Here is a list of what Abusers/Narcissists usually do to their targets : - Insults their target very often. Then lie when confronted about it, or say it was a joke. - When confronted with their behavior, they pretend to be innocent and play the victim. - Everything is always your fault, even when it's obviously not. - They always have a justification for every bad thing they do. They think they're always right. - Very controlling, they tell you how to live, but they can live anyway they want. Very hypocritical. - They accuse you of what they're doing to you (RED FLAG!), it's called Projection. - Portraying themselves as angels outside, when they are actually demons with their family and especially their target. - They want you to fail, while pretending to want you to succeed (they're very convincing). - They never say they are sorry for hurting you (RED FLAG!). - Poison your favorite activities, they don't want you to be happy or to get pleasure. They also poison other useful activities like important skills which will help you in the future. They DO NOT want you to have skills, they want you to be as weak as possible. They don't teach you anything. - Subtly lead a smear campaign against their target, so they isolate it and make sure they don't get help. - When you want to leave the relationship with a narcissist, they beg you to stay with them and cry crocodile tears. They are the best actors. - Sometimes nice, sometimes cruel. You never know where you stand with them. - They pretend to be "victims", and they blame the target for their own behavior. - They are incredibly arrogant and sadistic. They see the target as weak, and deserving to suffer. - They think they are models to be followed. - They are spiritually dead although they might loudly profess some kind of Spiritual Belief. Please share this message to other people and forums. We have to raise awareness!

Gaslighters find your soft spot and attack it viciously to shut you down if you try to stand up to them and assert yourself. She has shamed me physically many times for both my flaws and positives. I wanted to fight back but could not stoop down to her level. I could have counter-attacked her for for her physical deformity. It would have hurt her tremendously but I could not do it. The words were on the tip of my tongue. It is our conscience that makes us vulnerable and unable to attack in kind. She throws stones and lives in a glass house but i cannot break it because it would have been wrong and malicious. I walk away and ignore and cut off contact.

Videos like this have made me realize that I have endured gaslighting my entire life. Everything you're explaining is exactly the way my mother would treat me. Even to this day, she tells me my childhood was not the way I remember. At first, a piece of me questioned that statement and I thought maybe I was over exaggerating. But thankfully I have done a lot of healing these past years and I was able to quickly dismiss that thought of self-doubt. I know what happened and it was not ok. I'm so thankful that now I understand myself worth and that my feelings matter. It's videos like this that have helped me to grow.

I've been through this and I got out of the relationship a week ago. My intuition told me all sorts of things concerning infidelity of my partner interacting with others on an intimate level. When I brought this up, the gas lighting began. I felt like I was going insane, I had specific dates wrong, people's names wrong, certain information was distorted and I started to not trust my perceptions and memory. I thought I was the wrong one! I started seeing a psychologist and was put on medication. As I became more educated and read up on my psychology notes (I am a final year Occupational Therapy student) I found out that my partner was indeed narcissistic and I wasn't going crazy. Thank God I got out of the relationship and I am in the process of healing. What's hurting is that I have my final exams and I have been under-performing. I will never forgive them for what they put me through! Bottom line: Knowledge is power. Emancipate yourselves from such situations with more knowledge. Thank you for sharing this!!!

This explains a lot of what happened in one of my recent relationships. By the end of it she had me thinking I was crazy, now I realize things we're not really how they seemed at the time.

Yes, I saw his text messages to the other woman and when I asked him whether it was over and done with her he got angry at me and felt like a victim. He bevande yelling and screaming on the street making me feel shameful . He then Made it clear to me that I was jelous for no reason and he wòuld not deal with me!

in my relationship there were subtle things he did. he invalidated my reality and dismisses me and says "we have talked about this too much already"

My mom is a narcissist and I've started to notice that she's been trying to gaslight me. I got away from her and my family but I've got to get my daughter back.

This is a great topic/video. I was negatively gaslit by an addict/co-worker before. It was really frustrating because I was treated unfairly in the workplace. I felt like I could not have a voice and that I didn't have basic rights. It's hurtful. I would say, to the victims of this psychological abuse, you are not the crazy one and it is good to talk to people about this stuff!

So we all gaslight to a certain extent, but it can be taken to another level.

dead on felt like I was caught in a dark web..hated being there hated who I became...hated trying to still treat them with dignity...it wasn't worth it worse 4 yrs of my life

Ayye, I dealt with all 3 in the same relationship. No wonder I had a mental break and ended up in the crisis ward and became suicidal.

oh how I wish I had known this 25 years ago. I suffered so long. I finally escaped, but He reigns as king of the good guys. And I am recovering queen of the crazies...

im the screaming name caller but what fails to be acknowledged is the gas lighting, silent treatments, sabotage, disrespect, false accusations tht lead up to me being verbally abusive. how much can some one take before spiraling down? any body who knew me and the bf thought i was this horrible woman.

This woman is good.. I watched one of her videos two days ago, utilized what is learned from it the very next day, and was a powerstar in my relationship! Right when the argument and negative remarks began I simply let them roll right off of me and focuses on staying positive and firm. Before I knew it, my experience went from being verbally attacked to the other person laughing it all off like it was a joke the entire time. I know it was no joke but I do think they see that they has some adjustments to do within their self. We all have room for growth and are guilty of such behaviors without even knowing sometimes..some habits come from our background, while others we tend to grab along the way to stay protected from getting hurt...all in all, I'm so thankful for her guidance

You have saved my sanity over and over. So much gratitude!

"Empathy trap." Totally been there, and still fight it every day.

I am so thankful I found you Kristin! So helpful!

OMG. I found out about a second affair after two years of being told I was paranoid and need help. This is my wife. Why do I miss this person? We are in the middle of a divorce and it's awful.

I disagree that Gaslighter's are unconscious to that behavior. They do it deliberately

Just got out of a situation with this going on, it was...........SO EXTREME. Everything i was logicalizing in my mind as to what was going on, is EXACTLY how you're explaining it, but i never knew it had a name! Thank you SO. MUCH!!! It was meant for me to accidentally stumble upon this!!! Wow.

Gaslighting.... One of my favorite subjects!!!

more people need to watch and understand this. thank you!

My partner put my memory and recall into question. Yes, she was on a pedestal and I regret putting her there. She never apologised for anything. She would gaslight me but it snapped back on her eventually as i know my memory is good. In fact it is brilliant for recalling events. She is now doubting hers which isn't the best but made out she was always right. No we don't I've together anymore.

I definitely lost myself and definitely all of the wrong doings she perpetrated were only seen as wrong by people other than her. I REALLY lost myself. I honestly thought I had developed borderline personality disorder.

Gaslighting is detectable when you know you feel kicked to the wayside at the abusers gain or "win" of some argument or situation - more often than not. I've learned to ignore them.

You are super brilliant, and explained this in such a clear concise manner. Thank you!

my intelligence was getting insulted while he was talking to *her. He wanted to carry on 2 relationships so he told me I was crazy everytime I would question that he was texting *her. He would say that Im paranoid and need more anxiety drugs.I would clearly see the fb searches and the texts on the phone bill but somehow he would figure out a way to convince me I was seeing things. After awhile, you do go crazy

I agree about educating everyone on these types of behaviors, especially making our young adults aware of this type of manipulation, and not just a description in a psychology class but a real program to teach young adults to protect and empower themselves. This knowledge can not be underestimated. It can result in people saving themselves from years of unnecessary self sabotage .

great video. the beginning of Gas lighting begins at 5:31

I think that it is useless to say any more: "Those good old times!" All these unhealthy patterns have been born during centuries - the science of psychology is just now so developed, that these all mechanisms that people have been using hundred of years and developed an art of them, comes in to the light. Soon all can see, how politicians use gas lighting, media is using gas lighting, by choosing the new they tell to people (what they do not tell, it would be interesting to know???) in the workplaces people are been gaslighted and manipulated...in the schools children are manipulated and it is called "education"... At schools they tell to children stories that are not necessarily true at all! The more knowledge grows, (internet has made that possible for more and more people...) the more equal people will become creating their possibilities in life, because no-one can keep them down without their acceptance, and they know it! Little by little the world is changing, indeed! Thank you!

Thank you for this clear video...you didn't talk in circles and it was very easy to watch.

Hi thanks all for the feedback on the volume. I bought a new microphone system and will play around with it to make the next video louder.

Wow I grew up with this gaslighting constantly being told that my feelings were wrong and or ignore abuse from my father and toxic sibling...then I ended up marrying a narcissist who constantly gas lighted me... no wonder now in my fifties I am always second guessing myself. This is so painful and heartbreaking to see how I was so groomed or set up for abuse. Thanks for sharing your videos on the subject. The responsibility is on the gaslighter however... because they are the manipulative evil doer.

To skip to the definition of gas lighting go directly to 5:30 in the video. Thumbs up if you found this helpful and want others to find it quickly.

Ok .. I saw someone mentioned volume already so I will not go there and just simply say your video is awesome and very helpful ... Thank u so much...

Thanks - excellent insight! I'm glad that someone, Kristen Snowden, is privy to this form of manipulation. I was a victim. It took a few years to realize the scam - didn't know that it had a 'name,' i.e., gas lighting. I was lucky and managed to focus on work - realizing that if the paycheck stopped my kids would suffer. Anyhow, 15 years later, my kids love me - I love them - the ex-wife is financially-secure and healthy. Things are not perfect but easy compared to the initial shock of 'discontinuation.'

This is a fantastic video about Gas Lighting. So many people link Gas Lighting solely with Narcissism. That practice is very misinforming. Emphasizing the subconscious vs. conscious forms of it really help to define it. The examples you used were excellent. Also, fantastic work at also emphasizing how this technique can be covert or "Flies under the Radar". This really is a great learning tool.

There's some nuance here that I haven't heard elsewhere. Thank you.

I dont even know who I am anymore.

This is such a way too wonderful way to explain.You have explained it in a simple way.Now i fully understand what is going on.This is excellent.Thank you so much.You have saved my life.When i say something i am told i am told i am too sensitive and picky.

it's more subtle than that. some people think they are "right" and anyone else is just wrong.

Can I ever be healed???? It's been a year since I broke with my gasligting mom :(

Parent relationship, you got that right. He was already looking for my replacement. I was told this by his friend Karen. He had already boldly cheated on me with crazy borderline, she stalked me a year. And he will deny that he slept with this woman. I wasn't born yesterday, and women don't stalk unless there has been some kind of intimacy

Thank you so much for this video. It really gave me greater insight.

I really love your podcasts because it helps me understand my relationship dynamics and trauma I suffered in the hands of what I call a Histrionic Narccisist woman. And being a male anyway the beauty of you women clouds our judgment anyway. But that's all external. I recognized Narcissisim and got a little on me. They say Narcissists don't know they are Narcissists as with my siblings,God luv me, of the Golddn trip our older generations seemed to be on. So I'm glad this is addressed.

Thank you Kristin! Your videos do help and show another side of this type of personality disorders! I like how you show the difference between love addicts, and love avoided! And how they can swap roles! So to speak! Thanks again and coming out of these moral life styles is vary, vary painful! God bless

Thank you! I'm glad you are making these videos. Appreciate your more realistic and fair approach....

and i have anxiety and depression issues so it's easy for this person to think it's me and not him- but really both he and i created some dark stuff.

Living with consistent sarcasm, cynicism, put-downs, emotional isolation and this "gas-lighting"....all these things combine to erase a person. They really do cause you, eventually, to feel invisible, and invisible is a horrid way to live. The lack of validation and respect and LOVE can kill you. If you can get out, get OUT. The toll this will take on your health will kill you if you don't end up doing that yourself. This is a toxic situation the effect of which can not be over-stated. Do not fool yourself into thinking you can "deal" with all this day in and day out. You can't. Get out.

My husband was a piece of shit!

wowa! every single thing you said is what I am dealing w

I think I've been connected to someone with narcissistic tendencies. I'm the servent and he's the king. all he does is pick me apart. everything I do is wrong. I've gone out of my way to please him and it always comes with negative comments regardless. I'm either trying too hard, or not enough. He rarely tells me I'm beautiful. He's told me I look like shitt before and I said nothing.. he's an angelic prince who lives in this imaginary celebrity world. he thinks he can do whatever. it's true, he does target my weaknesses. We are on and off and he always comes back and I accept. I want to be free, I'm sick of this

my ex would always tell me "youre not thinking straight" this happened during fights and when i wanted to break up with him. he would then tell me about the wonderful future we could have. is this gas lighting??

thank you so much you might've saved my life or at least a good 30 or 40 years of unhappiness

The personality who wants to please others is the one who needs to realize the question is what does god want for me so the self question wont have to torment me any longer

Bravo!!!👏🏼👏🏼 Outstanding video!! My EVIL NARC mother use Gas Lighting a lot on the whole family. She was a SICKO!! I came from an abusive house of HORRORS which made me a codependent person. This Gas lighting is a Big trigger for me. I've had 2 Narc ex-boyfriend in my past life that all most destroyed me. You are there PLAY TOY in there Big Fun House from HELL. These Narc are like The invasion of the bodysnatchers sucking your Energy force from the inside out. Your left a broken down empty person on the verge of suicide. RUN don't LOOK BACK and THROW AWAY the KEY to the FUN HOUSE. NARC FREE FOREVER!!!!!!

This is an excellent and informative video. Thank you so much!

Love your work. It is so helpful. Thank you.

Very, very insightful. thank you for this useful video.

I wonderd how these strangers approaching me knew or had the same problem or need , and how certain people repeated information I shared privately in self help groups & healing & self care groups to heal . That’s why I stopped going to self help groups & sharing my story..... because it didn’t feel safe or private ...... so really your conditioned to not share your story or get help .... because they let you know that nothings really kept private. So in my situation healing is not really in my control. Everything I trusted in life , has gone. There’s mirroring your victims needs .... & there’s letting the victim know that they know private details you disclose in privacy to self help groups in trust & faith. These people make you lose everything that makes you human. It’s the worst experience I’ve ever been through. I don’t understand how people are allowed to gain all the victims personal information to further revictimise or abuse victims. I’ll probably meet someone tommorow that can comb out matted hair ....... with a mirror. I Never really ever got the choice or chance to meet a solution. But I do seem to meet people that prey on people’s problems to exploit further.

Somebody might think I'm right and your wrong. They like to gaslight.

relationships by its very nature is emotional attachment and of emotional dependency which we interpret as love

Awesome insight

good work Kristin !!

Thank you- so valuable.

Thank you so much, this so insightful. :)

Her voice is really calming. She could throw all this helping people stuff in the garbage and do ASMR videos if she wanted to. Or merge the two. ASMR and GasLighting (soft talking, whispers, etc. Tapping)

cycles of insanity indeed... indeed.

Fantastic stuff, great work!

i had an ex who would keep calling the house and hanging up, i was wrong in the relationship not to willingly change my number again-i just felt like changing my number was letting the ex win control and its just annoying to have to remember who got the new number and who needs it, and its pointless cuz eventually the ex finds my number some how. i finally got so frustrated i just gave up having a phone, when that was causing problems with medical appts i got a phone and new number then started getting weird calls and the caller id was loaded with all these weird number, id come home from work and have fights with my boyfriend because of all these phone calls that came in while i was gone. he wouldn't' call the numbers himself he'd just scream at me "what are all these phone calls from" i would call all the numbers and get a dead line or a survey or some company trying to get me to consolidate my debt. but he wouldn't listen to the call when i called it back. he wanted to believe i was betraying him, and it just filled me with rage that was almost 3 years ago but im still angry about it. im so sick of having to be a gumshoe to prove my character my character to speak for it self.

Thank you so much!

hell get to the point I no longer care what gaslighting is you took too long to explain it. I will stick with what works for me. I've come to love and accept the person I see in the mirror each day. I know what works right or wrong. I no longer spend time or energy with foolish people. I am not desperately seeking anything or anyone. I enjoy my own company . I have many things to keep me busy and sane. A burdensome relationship does not happen to me anymore. Come correct or you can't stay and I won't feel anything but free and content. I'm responsible for my own happiness. I tell this to all young women coming to me crying about some nonsense they're allowing to take hold of their being. If you feel trapped start making plans to get the hell out. Worried you won't have the lifestyle you've grown accustomed to. I had many Setback's after freeing myself from a abusive relationship. But all the stuff i had and what I allowed myself to put up with, doesn't compare to the happiness I feel now. I now have respect from the men I talk with either they accept my reasonable standards or they move on. This is my life and this works for me😁

Your videos are really eye-opening!! Thank you!

Is it normal for these to trigger pain in me. I started crying. 6 foot buffed and crying. Is it normal?

The volume is way too low. I'd like to listen once it's fixed.

When someone is in the throes of an affair. Not throws.

I have a lot!

What do you mean when you said "lose oneself"??? Can you explain more about that subject? What happens and why exactly do you think people "lose their identity's"?

Wow, thanks for the great video! I found this video after just realizing yesterday that I was being gaslighted by ex-wife for the last 5 years of our marriage. Lots of that-happened-to-me moments during the video. :/ BTW, do you subscribe to David Schnarch's (Intimacy and Desire, The Passionate Marriage) view of relationship dynamics? Sounds like you two are cut from the same cloth.

My website address has changed! www.kristinsnowden.com Check it out and let me know what you think!

Thanks Kristin. Helpful to have professional commentary in this space. How much have you dealt with truly Malignant Narcissists? I know gaslighting very very well. I now see it everywhere and when I do it's like a meta moment and I realize I can stop fighting but it kills any respect or future friendship / jobship I may be having with that person. However, I am not sure I totally agree with you that narcs are 'afraid' and 'scared' to let you see how insecure they are. I don't think that is really the way their thoughts are framed or that they have any thoughts at all. I think they just 'do'. Like an evil android with layers of programming to use against you.

Thankyou for not bringing your relationship in this area as others have done, I think hurt gets in the way of good information. The other video's are helpful indeed but get based on one's own experiences instead of a broader look at the disorder. Thankyou.

you did a thorough job breaking down the components thanks

I think this is a very fair and reasonable problem...........and that is, what if the person actually IS crazy/his or her responses make no sense or are really foolish/idiotic. What's that called? I have no shame in calling out idiocy

This therapist could have mentioned that Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer starred in this excellent movie (Gaslight www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855/?ref_=nv_sr_2). Ingrid Bergman actually won a Best Actress Oscar that year for her performance.

The idea that both people in a conversation can have their own perspective of reality...and that neither is evil/stupid/crazy...is completely foreign to me after being raised in an extremely dysfunctional family. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this idea. I think that's where gaslighting by either the narcissist or the codependent comes from: thinking "there can be only one," and so both are fighting to be the one who is "right." Can you talk specifically about issues caused by being raised by gaslighters? There is no "prior self" for me to compare my current situation with. And I'm struggling to identify healthier patterns to replace the old, dysfunctional patterns. There's a lot of trial-and-error in dealing with my parents, as I try to figure out how to be healthier in those relationships without ever having seen it modeled well.

Can gaslighting trigger manic/depressive episodes in people with bipolar disorder?

Omg this is so true

You wanna know how to avoid gaslighting, do n’t care yo and make sure you don’t give them anything you might regret!

This makes gaslighting complicated. The fact is it makes u feel crazy

Please record your next videos with a better quality microphone. I really love this video, because you are more fair about gaslighting. Such as your comment that we all do it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just blaming him all the time, like I was perfect, like I'm playing the victim, and when I share a video, and they aren't very balanced or fair about the victim's role in the toxic relationship, it portrays me in a perfect light and them as demons or monsters. I am NOT minimizing narc abuse AT ALL. But I do like to be fair. I wasn't an angel, and I am sure I used manipulation in one form or another, and never thought about it until I watched this video, but maybe I also gas lighted him on occasion. Idk, I will have to think about this. I'm all about introspection these days, and after 21 years of marriage, I KNOW I had some fault in the dysfunction. But I know for sure that IM NOT a narcissist. I couldn't stand seeing him in agony or when he would say he was losing his mind.

i don't think it's particularly healthy to hear people out when their ideas are completely nonsensical or out of this world....and this happens a lot

What about a relationship where we gaslighted each other. Is it possible for two people to do this over and over to each other and be able to fix it. The relationship was extreme and he was a son of an abuser, I was the child of an abuser and we in our relationship abused each other, is there a way to fix that and is it better to work on yourself first if you are a victim and abuser? Should you completely disengage from person?

There is no codependency ….only control exists with a narcissist or cheater ….

Vant hear this...my volumn is turned sky high..damn i didnt want to miss this

The volume is too low. Great vid though.

I was gaslighted and it messed me up in the long run. But the sensual seduction was so good and se used gaslighting as a seduction tool. I think women here are sick because I'm no great looking dude just average. But I was told I have a charm and intelligence about me. So to forgive I changed my mind about my seduces and they change. That Metaphysical thingy.

Volume too low on your end. Good video ty.

This is wonderful