Stone walling is a very selfish act. Ego, unrepentant hearts and pride are the reasons why the betrayer shuts down and refuses to allow the betrayed spouse to communicate. It's very narcistic selfish and. Insensitive and the reason why they had an affair in the first place. Stone walling has to be viewed as yet another act of violence and betrayal against the already betrayed spouse.

Withdrawal sounds a lot like they just don’t want to face the consequences of their destructive choices. They don’t really want to see themselves for what they’ve become. My unfaithful husband use to shut down & withdraw until he found a new tactic, agreeing to everything. It’s harder to see if he’s “owning it” or just agreeing to everything so I’ll stop bringing it up. I think he’s hoping that if he placates me, I’ll feel “heard” & think he’s “getting it” & healing & I’ll stop asking questions, stop bringing it up & get over it. Now, I’m just feeling patronized & cut short. I’m not hearing any questions or clarifications, answers or reassurances & that’s why I’m thinking it’s another tactic. No real remorse, no tears, no real repulsion of his actions & no astonishment of his own behavior & no plans for how he’s going to make amends or try to grow into a better human being. No real effort to reconnect with me. It’s been 27 months since D-day & there’s no forward movement. I’m getting really discouraged.

I feel that whenever I want to talk, my husband shuts me down or shuts me out. In my mind, I just want for him to be remorseful and empathetic of my feelings. It's still very fresh and raw and at this time, he doesn't have it in him to give me what I need. It's gonna take time!

You said "there's never an excuse for physical violence." There is also never an excuse for emotional or verbal violence. None of these are any less damaging than the others.

I have experienced the entire smorgasbord.. Spilling his guts with too much detail.. All the way to "I've already answered this and you're ruining our good vibe right now by asking more questions.. I think they're afraid of slipping out facts we don't know that they avoided in first disclosure.. So shut down. Refusing to talk when we need to talk just proves that they are still in their selfish world. I often feel that when he stonewalls me.. He's wishing he had his affair tart back because life's hard in that moment. Ive stayed after multiple affairs.. But I wish I didn't because when the stonewalling happens you feel like you're going to go through it all again. If you want us to be okay.. Then spill everything out and don't skip reality. And shut up and sit present to put up with our anger and heartbreak. Cowardly act to not face the hurt you caused. We have stayed and tolerated the pain you dished out... So you should as well.

I listened to the video. However, I feel that there seems to be a very troubling underlying way before the affair even happens in the makeup of the unfaithful. Not sure if others will agree but that's the conclusion I am coming to. They don't like conflict and that's how it all starts.

Thank you for all these “whys”, but.. what do we BSes DO about it? I am doing my best to make him feel safe and try never to react angrily to anything. I’m near an ulcer from biting the bullet and keeping my stomach in knots so my unfaithful spouse knows I want to make his work as easy as possible. Yet, still withdrawing. Now what? It has been over a year of just shoving my own feelings down so my spouse doesn’t feel threatened. I need more tools.

If my husband doesn't eventually find a way past those things our marriage is going to continue to die a slow painful death.

This is what is happening to me. We're only two months into discovery, a discovery I made without any disclosure from her. Communication has been totally impossible. When I get upset or even fly into a rage, then she blames me for being violent (I never lay a finger on her) and obnoxious. It's a stone wall. Then she starts to reply positively in that mocking tone that hurts you even more, apparently agreeing to all I say but clearly with no intention to really own the betrayal and make amends. In fact, she thinks she's been justified and draws even more justification for her affair in my being "horrible and repulsive". Truth is our relationship had been flailing, to say the least, for years even before she had her physical affair which I recently discovered was an emotional affair for longer than it's been physical. I was well aware of that we were drifting apart, but stuck to my role of family men and hoped for years things would improve. Now I've discovered I've been duped all along and as a bonus I'm being made feel guilty for the wrecked marriage.

How can a couple heal after infidelity if your husband withdraws?Shouldn’t he be going out of his way to make it better?

I usually don't comment on these videos, but this video speaks volumes to me and my situation! Thank you for this video. It really helps me and my spouse out!

Im glad i found your video Samuel, this video really really help clear my confusion and worry. Now i understand his side and will learn how to communicate with him in the future. Thanks

The ironic part that is even every time you get triggers. My husband is the opposite. He always explains no matter how upset I am at times he still gives me explanation but the crazy party is, you will still never really be satisfied with the answer. It is something that you are going to have to internally make peace with, not externally

So to the point exactly that silence is poison

Shouldn’t it come to a point where both parties should want to do what’s best for the marriage. When these things take place it only bring more hurt and harm. 😡😡😡

Bout damn time this topic was addressed

How can there be healing for both the betrayed and unfaithful if the unfaithful doesn’t believe they were unfaithful. They admit that they did something wrong but don’t believe they were unfaithful.

What to do if your unfaithful spouse thinks of the affair partner during intimacy.

My husband a wonderful man and out of nowhere 16 years later 2 kids 15 and 4, left me for a woman he met in his job it's been almost three years now that they've been living together. I was absolutely shocked disgusted broken hearted and disappointed at what he did to me. He treats me like crap all the time tells me to find myself another man ignores me doesn't care about my feelings my emotions just a stone cold hearted turned individual. But, sometimes he turns around spills his heart says he's sorry he says he loves me that he always thinks about me all the time and gives me his whole paycheck every week but yet continues to treat me like crap and stays with her. I don't get it I really don't get it. Divorce is in process he's doing the papers but it's taking forever I have no idea why. I have cried and yelled from my core. He could care less he seems happy with her he seems like he's in love all my dreams and plans when riding to the garbage. but why does he say he still love me why does he get very angry when he sees me why does he give me all the money that I need???????

Out of the heart abundance, the mouth speaks. Where is,your,accountability? The Selfishness that the,affair rose from is still the problem. You are still blaming get your,innocent spouse. Doesn't help you, doesn't help them. Each one,will carry their own load.

I wonder Why the Infedility spouse wants to lie or try to lie to the spouse that had witnessed the affair or affairs and how do you get them to stop lying about it?

Does the unfaithful ever get better at not doing all the things you mentioned? If so, how?