There's also the "I am as a person wrong, I should not exist" version. No matter what you do, how much you try, you just feel like a glitch your entire life. I wonder how that comes about.

My parents are very well aware of how badly they screwed up with me because every time I bring up past memories they get very defensive. (40 now)

Saying NO is an act of self-care and self-respect, allowing you to prioritize your own needs and best interests. It is not selfish or rude, but rather a healthy and necessary boundary to set for yourself. By saying NO, you are saying YES to yourself and making sure that your own well-being is a top priority.

The only thing different for me is I tend to skew "suicide" not "jail." But yeah, when you're a horrible person whose existence hurts everyone else, you just want to remove yourself from the world and all the reminders of the many ways in which you suck.

This video sadly is so relatable to me, you begin to question everything about yourself because it always seem it’s your own personal fault. Looking back at past mistakes and wishing you could change them, you have to learn that you won’t be able to, but you do learn that it makes you a better person for the future. Love yourself and you can accomplish anything, despite your flaws, you’re still amazing.

Social anxiety, Toxic shame and Complex Trauma explained in 3 minutes.

The worst thing is that this feeling is brought into adult life. And society does treat them as guilty!

I’ve been guilty of something all my life. Spent half of the time hiding. This video is so amazing.

I remember taking driving lessons and we got stuck in traffic. The teacher asked me why I was getting stressed. I said I felt I was doing something wrong to cause this jam. He smiled and said "ah, you're one of those" 😅

It’s so sad to see how many people relate to this ( including myself) but with the new year coming I want to go commit to growing past this 🙏🏽

But unfourtunately, the people who should feel guilty for mistreating their children, now and in the past, don't feel guilty at all.They have the best excuses at hand, up to the one:" If you didn't behave that way and triggered me, we would have gotten along just fine and I would have loved you the way you wanted me to."

And hence most parents who have not processed their own traumas should not be parents. We are intrinsically whole, but many upbringings tell us otherwise

So... how do I get rid of it? .. I'm so tired of making it up to people I've never wronged... and feeling guilty for everything I do.

I grew up with a persistent feeling of guilt. It was so bad that I saw a counsellor when I was 14 and cried, telling her I held so much guilt inside but didn't know where it came from. I told her guilt had been there my whole life and that it was the main emotion I feel. I always compared myself to everyone else and wondered why can't I be like them? It was just guilt that I wasn't good enough and that I was the cause of all my parents problems. Some of my guilt slowly went to anger and then finally to pain. But to survive we have to blame ourselves not the people around us, because if we didn''t it would've threatened our survival... the pain we internalise for things done to us not our fault

What we all have to remember is we are human. Emotional beings. Be kind to yourselves and walk away from negativity if it gets too much. Sometimes its only a phase people go through. This journey is full of ups an downs and there is an end for us all. Enjoy it and don’t pressure yourself. Much love all from a ex self loather ❤️

I was literally thinking abt this and googling about it just 2 minutes ago. I feel guilty about enjoying anything be it watching a movie or eating good food. I feel guilty just thinking about my parents. If I'm upset i feel like punishing myself by taking away something I love. When I see underprivileged people or animals I feel guilty about the life I have. Its horrible feeling and I try to ignore it to my best. Considering talking to a therapist, idk why I cant open up to one, maybe I subconsciously feel they'll judge me or wont understand me or will say that I'm just pretending

I feel so called out. I always fear offending others and always fear the guilt. Religions play guilt the best in my opinion as a cycle to keep flocks in control.

It's unnerving how precisely in time for me this video was published, thank you

Last night, a part of my past showed up in a nasty way. It made its way into the life I was trying to build without it and I finally thought I had done so. I have worked hard in therapy to stop calling myself a bad person, but last night made all those feelings come back. On top of that I experienced a rejection last night and all I can do is think about what I did wrong or why I’m not good enough, even though this person has explained at nausea and it’s not me that’s the issue. Amazing the timing of this video.

We crucify ourselves for the wrongs done to us by our loved ones because we believe that we're not enough for the image that we have created of them in our heads, that we constantly run to for cover from the outside world.

Brought up in an alcoholic house ( which was terrifying at times) I've always felt guilty. My Wife made the most of that to make me feel bad about myself with every disagreement we had. As soon as I realised the game and gained more insight about what was going on and why the marriage didn't last much longer.

I've been bullied for my entire childhood (from my classmates, not parents) and I feel like I am just now starting to understand just how much this ruined me.

So true. I went through this: alcoholic step dad and a mother that admitted that she should have aborted me. I only recently realized I have anxiety: I overthink, self-blame and relive bad or embarrassing situations over and over. Slowly realizing I'm only hurting myself, it's time to breathe.

I noticed this for the first time when I was starting to fall for this guy. He was soo into me and I couldn't explain why. In my mind I was thinking, he will probably leave me when he starts to really see me. The problematic thing is that then it actually happens, you become so scared to lose that person that you start acting in a way that pushes them away

From my childhood up until my mid-20's, I have had people constantly say to me, "It's your fault." Doesn't matter if I did anything productive or not. It took me a lot of years to realize I was just surrounded by hostile people. But the guilt still lingers in the back of my mind. Especially regarding relationships. Because I have never been in one. But somehow, everyone else has one.

This video hammered a nail into my heart when it talked about the fantasy of turning oneself to the police to find out just what one has done wrong. I have literally done this. Without getting into detail, the cops kindly told me no crime had been committed and the there was no need to turn myself in. It's complicated, but my family made me believe I had committed a crime and they made their claims with such conviction that I seriously started to think that maybe I suffer from memory lapses or that I was imagining it all as part of a psychotic break. And nothing was their fault. I knew what I did and it was about damn time I started to be "honest". After watching this video I know I have the right to never forgive my family for what they put me through.

I had parents not quite as bad as this, but way too indulgent with me which led to me to waste my talents and be completely ostracized. My parents were pretty much absent. I recognize that it could have been a lot worse, like they didn't actively bully me or anything. They just were not there when I need them the most. I can tell my development is very delayed because of this. I was also too immature and hid myself in a world of distraction pretending like my problems would go away if I waited long enough. 10 years of self loathing and self pitying hoping something or someone would wake up from this endless cycle. I've been on auto pilot, doing just enough to get by all these years much like a child, because my parents and the people around me never pushed me to make me realize what I had been missing out on. I'm 23 now and I feel like I've recently woken up from a 10 year coma. I've awakened this drive inside of me to not just be good but be the best version myself. Was it my fault ? Partially, was it my Parents? mostly. But it doesn't matter, what matters is the present and the future. And I refuse to be a victim to my past. I have the cards that I'm dealt with, and you best believe I will do my utmost to overcome. I take every negative experience as an opportunity to learn and improve.

The part about friends leaving eventually definitely hits home. Especially after being left by my wife almost a year ago and having almost no family that has anything to do with me. I have lots of friends again but there is always that underlying feeling that yes, these too will leave me at any moment.

Here are some ideas and resources that could be helpful to those of us who suffer from self hatred. I have mentioned some of them before: 1. This is what the most famous psychotherapist in Turkey said, after 50 years of listening to people's sorrow and pain: " All my life, I have been trying to protect people from themselves"... Those of us who are familiar with self hatred know that even if there is no one there to criticise you, you have enough voices inside that do the job on a daily basis. It is like living with a roommate who is always there right next to you, whose only mission is to sabotage everything that is in your best interest. You are totally convinced that you are less worthy than anybody else, you have feelings of profound shame and guilt for no reason, you are unable to ask for help, even for the smallest favour. It is as if you constantly feel like " apologising" for existing in this world. Mindfulness meditation helps a lot to deal with this. If you think you aren't able to do it, just google this and try this guided meditation. The teacher Diana Winston is wonderful: " Weekly podcast at the Hammer, UCLA " Choose one episode that is about helping you to cultivate loving kindness towards yourself. 2. One sentence that always calms me down is this: " We are what we make out of what had been done to us". ( I am not sure if I translated it probably, but I have heard it from Gabriel Rolon and in Spanish it is: " Somos lo que hacemos con lo que hicieron de nosotros". ) It reminds me of something the poet Londfellow says: "If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility". Well, this also counts for the enemy that we have created inside! We don't even know our own " secret history" to begin with. If we could tell it to ourselves properly, going way back to our childhood and everything that went wrong back then, we wouldn't be so hostile towards ourselves either. There is a wonderful TED Talk about this by the psychologist Lori Gottlieb. She invites you to tell yourself the " true version of your story". The speech is called: " How changing your story can change your life". 3. Listening to psychology podcasts is very helpful too. When you hear other people's stories, you feel so much compassion for them. Eventually, by seeing how much you have in common with all of them, you may direct that compassion to yourself too. Here are some that helped me a lot: -Dear Therapists with Lori Gottlieb and Guy Winch ( The episode " Molly's father's suicide really got to me ! ) -The Psychology podcast with Scott Barry Hoffmann -The Confessional with Nadia Bolz Weber ( Here every person tells the story of the worst thing they have ever done. But then you see why they are all worthy of forgiveness and compassion ) -Shrink Rap Radio ( The oldest psychology podcast on the planet ) -Where should we begin ( Real therapy sessions with real couples! ) -Entiende tu mente ( for friends who speak Spanish ) 4. The book " Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. Maria Popova, the founder of the wonderful Brain Pickings website, who must have read thousands of books in her life says that Tara Brach is the person who helped her the most and in fact she almost saved her life! You will certainly become more tender and feel less alone and anxious after reading this book. Tim Ferriss recommended it on several occasions too. He openly talks about the self hatred he suffered from, for years, despite enormous success. He says this book helped him enormously. 5. Elisabeth Gilbert has this beautiful idea that is very wise and tender: She says that we all want to be good and kind in this world. And indeed we have a great opportunity at hand: since we have ourselves 24 hours available, the best way to really "practise" this sort of kindness is to start with ourselves! 6. The lesson " Overcoming bad inner voices" from this channel is very helpful too. 7. For friends who would love to transform all that shame and guilt into something beautiful by simply being creative, but are too afraid to be seen, Ethan Hawk's TED Talk " Give yourself permission to be creative" is incredibly inspiring and encouraging!!! 8. The episode called " How to stop the war against yourself" from the " Ten Percent Happier " podcast is very consoling and full of valuable insights too. The guest is Tara Brach! Thank you for this very valuable lesson and for the wonderful animation!

Alain de Botton has the best voice in the whole wide world!

Whilst I agree with the majority of this, and relate to it deeply, I take issue with the conclusion that we should exchange self flagellation for 'a little bit of righteous anger'. Anger has its uses in the short term, but it is a slippery slope. I have spent years hoping that my dad would finally apologise for the pain he caused, and I have had so many nightmares about still being angry, still hating him whilst he's on his death bed. The reality is that he has had worse mental health issues than me, and is a very confused man who turned to drink to ease his own pain. Being angry at someone who is deeply deeply flawed themselves can only get you so far, and acceptance is a much more realistic path to find a way forward. I have learned to accept him for who he is, and will help him as he ages. I can do better than just being angry at people who wronged me.

I was taught that i was wrong by my peers and mom, now im all fucked up, thanks mom and peers

This is true . I'm the victim of it this get's very hard in adolescence 😢

This video is so relatable. Each time I feel lonely or unloved, I start to wonder if I did something wrong to deserve this.

I need to keep this in mind for the rest of my life.. sigh.

You have basically narrated my whole life - I feel seen. Thank you for this unexpected virtual hug.

The last example makes a lot of sense to me. I often find myself mentally apologizing - it's a preconscious compulsion to ease my anxiety. Only when I catch myself do I realize I'm not apologizing for anything in particular.

Well, I certainly feel seen.

All parents do mistakes. Whether they appologize or not certain impacts cannot be undone. The best and practical approach is to give an expiry date to blaming our parents, take control of the steering wheel as quoted somewhere. The only way an individual can be happy is by finding it by himself and letting the past go. The cycle of parenting will continue...we are all human beings who cannot be perfect... Learn to come to consensus with reality, past or present...

This is so freaking awful it nearly made me cry. It's a lifetime of healing. The only real solution to this suffering is to realize that you are lovable and capable and to forgive your parents and pity them for they also had suffered from their parents. This suffering ends with you. Let go of all the shame, guilt, and anger, and replace it with love for yourself and others.

I experienced the same feelings growing up and right into adulthood and always tried to overcompensate with "people pleasing" i went into a room full of people, meet new friends of friends, subconsciously believing "they know I'm a bad person and see right through me". I remember the first time my boss called me to his office, i was so scared and preparing an answer for something i didn't even know because i thought i had done something wrong and that he'd finally figured me out and realized he made a mistake by hiring me. I'm 38 now and habe not completely gotten over this, but I'm way better than before. I go into a room or meet people and tell myself "i am a good person to be around, i am a wonderful person, i am not perfect and so are these people, and if some of them happen not to like me, it is not because of me it is who they are." it made me feel better and i would always have fun without always looking out for signs that people don't like or enjoy me bzing around.

I tend to think this way about myself, but after some honest reflection, I realized it's a form of self-centeredness. Not the self-centeredness that says, "I'm the best." Rather it's the self-centeredness that says, "I'm the worst." The problem is the same in both kinds of self-centeredness. We are centered on ourselves. The video hits on the solution. It's love. But to be clear, the solution is not only to be loved by another, but more importantly to love another.

I hate that this is my reality. I don't know how to heal from this.

This is proving to be the most difficult part in processing the passing of my mother. She was by all accounts a wonderful mother. Did everything in her power to ensure that I had what I needed. The sad part is how her power and abilities were limited by illness. So even though she was a wonderful person I am having to grapple with the fact that, through no fault of my mom or anyone else I know, I did not get the care I needed. I feel so guilty for this trauma. Because my mother did her absolute best. She tried so hard. Held on for so much longer than anyone had a right to expect of her. Where should I place this anger? While the trauma is from my mom it feels wrong to place it with her. It feels wrong to place it with my father as our relationship has grown and healed over the years. It is necessary to let go of this anger. It is just a lot to let go of. Decades worth of frustration and disappointment. Hopefully time continues to help me heal and understand myself better. Thank you for the reminder that it wasn't my fault. I deserve my love, not my hatred.

The hardest part is our brains are not actually capable of remembering events when all of this often starts. We only remember experiences after this shame has already taken root, and so we logically assume this is simply who we are and how we were born- which only adds to the confusion and pain. But if you keep at it, you can find a way out. your life is your life don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission. be on the watch. there are ways out. there is light somewhere. it may not be much light but it beats the darkness. be on the watch. the gods will offer you chances. (excerpt from The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski)

Thanks so much! It’s amazing how many social institutions lean into this imbalance as a way to control people.

Those feelings can also arise when you haven't been treated wrong (at least not worse than the average flaws that every parent commits.) I remember feeling awful for being happy and privileged while so many other people in the world have to suffer. The result: a subconscious contract with myself that I don't deserve to be happy as long as anyone else in the world isn't. This lead to a lot of self-sabotaging my own happiness along the way.

The Isolation part is so real. I just want to change my number and start over for relief

I used to be that guy, now I hate both parents with a passion & am still pissed off the worse of the two's still alive!

Even those who' ve done us wrong... they have been also treated wrong by others... its a circle..its nobody's fault ..but its in our hands to find the cure and move forward ...

Thank you very much, it's amazing how much we internalise as children. If our parents are upset, we think that it's because we must have done something wrong, and this carries over into our adulthoods.

Damn I know how that feels it definitely hit close for me feelings of guilt whenever my mother brings up what I did in the past when I try to move on

Such people that do this to their children should be called monsters not parents.

Wow! My mother always saying that I hate her when it’s not true. This Christmas when I wanted to discuss that she said that there was always something wrong with me, I’m crazy and I should go to therapy. Actually I did and that’s when I realised that my whole life she is blaming me for the things I haven’t done.

I pray for everyone who struggles w this, we can get better no doubt about it ❤

I feel so guilty for everything

This video is my childhood in a nutshell. So hard to watch 😢❤

This channel is definitely reading my mind with these videos.

your videos make me cry so much. I grew up being told that I was the reason for every problem that ever befell my family. i stopped asking for anything and everything of need just to ease the burden I am to them.

This is EXACTLY me as a child. EXACTLY THE SAME.

This came at the right time, I've currently realised that I have guilt complex but trying to figure out where it came from is difficult.

That’s fuckin crazy how much light this shed holy shit

This is so beautifully said,and very true!!

We have to give ourselves the love we always needed. Its the only way to heal.

Low-key mind-blowing & very helpful - thank you!

I'm constantly thinking I will be told off for something. But I'm a 32 year old man who lives by himself..

So this sort of explains why I can’t seem to make any new friends at all, for fear they see me as “bad” or “evil” for what I have been in my past, even I know that I need to let that go and move on. It’s just that hard when you have lost almost everything from drug addiction and depression, then having to walk away from everyone I once knew as “friends”. I’m now 41 and basically alone. I don’t like being alone or feeling lonely, it hurts.

three minutes and almost brought me to tears. to everyone here, you did not deserve it💔

This video really helped me! This was precisely the reason of my lack of boundaries and the major root of my overthinking, thinking too much about all my previous steps, to explain why some people do me wrong, when I wasn't actually the problem. Of course we are not always right (being wise is above all being righteous and having discernment), but this is also true for all the other people on this planet.

I would use the word shame rather than guilt. Anybody agree? A small quibble, as this is spot on.

I can’t explain how much this video means to me, thank you❤

I was so confused when you said you felt your videos are unprofessional. Because to me, they’re so casual and “digestible” that it feels like I’m watching videos that a friend sent me while she’s abroad and that’s why I love watching your videos! You’ve shown me a different kind of life that people live that I, across the globe has opened my eyes to. I like your unfiltered videos where you don’t stage every single thing before filming and really show life! Please don’t ever stop your channel! Especially the food and daily life videos!

I am that little boy and I m 49 now, never had a successful relationship and still long to be loved

That was just what i needed to hear, thank you!

This is painfully accurate 😢 Ive been struggling with this lately and it feels like the Lord spoke to me🥺❤️ Psalms 34:18 He saves the crushed in Spirit and binds up their wounds

I don't know why but I feel relieved when I hear your voice

Wow, this 100% hit home.. when I was a kid my mom was always stressed, my dad distant and they both was always hugging and kissing my siblings.. Always thought I did something wrong even tho I was a very quiet nerd kid. To this day, i still have problems with relationships and friendships, I'm always thinking I'm doing something wrong and they say I'm always saying sorry but it's just because I feel like a bad person

This is a great angle on the different types of OCD that people experience. Fear of _____, stemming from childhood trauma.

Thank you so much for making this video!

I needed this today.

This makes so much sense, I gained some really powerful insights. Thank you so much.

Thank you for this video ❤

Where would I be without these videos that seem curated for my exact difficulties? The most reassuring sign for me that we are not entirely unworthy as a species. My sincerest thanks.

My mom be manipulating me on how she is always right and I'm always wrong. So at the end I'm the one feeling disappointed in myself and my self esteem is at rock bottom. Idk when I will be able to regain it. Cuz whenever I tell her she hurt me she argues back that is doing it for my good. My foot !!!!!! So now I hate myself very much ..

Something that took me until 30 to realize is that I am capable of healing from this feeling. And just the acceptance that I'm not whole, but someday I will be, has made all the difference.

The fact that they still do it breaks me

This is very helpful video, it’s good to understand this, it can help you feel better in daily life. It’s amazing how the way you been treated as a child can affect your whole life. Good luck to everyone 🍀

accurately said. I don't have words to thank you🙏🙏🙏

Having gone through some months of healing in my 40s, there are quite a lot of unpack nonetheless, these inner-work, meditation, self enquiry and being accountable on our own ego part, it is very important to release the anger or grief toward some sort of external elements. Ofc, being self harm, self sabotaging won’t heal some wounds like childhood violence or sexual abuse so the best way for me is to talk with therapist. Cause it’s not fair on your family or friends to hear these traumas over and over again and they are not professional. The quest of seeking therapist can be difficult until you see the one you can talk with openly and you keep on doing so together with your personal methods. Like, body you need great healthy food in order to keep the parts well until we die, the mind needs the right channel to outlets mind stuffs too. This vdo helped me a lot and I wish all the best for the survivors and healers out there.

wow thanks this was insightful (and painful)

We are lovable amazing people. Our resilience is why we are still here. The mantra for continual practice is 'I am more than good enough. I am so lovable and worthy of appreciation and respect.' See how many times you need to say it to yourself to counteract the appalling negative beliefs and thoughts that cripple your self esteem. You are divine and beautiful ❤.

every word spoken in this video describes my life and my soul. i now feel naked and exposed ...but in the most cathartic way.

For me, this video is VERY IMPORTANT!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. Thank you. 💓

Because we were children & they were the parent/authority over us, we were as much bullied by the negligent/toxic behavior of those whose judgement/example we were dependent upon, as we were bullied, _& left to be bullied,_ by our own condemning thoughts.

Wow... thats incredibly insightful.

_It's time to make yourself proud_ _and everyone else a little nervous_

brilliant and inspiring as always...

Your voice is calming

I'm 34 and I also have this problem because of past traumas (I have a very difficult father). These problems will never go away, but since I understand them, I accept them.