many years of heart break to realise my mother is a narcissist. I have at 60 years old finally cut all contact and I couldn’t be happier. She is still terrorising my siblings . Karen R

My child’s father displays all of these. 20/20. I left that relationship a year ago and I’m still deeply traumatised. These videos help me so much with understanding the confusion of it all... No one really understands narcassistic abuse until they’ve been through it. Completely soul destroying

Only today after 2.5 years did I tell him I'll no longer take any blame for things he did. He kept trying and I said NO not my problem anymore. He wasn't happy!

If you enter a room full of people and you can't breathe, you know it's filled with the presence of a narcissist.

I finally came to terms with the fact that we were groomed from childhood by a dysfunctional parent to be pulled into the orbit of these narcissists. We are easy prey. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be susceptible to their manipulations. That’s why being married to one is so difficult. We get the go along to get along mantra. I took it for 20 years, the whole thing blew up in my face. Left and then was sucked (literally) into another abusive manipulative relationship. I’m finally figuring out how to say no and draw the line in the sand. What is comes down to is your sanity or letting the narcissists have their way. Better late than never.

"Money to them represents power". My partner would often say how he could never have enough money. When asked by me, "Why?", he would respond, "Because money buys everything, including people. With money, I can control my world".

Pretty sure my narc is telling himself that I'M the narcissist.

Never asking how YOU feel today. Never saying thank you for all the things you do for them. Never saying I'm sorry. Never stop thinking and talking about THEMSELVES for one moment.

I Have So Many Narcissists Are Very Rude Ppl Very High Need For Control. Low Levels Of Empathy They Always Have To Have The Upper Hand.There Favorite Punishment Is The Silent Treatment The Abuse Never Ends..

They keep making mistakes and when you say something they reply with "I can never do anything right".

I once returned home from the grocery store without the cash register tape. (He liked to categorize the purchases, and wanted to be certain I didn't buy something just for myself.) He demanded that I return to the shopping center to look for it. I said I wasn't going to do that, and he responded "You will, or you'll be very sorry." This exchange took place about a month before I was going to leave and file for divorce, so I was a little bolder than usual, and said, "M don't threaten me." He moved in closer and said, "I am threatening you. You need to be very aware that I am threatening you." I said, "What are you going to do, M?" He responded, "You'll find out soon enough." No, no I won't. I'm done finding out. In fact, I'm done. (Of course I didn't say that last part. I'm not that stupid.)

And I would add that they gain power by ignoring/shunning their victims whenever they feel they want to make a point, I guess.

It gets tricky with coverts. Very tricky, especially with the cerebral, successful ones. Observe more and most importantly listen to your gut. Thanks, Dr. C. Once again, great pointers!

My gut started to feel discomfort when I am near a narcissist. In my work, I have around 7 narcissists. Thanks god I don't work with them everyday. When I do, there's gaslighting, manipulation, projection. I watch these videos to see the reality

I'm dealing with a narcissist. She tried turning all my friends against me, she plays the victim card Alot and never takes responsibility for her actions. She lies to my friends about the things I've said. Twisted my words. She makes up this fantasy that I threaten her because I have my own opinions

I’m going through a slow separation right now. It’s taken two years to get my ExCN to sign the separation agreement. For the longest time he was refusing to acknowledge and negotiate terms. He still keeps trying to have a relationship with me even though I have a new lease signing, etc. I find it very helpful to watch KZfaq videos by Dr. Carter, Dr Ramani, Meredith Miller (Inner Integration), Shahida Arabhi, Ross Rosenberg and Lisa Romano. I think when we’re dealing with a situation or person who is chronically invalidating toward us, it helps to listen to ‘the voices of reason’. People who have no vested interest, who can clearly outline and articulate ‘reality’.

A check list for covert narcissist is important too. Because we all need someone to tell us what we want.

Well, that's 20 out 20 for my ex. Glad I'm finally divorced from her. Still watching these kinds of vids though to remind me and keep an eye out for red flags from people I associate myself with.

Unsolicited advice can be helpful actually: The more I get, the more I know I'm doing well!

Your talk literally took my breath away - my parents and sister were all narcissists and I thought they were crazy!

Yep! (The 2 most narcissistic people in my life are quick to ACT vulnerable with their wailing and fake tears of manipulation.)

I could watch Gus sleep all day....he’s definitely got a handle on how to relax. Wish these videos were available when I was a teenager. It would have saved me a lot of heartache! Another great video. Thank you!

Found your channel tonight. Wow! In one video you just cleared up a big question I had about my ex-husband. I never really thought of him as a narcissist before, but he was 20 out of 20 on your list! I’m a nice, upbeat, positive person. I dated this man for a year that treated me well, and claimed to love me and we got along great. The very day we got married, he turned into a very mean, controlling, name calling man, saying he deserved someone better than me, that I was so ugly and disgusting he refused to ever kiss me after the “you can kiss the bride”. I was not able to understand the dramatic 180 in personality. Over the years I realized the day we married, I met the real man. Initially I tried so hard to please him (which was impossible) to get back the guy I day

I'm wondering at what place I've been for 55 years. Was i under unaesthetic, was it antibiosis... My eyes are opened finally, thanks to you Dr Carter, finally I'm becoming myself, the person who can smile, joke, the person people are happy to socialize with and have around. Thank you!

I am an empath that has been married to a covert narcissist for over 15 years... I feel like I demonstrate some of these traits because I'm sick of the psychological and emotional abuse. I am currently struggling with depression which I mask to the best of my ability. I have a great deal of anger and resentment at every moment of every day...😤😫😡🤯🤔 I feel like it's eating me alive.

severe mood swings, sudden anger, always have to walk on eggshells. He was put in a pedestal when he was younger and could do no wrong. I don't know where all the anger comes from.

Took me a year to heal after being involved with a narcissist. Wondering what I did wrong but now I feel so free! I realized the problem was not me at all. Now I will know better for next time❤️

This is the most comprehensive, clear definition of what a narcissist is that I have ever seen anywhere. Thank you for this absolutely amazing video!

Cutting all narcs out - The moment their faces turn lopsided, I cut!

I dreamed a dream in times gone by, when hope was high and life worth living......

Oh my word!! I have followed your work and teaching for the past 2 years and this video couldn’t be more timely. I was in a seven year marriage but I’m out and free, though I love and care for my son as a father should. This person had all 20 and more. I’ll tell my story some day. You’ve been such a blessing.❤️❤️🙏🏿🙏🏿🔥🔥

Working for one as their nanny is the most difficult. I have seen so many sides to them. I served a purpose in their life . Very exhausting in making things work in a positive way. It's a struggle to keep children on a routine and set boundaries and trust with them. And I can tell when the parents are lying but the child doesn't know this. So discouraging.

It's time to take care of yourself and your loved ones. It's not like anything else on Earth my friend God bless

This is so absolutely on point, it's astonishing. The problem I have though, is that I would never have understood what you are talking about if I wouldn't have experienced this myself.

My narcissistic father added physical abuse to the mix. We were all so afraid of him that when he walked towards us, we would wet our pants. Now that we are adults, he has the verbal abuse to fall back on. The really sad thing is that as a narcissist, he thinks that he has never been wrong in his actions or beliefs. He’s 86 years old now and if confronted with anything, he either denies it or thinks that what he did was for our own good.

As Dr. Carter said at the beginning--"Knowledge is power". It's our ONLY power!!! Keep listening! Keep learning! It's truly our only hope!

Oh my! My mom has every one of those characteristics. So sad.

OUTstanding as usual, Dr. C! Described to a "t" the Narcissists I've had the "pleasure" of knowing (the best part was "KNOWING" they were out of my life -- for GOOD!). Lol

My mother has every sign listed in this video. It’s been two days since she cut me off. I feel lost and broken, but I see hope that my life will improve.

#3. Is the absolute epitome of my current bf along with many other bullet points that drives me crazy. He cannot admit any of his mistakes even when he’s caught in a bold face red handed lie. Our relationship is toxic and we are definitely unequally yolked. Very close to walking away from this toxic relationship.

My ex hit almost every point. Not exaggerating. I'm pretty sure I've seen most of those signs emerge at various press conferences around the world, too.

#4- So true..My ex narc husband would call me into the room to show me/tell me what I did wrong...it had to be "his" way...

This is so scary... And I did not put it together. ‘walking on eggshells ‘ made me cry... finally somebody explained that to me. From the bottom of my heart thank you . You brought hope to my life.

1. Different in public and private 2. Not loyal to you but demand your loyalty 3. Don’t accept responsibility 4. Unsolicited advice = criticism 5. No introspection at who they are 6. Pushy with their agenda and demands 7. Categorize people, don’t bother with diversity 8. They have idiolized fantasies of power, connections, etc. 9. They want to be associated with the powerful and the authority and run over people 10. No emotional vulnerability, put up a tough facade 11. Lie or leave out essential facts/information 12. Used veiled threats and other threats 13. They can be extreme in managing money - tight with other and indulgent with themselves 14. If you disagree with them they get angry and outraged 15. Dismissive of others - black and white thinking 16. Stealing credit and limelight from others 17. They perpetually suck life out of you - you find yourself walking on egg shells 18. Double standards 19. Poor comprehension of love which means not a lot of patience/understanding 20. They don’t respect your boundaries- you’re not allowed to have boundaries with them because they want to define who you are and what you do.

I worked and lived with a woman like this. Unbelievable I got out as fast as I realized what was going on. It did take me time time to wrap my head around it but I am great now. I am lucky that I can see this behaviour fast and make a move. Their are so many of these type humans out there. 🤦‍♀️

2:37 “Utile” I just learned a new word!

18 out of 20. And, after 20 years, now I’m traumatized.

Watching self help videos from professionals’ checklist and u check 90-100% all of it… it creeps me out and sends shiver down my spine!

I now understand my confusion and frustrations all these years with a narcissist but it's still so scary knowing there are so many out there causing havoc in others lives. Others who are caring, loving, trusting and loyal to a fault. I put a tick to all 20! I am so glad I'm getting out at last!

"I'm on team healthy..." I like that. 😊

I have learned to see that the guy I am dating drives me crazy because he exhibits many of these behaviors. Time to set myself free.

My mother used to play the organ in church and she'd sometimes invite the vicar back for Sunday lunch which I'd have spent all morning preparing. I recall one time the vicars wife saying how delicious it was and I proudly said that I'd prepared it. My mother chipped in with "you only started it off"! She snatched the compliment right back. I was 15 and never forgotten it. She could never stand for me to have any compliment even off my own father.

17 of them..... Time to do some re-evaluating. Thank you, Dr.C. I'm in the love bombing once again. This has got to stop.

I’m on “Team Healthy” all the way! Thank you for your time, effort, and concern Dr. C. You have no idea how much you’ve help free me from self blame, and sadness due to dealing with this very difficult situation. THANK YOU 🙏🏽

I wish I had met you fifteen years ago as I have been in a relationship with a narcissist all this time wondering what was wrong with me and because of your work and these videos I have a Exit Plan I will be leaving in two weeks to start a new and healthy life I am no longer tethered to his emotions thank you

First, I knew the story of Narcissis from school, but had never heard the actual word applied to a person until my therapist called my ex husband one during my horrific 4 1/2 year divorce. He totally cut me off financially and I asked my therapist why he was doing this to me after 45 years of marriage. His answer was " he's a Narcissist! It's not to you but for him! " I remember asking my ex what he thought love was or what it meant to him. Immediately he answered me with a question. " What does it mean to you?" My response was when you care so much for someone, say your kids, that you are willing to give your life to save theirs without even thinking about it ". His response to that was " Well, I guess that I have never really loved anyone then." I didn't know if he were just being cute and smart a$$ with his answer or if he truly meant it. When I realized from his expression that he truly meant it, at least for me, but probably not for our kids I hoped,

Very very accurate!😭 My mother and her family of origin have all 20

Selfishness. Such utter selfishness

This video is making me feel perfectly happy with the decision not to even bother trying to figure out whether someone is a narcissist . Just stay away from all people and admit no new people to my close personal circle. Sadly, most of these 20 issues require having enough experiences and spending time with them- which means risking personal peace by exposing yourself to an a hole. The damage that even THAT can cause is not worth it. Sadly, there are SO MANY narcissists in the world right now.

I am so grateful one of your videos popped up in my youtube suggestions. I am now binge watching them. I have been married to a narcissist for 27 years. He is 18 for 20. All this time I thought it was me. The shame and loneliness I have felt is something I don't wish on anyone. He is an expert on lying and denying and shaming and withholding physical touch. I started calling out his lies so now his favorite thing to call me is a liar. I am planning my escape. He will be very ugly when I leave but he's ugly now so what's the difference.

Bullseye 🎯 everything you said is exactly who he is. I’m so glad I’m getting out of this nightmare.

Thank you so much for these videos. They are a constant reminder that leaving a 36 year marriage was the right choice. It helps to hear as I don't get this confirmation anywhere else. After all, Mr Charming has everyone else hoodwinked on what a great guy he is. You guys are a great blessing.

My husband have 19!!! :-O But I saw them first AFTER marriage.. We got very quickly married...

They also always side with the winning horse when they are involved with other people and once that person is no longer the winning horse they will shift sides on a dime.

A lot of this is what I am dealing with.

Thank you Dr. Carter! Its now getting easier to detect. One thing comes to mind too: They don't care for your achievements. Their talk circles around theirs. (Maybe this was included) Bless you !

As a recovering narcissist, I can fully admit that everything that you say in your videos is completely true. It goes very deep and it really reveals what we, the narcissist himself, go through in our daily life, and the damages that we cause people around us and ourselves on the way, by acting like this and feeling like this. So great job on the explanations and keep them coming they are very helpful for that introspection that is a hard thing to do but very necessary.

I know someone who's a clinical psychoneurologist and she's a narcissist. She gives advice to empaths like me to make us feel like we're the wrong ones, the crazy ones. She has all the symptoms and she's ruthless in a hurting way, not objective or helpful. She used to be a good person but changed a lot after getting all her degrees and being so respected in that field. I wonder if her colleagues know who she really is.