The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE

Рет қаралды 54,802,134

7 жыл бұрын

This is the story about the time I robbed a train in Russia with the Russian Mafia.
Go to TheMachine.Movie for updates about #THEMACHINEMOVIE
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#bertkreischer #themachine #russia

Пікірлер: 21 000

@SavageDragon999 4 жыл бұрын

Speech: 1 Charisma: 100 Luck: 100

@justajumpingypsygirl 4 жыл бұрын

If you read Russian fairytales they are never about a hero who is clever or brave. It is always some man who coasts by on his luck and the help of those who are smarter and willing to help.

@davebuchan81 4 жыл бұрын

@@justajumpingypsygirl Ok, I'm going to Russia. Wish me luck lol.

@anthonytarczynski5423 4 жыл бұрын

Hotel: Trivago

@justajumpingypsygirl 4 жыл бұрын

@@davebuchan81 I wish you neither fur nor feather (their equivalent of break a leg)

@james-ud9lp 4 жыл бұрын

Goes to show that you don't need ranks in combat if you have charisma

@robjgolde3221 4 жыл бұрын

“When I was 22 I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here’s how it happened....”- that, my friends, is how you start a story.

@MM-pt9oz 4 жыл бұрын

That is how you start, continue and finish a story. Man has a real gift at telling a story

@OrlandoMGarcia 4 жыл бұрын

welcome to my TED talk

@constancemiller3753 3 жыл бұрын

And that's how he began his senior thesis for the Liberal Arts Teacher. Natch.

@GaijinGuy36 3 жыл бұрын

Almost as good as "No shit, there I was..."

@MalloryNewcomb 3 жыл бұрын

I distinctly remember the first time I watched this three or four years ago & as my memory faded, I mainly just remembered that opening. It was brilliant and people started cheering. It became my new standard for good crowd response

@guitarneverdies99 Жыл бұрын

7 years and 50 million views later and it's now a movie! Congrats Bart krishneil

@StolenMemes323 Жыл бұрын

Burnt Chrysler*

@gameringdudeguy1126 Жыл бұрын

*Bernie Karborizer

@sachidanandprajapati9446 Жыл бұрын

What movie?

@Levi-rr4xc Жыл бұрын

@@sachidanandprajapati9446 the machine

@glocknessmonster115 Жыл бұрын

Barbie Catalytic converter*

@freewiremedia215 10 ай бұрын

I took Russian in college for 4 semesters, I actually did learn a little bit. I had a classmate who went on a trip there, he said he got robbed by some little kids with a gun for cigarettes, and $5 and then afterwards they smoked the cigs they stole from him with him 😂 Then he and a friend got picked up by the police for pissing in the street, got put in the cop car and the cop was just like “meh each of you give me $20.” Then they drank vodka in the patrol car and the cop passed out. Sounds like an interesting place.

@yourfriendlyinternetmeatshield 6 ай бұрын

The morale of the story: sounds like an interesting place. Sweeeeeeet

@Avast3128 5 ай бұрын

Sounds like bullshit, tbh

@madmultiface4656 5 ай бұрын

Russia is a really interesting place to visit. Come to us)

@nicnic8182 4 ай бұрын

yes, and then they went to the bears to refuel a nuclear reactor, and of course they played the balalaika along the way. This is exactly what usually happens with us.

@someguy9607 4 ай бұрын

yes, it was. now it is a much shitty place - the police will just rob you, probably even fuck, you never know for sure, the mafia doesn't exist anymore, at leasе outside the perimeter of Kremlin, only Lenin still so fresh and so clean

@CoRLex-jh5vx 4 жыл бұрын

"Never learned a word" *but you learned the ones that mattered.*

@katarinapenopolis8163 4 жыл бұрын

C.o.R “I fuck cats”

@indiedge3819 4 жыл бұрын

Take the money

@satanmann8023 4 жыл бұрын

I AM THE MACHINE

@joesmith5512 4 жыл бұрын

Fuck that bitch, this is Russia!! 👏

@AndreEdits7 4 жыл бұрын

Fuck off

@matteocastillosensidoni8770 5 жыл бұрын

This is the most Florida shit I’ve ever heard “Florida student joins mafia on field trip”

@no1grenada 5 жыл бұрын

Matteo Castillo Sensidoni wiilcock

@BlackAngus69 5 жыл бұрын

Sounds like gay porn

@blue_shift 5 жыл бұрын

Then gets into trouble for stealing but finds out the police are with him

@prettypettywise6207 5 жыл бұрын

Seems like a normal thing here. ( I’m from Florida)

@ubermenschzarathustra862 5 жыл бұрын

They’re wild

@benbrgr9 10 ай бұрын

This was posted 6 years ago, today me and a buddy are getting hammered and going to watch it as a movie in theatres. Congrats Bert!!

@junkersreview 10 ай бұрын

It was hilarious

@benbrgr9 10 ай бұрын

@Junkers Review ngl best line of the movie mightve been that last "did I do that?"

@InspectorButters4 6 ай бұрын

@@benbrgr9That like cracked me tf up!!! Irina started off as a typical cliche Russian mobster chick, but ended up being hilarious, like a female Bert with a darker sense of humor and who enjoys murdering people!!! The movie was 10x better than I expected, congrats Bert Bert!

@invisibl3enemy Жыл бұрын

The fact that this story is being made into a feature film, is just amazing.

@anshuuu9708 Жыл бұрын

What?? Really

@invisibl3enemy Жыл бұрын

@@anshuuu9708 yeah bro search "The Machine" red band trailer. Looks amazing 😂

@bigbird4481 Жыл бұрын

@@invisibl3enemy I didn't know about this special until I saw a trailer lol

@Fiveash-Art 11 ай бұрын

It'll be just as bad as this stand up.

@yeehaw3792 10 ай бұрын

Is it really "amazing" though?

@MrEyes-xh4bb 4 жыл бұрын

bert: **loves his family and is extremely loyal to his wife and children** also bert: **joins the mafia**

@6666Imperator 4 жыл бұрын

mafia is like family though so it all works out! :D

@cralixthegameking4408 4 жыл бұрын

Family and mafia are like gold and silver

@momsspaghetti9970 4 жыл бұрын

Thats how the mafia works

@jenniferhalleman3839 4 жыл бұрын

the Russian mafia doesn't make it better XD

@cralixthegameking4408 4 жыл бұрын

@@jenniferhalleman3839 mafia and family are still like gold and silver

@loganblackmun5822 3 жыл бұрын

This is what happens when you make a 1 intelligence, 10 charisma character

@rimurutempest4945 3 жыл бұрын

20*

@rajansekhar3750 3 жыл бұрын

You mean infinity intelligence?

@jae7145 3 жыл бұрын

@@rajansekhar3750 nah, more like infinite charisma xD

@rajansekhar3750 3 жыл бұрын

@@jae7145 infinite everything

@spoopymug6760 3 жыл бұрын

100 charisma

@Thenewguytcs Жыл бұрын

I think the fact that this is getting turned into a movie/having a sequel made of it is fucking awesome... This is gonna be a lotta fun...

@supacwatkins3038 Ай бұрын

I just watched it last night. I was cracking up the whole time 😂

@elenakelly4806 Жыл бұрын

An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."

@francesdebra6939 Жыл бұрын

Yes, fx and Stock investment, I heard it's very profitable

@stefanmario3733 Жыл бұрын

Yes, true but I don't know anything about it.

@natashamike9152 Жыл бұрын

I have heard so much about Stock how does it work

@maestrojolly5851 Жыл бұрын

Did i hear someone say forex ?

@maestrojolly5851 Жыл бұрын

Do you believe I invested £4,000 and got paid £51,070 in seven days?

@valdencorr2861 4 жыл бұрын

This is probably the best tourism ad I've seen for Russia.

@TheMrKMen 4 жыл бұрын

Sorry the 90s are over, the mafia is gone.😭

@ethansolan7465 4 жыл бұрын

@@TheMrKMen Mafia isn't gone at all man.

@TheMrKMen 4 жыл бұрын

@@ethansolan7465 The point is that in the 90s the police did not work, but now it works. There was a kind of anarchy. I mean, in St. Petersburg you could easily get a grenade out the window. Now all the basic institutions of the state are working.

@matthewwhite8078 4 жыл бұрын

Booking flight now!

@cardorcash 4 жыл бұрын

K-Men the mafia is in the government now. Сейчас бандиты в правительстве.

@kams8759 5 жыл бұрын

Bert: Lv1 Crook **says "I am the Machine"** Bert: Lv40 Mob boss

@anthalisp5790 5 жыл бұрын

Just Call Me Sköll that’s how mafia works

@jakethefinn2353 5 жыл бұрын

Dead

@redandblueflower8585 5 жыл бұрын

That's- Ah, shit

@sued_ 5 жыл бұрын

Pop that

@Red-le7qo 5 жыл бұрын

Just Call Me Sköll No Mob Boss Fucking Level 1,000, 000, 000, 000 ,000 !!!!

@portlandsamber 6 ай бұрын

I have hated on Bert and refused to hear this story. But now I'm double screening with The Machine on it's Netflix debut and Holy Moly. 54 million views? Okay Bert. You get props for that.

@brianquinn8570 Жыл бұрын

7 years ago, one incredible story blew up the Internet. Now it's a movie

@kamikazeeOG 4 жыл бұрын

I imagine Bert visiting Russia one day and getting to shake hands with Putin. Only to have Putin lean in and say "So I hear YOU'RE the Machine".

@Roystothecoolkid 4 жыл бұрын

Lmao

@jaredreid3347 4 жыл бұрын

Yes!!

@joshblank4579 4 жыл бұрын

BRO THIS WOULD BRING WORLD PEACE

@kamikazeeOG 4 жыл бұрын

@@joshblank4579 And Hillary tries to show up and ruin shit with her 'liberal arts confidence' but Putin just boots her and says. "Fuck that bitch; This is Russia!" 😂🤣😂🤣

@alfonsocasillas8672 4 жыл бұрын

That would be so fucking awesome!

@KingKsEDC 4 жыл бұрын

"Liberal Arts confidence" was the most underrated thing about the story.

@tfwthelsdkicksin6083 4 жыл бұрын

Somebody please explain.

@louismendez7961 4 жыл бұрын

@@tfwthelsdkicksin6083 teachers with an English major (damn Democrats) are the most cocky people you'll ever meet.

@Bittebitte_gib_mir_gift 4 жыл бұрын

Agree

@DandDskeeto 3 жыл бұрын

No doubt

@TheTrevler 3 жыл бұрын

Not even underrated. Hardest thing to exaggerate in any story ever.

@911maelstrom Жыл бұрын

The Machine and Mark Hamill bringing this story to the big screen?? I'm in!

@Edward_Nebiolo Жыл бұрын

Me too!

@ricksundberg5659 Жыл бұрын

"So close I could smell his morning cigarette"...This is a great storyteller. Can't wait for the movie.

@KatKitKay 4 жыл бұрын

Imagine he visits Russia again after all these years and he’s just walking down the street and hears someone scream “THE MACHINE” and boom it’s igor

@Zappygunshot 4 жыл бұрын

Wait, which one? Igor, Igor or Igor?

@Itsssameee 4 жыл бұрын

@@Zappygunshot He means Igor, not Igor or Igor

@Itsssameee 4 жыл бұрын

@Trying get to Heavens Gate & cop some Nike Decades Igor and not Igor or Igor? Nah man I think it's Igor.

@firebreathercat133 4 жыл бұрын

Ya'll are tripping he's obviously talking about Igor not Igor and he's obviously not talking about Igor, that guy's a fucking nutcase.

@plumberdash9729 4 жыл бұрын

I think its igor

@tweetiepie551 4 жыл бұрын

As a Scottish person I can. Confirm that any language can be learned in days with the assistance of excessive alcohol.

@donaldgrant4931 4 жыл бұрын

tweetie pie really?

@tweetiepie551 4 жыл бұрын

@@donaldgrant4931 yes really.

@mssparkie81 4 жыл бұрын

😂😂😂

@MrWongWey 4 жыл бұрын

@@tweetiepie551 weed too?

@tweetiepie551 4 жыл бұрын

@@MrWongWey no sorry weed is useless for anything academic.

@XanderHD 9 ай бұрын

A couple years later and he has a MOVIE, so glad to see how successful he became!

@IdeaOfTheDayCom Жыл бұрын

Looking forward to the new movie!

@leone4238 4 жыл бұрын

Somewhere in Russia, The Bratva is watching this screaming “THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE” and going shot for shot remembering the golden days of the machine!

@romanpuglia 4 жыл бұрын

1k like

@leone4238 4 жыл бұрын

FaDe im honestly suprised that it got this many! Thanks to everyone who liked it!

@JohnWick-hj4ep 4 жыл бұрын

I'm a friend of oliver quinn

@cyrace4308 4 жыл бұрын

yo oly shit im the 2K

@pseico315 4 жыл бұрын

Unless they died in a turf war

@havennott7384 3 жыл бұрын

Imagine his daughters being like "uh dad theres a man named igor at the door asking for the machine!?"

@kyriakosnikolaidis5368 2 жыл бұрын

that's the post credits scene

@amitir22 2 жыл бұрын

omg.

@toddwalling4506 2 жыл бұрын

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@anti1training 2 жыл бұрын

Oh you know that's coming hahahaha

@stalinbeballin9711 2 жыл бұрын

"To this day a large group of Russian Mafia, even those in prison, share the legend of The Machine, their very best young member they've ever had. They say he drank 100 Vodka bottles, simply stating his name and his conquest of great felines. After switching to the Moscow Mafia, as his class went there, he used his resources to befriend them as well- for the word of The Machine had spread. They had already prepared appropriate drink for such a man, and they had plans. After telling off a snobby English teacher (for this is Russia, fuck English teachers), the group, with The Machine acting quite famously, brazenly robbed the train. Even the cops were not immune to The Machine's charm, for they decided to drink with The Machine.

@slackerofhell Жыл бұрын

This is the first story I ever heard from Bert Kreischer and afterwards I hunted down any special or clip of him I could. The situations he gets himself into are pure gold.

@mrfacestab5758 Жыл бұрын

“Seven years ago, one incredible story blew up the internet.”

@crimsonwolf1982 3 жыл бұрын

All made sense when he said "I went to school at Florida State"

@AxxLAfriku 3 жыл бұрын

This is super confusing to me: Why do I have TWO amazingly attractive girlfriends even though I am the unprettiest KZfaqr EVER? Good night dear wolf

@maoutan945 3 жыл бұрын

@@AxxLAfriku bruh

@AMG-316 3 жыл бұрын

Bro, I thought that made him at least, "street GanGsta" right there? Lol😎😶✌

@jasondriver9982 3 жыл бұрын

Best time in college was at FSU...

@hategoes2way345 3 жыл бұрын

You're a meme now. I took screenshots

@jamesdavis1236 3 жыл бұрын

Some old Russians are probably like “see comrades, he is real”

@wildflo267 3 жыл бұрын

This made my day!

@Ginger-vl5yo 3 жыл бұрын

Смотрите, товарищи, машина настоящая! 😂 just walk up to your Дедушка and say do you know the machine? Wait for his response

@Bone_Muncher 3 жыл бұрын

@@Ginger-vl5yo Привет товарищ

@Ginger-vl5yo 3 жыл бұрын

@@Bone_Muncher привет товарищ

@derkzyyy6566 3 жыл бұрын

@@Ginger-vl5yo translation: hello comrade

@Bgarcia-1097 10 ай бұрын

Watched "The Machine" in theaters (May 26th). It was absolutely hilarious, and this story still continues to make me laugh. 😂😂😂😂 Please do yourself a favor and go watch the film.

@corncobjohnsonreal Жыл бұрын

I like how he can't come up with jokes so he just has to live a crazy life and hope something wild happens so he can retell it ♥️♥️♥️

@mikhailzaruykin663 3 жыл бұрын

The machine is an urban legend where I grew up

@Lump37 3 жыл бұрын

can you elaborate?

@mikhailzaruykin663 3 жыл бұрын

@@Lump37 It would be an honour to get an autograph from The Machine

@Lump37 3 жыл бұрын

@@mikhailzaruykin663 alright, but can you tell more of what exactly this urban legend about him is about?

@mikhailzaruykin663 3 жыл бұрын

@@Lump37 They say The Machine can smell premium vodka from a mile away

@mikhailzaruykin663 3 жыл бұрын

@@Lump37 They say, after The Machine freestyled against a bear, the bear needed counselling

@crusty_ 3 жыл бұрын

Name: The Machine Strength:4 Perception:5 Endurance:8 Charisma:5 Intelligence:1 Agility:2 Luck:9

@savageshot3723 2 жыл бұрын

I truly appreciate this comment. Thanks for the laugh man

@trayznthememecollector4412 2 жыл бұрын

I’m actually going to try this build, what type of weapons should I use

@gigiachaddicus2424 2 жыл бұрын

@@trayznthememecollector4412 "this machine" assault rifle

@crusty_ 2 жыл бұрын

@@trayznthememecollector4412 this is actually a speech check build and my recommended weapon is the 5.56mm pistol/that gun

@doom5358 2 жыл бұрын

@@trayznthememecollector4412 whatever weopons your given or told to take

@thehappyaipom6302 Жыл бұрын

Here rewatching to relive the glory after the movie trailer dropped. Congrats! I'm excited for it.

@freya002 11 ай бұрын

And the fact this is now a movie is insane

@OlgaDrebas 3 жыл бұрын

Him being shirtless added to his overall pretty “russian” looks i think.

@allenja0 3 жыл бұрын

He didn't do that till he started doing comedy.

@leoanhermon 3 жыл бұрын

I think that's the point

@dumbshitmule2251 3 жыл бұрын

He D O E S N' T C H E A T on his W I F E ! ! !

@kodecrain4077 3 жыл бұрын

That's what I'm saying

@loganroca 3 жыл бұрын

Idk what it is but it just kinda works for him

@sweatty_spaghetti 3 жыл бұрын

“I went to school at *Florida State”* Me: *oh yeah...it’s all coming together.*

@melinavdw342 3 жыл бұрын

Somebody explain for the non-Americans please

@melinavdw342 3 жыл бұрын

@1manuscriptman thanks! Now I get it haha

@morganrunnels8889 3 жыл бұрын

Yep. Pretty much

@unicornluver467 3 жыл бұрын

@@melinavdw342 Florida has a reputation for being "the crazy state" in the US. Part of it is because our arrest records are publically available, so anytime there is a slow news day anywhere in the country, they might publish the latest variation on "Florida man arrested for throwing alligator through Wendy's drivethru window"

@N4p0100 3 жыл бұрын

@@melinavdw342 If a train-wreck college student was a person, that would be Florida

@PeiceofNick Жыл бұрын

The fact this whole story is now being brought to the big sceen blows my mind still.

@Doughy_in_the_Middle 10 ай бұрын

I love Bert. This movie was every single bit as hysterical as I hoped. If you plan on going to see this movie, and you're taking anyone who is anywhere from simply "disliking" Bert to even as much as "meh" about Bert, leave them the hell home. They might chuckle, they might laugh, but they won't TRUELY appreciate it. If you love his comedy, you will love every minute of this movie. I have watched every special of Bert's. I've watched The Machine bit at least a dozen times. My son (22) and daughter (19) have been watching him with me for years (and I took both of them to see it with me of course). Hell, I made an NPC for our D&D campaign specifically based on "The Machine" as a character who is one of the absolute favorites of any NPC I've ever made. The flashbacks of the original bit were followed near-perfectly (I'd have to watch it again to see which parts were adjusted to fit in the film plot). The slight alterations to the original plot to fit with the current story were just crazy enough to blend in. I was prepared for the humor, but I was not prepared for the level of action going on. The fight scenes were like watching Jackie Chan or Samo Hung fight if they were a overweight, middle-aged man with a receding hairline who had no martial art skills but was REALLY well choreographed and/or had a stunt double. I also wasn't prepared for all the touching moments. Let's be real: no one has a "normal family" and Bert's comedy act points that fact out. So in this movie, it didn't even attempt to try and fluff it up to make it seem normal. Watching it with my now adult son and daughter a couple weeks before Father's Day (intentional???) was just icing on the cake. I would go see this again easily in a theater. I will buy this when it comes out so I can watch it whenever I want. It was every bit as hysterical as his standup routine which I still need to make some day. Machine, it was an honor to share popcorn with my kids during your movie.

@Oogidahboogidah 4 ай бұрын

Oh so you’re the one guy who watched the movie

@TJEversII 3 ай бұрын

I hope you weren’t too weirded out being one of the 5 people that saw it. This unfunny garbage lost millions of dollars

@Doughy_in_the_Middle 3 ай бұрын

Both of you guys should go watch a Brie Larson movie. Seems more like your style.

@Oogidahboogidah 3 ай бұрын

@@Doughy_in_the_Middle yeah coz if you don’t like fat unfunny losers with a shit laugh and boring stories, you must like Brie Larson movies. There is no in between.

@dreeno2382 5 жыл бұрын

Please make this a movie

@abartons2 5 жыл бұрын

Dreeno 🙌

@kathalacy1894 5 жыл бұрын

They did. It's called Van Wilder, I think.

@TJ_CrXss 5 жыл бұрын

Seth Rogan playing as Bert Kreisher

@ihy_btw3597 5 жыл бұрын

heck yeah!!!😲🔥

@amirjoamis6193 5 жыл бұрын

Only seth rogen could play this role

@unwantedattention9321 4 жыл бұрын

I wonder if any of the Russian mob is watching this like, “ ah yes, the machine, cool dude”

@yayydesuu3949 3 жыл бұрын

Its weird that i read this in a russian accent..

@monsternepal9562 3 жыл бұрын

@@yayydesuu3949 lol

@vasamaric1243 3 жыл бұрын

Kada bi ta prica bila stvarna .

@simplyonehellofa.2854 3 жыл бұрын

Anna Hakatori same🤣

@yahorsinkevich4451 3 жыл бұрын

We're here, Watching. Now we know how the Machine legend was born.

@crou8040 10 ай бұрын

How have I never heard this story??? I love Rogan and all his cronies, and I've never heard "the machine." I feel as though I have brought shame to my family. This is perhaps one of the top five greatest stand-up stories I've ever heard. Bravo.

@junkersreview 10 ай бұрын

The movie was somehow more entertaining

@spartan0013 Жыл бұрын

From comedy act to movie, what a great time to be alive!!!!

@fathomgathergood7690 3 жыл бұрын

"I'm learning the language my way, not with flashcards but by joining the mafia." Submersion the best way lol

@kylemcspadden1550 3 жыл бұрын

Good God, as a linguist and foreign language teacher, the fact that you said submersion instead of immersion while this dude was drowning himself in liquor while learning russian is one of the funniest puns ive heard in years, thank you

@davidluck3539 2 жыл бұрын

Joining the mafia, hooked-on-phonics style 😆

@daryl4307 2 жыл бұрын

Immersive af

@SCP096. 2 жыл бұрын

Time to join the polish mafia

@anonymousstout4759 2 жыл бұрын

Dang you linguists I can't fully immersed myself to the subtlety humour of the joke

@jeffery9543 3 жыл бұрын

Florida man takes school trip to Russia and joins the Russian mafia and ends up becoming local legend, despite not knowing Russian.

@KevinSmith-gu9ks 3 жыл бұрын

That’s how we Floridians roll

@terra_the_nightingale135 3 жыл бұрын

@@KevinSmith-gu9ks next time one of us will try to sneak in a gator

@ninjarebangbang 3 жыл бұрын

I could believe that headline honestly

@andreymontag 3 жыл бұрын

It's a common knowledge in Russia that enough vodka breaks the language barriers

@KevinSmith-gu9ks 3 жыл бұрын

@@terra_the_nightingale135 nah try and nab the elusive Florida man!

@simpleboy3457 Жыл бұрын

Seen this live in Glasgow the other day Bert topk the roof of the place.... The Machine..... Can't wait to see the Movie.

@sebastianday3243 4 жыл бұрын

When he said ☆○#👟, I felt that.

@ryankasik7911 4 жыл бұрын

Right lmal

@MadaraUchiha-mv2hn 4 жыл бұрын

# mood

@ShokkaReacts 4 жыл бұрын

Star O hashoe?? Is that what you meant ?

@user-zb9ow6du6c 4 жыл бұрын

BaseManPranks if you watched 2 minutes of the video you’d get it

@ShokkaReacts 4 жыл бұрын

@@user-zb9ow6du6c I watched the whole damn video man I just didn't get what this guy wrote with the Emojis

@Alvy.07 4 жыл бұрын

“Florida man robs train and joins Russian mafia during school field trip”

@jimhutcho1083 4 жыл бұрын

Seems about right for Florida man

@imafraidjumitebeinagang 4 жыл бұрын

Florida people doing stupid incredible shit isnt just a meme anymore

@michaelsieger9133 4 жыл бұрын

Crashinator where do you think the meme comes from?

@jttekton 4 жыл бұрын

@@imafraidjumitebeinagang He is The Machine.

@deathball5083 4 жыл бұрын

Hugh Mungus and no charges were on him

@alextaylor29 10 ай бұрын

Thanks to KZfaq’s algorithms seeing this for the first time. Will see this movie this week!

@slpy.flower Жыл бұрын

i am genuinely in love with this and wish i heard about it sooner!! 😭

@LuckySketches 4 жыл бұрын

Moral of the story: confidence gets you everywhere, especially if you're in the business of making friends and not enemies.

@Bancheis 4 жыл бұрын

And you can hold your liquor. Don't forget that part. Very important here.

@Chedda3000music 4 жыл бұрын

Bancheis yes, people overlook the importance of being able to hold your liquor.

@Evected 4 жыл бұрын

chedda 3000 why is it important

@HybridAngel 4 жыл бұрын

Allan Falaise looks like you’ve overlooked the importance

@lonelyscarygirl 4 жыл бұрын

@@Chedda3000music Well I'm fucked. I got dizzy from white wine.

@zinoxechill 4 жыл бұрын

In America, we have Laws In Russia they have Russia

@thepoisonkid2483 4 жыл бұрын

In Russia we have laws as well, it's just that...laws can be adapted to circumstances, money, power, the convict status... :)

@liharin2975 4 жыл бұрын

When law isn't trusted it's time to get funky

@thornthornthorne4531 4 жыл бұрын

@@thepoisonkid2483 Communism. Ya 💪

@thepoisonkid2483 4 жыл бұрын

@@thornthornthorne4531 As a matter of fact, not a sigle country in the world history has EVER been communist, according to the Karl Marx theory described in "Capital". socialist at best. If anyone wants to make fun of me, read the damn thing before.

@thornthornthorne4531 4 жыл бұрын

@@thepoisonkid2483 Not ONCE have I made fun of you or your damn country. Start an argument with someone who gives a fuck.

@glassspyders 11 ай бұрын

I love this story. I think about this story all the time now! Sure gets my mind clear! The Machine!!!

@johnl3624 Жыл бұрын

I've watched this over and over for years wishing that there would be a movie and today I almost pissed myself laughing when I seen the movie trailer for The Machine!!!!! Yes yes yes it's finally happening!!!!!

@Doom_Guy__ 5 жыл бұрын

In America you follow the rules. In Russia the rules follow you.

@ds7900 5 жыл бұрын

lol...it's like the Wild West.

@donte339 5 жыл бұрын

Comrade Pepe Am i the only one that read the Russia line in a Russian accent

@explosivefreak666 5 жыл бұрын

Comrade Pepe : Russia is the Chuck Norris of countries.!

@explosivefreak666 5 жыл бұрын

Inkoy : No, you are not... (Aso said with accent).. :)

@cornybeef 5 жыл бұрын

DR Stock but cold

@ghostman3029 3 жыл бұрын

This story is actually real his classmates confirmed it and there are some photos of him and Igor on the internet

@onerandombruh 3 жыл бұрын

Them comrades' livers are still hurting from that encounter with The Machine.

@creativeape8994 3 жыл бұрын

Is it actually real ?:0

@onerandombruh 3 жыл бұрын

@@creativeape8994 as far as I know, the only debatable thing from the whole story is he being involved with the Russian mob, but then again, the Internet has so much info about it that it's complicated to know what's true or not...

@itsyug1034 3 жыл бұрын

@@creativeape8994 yep there are pics and a whole reddit thread

@RajveerSingh-zb1wp 3 жыл бұрын

@@itsyug1034 link?

@jamesblake8788 Жыл бұрын

This is perhaps my favorite personal story from a comedian… just epic… the delivery felt like reminiscing with old friends

@Intrinsety Жыл бұрын

The fact that this is getting a movie now is insane!

@PeterGoodnStiff 4 жыл бұрын

“i was in college longer than grunge music was around.” best. analogy. ever.

@squeat675 4 жыл бұрын

he cracked himself up over it 🤣

@rrt4511 4 жыл бұрын

You wrote anal orgy wrong

@mistadeepweb5300 4 жыл бұрын

What's grunge music

@ev5837 4 жыл бұрын

I love it so much when people laugh at their own jokes.

@solanatravis6807 4 жыл бұрын

Fucking perfect 👌🏾

@michaelm5601 8 ай бұрын

My favorite thing is his comfort with being out of his shirt. This is the opposite if shame. Bert thanks

@shawnking6650 10 ай бұрын

I love, Bert! For some reason, this video over, took my telephone, as there was brainlessly scrolling through KZfaq! Then, again, for absolutely no reason this video started playing. Thank you universe.

@trippycoolio3608 2 жыл бұрын

Bert is kinda like Groot “What’s your name?” “I am the Machine” “Ok, where are you from?” “I am the Machine”

@carterwilliam6351 2 жыл бұрын

They were probably like you know what he’s got beer and he looks fun

@CEOofgoblins 2 жыл бұрын

"This little frat pimp squeak is the machine?" "Yeah, that's the machine." "You're damn right he's the machine, we're getting hammered tonight." Bert is just sitting there like HELL YEAH IM THE FUCKIN MACHINE!

@Wildmoonchildani94 2 жыл бұрын

We are the machine

@Heidegaff 2 жыл бұрын

Russian gangstars, to this day, must be like "His vocabulistics is limited to "I" and "am" and "the" and "Machine", exclusively in that order."

@sbgsledgegames7887 2 жыл бұрын

@@Wildmoonchildani94 We Comrade

@weempwomp8256 5 жыл бұрын

This is my first time watching this guy and while he's explaining the story its hard to imagine him with a shirt on

@legoobi-wan5417 5 жыл бұрын

The paradox started:welcome to the timmy-verse

@aspebb 5 жыл бұрын

@@legoobi-wan5417 *TIMMY*

@aspebb 5 жыл бұрын

*TIMMY*

@adamthestimator 5 жыл бұрын

Now that you mention it, throughout the entirety of the story i pictured him shirtless...because that's all I know of this man...and it just *seems* right...

@d0lldaddy 5 жыл бұрын

Deadass

@carterross3654 Жыл бұрын

The fact they are making this a movie I can't wait

@orryyang8846 9 ай бұрын

The machine movie is so fun to watch, haven’t watched another movie like this for years, I really wish it makes another one

@badandy102 3 жыл бұрын

If he ever goes back to Russia, I can imagine Putin pulling him aside and saying, "It would be an honor to have a shot with the machine"

@00BillyTorontoBill 3 жыл бұрын

he would...

@pufferfishlord9473 3 жыл бұрын

yes haha

@thisreplysection1050 3 жыл бұрын

i wanna drink shots with Putin once

@blacklivesmattersucks 3 жыл бұрын

I could see it 😂

@wabai_879 3 жыл бұрын

Hell yeah

@gabo4613 4 жыл бұрын

I’m a Russian and my grandpa was in the mob and he told me about the machine , I didn’t believe him until now Disclaimer : this is not true I’m just trying to make peoples day a bit better

@Pp-lu9tx 4 жыл бұрын

How it would work now “The Machine was a legend” “Ok, boomer”

@gabo4613 4 жыл бұрын

Deadass bro

@Kenny-rl8zj 4 жыл бұрын

Im amazed. i got here because of tik tok post of a clip of a comedian searched him saw 4 more videos and finished here its 3:40 am and im here listening to a guy saying a cool as story

@HauntedOath 4 жыл бұрын

@@Pp-lu9tx Best response to "ok boomer" is "go eat a tide pod millennial"

@gabo4613 4 жыл бұрын

10-4 dinosaur

@thegreatlonewolf9749 Жыл бұрын

Can't wait for the movie!

@jasonregan365 10 ай бұрын

Can’t wait to see the movie

@nh8489 4 жыл бұрын

Best underrated quote "I learned the language not by flashcards and textbooks, but by joining the mafia"

@tylerwedell3750 3 жыл бұрын

You know what i can relate to that. I could barely learn Spanish from textbooks in school. I learned by listening too my co workers

@mrssiordia06 3 жыл бұрын

Same. I learned more Spanish from my first job in a fast food joint than I did from 3 years in school.

@jitgod1405 3 жыл бұрын

@@tylerwedell3750 its cause to really learn a language u need tobe surounded by people that speak it

@pmm4177 3 жыл бұрын

His russian sentence made me laugh until I hurt, I speak russian and knew exactly what he said before he repeated it in english lmfao

@darmokatyoutubeleavingcomm3422 Жыл бұрын

Why is it * that he couldn't speak a single word of Russian for the first few years he told this story?

@mrr9344 10 ай бұрын

Can’t wait to see this story in the movie

@gamergoneretro7898 9 ай бұрын

i watched this video 5 years ago. and recently i watched the movie. Man this guy is a legend!!

@loganeasley4343 4 жыл бұрын

I can’t be the only one who wants to hear the other stories he has, like the pool hall scam and the boat theft.

@reverendglitch 3 жыл бұрын

He sold the story to a studio that's making it a movie, we'll get to see a lot more of it

@robertwilsoncastro7155 3 жыл бұрын

@@reverendglitch any link or name of it so i can see?

@reverendglitch 3 жыл бұрын

@@robertwilsoncastro7155 Not much on it yet, Legendary got the rights to it at the end of 2019, we've got a time to wait but they're having Bert as one of the executive producers so hopefully it'll stick close to his original telling

@MalloryNewcomb 3 жыл бұрын

Yeah I want to hear those stories... because what if they are even better stories

@Random_hero66 3 жыл бұрын

He said on the Joe rogan experience the boat theft was supposed to be a boat trip with the school but Russians didn't want to pay to rent a boat so they stole one

@xxturbanboyxxful 5 жыл бұрын

'Florida man robs self with Russian Mafi'

@storminnorman7563 4 жыл бұрын

whats a mafi

@SethBergile 4 жыл бұрын

...this week on The Onion Radio News.

@Xehemoth 4 жыл бұрын

LMAO I find it amazing you have 1.8k likes and only two replies. ONLY TWO REPLIES from two idiots who didn't get the joke. god damn you deserve an award for this one. best comment of 2019

@imacookieboichocchip8819 4 жыл бұрын

stormin norman mafia you product of incest

@thomaswoody468 Жыл бұрын

And now there's a movie!

@bZgtHeSTD 6 ай бұрын

The greatest story ever told

@meliSsa-vd6yn 3 жыл бұрын

This story needs to become a movie

@thetrickster6828 3 жыл бұрын

Funny you say that

@370zLogan 3 жыл бұрын

@@thetrickster6828 😂

@nightrose6116 2 жыл бұрын

@@thetrickster6828 wait is it actually a movie

@thetrickster6828 2 жыл бұрын

@@nightrose6116 their making one

@hayley6006 2 жыл бұрын

@@thetrickster6828 name

@rotsu2108 4 жыл бұрын

"liberal arts confidence" im crying

@Grumpy_old_Boot 4 жыл бұрын

The best part is, that I have known several women that were **just** like that !! 🤣

@alial-smadi8796 4 жыл бұрын

LMAO

@readsomebooks666 4 жыл бұрын

And now we have the answer! Spit vodka in their face and say: “Fuck that bitch, this is Russia.”

@hopehasnoplacehereabandona3068 4 жыл бұрын

Bro....yes....dying!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@dolantrimp1691 10 ай бұрын

Looking forward to seeing his movie.

@ombricshalazar3869 8 ай бұрын

the best way to learn a language is immersing yourself in the culture and environment no wonder bert instantly picked up so much

@0tu0tu62 3 жыл бұрын

If this were literally ANYWHERE ELSE I wouldn't believe a single word he said, but this is Russia we're talking about.

@omarsameh7103 3 жыл бұрын

0tu 0tu not to mention he is a florida man

@whateverlolawants 3 жыл бұрын

OMG, my friend's stories about her semester in Russia are some of the most insane I have ever heard.

@neo7538 3 жыл бұрын

yeah, fck that bitch

@Fmanzo10 3 жыл бұрын

Oh there are pictures out there. It’s all true, right. Down to the fanny pack he was wearing.

@armouredjester1622 3 жыл бұрын

@@Fmanzo10 Holy shit there are pictures

@meganmurphy8151 3 жыл бұрын

My boyfriends dad is in the Russian mafia. He’s heard of the machine😂

@muhammadscott1488 3 жыл бұрын

Oh shit

@Motorhead2168 3 жыл бұрын

His pics with Igor n Igor are online 👍

@eduard_0024 3 жыл бұрын

@@Motorhead2168 were do I find them? HAHAHAHA

@Motorhead2168 3 жыл бұрын

@@eduard_0024 look up his name and russian mafia...its funny cause he really had a fanny pack 😂

@eduard_0024 3 жыл бұрын

@@Motorhead2168 i have just checked them out HAHAHAHA

@NMartin2u 11 ай бұрын

This story/joke never get stale for me ...funny as hell every frickin time..lmbo😁

@natakhavan Жыл бұрын

That's brilliant....loved it! That wud b the most awesome school/college trip EVER when ur still quite young...I'd have absolutely loved that happening at that time, in that scenario!

@Funstun-yk7oo 3 жыл бұрын

He is literally confessing to a train robbery and he can, because what is the government going to do to The Machine?

@andresherrera2902 3 жыл бұрын

Different country

@MOMOFCJ6 3 жыл бұрын

What are they gonna do it's the machine

@RMSLtnick 3 жыл бұрын

Different country and like 15 years ago

@RMSLtnick 3 жыл бұрын

Correction 25 years ago

@onerandombruh 3 жыл бұрын

They will enjoy some shots with The Machine.

@rambo8710 3 жыл бұрын

Some dude:"IM THE MACHINE" Russian Gangsters: "HES THE MACHINE!"

@Ouroboros_609 3 жыл бұрын

Sorry I ruined your 420 likes

@rambo8710 3 жыл бұрын

@@Ouroboros_609 i didnt even know i reached that many like until now that i am at 591 likes

@Prometheus-fc4rm 3 жыл бұрын

Guys in next room: tf is happening over there

@transferegg 2 жыл бұрын

@@Ouroboros_609 u bastard innit

@thatdrumguyagain 2 жыл бұрын

yes, i remember that.

@JohnC420. 11 ай бұрын

Just seen their making a movie about this can't wait to watch it

@michaelangeles6870 Жыл бұрын

CANT WAIT FOR THE MOVIE!!!

@G.F.SF55 3 жыл бұрын

As a person who lives in Russia I can confirm that events he described 100% could've happened in the 90's

@arihantpratapsingh6268 2 жыл бұрын

I don't know anything But WHY ??

@arihantpratapsingh6268 2 жыл бұрын

And What is it means "MACHINE" ??

@vladimirproulx6343 2 жыл бұрын

@@arihantpratapsingh6268 well machina in russian means car ( at least that's how it's mostly referred to)

@arihantpratapsingh6268 2 жыл бұрын

@@vladimirproulx6343 ooo Thankz Mate

@artsq1550 2 жыл бұрын

@@arihantpratapsingh6268 not only "car", but also "machine", like one of those huge 40-meters drills, or an engine and etc. Usually when somebody's saying "he's a mcahine" that means "he's strong/tough/enduring". As for "why" question... well, 90-s were transfer period. People were both confused and overwhelmed with new information and merchandise that flown here in eraly 90's. And mafia was really in charge almost everywhere, so they felt powerful and could do really weird stuff.

@IgorRyltsev 2 жыл бұрын

I was told you are the machine?!

@jakobwithak8519 2 жыл бұрын

HES THE MACHINE

@tsrmmercy836 2 жыл бұрын

HES NOT THE MACHINE HES STEALING THE IMAGE FROM THE REAL MACHINE

@dema669 2 жыл бұрын

MACHINE

@novaalkronthe1st910 2 жыл бұрын

OMG ITS IGOR

@IgorRyltsev 2 жыл бұрын

@Rafael orozco , I'm almost always without a shirt at home. I learned it from the MACHINE!

@leecrowder4934 10 ай бұрын

Just saw the movie the other day and loved it. Will be going again…..

@radiofacevoiceoverer839 Жыл бұрын

I keep watching this once or twice a year and it still makes me laugh.

@Dylan-py2fw 3 жыл бұрын

“I never learned a word” *starts speaking Russian less than a minute later*

@60secondhistory9 3 жыл бұрын

To be fair, he didn’t learn it in class

@sylph8005 3 жыл бұрын

@@60secondhistory9 Yeah. He learned it through the Mafia

@Arel_Kursat 3 жыл бұрын

Which he explained later in the story

@ihatecops. 3 жыл бұрын

well it’s a fake story

@sylph8005 3 жыл бұрын

@@ihatecops. Okay. We can still enjoy it

@GladiatorNL-pd7ut 3 жыл бұрын

They should turn this story into a movie.

@mizobannana5119 3 жыл бұрын

They actually are making one

@lunaticfringe2763 3 жыл бұрын

National Lampoon Van Wilder is based off of him lol

@alamafc6433 3 жыл бұрын

What’s it called

@acycle2124 3 жыл бұрын

This would be such a great comedy

@PolarFlix 3 жыл бұрын

OMG YES!! i literally cant stop thinking abt it now

@richardm7181 Жыл бұрын

This story is magnificent

@karmas1772 Жыл бұрын

Can’t wait for the movie to release

@yubipuni2812 3 жыл бұрын

i can see his kids just saying to their bullies "my dad is in the mafia. have ever heard of the MACHINE"

@luvs4maryaaam 3 жыл бұрын

OMG your pfp is so cuteee 🥺🙌

@giantskeleton2 3 жыл бұрын

"Aye man we were just joking"

@ericcire1558 2 жыл бұрын

"Understandable have a great day"

@ericcire1558 2 жыл бұрын

Yo thanks for the like

@ishanganguli6062 2 жыл бұрын

Y'all with your keqing pfps Jean is better

@jonathanvaillancourt5593 3 жыл бұрын

Nobody: Duolingo sentences: _I am the machine_

@NobodyNowhereKnowhow 3 жыл бұрын

God damn it, why does everybody keep quoting me saying nothing? It was just something I said to a friend in passing and now it’s everywhere.

@chineseduckscriedinladakh3760 3 жыл бұрын

1 k like

@W3B1Youtube 3 жыл бұрын

Я Машина

@EmulatorNoob 3 жыл бұрын

@@W3B1KZfaq I am a car

@makharadzemakharadze5032 3 жыл бұрын

@@philjack8535 lol I didn't thought of that it makes more sense

@25pointsBnF Жыл бұрын

Finally made into a movie ! ❤️