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What If You Forgive Too Soon?
Рет қаралды 40,399
Күн бұрынToday Samuel answers a viewer's question on some of the pitfalls of forgiving your spouse too soon.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
@queennothing5216 5 жыл бұрын
I found out 4 days ago about my fiancee's affair.. I'm so glad I found your channel. I'm so broken and so lost. Your channel is helping me find a way back to air. Thank you.
@robertmseaman 5 жыл бұрын
I found out my wife kissed another man a couple months ago as well , sucks !!!!!
@Conflictproject69 5 жыл бұрын
Forgive her in a calm way sit and talk about the situation and don't get angry and friend zone her make her realise what she lost don't go back
@powderedtoastman6265 2 жыл бұрын
I found out the same thing with my fiancé. It’s not fair man and I am sorry. Just do the right thing. Always.
@jessehutchings 5 жыл бұрын
This is definitely relevant for me right now. I'm trying to rush things along so we can go back to being okay, so I can stop having emotional meltdowns, so we can move into our next place, so I don't have to feel the pain of her refusing to talk about the issues with me. I've tried to balance my affection with reminding her that I still feel a lot of pain and I'm still struggling with trust (I don't like hearing about guys, any guys, anymore; I'm hyper vigilant, I study the face and eye movements of any guy she talks to; I study her expressions, too; etc). I'm afraid that she will never accept that both of us need to come to grips with why she did what she did and what it means for us and her as a person.
@deanarjones9114 Жыл бұрын
Forgiveness isn’t moving on too soon. Forgive but enforce boundaries, wait out the consequences, do the work. Forgiveness is required biblically daily. Forgiveness is separate from jumping back into a relationship
@delizabethmcmillan 5 жыл бұрын
I forgave early, by month 4. However, it may feel early, but the work is being done. We have a firm grasp in healing what was broken in the marriage, within the unfaithful and within me the betrayed . Often forgiveness is a catalyst to allow our heart to be less bitter and see the situation in a understanding and open way. I do not think I'd be able to go forward in the process without giving my spouse the grace his heart and mine need to have some peace. In the beginning of this he let me know how hurt his heart was and the things that he seen breaking within us.. infocused deeply on changing things that hurt him before he returned completely to me. Now we are focused on the affair healing and doing emso.
@hkk__ 6 жыл бұрын
My husband went to a brothel for the first time, after I gave birth to our first child 3 weeks prior, we have been married for 4 years. He accepts he went there... but he tells me he did nothing but he had paid $400. He told his brother that the prostitute was super slim and fit, and he had fun. But tells me he did nothing. Although I know it has happened, he just won't accept it. I just wanted to put my story out there, i dont know what im expecting back. I cant ever forget... but i do love him, but cant trust him
@niftynickel1978 10 ай бұрын
😢 I wonder how everything turned out for you?
@TinaMarieJ 5 жыл бұрын
I'm suffering from this right now. I hurried it up and rushed forgiveness, rushed moving on amd forgetting just so that I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. I also blamed myself for this and didn't start feeling the consequences of it alp until around the 1st yr anniversary. Now I'm considering therapy to help us both heal and work through this
@samshealingpodcast 5 жыл бұрын
don't consider it my friend, do it for sure. it's very normal, but you'll need to get expert help asap. you'll want and need that safety blanket of getting into a process that will help you and him both. without that, it only gets worse. so don't wait long. i would look at our ems weekend or ems online at affairrecovery.com
@NINOHERNANDEZ361 5 жыл бұрын
I can forgive but forgiving myself for forgiving will be the hardest. Setting my ego aside, & not put up a wall even though I want to so we can move forward. That's the hardest for me if it makes sense
@Janmarlig 3 жыл бұрын
After the 4th D day with the same affair partner, I , as the betrayed spouse, came to this very conclusion. I forgave too soon and buried all the feelings. I never really dealt with the grief for many of the reasons stated.
@sunnygibbs925 4 жыл бұрын
I told my husband I forgave him I think the first week after I discovered; then I made him sleep on the couch; the week after I put him out the house; and attend therapy. Forgiveness is for YOU. I'm not sure about full reconciliation though. I still don't know if I'm going to stay in the marriage or divorce yet- it's not a decision I feel that I have to rush. I'm trying to heal myself- but I see he's trying- I just don't know if it's genuine.....he's been deceiving me involved in multiple affairs for years.....either way he has some deep issues we need to get through and I want to see the therapy through because we have 2 small children and I want to have as much information to help them out in the future, if need be.
@jaysheldon6443 4 жыл бұрын
Thats my story as well. Good luck with your painful journey
@leeballestrin5142 4 жыл бұрын
You have helped me through the darkness days and nights..thank you
@bell6408 6 жыл бұрын
It’s been almost a year since I found out and I have recently committed to choosing forgiveness but I still don’t feel ready to actually forgive because I almost feel like that would be saying that it’s done with and we can move on. I’m willing to work through things but I keep getting stuck on feeling like he could do it again or that he could be hiding something. I need some of the romance back and I need to see him trying to get more resources and therapy. It’s so hard with everyday bullshit and work/life stresses and I feel so much worse when I feel like he’s distracted from our recovery.
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
you're exactly right Isobel. are you all getting any kind of help? he will need a process for sure and he will need help on what to do. he won't find it on his own. have you tried the bootcamp yet? here it is: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp that's a great start then i would look at the ems weekend or one of the online courses. he will need direction and some hand holding on how to do this. without it, i fear he won't ever lead or show what you're looking for him to show. or, it will take so long you may be done by the time he finally gets it. hope that all makes sense.
@marriesb1444 3 жыл бұрын
About 2 months I did forgive him for myself we are working on the marriage everyday there are good days and bad days just cause I forgave I didn't forgive the act. We are not hurrying because we still have a lot of work to go and still questing him about everything. Some days we cry and some days we laugh
@mysticmama_3692 2 ай бұрын
Yeah...I forgave at 2 weeks. Then at week 6 found out new, even more hurtful information so I'm having to work through that to forgive again for the things I wasnt aware of the first time. I still stand by forgiving him for being an imperfect human that has made bad choices, but now I've got to work on forgiving all the little things I didn't know about in the beginning.
@irvinquijano 7 жыл бұрын
my wife wants to leave me because i was unfaithful to her which is reasonable , but i'm trying my hardest to win her back, i'm definetely reseting my whole life around, but she doesn't not want to ,she doesn't hear me, or listens to me, she has made up her mind about leaving soon and there's no turning back for her. wow this has been so hard.
@samshealingpodcast 7 жыл бұрын
irvin, i'm terribly sorry my friend. how long has it been since she found out? what kind of timeframe are you dealing with here? not trying to give you false hope but maybe there is some clarity i can provide.
@irvinquijano 7 жыл бұрын
Overcoming Infidelity it's been a month, since all this happend, she's a believer and says she will forgive me bit doesn't mean she will stay with me. the only reason she hasn't left it is because she hasn't found a place, she says she doesn't hate me bit yet acts as if she does,she gets angry quickly and I just try to be patiente. She now says she didn't feel love for me since three years ago. (we have been marry for 5)we can have civil talks in the house bit sometimes we argue,we have a daughter. I've been speaking to a counselor bit she hasn't, but the other day she asked me if she could go speak to him too. So I'm taking this as a positive thing. I love my wife with all my heart. unjust want her back. bit she s stubborn, doesn't listen to me. sometimes I want to just throw the toemwel and leave bit then I think of how much I love her . I can't give up in her
@irvinquijano 7 жыл бұрын
it's been a month since i told her about it, we have been married for 5 years and she says she hasn't been happy in the past three, she doesn't listen to me at all, it's almost as if i was talking to a wall, i saw a video of yours where you talk about reseting your life, well i'm definetly reseting mine, God is chaning me, She's a believer and says she will forgive you but doesn't mean she will stay with me, she' s definetely going to move out, says i'm an inmature person, a selfish and a lier. i love my wife with all my heart, i'd loose everything to get her back. i've been praying a lot, i have never gotten so close to God as i am right now, but right now she just gets mad quickly and today i kind of lost my patiente as well. tomorrow is our anniversary so we will be going to see a therapist, she's the one that came up to me and said she would like to go, i didn't force her, so i'm gonna take that as a positive thing. she's stubborn and when she makes up her mind there's no turning back for her.
@irvinquijano 7 жыл бұрын
i've been doing a lot of changes in my life, i'm embracing this enourmous pain but she sees nothing or doesn't want to see.
@samshealingpodcast 7 жыл бұрын
i had a reply and it deleted. so sorry. anyway, have you thought about asking her to come to the ems weekend, only under the auspices to get help before making any major decisions? perhaps she will attend, only to get help and frame the trauma, not make any decisions yet and she will not be shamed into saving the marriage or manipulated into it. what do you think?
@skizy11 6 жыл бұрын
This is exactly what I did wrong... I did not allow myself to go through all the pain and hurt, because I was so worried about getting my husband away from the other women and back home with me. I let my codependency rule me... He moved out for only a month after I found out, and while he was gone he still kept in contact with the other women and my dumb ass stayed in contact with him and did everything I could to make him see what an amazing woman I was. Even after he moved back in I found out he was still contacting the same 3 women... The last contact he had with them was about 2 months ago I do know that for sure. But now I am full of resentment and so angry at myself...
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
go easy on yourself. it's completely normal. i'm sorry you're in so much pain, but it's a common thing. you've got to get help for your own recovery now and helping you process the anger. this is a great course to consider: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope hope that helps.
@khadijakhadojti7948 4 жыл бұрын
Hi. Same issue here. How are you now?
@kileystover8251 4 жыл бұрын
Did you stay together
@132000atay 6 жыл бұрын
Although I prayed and asked God for strength to move on, to forgive Uf but I still feel lousy and hurt by his betrayal. Especially the intimacy we had long time back is very precious and special to me. But now it is stained! The lousy feelings of Uf choosing to have intimacy with another on something special between us makes me want to puke. This horrible feelings comes and go. I still love my boyfriend very much. I want to be with him but I just kept having flashbacks on Uf and AP. What should I do to help myself? Uf is not comfortable to go counseling. The D day was 5 months ago..
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
its concerning he would do this and not be 'comfortable' going to counseling. that's a huge red flag. i would be concerned as for someone to cheat and then not be comfortable with counseling or getting help, is a big red flag. so please consider that. i would do harboring hope for you to help heal which you can find here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i would also consider trauma care with something called emdr which a professional certified in it can help. it's about helping heal the trauma and memories you're facing. much like ptsd, the pain yo're feeling is very real. but, i would appeal to you and remember, that he doesn't get to tell you how you heal. if you need counseling or something like that, get it asap.
@ChronicChristy 4 жыл бұрын
Yes!!! I desperately wanted to get things back to as normal as I could. It only proved to add fuel to the fire & it exploded yet again. If I could say one thing to myself back in 2014, I would say "Don't put a bandaid on expecting it to act like a tourniquet."
@mitchelljones7683 5 жыл бұрын
a mistake I've made to many times moving on in a hurry giving the betrayer all kind of motives to not stop and/or end any old or new affairs and being the betrayed its harder to heal because of all the unanswered questions and ECT i keep replaying all that took place and every time i have a horrible flashback and ECT the betrayer will be confused and upset because I said i forgive and let's move forward only told the cheater your off the hook and we don't have to talk about it so am left to deal with the pain, anger and ECT alone when I noticed red flags am also left to deal with the doubt of anything the betrayer says and or doing then I seem like the negative one causing issues in our marriage which leaves me confused feeling the need to know details ECT like I don't already know enough I guess am wanting to hear none of the affairs was real and or about love but I feel deeply I will never get the truth about any of the affairs and what they meant to my betrayer so now am just confused lost hurt betrayed spouse that has to deal with it all alone because I was in a hurry to forgive and move forward because that is how the betrayer wanted it so to keep somewhat of peace I went along with it
@nathanielgray4235 Жыл бұрын
So if they aren't interested to dig up the reasons they took that route shows there's no chance of change?
@alyssacole8360 2 жыл бұрын
Alright, so practically, how does this process look when two people are co-habitating together and now some information has been disclosed (or not) and the entire world between the two goes dark and gloomy. Space? Separation between the two? So basically.. you can just hold on to it until you're ready, meanwhile your relationship gets worse because of the unforgivness, bitterness, ect. Sure, forgive does not mean forget. Of course not. But, if the unfaithful has been free from their past, making living amends, and all of a sudden this crap resurrects and now betrayed is questioning everything and dismissing all the good progress made... what do you do next? Seriously. Not dismissing the behavior of the past, of course not. But, it makes no sense to hold on to something that happened years ago, your spouse has repented and changed, but if they can't see that or accept it, then you're living in misery going forward. I agree but disagree with some of this. Share practical information of how it looks then.
@jayelime6254 3 жыл бұрын
Yes very hard to 4give the cheater
@gigil7907 6 жыл бұрын
Hi there, looking for a video on relapse, multiple d-days etc. ?
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
here are a few articles/resources from the site: www.affairrecovery.com/qa-relapse-inevitable www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-after-affair-relapse-prevention www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-relapse-why-cant-you-stop hope those help you.
@classicbeauty9373 6 жыл бұрын
How Can I find a good therapist in my area. My husband and I leave in LosAngeles
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
hi there. what part of los angeles? i would make sure whomever you see is an expert in infidelity. sometimes the will advertise that, or share that in their information but i would verify they have been through it, treated it for 10 years or so and are continual students of both professional training and infidelity.
@dianaturcotte8224 7 жыл бұрын
what if the betrayer has moved on & has put it behind him already? how do i cope with this?
@samshealingpodcast 7 жыл бұрын
hi diana. fact is, they may want to, but you still have to heal. here is an article series addressing it: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/why-couples-fail-after-an-affair-not-knowing-what-happened usually they put it behind them out of shame and not wanting to talk about it. if you aren't able to process it, know what happened, and get the info for healing purposes, usually the couple cannot heal and restore their marriage. the data actually shows that may betrayed spouses end up having their own affair as they are unable to heal and process the trauma. not always, but a lot of times they will end up with their own difficulties from unprocessed trauma. not always an affair, but addictions, acting out, etc etc.
@ericagarcia742 4 жыл бұрын
I need a good therapist in Orlando Florida ☹️😞
@evecoll5557 6 жыл бұрын
Can you recommend a good therapist whose qualified in that area ? I live in Macon Georgia..
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
hi eve. i'm sorry, but i can't as i would only recommend someone who i trusted and knew personally. have you considered coming to the ems weekend here in austin? there are four expert therapists that facilitate the weekend? what about that?
@chivonfortney1656 5 жыл бұрын
yeah my husband was the bully. and he slowed down my healing process becuz i wasnt better yet on his time table. hes an avoidant type personality attachment anyways. and i got accused of dwelling!! that ticks me off. no compassion for what he just put me through. so i only was there for myself for a year and a half before he was ready to listen to me describe my pain and i verbally replayed everything he did and put him my shoes and asked him if he were Me would he be able to forgive me if id done all that with Multiple partners. ?? he was struck quiet and then to tears. he finally felt remorse. took almost two yrs!!!! becuz hes a very self protective man with tall walls and not near as big hearted and soft as i am.
@jiselcampos2358 6 жыл бұрын
Think that was me the too soon. I didnt understand the Time Limit. Because didnt want to abandon or neglet does that make sense
@winterhobley6957 7 жыл бұрын
What about for the people who were the "other person" and they want to change ?
@samshealingpodcast 7 жыл бұрын
Winter, thanks for reaching out. I'm glad you posted. in terms of suggestions, I would consider getting help from a therapist whose qualified. i would start there and find someone in your area that can help you begin to understand your own journey and why you did what you did and how to move forward in your own healing.
@fangcooks5643 5 жыл бұрын
06:28 crucial
@melissavarnes449 6 жыл бұрын
My husband and I have been married for 15 years and he cheated some month's back and we are trying to get thru it together with God. But the other woman is pregnant and saying it is my husband's so how do I deal with that..
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
hi melissa. i'm terribly sorry for the pain. those situations are some of the worst and most difficult indeed. for starters, I would highly recommend a DNA test. i would also suggest getting the best help possible for you and your spouse, provided you want to save the marriage. are you considering saving the marriage?
@melissavarnes449 6 жыл бұрын
Yes we are trying to save our marriage and yeah we already said we were getting a DNA test done
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
i would look at the ems weekend for sure as you'll need expert, in person care and a protocol not just for recovery but also for life after the affair and life after the child is born: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend here are some thoughts about the weekend as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/infidelity-counseling www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/will-i-just-be-embarrassed-and-humiliated-ems-weekend www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-marriage-retreat-interview
@dianaturcotte8224 6 жыл бұрын
It has been 8 months for us. And i am having major relapse right now. Is this normal? (I am the betrayed.) He doesn't know why I am bringing things up again. I dont either really??
@samshealingpodcast 6 жыл бұрын
hi diana. yes, it's normal. this video will help: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/are-you-or-your-spouse-experiencing-delayed-anger it's probably a new layer of forgiveness you'll need to process and address. it's highly normal but if you'll take this time to process you'll be able to gain serious ground in your recovery.
@trustthemosthigh7063 7 жыл бұрын
I am sending this to my husband because he want to move on and forget everything thing he has done with his porn addiction. I have a question, is it normal for me to be falling out of love sense finding out about his infidelity or am I just so hurt that it seems like I am falling out of love. thank you for your videos. they have gotten me through some tough thoughts I have been having.
@trustthemosthigh7063 7 жыл бұрын
I am much slower at moving on than he is trying to be and it's making me frustrated.
@mindyblueeyes13 7 жыл бұрын
I would be careful about sending things as a way of saying 'see this is what you should do' or 'I feel exactly like this and you should respect my feelings'. In both cases, you may be coming across as defensive or pushy. Neither is appealing and both may be counter productive. Pray about it first. If however, you are both openly engaged in trying to understand and reconnect (which I'm not hearing), then he would be receptive to any outside advice. Falling out of love, I get that. Love changes as our perception of life & our partner changes. Focusing on the pain & embarrassment will highlight and consume your mind because what you focus on will grow. If you can think about & reminisce with your husband on good memorable moments, you will remember why you fell in love. Maybe even delve deeper into exploring more of those times. That is your choice. What Samuel said about timelines makes a lot of sense for BOTH of you. Everyone heals (from heartbreak AND shame) on their own timeline. Take Care -
@samshealingpodcast 7 жыл бұрын
hi there. it's very normal, but right now you can't listen to your feelings as guideposts as your feelings can change radically. also, it's normal for the spouse who cheated or has an addiction to want to move on incredibly fast as they are struggling with shame. they want to put it behind them as fast as they can as they are feeling ashamed of what they've done and don't want to feel that pain. this article series will explain more: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame hurt blinds us, so before you make any big decisions, i would make sure you're getting great help and perspective. then, you can make decisions. sure hope that helps you. thanks so much for the wonderfully kind words.
@samshealingpodcast 7 жыл бұрын
it's very normal, but don't allow him to rush you as you'll only end up more hurt and more traumatized.
@mindyblueeyes13 7 жыл бұрын
Several good points & references. I agree it is a debilitating sickness that affects the user and others. I agree that we shouldn't be so quick to just 'move on' and forget about it. Most addictions are not 'cured' overnight and HE should be held accountable for his part in recovery. Julie, though you gave a link to determine codependency & make an accurate (from personal experience also) assessment of 12 step programs, I get the overall impression that he's entirely to blame. A relationship - any relationship - involves more than one person. Quite often there are several factors at work in all parties (childhood, work environment, gender roles, physical & emotional aspects). Sure, he has repeatedly made bad choices - he is feeling like he's missing out or lacking something. In fact, watching porn may actually make him feel less adequate (not a rock star like those young bucks able to have no responsibility while women just give themselves to his every whim). In any event, he's trying to fill a void (excitement, spontaneity, desire) and/or avoid (commitment, shame, responsibility, communication). I believe it takes whole hearted communication, forgiveness, love, and patience from all people involved.
@lilmama16ification 4 жыл бұрын
I’ve always forgiven him The day of. Bc I can’t face it
@AprilAA1976 2 жыл бұрын
I understand. I was already begging him to come home the day after. It’s been two weeks now and he wants to act like nothing is wrong but I’m still destroyed inside.
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