Therapist here. I will say that what can be relationally valuable about therapy is helping clients move away from being overly analytical of themselves. There is so much psych content available, which can be a good catalyst for self-awareness, but there is little value in dissecting every last detail of the question "why am I like this". Therapy helps draw the line between knowing enough information about yourself so then you can move into learning how to safely emotionally connect with yourself (and then others). Attachment strategies are great examples of knowing the "why" while still struggling with not knowing how to change that. Co-regulation is absolutely a critical piece of healing for all attachement wounding.

Avoidant loyalist here. I was dating a FA for around 2 years and she was the most caring and loving person in the world; if you got them in the right environment. She would have movements of avoidance but I’m very secure and would automatically give her space and would only take a day or two to come back. Clearly didn’t like talking about difficult stuff but with a partner willing to be vulnerable first they’ll also share. We’ve been broken for you a for a week and been in NC since she left. Was clearly extremely difficult for her to do it and could see the confusion, but I know I can’t chase as it’ll push and will be patient IF she wants to come back. If you’re not a secure person I can see why you’d find it hell, but if you’re stable and stand firm they tend to not swing as much (from my experience).

Yes. It’s like if a person was bit by a dog. What is needed if for them to be around several dogs who DON’T bite them to realize dogs can be safe.

as a fearful avoidant, I noticed I tend to be avoidant unless I'm dealing with a dismissive avoidant

As an FA I would agree that avoidance is the primary response. Why would I choose to chase after someone if I could withdraw and protect myself instead?

Maybe I’m the minority here, but I am apparently fearful avoidant. However, I am not fearful of losing my independence. I am fearful of being abandoned. If I’m not 💯 on how someone is feeling or maybe there has been a small change in communication, any sort of inconsistency, I get this overwhelming urge to run. I will start picking everything apart and convincing myself that I need to just bail. The only time I’ve ever felt anything close to “losing my independence” is when I have dated certain people and felt completely smothered. Upon much introspection, I have determined that these individuals all had the same thing in common. They were really kind people. Quite frankly, I didn’t know how to accept that energy because what is familiar to me is being abused… and whats familiar can become comfortable. With all of that being said, therapy. I recommend therapy, self assessment and accountability. Journaling is a wonderful tool.

Being a former fearful avoidant gives a unique perspective where you can empathize with both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. I've dealt with DAs before and I feel like I can take their behavior less personally because of my own avoidant tendencies. I can also empathize the reassurance anxious attachers need. From my own journey healing my attachment style I've learned that it isn't about you, it's an internal war the other person is having with themselves.

Yes…”Don’t leave me!” -- “ugh, you’re smothering me, I’m out of here”.

If you have healthy self-esteem, you will not tolerate a fearful avoidant constantly pushing you away and disappearing for weeks. Your emotional needs are simply not being met, and after so many beautiful moments spent together, it is inconceivable that the other person can behave like this and move away. And if you are patient and supportive, you will give yourself up. I've been in this and I think it's mission impossible without your partner having the foresight to seek medical help. Therefore, it is not possible to have a healthy relationship if your partner is constantly afraid of losing his independence. My girlfriend, when I got too close to her, disappeared for weeks, we didn't spend any time together because she avoided me, became depressed, and her personality completely fell apart. He tried to cool down the emotional chaos inside her. Constant emotional ups and downs. A lot of your energy and time is spent trying to figure out what could be wrong with you, what is really going on. It's an incredibly sad story that you became a part of and it will hurt a lot in the end, even though they could have been happy if she had taken care of herself a little and asked for help! This is my opinion!

Fearful avoidant here, leaning towards learned secure. The thing is that fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants avoid for very different reasons. Fearful avoidants avoid out of fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy because of past adverse experiences. Dismissive avoidants have a fear of engulfment/fear the lose of independence. The deactivating strategies of a dismissive avoidant can be very painful. That is why they get a bad rap. Some of their deactivating strategies include hyper focusing on real or perceived flaws in their partner. Also seeking other relationships so that the relationship doesn’t feel so engulfing to them. Having an idolized other that they compare you to. I agree that safe relationships are the cure. Fearful avoidant does surround themselves with unsafe connections because of the repetition compulsion. Ironically, the unsafe person feels safe because it feels familiar. I’ve had to teach myself what safety truly looks like and learn to titrate, or slowly expose myself to allowing safe others into my experience. Slow for the win.

My wife and I have been together 23 years. Only within the past couple years did we discover that I'm dismissive avoidant and she's fearful avoidant. We both have individual therapists and a couple's therapist. We've been working on issues, and trying to make changes. Speaking for myself as a DA, there is a lot that I never realized were issues, that seemed normal, and are extremely hard to change. Even after years of therapy. Also true about don't demonize people just because on an attachment style, it just takes some work, they're still people, and probably don't realize what they're doing. Also, I just discovered this channel today, extremely insightful.

We need to advocate for more benefits for mothers staying home paid until their child is 3 years old. Prevention is part of this equation. Most mothers work nowadays. That changed within the last 100 years or so- I doubt it's unrelated. I bet these numbers are less in the neatherland regions where more and better maternity leave is offered. This is definitely a multi faceted issue.

Yup! I leave before I am left. Then get mad that I don’t get chased. 😮

Fearful avoidants can turn secure partners by their actions anxious!

I have to say, the journey this channel has been on is absolutely a blessing to those who follow. I actually feel like you are honing in on the proper posture of the Heart to help our loved ones heal!

I’m an FA 😞 I’m so weary. People try to love me and I don’t know how to let them.

It's also important to point out that borderline personality disorder and Fearful Avoidant attachment aren't mutually exclusive. You can be a fearful avoidant and not have BPD.

Fearful avoidant here. It’s sad that the comment section on some of these videos are so judgemental. Anxious attachment is also considered insecure. We’ve all become this way for a reason. I come to these videos.. not only to understand myself, but also others that I love. We all deserve it. As far as empathy, I have been told many times that I’m quite empathetic. Sometimes I try to shut it off because it hurts SO MUCH. Injustice especially. I’ve developed coping mechanisms just to function w pain and loss. I’m in narrative somatic trauma therapy and practicing yoga and meditation. It is doing a world of good. It’s a shame that not all people have access to mental health care.

I am an FA that leans Dismissive but am mostly secure now. I 100% agree with this video. I'm only anxious when scenarios just like you described come up. As a child, I was labeled as just so happy and could entertain myself for hours. Hello! My parents meant well. I get so sick of avoidants always villanizing dissmives, like they play no part. I'm so grateful for you speaking some truth into this. I hope you do more of this because it actually makes avoidants accountable for their side of the street. Ultimately people don't know what they don't know. I get that but often all the "shoulds" is absurd. We all heal in relationship. First to ourselves and within a partnership of some kind. That takes courage, empathy, curiosity, mindfulness, non violent communication and the list goes on, regardless of your attachment style. Do the work on you no matter your attachment style and stop blaming. Your whole world will absolutely change! I refused to stay in victim mode. That strategy was no longer working for me.

I'm a fearful avoidant myself, with the borderline personality disorder diagnosis. Some quick background for reference... My mom is a covert narcissist whom also has borderline. My parents were married, and my dad is codependent on my mom to make the decisions and to dish out the discipline... My dad had two alcoholic parents and a little sister whom he took on the responsibility of taking care of. He wasn't present for much of the abuse or emotional manipulation, as he was trying to be responsible by going to school and working full time to better his family. For My moms mom I would take an educated guess that she has histrionic or antisocial personality disorder. Given severe depression and depression running on both sides of my family, that's a damn good chance for me to have inherited as well. Having grown up with my parents, I learned that mom was cruel, used manipulation tactics constantly, and I took on the black sheep role of the usual narcissistic family dynamics. I got in trouble so often for things I didn't do (I have 2 older brothers), that I started accepting that me getting in trouble was similar to a 50/50 coin toss. Fast forward 15 years, I'm now 33 and the majority of my adult relationships mimicked the same power dynamic as with my parents. I was used to getting in trouble for no reason, I didn't learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy manner, I wasn't even allowed to stand up for myself for fear of inflicting a narcissistic wound on mom, that's when she became physically abusive. Mom trained me how to be a doormat, to ignore my needs, and in order to survive, things would go best if I accommodated the person in the seat of power, soothed them when they were dysregulated, and stay out of their way otherwise. Part of my mom's manipulation tactics included secluding me from spending time with friends outside of school, by "grounding" me for extremely long periods of time (a whole summer one time), by convincing me that a particular friend I was getting close to was a bad choice of friend, or if that didn't work, she would restrict me from going to spend time with that friend. The combination of neglect, emotional manipulation, and physical abuse when I disagreed with her... And combine that with limited access to secure attachment style individuals because she isolated me, has led me to a place where I have very few actual skills (it's not like she went out of her way to teach me something that might eventually benefit me), I have the emotional regulation capacity of a toddler, and I have the social skills of a 10 year old, and a complete lack of knowledge about myself, my preferences, my needs, etc. That's how borderline personality comes about. Toss in that I was raped by my cousin whom was supposed to babysit me when I was 5 or 6. I reported it to my mom after it happened, and not only did she not believe me, I actually got in trouble for "lying" about it. Lo and behold, 6 months later, my younger female cousin was being babysat by the same older male cousin, and she was molested by him. Talk about not being protected from harm afterwards, nor empathized with. I wasn't even validated of the experience of being sexually abused. This kind of shit is what fucks people up bad enough to become fearful avoidants, to develop borderline personality disorder. I'm not justifying the bed behavior people notice about us when we're adults. Just consider, that WE WERENT taught healthy ways of existing, of dealing with stress, of teaming up for a shared goal. We are still responsible for improving as much as we can with our weaknesses, but please understand, we are not purposely trying to push people away. In fact, it's the last thing we want to do. We don't want to be alone, and we want to be loved as nearly unconditionally as possible. But we learned that manipulation is how to get our needs met. So we are somewhat toxic from others perspectives. We're not inherently cruel. Just have a lot of learning still to go.

Anxious attached person here. I just want to say to the avoidants on here who have taken the huge step of going to therapy and becoming brave enough to do so in order to better themselves that i have the biggest RESPECT for you! The sad thing ive noticed with my avoidant partner is he simply can not get the courage to go to therapy at all yet contsantly complains how he is no good and this or that but makes zero effort to change that. Which is why im here commenting. Sigh..

I'm a FA... and have been separated 2 times and divorced 2 times to the same AA after 28yr relationship. I started EMDR, Ego state and attachment therapy for my untreated childhood CPTSD in 1/2022. I agree, my relationship with my trauma therapist is helping me regulate my emotions while I integrate my subconscious parts (traumatized inner children- my triggers) flashbacks, etc! My inner critic no longer plagues me into avoidant, toxic shaming behavior! My nervous system is something I treat seriously... nurturing, caring for. To be honest my nervous system was never on my radar as something I had the capacity to regulate. As I build resilience emotionally, neurologically I have the capacity to be aware with my behavior... I no longer let the inner children/ triggers "drive the bus" and sabotage my behavior via 4F (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) response. As a result my bio kids are experiencing a father who is no longer extreme/toxic avoidant! As I manage my emotional regulation, I'm modeling that for them... maybe one day they will experience an integrated nervous system and be more securely attached! 🙏 namaste!

This is interesting, I became FA in adulthood after a long term relationship.

Thank you for this video. I just recently found out I am a fearful avoidant a month and a half ago after my ex left me for a 2nd time because my issues weren't resolved. I have been trying to learn about this attachment style to heal from my traumas I never knew I had and videos like these help calm me down knowing I'm not the only one acting the way I did by being afraid to open up emotionally with anyone or even setting boundaries for myself with anyone and just allowed whatever treatment since I was used to it my whole life. I am working on healing with therapy, journaling and meditation. Its a tough road but I know the end result is worth relivong everything to fully heal

Appreciate the compassion here a lot. People who disparage DA / FA styles have been really hurt (and I have also felt that way about DAs) and lash out in response. I'm an FA and I do want to get better. The key question is: can your FA have vulnerable conversations about their feelings, and can each person take responsibiilty for their anxiety and not make it the other person's job to fix?

I think what you're saying here is that there is no place in this world for anxious avoidants and anxiety in their partners. That's maybe unrealistic. The truly securely attached partner would bin them fast leaving only those insecure/questioning and empathetic in the end. Anxious avoidants beware: you will only attract empathic and slightly anxious/insecurity attached people 😢

Good luck, finding secure people, who would like to invite unsecurely attached people into their lives.

This was interesting research that confirms my own process. The only disagreement I have is that relationship with someone external is not required for healing. I have found with IFS a relationship within myself that serves as the only consistent and constant relationship in my life. That internal relationship is where my healing has been found as even the most trained and skilled therapists trigger my sense of safety.

You're incredible! Thank you for humanizing us when everyone else sees us as the villains 🙏

I have sympathy for FA's, but this unfortunately isn't a solvable problem. As you pointed out, the numbers are growing and that's because the number of narcissists are also growing that create them in the first place. Effective treatment for narcissism doesn't currently exist mainly because their brains are underdeveloped in specific regions like the area responsible for empathy. Without brain regenerative medicine, no amount of therapy can teach them empathy. Psychedelics can have a hugely positive impact on narcissists because of their ego dissolution properties, but again, it isn't permanent. A profound experience doesn't trump existing brain damage. Personally, I think it's too late for society, particularly America, because the issue has went misunderstood for far too long. Eventually, there will be more narcissists than non-narcissists. Over the past few years there's been a very obvious rise in their numbers and a "coming to power" if you will. The normals not understanding and being apathetic has doomed us all. You can't treat a society that thinks they're perfect while the other half ignorantly idolizes them.

Yep, I like the way you progress Chris. This channel is going deep. I'm in a situation of post-breakup of a 14 years old relationship with FA, probably BPD. I lived through all these stuff you were talking about in this video, and it's absolutly makes sense.

The problem I see with avoidants is that in any healthy relationship it’s not ok to just avoid your partner (mine avoided me for 2 months) regardless of being fearful or not. Lack of communication and commitment will always result in the slow or fast destruction of a relationship

Great video. My only concern is that even someone securely attached can develop anxious attachment patterns just from being in a relationship with someone who has fearful-avoidant tendencies. Something we should be talking about more in this context.

You are completely correct. My ex stayed around to the same person who made her like this. And you can’t heal in the environment that made you sick. If after therapy they go backthe their life with the same people, that will undo everythhing.

nice work. tks for putting in the effort and undemonizing the polarizing issues.

soooooooooooo true for me. as a matter of fact, so ballistically true i thought i was anxious preoccupied because of how alarm bells insane i got with one person. it was so shocking and unbelievable i was like, this must be it. the big fat avoidance was absolutely eclipsed and i could not see it. was completely unconscious but my real true actual baseline is literally super avoidant which i was completely blind to. like even though i knew full well that i "play tough girl" and aloof. but it didnt even connect i was uncomprehending. i was always so perplexed by coworkers gossiping im like an 'ice queen' ... when in reality i mostly hermetically seal myself away from others to keep the treacherous emotions inside top secret under wraps.. sheesh

Im a fearful avoidant… slowly becoming more secure. I feel the swinging but yeah im mostly avoidant. As soon as the discussion moves towards entering a relationship, I feel panic in my chest and all I can think about is run away. But when someone doesn’t respond to my affection or desire to move closer, I feel panic that Im going to be abandoned. If there is no assurance when im being vulnerable, I flip out and sabotage.

Wow! Thank you for this. I am new to really diving deep into attachment theory. I initially thought I was fearful avoidant, but then started thinking I was dismissive avoidant because independence is such a prominent feature in my life. Then I just took Thais Gibson’s test and result was fearful avoidant, so I wasn’t sure what to think. This video and the research you present does so much to clarify this for me. Part of what threw me off was the idea that chaos in a family of origin was what often leads to fearful avoidant and I didn’t think of my family as chaotic but more emotionally unavailable/neglectful, but this explains what “chaos” can actually mean as far as attachment theory goes. I unfortunately had sexual abuse thrown in the mix and got into a physically/emotionally/sexually abusive relationship in college and I think all of this sort of put me off relationships, except I always sort of held out hope that a good one would come along eventually. I’m now in my 50s and haven’t given up but I will say the decrease in hormones helps one care about romantic relationships a bit less and be much more level headed about these things. I’m now using what I’m learning to seek out more appropriate people for both friendships and maybe one day a core relationship. Wish this had all been around when I was much younger but happy it’s here now! I will continue to learn but this has helped me see that FA likely is my predominant attachment style and I can move forward with this knowledge. One question thought - the video made it seem like FA is the same a borderline personality disorder. Is this correct? From what I’ve read, I don’t think this is true, but if you (or someone else) sees this question would love clarification. Awesome channel!

Well this explains somethings especially the bit about learning to rely so much on ourselves. It's so bad that I get irritated when I see people who need support all the time because in my head I'm like can't you just do this thing by yourself. But ofcourse the reality of this is that we never had sage enough people around us to develop secure attachment where healthy dependence and connection were fostered. I weep for younger me. She really was let down by her environment and caregivers but I also salute her for fighting so hard to survive 😯😯

I think that the comment about lack of empathy may have been from someone dealing with a narcissist, All narcissists are avoidant but not all avoidant types are narcissists. I think there is a lot of confusion when dealing with an avoidant because of the similar traits with narcissists. The tell is the lack of empathy. If they care for no one but themselves, you have your answer.

Thank you for addressing this comment war. I noticed that in the comments under videos of other attachment theory channels: avoidant haters are prevalent. And once I has written a comment sharing my FA experience, like the video has encouraged me, and got blame in the comment. I don't hesitate to block and all, but why is that? I haven't noticed a sign 'AP only' anywhere, and not sure those people are even AP. They often share stories that look more like having a narcissist or antisocial ex, which is traumatising experience indeed.

We would much appreciate you make another video as complete as this one about the other types of attachment styles! Thanks for the insights!!!

Thank you Chris Seiter 🙏🏼 I really appreciate you and your content.

I absolutely love your channel. Keep it up!

The last 5 minutes were brilliant. The only thing I would add is the “wrong” therapist might not be really sailing you into calm waters.

I think there is some confusion about what she said regarding therapy and narcissism. She said NPD like BPD is not treated with meds but therapy, and that is true. She didn't say it is successfully treated that way very often, only that drugs are useless. A quick search indicates some Ns do benefit from therapy, though not many.

Guys! I got my FA Ex back after 3 months of no contact, stay motivated feel free to ask me about any detail, I'll try to answer you with my poor english. Don't lose hope guys

I’m anxious and I’m having a hard time coping when my avoidant guy pulls away. I try to give him the space he needs, and focus on myself and trying to become more secure…but I’m just in so much pain constantly. It’s been weeks

In my opinion I believe it has a lot to do with self awareness. Like you said a avoident needs help to be brought to calm waters. But avoidents are not very self aware and for sure not existintially aware. As you were pointing out they get help from a therapist and then go back to their life where people are constantly trying to destabalize them for control over them. In this light they are simply going with the motions and no real problem solving happens. In my opinion they mist be brought to a place of awareness before they can stop allowing others to control their reactions. It is my belief that humans will refute, avoid, or attack anything that contradicts their beliefs until they become self and existentially aware. So the overall means to the goal I believe must be changed. The issue is not everyone can be brought to self and/or existential awareness. A lot of people go insane during the proccess and others simply cannot grasp or will instinctially avoid it due to the fact they built their entire lives and all the power of control in it based off these things they believe. This in essence is possibly why therapy simply cannot help everyone. Some people just want to keep living in that fantasy world where they are the main character and others are simply incapable intelectually. It is quite the conundrum.... perhaps not everyone can be helped at the end.

I wept when I first learned my attachment style then went online to look for helpful resources. The amount of people who say we're unworthy of love or effort, doubled down on the fact that I feel unlovable because of how my past traumas have affected me. It's a cruel, sick joke that the only way for us to heal is to trust someone else to help us.

I'm a fearful 😅 I have such an isolated life😢 people who need me or are needy I feel sophicated. If I feel unwanted I get needy. It's exhausting. So I push people out. Few people can handle the roller coaster . Takes patients and Hella lot of love and acceptance of me messiness to gain my trust

it really feels like avoidants are hurting you over and over again on purpose. and its really unfair that upon breakup they feel good... while us anxious feel like we are going to die

I am FA, I read comments like avoid avoidants at all costs/…/ I think we avoid cause we fear others can hurt us so we don’t want hurt them as a result we leave. I was alarming my need before it wasn’t really met, then person just triggered my fearful side and I reacted pretty much like default- I’m out, I’m leaving… yes I do regret it. This person loves me but cannot be with me because of me acting like that. Yes I reached out for help.

I have a fearful avoidant style and my big brother has a secure attachment style. This is just another one of the many reasons that supports the notion that he is always my favorite person.

People that dislike people with avoidant traits probably don't understand themselves and aren't willing to put in the time to understand what someone is going through and why. They will forever be in and out of relationships and calling their ex's narcissists.

TRUE, if you still got the toxic parents and friends you will undo everything you learned

Thank you so much for the insight..

GREAT VIDEO chRIS this is my first time watching but what a great video to watch

It took me a while to come to the conclusion that I’m fearful avoidant. For the longest time I thought I had anxious attachment because I was preoccupied with the times I felt I’ve been abandoned by partners. I’ve always had a very hard time moving in when I was dumped. What I didn’t see what all the times I had pushed people away, because I wasn’t so upset by those situations at the time. But I almost always end up regretting when I break up with someone. Years later, I revisit exes whose hearts I’ve broken and wish I had done things differently.

Your title should say fearful avoidant, I was expecting a video on DA’s. As a FA I could have told you that we swing to our avoidant side more 😂

The first part of this video about the study results is suuuuuper interesting, but I really wish fearful avoidance had not been conflated with borderline personality disorder. While many with BPD may also have FA attachment style, they are very far from being one and the same thing. Also, the idea that BPD and FA go together actually contradicts the study results, because BPD is FAR more associated with a core fear of abandonment than anything else, making it more likely to be associated with anxious-leaning attachment styles, whereas according to this study fearful avoidance is more characterized by avoidance than anxiousness, and has far more in common with the dismissive avoidant attachment style than it has with anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Also, rising anxiety/depression/ADHD rates do not automatically indicate higher rates of fearful avoidant attachment styles. There can be many reasons why those conditions exist/develop, many of which have nothing to do with attachment style. That said, thank you for making a video about that study. As a partially healed FA myself, the way that FAs are described in that study tracks pretty seamlessly with my experience as an FA.

That’s very fascinating that the fearful attachment style went up so markedly post lockdowns. Makes a lot of sense actually.

Thank you, Chris. Thank you.

Well this was the best! Thank you.

This is Pure Gold !

after lifetime being bullyed after covid I can tell my isolation have started and I still cannot see the end of that I really became avoidant

As a former Sailor, the Caribbean Sea is quite rough ;) But I do understand what it is that you're saying. It really helped me to get better in going from FA to secure.

Thanks for taking the stand for avoidants too many subjective and overemotional judgements over them. While despite being a fearful avoidant myself, i cant deal with those avoidants where you see genetics coming in. Its easier to work on fears than on your personality or projections onto others. Such avoidants who insult, punish you by stone walling, weeks or months of ghosting while projecting others to be bad, aggressive, they should first develop self awareness. The other avoidant party, may be challenging as they swich moods often, but they dont gaslight, ghost or any other passive aggressive behaviors, such had to deal dor example in my case 35 years narcissistic abuse and was nothing self induced or genetics etc. For me its difficult to manage this polarization too. I am so dettached and overly self-reliant and like i have no needs in denial, then later when we move towards committment I suffer from limerance, constant worrying that they will leave me. When i am separated, then I'm so independent that I dont even recognize myself why i was so emotionally dependable before. I guess its a coping mechanism to try to find a balance between 2 bad ways to react and the hope you'll end up in the middle somehow😅 A relationship broke it, only one can fix it. I agree to it but you cant force love, i attract dismissive partners or immature ones, so ive been single for too long

I'm FA. My first husband was an NPD avoidant. He really broke my heart. Second husband is probably somewhere between FA and secure. We struggle but I've healed a lot with him, and therapy. I definitely still want to run sometimes when my abandonment wound gets triggered but thankfully he has never given up on me and we have become more and more stable over the years as we strive for greater self awareness. It's hard and sometimes I really don't want to look in the mirror to face some obscure wounded part that's still hiding, but it's worth it.

I agree. No one should be demonized. I don't believe there is anyone who is perfectly adjusted. We ALL need understanding and help.

As a borderline individual who spent years in therapy and is considered healed, I would agree that the relationship between the therapist and the client is very important but not necessary just because it's a secure relationship. But because you're in a better headspace to take in the information given in therapy when the waters are calm. The same information could be given from two therapists, one you have a good relationship with and one you don't. The information from the one your don't trust won't be trusted as it comes in. So, in my opinion from my experience, I'd say it's both ❤

As a person who is fearful attached...i don't appreciate the level animosity towards us.

There's a lot of push and pull with FAs, but it can actually be kind of fun once you get use to the way they operate. A woman I'm trying to date (we both take a friends-first approach so we're still navigating actual dating) has a pattern: If I'm not clingy and take a couple days to myself, she pays me way more attention and usually initiates contact. Then I'll pay more attention to her and reassure her that I'm interested so she doesn't get anxious that I'll leave, but then I stop myself there until she pays me more attention. FAs are a good type of person to date if you're busy or preoccupied. It lets you have your own life while still being committed.

I think this is just too new of a study to give up on Avoidants. I know one who is an amazing person. At first I took it personally thinking I must have done something wrong but after researching this, it is a relief to me that it was never really who I am at all. It is about awareness and education on the psychology of the developmental stages and is there anything that can be done after the damage has already been done to the child. I look forward to more studies.

Thanks for the video

Phenomenal video!

@chris, highly highly recommend advocating for more parenting programs. Nurse Family Partnership is an amazing program for first-time moms. Dad's also should have access to Dad only parenting programs. You said you wanted to be a part of the solution and this is it. Nurse Family Partnership works with moms from pregnancy until their babies Turn 2 years old. We actually talk to Mom's about attachment, brain development, etc. Knowledge is the first step in Breaking the cycle.

I’m just learning about this stuff and I am fearful avoidant unfortunately. This has helped me understand so much of my past relationships. I wish I could flip a switch and just be ok and secure. I don’t want to live like this. 😭😭😭 God help me please 🙏🏼 I don’t want to hurt and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

I've seen this too. How about we don't judge an entire group of people because of one shared aspect of their personality? Attachment doesn't account for morality, empathy, etc. and ALL insecure attachment styles have instances of lacking empathy in reacting to their triggers (and secure attachments might as well in times of trauma). Anxious reactions can lack empathy as well, I.e. repeated boundary violations. No end of the spectrum is better or worse, it's the actual behavior involved and we should all strive for balance. It's not black and white and no attachment style alone makes a person good or bad, just healthy or unhealthy.

Exactly...i m secure and always tried to give space and understand my FA partner...I m also kind of teraphist, psykolog and work with relation between people.He did nt even wanna try to figure out his issues and now finally he kontakt somebody...when i think he developed borderline ..and fight with depression and so.I dont want to spend my time anymore with him since he did nt took my advices in so many years

As an avoidant, I grew up not knowing what a single secure attachment feels like for all of my life. Every secure attachment would be soon cut off by my family. My friendships ended because either they were just not the right people and would make the wounds worse or because of my own fears and avoidant behavior. I had and still have very deep trust issues, but I hate the part of myself that avoids and detaches to cope, because it screams to me to distance myself rather than be betrayed or eventually abandoned. When people dehumanize people like me, they don’t understand that a lot of people like me have grew without that feeling of safety and being secure, either because it was just the case or because of self sabotage that is not conscious. We didn’t choose to have these sort of coping mechanisms. My needs were just never met when young or I was constantly blamed for expressing emotions and having needs. It wasn’t until recent years that I finally found secure enough friendships that stayed even when I retreated and avoided them, and that was only in my mid to late twenties that it happened. Some people haven’t found that yet, but I hope everyone can find that in their lives, So they can learn what healthy relationships are like, and can heal and learn to function normally.

This gave me hope

I didn’t want to hear this, since DA’s seem to be the most maligned attachment style, but it actually makes a lot of sense and tracks with my personal experience. Incidentally, the past few weeks/months I’ve been coming to terms with my avoidant side, and realizing just how strong it is. Now I understand the problem tho I can work on it. I’ve been avoiding my avoidance and if that doesn’t vindicate this study I don’t know what does lol

Wow. This is what I can’t afford to learn through therapy. Thank you sooooo much🙏🏾

If you are talking about covert narcassists good luck fixing them and anyone that has dealt with one then the only thing to do is get away from them and let some one else deal with them

19:00 thats easy for you to say.... where are all the secure ppl?? LOL

FA here...I have noticed that if something triggers the abandonment wound, my first unconscious response is to run away and disappear. Secondly it comes the anxious response and then again the avoidant response

Man, most of the people that demonize FA and DA's are AP. As much as they criticise others they don't see any harm they do. Obviously all the insecure attached people should work on themselves, INCLUDING APs. They only see people leaving them and being emotionless but never see how clingy and demanding they are on a daily basis. Maybe instead of criticizing others for being too self reliant just try to deal with life on your own a bit more as well? Or don't date DA and FA's, go for APs and see how wonderful it will go. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I agree with most. The only thing I think we all need to be careful with is the remove part. I believe most insecure attached people want somehow to become securely attached. How is the goal to discover, the goal is not the outcome. We are already so much in the “remove them when they are toxic” society, that we are no longer gain humanity. Ones you can fully accept (and to accept is to know your value, beautiful self and your ugly self side and say I’m human and we are all one, and all can be who we choose how we want to be) the line is with everyone who respond different from how you would respond or deals different then how you would respond or deal with it is “this way of being a human being is, is also existing”. Because ones we are subconsciously putting labels on insecurities in all forms that are red flag so run, we become inhuman beings instead of human beings.

Sounds to me like the ones demonizing avoidants are the anxious, oftentimes calling themselves secure in order to avoid genuinely looking at themselves. They despise in the avoidant that part in themselves that they deem wrong and counterintuitive to connection. Every insecure attachment style does that but unlike the avoidant who internalizes , the anxious need to externalize and vocalize their feelings so, it makes sense that they would do that.. but overall an insecure attachment style is subconscious, we can hate it all we want, blaming someone for theirs is absurd and only reflects what's hidden about ourselves imo. When we truly understand something, negativity drops. The concept just appears as it is. We feel neutral about it.

When I was in in-patient therapy, I often used the Pendulum to describe my hyper & apathetic states which led to my vagal shutdown.

Childhood trauma (small T trauma) is the culprit, lack of education on what constitutes trauma and what behaviours from caregivers result in attachment wounds could make a dramatic difference for future populations, but the realities of war, famine, accident, illness, natural disaster - these ensure that even if perfect parenting were possible across the board, trauma will always exist, which in turn has the potential to become generational small t trauma.

Every damn time I mention being afraid of being controlled, somebody tries to rip me a new one. That's happened twice just today!! (not here). I get called evil because I don't want to get swallowed up?? I am totally baffled by the open aggression. These people hate me!

I'm a recovered borderline whose healed both my borderline trauma AND my anxious attachment style. I'm a subject matter expert on both having nearly 20 years of extensive research and first hand experience, and I'm also a relationship / attachment coach myself. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not associate Borderline with fearful avoidant. These are 2 very VERY different things. Most borderlines are ANXIOUS attachments, not fearful avoidants. The Personal Development School has an amazing video titled (something like), "Borderline or Fearful Avoidant?" The core wounds and trauma responses ARE different. For anyone curious how I healed BPD... I did inner child healing. For me, it was a hypnotherapy session that gave me immediate and permanent healing. I did continue the hypnotherapy for the full 6 sessions to reinforce the healing and heal my inner child even deeper! You can find some of these guided meditations free on KZfaq with simple searches and they DO help tremendously! Obviously, 1 on 1 hypnotherapy sessions will work the fastest and deepest, but you can get 60-70% of the healing within a couple months just using KZfaq. 😉

I think I am not hating my fearful-avoidant husband for several reasons: 1. I had some of the experience like him in the childhood, so I do have empathy; 2. I also have some avoidant traits and I had even more in the past, but I learnt to be different and trust him in our relationship, do yes, I can confirm that attachment style develops and changes in the relationship; 3. We have a child now ourselves, so I know hiw hard it is ti do the right thing as a parent. Also my in-laws are extremely toxic people, and my husband the only child,so I do know as a fact, that his behaviour is the only way of communication that helped him to survive.

So where do we find these secure people? I don't think I have any in my life

I spent thousands of hours reseaching, trying to understand my Fearful Avoidant partner (who also suffers from BPD / Vulnerable Narcissism traits). I will agree that villainising those with Avoidant tendencies does not help (even if the information and criticisms presented are all factually true). Being understanding and compassionate towards Avoidants is EXTREMELY difficult though when one has been hurt by those Avoidant behaviors, so this is a challenging ask.

FA here.... if i am leaning ferful or avoidant depends on the partner i am with. With a partner who is avoidant i become mainly fearful and then doing the dance of appoach- avoidant., with an anxious or clingy partner, i become more avoidant and probably leave the realtionship ( without coming back). So, as for everyone attachment style is fluid and relational, i think the FA is most affected by this.

im a secure attachment person most of the time. if you are a secure Perosn with standards , self love and with limits clear . you can try to be with them fro a period of time but because they are so unorganized with their pull and push dynamic you end up leaving , this is why they end up with insecure attachment people , because they are the ones who dont identify how dangerous its for their mental health taking those risks

I was tip-toeing being between FA and a dismissive avoidant with anxious traits. Well turns it was Fearful avoidance all along. On the note on empathy I feel it is part of a) not receiving empathy from caregivers consistently and b) showing empathy requires both parties to be vulnerable. It is hard to show empathy consistently when you haven't received it on a constant or reliable basis which in turn makes us cold since we learned to cope and blame/shame ourselves. At the same time we want to receive empathy and give it because it enhances the connection to others BUT then it either gets too scary (vulnerability wound) or we don't receive what we wanted (empathy or connection). These then negatively reinforce empathy. If you have an FA in your life and you are wondering if you want to keep them, my tip is that are they self aware of their pendulums and can they vocalize their needs. After that we need time and safety. If we go avoidant, just go with your normal lives and just check-in on us. Do not go over the mountains when we are avoidant. Make us see that you don't abandon us without making a big number of it. Same with anxious side. When we go anxious, give us reassurance or some reassurance, some grounding that we need and continue. I do think that you should not be the one fixing FA but it should be the FA themselves. You can only help. Also for the love of god, when we are vulnerable do not make fun of us or try to pry too much. And when we ask for help, please give the help we want or outright say that you can't give us that help. Saying that you will help us but then fading or giving us the "wrong" help is at least a part of the reason I turned out FA and it feeds avoidance. It's always better to be honest than say yes and not deliver.