They're very good at making themselves look good in front of other people while treating you badly.

A narcissist uses your empathy as a weapon against you and to control you.

In the beginning - It's like finding the most sincere kindest person in the whole wide world. They are nice and gentle. They are affectionate. They will cuddle you and hold you. A couple months in you will notice that they seem to lack in the intimacy department but you will dismiss that to shyness. They will mimic/mirror your style of communication & you the entire time (which goes unnoticed until they become distant with you & use new words). I learned that If you express intimate emotions they will say “I feel the same way for you too or I would do the same thing for you or I love you just as much or I'm glad to hear that.” Which feels insincere and robotic. However you might dismiss that to shyness or inexperience expressing feelings (even tho they could be gorgeous & clearly experienced with women). They will never voluntarily just express their love for you in their own words and say how much they love or miss you. Very rarely will you get an “I miss you" or ” love you" for no reason at all. You will wonder why? Like do they have any feelings? So, you find yourself working harder to make them feel more safe & more loved in hope's that they provide that love back to you. It's easy to dismiss them withholding as a lack of trust or insecurity because they seem so nice. You will look for logic in behaviors and with Coverts there is never any logic which will lead your further down a rabbit hole creating confusion. In time you will start to doubt your own perception of what you see and lack the clarity to see the abuse. You will have more anxiety, lack inner peace & feel tired. Your physical appearance might change where you either gain or lose weight. You struggle to keep yourself at peace. Its exhausting. By now, you have became an expert at everything they like. You take on all the chores and make their life as easy as possible. You feel isolated too b/c they kept you “away". You feel so confused b/c you worked so hard to break down their walls in hopes of a more consistent close bond with them. One day they seem really into you and the next they withhold affection. It's hard trying to figure out what is wrong. The more you vocalize your feelings the more they encourage you with their words that everything is ok. You certainly don't feel “ok" but you make peace with it the best you can and start “withholding” your feelings too b/c they have made you feel like your “too" sensitive and it's too much! Most of the time it will feel like they are present in the flesh but nothing else is going on inside them. Even after all this time you've been together you still feel like you don't really know them. If you happened to gain the courage at a later time to ask more questions as to why things still feel off they will say your being insecure & that they aren't cheating and make you feel like you have issues. If you cry they will watch tv, stare at their phone or even continue to eat dinner. They won't ever give you all their undivided attention & acknowledge your pain. Which makes you more confused bc their actions doesn't match their words. They won't look at you while you cry, they seem like it causes them shame to see you cry. At times you might feel like your having to teach them about feelings as if they were a child. You will wonder why their emotional intelligence seems very immature/off. Everything they have is something you also don't have access too. Their family, phone, friends, bank accounts, pay stubs, credit card statements, and etc. You will start off feeling like they are very private or insecure & years in it now feels like they are super secretive b/c it makes no sense for them to still be so private. They promise things that they don't see through or conveniently feel bad or forget everything that is important to you. They will isolate you and hide their relationship with you. When you express that something about what they are doing isn't right then they act like they lack understanding and that they do nothing to hurt you. You will always be explaining everything and wondering why they just don't get it! They will even use apologies as a form of manipulation. (lack of empathy and no change to their behavior). You will always feel like you need to phone a friend to ask if your situation is normal because this person will give you $200 to pamper yourself but won't invite you to Christmas dinners or let you have access to their phone. They will leave/abandon/ghost you to say they are sleeping at a relative's house then on their way home they will offer to bring you breakfast or something from the store. Even their giving is a form of manipulation. They want to distract you with gifts to keep you off balanced from the emotional abuse they are putting you through. When you ask them why they didn't come home they will say they felt like you didn't want them around or etc. You will spend the entire relationship wondering how someone who seems like such a nice person can be so emotionally cold. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyclubllc@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..

There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........

My sister is a covert. If you really listen to a covert while they're telling a story, you'll see that in the story they are the heroes and the victim. Its crazy!

These are the worst, they are more devastating because they seem like a good person and gain your trust then tend to backstab you when you least expect it. Especially in the workplace.

In my experience. They know what they're doing I can see it in them, they know exactly what they're doing, it's their entitlement.

Hypocrisy is what defines them!

I like to describe the conflict as a crazy making merry go round. If you start feeling confused and discussions turn into arguments that just go in circles and you feel you’re not being heard and this becomes the pattern, you are quite possibly dealing with a fragile covert narcissist. If it doesn’t feel normal, then it’s not.

I was in a relationship with covert narcissist. I ended up being controlled. Nothing was never enough. I once was left to sleep on the floor when I was at my lowest point. In the end I had to somehow beg to be ‘loved’. It took me years to finally let it go. The feeling of loss somehow lingers on. These people.. they put you down and take everything they can get. Avoid at any cost. If you start to feel the signs just go.

When in a relationship with a narcissist; your problems will never be as bad as theirs so they will NEVER be there for you You will NEVER be good enough for them! It doesnt matter what you do? They will make sure to find a reason why you didnt make them happy! If you are sensitive? It will take a VERY long time for you to heal! As soon as you know they are a narcissist? RUN RUN RUN FAST!!

My ex was a covert and he said everyone in his life needed to be trained, so they would do things properly. He was highly vindictive and said he would wait years to get revenge on someone who hurt him. He was also proud of the fact that he had no empathy. When I first met him, the first few months, I would never have believed he was a narcissist at all, he was so charming and a lot of fun. They are so clever at acting at being nice.

All of this overwhelming!! I really just wanna be single forever!!!!

I never realized my mother was a covert narcissist until I went to counseling. She did some terrible, terrible things to us and never took responsibility. Narcissist mother, alcoholic father...how did I make it this far?

I would say the first sign will come from your own gut feeling which will send signal to your body telling you that this person doesn't make you feel comfortable being around him/her. The fact that you are already asking this question should alert you to be careful. Something will feel off and you won't know what it is exactly. Covert narcissists can act very charming in the beginning but there will be often also present underlying sense of superiority about them. That sense is actually deriving from them feeling insecure about themselves, so they tend to quietly degrade others in order to feel better about themselves. On the other hand if covert narcissist feels that you are above his league, he will act like your servant, trying to please you - almost annoying in a way. But make no mistake. If you decide to stay in a relationship with him, he will downgrade you and abuse you like all the others. Because in his mind, if you love him, he thinks you are unworthy of him. Covert narcissists hate themselves so if someone loves them, than they think this person is worth less than them and that they can do better. Other sign to look for is any kind of judgment towards others. If he criticises other frequently, he will more likely criticise you as well once he gets more comfortable around you. Pay attention to how he treats people that are dependent on him as well. Narcissists hate those especially if they can't get anything of of that for themselves. Moreover, Cheating in marriages is not restricted to only men. Women cheat as much as men do. If you're suspecting your husband of infidelity, you'll have to keep an eye on him without his knowledge. One of the best ways to know if your spouse cheats on social platforms is by paying close attention to how your spouse behaves while online. The signs are pretty the same. Is your spouse more time on the app without explanation and gets unnecessarily defensive when you ask about it? If your spouse behavior has changed lately, and continues to spend more time on social apps, it's time for you to take action, with the help of a private investigator (suggested; METASPYHUB@GMAIL. COM , you can find out what is taking all their time on social apps, who they are talking to and other things happening,,

Im a covert narcissist, it isn't on Purpose i act this way. I am aware but i catch it late. The lies, my life to other people is not what it really is. My whole life is a lie. Boredom is expensive. I buy so many different things and never follow through, today i want to learn ukulele, tomorrow lets buy a drone, ect ect. Nothing is my fault, i know it is, but back to lies we go. For an example, i crashed my truck while intoxicated. I called 911 and blamed it on a hit and run after i moved the vehicle. Emotions are wierd. I rarely cry but am always in thought over spilled milk, i get angry over little things because work is hard today, or things keep falling off the table, anything that is inconvenient to me makes me rage out...customer service don't stand a chance. As far as being nice, I'll do things for anyone, im bored and just do it because you asked. Later down the road I'll be expecting special treatment because i did something for you. If i fix your car, run errands for you ect, and you go and invite someone who did nothing for you to a party or something imma get jealous because it wasn't me. This is just snippets of last month for me. We are wreckless, bored, dishonest, and self centered. Some of us know and try to fix it, some of us know and make no effort. There are people who have no idea and just live this way and wonder why the world is out to get them.

I have many of these traits🤦🏾‍♀️, but I see it and realized its based on childhood trauma. I'm here because I want to change.

A lot of extremely “narcissistic” individuals are able to maintain jobs. Look at politicians , celebrities, your undeserving manager.... the list goes on and on..........

My mouth dropped to the floor hearing you describe this form or narcissism... perhaps it’s really time for me to reconsider my current relationship.

I've suspected for a long time my wife was possibly a covert narcissist and your videos have more or less confirmed my belief. There have been a multitude of things done over the years, but just days after my dad passed away and knowing I was deeply hurting, she actually said to me "dwelling on his death isn't going to bring him back, just get over it". Followed closely by "you knew this day was coming so him passing shouldn't have been a surprise". Deeply insensitive and a total lack of caring about my feelings were the beginning of the end. I knew at that moment I was dealing with a whole new level of monster.

Beware the covert narcissist. If they think you are going to leave them, your life may be on the line. Her subtle questions about insurance and a smirk when I expressed concern for my health later, were actually warning signs. Two days in the hospital saved my life. Never disregard your gut feeling, run.

3 hours of being in the firing line with a Narcissist requires 3 weeks to be far from them. This simple formula has kept me sane.

Listen, falling for a covert narcissist is easy. I'm a mental health therapist and yes I fell for one. The day I realized what he was, was the same day my son was conceived. I broke up with him soon after and then a week after the breakup I missed my period and eventually learned I was pregnant. Covert narcissists are charismatic and gentle at first, but you soon learn they are ill people. They are frustrated with everything, blame you and guilt trip you for everything, try to diagnose you with a mental disorder to make themselves look like victims, lie, demean you, will steal your self esteem if you are weak and unaware of their games, manipulate, lack empathy in the most demonic way, use their own children for their benefit and traumatize them beyond no return, I can go on and on. Moral of the story is get out if you find yourself in that relationship. My son's father is not allowed in his life because I know what he is and the chances of him taking care of his child without a legal obligation is slim to none. I still can't believe I miss the signs in the beginning but I got out rather quickly. Think with your mind and not your sexual organs or you may find yourself with one of these demons.

8:00 this is so true. I have a friend since childhood that it took me a long time to see their narcissism. I told him one day that my pregnant wife had just been pulled over by our dog, that was chasing a squirrel, and landed on her belly. I was blown away at not only his lack of concern, but his struggle to not smile. He didn't have anything worse to compare that incident to. So he really struggled to find the right fake emotion to respond with. It was that moment that I realized he wasn't who I thought he was. Since that veil was lifted he screams narcissist in everything he does, and I've leaned to avoid him as much as possible. PS my wife and baby are fine thankfully

2:21 "Poor Me" attitude.

Two problems with this analysis: I have known two extreme covert narcissists who both held down very good jobs for their careers. One bounced from hobby to hobby though. I also know two people who have suffered abuse at the hands of extreme narcissists who are struggling to find steady work because of all the criticism and stress put upon them by these people. Also, I find it hard to believe that they don’t know they are hurting others when they often take steps to hide it. Sometimes they manipulate, sometimes they character assassinate, sometimes they have selective memories, but I don’t believe they are unaware of the damage they are causing others.

So basically: how do you spot a narcissist of either type? When everything ends up being about them, one way or another.

Spot on! My sister is the victim in every story. Zero self responsibility.

I’m definitely or was a covert narcissist. It was pure misery for me in my twenties. Thank god I realized how much I lacked self awareness and this helped me a lot and I was able to stop some of the traits. I also notice my closest friends over the years were covert and overt narcissist. This is why when I dated the overt narcissist he couldn’t wreck complete havoc on my life like he did others because I could see thru him and understood it to a degree.

Anti social, lack of self awareness, lack of taking responsibility for anything, lack boundaries, liars and hypocrites.

Well...I have been living with a Covert Narcissist for 32 years; must include the following: 1. Profound fear of abandonment 2. Astute in the art of “word salad” style of commniction 3. Experts in the art of the smear campaign 4. Abusive user of the “silent treatment 5. Ultimate “master” gas lighter 6. Lack any ability of true empathy 7. No true ability to “self reflect” on his or her behavior; especially when wrong/bad. 8. Ultimate opportunist 9. Great at triangulation 10. Extremely Deceptive Manipulators (I have seen over 30 counselors, psychiatrist and psychologist; 95% are not skilled or experienced to recognize a “Covert Narcissist” in any way. I ended up being traumatized by each, because none could recognize this type of person with this disorder. Book knowledge and the DSM does not vet out this disorder properly at all. Also, there is no true means to treat such a person from what I can tell. Narcissist do not practice the art of self-reflection at all to where they recognize their mental illness. The medical practitioners need to take this disorder more seriously and start listening the victims who have to deal with this kind of emotional vampire. They are very dangerous. (Consider these truisms about narcissist: psychcentral.com/blog/7-things-youll-never-see-a-narcissist-do/)

It's virtually impossible to get a narcissist to get treatment for their own problems. Like you said it's everyone else that's the problem not them.

Just found out I have 56% covert narcissistic traits. I wasn't always this way. That's the reason I even took a test, cause I wasn't always like this. My mom is an overt narcissist and her behaviors used to hurt my feelings as a child. I was a pretty sensitive and stubborn child which made it suitable for my covert narcissism to develop. But I was emotionally intelligent and very empathetic. My mom was never subtle about her criticisms of me and the rest of the fam. Not even a minute would go by where she wouldn't criticize you of this or that. This made me really sensitive to criticism and my life still revolves around making her proud. This led to obsessive compulsive behaviors to deal with all the anxiety. Even sexual ones like masturbation from an early age. It messed me up pretty badly. Like I'd feel dirty all the time and would isolate and cry myself to sleep at nights. Then she started working the night shift and my dad worked the day shift and would come home late after she had left for work. This gave me even more time to self-destruct and damage my psyche. I don't even know how I'm still alive. I've always fantasized about suicide but never really hurt myself physically, Glory be to God! When I noticed I was acting this way because of a string of reasons mainly my mom, I began acting oppositely to how she does. In my own way, I was rebelling against her dictatorial rule and I was showing her I won't be a terrible human like her. She tells EVERYBODY about her problems so I always make sure to refrain from sharing mu problems to anyone She's outgoing so I became extremely introverted( I am a natural introvert but I became more so) She's always sharp about how she looks so I became careless in my style and appearance She likes to control people's every moves so I don't even inquire what people wanna do She invades people's privacies so I am always cautious about not bothering people She is religious so I ran away from religion until I couldn't bear the burden of my life without God( He saved me more than once) There's a lot I could say. My mom hates it when people praise my looks. She views it as a threat. Her beauty is like her super power in her eyes. When she gets compliments she wants to make sure you do so by depriving another person of that compliment so she could be unique. She likes to show off my academic achievements and she made sure to insert some snide to degrade the other person's kid. This made me hate my academic achievements in general. So covert narcissism was my safe haven. It's how I coped. How I survived. I found solace in introspection and self-pity. I hated it when people pity me but I basked in it when I felt it from within. I don't know if there's other psychological disorders that coincide with my behaviors. I just know I'm effed up and I'm gonna spend my life trying to overcome those flaws with God's help and help those around me up and never down. I have hope because even though the years have worn out my optimism and the empathy of the little girl I was, I still love people( I sometimes hate em ngl), I still have deep empathy for those hurting, I still give compliments to people because I genuinely want them to feel good and the biggest light I see in this situation is that I'm mostly VERY happy for people who made it and are physically beautiful. For those who wanna get better from the bottom their hearts, we'll get there! That's the beauty of being humans. We were made in the image and the LIKENESS of God. This messed up world tainted us but if you scrape enough you'll finally reach who you truly are. You're much more than your narcissism.

Hard to identify is an understatement. I went to over 3 dozen or more therapist and counselors, not one identified my ex-wife’s Covert Narcissism at all. I found myself thrown under the freight train every time I went into therapy and counseling after I got frustrated with her behavior. Amazing the kind of front they can put up to ensure people like me appear like the abuser.

It’s been three months since leaving my covert ex, he had a new girlfriend immediately after and we dated for 4 years. It was a devil like no other. I still have panic attacks when I wake up but I learn to just breath and remember he can’t sabotage or hurt me anymore.

Are covert narcissists always frustrated with themselves, unhappy, isolated/distant and very critical of themselves/others?

I dated a guy that was always suffering with life. Always complaining even if the issue was easily repairable. He would change his mind 100000 times about what he liked or wanted to do and never committed to anything or explores anything and whenever things were challenging he would just put the blame on others and how he was the one suffering. Always bored and suffering with life. Conversations revolved around him, if I was the one going through something he would make it about him. And if he acted wrong it would be my fault because I was the one who did X or Y. And even when he started the conversation with I am sorry, the conversation would shift to but you did this and you are not good enough, you don't give me what I need, you don't let me this or that. And he would shift around people, be more kind and start telling how beautiful and wonderful I was. And embody certain ideas around people that defend those. And he would have crisis every 2 days, either about himself and his whole existence and value, either about the relationship and how it was not good enough or how he was suffering or how it was my fault because I was giving him the necessary. Then he would storm off, be aggressive, and comeback either love bombing me or giving me the silent treatment. Always implying that I had to change things around my aspect or personality in order to be more desirable or beautiful or better. And he would shame contínuosly, be hella jealous, and throw tantrums whenever I wanted to do smtg without them or live my own life. Totally isolated me from my friends and family and the whole year I dated him the relationship was all around him, his needs, his wants, his pain, his crisis. He left me in an hospital, I was sick and in pain, because he had other things to do and he was suffering too. And always tried to manipulate me into being whatever he wanted me to me and make me feel crazy cause he would just deny my reality and I was so confused I didn't even know what was really happening afterall. And I was always sick. Don't do it, you can't change them. Don't ignore the red flags. Don't think they will be better for you. And the small acts off love do not erase the rest. 1 small act of kindness doesn't compensate all the suffering you go through.

My mother is covert. I went no contact. It was very stressful living with her for a lot of reasons. One of them was we would move around a lot, no explanation as to why. I barely remember my childhood not from physical abuse or anything but because we moved and i changed schools so much. The boredom thing you talk about strikes me because it makes sense. It was extreme for us. Wed go to a place that she liked, for a long time, like it was traditional to go there often, and then suddenly we didnt have the cabin anymore, or suddenly we weren't going to the pond anymore or suddenly we had a new cool place to go like an expensive campsite or something. Usually there was an explanation but when we stopped going to the pond there wasn't really an explanation. I think she was just bored easily. Im certain she was behind a lot of things that suddenly stopped happening because it happened so often.

The damage being involved with a narcissist and loving one does cannot be overestimated. And because it's sly and escalates slowly over time, you put up with it. It wasn't until I finally stopped talking to my ex narcissist that I felt the pain a couple of months later. I was numb to it before that.

You underestimate them a great deal. There are higher functioning covert's and overt's, they hold down jobs, and in fact can obtain high positions, many seek positions of power and control, such as in politics, law enforcement, and medical. They can also maintain semi long term relationships. But if one aspect of their life is stably, such as work, the other, such as home, will be complete ciaos. The family is conditioned to keep the family secrets.....at least for awhile.

Wow. The "I suffer more" thing. Yes. A couple of months ago I had a cycling accident. My jaw was quite swollen and I was bleeding all over. Fortunately x rays were negative and all I needed was a couple of stitches. Within 2 minutes of discussing with my narcissist partner, she started to talk of an accident she had several years before, how hers was worse, she bled more, "why did they not give her x rays?", she's lucky she didn't end up with a concussion, and within 10 minutes I was being accused of calling an ambulance and going to emerg as an attention-seeking device. She ended up angry at me because I "dared" to have an accident and it triggered a rather long fit of narcissistic rage that lasted several days.

It's interesting to explore the line between being "normal" and narcissist though. Some identifiers in the video could be true to almost anyone, at least on a thought level

I love your videos, they are really really informative and well explained. I do want to say, having dated a Covert Narc (Likely communal), I was blind-sided because he didn’t do any of the suffering / complaints / hurt stuff. He was the quiet helpful uber-liberal hero on the surface. He was a successful Dr of Internal Medicine. But as soon as you saw his friendship, family and romantic relationship patterns...it was very evident. He made up his own rules. He was whomever his audience wanted him to be. He was very egodystonic. He would have the weird slips of the mask, where you’d see the rage under the surface if anyone was more than him in any way.

This was awesome as it showed how all narcissist including covert act in certain situations. I really don’t want my baby momma to be an evil covert narcissist and so I’ve made 100000 excuses for her behavior over the years. She is so well liked and loved by everyone on the periphery and so I sometimes think I may be wrong. Then I hear her autobiography in this post . It’s sucks

As a covert narcisist, i wanna say thank you for the content on this issue!

I don’t agree with some points in this video. I’ve met narcs who never complain, on the contrary they try to keep this facade that shows that they are perfect in every way. Some of them even see complaining as weakness and they make it clear that they disrespect people who are weaker than (what they look) they are.

I like you - and the flowers

4 years in therapy-no personality disorder. Just seasonal depression and Complex PTSD- married (17 years) to someone with narcissistic traits (per therapist) and yet here I am again-wondering is it me? I’d love a series on how to work on self loathing. I have it. I see it. I can’t really fight it. The core really is I’m less than, I’ll never be enough. I do all this calmly and quietly. I live life outside my home -literally, trying to blend in and be invisible. In relationships...I have no needs and make no waves. I’m tired.

Talk about covert? I just had no idea what was happening inside. To get my needs met, this is what was happening? Wow. What an eye opener. 😔

I live with one of these. It took me a while to figure it out and now I feel more in power. She'd ask how am I just to "beat me" with how much worse she is, we can never have a healthy discussion unless you agree with her point of you, if you don't, she'll cry untill you do. You CAN'T ever point out her mistakes. She never takes responsibility for her decisions. If something goes bad she'll blame anything and everybody. You cannot decide for yourself, she's older and she knows everything better. She's never down to the point. She always beat around the bushes. There's just so much to it but I don't have time to write it all down.

This is definitely my dad...He've "suffered" so much in his life, not to minimize that in any way, but he tells those stories over and over again. He came out with "inventions", but people stole ideas from him, he would "build a house" but mom gets in the way, he was always smarter beyond his years... Also when he calls I learned not to talk but only listen, because it might take hours for him to tell his story. Definitely a lot of this information hits home. He was never physically abusive at least to my mom. We did get beating with the belt when we were kids but other than that it's emotional abuse mostly. Fear and guilt based. Is it typical for these people to spy on others?

My mom took control of situations by creating some long, odd leap into suffering victimhood. My grandfather was a psychiatrist and he couldn't stop the disorder, but I learned he and my father shielded me from her issues. After they died I became aware of what I called her "constant created crisis maintenance." Then I saw your video. Bombshell, but a lifesaver. I approached the subject her in a non-judgemental way, and she acted senile... I gave her a non-judgmental out, and she put on her act to avoid it. Then came my punishment: Every time I left her alone she broke something, hurt herself... Fifty years old and I learned my mom had maintained a lie to her son, who had never questioned her. Now I need therapy. Any slight control mechanism play someone tries on me sends me into a rage.

Describes a former friend of mine to a T!! Total victim, all about him, passive aggressive, wanted to see others fail, and had a MAJOR facade when it came to business...acted like a big business man but was barely making ends meet, only cared about how he appeared. Was also a loner, and had falling outs with so many he did business with. I came to the conclusion he was a CN when he stopped talking to me after he held up a project for 3 months and wouldn’t respond to my emails. Soooo passive aggressive.

Yes. My mother is like this. She was diagnosed with something recently. She told me quite some time ago the doctor told her to be cautious. So that this situation don't get worse. Well, she didn't listen to him and the situation did get worse. She ran around telling others that her doctor didn't tell her what he needed to tell her and it is his fault that she is going through what she is going through. She ended up asking someone to do something for her that I was going to do. And EVERY chance she gets she talks about her and her situation. She try to act like a know it all and is selfish, rude, obnoxious, and ALWAYS condemning others. She wear a mask in public and act like she is sweet as pie.

When we met, I thought my husband was the sweetest most gentle person, caring, thoughtful and loving. Now that I’ve realized the kind of person that he is, I know that what he did to me was what they call “love-bombing”. I’m still trying to cope with this realization and it makes me feel as if I’m entering a new world. Learning more about NPD, keeps giving me flashbacks of many different scenes from the past and even the most recent ones: all those times when he was making excuses for his violent behavior, comparing himself to me constantly, putting me down, making me cry on Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and most recently this month on my birthday, the blaming and shaming, the insincere apologies, public humiliation, abusive behavior, manipulation….I feel dazed and I don’t know what to do.

You really talk about everything I’m experiencing.. and you put it out there in a way which was easy to understand. Thank you

You know he’s a narc when after you break up him no contact, he goes stir crazy, acts so regretful. Goes from saying “I’m sorry for hurting you and for everything I’ve done” to saying “please talk to me. Why aren’t you talking to me to fix this. I don’t understand why you don’t wanna talk to me”. That is alone is sadly terrifying to me. He wonders why I can never trust him again. He did so many shady hurtful things behind my back and in my face, basically lived a double life and he wonders why I’m not talking to him and why I’m scared of him.

I’m willing to accept I have a lot of these traits and I want to get better . Getting back into therapy next week . I want to change and be a better person

Nailed it! Hi from Australia from a fellow Psychologist.

You explain covert narcissism better than anyone I have found and in 1/2 the time. So thank you.

My ex-husband was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. In couples therapy, after he told the psychologist he needed to fix me, the psychologist asked him if there was anything he liked about his wife,. My ex’s response was, “I like that she absorbs my anger.”

Hi Daniel, I just found your channel and really enjoyed the video. You seem to have so much insight regarding narcissism/npd. I've just come out of a period of over a decade of a really intentional and concerted effort-- or campaign really, by a family member, to destroy my life -- reputation, finances, relationships, everything really. It was mainly over what the narcissist perceived as an injury by me. I had confronted the individual about his history of being abusive towards the closest members of his family -- his wife and children - and it included physical -- and sexual abuse as well as psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse. It was something I'd stuffed inside for many years and I just wanted some acknowledgement and maybe even an apology possibly. I needed that for myself , for my own peace of mind and that's why I was doing it. It was certainly not about him or an attack on him. But he perceived it as an attack. When he continued to lie and deny everything, I decided my only option was to go no contact. That was when he began to wage an all out war that resulted in a tremendous amount of damage as I mentioned above. Anyone reading my comment, if you are dealing with someone with severe covert npd, please proceed with caution if you ever are tempted to confront a narcissist about their bad behavior and please be extremely careful if you decide to go no contact. And of course, I'm speaking out of my own experiences and people can be different -- but if other narcissists are anything like the covert malignant narc in my life, I wouldn't ever be concerned with one upmanship or revenge when it comes to a narc in your life. I've learned that a person that is high on the narc scale can be almost inhuman in their attacks on you and any confrontation with them could turn very bad very quickly. From what I've seen the narcissist makes everything about him or her. They can't see you are doing something for yourself or your peace of mind. It,s all about them and what you do is about them, whether they see it as praise and adulation or injury and attack. I hope I'm making some sense. I'm just learning and trying to understand more and don't have all the vocabulary and other knowledge I'm hoping to acquire. Anyway, good luck and blessings to all. Thx again Daniel. You were absolutely spot on here.

Covered a wide scope of very helpful examples. Needing to be constantly entertained for me is inverted into needing to be constantly entertaining.

Best video on covert narcissism so far. Short and sweet. I got all the answers I was looking for. Thank you a lot, Dr. 🙏🏼

:) i love how compassionate this explanations feel. I wanted to say thank you to dr. Fox, I'm trying to graduate in Psychology, my last exam is something that in English may sound like "Neuro-Psychopathology" and I was having a hard time understanding the DSM V and my textbook is very "basic", especially in the area of Personality Disorders it is highly vague, and I couldn't tell from one another. Your videos are helping me a lot in my personal life as well, you are a great inspiration! Have a nice day, greetings from Italy :)

You make the best videos about the subject on internet. I’ve lived it, that’s exactly how it is and it’s very difficult to explain to others, but you nailed it. Very impressive.

I subscribed after seeing a fantastic video and haven’t seen you since (I forgot your name despite sub, and yt didn’t promote you) Your videos are great in and of themselves, but your ability to provide concrete examples is unique, they’re very broken down and easy to see and can be extrapolated by anyone. Thank you!

Hello Dr fox, I want to thank you for the tremendous amount of help that your videos have given me as I have numerous people in my family with personality disorders including myself. I'm a 60-year-old Caucasian male living in Michigan. On December 16th 2020 I relocated to move in with my 91 year old mother who suffers from end stage CHF. I prepared myself as much as I possibly could with regards to caring for an elderly parent, independence, not letting them feel like they don't have control and quite a lot of information on just what that person may be feeling and going through. The one thing I was not prepared for was my mother being a vulnerable or covert narcissist. She is as smart as a rack. No cognitive issues there. In fact it takes a great deal of calculating on her part to deceive and manipulate and "manage people". Disheartening to say the least as I just recently realized my eldest son was also showing every single trait. I did a lot of soul searching and went way back to my own childhood, environment, primary caregivers AKA parents, my ex-wife's mother being very narcissistic. My oldest daughter dealing with BPD. Some overlap with some manipulation. Just prior to the realization of my son I spent every day for about 8 months with a man whom I thought was my most trusted friend with morals and integrities and the whole nine yards. Only to find out this was all a facade. It was horrible but I need to be thankful because this is how I learned that there was something other than the over to narcissist that most people think of. Still, I didn't see it in my son or I didn't want to. I didn't even realize it was in my or that my ex-wife was dealing with it herself and the kids were just an extension of herself. Right now I'm faced with my own problem which I believe is codependence. Self-worth, etc. They're taking many steps in the last year and a half or two years to eliminate anything that I believed to be toxic from my life. The whole lack of empathy thing really hits hard especially with regards to my son. Also that odd phenomenon where two of my three children seem to well, mostly one of my three favor their mother and have beat the hell out of me for lack of better wording. I did my best to raise the three of them when she left. Now I'm faced with my 91 year old mother and my own self worth. I'm definitely gotten considerably worse. Anyway sir, please accept my heartfelt thanks for doing these videos because they've helped me a great deal and it's my personal opinion that you are one of the best if not the best without you go about explaining these different issues. Thank you again. Joseph Watson

Best explanation ive heard in years. They cannot put themselves in your shoes due to less great matter in the left anterior insula. A physiologic deficit in the brain and modeling from caretakers who ridiculed them for having needs. ( Sometimes only food shelter and clothing were provided and these people think I wasn't neglected). Repression of the real childhood and idealization of the parents.

I didn't realize something was wrong until she was living with me. I bought a house and couldn't afford to treat her like a princess anymore. Nothing I did was good enough. I blamed myself for so long it destroyed my own opinion of myself if that makes any sense. When I began therapy, I couldn't tell him anything good about myself. Just that I was a good father, which was the only compliment I ever got from my wife. The only one.

You've just described the family member I've not long cut contact with. I knew this was the problem but you described it perfectly.

Thank you for all you do! Please consider a video on BPD in and exacerbated by chronic illness, invisible illness and the effects on BPD of being dismissed and judged. Thank you!

One year with my Covert Narcissist/Dismissive Avoidant: MONTH one : Great MONTH two : Greater MONTH three : Fabulous (heavy love bombing starts/mirroring...) MONTH four : Heaven (I love you...) MONTH five : Seventh heaven... MONTH six : Mask starts to come off (devaluing starts...) MONTH seven : full devalue/dismissive behavior, refusal to talk about issues by ignoring, silent treatment and an aloofness as if I did not even exist, very strange behavior if you've never dealt with this before... MONTH eight : distancing/lying begins (gaslighting also)... MONTH nine : lying clearly shows... MONTH ten : Frustration for me begins to set in... MONTH eleven : Everything is my fault... MONTH twelve : I left her for good, NO contact at all, PERIOD MONTH thirteen : Rebuilding myself. MONTH fourteen : Her; closure letter mailed to me. (attempt to Hoover me.) Me; Still NO contact, too late for her, I DID NOT RESPOND. I learned a lot of new phrases I never heard before regarding Covert Narcissism. Without a doubt, a one-sided relationship and it was horrible. I wish it upon nobody.

Just like the marriage I am gettin ready to get out of its always been one sided, they don't know teamwork, don't show love,they feel sorry for themselves ,and they take advantage of people. They drain you financialy,mentally, and physically. I learned all this thru life coaching that I have been doing for myself the last 4 months .All's I can say is people like you in medical field need to keep teaching people about this because it also teaches us why we are with people like this and than we are able to start loving ourselves, set boundaries for ourselves and forgive ourselves for being and staying in it too long, i will be working on gettin myself healthy for a long time...but I will have my life back..ALOT to be said for peace & happiness!!

Brilliant video. Explains the covert narcissist exactly true to life, thank you. Info better late than never.

Hmmm, not sure I agree with this. But thank God we can agree to disagree. To me, covert seem to be more of the type that are very charismatic, and everybody loves them, and they don't like to draw much attention to them unless of course it is the kind of attention that gets them praise. They only like to be noticed for what they do for others, and generally they don't want other's to do for them because they like to be seen as The Giver, I believe that's how they set us up to draw us in. That's just my $0.10 worth.

Great information! All info helps since I was in the dark so long! Thought I could learn to stand up for myself ( no such thing as boundaries), but all the while he was plotting my demise! So hard to consider that someone would pretend to love you while they are plotting to use and disguard you!

Best description of covert narc I've heard. Thank you!

This is a very accurate and telling list you have compiled here. The boredom and the superficial interests, the value shifting...my God, it continually amazes me how it's like there's a playbook that they follow. Great video, thank you!

You are describing my sister 1,000%. I'm serious; you touched on EVERYTHING she says and does and your examples are things that she has actually done to me. I really, really, REALLY wish I lived in Texas so I could get help from you.

Really good, clear explanation.. thanks

You literally describe my ex covert narcissist to the Letter…spot on sir!

I remember as a kid listening to my mother and grandmother on phone everyday trying to outdo each other with each other's 'illnesses' and knew even as a kid they were both MENTALLY ill ....the covert woe is me weasel

I think that it's important to be objective when trying to determine whether someone is a narcissist (has npd). Because, it's one thing, for example, to be bad about not being punctual, or being kind of flaky (lack of regard for time trait), and a narcissist's reasons and ways of doing this. And people often confuse their dislike for another person for narcissism. But I do know that objectively, if a person truly does lack sufficient and genuine sympathy for the needs or basic welfare of others, demonstrates consistently and persistently an unusually malicious sense of self entitlement, low conscience, a pattern of violating a boundary that is not accidental, and possibly other traits as outlined in the DSM, then there is a possibility of narcissism. I say this because I am worried that this disorder is being misrepresented. For example, domestic violence. A man is not an abuser because he and his wife argue. Or even because he is angry with her. However, if he goes out of his way to start arguments when there was no basis for one at all, puts the other partner down directly or indirectly, has a pattern of gaslighting that results in the partner questioning herself, has a negative impact on her self esteem, and, OR physically assaults his partner in a way that is for that purpose, to assault her, (not self defense), then that is domestic violence. Just an example. I think that people need to know that there are differences between dysfunction and a person who actually may have a personality disorder.

My world is shattering even more by watching your videos. Would I ever be different?

First class presentation - thank you very much.

Wow! You’ve described my ex husband 100%! You’ve explained so well.

I met a suspected covert narcissist in a church bible study. At one point, she made a point of telling me that she needed me to be more of a facilitator than the style of leadership that I was able to provide. My experience of covert narc is one of expectancy of others - they are intolerant of people's vulnerability and they are hypocritical; they expect others to provide for them but they do not provide for others.

Thank you, for this information. I appreciate you speaking from a non-judgmental perspective.

Thank you Dr. Fox. I'm looking for all the help I can find and i chose to investigate your channel because my dad's name is also Dan Fox. Today's off to a good start thanks to you.

Best description of covert ive ever heard. You nailed it!

Hi Dr Fox. I have BPD. I am very puzzled about why Narcissists are given such a bad rap. Surely narcissism is a personality disorder & therefore these people for the most part have no clue why they act as they do & why their lives are always a mess? I have struggled so much having BPD for almost 50 years & not knowing it thereby causing damage & hurt to others unwittingly. Surely the narcissist should receive some kind of compassion.? Its hard for me to understand why people with other types of personality disorders are pitied but narcissists are just totally despised. I am sure they dont choose to be the way they are.

Wow watching this is like realizing the calls are coming from inside the house. This helped me realize my friend is one of these

This is so, so true. I have an overt mother and covert younger sister and flying monkey father, so being an empath, I have to keep things at arms length to keep sane. This is hard as an empath, as you can feel their internal pain however i learned in my early 30's i can't always be a rescuer for other peoples internal struggles. There is no helping them to heal if the self-awareness and emotional intelligence is lacking. There is no benefit to try and point out these behaviours as they don't care or listen and usually silent treatment or retaliation (in the form of emotional neglect or dismissing) will follow, so I've been on my own to discover how to cope. It's good that these videos now exist, however I wish they existed when I was a teen as I would've saved myself a load of heart ache trying desperately to make a heart connection, when it was only attention/supply they in fact were seeking. If I'd known this, it would've made so much more sense and I wouldn't have sacrificed so much of myself and my life to pleasing people who are never happy. Glad to know about it all now. Many of the features/ behaviours do cross over between the two types though, maybe more than what is illustrated here. They can be both full of arrogance and then when proven wrong, they turn to poor victim, sometimes it can happen so fast you'll be suddenly talking empathetically about something that happened to them, when you had started with a story about something hard you were going through. So many times when I have made contact when I was going through a difficult time and then to have the whole conversation flipped about how bad they have had something, it totally throws me off my train of thought and I am left completely confused, still struggling with my difficult problem and feeling I am alone in dealing with something I really need help with. You end up taking more on, instead of offloading tensions. I learned who is safe to vent to in my life and bounce ideas off of, and none are my family members. I wish it was though.

Good video. I wonder if a lot of this goes under the radar because, "Why would I seek out help when I know better than everybody else?" Even if someone with these traits realises they have a problem, they might think that only they are smart enough to understand and fix their problems.

I am 16 years old and I've been abused by a narcissist since I was in 5th grade. Since I was 10 years old she obsessed over having me be her backbone. I was forced to go through extreme levels of stress during several staged suicide attempts that I would dedicate so much emotional support for, just to be blamed for the reason their life was so terrible. Since she was a new student she couldn't understand why my friends, whom she just met, failed to give her as much attention as they gave me. She claimed to have a history of bullying so she felt entitled to be treated a certain way. Her family even hated me although I was the best friend she could ever have, probably because she never told anyone a single good thing about me. Some days I would decide to stand my ground and not invite her somewhere (she was obnoxious and outwardly rude to people) I would get harassed for hours on end and contacted off different numbers, she was obsessive. Nothing about her got better as she got older, she just become more intimidated by not controlling me. When we wouldn't be friends, I'd always apologize due to severe OCD I suffer from. I couldn't stand the intrusive thoughts that there is a possibility I could be better to her because I couldn't be the reason she died. But sure enough my anxiety was wrong. She used her life as a threat and 6 years later I still suffer from her abuse socially. I am graduating high school a year early to escape and finally live a life that isn't hers. Thank you for an amazing video!

I wonder if dr fox or anyone else can recommend a knowledgeable Therapist Specialist in Personality disorders around Mississauga , Toronto ( Canada) area. The issue of BPD and NPD are much more prevalent than we thought! Dr Fox I must say you are exceptionally good in your speciality and thank you for your help.

Great explanation! Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for your videos. Always so informative. Would you be willing to do more on the differences within covert narcissism and explain the traits for these differences, as in; vulnarable, shy, etc.? Example; I know this person who seems to have several traits of covert narcissism, but has no real friends or actual social life for 20+ years. That is something that I cannot seem to place at all. I would think they need the attention/supply?

Daniel, I appreciate this video! ..you are helping me so so much. I will ask the universe to hug you! Thank you! Skylie