Even if you do everything they want, it still doesn’t work. Eventually the narc looks at you as a pathetic weak person for bending over backwards for them. It’s never going to work no matter what you do. You deserve better than being w a narc. Take good care of you❤️
@Kat-zl8pz2 жыл бұрын
Sad but true
@vanessaspeaks2 жыл бұрын
Very true
@recoveringsoul7552 жыл бұрын
Correct, they don't LOVE anyone or anything including themselves. The doctor got this one wrong. They use whatever tools they can to manipulate, coerce, scare you into obedience and behaving the way they want. If using "I love you" as a manipulation tool works, that's the tool they use. If it doesn't work they may use different words, make a promise they will break, triangulate you, give you a gift, bring flowers, yell, threaten, or get physical. Whatever tool works on YOU is what they do. If you resist their first demand that you change your behavior to do something for them, they will try different words. We normal people want love, so saying those lying words to us sometimes works. When we realize we don't FEEL loved, or safe, and the words don't work, the worse forms of manipulation start, but they still bring out their old favorite about love, something they don't even know what that means. Like in The Princess Bride, "Inconceivable!" And the other characters say "I don't think that word means what you think it means". The word Love means one thing to us, but is just a tool for them to control us
@GG-ul8ne2 жыл бұрын
That's what I experienced with a couple of narcissistic friends I went no-contact with, permanently. The smug, condescending look on their face &/or tone in their voice, whenever I'd ask them or offer my help/assistance with something; as if I'm begging them, "Oh please, Mr Narc, PLEASE allow me to serve you!" And then, they have you jumping through all kinds of (intentional) hoops, with whatever it is I'd offered my help/assistance/shoulder to lean on. I've seen memes that say that narcs create problems for every solution. That's so that they can always have us "serving them" for as long as possible.
@ilashankar90312 жыл бұрын
@@GG-ul8ne the last two sentences are excellently succinct!
@sergiom39882 жыл бұрын
Narcissists always ask you to "compromise", but here is the thing: compromise by definition is when BOTH SIDES give up something for the greater good, if only one side makes sacrifices it's not compromise, it's submission.
@lorraineoback49622 жыл бұрын
Exactly. When a narcissist says they want to "discuss" some issues in the relationship, it only means they want to explain why you're wrong. No real listening happens on their part.
@CatsInHats-S.CrouchingTiger2 жыл бұрын
People are very spoiled. It’s shocking.
@swissherbgirl29172 жыл бұрын
My Exhusband did not know what compromise means. He said it is either my way or your way. Black or white. When I filled for divorce he said you have changed, you are not submitting anymore
@ahjgbhlahgaohgl2 жыл бұрын
Exactly, this is how my family is. My grandfather once kept the family from eating dinner for almost 3 hours because he claimed it was "too hot" to eat dinner. This is the same person that decides that if he wants to eat early then everyone else has to eat early. It's always on his schedule, regardless of the situation.
@petalparker52 жыл бұрын
You will bend yourself into a pretzel accomodating them and they still want more. They’re a bad investment, you will never see a return.
@jillybeans11.112 жыл бұрын
“Narcissistic people, get into relationships, to regulate themselves.” That sums up my entire 32 year marriage, I have been regulating his anxious, chaotic mind and now that I’m taking a step back and not protecting him, my kids finally see it. Dr. Ramini, you are one of my many priceless resources of truth, and a big reason of why i just told him 2 days ago that I’m done.
@harleyquinnn92282 жыл бұрын
Stay strong. I promise it will get easier. God Bless you
@paceosheam2 жыл бұрын
Well done for finding the courage after all those years. Hang in there, keep on believing in yourself!
@garethevans72262 жыл бұрын
@@MrsK976 and k
@garethevans72262 жыл бұрын
9olcv O. O. 9 {ooo { Ooo O oo O
@tracyadams6269 Жыл бұрын
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ u 😊😊😊q
@LadyMngwa2 жыл бұрын
"You cannot be fully loved by someone who does not understand that you are separate from them." So true, as always. Honestly, this YT channel saved me, no kidding.
@natasha.r.m2 жыл бұрын
Ages ago, before I got to learn about narcissism, I told my abusive husband: "No, you don't love ME. You just love the way I love YOU". Now, years later, this has been validated by a professional. Thank you, Dr Ramani! 😊🙏🏻
@ryanengblom83432 жыл бұрын
There is a great line form the movie Something About Mary where Ted responds to all the men pining for Mary- "They don't love you, Mary. They just love the way you make them feel about themselves." True of narcissists and it seems your situation as well.
@southernbelle65642 жыл бұрын
Exactly! I asked my husband if he could name ANYTHING that he loves about me, his words, ‘You take care of me and cook my food.” How sad is that? My whole being in his eyes is that I cook and serve!🤬
@natasha.r.m2 жыл бұрын
@HONY If you've watched the video, you know what I refer to. If someone ONLY loves the way you treat them and has no consideration for your feelings, your needs and your boundaries, but takes you for granted and abuse you, then there's nothing beautiful about it.
@natasha.r.m2 жыл бұрын
@HONY It's OK. 😊👍🏻
@SherryONeill2 жыл бұрын
Excellent Way you Put It!
@gailrosenberg482 жыл бұрын
"Relationship with a narcissist" is an oxymoron. A relationship is a reciprocal, mutually nurturing exchange between 2 people. Both being seen, heard, respected and validated. With these children-in-adult-bodies there can only be a situationship, a transaction that leaves one person bankrupt. In long term situationships, the giver will eventually become as dysregulated and in turmoil as the partner. They infect us with their malady. Healing comes after leaving and that, a long, long road.
@theangelwearsprana18692 жыл бұрын
You nailed it in one paragraph 👏👏
@SadieHartMusic2 жыл бұрын
wow well said Gail. thank you!
@alenamaurice28122 жыл бұрын
Well stated! I came to recognize the transactional nature of the relationship after about 10 years when I stayed home with my children. At the time, I had no idea that this was symptomatic of NPD. The toxic nature of the relationship crystallized for me when I realized the adult child that my ex was/is. I used different terms, but all of them are descriptors of a narc.
@vanessamclennan12 жыл бұрын
so beautifully put. You have summed this up so nicely and will massively help people get a ahhaaaa, it's not me moment.
@deenadamico26732 жыл бұрын
Transactional situationship 👏 Add this to the definitions of terms associated with narcissism!
@TheKingandKhi2 жыл бұрын
He always said to me, “You’re perfect for me.” It wasn’t until I stepped back that I realized this was a one way street. He was not “perfect” for me, nor was he trying to be.
@truckinqueenlv2 жыл бұрын
As the song says “while all the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself.”, that’s the LIFE of being with a narcissist. It is the most toxic, unfulfilling, abusive, neglectful relationship. I ended up with two, I will never be with one again, I know the signs and the outcome. It made me such a stronger woman and I am myself unapologetically.
@markfentysr45352 жыл бұрын
You couldn't have said it better
@TYP1970 Жыл бұрын
Don't forget the disrespecting in many areas
@kathleenreardon8943 Жыл бұрын
Well said!!!
@juliettepersaud6718 Жыл бұрын
I am so happy for you my dear!!
@juliettepersaud6718 Жыл бұрын
...Ms Alley
@ChurchofCaboose2 жыл бұрын
I cannot begin to describe how fun and stable a healthy relationship is. Getting love back instead of only giving.
@alsam85222 жыл бұрын
I told my therapist that when my ex husband said, “I love you,” I felt like he was actually saying, “Tell me that you love me.” Makes sense now. Thanks again.
@donnathedead75542 жыл бұрын
That's exactly what it is. Do anything other than parrot the phrase back to them and they will completely lose their shit.
@NikkiBNice2 жыл бұрын
Omg EXACTLY!! I said this to him once and he was so offended and still brings It up. SMH needless to say I’m out of it now.
@gingerisevil022 жыл бұрын
I had a friend growing up whose narcissistic step mother would literally demand her step daughter say “I love you” at the end of phone calls… yet her step mother showed her nothing but contempt and yelled at her and was cruel to her all the time…
@HeeersEllery2 жыл бұрын
In hindsight, mine never really even said “I love you” but instead, would ask “do you love me?” It got to the point that when I heard that, I just wanted to roll my eyes and say “yesssss dear”
@reisman442 жыл бұрын
She told me”tell me that you love me”.The day I did,not when she asked me,she started to treat me like crap.Recently I had to ask myself”when did it start?”.She smirked when I said it,thought it to be a smile,it wasn’t.That’s when it started.
@stickfigures18181 Жыл бұрын
staying with narcissist is just delaying the inevitable
@BeckysCraftroom2 жыл бұрын
The way that I put it is this: when the narc says "I love you" what they are saying is "I love the emotional supply I can get out of you." That's it. If you don't give them their emotional supply, they punish you. If they can't get the positive things from you that they feel they deserve, they will provoke a negative response from you in order to get an emotional supply: If they can make you angry, that makes them feel powerful and/or they can play the bully/victim card. "Someone was angry with me, I'm the victim!" If they can provoke tears, this also gives them a sense of power. If they can silence you with cruel, confusing, manipulative words, this also makes them feel powerful. It's all about feeding their emotional supply. That's why the good times are confusing. If it's easy to get positive responses from you by you being in line with their agenda and behavior, then you get to experience good times. They store up memories of those times, too, because they remember they were "good" to you and it feeds their fantasy vision of themselves as a "good person". But all that will go away if you want different things from them or expect things that they don't want to give. You exist in their lives to relieve their stress and regulate their emotions. Overt narcissists or covert narcissists, doesn't matter. They want adoration from you or to feel power over you. That's what they love, what they are addicted to. They are addicts, and their drug is emotional supply. The end.
@BeckysCraftroom2 жыл бұрын
@@christineleahy2013 You are welcome! I hope it gives you some clarity.
@christineleahy20132 жыл бұрын
@@BeckysCraftroom Thank you 😊 it really really does 🙏
@kellithomas90802 жыл бұрын
The way you described this so perfectly!! Omg I have no words. Everything you said is a million percent correct!!!!!!!!!
@BeckysCraftroom2 жыл бұрын
@@kellithomas9080 You are very welcome. I'm glad I was able to give you something helpful.
@cyberninjasworld2 жыл бұрын
Great summary
@Kolby20042 жыл бұрын
When they say "I love you" they really mean "I love ME, for having you..." bc they see you as an object, that they OWN.
@DarkFire15362 жыл бұрын
Yes, exactly!
@clrobinson97282 жыл бұрын
This one was spot on. My mother “loved” me so much as long as I was doing what she wanted. The day I started doing things I wanted to do the love turned to abuse. I know now the abuse was always there, I just didn’t know it.
@jennifergreen82722 жыл бұрын
I'm with you on this. I remember the day it changed. I was 7 and she started calling my niece "her baby" and never called me that Nickname again. Eventually my family called me Jenner-ella because I was a people pleasing house servant who willingly complied just so I could have some sort of positive attention. I'm 38 years old and now in counseling because I realized for the first time that I've experienced neglect and abuse. The grieving process is real. And still a little confusing and I still have up and downs in my emotions. I appreciate having people like you on here sharing their stories because I know I'm not alone and it helps make me feel a little less crazy and confused.
@andreakumer2762 жыл бұрын
Exactly ! One day when I decided to “stand up for myself “ my mother turned to me and said “ well , you’ve changed - I don’t like that “
@10ksam2 жыл бұрын
I had the same experience as yours with my maternal grandmother. She was one hell of a toxic person and I still hate her even after her passing away.
@Michadoo2 жыл бұрын
Same. Sorry
@Michadoo2 жыл бұрын
@@jennifergreen8272 I'm sorry. Sending you love on your healing journey. ❤️
@southernbelle65642 жыл бұрын
Thank you for confirming my reality. I have tried to explain to my husband that we are in the same marriage but having two totally different experiences. Where you have someone that cares for you, cooks your meals, washes your clothes, tells you how handsome you are, what a great lover you are, and I on the other hand am never considered in any way. When I am sick, nobody to even open the door and ask how I am doing or need anything. I have someone who constantly questions, doubts, debunks, my every word spoken. Who responds to me all day every day in a hateful, hostile, aggressive, rageful manner. I walk on egg shells, while he lies around the house like a veal calf, his feet never touch the floor!
@havestrength58022 жыл бұрын
I hope you can find your way out of this relationship.
@getmeouttatennessee44732 жыл бұрын
RUN!!
@JiMMY-my1ds2 жыл бұрын
‘I walk on eggshells’. I have used those exact words myself to describe a narc/bpd. PLEASE do this for me? Seek out a professional psychologist and speak to your GP :) Take the first step. You deserve peace.
@carebear381 Жыл бұрын
You'll leave or get left when you stand up and speak for your own wants. I know.
@Hatbox948Ай бұрын
Sounds familiar.
@lindabuonline2 жыл бұрын
"Healthy people don't angry when someone wants something different or feel something different." Well said. I have experienced narcissistic relationships for many years. And this is really a touchstone. A narcissist cannot tolerate that I have different thought and different feelings. Anger, stonewalling, belittling usually comes up when a narcissist hears something (which is reality by the way) that doesn't fits into his or her scheme of things. This happen very very often. Just be attentive to what they say and this pattern comes up regularly.
@karabrodsky28522 жыл бұрын
Yes, this makes so much sense. Remember, it is all about them and their wounding.
@Newday6602 жыл бұрын
That is so important to remember, "healthy people don't get angry when someone wants something different or feel something different".
@irynasynychak5792 жыл бұрын
This is so very true...just read your comment and it resonated with all I went through in my 10 year narcissistic relationship... and this insight by Dr.Ramani you mentioned also really caught my attention....he would get so angry that I would feel or want something different or THINK different... he would get into rage that I would even "dare"...
@AmandySue Жыл бұрын
That line really resonates with me. I didn't get why my ex was so angry when I had a different opinion or wanted to eat something else for dinner. To me it was a non issue, but he always got so angry for seemingly no reason.
@imaginepeace758811 ай бұрын
💯‼️🎯. EVERY DAY. EVERY SINGLE TIME. ☮️
@korab.232 жыл бұрын
"I love you" and "I'm sorry" are the same. They love what you do for them. They're sorry because they regret what it did to them. Nothing is for you.
@TheBaumcm2 жыл бұрын
They’re sorry that they have to listen to you complain about the behavior.
@orendezo75302 жыл бұрын
So so true
@marymastandrea26402 жыл бұрын
@@TheBaumcm wow putting a light on
@jenniferfisher89532 жыл бұрын
Profound. They’re sorry they got caught and it’s causing them pain.
@sweetrose8132 жыл бұрын
@@TheBaumcm yes it's like they're secretly thinking when are you going to stop whining about your needs so you can take care of my needs!
@JustaLittleMystic2 жыл бұрын
This makes discarding and how fast they move on, make even more sense! Easy to move on from someone they never really loved.
@tnt012 жыл бұрын
100% They were never attached in the first place.
@allisonnovak5002 жыл бұрын
The •only• ‘relationship’ with a narcissist I tolerate: seeing them in my proverbial rear view mirror as I exit! I am constantly on red flag alert and I don’t give any benefits of a doubt.
@Morastbiene2 жыл бұрын
"Every narcissistic relationship is doomed" was something that I really needed to hear. It helps me with the rumination, this little "Maybe you could've... What if...?" that sits in the back of your head, knocking at your skull. No. Not your fault. Impossible. Period. That's all there is to the story. It's exactly how things between me and my ex best friend began to crack. Whenever I stated my boundaries or voiced my needs, I got ignored or ghosted. Other times I was met with irritation, blame-shifting or straight up rejection. He often reacted as if I had asked him to do something completely absurd. All that "love and friendship" suddenly vanished and turned into a stonecold "Why does it sound like I'm supposed to help you?" And you just stand there, completely baffled. God forbid you point out any feelings like sadness, disappointment, frustration or anger, that'll just get you more "You're not good!" points in your record...
@CodyCole802 жыл бұрын
That person was never your friend. Cut your losses and move on.
@sibongilemolale44142 жыл бұрын
I am just glad you are here. You will heal. I am sorry about what you experienced. You are a good lovable person. Just remember that.
@Morastbiene2 жыл бұрын
@@sibongilemolale4414 Thank you so much for your kind reply. It really means a lot. I'll try my best to remember and I hope you're well 🙏🥲
@CloudyNebula2 жыл бұрын
"Whenever I stated my boundaries or voiced my needs, I got ignored or ghosted. Other times I was met with irritation, blame-shifting or straight up rejection. He often reacted as if I had asked him to do something completely absurd." - This was EXACTLY my experience for a couple of years, and the worst thing is that it makes you constantly put yourself down and think that you're being "too much" when you are actually doing the hardest thing: opening up to share your pain, your fears, your frustrations. And then all of them get struck down instead of healed and it feels like a direct stab to your heart. Unfortunately, they love (and event seek) that outcome.
@Morastbiene2 жыл бұрын
You've summed it up so well. It's cruel how every bit of weakness that we show just turns into a nail in the coffin. Ironically it was my narc who used the stab metaphor (since I dared to revolt against his behavior) while I spent endless months feeling shattered because of all the bullying, neglect and gaslighting. We deserve better than that. I'm glad that you spoke in past tense in your reply and I hope you're safe and well :)
@joshuawright46492 жыл бұрын
Just want to say you saved my life. Been watching you for 2 years. Found you after a narcissist nearly destroyed me. Thanks and Praise to you Doctor Romani!
@bahle202 жыл бұрын
Me and you both. I found Dr Ramani in April 2020 when I was in a deep dark hole. I was adamant it would not be the end of me. I was fighting a losing battle because the narc and the enablers were invalidating my feelings. I could feel them pushing me to despair. My angel led me to her videos. I thank God for her because wow!
@dancinginthepurplereign41262 жыл бұрын
Same. I started watching Dr Ramani 2 years ago.
@dyonneb33182 жыл бұрын
Same. I also found her in April 2020 during lockdown here. I definitely felt like God lead me to you Dr Ramini.
@despinakourou85482 жыл бұрын
So many of us, it's synchrodestiny. I also broke up with my narc April two years ago and had to re-member myself. I did it thanks to Dr Ramani and her community, and, of course, my inner work. Well done to all of you strong souls
@alonzomosley72 жыл бұрын
She is amazing ,she has helped me enormously dealing with toxic narcissist .
@janierimer73712 жыл бұрын
So very true. I had a relationship with a man whose a narc. For years I took crumbs from him while I gave to the point I was always on empty. Ironically, I found your videos and figured out what he is. AND that I was craving the love and attention I never got from my Narc mother. Now I am healing…
@beverlytaylor17452 жыл бұрын
Wow! You summed me up! Thank you 😊 💓 🌷
@TheBakingGirlShow2 жыл бұрын
Yes crumbs! Will always keep u starving🍞
@runner4life5512 жыл бұрын
Same story here! So glad you got out of that relationship and are healing now 🙏🏼 it’s a journey that brings so much peace
@escanorlion96212 жыл бұрын
Thanks to the youtube algorithm 😀
@lorraineoback49622 жыл бұрын
My situation exactly.
@2011empe2 жыл бұрын
From a 12 year relationship with a narc, i learned that the lack of self-knowledge is the root to all the projecting from the narc. Like a bat sending out sonars to feel its surroundings. Like a blind person reaching out to feel where to go. This learned me to sympathise with the narc. Now I see npd as an handicap. Not evil acting. But simply a handicapped person. And I was the support which that handicapped person needed to function. But even a blind person can handle living alone. That mindset helped me to move along.
@rachellerockel2 жыл бұрын
I like your compassionate approach. I don’t want to hate Narcs. Hate is such an unproductive emotion. Showing compassion for them allows me to show compassion to myself. Praying healing for everyone affected! ❤️
@theeemaven Жыл бұрын
Damn. Thanks for sharing your perspective. Much needed.
@sikiescordova1826 Жыл бұрын
why are women so good at fake crying? My mom knew.how to do that to get ppl to feel sorry for her.but would pull my ears 👂 until they pop.i have long ears cause of my mom.so I was force to put women before myself.ppl please..abusive women.
@VaswatiDeb2 жыл бұрын
A narcissist will never accept the fact that they need therapy in the first place because they genuinely think they are perfect and everyone else has issues. 🤦🏻♀️
@HaleThePanda2 жыл бұрын
May I just say Dr. Ramani, I don't know what I would've done without your videos. I just left a 7 year relationship with a narcissist and it took a lot of guts for me to do it, but I don't think I would've been able to do it without your help! Thank you for all that you do! ❤️
@reneekirk1892 жыл бұрын
Agreed!
@kunkudunk11332 жыл бұрын
At this point I tell everyone I know to watch her videos at the slightest hint of there being a narcissist in their life because she has been that helpful in me reclaiming my life. A long time friend of mine described to me how her boyfriends sister started asking really weird questions that seemed like they were trying to poke holes in their quite happy relationship. As I listened it sounded more and more like some level of narcissism, and so I recommended the channel and gave a couple comments on some of the sisters actions that made no sense to my friend. I pointed out that if the sister truly is narcissistic then she will continue trying to do this as my friends relationship is different enough from the sisters that she seems threatened by my friend and her boyfriend (the sisters brother) having a happy relationship in a very cerebral way. As such learning why she might be doing these things could help avoid future fights with her boyfriend that the sister tried to stir up out of pettiness and recommended the channel.
@thekmhful2 жыл бұрын
Congratulations! It's a hard journey ahead, but you have done harder things and you can do this.
@suzanne43962 жыл бұрын
Me, too. Seven years and 8 months.
@beautyfrmwithin2 жыл бұрын
Congratulations Love!!!! And well wishes to you on your heading journey.❤️ Dr. Ramani is saving innumerable lives!!!
@corriemyers76602 жыл бұрын
I ended my relationship with my narcissist yesterday. It hurt me so much, but it had to be done. Thank you so much for all your help!
@lorettanericcio-bohlman5672 жыл бұрын
💪🏽💛
@Kathleen54292 жыл бұрын
Keeping strong and NO communication will help you a lot. You can do it. The thought of now breathing on your own should help you realize the freedom you now have. Hugs.
@corriemyers76602 жыл бұрын
@@Keepgoing42 thank you! I’m good with everything now. Weights been lifted. No longer walking on eggshells and I’ve learned a lot. Therapy check, and is also helping. No contact, check. There is a process (different for everyone surely) but it works. Glad to be out with less than a year of my life unaccounted for opposed to the rest of my life being unaccounted for.
@lifealkimista74952 жыл бұрын
How are you doing? You’re brave!
@dorothyesked30122 жыл бұрын
You can do it find support through family, a close friend, or counseling God bless you.
@geraldlemoine4076 Жыл бұрын
The truth hurts. Now I know my 20 year relationship with my wife is doomed. I didn’t know people like this existed. Now I understand why we had so much conflict. No matter how much I pray for her and our marriage it doesn’t help. I need to get out but it’s going to take some time. I have to do it strategically. Thanks for educating me.
@LG-ly7pw Жыл бұрын
Update?
@JS-tx9jy4 ай бұрын
Hope you're doing better now
@CelinaDS1022 жыл бұрын
This instantly made me think of the day I packed up and left-after being clearly blindsided and then berating me, my ex husband said "I still love you" while staring at the floor. I could tell it wasn't genuine and he was scrambling for ways to manipulate me into staying. He always loved what I could do for him rather than loving me.
@priscilalondon2 жыл бұрын
That’s exactly how my marriage works. I love him. He loves him. Narc=2, Me=0.
@ThimbleFox3502 жыл бұрын
That's how every narc relationship works. You love him. He loves him. His flying monkeys love him. His narc family love him. But still somehow he needs more love, he's not satisfied. And if you even ask for love? You're being too needy and this enrages him that you even think you deserve to have needs.
@CodyCole802 жыл бұрын
It’s up to you to stop the action of loving him more.
@susanwagner94432 жыл бұрын
Sad realization … hope you get out and find love.
@priscilalondon2 жыл бұрын
@@ThimbleFox350 yes, everybody loves him, and he still needs to put me down any chance he gets to feel better about himself. I’m alive, but many times I just wish this to be over.
@maraemartinae57722 жыл бұрын
My mother was an extreme narcissist. She had brutal control over my two sisters who were teenagers when I was born. When I was born she left me at the hospital and took a bus home because she had no use for another girl. My dad and aunt took me home and along with my older sisters took care of me until age 5. Once I started school my dad had a neighbor take me and babysit till he got home. By age eight I was completely on my own. My sisters were both offered college but I was forced to leave home at 14. She adored my sisters because they were her clones. My mother never made me a meal or drove me anywhere or bought me a single thing my whole childhood. I don’t recall a single hug or kind word. I would hear my parents arguing and my mother alway saying ‘I didn’t want another girl. She should have died when she was born.” She never ‘came around’ like people said she would. I didn’t shed a tear when she died and have never visited her grave. Funny thing neither did my sisters.
@northofyou332 жыл бұрын
Wow. I am so sorry you had such a horrible mother. That is just so intense. Best of luck on your healing journey. These things take a lifetime to put right. Still working on healing from my Narc mother.
@lilc53532 жыл бұрын
Wow that's a lot to unpack, I can't imagine this!
@reachtrita2 жыл бұрын
Sending you a virtual hug.
@borges1016 Жыл бұрын
Heartbreaking. I resonated with your story. I know all too well.
@danielomorain7134 Жыл бұрын
Sorry that happened to y. Similar here. To make things simpler and clearer: EVERY your mother said about you, verbally and non-verbally, was a lie. You are good and ok. Carry on.
@LoisPasinella2 жыл бұрын
A friend told me she asked her partner to tell her one attribute that he appreciated about her. Did he say anything about her kindness or good character or generosity? No. She said he told her, “I love your commitment to ME.” 🤦🏼♀️ How is that about her? I appreciate this video. It explains a lot!
@ilovemuseums2 жыл бұрын
Agree 100%.
@rainarelaford5809 Жыл бұрын
Lol, I asked my ex the same thing. And he gave me a laundry list of things I did that made HIM feel good about himself ...🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
@louiserimmen Жыл бұрын
I did the same because I never felt he loved ME, but what I brought to the table. He answered how I made him feel, and I told him that is NOT love, that is about you
@Fairytale268 Жыл бұрын
Mine said it was that I made him feel so comfortable 🙃
@Jesusandcoffee3382 Жыл бұрын
My covert narc husband, when unmasked, was asked if he loved me. His answer was he loved everything I did FOR him.
@M_SC2 жыл бұрын
I can avoid true narcissists easily, but what I can’t deal with is the strong narcissistic traits and behaviours of people who aren’t full narcissists.
@maryamyusuf52492 жыл бұрын
To all the people dealing with narcissist! Be strong! Empower yourself, focus on your growth! And fly high in the sky because you can do it ❤️
@phyllisruthmick9332 жыл бұрын
Thank you so much for your kindness! It means a lot! 💞
@rhondaredeemedprodigal2 жыл бұрын
Thank you ❤️. I appreciate that.
@rhondaredeemedprodigal2 жыл бұрын
💕
@mimilili992 жыл бұрын
To the people dealing with one or various narcissists in their lives: cut ties if possible, and if not minimal contact.
@vavasajitha96422 жыл бұрын
3 kids with him, what I do don't know, nobody to help mr
@beverlystover39872 жыл бұрын
I always kinda thought he never loved me but he loved how he felt when he was with me He loved how I made him feel. He never loved me as a separate person. Just all about me as an accessory. And always kept me at an arms length with everything else too. Money emotions reciprocity etc. so glad I found you Dr Ramani. !!! I have felt so crazy for 22 years as this persons wife! Just starting to heal now. You are a godsend!!!
@dennisrobinson80082 жыл бұрын
That "arms length" crap....
@sandramay6922 жыл бұрын
Don't feel crazy.....you are a string ass woman!!!
@guadafigueroa16582 жыл бұрын
What is the arm length crap ? Having you close or far with people ?
@beverlystover39872 жыл бұрын
@@guadafigueroa1658 it’s an expression that means keeping one’s partner emotionally at a distance. No real intimacy. Not giving important information nor being emotionally vulnerable.
@photina782 жыл бұрын
He did love you, & he wanted the fairytale with you, but his mental illness got in the way. There's plenty of scientific evidence that NPD & the other Cluster B disorders are genetic. I like following Cluster B Milkshake & Lee Hammock aka mentalhealness to hear how they really feel inside themselves.
@eriktaylor7542 жыл бұрын
This hit especially hard. I was in a highly toxic trauma bond for ten years. My partner could never initiate and say, "I love you." They would only reply when I did the initiation and reply, "I love you too." I felt cold shivers when you explained this behavior as a narcissist validation of self-love. For ten years my partner was simply stating, " I love me too." Thank you Doctor Ramani . .. I am now going to take a shower to wash this gross feeling off of my body and soul.
@moiramarriott4403 Жыл бұрын
My ex said ...its give and take ..You give, I take . He didn't think that was wrong !! And probably one of the most honest things he ever said!!
@janeene242 жыл бұрын
I never clicked so fast! I left the relationship and he recently apologized (one of those non-apology apologies). I was thinking I might go back to him but I remembered all of the toxicity and was like nah, I’m not putting myself through that anymore. Cycle broken!
@NikkiBNice2 жыл бұрын
Yep. Why go back to something when nothing has changed and we were never happy to begin with.
@CodyCole802 жыл бұрын
Stay away!!! Don’t go back, or it’ll be worse than before.
@JP-db8dy2 жыл бұрын
There is NOTHING there for you, unless of course you’re looking for heartache, manipulation, exploitation, and to build someone up for them to tear you down and reduce you to a shell of a human. Stay strong. Keep moving forward. 🧡
@billyje47262 жыл бұрын
Wow, well done! 👌 Yes, so true, "the non-apology apologies"!! So worthless these words. And you always saw, how difficult it was for them to say it. Mine always added, "And now we are done with that issue." He just wanted to get the discussion out of the way.
@judyporritt35042 жыл бұрын
I didn’t experience many apologies from my late husband. Maybe about 3 or 4 times in 32 years. Of those times, most were the non-apology apologies. I also call them faux-pologies.
@allaboutherterritory2 жыл бұрын
It’s insane at the amount of people who’ve experienced these horrible relationships I’ve had two kids with a narc and I’m out for good and it feels awesome 👏🏾 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
@ThimbleFox3502 жыл бұрын
Social media is creating narcissists at an alarming rate, makes me wonder if I should even let my future kids have a phone until they're 18.
@shayblack20642 жыл бұрын
How did you get out because I feel stuck having 2 children with my narc and I'm drowning???
@CatsInHats-S.CrouchingTiger2 жыл бұрын
@@ThimbleFox350 yes, I’m noticing it as well. It’s very sad. They’re very rude and selfish with their time. They even become offended being civilized as if they have to make an effort to be nice when they don’t want to be.
@Joy-zn2lo2 жыл бұрын
@@shayblack2064 why do you feel stuck? I just left with a baby a week ago. You hit rock bottom and that’s when you realize ANYTHING is better than staying with them. And then all of a sudden you start thinking of all the resources at your disposal so you can start from scratch but at least you are FREE. I left and came back twice. After the last time, I was like ANYTHING is better than this
@Gigi-rg7xy2 жыл бұрын
Same girl same ☝️
@shavornewilbraham77342 жыл бұрын
This is probably the best explanation of how a narcissist thinks I've ever seen.
@anastasiaboulais43492 жыл бұрын
This was so helpful, thank you very much. I couldn't quite figure out why our relationship sort of worked some times and was a complete disaster at other times. Knowing that if I behaved a certain way made things better (when I completely mirrored him in feelings and actions) made me try so hard to work on myself. I started meditating to avoid being triggered (because I was too "sensitive"). I followed the stoics to learn to resign to fate. I locked myself in a cage because I was "too erratic and irresponsible". All this was to keep the peace and feel like I am being loved and rewarded for good behaviour. 10 years to try and mold myself into a shape that was never going to be enough. Thank you again for everything you do.
@brassgal50392 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. As my Mother said of my ex: “He’s sucking you dry!!”. Please note that my Mom usually *never* weighs in on my personal life. She was just so perturbed by what she saw from my Ex. Without knowing the patterns of narcissism formally, she understood that it was toxic, and that I needed to go no-contact. She also feared for my safety… Wise Mom!
@anio13492 жыл бұрын
💜 wise mom!
@ann-mariequigley29442 жыл бұрын
I fear for my daughter currently😥. You have a wonderful mum. My daughter is defensive with me. At my wits end as I don't know what to do
@IYoungHuang2 жыл бұрын
@@ann-mariequigley2944 I am sorry for you. Be you, the best you. The sample for her. Let her know, you will always be there for her. And Try ho'oponopono. To release the emotions burden. Letting go.
@ann-mariequigley29442 жыл бұрын
@@IYoungHuang thank you so much.🙏
@mqua46102 жыл бұрын
It’s so wonderful to read your comment. Most people on this channel don’t have an understanding parent or parents in their corner. I also had an insightful mom who didn’t interfere with my choices but stood by me and offered help if I asked. I struggled daily and having had someone who could empathize was a true gift.
@SAD-ij8in2 жыл бұрын
Whenever my mom or brother says, "I love you, " it feels like nails on a chalkboard. Now I know why. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for bringing clarity.
@beverlytaylor17452 жыл бұрын
Wow! You said it exactly how it feels. 🌸🌷🌸
@recoveringsoul7552 жыл бұрын
I'd rather feel loved, than hear those words again, they've ruined it
@stellaleigh68342 жыл бұрын
I'm liking your clarity; not your reality. Hugs 🫂 it's a tough world out here.
@JNaomic9702 жыл бұрын
Omg - me too. It feels so wrong.
@neilmurphy75542 жыл бұрын
The last time I visited my narcissistic mother in aged care before she died.....as I was leaving the communal room she exclaimed from across the room: "I love you"...but immediately looked around the room to see if everyone there had heard her...... It made me understand that NPD is a very sad condition which runs very, very deep.
@bwgkwg2 жыл бұрын
As soon as I started to grow up and become an individual, that’s when the issues began to start with my two narcissistic parents. While i was young and totally under their control nothing was a problem. The more I became my own person the worse it got.
@karabrodsky28522 жыл бұрын
So true.
@bwgkwg2 жыл бұрын
@@karabrodsky2852 thanks for the acknowledgment. So appreciate you
@karabrodsky28522 жыл бұрын
@@bwgkwg Oh you're welcome. I had the same experience.
@SAb-tt4kz Жыл бұрын
Were you supporting them financially as you got older or since younger age?
@bwgkwg Жыл бұрын
@@SAb-tt4kz hi. I wasn’t supporting them at all. I left home very young and did life that way till I could support myself with no help at all from them. They were always extremely wealthy but offered no support to me. I was actually ok with that as long as I had my freedom and was living life away from their psychological manipulation and control. The real problem began when I became successful in my own right. They pulled out every stop to destroy me financially in order to have me back under their control. They did that and left me homeless through tax fraud and other things. But… they didn’t stop there. They then did everything to emotionally destroy me by lying to other family members and completely cutting me off from every person I knew. You see, narcissistic people will stop at NOTHING if they are exposed. They are totally driven to destroy you to protect their own false image. Hope this helps.
@josephc235 Жыл бұрын
The example you gave how narcs are with their children is spot on.
@SMint-xo7vf2 жыл бұрын
The thing that really set me free as a child of narcissistic parents was the realization that they never loved me. I always knew but being clear about that once for all and overcoming all the cognitive dissonance and the gaslighting that might be there really helped me
@sharonsmith24802 жыл бұрын
Yes! Once I realized he never loved me, though he said it multiple times a day, I was free from the cognitive dissonance and from his hold on me.
@alessandrasaenz722 жыл бұрын
Yes with my narcissistic ex it set me free, but also realizing it was exactly the same with my mother was an eye opener.
@deenadamico26732 жыл бұрын
Very true. And those raised by healthy parents sometimes think this sounds harsh or extreme. They can't understand how freeing it is for us to come to this realization. The worst thing about abuse of a child is that they cannot wrap their heads around it. As children we assume that the treatment we receive from caregivers, no matter how damaging or hurtful, is deserved. We accept it as love and then spend our lives justifying/excusing/rationalizing. The most beneficial and freeing thing for me as an adult, and as a parent seeking to heal so that I don't damage my own children, is to be able to say, "Nope, it wasn't anything about me. I did nothing to warrant or deserve that treatment, because every child deserves love and acceptance simply for being. They simply do not know how to love."
@nancyzehr36792 жыл бұрын
Ive spent my life asking for a glass of water because Im thirsty and getting told Im actually hungry and getting handed a bologna sandwich. Or being told 'No, because you asked.' Crazy.
@Lindy.T2 жыл бұрын
It was good to hear this right now as I am coming to a close of an almost 7 year relationship. Up and down and back and forth I was always there for him. He seemed to be coming around and then we just went through a period where he needed help and I debated it before going ahead. After it was all over, I was ghosted and discarded, even with a comment made as a joke. I'd had it and I blew up. Got to get off and STAY OFF this one way merry-go-round. The way you explained it is exactly what it's like. It's all about THEM, never you.
@timothyrday1390 Жыл бұрын
This is so strikingly accurate in its description of my past relationship. I had no way of knowing what I was getting myself into at first. Over time, I saw how she treated me as an extension of herself, made incessant demands, and always refused when I asked her to do things which, for me, represented reasonable compromises in the relationship. She was totally incapable of understanding that I had different feelings and perspectives on how the relationship should work. It was a painful, yet very important learning experience. I am so thankful now to be receiving this knowledge on narcissism and relational psychology that I remain hopeful to possibly enter a more healthy relationship in the future (Lord willing).
@timlaw14522 жыл бұрын
This is THE best explanation of why these relationships don’t work. I’ve watched 100s but this is the clearest explanation of the problems of differentiation and that love flows only one way to the narcissistic partner. Zero love goes to the codependent partner. Zilch. Always has and always will be thus. I can’t wrap my head around it though.
@dianasponsler35672 жыл бұрын
Some things we have to be grateful our head won't fit around. If it made sense to us, we'd be crazy too! (courtesy of a good friend, and totally true). All we have to do is recognize that that's what's happening, remove our supply from their sphere and find ways to be whole again.
@timlaw14522 жыл бұрын
@@dianasponsler3567 Thank you Diana. “Find ways to be whole again” That’s the key
@lorraineoback49622 жыл бұрын
Thank you for that observation. I've been spinning my wheels trying to understand what behavior that at bottom is inexplicable or more to the point, unjustifiable.
@judy53382 жыл бұрын
I agree 💯 You can't get your head around it because you're sane. The games over when outsmart them by figuring out how their mind works - malfunction.
@godpoet12 жыл бұрын
I lived this.
@suzannesmith53392 жыл бұрын
My N. Parent was only able to love me when I behaved and responded exactly how she wanted me to. I learned to be a performer. When I wasn’t doing “fake me” right I got reprimanded and punished. Also, I was required to view her as superior and deserving, which involved entertaining her and pretending I was enjoying time together for most of my adult years. The dread and meeting her expectations worsened with age until I finally disconnected when my adult children, (raised to be freely themselves), started their own households.
@thenewuser31002 жыл бұрын
Omg... U exactly said what i was going through.. Thank god.. M out now and happily married
@lorrainea61772 жыл бұрын
NARCISSISTS = 100% Takers. Reciprocity means a healthy relationship, period. ❤️🙏❤️
@oscarwilliamson61632 жыл бұрын
Lorraine A, Hope you are not with a narcissist 😈!
@gramparob2 жыл бұрын
Now I understand why my wife freaked out when I decided to build an airplane. Seriously, this describes my awakening these last few months. The amusing thing was my wife told me I have anger issues and told me I had to see a “male therapist” it took him about 15 min to give me the news: “you are married to a narcissist”. So I started studying this topic. Here in this video is a most clear description of my relationship with my wife. All take and very minimal give. The thing that I find so frustrating is there appears to be no way to improve it. Except that I now understand what is going on, so I just feel pity for her. But my airplane is done and will fly in the next couple of weeks. Anyone want a ride in my beautiful new airplane? I am being reborn.
@dennisrobinson80082 жыл бұрын
Send some links of pics. Did you figure out why it was so important to her for you NOT to finish it? It just hit me, they erode your confidence little by little, and she's aware of the affect completing the project would have on you, it would raise your confidence and cause her to lose some control. I guess this is why they like you down, and why they are debbie downers on everything and even work against you behind your back.
@AAA-gz2eb2 жыл бұрын
🛫
@user-lu6yg3vk9z Жыл бұрын
So you divorced right?
@Jesusandcoffee3382 Жыл бұрын
Good for you. Happy trails.
@ericaled2 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I broke up with a narcissist boyfriend a week ago after 3 months of torture - cheating, lying, gaslighting, isolation... He's been stalking and harassing me ever since the breakup. Somehow I'm still sad and missing him. You are keeping me sane. You are really helping people. Thank you thank you thank you.
@graceyoung5162 жыл бұрын
These are the same manipulation tactics as a pimp would use - think about that. First: grooming (that is, what we miss), then the discard phase (break the victim´s will) - That is, what you are experiencing now. If you give in, YOU WILL PAY in every way possible. Hold your ground. You will recover from this. Best wishes 💖
@dianasponsler35672 жыл бұрын
Ask yourself if you miss HIM, or the FUTURE FAKE he seemed to be promising during the lovebombing phase. Missing the "promise" or facade - yes, missing the actual contents of that package, I bet you are not missing what he showed you he actually is.
@andreamagyar55412 жыл бұрын
Ir is OK to grieve the loss of your dreams, never forget the lesson.
@bloodstripeleatherneck19412 жыл бұрын
Get a restraining order like yesterday.
@recoveringsoul7552 жыл бұрын
You're lucky you got out so quickly, wish I had, then I wouldn't be here 40 years later, left for dead by my kids and entire family. He never loved you, or himself. They say those words ONLY to manipulate you into changing your behavior to serve them. The doc got this one wrong, they don't love themselves, they are empty and seek validation from others . But they never reciprocate. That 3 word phrase is a lie they use as a tool to manipulate you. It doesn't mean what we wanted it to mean. It's just a trick, a trap they hope you will believe. My favorite boyfriend of them all never told me he loved me, even though I said it. But he didn't need to, because he treated me like he loved me, and I FELT loved. He took care of me if I got sick, he always tried to give me the best pillow, little things like that, not selfish
@p.w.3522 жыл бұрын
With a narcissist, it seems like the only non conditional love that they have is the love they have for themself.
@dianasponsler35672 жыл бұрын
Their definition of love is scrambled, they crave all the love in the room, because they keep trying to fill the tank with substitutes and they are chronically empty. They do not have love for themselves, they DESPERATELY CRAVE love for themselves, and lash out at anyone and anything that calls their attention to their emptiness.
@dianecfranich2 жыл бұрын
And there kids, which is also an extension of themselves. But I guess that is just more love for them🤔 strange people.
@GG-ul8ne2 жыл бұрын
I agree. But then...in some way...I also think they actually hate themselves, too.
@deenadamico26732 жыл бұрын
Thank you for describing The Shift when a child begins individualizing. It was a palpable change that I remember clearly: the point when I fell from grace as the precocious golden child. My mother called me "defiant" and "haughty" because I stopped performing on command and complying to make her look good; I had my own opinions and interests and style that I was trying to express and it did not suit her. At age 18 I made a choice to get a body piercing, and she burst into an absolute fit of rage in which she informed me that I had spent my whole life rejecting her and her emotions. "You've always tried to hurt me! You weaned yourself at 18 months! Your brothers nursed to almost age 3, but you? You were done with me! You wanted nothing to do with me!" 🤨 It was at that moment I realized my mother's behavior had to be pathological.
@realhealing78022 жыл бұрын
I remember being so alone at age 5. It's like no one was interested in me. I wasn't valuable to my family unless I was doing something for them. I felt I had to work for love. Love doesn't exist in a narcissistic family.
@lwho9846 Жыл бұрын
And once you were 14.. boom! They suddenly appear in your life as a monster
@bitchenboutique69532 жыл бұрын
The “they love you as a reflection/extension of themselves” ties in with how well the “twin flame” idea gets dangerous to people in toxic relationships… if people see souls as interconnected to the point of “there is no division between you and me” then that opens the door WIDE for the total lack of boundaries that exists in abusive relationships.
@bitchenboutique69532 жыл бұрын
FYI I talked about my own experience falling into the “twin flame” trap” in an episode a while back. It starts at 56:00. But most of the rest of the episode is about how the love songs we grew up on were about toxic relationships so we were doomed to failure 😂 kzfaq.info/get/bejne/gZqoeZOe3J28hX0.html
@janreed72872 жыл бұрын
Totally.
@CairoManolo2 жыл бұрын
Absolutely
@hedonismandhoney11122 жыл бұрын
Experiencing this shitty psudo phenomenon right now. Totally agree
@lorraineoback49622 жыл бұрын
GThat last statement is a great observation. Thanks for pointing it out.
@dvdw_graphics_crafts2 жыл бұрын
When regular people love you, they want you to be happy, to be in good hands. When narcissists love you, they want you to be happy making them happy, to be in their hand--their control--that they deem as good.
@CodyCole802 жыл бұрын
Exactly! 💯🎯💯
@michelegray59702 жыл бұрын
So true!
@craziebarbietalks6922 жыл бұрын
I just ended my relationship with my mom today at 23 years old. I’ve dealt with her my whole life and I have gotten so tired and drained from being around someone that is very toxic. My whole life I thought I had behavior problems or that I’m evil, but from being around other people who my mom has not gotten to, they see me as someone different like in a positive way. I know it’s going to be hard because she gave life to me but like my guy friend says, choose happiness and peace over toxicity. Thank you
@kaylabean3693 Жыл бұрын
I hear you. I ended my relationship with mom at 24 years old I’m about to be 25! At first I thought am I sure I wanna do this? But then I was like, why am I fighting so hard for a mediocre, low vibrational, draining relationship anyway🤷🏽♀️
@katherinelydon7306 Жыл бұрын
They love what you do for them, to an extent.
@surabhimhjn2 жыл бұрын
I feel it’s not love that they feel as much as it’s a void they are trying to fill. They think a relationship or marriage will fill it and when it doesn’t they almost feel betrayed. Same with having children or having multiple affairs. They hope something will fill that emptiness but they are always disappointed. They are the human equivalent of a black hole, they feed on everyone near them to fill up but it never happens and you are destroyed in the process.
@verystylishordinarypeople2 жыл бұрын
They don't want love. They want to destroys God's people. Do they go after rude disgusting people⁉️ No. They go after God's good people.
@surabhimhjn2 жыл бұрын
@@verystylishordinarypeople they are probably envious of all the qualities good, kind people have. First they try to acquire them by imitation, then by using you as an extension of themselves. Eventually they hate you for everything good you have and what they can never be. That’s when they come after you to destroy your very essence, your soul.
@srdavis2062 жыл бұрын
Very well said so true
@garycole83652 жыл бұрын
Great explanation! Because of that void they are incapable of love and people are just filling stations for them. A whole video could be made on the empty void aspect of narcissism, if Dr. Ramani hasn't already made one.
@verystylishordinarypeople2 жыл бұрын
@@garycole8365 We all have voids. These people allowed the devil to use their voids to destroy others. Now they have been turned over to a reprobate mind. This is about good vs evil.
@alenamaurice28122 жыл бұрын
This one really resonated with me! Early in our marriage, we struggled with the concept of "the two become one" in marriage. Many years later, I came to realize that what he meant was "the two become him," not liking me to assert my individuality.
@TheQueensWish2 жыл бұрын
My husband thinks that too! He did not manifest all the narcissism until we married. Then it came out. I didn’t pick up subtle clues when we dated, or I discarded them because I wanted things to work and I didn’t even know narcissism. That was decades ago. Now I feel like an idiot for being stuck with one. What I would like to know and deeply experience is a true and loving marriage. That must be so rare.
@shiny73012 жыл бұрын
"The two become him" is an exact explanation 👍💯👏 I lived the same things with my ex-narc husband. Narcissists don't see the other person as an "individual" who has a free will, they try to make other person as codependents of him/her.
@alenamaurice28122 жыл бұрын
@@TheQueensWish There's always hope! Without being aware that narcissism was its name, I knew the relationship was toxic. We eventually separated & divorced, and now I'm enjoying that loving marriage. But I needed to heal, reflect, and forgive before I was ready for love.
@alenamaurice28122 жыл бұрын
@@shiny7301 I agree! I pinpoint the downward spiral beginning when I had my children & stayed home with them, thereby becoming financially dependent on him. At the same time, he earned his Ph.D. and his ego went through the roof. Eventually, I caught on to what was happening.
@TheQueensWish2 жыл бұрын
@@alenamaurice2812 Good for you. Hold on to happiness.
@dialmstyle Жыл бұрын
This lesson is huge. It all makes sense now, all the “quirks” when I thought I was needing to be more accepting. I was being tested. I’m no longer co-dependent. I’m no longer accepting this narcissistic non-sense. Thank you 🙏🏼
@Jesusandcoffee3382 Жыл бұрын
I was married to a covert narcissist for 14 years. I unmasked him and told him I had figured him out (mostly due to videos like this). He was shocked to say the least. He admitted he had no empathy, sympathy or guilt for anything ever, criticism enraged him and he couldn’t even love. I was shocked that he had said this last bit, That he felt he was incapable of love. I asked him if he loved me. He realized how much he had divulged. He said, Of course I love you. I asked what he loved about me. He said he loved everything I did for him. Very telling. It took me 6 months to leave after that (he rarely let me out of his sight). I’ve been out now 14 months, still trying to divorce him.
@LG-ly7pw Жыл бұрын
Sounds more sociopathic
@timmusician50602 жыл бұрын
YES!!! Everything with my mom is a one way street. It’s all about her trying to get me to do what she wants. She never considers my perspective.
@steggopotamus2 жыл бұрын
I spent 20 years waiting for my turn to have emotional distress and get emotional support from my sibling, but once I started dealing with my trauma, my sibling, who I supported through a lot of their issues in life, took ot as an offence that I was going through stuff too. And got mad at me. And then they wonder why I don't forgive them. ... It almost doesn't matter if I forgive them or not, there's just no room for *me* in the relationship. They don't love me, they love a cardboard cut-out of me that they can control like a puppet.
@timmusician50602 жыл бұрын
It’s not easy to cut family out of your life but sometimes that’s a choice you have to make. Especially when upon reflection you see that the relationship only does damage to you.
@steggopotamus2 жыл бұрын
@@timmusician5060 yep, I cut them out in 2014 and everytime I think I could go back it's a solid nope.
@cangrejitamiry2 жыл бұрын
So true. I already told friends that I don’t want another relationship where 2 people are in love with one person. I’m so over it.
@sayeedharem46732 жыл бұрын
All the pick-me-shas in the comments looking for an agony aunt to feel sorry for their stories of woe🤣🤣
@aloysiusdevanderabercrombi4702 жыл бұрын
@@sayeedharem4673 said like a truly toxic person
@angelahart1479 Жыл бұрын
Thankyou thankyou thankyou. I have watched many videos of yours but this is the clincher for me understanding my ex narc. I think she tried for a while but when she left me she actually said that she cannot do relationships. I asked her if I did something wrong. She said and I quote 'no you did nothing wrong you were perfect. It's me'😮😮
@dianecarmichael15172 жыл бұрын
I remember asking my husband why he loves me….he said I was nice to him when we started dating. That’s it!
@oscarwilliamson61632 жыл бұрын
Diane Carmichael,You deserve a good man
@bahle202 жыл бұрын
I remember being confused whenever he said "I love you". Then I started telling him that his actions were speaking a different story and he would rage or be aloof
@carolinagriva84192 жыл бұрын
Hmm now that you mention it. I felt like the best answer to “I love you” was “thank you”. It made me confused that it was taken like an inadequate answer. It was confusing perhaps because I was so used to the dissonance.
@BuckROCKGROIN2 жыл бұрын
Literally all relationships, without exception are transactional and there's no reciprocity with a narcissist.
@sagebay28032 жыл бұрын
Yes, you nailed it! Thank you.
@TheQueensWish2 жыл бұрын
All BAD relationships are transactional. Living from one sad and empty episode to the next. People who actually love one another don’t need transactions as the objective. The mere word “transaction” and even the thought of transactions is toxic.
@BuckROCKGROIN2 жыл бұрын
@@TheQueensWish all relationships are transactional. Only narcissists think they don't need to reciprocate in order to be in a relationship because only narcissists think transactions are toxic because narcissists only take and never give.
@TheQueensWish2 жыл бұрын
@@BuckROCKGROIN oh shut up Buck. You’re no expert on ALL relationships. My relationships with my grandmother and grandfather were not transactional. Nor many other people, like my Aunt, etc. But very poor human beings think and act and roll through life like this. They are manipulative and selfish and their objective is always themself. They are unfixable and their souls are damaged. They suck the life out of people with their foolish me, me, me transactions. Easy to spot and dump them.
@jillandrews71602 жыл бұрын
This video finally helped me see one piece of the puzzle that never seemed to fit. Unlike the common characteristic of criticism in a narcissist, my ex-husband was very complimentary to my face. The smear campaign went on behind the scenes, but to me he constantly told me I was pretty and capable. After this video it seems that this wasn't just a control tactic (even though it worked really well) but a lack of differentiation. He was actually complimenting himself. In hindsight it makes a lot of sense because he needed so much validation that he was the top dog, and to him having a pretty wife made him feel like the top dog. Then as the video said, as soon as I asked for one of my needs to be met he always turned on me 180 degrees and then came the accusations as if from a machine gun. Talk about confusing.
@sandracaezza7234 Жыл бұрын
This is so simply put but has given me so much freedom in my thinking. It does not matter what he did, who he’s with, what addiction is his flavor of the day. My path ahead is going to be so much happier. I will face any challenge with the knowledge that loving myself is first. Thank you Dr R😊
@abracadaverous2 жыл бұрын
A "relationship" of any sort requires at least two people. To a narcissist, they are the protagonist and you are an extra. They cannot recognize other people as equally valid to them.
@ashpterodactyl2 жыл бұрын
My narc mom is obsessed with babies. I'm pregnant now and trying my best to go no contact because I don't want her smothering my child and then emotionally abandoning them like she did me. It actually creeps me out how much she adores babies. Like of course she likes babies. Babies can't fight back.
@CairoManolo2 жыл бұрын
My narc mom did foster care actually I'm adopted. When I got sick she ignored me but revealed in the attention she got when we finally went to the Dr. Come to think of it she knew I was sick. But taking me to the Dr Early on she wouldn't have received as much attention as when you get sicker and sicker
@CodyCole802 жыл бұрын
This is one of the reasons some narcs love their pets and could careless about their family members. Pets, especially dogs, will lick and sniff their evil butts regardless of what they do.
@deenadamico26732 жыл бұрын
My narcissistic mother actually told me throughout my childhood how she is a person who "needs to be needed."
@michelegray59702 жыл бұрын
All of yalls comments is my mother in law to the T!! It's scary
@mrb47612 жыл бұрын
"BABIES CAN'T FIGHT BACK." Exactly so.
@deborahadams50552 жыл бұрын
I was in a narcissist relationship for a year, at first it was good but the longer we were together it got worse.i tried so hard to make a work but it never did get better. Thank you for your videos, I gain valuable knowledge. I still can't believe someone who claims to love me could hurt me and devalue me so much.
@phindilendhlovu64342 жыл бұрын
Same💔
@mickyj2862 жыл бұрын
I use to ruminate on the Narc telling me “I admire you so!” Then turns around smearing my name, triangulating others against me . Thank you Dr Ramani, this video is like a virtual hug, so freeing to me.
@5pointview7172 жыл бұрын
Mine did that too
@Fabbro192 жыл бұрын
I always had a feeling that with "I love you" he meant "I love how you love me". I had that feeling every time he said something nice to me, just a way to reflect that nice thing right back to himself. I even told him that once, he didn't deny it, just kind of smiled as in how that makes him cute and distinctive. Now being out of the relationship after 10 years of it, I think that him loving the way I loved him is the only way he can "love" someone. Him seekin love for himself and me being just the means for him to do that.
@davidedwards40882 жыл бұрын
My goodness it all makes sense now! Thank you for posting these videos. And to all who's gone or going through this you are not alone. Lord thank you for putting people in my path to explain situations I don't understand.
@bocobocoboco2 жыл бұрын
I feel the same way. This video clarified so many things.
@davidedwards40882 жыл бұрын
@@bocobocoboco Yes it has, have a blessed day.
@eo4zoa2 жыл бұрын
Wow, this is so enlightening. I always wondering why I never got any real love from my MIL whom I showed love to. When she “loved” me back, it was always with a string attached. I learned it after a lot of pain and also learned to get out of that cycle by setting boundaries and learning to not over share, saying NO and by stopping to please her.
@michaelhargrove59302 жыл бұрын
My ex narc wife would always say,"I need you",especially early on in the 2.5 years we were together.I thought initially this meant she loved me and it did not occur to me until a year after we broke up that she only needed me for supply and for her validation.Tough lesson to learn at nearly 60 but after 2 years apart im realizing how much stronger and wiser i am from this heart breaking experience.🤗
@CodyCole802 жыл бұрын
It’s better to learn late than never. 🤷🏽♀️
@missymcdermott5522 Жыл бұрын
I used to tell my ex I needed him but I'm far from being a narcissist. I meant it in a loving way
@lidiazolopa8851 Жыл бұрын
I tell my narcissistic boyfriend that bc he is controlling and wants me to neglect my responsibilities to be there constantly for him. It is him who needs me at all times even when I'm at work and so I tell him that I need him to remind him that I matter too.
@suzanneflowers22302 жыл бұрын
This is one reason the Bible talks about the "fruit" we produce, which is our behavior. Anyone can say, "I love you," but what do their actions show? Go by behavior, not words. I had to learn this the hard way. But better late than never!
@acfatemi2 жыл бұрын
Yes! Love is a decision, not just an emotion. Love is wanting ”the good” for the other person!
@beverlytaylor17452 жыл бұрын
Hi! Exactly what that Scripture means. You're a good teacher. 👍
@CodyCole802 жыл бұрын
It also tells us not to give our pearls (our goodness) to swine (filthy animals).
@acfatemi2 жыл бұрын
@@CodyCole80 yes, contemplating this teaching from our Lord certainly helped me!
@DebiDewdrop612 жыл бұрын
I have 2 family members who only love you as long as you're their ATM Machine and Indentured Servant. The relationship is based on their needs and wants otherwise they want nothing to do with you. Oh the drama , chaos and 2 year old tantrums they preform when they don't get their way. I learned the games and treatment and now keep them at arms length and only deal with them when I have to which I try to avoid as much as possible. Thank you Dr. Ramani for showing me the way to peace and healthy relationships by exposing these toxic people.
@toniliberty58582 жыл бұрын
This is by far the best video of yours Dr. Ramani, that has shed enormous amounts of light, making sense on this 19 year work relationship that has soured because I got my "feelings" hurt. Thank you for continuing to help us become and remain, survivors and 🏆 winners!
@bocobocoboco2 жыл бұрын
I agree.
@thekmhful2 жыл бұрын
My dad was the narcissist and my mom used to tell me as a child "your dad loves you in his own way as much as he possibly can this can".
@Hope-bk8nw2 жыл бұрын
Same
@janefreeman9952 жыл бұрын
Same here. A convoluted form of gaslighting it seems. Swallow and ignore your feelings of neglect or abuse bc somehow he loves you. Other than a few tender moments, he despised that my mom gave me any affection. I left as a teen and came back only on a rare visit and to see him thru hospice. By then he thought I was his mother helping him get his skivvies on.
@jennifergreen82722 жыл бұрын
Yes! Wow, the phrase you just typed here almost made me nauseous. That brought back a flood of memories.
@thekmhful2 жыл бұрын
@@janefreeman995 that was very generous of you! Mine died alone several states away while his "girlfriend" /woman he was black mailing for a house and insurance was away on a business trip.
@thekmhful2 жыл бұрын
@@jennifergreen8272 I'm sorry. The therapy is great and we have come so far, but somehow it's always painful like a phantom leg, and that just sucks.
@MildredGlutz2 жыл бұрын
So that’s why I always felt closer to my “immune” to narcissism dad. He actually cared about me. I never felt love coming from my mom unless it was to make herself look good. She was the “I’m your Mother, not your friend” type when flying into one of her controlling rages. Never understood how a mother could resent her own daughter. As a teen, I once overheard my dad telling her to lay off me.
@cailin53092 жыл бұрын
My mom resents me also.. One of the earliest things I remember as a child is her telling me “quit your crying, if you’re going to throw a fit go do it in your room” she didn’t like me unless I was not needing anything from her & had my feelings in check
@DizzyWolf2 жыл бұрын
My narc mother has also said those exact words. "I'm your mother, not your friend!" She said them with an air of disgust; I had brought up how my friends considered their moms to be their friends, and I wanted to know why we didn't have that. She acted like the other mothers were making a horrible choice by being friends to their children.
@MildredGlutz2 жыл бұрын
@@DizzyWolf Exactly.
@MildredGlutz2 жыл бұрын
@@cailin5309 Oh, man. Hugs.
@TheBaumcm2 жыл бұрын
Same here. I can remember my dad hamfisting my door when my mom was in a rage. I thought he was going to yell at me for flipping her switch so I told him to go away. He replied,”Let me in. It’s scary out here!” It validated that the behavior wasn’t appropriate and that people should expect a certain standard of treatment regardless of the dynamic. Kept me from being gaslighted too badly and kept me sane.
@kuljeetsingh92 жыл бұрын
You give and accommodate every need they have but the one time you want something for yourself , they will label you selfish and self centered.
@susantalebzadeh97412 жыл бұрын
This is spot on! Now 4 months out of the relationship of 24 years and the children are starting to see. We were all just an extension of him for him.
@hm786NY Жыл бұрын
How did you survive? I feel don’t even feel like living after a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage - I can’t even breath…
@bethbrown13932 жыл бұрын
This may be the answer to something that happened some years ago. My mother followed me through the house with a picture of herself from her younger days, telling me how much I looked like her. It was the result of a conversation we were having during which she could not make me think like her, see things only her way. After watching this video, I believe she was basically saying, "you look like me, so you must think like me, you are an extension of me." At the time I simply stated, "Of course there's a resemblance. You're my parent." I left the house thinking what a bizarre experience it was. Makes sense now. Thank you.
@pearlsbeforeswine602 жыл бұрын
Once I really got it that they are not capable of actual love and that there is no point in discussing emotional issues or conflicts with someone who lacks the ability to comprehend them..I was free! No more pissing up a rope! I now see these individuals as disabled. One of my mother's all time great remarks..and only slightly said in jest; "How can you eat that ice cream when I'm not hungry." Yeah, life with Mom was no picnic. Life was great til about age four, when I developed a personality.
@northofyou332 жыл бұрын
Sounds exactly like my mother. Oh, it's a long, long road. I ran from her, but then married a narcissist, and it took me 13 years to get away from him.
@julieclifford7698 Жыл бұрын
“Can’t be fully loved by someone who doesn’t understand that you are separate from them….” Wowza. I love you.. for me… Much love you’re super helpful… a life saver six years previous … Ei.. xo
@kaye6662 жыл бұрын
"I love you as long as you do what I want at all times and have no independent and inconvenient needs of your own that in no way benefit me"
@charumiglani52032 жыл бұрын
Dr.Ramini you are a real authority in decoding the narcissists . I am amazed every day how you put them under electron microscope 🔬 and find yet one more aspect of theirs.😊 Hats off 👏 to your brain 🧠 .
@ratgirl132 жыл бұрын
They can’t give you what they don’t have-to expect reciprocity is like drawing from an empty well-it yields nothing.
@chocomintlicious Жыл бұрын
Now that I have more insights about the way narcs loves and behaves, I start to let go of my grief and start to accept what happened to me.. thank you Dr. Ramani, your channel makes my days bearable
@emilienordgardien81442 жыл бұрын
This easter I broke off the contact with my father. We have had a really turbulent relationship, and my whole life when I have been in the same room as him I have felt so bad and "small", but could never put a finger on why. But this easter his true colors really showed off (again), and that's when I saw it - this video is literally answering the question I have been wondering about for the past 15 years, and it is giving me peace. Thank you so so much, doctor Ramani!
@istateyourname47102 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for helping me to make sense out of so much Narcissistic abuse. When you mentioned children~I flashed on the time my malignant Narcissist Father was in the hospital & I took my then 2 year old son to visit. He kept saying, 'He probably shouldn't be in here & that I should take him out of the room.' Only later did I realize my adorable son was getting too much attention from hospital staff and visitors, and my Narc Father didn't like that!!
@Catawomb12 жыл бұрын
I haven’t checked if people regularly tell you that in comments, but thank you for your regularity, Dr Ramani. Posting quality content daily is a lot of work and you do it for your subscribers ♥️ And for people who need reassurance, your daily presence is then always very comforting. Thank you for teaching us so much and for your benevolence 🌺 Wishing you all the best ✨
@ruthpamela2024 Жыл бұрын
U r my therapist Dr Ramani. Everytime i get triggered by my narc coparent, i run to u n binge your videos until am feeling better. Thank you so much n may God bless you abundantly❤
@phyllisjeancapps35422 жыл бұрын
I so appreciate your sharing your knowledge on this horrible and tragic subject! I was legally tied to what I believe is a malignant narcissist for 11 very long years. Thank you for all you do!
@jennifergreen82722 жыл бұрын
Holy cow! You have described my parents to a tee. Often growing up there would be an acknowledgment that one of them becomes mean and distant once a baby>toddler>kid gets a little older. So now that I am a mom my kids (7 & 8) are being described as "leaving that cute age", "getting their own lives", "not as fun", "not interested in me", and "get TOO big". My niece and nephew ( 2 & 3) are in that "perfect stage", "cute stage", "so smart". I have known the fear in my heart of my kids getting to the age where my parents will sabotage the relationship. My therapist assures me they are going to safely walk through these times with my help - and that it is helping them navigate the world in an autonomous and emotionally secure way. Thank you for describing it - it has helped me see what is actually happening here.
@carineii67472 жыл бұрын
Save your children. Keep them away from these highly disturbed and disordered people, until they are old enough to differentiate normal from crazy.