I think from the earliest of age, I was trained to serve and fawn to others. This was just a normal thing for me, and I never once thought it was dysfunctional. I could really relate to the TRY HARDER method of existing, thinking one day the other person would somehow reciprocate care and love to me. Which is like chasing the wind…. I have participated in self abandonment for years. Thank you Ingrid, your podcast and book are truly such a big help to my healing currently.

It's so sad and frustating to figure out that we see these toxic relationships as safe because we've been programmed that way. Safe relationships feel so strange and scary. Thanks for talking about this. 💜

This is my truth , most fawn types are parentified children with reverse abandonment that is confused for codependency because we are used to being the parent so its feel like abandoning our child

Fawning literally nearly killed me. My partner wanted to open a business but essentially dropped the everyday operation of it on me, telling me I was a "failure with a worthless business degree" whenever the business didn't do well. My response: try harder. Even though I was already working 40+ hours a week with a 2-hour commute each day at my 9-5 paying job, I spent every available minute giving to the business (7 days a week and $150k of my 401k) to try to make it a success in order to appease my partner, so he would "see" my value. I did it for over a year, but I kept getting infection after infection; then infections that never went away. Still, I pushed through it because keeping the peace and earning my self worth was my comfort zone. I was not going to fail at the business, because I had never failed at anything if I worked hard enough. One night I just couldn't breath so I went to the ER: I had sever sepsis. I had completely given up on myself and sacrificed myself in my fawning to try to make him see my value and stop emotionally abusing me. That was my wake-up call.

I have fawned my whole life. I have found safety in being exploited, needed, of service to others, in being neglected and abandoned. I felt like I didn’t exist when I was alone. I put up with so much crap in order to have some sort of connection. Even if it was abusive it was better than that empty feeling I had when I was not in service to others. Covid allowed me the opportunity to stop this behavior. I couldn’t be around any of my abusers. It allowed me to stop being exploited long enough to heal a bit. I have had to separate myself from all of my family and “friends” because every relationship was exploitive, toxic and abusive. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’m 52 years old. Now that I’m completely alone, for the first time in my life I can hear my own voice. I’m so weak that I can’t have anyone else around me for long before I completely fall back into the habit of fawning and abandon myself for their needs. I have to be alone. At least for now. It’s so hard and so lonely. But at least I’m not in an abusive relationship. I’d rather be alone than be with another narcissist. 😢

Wow this hit hard. For 3 years I’ve been “trying harder” with the one I love. Who doesn’t reciprocate. And I’ve been struggling to learn why. Explained this way, helps me stop trying to save them.

I am just now, in mid life, learning to find my voice and stand up for the truth and myself, setting boundaries, and calling out the bull. It is terrifying and feels so dangerous, I ruminate and get angry over the abuse! It doesn't feel good but it certainly feels so much better than the crazy making questioning my intuition and pain and validity of my experiences but still is not fun. I'm coming to accept my response to "unfawning" for the growth that it is but still struggle with not being seen or heard in these situations, still hoping that my family will see the truth...but that's a dream.

Thank you for explaining fawning.♥️ You are the first person I've heard speaking about fawning. Fawning is definitely my response in relationships.

Thank you, Dr. Clayton. I have read and watched a lot of videos about narcissists and narcissism in the past couple of years, but I have never heard of fawning before. Your explanation of it as a way of seeking safety in abusive relationships suddenly opened me to a new (and, for a change, compassionate) way of understanding a lot of my feelings and behaviors. I grew up alone with parents who were both narcissists and alcoholics, and I have been suffering the effects of that my whole life, including many terribly painful abusive relationships with narcissistic women. I am still suffering every day from the latest one. I first heard of you from a video by Dr. Ramani about childhood trauma, and I am so glad I did. I am feeling a little better and self-loving after watching this video. Thank you so much.

I found this to be the most well-articulated explanation of what I have been doing in context of my interactions with others as I didn’t recognize that this was how I learned to survive my childhood and my abusive marriage. I have struggled with concept of codependency and not relating to it as well. We are also socially conditioned within toxic culture as well. I definitely know what you are talking about in terms of how I feel like my body and mind are healing as I change my behavior patterns and recognize when I am using fawn response so I can change my behaviors and take much better care of myself without feeling that sense of guilt and shame for doing so that I had learned as a child. Thank you so much for all you do. Looking forward to reading your book! ❤️🤗🙏

Yeah my survival was totally dependent upon two parents who were scary. I fawned. I can now find safe people ❤️ I have stepped away from my mother because she’s still unsafe for me emotionally. My father knows what he’s done and shows changed behaviour.

Wow! This really speaks to me! I still struggle, at 57, in my recovery, to not feel like I have to go back as a child and fix my parents. They are dead. It should be over. But instead, I’ve made God them in my mind and now I have to appease God by trying to fix the past. It’s an incredibly big fawning response. I’m beginning to see that now. I just am not at the point where I know how to fix it in myself. I am in therapy. I know part of this is a trauma bond, and finding was my way of keeping myself safe. It was the only Excepted behavior growing up. I think it made me more susceptible to the sexual abuse I had. I did everything I could to keep everyone around me happy, and it never occurred to me that as a child they should have been the ones keeping me safe, instead of my having to keep myself safe from them. As I am writing this my vision is becoming clearer. Thank you.

It’s soooo hard, almost impossible, to not fawn with men. It makes me feel so bad about myself and I distrust making choices in relationships so I just stay single

Oh my gosh this to describes me to a T. I'm just finding all this information and I'm a bit overwhelmed but excited. Even though I've been very self-reflective my whole life I just realized that the majority of my main romantic relationships have been completely dysfunctional. Most of them were narcissists. Whoa! This is big. I'm on the journey! Thank you so much for what you do.

Just read your book. It spoke so deeply to my experience. I just became a therapist after a career change. This video also resonates with my personal experience and has me thinking I need to judge myself less and love myself more.

This change is so hard! Going against “my gut” response continues to be the toughest battle. Just when I think I can’t get through it, and I have not a doubt in how much of a “failure I am”, I realize I am getting closer to the tip of this hurdle. Because I don’t give up, I keep asking for help, and I keep helping myself.

I love how empowering it is that shifting our inner narrative about ourselves can transform our susceptibility to to these abusive, painful situations. It's a hard process to rebuild our natural responses to people and circumstances, but so worthwhile - especially when we have a good support system!

Best explanation of co-dependency: "I am not going to be OK, because you are not OK." My MO for 70+ years, but I am oh so tired of it. Learning how to love myself and discovering my "usefulness" to my narcissistic husband who has been consistently telling me how I "don't contribute." 😢Really? So how did I ended up hosting your special needs sibling for 42 years for holidays and for convenience of your mother on other occasions? How did I ended up to be privileged to stay with your mother in times of her death? On and on...I am looking at myself, with some difficulty, because it hurts to see my complete submission for my survival (as an immigrant I did not have other option). I see now, I am a good person, loyal and honest...and yes it was not healthy for me to abandon myself, but still some people benefited from it greatly... Thank you so much, Dr. Clayton. This video helps me forgive myself for adapting fawning as a way to keep myself safe. Safe from my mother and her predator, brother. Still struggling finding safety in my marriage with the covert, occasionally malignant, narcissist. 🙏❤

Wow.... This is so much me. I was always questionable about if I fawn.. The way you described it, was like as if you were talking about me. For example. I am immunocompromised, high risk of covid, even a cold or flu could land me in the hospital or death. My in-laws family, MIL in particular, have had a hard time with my boundaries. Thanksgiving comes along, and knowing most of the family is not up-to-date on their covid boosters, been in contact recently with covid, or just got over covid two days before Thanksgiving, plus MIL has lied about covid vaccine status, and being sick has generally been described as "just allergies" for decades with the in-laws, I knew it would not be wise for me to go. My husband and 22 year old son also decided not to go, because they didn't want to take the risk. I did try to host a hot Coco bar outside for in-laws who are not sick or have a cold, doesn't matter if they are vaccinated, or not up-to-date on their flu or covid booster cause it would be outside (which I feel is safe for me, concerning my health), but it was shot down, no one seemed interested, just MIL complained, and the other in-laws said they love me and not to have a "party"(?).... How a hot Coco bar with the family turned into a "party", I have no clue..... (BTW, we live in California. We have a fire pit, and a covered back porch with lights. My husband and I planned on having hot cocoa set up outside. Tables, ect). Then they talked crap about me during their Thanksgiving dinner. Saying they "don't understand" my boundaries and health (even though they have said they understand), and upset that I wouldn't "allow" my son or husband to attend their Thanksgiving..... Here I was, scrabbling around, trying to include family, and was shot down, gossiped about, and they haven't lifted a finger to try to include me since covid began.... Made me realize, I waisted this energy on the 🐹🎡 🤦‍♀️ I got off. Decided not to repeat that trait during Christmas, not ever. Getting off the 🐹🎡 PS, since my husband and I already got all the fixings to make specialty hot coco with flavored syrups, sprinkles, whip cream.... I decided to have a hot Coco bar for my birthday next week! Woot Woot!!!! 💖🤗

My God Ingrid....this is so powerful.

Thank you Ingrid. 🙏🏼 I just heard you speak at Friendly Circle and was struck by your compassion and knowledge. I started noticing my fawning just in the past few years and as I noticed it I could feel that it was so unhealthy. It’s such a reflex. A councillor recommended Jon Kabat-Zinn so I’m reading Full Catastrophe Living and feel like a veil of unrealistic expectations has been lifted. Hard things don’t happen to me because I’m lazy, selfish and good for nothing. (My father told me that’s why he drank.) It’s life. We are all in this together and there is no shame in what we’ve experienced. 🙏🏼❤️🕊

Beautifully and insightfully described.

Dreamt & lived it until my only child passed. Grief awoke me eventually.

thank you🦌👌🏼💜

Thank you so much for the information. Prioritizing myself over others feels scary and unsafe. But prioritizing others were not actually giving me safety, I was just hoping.

This was helpful. I always thought that fawning was just my personality flaw

Yes I agree with others about the clarity of your explanation possibly because it has been an inside job for you so you know the territory. I loved the use of the word reverence to describe trauma responses because I also feel some awe about how as very young children we adapted to a toxic and dangerous environment. I have been finding Nicholas Wilton's videos about art2life a useful pathway to discover what is a true "yes" in the body for particular colours/shapes etc in art but it is a system that opens the communication system with my own body again. One of the biggest learnings from that is about my need for physical and emotional space which is related to boundaries. Before now the trauma responses focussed me on connection with others before everything and a shutting down of my need for solitude or space. For the first time I recognise when I have had enough and I make the boundary to give myself the solitude I need. I just couldn't hear or feel it before because the childhood terror was so strong. It also has translated to being easier when others need space too instead of panic rising up. And for me this is one of the most hopeful signs of my ability to engage in a healthy way in intimacy now. I also see that conditions in my life have conspired to give me space even though I didn't want it at the time, to face myself...another reason for reverence for life.

Thank you for sharing your work with us. Your teachings resonate with me deeply and I’m grateful I found your channel☮️💟

Wow. Me to a tee! Thank you for explaining this so clearly and simply, and helping to see it is ok to put me first. I will definitely be watching this again and again.

My gosh, may God bless and protect you. I SOOOOO wanted to hear this. This is my very first time hearing this word and it describe me completely. I learned a lot..THANK YOU ❤

super, thank you, because I am beginning to understand

Thank you.

Thank you

Love this Video Ingrid. this has spoken most to me of all your Videos in all the ones you did. So happy to find words for all of this! I have ended my Marrige with two children 3 years ago. And still went straight into the next relationship just because that's where I feel best. But everything is crumbling down and have finally manged to end another relationship but feels so scary to choose myself. Like an infant that has to grow up and be my own parent. But im so glad im finally where I am at. What a gift to be able to learn to be myself.

So blessed to have found you. Through Dr Ramani I’ve learned so much. You have helped immensely. I’ve never heard of CPTSD. I have your book. Going to read it. You’ve connected many dots. Thank you & im sorry you went thru what you did but Thank you for putting it all together to heal yourself and so many others including myself ❤️

Thank you. 😊 That’s why coming out of this is like living on a mobius strip. It’s impossible to do.

Thank you!

Thank you🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💗🤲

Thank you Dr. Ingrid...I have your book and I'm finding all your social media information about fawning..I'm doing the work to undo all the untruths the narcissistic personalities 'taught' me about myself. I appreciate you.😊

@3:05 It is taking the easy way out to avoid stress - potential harm, right?

Hi Ingrid - went to your homepage. There are no clickable links there?!