Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZfaq. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZfaq. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

It's just such a painful feeling to want something so much cuz everyone around you gets to have it, but you don't get to have it. No matter how much you try to reach for it; life, and the universe, and the entire world gets to feel wanted and desirable, but not you. And you try to accept the fact that you'll never even get to taste what most people get multiple servings of a day, but it just eats away at you until you feel like a hollow shell of who you used to be. Too overcome by the years of loneliness and being taunted from every direction by a life that could've been yours being lived by people who rarely even consider how privileged they are to have someone that makes them feel worthy of being loved.

I feel like I self sabotage. I get close to someone and then back away because I wonder how they could ever love someone so unlovable. It’s so painful.

Glad I found this video. I had an epiphany some days ago. People often tell others that they need to love themselves first before others can do. I've always found that to be a shortcircuit. Something felt entirely wrong with that message. BTW, it evokes shame too. There are more steps. 1. Childhood neglect 2. You become your wound and accept it as your identity 3. You cannot bear your "identity", hence you neglect and push others away before they can do it to you, and in doing so, they confirm that you are unlovable 4. Your internalized rejection (aka self-rejection) is reflected back to you by others. That is a whole different story.

Wowowowwowow this Psychotherapist is on the level of enlightened people!!! Wowowow awesome to see you out there doing that!

Whenever I try self-compassion techniques, one and/or another thing happens. Either I have this sense of forcing the feelings of compassion onto myself, leading to much dissapointment, and another reason to beat my self up some more. Or, I feel a shield/wall surrounding me, blocking the kindness from entering, because I don't feel like I deserve it. In a nuthsell, trying to tell myself that "I deserve happiness and I'm good enough", brings me more pain. The same thing happens when anyone else, family or partner or friend, says something nice to me. I hurt more. What can I do?

I think I’m in the disconnection stage. I have felt worthless and unloveable everyday of my life since I was very little. I recently started to work on my self esteem and through that it is how I’ve managed to start doubting those negative beliefs about myself. What I’m struggling with is gathering evidence for the new positive beliefs I’m trying to integrate though. I’m pretty lonely and don’t have much friends so it’s hard not to slip back to my old negative, self-hating ways a lot of times since I’m often isolated and don’t have much human interaction.

Alan I really need to compliment you for this: your videos are so 'human'. Whenever I feel down and want to understand what is going on with me, what has been triggered and how to take action you videos are the most helpful. And this is because they not only offer valuable information, but they feel so validating, so authentic. They make me feel like I'm safe, supported and choosing to heal. Thank you!

I never knew that I was unlovable until I had a mystical experience where I was hit in an instant with the all knowing that “I am unlovable “ was the core belief. At that moment all instances lined up themselves in a line and all together, bear in mind that I describing a mystical experience, and in that time it was my truth. It was my truth that I thought of myself as unlovable. I started historically laughing about this untrue belief. Of course I’m lovable. I’m kind and beautiful woman and I actually like myself. There is nothing wrong with me, only a broken brain which thinks untrue thoughts, haha. I accept it and I love it. I don’t wait for anyone anymore to love me. I do the job, I’m worth it.

This is very helpful thank you! This is where I am at I've identified with being unlovable and worthless for so long I have been it! And now I'm unhooking from it feels like grief!! I am going to write a letter of goodbye to that part of me! Thank it for helping and let it go! I love your videos and really like that way you explain things thank you

Oh this is me. I am the feeling...always gathering evidence. I often thought the only way to stop this was to exit...

I'm too fucked up to be loved. Yea nah. This is a firm belief. Im not greiving for a damn thing. Too many lies. So much bs in the damn world. I just dont deserve love. And im too fucked up as a human being to deserve it. It is who I am. Theres nothing else.

This is so healing and beautiful. I am so grateful I have found your channel. I am a licensed social worker going through a final discard and it’s been extra shame to know I am a trained clinician and still I have not completed my own healing and am again suffering another discard that should in no way be a surprise and still has brought me so much pain and finally I’ve accepted and seen it - my need to heal and that healing my inner wounds is the only thing to do. No amount of pleading and trying to fix the external works when the inner self has been neglected. I am just so grateful for your videos they speak to the truth and being comfort hope and motivation. You are a blessing.

I tremendously value all your bodies as someone who was abandoned as a child by my mother. Never give up! ❤

I am doing this work and feel proud of myself 🤗 this has been a 20+ year process and I wish your KZfaq channel had been around in 1995! 😆 you are spot on with everything you say 🤩

My dad was absent my whole life and I searched him out. Then I found him and it was uncomfortable to build a relationship so I rejected him. He stopped trying to reach out to me and I was like see I knew he'd abandon me again. Because he never wanted me I thought no man would, so I stopped dating and have been alone. During that time I built my raft of suffering and reflected but I'm letting it go now im to the other side. I see me differently now. I'm going on that adventure with my good enough self.

Bye, raft! Lots of self-care today and onward. xoxo

I do the work. I get knocked down. I don’t like the loop. This video really resonates. Gotta leave the raft at the shore and run towards my future like my life depends on it. Why, because it does.

I watched your videos 4 years ago and they helped me a lot with understanding the attachment trauma issues and I felt somehow understood. But really, it is now, after few years of emotional work that I’ve done this really makes sense to me. I am in a place where I can say “Hi Unlovable! I know you’re there and I can see you and feel you but you’re not so painful as you once were!”. It’s such a relief after those horrible years of emotional pain. I’m so proud of myself that I managed to go through these shitty feelings and now with some new insights from same videos I can go even further to reach my truest happy self. Guys, it is really working but you really have to throw yourself to a deep journey of feeling and understanding your emotions. Thank you Alan I really appreciate your work! 😊

Ohhh, this is pure gold! Thank you soooo much dr.Alan Robarge! I just can't get enough of your videos! Precious!

Yeah I agree but when feeling unlovable becomes my identity I become so unreachable and scared, I feel stuck and the addictions and behaviours I used to protect me become extremely self destructive and out of control, my life and health rapidly fall apart which emphasises the unlovable feeling. I feel like dying is the only way out when I reach a certain stage or depth of misery.

I understand now. Most of it. You helped me see through the thick fog.

Thank you so much for this 💜

This explains me-completely

great post and thank you for making this video. This is a big topic for many people. Thank you

That's all I've ever known

Thank you!

I love his work!!!!!!!

The title of this video sums up my whole life 😅

Very good video! Thank you!!

Thank you for this

I as I watch this video I literally couldn’t hear another word about how great your online community is, which I would love to be a part of. My frustration comes from my my own disappointment for my financial situation and therefore unable to partake in sharing and learning from others such as myself like you speak of. Quite interesting that is this particular video that I’m having a reaction to. I have been feeling extremely unlovable and you’re right the world around me reflects that.....because that’s my filter. The pain and suffering is near debilitating as I try to remember who I am. At this point remembering the essence of who I am is what gets me by. I feel more alone than I could’ve ever imagined possible. With my kids grown and the unforeseen ending of a seven-year relationship, (2yrs ago now) I’m literally struggling with maintaining purpose. Self betrayal has never been more evident as I’ve spent the better part of the last year sleeping with my ex, who’s made it clear doesn’t want a future with me and continuing my isolation from the world to the point of exclusion. I break my own heart and with your videos I’m learning and understanding why. Thank you , I appreciate you very much C

This was so amazing, thank you!!

This is incredible, thanks.

This is Jennifer Sinclair. This video is all about my mother! I absolutely LOVE Alan Robarge!

Thank you. I need to look into getting your book. You are a very gifted therapist.

Really good.

You are so wise! You describe the process so well…I’ve ditched the raft for the most part .. 🤗

You are brilliant and I think this material is just top-notch. Hope everyone discovers and benefits from this amazingly helpful and grounded information.

Thank YOU man, you are really a life sa ver.

your serie helped me alot. thank you from the bottom of my heart bro. 👍👍👍🙏🤙

Thé unworthiness wound kept me from thé pain of rejection

Thanks like always

Thank you.

I love Alan Robarge. Such a kind and perceptive human being.

Its so past time. I'm about of time. I seek peace and not feeling left out.

Thank you

the raft metaphor was accurate 🤯

resonate

This is great! Thank you

I saw so much of this in high school, I thought it was normal.

POV: You are being gaslit

The more I affirmed my ex the more she moved away from me.. till we split. She is such a special and beautiful woman , I just couldn't convince her that my eyes were not fooling me , she is really special. She believes and stated she is a bad person.. I gave up

Awesome video. Thank you! How much do you charge, I would like therapy w you.

Damn..... you seem to literally be inside my head. I suffer from Aspergers and tend to stutter when nervous. I do have a lot of close friends but in terms of romantic relationships I don’t feel good enough. My reasoning is that Women want a confident and suave Man and I tend to give off an insecure vibe as I never know the right things to say.

I am crying 😭😭😭😭

As imperfect humans we all have some unloveable characteristics. Love is sacrificial decision. I choose to love myself because I love that I can love others in spite of my and their issues and problems. I have been married to a woman for 30+ years who feels the same way.

I love myself but I wonder if someone else does.

Intégrateur(accepté) thé part of me which thinks am unloveable

Is this only directed to yo-yo unlovable feelers? There are some of us out there, that are so ugly that we would make Quasimodo look like a Calvin Klein model. We are the definition of unlovable. I know there is a lot of people saying it is in the inside that counts. But it’s like me telling a homeless that money does not matter. Do you still believe that for people like us, it is still a psychological issue?

9 of my best friends left me and basically chose someone else. I don't think im unloveable i think im nothing

What if I feel unlovable because I am unattractive?

I wish there was a way of changing me, but I'm affraid I am irredeemable. And it's not by choice. There is no such thing as letting go of this "raft" you keep bringing up.

Is it free to join

Your video has been so informative and helpful in identifying the source of my shame.She looks Soo pitiful.Standing in line of the salvation army waiting for hand outs(lol). Better hurry and say goodbye, get her off to shore Before the president builds a wall

I refuse to internalise thé belief of shame

But what if it's true

But what when it's true ?, history has taught you this .