The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won't Last & How To ACTUALLY Find Love!

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The KEY SIGNS That Relationship Won't Last & How To ACTUALLY Find Love! | Esther Perel

Рет қаралды 559,080

Tom Bilyeu

Күн бұрын

Пікірлер: 368

@viniciomattos 3 жыл бұрын

Be careful, watching this video is dangerous, you will fall in love with this wonderful woman

@kingzach5000 2 жыл бұрын

True, she is the epitome of a great person so much understand and compassion

@alexs6250 2 жыл бұрын

Spectacular

@marileenmaldonado7620 2 жыл бұрын

Too late…love at first sight long time ago🤣

@amber4027 2 жыл бұрын

Hahaha

@theapocalypsechronicles3 2 жыл бұрын

🤣

@LSSYLondon 2 жыл бұрын

25:00 People fight over these things 1. Power and Control 2. Trust and closeness 3. Respect and integrity

@kokestomoshira5854 3 жыл бұрын

"The vast majority of the world has never raised their children to do what is right for them"... That hit hard👏

@mirandarodgers5401 3 жыл бұрын

Definitely felt that one

@Jusyna24071981 3 жыл бұрын

But what’s expected from them… hit harder❤️

@fredkaufmann8034 Жыл бұрын

1:26

@MStar10 Жыл бұрын

But what's right for them? At a young age - it's what parents think is right for them (ie their experiences and expectations?)

@Mr.Steve-O Жыл бұрын

Bad parenting is alive and well in the USA

@kikiqld1547 3 жыл бұрын

Imagine the quality of your relationship and your life if you are with someone who communicates so effectively with you.

@QUINTUSMAXIMUS 3 жыл бұрын

I agree that communication is very important. I had a relationship with a girl and we had very good communication, but because our relationship partially moved into the friendship area (it was partially due to some long distance), she said it wasn't keeping the relationship. I highly value communication, being able to understand someone.

@RFernandez18 2 жыл бұрын

I keep a great communication and feel that keeping interest to your partner and same for him,is important. Work as a team, not against each other.

@HideoutLeather 2 жыл бұрын

@@RFernandez18 eew weie2 i3

@HideoutLeather 2 жыл бұрын

@@QUINTUSMAXIMUS w

@HideoutLeather 2 жыл бұрын

@@RFernandez18 re

@stephenbrody2717 3 жыл бұрын

This lady is one of the best communicators I have heard with regards to relationships

@rachelmorrison362 3 жыл бұрын

Agreed

@Moyawethu. 3 жыл бұрын

Stephen right, so easy she dumbs it down so beautifully

@dr.aakritiupadhyay7952 3 жыл бұрын

True

@dr.aakritiupadhyay7952 3 жыл бұрын

This tells a lot about her indepth knowledge about the subject

@TheDhammaHub 3 жыл бұрын

It is so important to talk a lot and early about problems... the longer you avoid them, the bigger they get. Every couple learns that the hard way

@tracesprite6078 3 жыл бұрын

However if you have a partner who refuses to talk over problems then that can be a big problem. Another answer may be too try to create more happy times instead but I found the untackled issues just piled up on us.

@TB-rx1ue 3 жыл бұрын

“Fluent in 9 languages” This woman... 🙌🏻 This is the best interviewer of hers. I love that he actively listens, paraphrases, etc. He doesn’t interject, change the subject etc. Kudos!!!

@muumarlin1731 3 жыл бұрын

She's the amazing aunt we all need. A national treasure:)

@PH1M0 3 жыл бұрын

“Naming is framing.” 👏She has really great insight into relationships and individuals 💯

@Booster85 3 жыл бұрын

Social media and all them dating apps ruined relationships, these days your a swipe away from being replaced! Nobody likes working through problems and facing adversity, they want the quick fix and that’s the problem.

@TB-rx1ue 3 жыл бұрын

According to one of her talks, you decide that you marry when you decide you can’t do better and want to delete the dating apps lol She also talks about how there’s definitely also the paradox of choice. It’s easier to choose one of two, but not one of thousands

@elroyjetson6380 3 жыл бұрын

If you're a swipe away from being replaced then you are doing something very wrong.

@mrmarkcima 3 жыл бұрын

Seriously. I plan to delete all my social media and just leave on fb messenger.

@sherriflemming3218 4 ай бұрын

Online is The Paradox Of Choice- Ted Talk

@vp5134 3 жыл бұрын

Did I hear well??? Fluent in 9 languages?? I was already amazed by Esther Perel, now I am even more amazed by her?

@h0llyisawes0me 3 жыл бұрын

Absolutely love Ester's concept to place two objects in your daily view.. One representing what you must leave behind and another representing what you mean to foster, and asking what you have done today about each.

@ginachavez3350 3 жыл бұрын

Her wisdom and clarity is insurmountable❣️ She is truly heaven-sent! ♥️

@edminaliutke1110 3 жыл бұрын

Only 10 minutes in and I am so fascinated. I think this is the best of her interview's I've ever listened to. And that is a big compliment to Tom as an interviewer.

@1maybeline 2 жыл бұрын

Yes! I was proud of him for not cursing ones during this interview!

@edminaliutke1110 2 жыл бұрын

@@1maybeline lol his cursing is fine. I don’t know why people are so against curse words. It a language of passion.

@belengutierrez1961 9 ай бұрын

Esther is ABSOLUTELY brilliant, it's MESMERIZING to me how she's able to break down SUCH complex concepts in a digestible way.. she's the hero relationships need

@huyentang8925 3 жыл бұрын

Esther is incredible. Her works and podcasts are pure gold - I truly believe that everyone in a relationship or thinking about entering a relationship, should educate themselves with her work. Relationships take continuous hardwork, y'all. Amazing 👏

@katelynmccorkle9902 3 жыл бұрын

Power, Trust, Respect, Integrity, Recognition, Understanding, Nurturing, Reaching out.....VS....Shaming, Criticism, Stonewalling, Contempt.

@Melly16yr10 3 жыл бұрын

I'll also add the 7 deadly sins. Ego, Arrogance, Ignorance, Sloth, Lust and Envy

@katelynmccorkle9902 3 жыл бұрын

@@Melly16yr10 I've been thinking about those lately and I think about how good it feels to have pride and lust for others and my life itself so I can't agree 🤷‍♀️

@maxmd9218 3 жыл бұрын

1) Power & control 2) Trust & closeness 3) Respect & Recognition- Am I seen? Do not distort my intention.

@caitlinconway73 2 жыл бұрын

❤

@frankvaneck1 2 күн бұрын

What I see as a pattern in the work of relationships through having been watching Esther a lot is that when the host or questioning person is male, the conversation is about rationalizing and categorizing and trying to understand relationships. While when the other person is a woman it is more about the actual Living of relationships, the struggles, the conflicts, the hardship, through sharing personal stories and experiences. I prefer when the both being present. In this case the host does not show his own vulnerability yet only shows how well he is in understanding which is not adding to the convo unfortunately. Still Esther is gold and her work full of nuggets to collect for my own life.

@reallifepsych3309 3 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for this video. So many of our past traumas still linger in our new relationships unintentionally. Improvement begins with awareness.

@QUINTUSMAXIMUS 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, we also are wrongly encouraged to look away from our pain, wounds when looking at them helps us heal.

@jaxx-inspiregrowcreate2862 3 жыл бұрын

At the end of the day, good communication always wins

@gabrielamartinyuk9894 3 жыл бұрын

Marriage : Serving your spouse, thinking of their best interest. Imagine if BOTH spouses practiced exactly this? Both would be seen and loved and respected.

@always12lovemusic 3 жыл бұрын

Two people can go into a relationship/marriage with this intention and think that they are doing it, but both could feel unseen or not respected. It's important that they are on the same page. I could marry you and I love oranges, so every day I give you an orange thinking "she's going to feel so loved by my actions". You could love apples and give me apples every day and think "she's going to feel so loved by my actions". But in reality, you could hate oranges and I could hate apples and every gesture of good-will is actually offensive to the other. That's why it's important for you and I to sit down and communicate with each other and explain our wants and needs as well. But you're right, I think people get complacent and an imbalance can grow in the relationship.

@christinekriel3773 3 жыл бұрын

Esther Perel’s work is exceptional....I’ve watched and listened to every piece available....this interview was one of the most incredible...you both so articulately isolated different individuals experiences......please see me, please hear me, please respect me....thank you to both of you.

@nataliesmith4778 3 жыл бұрын

I love that > we stop looking at ourselves and only focus on the other person, and the problems we see in thm. As a single person I see this alot when talking with my coupled friends

@sandteena42 3 жыл бұрын

Hello film Ft. Worth, Texas

@tracesprite6078 3 жыл бұрын

The beginning of a relationship with all the attention and curiosity is exciting but I also think people need to withdraw from one another at times. You may need to mooch about, to sulk for a while over hurts which feel too petty to bring to the light of day etc. The important thing is to not extend these withdrawal times for too long as they can be hurtful to your partner.

@min-achozeno3237 3 жыл бұрын

Im listening to this and feel she’s onto something really important at 13:00. A lot of us use the same words but the cultural context of the words are different. Words like sex, marriage, family, happiness, etc. Marriage meant something entirely different to my grandparents than it did for my parents who came together out of love more than parental expectations. Success and happiness for them is still very much tied to how well my sister and I do in life.

@tanuhuff 3 жыл бұрын

Change your thoughts - Change your life

@selfbeliefchief 2 жыл бұрын

Most of us stare at the things that are uncertain and can't be controlled and hope it changes. Certainty can be a feeling, so create certainty in the other areas of life and it will give you a stronger foundation to handle some uncertainty 🙌

@bitarezaee6152 3 жыл бұрын

And by the way, your introduction was not the same as the other guests! She is a genius and she deserves to be introduced better

@sxd29 3 жыл бұрын

LOVE Esther!!!!!!!!! I can hear Esther Perel and Brene Brown ALL Day!!!!!! They make such simple points but oh so right points!!!!!!!!

@dericflairmultiverse4952 3 жыл бұрын

who's Brene Brown

@davidgoodman6928 3 жыл бұрын

Tom did a superb job at this interview. Best Esther P interview on the internet to date.

@LaSorciereFeuillue 3 жыл бұрын

Thoroughly agree!

@janetkirsten6233 Жыл бұрын

There are 4 things that kill a relationship and you should look for from day one.... 1. Contempt 2. Neglect 3. Stonewalling and 4. Disrespect

@LolitaSurely 11 ай бұрын

1.) Criticism 2.) Defensiveness 3.) Stonewalling 4.) Contempt

@AndrewBeniston 7 ай бұрын

The four horsemen!

@IEVAKambarovaite 3 жыл бұрын

Tom's questions are absolutely briliant. I'm in awe. I've read Esther Perel's books and listened to her speak so many times, but this conversation was very different. Thank you so much 🙏🏻

@palladium607 3 жыл бұрын

In my opinion, Tom is one of THE all time best interviewers. 👌🏼

@ChantalFourie 3 жыл бұрын

This is what makes Tom THE best interviewer! He has the unique ability to dive deep into someone's work and then to interview him/her in such a way that he gets all the golden nuggets in a very short time. I've listened to so many of Esther's interviews, podcasts, TED Talks, but this one is the best. I love her work and it certainly had a great impact on my own relationships. Thank you to you both!

@IEVAKambarovaite 3 жыл бұрын

@@ChantalFourie I couldn't agree more. He's one the best prepared hosts ever! If you get a chance listen to Tom Bilyeu on Mikhaila Peterson's podcast. Loved seeing Tom on a different side of the conversation.

@scramblendan Жыл бұрын

She is the bomb. Love her and how she understands, explains how to love another.

@cloudhi 3 жыл бұрын

It's not just romantic relationships that this all applies to, but everything discussed in this vid is important to foster a good relationship with anyone in this world.

@elgeebee5250 3 жыл бұрын

So true. Meditation and self awareness and bodily awareness! Polyvagal theory too! Also perception understanding one's past/values/triggers/beliefs

@da4728 Жыл бұрын

This is the 1st time I've fell in love over someone's pure intellect & intelligence - she's soooo attractive 😍

@kingzach5000 2 жыл бұрын

She is so good with speaking and her words. It is her nine languages for sure that gives her that understanding. Truly remarkable

@bh5079 3 жыл бұрын

I wish this was longer. She is truly amazing at what she does🙂

@bitarezaee6152 3 жыл бұрын

I am so excited for this interview but I expected a longer talk. She is pure gold...

@KhushSoul 3 жыл бұрын

You have to bring her back for part 2!! Pleaseeeee

@sophieblooming8555 2 жыл бұрын

“Naming is framing” is what a role language serves in our thinking and communicating process. Her multilingual capacity definitely helps her to switch the frameworks among languages and cultures to reduce the self serving biases we all have.

@simonehinds8288 8 ай бұрын

😂😂🎉😢😂😢😢

@gloriasaliba3395 3 жыл бұрын

One of the very best relationship psychologists I’ve heard !! The ability to hold multiple perspectives and through varied cultural lenses is key.

@MyPersonalCoachingClub 3 жыл бұрын

The process does shape the experience. The power of the mind is so intriguing. What one perceives most times is what one gets!!

@aossi4565 3 жыл бұрын

Literally made me drop what I was doing to take notes. I was saving this one for the weekend and I’m beyond excited! What the two of you bring in these conversations is amazing.

@terrifranklin7585 3 жыл бұрын

2 of my favorite peeps! She makes intelligence seem so common place. Tom is still the best interview around! Do it again- soon please.

@smenicatti1039 3 жыл бұрын

My simple way of communication explanation is that there are 2 types of people. Narcissist style with whom the word communication is one way and it is their way and then you have the second group who are willing to communicate and fix problems.

@Melly16yr10 3 жыл бұрын

Agreed

@victoriahalpin8816 2 ай бұрын

I love how her content , no matter how many times I listen to her always sounds fresh .

@whizzardno1 10 ай бұрын

I absolutely agree with her point on language and "naming and framing". I've seen people get really angrynand frustrated because they couldn't explain or convey how they felt and couldn't get pass the misunderstanding.

@IEVAKambarovaite 3 жыл бұрын

This was so good. I'm going to spend my night writing a couple of letters instead of binging on another series. Absolutely loved this 💜

@annagrear4167 Жыл бұрын

Relational intelligence as the capacity to hold multiple perspectives at the same time: spot on!

@HowellConsultations 3 жыл бұрын

In case no one has told you today, Keep pushing through the heartache, lack of motivation & self doubt. When you feel lost, that’s the perfect opportunity to find a reroute. There’s so much you’re meant to do in this lifetime, don’t give up on it. Hope our channel helps you on your journey ✌

@tracesprite6078 3 жыл бұрын

You have touched on an important issue. Many of us feel somewhat discouraged by life and may not have the confidence and energy that Esther has. Some people need to withdraw from one another at times.

@revathysembuganathan 3 жыл бұрын

ooo i am thrilled to know more about the card game Ester described towards the end of this talk, fantastic interview as usual Tom. Thank you for bringing Ester's wisdom.

@MaddieLam 3 жыл бұрын

Wow, Esther really just shined in this interview.

@joeydiamond4756 3 жыл бұрын

This needed to be longer! I love this insight on relationships on any spectrum. Wonderful!

@joshikawale25 3 жыл бұрын

You can check out more on Lewis Howes's channel

@valvrj 3 жыл бұрын

She is so well thought and full of wisdom. It's hard to maintain relationships in these days (personal, professional, spiritual) but with the right tools in place it's possible to nurture them and keep the flame going for life.

@frankmassello9073 Жыл бұрын

This is one of her best. I think the interviewer facilitated this. Thanks

@RedIria 3 жыл бұрын

"She has podcasts around this stuff" .. how about "She has multiple TED talks and books published around this stuff" ?

@Miutaeht 3 жыл бұрын

Yes, what happened to the amazing intros Tom used to do!?

@tatianab2049 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah, a missed opportunity

@jemineye02 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah... C'mon Tom. Her work in relationship dynamics is groundbreaking. She deserves a solid introduction.

@shellshocked7620 3 жыл бұрын

And then he got the name of her podcast wrong too... Esther is wonderful and articulate. Tom was irritating.

@villaespesa1 3 жыл бұрын

She's so insightful and articulate about everything she says, her introduction lacks how paramount she is around her area of expertise and how much she is respected.

@mariah3654 2 жыл бұрын

Great interview. I like how you let the interviewee speak, and did not turn it into a miniature counseling session for yourself.

@susanminihane4664 3 жыл бұрын

Wow! What a great interview! This content is very helpful for my personal and professional relationships. I was so engrossed with the interview it seemed to last only 5 seconds.

@FZAChannel 2 жыл бұрын

24:59 Three things we are really fighting about . Power/control , trust, recognition

@sassenachdragon Жыл бұрын

You listen to so many “experts” which all have many interesting insights but with Esther Perel you have someone who deals with all the different dynamics in real life relationships with her actual patients day in and day out! No wonder she has such a comprehensive perspective! Now Tom is interesting, I’ve watched some of Lisa’s interviews and I can tell they have such a healthy marriage because they had been so purposeful in their setting rules for communication within their marriage. Not only are they good role models, their relationship helps them ask the crucial questions of their fascinating guests, particularly Esther Perel!!

@Sunshinebuttercups 2 жыл бұрын

My partner often mistranslates what I say and even when I say immediately no that’s not what I said he just says that’s how I took it and I’m like but that’s not what I said so there’s no point being upset or angry but he won’t budge and I can’t resolve.

@anaharap8781 3 жыл бұрын

She needs to be invited to "Conversations with Tom". I'd love to hear you guys talk more.

@alschiller1578 2 жыл бұрын

Having a guest such as Esther Perel is a treat but I really admired your hosting abilities! You do a great job and ask good questions that keep a viewer intriqued! Great show!!

@consummatel 3 жыл бұрын

I LOOOOOVE HER!!! can we please have a part 2?

@romifontana-daguerre5473 10 ай бұрын

Love her power of language, and how important framing situations in proper language matters.

@ellipsis1228 3 жыл бұрын

Wow! So many tools handed out in this interview. Will definitely be looking into her work. She's amazing. Thanks for this golden nugget!!

@marista8884 Жыл бұрын

"The process shapes the experience. The form is more important than the content"!!!! WOW wow wow!!!👏👏👏

@guitarsz 3 жыл бұрын

The woman looks like she's 39 or 42 max. WHAT amazing clarity of mind and energy. Not only is she masterful in her field, but she walks the walk. She's healthy through and through.

@joshikawale25 3 жыл бұрын

Well she is 63... I was assuming somewhere in her late 50s but not 60 also the assumption was based on the fact that she has two sons who are already adults now and that she has been working for a very long time... But yes she is amazing!

@aprililes8355 3 жыл бұрын

Emotional integrity, respect, validation are all a very good start for a successful relationship always! Thank you Ester!🙏❤

@KhushSoul 3 жыл бұрын

It’s about time you had this woman on your show.

@sharmpadayachee8939 3 жыл бұрын

She's sent from God. With wisdom.. Intelligence.. I'm in awe of her..

@Dounia8686 2 жыл бұрын

Je t'aime Esther !!! Je t'ai découvert il n'y a pas longtemps et je ne peux juste pas arrêter de regarder tes vidéos et écouter tes Podcasts.Je suis belge aussi by the way, fière d'avoir une compatriote comme toi.

@mireillekobeissi3881 3 жыл бұрын

She is Fabulous!! By far the best...highly skilful and inspiring. Very insightful interview

@Amegla1976 3 жыл бұрын

Esther is such a gem! I always enjoy and learn so much from her perspective. Also, Tom is a great interviewer that brings consistently good content to this otherwise controversial social media platform. Very much appreciated!

@katmarcoux5332 3 жыл бұрын

This woman is amazing! Thank you!

@begonebegone7825 2 жыл бұрын

She is so articulate and right on. Saw her on Ted Talk and she is wonderful.

@RozzaMindset 3 жыл бұрын

Great episode! That's why communication skills are so important! Thank you for this valuable information!

@monalisakar715 3 жыл бұрын

An amazing deep wisdom on relationship and human mind!!! Am a big fan !!!!

@mrkevintetz 3 жыл бұрын

Wow. That was massively packed with insight! I'm gonna have to watch it again lol.

@williamfisher2427 Жыл бұрын

Respect is what makes a relationship work. I know because I’ve been married for 46 years. I’ve seen the that work in two of my children’s marriages and two that didn’t work in my other two children’s marriages.

@kirstinstrand6292 3 жыл бұрын

Esther Perel - no one is better on Relationships !

@jobywatermusic 3 жыл бұрын

Thanks Tom and Esther ❤️👌 Mating in Captivity is a fantastic book as is every interview I've heard with this lady.

@wispervalley Жыл бұрын

33:12 "where am I coming from and where do I want to go" Soo powerful words of wisdom. Thank you. Hut ab für Esther, a wise woman who speaks 9 languages. Thank you Tom for having her on your podcast. I'm sure she also impressed you very positively :-) Kind regards, Scottie K.

@kari25nov 3 жыл бұрын

In a company setting, where 2 people are "fighting" , the fight may be about 1. power and control, 2. trust and closeness, 3. respect and integrity, but these three issues might also become a cover-up story. The cover-up story is then really about who is going to get the most credits for the success of the company and/or who is going to accept the blame for the company not succeeding. How open and honest are people with each other?

@ivastoianova7453 3 жыл бұрын

She is incredible:)

@kathrynrobinson8924 3 жыл бұрын

💯 I love her too!! I learn so much from her. 💕💕💕

@JaZmine147 3 жыл бұрын

I could listen to her voice forever.

@denisesharon-fallon4758 3 жыл бұрын

what a FULLLLLL body of information that deserves time to embrace at every point. Wow. Thank you. Please enlist all of her contact information

@Megan6772 2 жыл бұрын

You can Google her

@readingsbycara 3 жыл бұрын

Soooo much wisdom. ♥️ *I literally have to re-watch... !*

@b_lilla_t6464 3 жыл бұрын

OMG, can't wait for the card gaaaame😍😍

@debbiesmith2908 3 жыл бұрын

WOW! Great interview. I was engage every second of it. Tom is an excellent interviewer and she is a fascinating guest. I love that, as usual, I have some key takeaways to apply to my own life and relationships! So grateful!

@vaishalivaidya7978 2 жыл бұрын

She is the most amazing speaker, thinker who brings all aspects of us together and how they interplay, right from biology, to evolution, to communities, cultures, beliefs, organisations, our shared and personal history and all of the little nuances that shape the interplay of our relatiinships. We truly need many many more thinkers, speakers like her, like Dr.Mate, Dick Scharwtz, Shefali Tsabary, who go on all levels of the ground to unearth our beautiful fascinating complexities.

@debbiesianturi2505 Жыл бұрын

I believe one thing can kill the relationship of couple, when one of the other keep an old habit such as "A man is a bread winner and a woman only do local duties." Life is change. So I suggest to all couples who need great relationship with their love one, build communication and find the same goal that both of you want to accomplish in life. Compromise is very essential in life.

@priusa8113 2 жыл бұрын

Is Esther French or Russian? Love her accent , knowledge and personality!!! What a gem!!

@maryjanebrant 7 ай бұрын

Such a wonderful presentation. Esther Perel is brilliant.

@maxmd9218 3 жыл бұрын

4 Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse 1) Criticism 2) Neglect 3) Stonewalling 4) Contempt

@maxmd9218 3 жыл бұрын

Sorry. No. 2 is Defensiveness

@BrainSturgeon 3 жыл бұрын

She is brilliant.

@khemaloving4031 Жыл бұрын

This interview was all over the place… but I was somehow able to keep up. Love Esther!

@albertodeulofeu5277 3 жыл бұрын

Wish i learned this stuff when it mattered. I lost the love of my life to pure ignorance of this stuff

@MegaCheese48 3 жыл бұрын

Same here.

@aundreaanderson5670 3 жыл бұрын

I believe many have probably lost the love of their life due to ignorance of Relationships.

@eviebernal2913 8 ай бұрын

Many people have lost these things and stayed together. However, they wouldn’t be any happier single if they couldn’t get someone to give them the validation they need. Sometimes the double edge sword with somebody who doesn’t want to emotionally grow as an individual. At that point you take what you can get. However, if you grow as an individual and they grow as an individual you’d most likely will get past all of these issues. It’s definitely a lot of work. The consistency and the positive treatment of one another makes a relationship absolutely beautiful but it doesn’t make it perfect and it certainly does it make it unsinkable.