I love those dreams where everything is just right! I share that too, dreaming as a man, and writing, that is a really good one. I did a lot of drawing too when I was younger mostly, I drew so many big muscled bearded fellas. Nothing but beards and muscles, it's funny now a days, having such a hard time growing a beard. My life long dream has become a tiny goatee! Oh well!

Yes. That was me also for many years. I hope you are finding peace and solace. I can see you in that place.

Brie Browne Thank you for the hearts and colors! I am so happy for you Brie! Stay in touch!

Indeed. I don't have that same need to escape and get away from people as I did PRE-T, that was always overwhelming. Now I just enjoy the solitude for what it is, and out here in my current situation I do feel a little isolated sometimes.

skateonsnow21 I wish we could train together!

Music! That is a good place! A healing place! I love that one. Yeah, sometimes just lost in the music you are so present it is wonderful. Being in an audience sharing the beat and melody... yeah, that is a good place to feel alive. Good take on the question. I hope the self acceptance happens with time. Believe me, it's a nice feeling too!

I don't know if a little chin fuzz counts as a beard, but it is nice!

This is a plan that could serve you well. It's amazing to be in a state so diverse, depending on where you land you can experience that sense of anonymity which comes with a feeling of tolerance and safety. It's nice to start over sometimes, that's for sure! Good luck and thank you for weighing in on this one.

This is wonderful, someone once described it as: We are all made of the same ingredients-- the muscles, heart, skin, sinew, blood... yes. Connecting to the moving parts, and the health, it's important to just remember the human aspects of life. Also you bring up friends and the youtube community, I'm surprised not more people have mentioned it in comments! Thank you so much for sharing your park run here in response. I am thankful for your thoughts!

Being yourself around children!!!! That is a great one Kate!!! They are so much more willing to explore, accept and just be. I love this image and I am fascinated with your identity, would you describe it as fluid? It would be funny if I went to one of your students and was like, "Could you describe your teachers identity?" Ha, the answer probably wouldn't have much to do with gender at all. In any case, I miss you too, and let's be in touch!

Very good contrast! I remember being thankful that at the time of name change I was in a city too, and the anonymity was really nice. Where I live now the people at the post office make small talk about the things that came in the mail for me... YIKES! I would never want to transition in a place like this. So I wonder how it must feel being trans growing up in a small town. It seems like you would always be planning to leave so you could do your thing.

That's a lonely place. I've been there before. When you sleep away the time it is a form of running away when you can't run, it can be an attempt to fast forward time. It sort of works, but you end up returning to the bed that you were hiding in having to put on the mask and return to the world that can't see you yet. I think a room with a closed door is the safe place for many people who can't share what's happening inside them. It feels lonely, but with others are doing it too, across the country and the world-- it's almost like people are doing it together without knowing... hang in there buddy.

This is an awesome answer as I imagine each place in my mind!!! Thank you for sharing so many good ones. Places I wouldn't have thought of if not for you comment! THANK YOU!!!

Thank you!!! I am so glad to read what you have to add to the conversation. This is what I love about this topic-- and vlogging in general, there are so many experiences and stories to share. I really appreciate what you have to say here-- and that is an important point, some small communities can be the kind that are dedicated to staying open minded... Also I love the space that can be created through writing, I relate to that one for sure!

I would look GREAT in a beard. I have tried, right now my attempt at no shave November would get me fired! I have one of those scraggly beards that people don't enjoy looking at... but one day it will be thick!!!

can't wait to see it when you grow it:)

Where do you go to most be yourself?

That's a good one, you should write a poem about that, going into your mind and then seeping out. That's cool too, that you have that memory of coming out around some plants outside. Some people believe that plants have spirits and energy, maybe they were encouraging you!

It can be an up hill battle getting people to understand, or even just listen, but because you know what you are talking about, and you know who you are, the fact is that with time family has to accept what you are saying. Truth doesn't just go away. I am glad you end your comment with "for now." I am curious what you plan to do, where you plan to go to be yourself. Your thoughts?

Ah yes, the little book nook, I'm right there with you!

I was really hoping for discussion on this one, so this is great, but people have really been focusing on examples I've used it seems like. My examples were of me recalling a moment that led to a reflection on why I am where I am and how it feels. But what I'm getting at is not: what are you city or country? How do you connect to yourself, is it virtual, is it physical? Is it cultural or community driven? People are giving a variety of interesting answers I didn't consider like: when I listen to music. Heck yes!!! There is a huge diversity of answers and interpretation to the question as well, and this variance based on what part of the process you are in. For example some people can only be themselves alone in their room-- you could do that in the country or the city or in a space station... This isn't a necessarily a physical answer. I was also hoping for an international response about how people in religious countries or communities connect to their identity-- where do you go? What space? What person? What outlet? How long, I wonder, can each outlet fit? It's like as we discover ourselves we grow into these larger exoskeletons-- ok, that image and amplify was making sense to me but I'll hold there... Based on your answer, I see my video fell short of asking the real question I was going for. It was an meeting up with an old friend that made me have this conceptual thought & I was trying to contrast that what my friend had found worked for him, but he had trouble finding it in some of the rural areas he's worked. But the same oppressive culture can exists in any urban area, just as small artsy mountain towns could be totally queer friendly-- I was thinking about culture more than actual population size... And was endlessly fascinated as well as embarassed of my attraction to blending in with what is an oppressive culture, fascinated because maybe before I couldn't & now I can... And then I was like: I know there are some Muslim trans folk, for example, who would love to embrace their traditions, who may relate to the conservative doctrines, yet are stuck in their role-- so what do you do? And if you fell into the queer end of the spectrum in such a culture-- where is the light at the end of that tunnel? Where do you possibly go? See how exciting and rich this topic is? My examples fall short of anything but... I'm just a small bean -- weirded out about who I am, why & how

ClosetTransgender ah gotcha. yeah it makes more sense now. I'll be reading through the answers as well, and hopefully you get a great diversity of responses.

Thanks-- I was so excited to answer your comment I've been using my phone & I know that some of my words & thoughts got altered to sound funny-- but anyway-- thanks for understanding, I also hope for more feedback & thoughts on this one... Maybe I'll ave to rephrase or try again though...

ClosetTransgender I've been thinking more about it. And this is my own answer to that. I've realized over the years that I can't go to any one place to find myself- neither physical, virtual, etc. Rather I have to connect with different parts of myself in different places and in different ways. I think that this might apply to people who might be into religion or conservative values yet have this 'opposing' queerness or transness. I can't relate to that dichotomy, but I do have another huge one in my life- being a young parent and always having these opposing parts of myself to nurture. There has been my younger self which has never completely fit in with people my age because I became a parent at 19, and then there is the more mature parental side of myself that never completely fit in with other parents because I'm young. This has a lot of parallels to those situations I feel. I used to believe I had to pick a side and sacrifice parts of myself, otherwise I'd never fit in anywhere. Now I realize that people are complex and that we don't need to 'fit in', we just need to feel we belong. And I belong in several different spaces in different ways. Different parts of me get seen and not seen, nurtured or neglected, and its all sort of a balancing act.

alexhaney100 What a great thought to share! YES!!!!! See, the topic itself is pretty philosophical I think... I mean, it caused me this huge reflection on my own patterns and which aspects come out where... but we do have so many sides, and I am glad you brought it beyond trans... As human we deal with all these self inflicted and society inflicted standards, it's a balancing act, where sometimes the ultimate is not just to completely free yourself, sometimes it's just nice to blend... but it comes down to a process I think, of discovering new parts of your identity and integrating them in, self-examination and self acceptance... Great comments Alex, I like this exchange very much.