Why Can't You Breakup with the Narcissist?

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Why Can't You Breakup with the Narcissist?

Рет қаралды 24,443

Күн бұрын

You stay with the narcissist not because you are moral, conscientious, kind, empathic, caring, loving, accepting, non-judgmental, and supportive.
You stay with him for selfish reasons, because he caters to your needs, some of which are:
You are narcissistic and love to behold yourself idealized through his gaze
You need to be needed
Victimhood makes you feel good, you like to be a victim (self-destructive and self-harming, masochistic, or entitled)
Virtue signalling
You control the narcissist from the bottom with your feigned helplessness, clinging neediness, and emotional blackmail
You are a gold digger
You can have other men
You feel superior to him (pity him)
You feel safe with him: even the abuse is predictable and he is always confident and authoritative
He is a parental figure
You have no other preferrable alternative
The codependent believes that her neediness and helplessness guarantee her partner’s presence in her life and interest in her wellbeing.
There are 2 ways to keep the narcissist tethered to you and addicted to the shared fantasy:
1. Tell him how great and unique he is; or
2. Tell him how needed and indispensable he is.
The narcissist fears your personal autonomy and agency and disdains your dependency and emotionality.
There is no winning strategy with the narcissist.
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Пікірлер: 75

@TheRabbitBunny 8 ай бұрын

*The narcissist has a relationship, not with who you are, but with what you can give him/her*

@vela-rn2jz 8 ай бұрын

Vaknin always calls me out. When I need to be slapped back into reality.. I can always count on this man’s knowledge.

@johntracey4196 8 ай бұрын

we fell in love with our selves

@GoogleUser-kl7qu 8 ай бұрын

Our fake selves. Fake because we fall in love with ourselves through HIS delusional perception of us.

@katerinadiamanti8941 8 ай бұрын

Grande Sam Vaknin.

@justinekelly7137 7 ай бұрын

Yes we did fall in love with our idealised self, yet isn’t strange how we don’t really like ourselves when we are devalued and discarded 🤷🏼‍♀️

@SeymourCox335 Ай бұрын

For the first time in my life I absolutely loved myself and felt so confident and attractive during the love bomb stage. Someone noticing me and convincing me that I'm actually this amazing person I always hoped to be. When you find out it was all just lies, you fall flat on your face and all your insecurities and doubts about yourself seep back in.

@CheezhOfficial 7 ай бұрын

I am on the austism spectrum and have been with a covert narcissist for 10 years. After the first year she changed on me and I never got the intimacy back she once gave me. It confused me but it was my first relationship so I had no idea what was going on and I was madly in love. I kept spending time with her tried to leave but somehow she kept me from leaving everytime even without getting my personal needs met. The abuse started there and got worse overtime really spotting it after the 7th year. I noticed her dysfunction and saw she was self destructive with suicidal tendencies and became a parental figure for her the last 3 years which she needed at the time. In return I felt needed. Even after all this effort the relationship stranded as I noticed she was putting on a façade of a fragile person to manipulate and use my empathy against me and I had been lured into a trap from day one. There was always going to be some crisis on her end or something that needed fixing. I developed CPTSD and later fell into a psychosis. This is when I finally had the courage to say goodbye.

@lealina5030 8 ай бұрын

One reason for staying in that kind of relationship is all the brain wash one has been showered with at church, often for the entire childhood: marriage is for life, through better or worse and you must be able to forgive. For centuries women were financially depending on men and men learned they can get away with murder, with the help of this narrative of forgiveness being the ultimate virtue. @samvaknin, your videos are the only once worth watching on the topic of narcissistic abuse, in my opinion. Shedding light on the role and participation of the partner in the shared fantasy is essential. Thank you.

@meriemmimi104 8 ай бұрын

Yes even in islam we should forgive and be good to the poeple who hurt us although in the same time protecting one self from harm is a must but the society made brainwashed women to just forgive and stay

@anitabeck1833 8 ай бұрын

I layed plenty of golden eggs during my life as you said 😂😂😂... but I never felt as a victim, knowing that I had been a perfect puzzle piece with narcissists. But now, I love myself and healed my childhood with a manipulating mum, and am not anymore concentrated to fill with love and self-esteem the others to heal and safe them😅, etc . ...and destroying myself. I am not anymore "needed", but can just be in normal and loving relationships. Such a relief !... and such happy and in peace now ❤

@debbyjoy3 6 ай бұрын

OUCH !!!! Entraining...I wanted to be needed, wanted to rescue his inner child...my saviour after victimizing me...the pattern became predictable....and then after 28 years..I resigned myself to no other alternative. This is just nuts......and there was no good outcome no matter when I did. just ouch !

@juiceknot 8 ай бұрын

Nope. Don’t wanna go through that hell🔥🔥again. No thank you. The emotional outburst, the screaming, the pathological lies, the cheating with other men 🤮thievery, nope. I’m good. Lesson learned. Never living with someone, again. My own space, like before.

@johntracey4196 8 ай бұрын

juiceknot ditto it was one hell of a rollercoaster ride for sure

@angelmacas1774 8 ай бұрын

Yes yes this was the worse relationship ever. Needed to get out or I thought I was literally going to die. Everything you mention in your comment happened to me as well.

@queenofpeaceandlove1413 8 ай бұрын

So true. I went through it.

@justjamie7577 8 ай бұрын

I've been asking myself why I'm a narcissist magnet. You've hit the nail right on the head. I've realized that I'm too weak to say "no" and too insecure end the relationship. I practically volunteer to be taken advantage of.

@NatachaPastore 8 ай бұрын

In my case, it was weak boundaries. I noticed that these people used to go from door to door, and I would open it and be kind, so they thought, 'This is where I'll settle.' I considered myself intelligent enough not to be deceived-and that's one of the main characteristics of the self-deceived. Hahaha. The truly smart people were shutting the door in the faces of these idiots

@greys1355 8 ай бұрын

Same😞

@Samanthax1221 8 ай бұрын

The brilliance of your intellect and the depth of your wisdom is truly captivating. ✨🧠

@pjmrees 8 ай бұрын

No, none of those things for me. I left and lost almost everything.

@user-kp8mz7kr3h 4 ай бұрын

I have only two reasons to stay in my marriage of 38 years with a narcissist. Number one is the isolation I find myself in and number two is financial reasons. I can not play his sick game anymore and I have no where to go nor anyone to ask for help.

@greatglidesby3322 8 ай бұрын

Emotional masochism is pretty hard to stop. Good luck out there friends!

@tulinbeyduz920 8 ай бұрын

i had 6.5 year break from dating !

@camillegallagher7828 7 ай бұрын

We're all doomed! 😢😂

@chocho2471 8 ай бұрын

The problem I think is too many narcissists or lots of people with high narcissism! Its impossible to avoid them.

@B-Nia 8 ай бұрын

👍👍

@nynckeschepen2750 5 ай бұрын

Thank you, Lidija: 'you need to be needed' that made me deeply realise one of the hidden reasons of why I am now so heartbroken over the failed relationship with my ex- partner/narcissist. Thank you both for all the information in the books and online. Don't know how I could have kept my sanity without it. 🙏

@user-qn9jp3gd1y 8 ай бұрын

Again Professor Vaknin 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻Thank you.

@nealmessier4675 8 ай бұрын

Tough love Professor. But it all rings true... As true saying goes, it takes two to tango. 😕

@user-qn9jp3gd1y 8 ай бұрын

53 years in... I'm a done deal but an informed one ... Life 😐 Creators all!

@elisa9359 8 ай бұрын

I left 4 th of December....🙏...thanks for all your videos...now I need to understand why I have stayed for 4 years...for a big while i see that it has more to do with my "dark side" ...

@voodoochile4147 8 ай бұрын

Congratulations on your new life. Stay strong 💪🏾

@elisa9359 8 ай бұрын

Thank you... I hope I will 🙏

@user-qp8wj9up5q 8 ай бұрын

I had a friend for 8 years.. I discoverd him very late. But, i am very happy and i have free life.

@madeleine8507 8 ай бұрын

I broke all contact, but this is like the 11th time, so I can't tell you for sure it'll last. Every word in this video rings true. My eyes are wide open. It's been a year, but it's still hard, because it IS an addiction. So annoying, lol

@amgod40 8 ай бұрын

Ouch. Truth hurts as they say!

@chrislibu6631 8 ай бұрын

Your deep, honest and alive analytics are the marriage of deep wisdom and deep knowledge. Thank you, Mr. Vaknin with greetings from Berlin.

@sunrayrosin7181 7 ай бұрын

Thanks again for your work and for making it public. Also, thanks for having honest credentials.

@chriszador1 5 ай бұрын

Oh he’s so on point! It’s so generous of him to share it on the off chance people can hear and not put it through their own filters

@joseenoel8093 8 ай бұрын

Cuz he pays for everything and unwillingly at that!

@jamielogan9534 8 ай бұрын

This is brilliant, thank you!

@Ravenafeedsravens 5 ай бұрын

As a Cultural Studies person may I add that certain (family) cultures teach women from very early age that, for example, jealousy is an expression of love, i.e. a jealous man is a loving man, a man who really cares. Be@ts means loves, say some elder folks in the post-Soviet countries, etc., etc.

@ericawolfe7055 8 ай бұрын

Facts.... Anybody who disagrees with this video you're lying to yourself.

@tinepotocnik777 8 ай бұрын

Brother this is mind opening😮 and bending

@queenofpeaceandlove1413 8 ай бұрын

Thank you Professor Vaknin.

@camillegallagher7828 7 ай бұрын

So the obvious jerk in the relationship is the overt narcissist and the quiet victim is the covert narcissist. Not all overt narcs are rich and famous. Open relationships are gross, imo. Shared children and finances are a huge part of it too. Crap. What a mess. How the hell does one ever become healthy then? Wait 'til kids grow up and move away but then you've already invested 20+ years..

@adriennasztalos3913 4 ай бұрын

Soo true! Thanks again!

@SasSas-fv9xx 7 ай бұрын

The only thing you can do is to leave the narsisist! To heal from the pain and trauma's!! i am not a narsisist that's for sure i know myself. Not selfisch and no golddigger that's what they are! They keep you stuck ! And you have to servive iff your still in this web of them, too keep yourself save!

@Eukalyptus2 4 күн бұрын

So many hard things, so many obstacles... 😢How can one leave the narcissist behind? I'd like to explain him so many things. Every time I try to go away after no contact, he starts sending messages. Until recently, I 've been too addicted, too whatever and returned twice. Even more abuse, more bad treatment. I really want to walk away, since it's wracking me. I only *discovered * Prof. Vaknin' s channel a few days ago, I'm watching videos to learn more. To succeed. But I have one question : How can one live, go on living, with the conviction that you weren't loved, maybe even liked by the narcissist? You just happened to be there, he also, looking out for supply or sex, safety and/or service. I loved him, did everything for him. For 6 years. I find this really is the the question that is hard for me to deal with.

@LHanna-gn3qw 8 ай бұрын

Male narcissist: "She finds me incredibly attractive!" Me: "Oh no, here we go again ..." Narcissist: "She is probably shy. My overwhelming masculinity has scared her away ..." Me: "He is really starting to bug me. And he doesn't seem to understand anything ..." Narcissist: "What's going on here?! I guess, I really have to turn up the heat ...!!" Me: "Oh my gosh, what a pain in the ***! I think, I have to take more drastic actions ..." (...) 😉

@manojpathak-ql5op 7 ай бұрын

Amazing

@gretchenplombon4230 8 ай бұрын

Staying with my ex husband was all me and all my fault. I know and remember telling myself this is okay.... you know why i stayed? Because i had reasons everyone understood to justify not needing to let down my guard and avoid intimacy. We were both fine with that and it was comfortable. I also had to much sunken into the relationship.

@anka1833 8 ай бұрын

Thanks 🔥🔥🔥

@blueberrygtag 5 ай бұрын

I find them very interesting! They fulfill all I wan't! I guess I'am not normal!

@kofokofo 8 ай бұрын

My narcissistic ex has a new partner now and common friends asked me to get him away from this girl after they knew what happened and after seeing how much he has changed after meeting her. I said I talk to him in case he reaches out to me otherwise I look like the jelous ex. Do you think he would even listen. When i was with my ex I knew she is toxic and I was warned by others. But I would still stay with her and hope that it will get better at some point.

@TowgPowerPlay 8 ай бұрын

Is it true that narcissists have trouble understanding sarcasm, much like those with autism?

@samvaknin 8 ай бұрын

No. It is nonsense.

@dubravkakrickic7303 8 ай бұрын

Does a narcissist have the same shared fantasy with each new "victim", or does the shared fantasy change?

@samvaknin 8 ай бұрын

Change. Adapted to the partner.

@Samanthax1221 8 ай бұрын

@@samvaknin Sam Could the resolution to narcissistic behavior involve implementing negative reinforcements, such as consequences for toxic behavior? Simultaneously, crucially communicating clearly to the narcissist that the punishments are directed at their behavior, not at them personally, to avoid damaging their self-esteem. For instance, if temporarily distancing oneself from the narcissist is chosen as a consequence, explicitly stating that this separation is a result of their behavior causing emotional distress to the individual, and this brief period of separation (withholding of supply) is a response to that. Is narcissism caused when a child or adult consistently receives positive reinforcement or rewards for toxic behavior, making them more inclined to continue such behavior. If a child is not taught appropriate boundaries or consequences for their actions, they may not learn to regulate their behavior in socially acceptable ways. If a child is not disciplined for harmful or toxic behavior, they might not develop a sense of empathy or an understanding of the impact of their actions on others. Lack of discipline and consistent boundaries thus contributing to the development of narcissistic traits, as the individual may not learn to consider the needs and feelings of others.

@babyqueenxo 8 ай бұрын

@@Samanthax1221 You're right, positive reinforcement to negative behavior is a major cause. But too much negative reinforcement (abuse) can lead to developing worse disorders like ASPD. The cases you mentioned are justified cases for negative reinforcement but please be careful not to overdo it.

@Samanthax1221 8 ай бұрын

@@babyqueenxonightqueen thankyou for your advice very helpful and appreciated:) have a wonderful day!

@babyqueenxo 8 ай бұрын

@@Samanthax1221 My pleasure ☺It's good night for me x Take care

@TheCelestialhealer 8 ай бұрын

Brilliant⭐️⭐️thank you🙏

@spritedaway13 8 ай бұрын

What happens if we dissappear from socials and everywhere? How narcissist react this?

@samvaknin 8 ай бұрын

Search the channel for "first".

@Samanthax1221 8 ай бұрын

Could the resolution to narcissistic behavior involve implementing negative reinforcements, such as consequences for toxic behavior? Simultaneously, crucially communicating clearly to the narcissist that the punishments are directed at their behavior, not at them personally, to avoid damaging their self-esteem. For instance, if temporarily distancing oneself from the narcissist is chosen as a consequence, explicitly stating that this separation is a result of their behavior causing emotional distress to the individual, and this brief period of separation (withholding of supply) is a response to that. Is narcissism caused when a child or adult consistently receives positive reinforcement or rewards for toxic behavior, making them more inclined to continue such behavior. If a child is not taught appropriate boundaries or consequences for their actions, they may not learn to regulate their behavior in socially acceptable ways. If a child is not disciplined for harmful or toxic behavior, they might not develop a sense of empathy or an understanding of the impact of their actions on others. Lack of discipline and consistent boundaries thus contributing to the development of narcissistic traits, as the individual may not learn to consider the needs and feelings of others.

@samvaknin 8 ай бұрын

Search the channel and its playlists.

@sharonwentz3244 8 ай бұрын

Dr. V what are your thoughts on my ex text to me quoting Newtons 3rd law of physics in terms of him knowing “why” he made the decision to break our 7 yr relationship. In my eyes- that law is about motion. Not emotions. What is he thinking? I laughed reading it and am now fully blocked to protect my mental well being as I continue my journey forward.

@Ljubica-de3bz 3 ай бұрын

Professor, can this victimhood narcissistic mentality be applied to nations and nationalities? For example, here in Croatia we have a city Vukovar which has a special victim treatment as a city that has suffered worst in war..Having been declared a city of special piety and reverence, I think Vukovar only serves our politicians to use it for their benefit, power and control over us...

@samvaknin 3 ай бұрын

Search the channel for "collective".

@Ljubica-de3bz 3 ай бұрын

@@samvaknin Thank you so much professor for all you do, you truly saved my life and helped me escape narcissistic abuse!