A child who's being mentally abused by their parent, doesn't stop loving their parent. The child stops loving themselves.

My partner/Fiancé of 23 years was absolutely a Covert Narsissist. After he passed last year his daughter said to me and I quote, “Didn’t you know that my dad was a Covert Narsissist”? The next thing his daughter said to me was, “Your finally free”. She was the true catalyst for my research and ultimate healing. I helped raise her from 10 years old and she helped raise me out of my pain.

"Manipulation through victimhood". That sums it up PERFECTLY.

I think the thing that saved me from my narcissistic parent were my siblings. Every time she would undermine us or victimize herself we would look at each other knowingly and talk amongst ourselves about how it’s not normal or healthy

This is what I have finally concluded over a very long period of time: if you feel extremely confused around someone and are continuously questioning what is going on with them, there is a good chance there is a fairly high level of narcissism going on, and even if there isn’t, this is not a person you want to be spending a lot of time around and the sooner you can exit the scene the better. In other words: for the sake of your own sanity, don’t overthink it - whatever it is, it isn’t healthy 🙃

From having a covert best friend I found her top 5 signs were 1. Victim mentality 2. Constantly put others down 3. Always tried to dominate others to feel secure 4. Moody 99% of the time 5. Didn’t seem to have an adult understanding of empathy, love, morals I’ll give you another 5 for free 6. Was very paranoid would ask questions in multiple ways to see if I gave same answer 7 jealous of other friendships 8. Materialistic 9. Poor relationship with family 10. She would twist my words and try to convince me the false reality was real

They are boring, and difficult to get along with and often test and test to make sure you will stay.

They are professional victims. I got tricked and trapped by a covert demon. I hate being an empath…HATE IT!!

I was married to a covert narcissist and I can’t express how damaging this can be for the other spouse. It took years to be able to reconcile how others saw him and how it was in our home. My only suggestion is once you realize what is really happening to you and your children is to get out as quickly as you can. Others will think you’re crazy, as he seems like such a great person, but you know the truth.

Sometimes when you think you've been a victim of covert narcissism, and you are now scarred, BPD, CPTSD, and suffering as an adult, you may also be exhibiting these covert narcissistic traits. I think its important to be really honest when listening to these videos, and notice if you recognize any of these tactics or experiences in yourself.

This is definitely my ex. Being with him was exhausting - hypersensitivity, paranoia, anger, grandiosity, with so much judgment, a sense of victimhood, etc.

When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..

It was never my enemies I had to watch out for, it was the ones screaming... I LOVE YOU!

I had to stop listening a few times and come back to this- it was like reliving the last 7 years with my abusive narc. I can count at least 5 times he drove me to a dark, nearly suicidal place in my mind, but I couldn't leave my daughter to suffer in his clutches. I got damn lucky when he flipped out in one of his tantrums it was witnessed by the landlord and a neighbor, and he was brought in by the police on a 72 hour psych hold. I took my daughter, ran, and never looked back.

This was my mother. She tried to talk my sister out of being a nurse. She always told us we could never accomplish anything. She tried to take credit for anything we did. This video brings back so many memories of childhood.

I remember as a little boy I told someone I needed my guilt in order to survive...they didn't understand. 40 years later I do. Life is beautiful, and we can't compare ourselves to normal people who didn't have a corner narc parent. I'm not on drugs, I'm not homeless, and I instead took the long path of healing...I'm doing ok, and grateful for every day of life. Stay real!

Denial. Projection. Blame-shifting. Gaslighting. Double Bind. Double standards.

Great material 😊 what I've learnt for the last couple of years I've been working on myself is : 1) not to fall for love bombing, too hot too soon, 2) not to fall for someone who "needs"me, not to be a rescuer for anyone (apart from children and animals), not to put your energy into someone's life and neglect yours.

This is my most recent ex. He was extremely critical of everything I said and did. I walked on eggshells to please this man, but nothing I did made him happy. The moment I expressed dissatisfaction with him or something that he said or did, he became full of rage. I would never address issues just for the sake of keeping the peace. We dated for 8 months and he only met my friends once. He acted exactly as described in this video. He sat in the corner and appeared very unhappy and contemptuous. Throughout our relationship I found myself constantly apologizing for things that he did, just to keep the peace. He discarded me weeks ago because I refused to apologize after I expressed dissatisfaction about his behavior. He told me that was the final straw. I genuinely care for him and it hurts to be thrown away by someone that I have bent over backwards to make happy. I am hurting right now, but deep in my heart I know that this is the best thing that could have happened to me.

There needs to be way more awareness about COVERT Narcs. I was lost and confused until I discovered Dr Ramani's videos on this!

"They're never satisfied with anything"... 🎯🎯🎯🎯 I feel exhausted just thinking about it.

Covert narcissists love to go on endlessly about what victims they are.

Looking back at my 20s I see myself doing this. I am not making excuses but it was instilled within me from my mother “you have a degree. You know it. You shouldn’t have to go to the next state to take classes for continuing education because you know it all” I believed that. I was angry at everyone else. It wasn’t until I was 30 that I realized I held myself back from growing and being where I wanted because of my narcissistic attitude. Now that I’m trying to heal from that I’m trying to deal with my mother who is my professor in Narcissist 101 and advanced Narcissism

Cant believe i was dealing with covert narcissist all this time, while i almost questioned my sanity

A few years ago I left a relationship with a covert narcissist. I see now he checks all the boxes, all of them, 😱 but I didn’t realised it back then. The moment during the breakup I got really empowered and brushed away all my doubts about leaving was when he wrote me a letter. Ironically, he was hoping this letter would make me change my mind. In this letter he talked only about himself and the pain he was in and how much joy I brought into his life. But the thing that really grabbed my attention, the thing that put me over the edge, was that there was not one line about me in that letter. Not one line of compassion, empathy or love. I was an object, a puzzle piece. There wasn’t any ownership of the abuse and degradation I suffered while with him, not a breath of apology, not a hint of willingness to work on himself, nothing. I was nothing to him and my feelings didn’t matter. I took my stuff and left. Best decision I ever made.

Not everyone with narcissistic defenses is a pathological narcissist… many of us who are the VICTIMS of pathological narcissism adopt their defenses to SURVIVE. Its extremely common to bring these tools into the relationships we have after without consciously knowing that is what we are doing. If all you’ve ever known is crappy relational dynamics, you will mirror that. We must ALL learn to be honest with ourselves.

You just described my mother 😢. Thank you for your videos. I used to feel so guilty until I realized she is the problem. I have been suspicious for quite a lot but one time we were eating and she and my brother were bullying me until I bursted into tears; and then I saw it, the smirk the satisfaction in her face and I knew she was actually enjoying my tears

In school my teachers recognized my writing skills,and gave me compliments. My mom told me don’t listen to them. They didn’t know what they were talking about and they were only trying to be nice. I believed my mom. Listening to you this becomes so crystal. This makes me wanna cry.

"All that child wants is their parents' pride." That hit so hard. I'm 34 years old and you'd think that I'd be over that by now, but no...still hurts just the same.

I think Passive aggression is the biggest red flag of all. This one trait is enough to walk away as soon as you pick this up. People who are passive aggressive are deeply disturbed and the passive aggression is just the tip of the ice berg, whats going on beneath the surface is far more deep and dark. Do yourself a favor if someone you know or are in a relationship with starts to be passive aggressive with you, walk away, you cant argue or please someone like this, they will always be trying to covertly attack you. Its madness really, I mean its much easier to get along and be friendly, but people who are passive aggressive seem to want to destroy others and themselves.

I would say the first sign will come from your own gut feeling which will send signal to your body telling you that this person doesn't make you feel comfortable being around him/her. The fact that you are already asking this question should alert you to be careful. Something will feel off and you won't know what it is exactly. Covert narcissists can act very charming in the beginning but there will be often also present underlying sense of superiority about them. That sense is actually deriving from them feeling insecure about themselves, so they tend to quietly degrade others in order to feel better about themselves. On the other hand if covert narcissist feels that you are above his league, he will act like your servant, trying to please you - almost annoying in a way. But make no mistake. If you decide to stay in a relationship with him, he will downgrade you and abuse you like all the others. Because in his mind, if you love him, he thinks you are unworthy of him. Covert narcissists hate themselves so if someone loves them, than they think this person is worth less than them and that they can do better. Other sign to look for is any kind of judgment towards others. If he criticises other frequently, he will more likely criticise you as well once he gets more comfortable around you. Pay attention to how he treats people that are dependent on him as well. Narcissists hate those especially if they can't get anything of of that for themselves. Moreover, Cheating in marriages is not restricted to only men. Women cheat as much as men do. If you're suspecting your wife of infidelity, you'll have to keep an eye on her of her without her knowledge of her. One of the best ways to know if your spouse cheats on social platforms is by paying close attention to how your spouse behaves while online. The signs are pretty the same. Is your spouse more time on the app without explanation and gets unnecessarily defensive when you ask about it? If your spouse behavior has changed lately, and continues to spend more time on social apps, it's time for you to take action, with the help of a private investigator (suggested; METASPYHUB@GMAIL. COM , you can find out what is taking all their time on social apps, who they are talking to and other things happening,,

My college graduation clarifies this so well "you think you're so great and so much better than everyone in this family because you graduated college". I just never felt that way. I always felt timid about my accomplishments because I knew my mother felt bad when I did well. It's a very confusing way to grow up. Thank goodness I learned to treat others better but it did take trial and error in my 20s because I just didn't have the skills.

I was 47 before I understood what my upbringing was all about. I am healing myself but I mourn the loss of all the decades I missed. It's never too late though ⭐

For those folks who think that they might be a covert narc, I think the main distinction between this and all the other things is that the narc finds ways of deliberately hurting people.

It took me 15 yrs to finally realize and accept that my own mother is a covert and violent narcissist. I honestly believed what was happening was normal and that everyone’s mom emotionally and verbally abuse them. She definitely made it impossible to have any friends because of her fits of rage and screaming matches with my dad. Or it was the guilt tripping. You care more about your friends than your own family. You don’t love me because you won’t spend all of your free time with me. She (and my step father) made her emotional well being my responsibility. This started at age 12 mind you. And she never spared any details. Good old emotional incest. I knew every detail of her divorce to my dad and even about my step fathers penis. She loved to shock me with blurting out how she gave him head in the shower. It sometimes felt like in the most twisted way that she was trying to make me jealous?🤮 She loved to make her misfortunes my problem. It’s my fault that she fell in the shower and injured her back. I’m always the root cause of her suffering. NEVER try to criticize or hold her accountable because she will fly into a violent rage. Nothing was ever her fault. Poor her for being dealt those cards. The most hurtful part - is when they withhold affection or attention as punishment. Because no apology in any form was ever adequate. The scariest part is when just the sound of you breathing incites verbal and sometimes physical abuse.

After escaping at 12 to fostercare. I'm so sad because to know they truly wanted to kill me. I was so very traumatized and trauma bonded. I saw all the boys die in our family at the hands of their mother from my bloodline. I respect you and it took me awhile to tell you the truth of what I've dealt with for years. I've been following you for months now. I'm scared of them. Please know you are so important for our society to survive. Please keep doing what your doing, you deserve a Nobel Award. I'm still surviving.

Covert narcissists are different with different people. May be self confident around some, and sad, clingy, pathetic around others. Depends on who they are with in that moment. This can also change based on what's going on in their life. One day they're mean to you and cold, the next, they're being needy and throwing guilt trips your way.

Victims of Narcissistic Abuse, here are some Affirmations you can conduct! 1. I am worthy of love and respect, and I will no longer accept anything less. 2. I am not responsible for the narcissistic behavior of others. 3. I trust myself and my own judgment, and I know what is best for me. 4. I am strong, resilient, and capable of healing from this experience. 5. I release any feelings of shame, guilt, or self-doubt that may be holding me back. 6. I forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made and trust that I will learn from them. 7. I am worthy of a happy and healthy life, free from abuse. 8. I surround myself with positive, supportive people who uplift and encourage me. 9. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned and the growth that has come from this experience. 10. I am healing every day, and I trust that I will come out of this experience stronger and more resilient than ever before.

My coworker is a covert narcissist and it's gotten to the point where I almost left the company because of their gaslighting & constant attacks at my character. They constantly seem to be hurting because of something I've done, and it took a year+ for me to realize what was happening & step back. This stuff messes you up.

Thank you. Dr. Ramani. As an adult child of a covert narcissist, I hesitate to even talk about the abuse, because of my mother's identification with her victimhood. And, her flying monkey entourage is strong. And, in my adult life, I have continued to attract (and be attracted to) this type of abuser. The trick is that this type of narcissist presents themselves as a victim of abuse, or as a misunderstood person who "just needs a chance". It is easy to open up to them, because they show vulnerability. It is only through time that you can see how negative and dark this person can be- impossible to please. When I stand up for myself, there is both narcissistic rage and genuine tears, with guilt. Plus, this behavior triggers my anger (ptsd), and the narcissist accuses me of being the abuser. I appreciate these posts, because they not only validate my experience; but, they also provide solutions. Thanks for your valuable work!

Take care of yourselves people. Watch out for Scammers and Trolls in the comments. Please don't contact these people if they reply to your comments. Instead report them using the three dots to the right-hand side of their reply comments.

When Dr. Ramani mentioned about the covert narcissist bringing up their vulnerabilities and then you also bring up yours as a way of making a connection and the narc then throws yours back in your face is exactly how part of my story played out. I remember at the time thinking "WTF? What did I do to deserve that?" It didn't make any sense back then and still doesn't now. Thankfully I got out of there and haven't looked back since.

KZfaq seems to be the heaven for any of us affected by Narcissism! ❤❤❤

They make the victims feel sorry for them! Narcissists don’t even know they are doing it!!

I've only recently realised that my mother and oldest sister are covert narcs. A whole lifetime of emotional and psychological abuse suddenly makes so much sense. As one example: at my graduation, my mother asked if she could wear my cap and gown in the family photos, to show that she had "graduated from the university of life." I laughed it off, thinking she couldn't possibly be serious. She spent the next hour telling my friends' parents that I must be so disappointed that I wasn't the top of the class, that I "only" got my second choice job blah blah blah. I was devastated and so embarrassed. My sister decided not to come to my wedding. That would have been fine, but she then sent abusive text messages to myself and our other siblings in the days before and on the day of my wedding. Just couldn't stand that we were having a great time without her. Needless to say, no contact with sister and grey rock with mother now in force and life is so much better.

“Empaths in particular can be vulnerable to covert narcissists “ 🤯 I’ve been working through ending a friendship with someone and always questioning my thoughts and actions. This statement hits home to me, and your videos have helped me to realize what I’ve been experiencing for 20 years.

I stopped Rescuing and within one year we were done. The gift was the guilt lifted when I was told he had betrayed us and lied for years about it - this freed me. I have never looked back - my freedom from his rage and fear and pain and self inflicted victimhood is a joy to be away from I love every second of my new drama free life!

Dr. Ramani, you have no idea how much you are helping me. You are nothing short of a miracle and quite frankly, God sent! Thank you, Dr. Ramani, Thank you God! ♥️🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿

You could not be more spot on describing my mother and my husband, both classic vulnerable narcissists. I've been in intense therapy for two years now (at YOUR recommendation) and have come a million miles towards healing. THANK YOU! At 73 it is still not too late to learn and leave. BLESS YOU!

What I find mind bending is how twisted the relationship with a narcissist is, that you have to discard them as damaged goods or trash. I’ve always thought that with perseverance and love people can change, but not with this toxic individual. It makes me sad to know that someone can be so damaging to others, all the effort and input you give to this relationship for nothing.

Oh my God, Dr. Ramani! My father used to say to me when I was little (all the time), "You're a good girl, no matter what anyone else says." 💔😭 And I'm 63 and the realization of that cruelty, really hits hard. Thank you for that "awakening".🙏

I've been binge watching videos about covert narcissism to make sense of my circumstances and this is by far the best video at explaining exactly what I have observed the past few years.

My dad was like this across the board when I was growing up. Constant criticism, negativity, contemptuousness, blame-shifting to us kids, constantly disparaging, bitter victimhood, anger, moodiness, contrary, argumentative, paranoid...just an exhausting personality. After I was an adult my mom and I were discussing narcissism in general without realizing my dad could hear us. To our surprise he suddenly spoke up, saying, "Am I a narcissist?" I was startled but I didn't hesitate. I said kindly, "I guess you recognize some of your characteristics. But most people never recognize it or acknowledge it. The good thing is we can work on it." He was silent. I didn't push it, and he wrote me a note later that day saying I was the only one who had always been kind to him and cared about him. I could tell he was scared. The next time I talked with him I just kindly and matter-of-factly explained the causes and outcomes of narcissism. He put up mild resistance but every day I just kept doing the same thing and showing I wasn't going to turn on him despite his vulnerability. This went on for months. Today, years later, he isn't even the same person. When he becomes negative and irritable now I'll say "Why are you being irritable?" He'll say it's because of something stressful happening in his life and I'll say, "I'm sorry you're going through that, but you know it's no reason to take it out on me." He immediately calms down and apologizes. He never could have done that before. And I wouldn't have dared say it before. When I asked him what made him change he said, "I wanted to be the best person I could be for God." He was studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses and recognized that he wasn't living up to the Christian ideal they teach. I don't know if this is common or he is an outlier. But to this day my siblings and I are astonished by his transformation. I guess he wanted to please God to such an overwhelming degree that it gave him the courage to recognize his narcissism and work on it. Maybe narcissism is like an addiction and they have to publicly admit and acknowledge the problem before they can work on it? As a side note: One day shortly after he recognized his narcissism he hurt himself. I had to sit down and was pale. "What's wrong with you, I'm the one who's hurt," he said. I said, "It's empathy. I feel your pain." It was a huge epiphany for him. He brought it up with my mom later, saying in astonishment, "She actually felt my pain. Other people can feel your pain." Today he's naturally empathetic, and it's remarkable to see when he was so indifferent to other people's pain when I was a child.

In my experience, close, loving relationships with covert narcissists are particularly devastating because their behavior is so much more insidious than their counterparts, as Dr. Ramani pointed out. For decades I didn't have a handle on my loved one's identity because their "rages" were instead defensive diatribes, and their manipulative behavior hinged on a mask of empathy of all things. Talk about confusing and confounding. As an empath myself, that just drew me closer and enabled the trauma bond. I think severing a relationship like this is uniquely painful because I feel extreme guilt for even admitting these things, like I'm the one that is somehow hurting someone who is already chronically victimized. It's like a performance of love, closeness, and understanding that is instead a cruel, cruel fiction. Wishing you all strength and clarity.

My eyes are wide awake I think the Lord above has shaken me awake I thank doctor Ramani For the knowledge and wisdom thank you I can spot them now😮

I literally saved a woman's life. She said"fine, I'm going home to die and it's all your fault!" I told her that's not how the world works. I saved your life. What you do with it now is up to you. All over my setting one boundary.

I spent almost half a million dollars trying to rescue my husband because "everyone has always let him down". His best friend committed suicide early in our relationship so I attributed his bad behavior to that. I did everything i could think of to help him until i was exhausted, broke, and broken. In the end he started a smear campaign against me and everyone was shocked to hear how I too had victimized him.

That last bit was me exactly. From a covert narc parent straight into a long term relationship with one. 19 years later I found myself. It's never too late to become the director of your life. ❤️

After learning so much from your videos, I've come to realize that my mom is a covert narssicist and this has been so eye opening. It's always been my hardest relationship because she is elderly and now has Alzheimer's. She's had a difficult life and I understand that there's a lot of trauma in her past but my goodness it's so hard to be in her presence or talking to her. She's so miserable and complains about everything. She lives with my sister and grandkids in a posh beach California city and talking to her you would think that she is in a Cuban prison. In the past, I've tried to solve her problems and make her happy only to find her lieing and saying to my sister that she never complained to me, making me look like the bad guy. I moved across the country to stay away from both her and my sister. But she calls me and dumps her frustrations on me with a fake interest in how I'm doing. She talks at me. In the end before hanging up, she always says oh I feel so much better and my batteries are charged. In my culture, we say a lot of fake loving sentences and she just says these empty words. I feel bad if I don't talk to her or ignore her calls but I always end up feeling disappointed and remember awful memories with family. I'm very patient and loving in life but hearing her is taking a toll on me. Don't even get me started on my narssicistic sister and her husband, they're awful toxic people and I'm so happy I severed the relationship. Thank you Dr Ramani, after learning about narcissism in your content, I have accepted that there's nothing really broken in me and that I don't need to fix/help/save the covert narssicists like my mom in my life anymore. I feel sad that I don't really have a family but I'm happy that I don't have to be in their miserable life.

This whole video just tells me that my soon to be ex husband is a Covert Narcsissist...it answers my question to everything. Thank you

I’m determined to master grey rocking for my own peace. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. It’s not our job to save them. For any treatment to work; integrity, accountability, and empathy must be present.

I AM a covert narcissist. I always analyzed myself, never understood why I felt like that and found out I was similar to my narc mother. But I was not exactly like her or my narc coworker who really acted differently. He was extroverted and social. I am an introvert but in all of my relationships, I never truly loved but always used the empaths that fell prey to my manipulation. And I didnt do that on purpose. It just happened. Now I‘m learning how to deal with myself without hurting others. I just cut off all contacts and went to live by myself first. It helps to reflect on myself. Being able to be in a healthy relationship requires a lot of awareness

This is incredible, because it’s as if you perfectly described my father and my husband, and I was thinking, no way they both can have the same PD. And then the last words you said is that having a parent like that might make you more prone to have that kind of partner. Thank you for all the content you have created around this topic and about relationships as a whole. It’s truly life changing.

I come from a family who regard money more important than love or health. All narcs. I married a narc. He divorced - taking loads of said family money. And I got the daughter who taught me all about it when she reached 19yrs old. She is my PRICELESS GIFT for all the pain that they scapegoated me with. 🥰

You just described how I grew up. The difference is that everybody outside the home thought she was friendly and great. I'm older now and still feel anger for the years of physical, mental and emotional abuse as a child, always trying to please her, for self protection.

My gf was in a 12 year relationship with a covert narcissist, broke up with them last year after being harassed into opening the relationship. She didn't realize how badly she was being treated until she started dating me. I'm so proud of her progress so far, and I know that there's still a lot of healing to do. We're getting her to therapy soon, just waiting on a referral. Sending lots of love to everyone who needs these videos! Y'all deserve better.

How to manage a relationship like this without getting lost in the vortex of guilt “radical acceptance, realistic expectations, grey rock, not engaging, not explaining or personalizing”

This is my mum. We were brought up to believe everyone except her, me and my sister were stupid, useless, immoral etc. She was the only one who knew how to live properly. While she was nicer to me and my sister, I know that undermining other possible influences in our lives was a way of controlling us.

It took me 15 years to realise a “good friend” that I always thought had depression or low self esteem is actually a covert narcissist. Looking back I can’t believe what I put up with and the level of controlling behaviour I dealt with. One time she invited me over for dinner and then asked if she could invite another friend. I said of course! Her other friend and I got on really well and instead of being really happy that her two friends were getting along she went and sat in her bedroom sulking because the attention wasn’t on her. It was so awkward. The two of us had no idea what was going on. We saw ourselves out and felt like we had to apologise for getting along.

First of all I thank G-d for finding your channel! You are saving lives! I have been divorced for 2 years now after 24 years of married life with this "sickness". I am no longer "rescuing" anybody but myself!

100% I am 46 now, going through a Divorce with my Covert Narcissist... I was 19 when we met and empathetic. I saw a shy, smart young man whose family pooh poohed him. I unknowingly boosted a monsters ego

i’ve never watched a video for this long in normal speed, not wanting it to end. thank you thank you so much this was empowering

I wish I had known about covert narcissists years ago. I always questioned if I my mother could be a narcissist, because she doesn't display the grandiose characteristics. But it made so much sense when I found out about the covert side. She's always the victim, someone else is always to blame, she never takes any responsibility, she uses illness to guilt people into doing what she wants. And uses threats of self harm if she doesn't get what she wants. She uses gaslighting to try and make you feel like you are losing your mind, and just making things up. And if there isn't a problem, then she will create one. And creates an environment where it feels easier to let her get what she wants, and just put up with the abuse. I have been the main scapegoat for her since early childhood. All of this has caused me to have such a horrible guilt complex and anxiety issues into adulthood. And other people in my family, etc, have also been conditioned to see my mother as the constant victim too. So I would get guilted and shamed by them, if I ever tried to speak out, or say anything against her, and was made to feel like a nasty person. Covert narcissists are much more sneaky and manipulative.

I had suspicions for a long time my Dad was one, and he was moaning about my sister and he said", but I couldn't say that because I needed to stay longer in her house " it was then I realised once and for all he had a calculating brain and always has had. I run back now through my childhood experiences and just find him disgusting. Extremely low contact, and I've learnt to not fight him when his narc demon is activated, I just wait till he's gone and use my bag of healing tools . You owe it to yourself your freedom

I am the daughter of a malignant narcissist and I recently dated a covert narcissist. I would benefit greatly from more content about covert narcissism. This video was tremendously helpful. A huge lightbulb has gone off. I am so grateful.

i am about 8 months out of an abusive relationship. this video describes my situation exactly, it's actually a little jarring seeing this all in one video. i have mentioned some of the situations that have occured to my friends, ones which were mentioned as examples in this video, and i never knew anything could be so spot on. thank you for making this.

Thanks for taking about the covert narcissist ❤️ They often go undetected and do much damage in relationships. Dr. Ramani, you have inspired me to start my channel. Keep the videos coming👏🏾

That's my mom right there. Always talking about other people and criticizing. The insecurity is just on full display. It's a pain just to stay in the same space with her.

This is absolutely blowing my mind!! I never ever knew this. Thank you SOOO much. You are changing so many lives. Bless you!

this is my former best friend. I was sucked in by his victimhood, he was saying I am his 'only friend', that 'I never call', and I wasn't texting enough and was just making me uncomfortable. I said I needed space [and tried to set boundaries over something I believe he did] he denied, gaslit, word saladed, shamed and blamed me, tried to force me to apologise he had a full on emotional victim meltdown, like all tsunami of pain and blaming and shaming me. Flipped it over to make me the 'bad person'. I know a lot about narcissism but I still didn't spot it until the mask came off- they sure know how to hide. I tried to 'save' him as well but he never did anything to fix his problems. I walked away.

This was my mother. Never happy, ever, cornered the market on martyrdom, pain and suffering. It was so hard to be a "cheerleader child" trying to fix that which Cannot be fixed. Other people's houses had wood and tile floors, our had eggshells. Her mantra was "get used to it, life is full of disappointments". And the endless envy or jealously drove me out of the house and into endless extra-curricular activities as an escape route as a teenager. When you grow up in a home like this often you leave with an auto immune disease. Then there was the smear campaign and hoovering. It took me 53 Years to go no contact. I did repeat this pattern from the overt narc ex husband to the 2 subsquent covert narcs. Thank God you are sharing this with people right now. I wished there was someone like you there when I was growing up... any sign of my then self and peer grown self-esteem was squashed with ....."Who do you think you are?" It's taken me a lifetime to erase the tapes and heal and I can't say it enough, Ross Rosenberg, Dr. Les Carter and you have saved my life. Finally I'm aware and no longer the boiling frog.

The narcissist I know can go from overt to covert , when life and things are going good them they’re over the top overt , however when they SELF sabotage they go straight into vulnerable narcissist . It’s almost like dealing with two different people . Only way I can describe this is INSANITY if you’re a family member or partner...... I’m currently going through ptsd because of many decades of abuse . Thank you so much Dr Ramani , would love your opinion on this ❤

Jeez, this really describes my mom to T. But she also exhibits grandiose with a dash of malignant too. We were very isolated, especially the older she got. Now I am afraid to let people in. So, now the isolation continues. My mom was severely abused and neglected as a child though. That’s the part that hurts so much, there’s a photo of her as a little girl that hold close by. I wish I could go back in time and hold that little girl and change the course of her life. I honestly believe she would be a different person had she been loved and nurtured.

This is one of the best, if not the best, description of relationships with this type of personality. I found myself saying EXACTLY to almost every single problem and solution that you've outlined. Thank you for this important work. I'm currently healing after removing myself carefully from this person after 7 years.

24:29 I didn't attend my graduation ceremony when I got my Masters degree. I didn't know anything about narcissism at the time, but I told my spouse, "I don't want to give my parents another opportunity to not tell me they're proud of me." I bet a lot of us have stories like that.

A narcissistic person can oscillate between both grandiose and covert mannerisms. That is what I experienced with my ex and it was very confusing. I personally think he could have had a cluster b personality disorder but that’s just my opinion! Thank you for your work. 😊

Every family event or gatheringy my mom would repeat the story about her going to heaven and all the glory she got to witness. We have all heard that tale many times. She loves to show how she was "blessed" to be chosen out of all our family members to enjoy such an experience. Just another one of several signs that show her narcissism.

This is so good, and much needed. Please produce more videos on the COVERT type narcissists. We need more information to gain knowledge and clarity of these insidious toxic abusers.

So glad i found your channel. This describes my mother to a T. It was depressing growing up. I always hated myself. Felt like a loner. Tried to be a perfectionist. 29 and moved to a new state, and am finally coming out of my shell. Trying to heal myself so i don't pass this same type of trauma on to my children. This type of parenting causes fearful avoidant attachment and now im trying to work through that too. :/

14:32 this really hit home for me. Being raised by a covert narcissist, I never learned how to create lasting friendships. I was nerdy and quiet and neurodiverse, so I was bullied in grade school, and when I started to have friends in high school my parents would openly mock and shame me for "wasting time" on "social nonsense." (This was in the early 90s, so they meant hanging out with friends on weekends, not social media.) It's unbelievably damaging to hear those messages from such a young age and to have any kind of friendships actively discouraged and sometimes even forbidden. I'm in my 40s now and I still have a really hard time building friendships that last because I was taught that anyone outside the immediate family isn't worth the effort.

Through EMDR I learned a lot of these patterns with narcissist but also figuring it out through your videos have opened my eyes to a whole new world or human behavior and how our environments really do mold us. It’s nuts but we always have choices to do better by each other too. Thank you so much for all the info and I look forward to learning more ❤

Listening to this has just saved me from a lifetime of narcissistic control, as now I know what a covert narcissist is and it wasn’t me imagining things all this time. I’m forever thankful to you Dr Ramani

I'm so glad you talked about how covert narcissism can be confused with mood issues. I thought my partner was dealing with depression, anxiety and even bipolar disorder until nothing helped and I really started seeing the personality disorder. Thank you for your help.

Thank you Dr Ramani for this knowledge. I’ve learnt that I may have attracted covert narcissists because I grew up to nurture my siblings. 15:04 Drawn to covert narcissists because I felt bad for them and wanted to help them out of victim hood. 🤦🏽‍♀️ I’m working on catching the red flags 🚩 early.. so I will walk away …

This is my sister exactly, point for point. You know her better than anyone else in the world except for me. My mom died when I was 10 and my dad, who had about half of these traits, neglected us. So my sister became my mother/parent figure. Now we’re middle aged and her life has been tragedy after tragedy, she’s in an awful place and she never married or had kids and is completely alone. She’s broken apart all family and friendships. Over time she convinced our relatives to disown me. I have married and have beautiful kids and have a nice stable life. Her envy is off the charts. She despises me. But I’m the only person she has. Now it’s to the point where I take care of her or she goes homeless. She’s starting to steal. She has raged on me my entire life. My guilt of not taking care of her is overwhelming, and she’s the only family I have left, but I just want to be free. I have to listen to these videos on repeat 100x. I can’t fully grasp it. But it’s so obvious. Thank you.

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Your videos have been so enlightening, so insightful, and so deeply healing. I cannot afford therapy right now, and I find your voice and manner so warm almost like a family friend that I love to listen to. You have helped me and I am deeply grateful. Thank you so much. 🙏❤

Funny while listening to you Dr. Ramani I realize you give me the comfort, validation and love that i never got as a child and it’s really comforting and safe just listening to your beautiful, mother like voice as I lay down on my pillow and am thankful for someone like you in my life to look up to and know someone “Has My Back and Understands!” Thank You so very much for that! You’ve helped me understand my childhood traumas and help me get through them and I’ve literally watched all your videos some multiple times whenever I feel down or sad and you never fail to make me feel safe and loved in this amazing world ! Thank you again I love you Dr. Ramani Your the Best !!😊🥇🎗🌅🌠🎇

It's weird. They want you to do things like be a cheerleader, be a dancer, be smart, be a prom queen, graduate, go to college etc... Then when you accomplish any of those things there is punishment. It's definitely confusing.

Love you Dr. Ramini! I believe the expression is "throwing good money after bad money." Putting your vauable resources into a bad investment = a loss/no profit, futile endeavor. Really appreciate your insights. 🌻

I appreciate your dedication and knowledge to support teaching about this confusing dangerous situation. I feel more educated to talk to my therapist in an understanding way. Thank you