I've ended it because it's not healthy for me in anyway. I'm now healing for my self

I'm there. Right there. It's sad and heartbreaking to love someone that just can't give the same back to me. I've given my all for 8 years and I'm exhausted. I don't see how we could have a happy future together. These videos explain things but they're not hopeful. Because the expectation is that we, NT will ALWAYS be adapting because he is what he is. Too bad, tough tookies. 😢

​@@albs1448 bless you. I pray your heart is healing just fine.

Adapt ,adapt ,adapt.. I've watched a lot of these videos since yesterday, and your comment is how I feel. I have to find purpose in this, or I'll just die .. I'm being dramatic but kinda not because it has taken a toll on my health and his. It's heartbreaking to think that him not even trying to help himself could kill him.. Statistically, Asperger's males die more often by age 50 yrs... I've had personal traumas and tons of therapy, and I'm thankful that I've learned so much about us both. But him doing that kinda thing.. it's not happening. So the purpose I think about is ... THIS IS MAKING ME TOUGHER.. the world's crazy and life is hard ,so hard. I'm looking at this marriage sometimes, like military training.

@@lilwinged5291 I feel for you. Truly. I find if I take one day at a time, trying not to heap yesterday onto today, nor let anxiety entice me to heap anticipated stress about tomorrow pile onto today, that we do better. Like your military analogy, today is a battle, but not the whole war. Today I can give grace. Today I can be strong. Today I can choose love over autism. Today I can make room for autism. Today I can learn just a little bit more. Today I can look for the good and try laughing instead of seething. Today I can let some things roll off me rather than absorbing them. Just for today I can do this. Plus, I truly believe he won’t have an autistic brain in the next life. I want to stick around so I can meet that guy and get to know him. Maybe I’ll even miss some of the autism. Okay, no… Skip that last part. Stay strong. You’re not alone.

Kacy …exactly the same here! I was convinced spouse had NPD but wasn’t 100% sure - ASD explains all his behavior and it runs in his family and now ours. It can be a gift to them and a curse.

@kacylatham is it bittersweet bc you practically "know" the romance difficulties your teens will encounter? (And in your case... know it all too well.) Or do you think you'll be in a good position to help them with good advice?

being ASD myself, I have to admit most of my people, incl my nearest - they all perceived me to be an narcissists at least once. its very frustrating and hurts, after I myself try to stay 100% sincere in my thinking and my behaviour... @Kacy: I wouldn't imagine how some ASD would get something out of mind games... we're not working like that

Same! My son and now husband! Best of luck. Makes sense that they aren’t narcs!

My situation also. Also found out that 2 years into our 30 yr marriage, my then hub decided that my homesickness after moving was a really a major psychological problem but he didn't tell anyone. After 2 kids he decided they had to be separated from me. So he worked for years to undermine me. A savvy counsellor finally figured it out but too late. He wanted her to fix me! Family kicked me out literally. Kept up with youngest NT for 2 years then she cut me off too. Parental alienation is very painful. Still better than living with him. We had many common interests. I miss the husband I thought I married- and my kids.

I've just really realized this is my husband. Dealt with this for 15 years already 😢

What’s his main symptoms and ones that affect you the most?

@@jamiebilly2945 me too.. you aren’t alone…

How does the NT wife gently get her Asperger husband to acknowledge his autism? If he won’t, then I have virtually no choice. It’s not the life I signed up for. And I can do nothing to get him to empathize with me. How can he stand to live with an argumentative harpy; who is wrong all the time, about everything? This is his image of me. It’s completely wrong, but he thinks it’s correct. I would have left me 20 years ago! I mean, I have the audacity to spend money on things not grocery related! That’s always wrong. 100% of the time. That’s beyond beating my head against a wall!

At least his mom told you. They both never told me anything. It all came together when our first son was diagnosed with ASD & ADHD. And they are so similar.

Yep; to disagree equates to "fighting" not just having an opinion.

You are so welcome

Thanks for sharing!!

I would love to be your friend, I too am at 30 years, but just figured this out about 2 years ago and he is in denial.

Me too please. Holy cow.

Could I join ? ❤

When you say “highly sensitive”, if you mean you’re an HSP, also known as having “sensory processing sensitivity”, that’s actually another form of neurodivergence.

@sadiekimmer3950 Just how I feel. I have ASD.

Yes, on both sides.

Do not let him reel you back in. We separated at 15 yrs, he catfished me back in. I regret it. He masked for a while. Now at 25 yrs it only gotten exponentially worse.

@@TBC122901 I’ve come and gone so many times bc I love him so much. But even when I do everything the way he needs me to, and I willingly do it bc I love him so, he remains cruel and calls it humor. He has major women issues (partly due to the way his mother treated his ASD father and I totally get it), but I am the complete opposite of his Mom. Any wish, want or desire on my part is viewed as a “demand” ‘just like his mom treated his father.’ I think he hates me. No physical or emotional “anything.” He has his own bag of sex toys at his own place and has completely rejected me on every level. I’ve learned to ask for nothing. I am so lonely. He left for work after a weekend visit this past Monday (a job he took in another state where he got his own apt and just left us all), and never even said goodbye to us. We were all up getting ready for school and I think he is loading his car and will come in to say goodbye to us. Nope. Just drove away. It’s Wednesday evening and none of us have heard from him. He shows up every few weekends and acts like he’s coming home from war and deserves a heroes welcome when my children (and I) feel abandoned by him. If we don’t lockstep and watch gory snuff movies (only thing he watch and he gets to lick every show), then he becomes upset bc “he specifically took time off to come home and spend time w us.” :-/ He’ll call whatever we watch “stupid.” I can’t take much more. I pray for death; I pray for the bravery to pull the trigger. I want to die. My only “demands”: 1. Please love me. 2. Please don’t make constant remarks about how emotionally unstable and unreasonable women are in front of our son, w/o hyper fixating on toxic female traits in front of him. I do not act this way and I’m terrified my son, whom I suspect to also be high functioning, to loathe women. I want someone to marry and love my child and not have him treat his wife the way he’s seen his dad treat me. He is beginning to treat me the same way as his Dad does when his dad is home. My son is already terrified women want nothing more than money and control. Every TV show or movie he catches on TV, it’s constant feedback on how stupid females are how they’d “never be able to do those things in real life.” I tried so hard. Those 2 requests are just too much. Even though I’ve long ago set aside what I’d hoped a marriage would look like for me to be to accommodate his issues, there’s never any progress. I feel so unlovable. I’m not a victim, but I do feel stuck in my own mental prison. My own mother rejected me so I understand why I chose this dynamic (emotionally unavailable spouse). My self esteem is destroyed and I don’t wouldn’t even know what to do or how to end the marriage. He has control of all the money in his acct where I have no access. I feel trapped. I love him and respect the fact he has issues and wanted work around them, but not at the expense of poisoning my children and my own mental health. I am a shell of who i used to be. I don’t even know who I am anymore, tbh. I used to be a professional w a prestigious job w the DEA. Top Secret Clearance, am a war vet. Was a bad ass at one point. Now I can barely get out of bed and see anything objectively anymore. I carry it all - every last duty and he makes fun of me in front of the kids bc I sometimes watch cooking shows to relax and detach. He calls me “mindless” for watching “mindless tv.” I’ve given up everything and hoped it would be enough. I’m not a martyr, was so fully okay w readjusting and making due. But the constant insults about my femininity destroy me bc it’s something I can’t change. I’ve fought the urge not to blow my brains out for the last 3 days. Death would be easier at this point and I’ve not counted it out at this point. Sorry to verbal vomit. I have nobody. Thank you for caring enough to respond to me. This is all over the map bc I am in a state of shock. But your comment - thank you. Something so small means so much to me these days. So proud of you for finding the strength to get out.

*gets to “pick” every show

I’m so sorry! I’m in the same situation. Sending you love and hope!

Sadly, I am feeling like this might be the best option for us 😢

We live in separate homes on same property and it’s still not enough space

Lying has been the most difficult issue to deal with. Yes, as you wrote: "...one starts to feel very discombobulated."

@kkhufnagle5735 I don't know which is more painful, the emotional deprivation or the lying, but I'm glad you brought this up. His chronic lying has been consistent for years, even lying about things there's no need to lie about! It's bizarre and has never made sense to me. He will lie about things with hard evidence sitting right in front of him.

⁠@@HeartAliveTodayYou are on point 100%! I just ended my relationship for the final time 2 weeks ago. My ex would exaggerate & lie so much that it was almost funny. Even the look in his eyes gave it away. He was my first love as a teen & go forward 31 yrs & he’s brutal! He was loving, sweet & unique when we were kids. I was so in love with that boy but now I hate the man, I couldn’t stand it anymore & told him off. He did do much emotional damage, I now have to seek out a psychologist.

Yes He tries to twist the situation to be right. Oh you mis heard me I never said we'd actually do anything I said maybe and said I'd call you. Blatant lying and gaslighting. I know what you said. I believe he has pathological Demand Avoidance too. It's infuriating to sit around all night only to basically be stood up and told it was my own damn fault. I know its ASD but that is some Narcissistic behavior in there for sure.

Thank you all for talking about the lying!! I've heard him do it to others. It's bizarre there's no need for it. And he's totally in denial. I've only been in this relationship for 4 mths but been friends for years. I knew he was on the spectrum when I met him years ago. He puts on a great public face but what I have to endure is brutal! 😳 The gaslighting and projection is second to none. If I didn't love him the way I do I'd be done. He's a beautiful man and I try to leave but he just won't let me go. I feel guilty when I want to end it. If he was an asshole I could leave but it's so complex with these guys!! Everyone sharing is helping me from believing I'm crazy. This is crazy making stuff being with an Aspie. 😭

I have found the absence of my husband is usually when I feel most loved.

@@ericabuchanan7260 Same. My anxiety goes through the roof when he is at home or about to get home from work.

Its less about the absence of the person and more of the absence of potential issues that can come up. Its more of a "I may be quieter than normal but I enjoy you and want you around, up until the point you make me deal with something I would rather not. If thats your intention then please go away"

Of course it can still be love. Many ND people need alone time to be better partners and calm their own nervous systems.

I will never forget my ex boyfriend telling me “not everyone is against you” “I’m not a mind reader”. I tend to assume malicious intent when I feel misunderstood. Also I would like to include that when you describe ND people believing social expectations as irrelevant- you are describing a low masking ND person. We highly masked individuals can become obsessed with keeping up with expectations. Its exhausting.

I understand

@@markhutten thank you so much for this. We've been in therapy for years and this video provided so much clarity. Grateful for the bluntness!

​@@jannemclaughlin1039 sounds exactly like Narcissism

@@jowen7866 I have withdrawn from him more, but when I’m with my kids, grandkids and co-workers, I’m a completely different person. He knows people like me because I’m friendly,and it’s what drew him to me, but I’m sad I can’t be that way around him.

My husband is EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. I don't even know who I am anymore...

@@kellyrussell530 Same here.

@@kellyrussell530 Me too

I believe my husband is ASD. I’m frightened to approach the subject as I’m almost 100% sure he’ll dismiss the subject just as I feel he’s done for me and my ADD. Although he does support me financially as is normal in a marriage and he is not judgemental.

@@oscarcat1231 I had suspected for well.over 10 years and had been seeking answers for longer than that. People need to be careful when self identifying people. Too many miss characterizations happen as people see what they want to see, vs what is actually happening. Furthermore the hypervigilance caused by trauma can cause a person to act in awkward ways, and not be autistic at all. Moral of the story is to be very black and white and honest in your observations and interpretations in your relationship and seek qualified expert advice moving forward.

Every AS person is different. my husband is the reverse. When he's stressed or feels (mistakenly) that he's not making me perfectly happy, he avoids me. When he's happy and not stressed, then I get his good side. Most of the time he's apathetic, and trying not to be, and failing. I've learned alot from journaling and coming up with ideas that I try. I've noticed that he responds well to me constantly reminding him that I'm not mad at him, just trying to find out what he needs, and he can help me with that. When he gets upset in 2 minutes AGAIN, and says I have an "attitude" I ask him what my attitude is, he may say I don'tknow, and I say again, I'm not mad at you, I'm just trying to find out what you need, and you can help me. If he says something hurtful like I need you to stop being such a martyr or victim or whatever, I NO LONGER RESPOND TO THAT. I keep repeating that I'm not mad etc and I stay calm. The absolute worst thing about being in this NT/ AS marriage is that he can't remember anything good that I did. ANd even "remembers" things that weren't said or done by me. If worse comes to worse, sometimes I tell him that he doesn't know me because of this. He doesn't know who I am. THen I give him an hour or a day to regroup, he forgets evereything, including what the whole thing was about, and seems to go back to thinking I'm a good person. I think.

I can, and have, cried in front of my mate, and he doesn’t even see me! I’m not simply ignored; I have the unique ability to cease existing! I thought I was pretty dang special, until every one of my friends insisted that they could see me. And I wasn’t a vision, because Kelly actually pinched me! I admit, having my existence validated by a group of people, runs circles around invisibility any day!

I know exactly how you feel. Look up Cassandra Syndrome. I feel so down and depressed being with my husband

It's extremely HARD!

Wonderful!

Yes, it is worth it. My husband and I have been married 30 years, just found out 2 years ago about the autism 2 years ago. I was at my wits ends and my husband didn't know what was wrong with him...Now we know and understand, that's a blessing in itself...So after 30 years, I'm getting to know my husband all over again, for the first time. So, yes, marriage is worth it. Hang in there.

and the secrets...

That sounds like narcissism..

Relationships with these ppl sucks the life out of you and causes suicidal feelings.

Good for you one of the lucky ones

Thanks for sharing

Are you in favor of curing or eliminating autism?

Where were you 20 years ago😂!? Feels great to finally understand🙏🏼

The NT spouse does learn and accept how the ASD person thinks, but they don’t do likewise. They show plenty of emotional reciprocity when dating, so they are capable of it. When it wanes, rather than being willing to return to those behaviors, we are supposed to just be fine without the very things that made us fall in love in the first place. Love needs nourishment. ASD brains are capable of it, obviously. They just exempt themselves from doing it, and blame the NT wife for “inappropriate” needs labeled demands… But like oxygen, food, water, and sex…they’re real needs. Decades of lack of nourishment to love makes love wither and die. Then, we’re told, don’t take it personally. Like if you don’t get air or water or food, don’t take it personally. Love is personal, for god’s sake. We have to do ALL THE CHANGING, ACCEPTING, DOING WITHOUT, AND ADAPTING. Brains are malleable…oh, that’s right…except for ASD ones.

@@ggrace1133 I am sorry that you are going through that. I would agree with your general comments re: needs not being met, and I'm sorry your spouse didn't work with you on that. Logically, an ASD should be able to see that both parties should work on the relationship in order for it to be successful. Another factor though that I've been seeing affect relationships is the Attachment Style theory, and the 3 non-secure attachments (descriptions vary on the internet, I'm just using one subset): Anxious-Avoidant, Anxious, Dismissive-Avoidant. Some of the ASD/non-ASD dynamics that Mark has described are very similar to an Anxious to Dismissive relationship dynamic.

@@ggrace1133 I’m crying reading your comment because I’m living this right now. I feel like I have had to carry the entire marriage. 20 plus years. When we were dating he was totally different once we married he didn’t even try anymore and he expects me to just deal with it. It’s so lonely.

Most women are pretty compassionate and forgiving and just hearing the words “I understand the harm I’ve caused you, I’m so sorry, I want to do better,” will give her so much hope and relief. So tell her!

Hope you’re doing ok

I wish I knew this.. years ago 🥹

He told me Al his exes cheated on him. I felt so bad for him. Don’t get me wrong, please, but now I understand why they did it. They didn’t feel seen and heard. They didn’t know he had autism. I feel for those women. One has a child with him. And i feel for him.

The child has autism 2.. I see it. They don’t know it 😮

Wow! Love the honesty! I wasted 2 months on one 5 months on another but only because I did not understand what was happening, I am able to recognize it now and it will never happen again!

100% true. You’ll think it couldn’t get worse…..until you realize you’ve created an ASD child with him/her. Dealing with a hormonal ASD teen on top of an ASD spouse WILL put you over the edge.

They definitely lie. Almost like a reflex. They lie to save themselves. However, When it comes to others they tell the truth like “that shirt is ugly”. Atleast thats what I observe to be true.

and very secretive....

Exactly it is just a distraction. Just a way to self soothe. And if you can’t even focus on your special interests anymore to self soothe, it’s a downward spiral.

I know! I'm shocked - I've even learned something about myself bc I can see a bit more through the NT lens.

He is Asd not Nt

@@ShazmaThabusom oh thank you I was not aware!

​@@ShazmaThabusomMark is not ASD he's an NT. He's said it many times on here before. I think if he was ASD he would not be able to speak the way he does.

@@MsSeachell67of course he could if he was ASD. It would just mean he has insight and has learned skills and how to communicate. ASD people can acquire these skills, it’s just that they don’t come naturally to them.

It's how it feels for autistic guys to try to talk to allistic people too. They just need an easy target (autistic people) to blame for their own behavioral deficits.

@@user-vs1tc3kj3z that’s an excuse because you want to stay, you’re free to leave if you want.

That’s just an individual’s personal sexual needs. It is not a trait of autism. Though I understand about trying to create a healthy environment for your children to grow up in. Providing a safe environment is one of a parent’s most important priorities!

Welcome!

Welcome!

Emotional reciprocity IS vital in a committed relationship, isn't it😥? For me, an NT, it is why I looked for my last love. To share and grow these feelings. To discover that he, an ND, has such a low capacity to provide the actions and words that I need to thrive in love, is DEVISTATING. I worked w developmentally delayed adults for 17 years, providing care, support, etc. I feel like my relationship is an extension of that, and I am in a burnout situation. He can walk, talk, and act like a mature adult....he wanted a relationship and got one with me. And due to his asd, he has behaved like an unconscious bull in a china shop, with no thought of the consequences of his self-absorbed actions and what they have done to my heart. There is no way to have a natural, mutually nurturing love match unless I give up on what I wanted in love. It is the cruelest, most devastating thing to discover. I feel so tricked. If I only knew back then. I didn't know that I was going to be with an extension of my work with the developmentally delayed. This is too much for me to deal with.

@@melodiemartin438 I hear you. Where are you at in the learning timeline that you're in an ND relationship? It took me months to absorb what Mark was saying. It's all so true what he describes. I had to educate myself on all of this. At the start of this video Mark says that 80% of the time its due to the ASD man feeling anxious and or criticized. I think wives have to look at how does he treat you when he's not feeling anxious or criticized. Some men still won't connect ...but some will. Some men will learn from Mark how to connect. Some will want to learn and some won't. That's what I'm learning here. I agree with Mark, when someone feels criticized, you won't get much except their defensiveness or maybe a shut down or ASD meltdown. Which Mark has great videos on.

This is exactly how I feel. Is this it for me? Except my husband is not interested in a diagnosis (nor does he believe he’s Level 1 Autistic). We have 13, nearly 14 children together (we’ve been married 25 years). Most of our children are neurodiverse (all undiagnosed). I’m the only one diagnosed (ADD at age 7 back in the mid eighties). So even if I showed my husband these videos, he would tell me how it’s not him and I just don’t understand (incidentally a psychiatrist once reported to my childhood GP, “thank you for referring this most insightful child”). I have felt at times like I’m not married. He seems enmeshed with his mum and ASD sister (who has never said a kind word to me). Life is such a struggle and his family blame me for everything.

I've learned that I had to empower myself more. And have support from friends. Get out my comfort zone! Most importantly, more time in the word. Not sure if you are a Christian but I can't tell you enough that my faith and time in prayer and drawing near to God where I learned how to respond to my husband. Discipline, Humility and learning so much by getting out my comfort zone.

I am 57, and have begun to grieve instead of be angry. My anger was because I’m hurt over and over again by the tone of voice, interrupting me, over talking me, “correcting” me, huffing when I ask for a need to be met, requiring justification that makes sense to him when I want something like a gym membership or regular hair appointments, replacing old things in the house, not taking care of things we own, always scratching denting or ruining them some how. I used to feel pretty, sexual, smart, witty, capable, and within a year of being married, those things began to quickly be challenged as I interpreted his reactions or lack there of to me as something wrong with me. I was committed to traditional roles and ended up doing everything to take care of every aspect our lives with the exception of finances. We started out “working together” but it became impossible to work with him. He would leave out large pieces of information at the table when we made plans and budgets, then say oh I forgot this… or you don’t understand how being paid every two weeks vs on the 15th and 30th works. I would grocery shop with a legal pad and write down prices and take a box of cereal in and out of my cart several times, or butter, etc. until one day I decided we aren’t going to plummet into the financial abyss over cereal. My stress level and anxiety were so high!!!! All I wanted was to be a pleasing wife and life partner and I was treated at every turn like I was an enemy, a threat. I have a masters degree. I think I do understand most things except for him. So now I grieve. Anger is useless. Hurt is pointless. I have fallen right in front of him and he keeps walking, I have been crying red faced on the sofa and he doesn’t notice. 26 years of marriage I decided he likes being an island and I will stop paddling out to greet him there. I retreated and there has been not one response from him, not question of why. All that energy and he doesn’t even notice I’ve left. There is no feeling precious to a person with ASD. And being married to one means I’ll never experience being precious to anyone. I am starting a new path of being whole, not relying on him for anything. I am looking for a job that a 30 year full time mother has skills for, which is hard. The world doesn’t think I’m useful either. But I will find work and I will make decisions that respect that I’m married, however will not require his understanding. I make thoughtful strategic decisions and if he doesn’t think so that is his stress to deal with. I have come to this place after 35 years. I am finished wanting something from him he cannot see understand fathom or feel. I will take care of him and will be a nice roommate, but I will never allow a developmental delay or disorder ever determine my worth or strengths ever again. I know what he’s got in a wife and partner, even though he doesn’t. Wish me well in finding a job that is purposeful, and peace with living this next chapter connecting in life with my dear friends and the new ones that are to come. I will be free and he won’t even know the difference. And I think that’s a win for us both.

I'm 34, been married 14 years, and have FIVE children with him. Swore he was a narcissist, but considering all 5 of our children are on the spectrum, I now realize he is ASD. I am now taking medication to cope and push down my feelings, but I feel them breaking thru the current dosage. I don't want to be a medicated zombie just to deal with my life. Send help..

@@hayleyferguson528414 kids??? Foster kids? Adopted? Sets of twins???

Glad you like them!

Mind blindness is meant to keep him away from serious relationships...( I have mind blindness).😢 He is not perfect for you. The more that he is single, the more chance he will develop some insight into human relations, his feelings, his motivations, as well as those of his dog's. Feelings and motivations are non-verbally.... 😢 So, I suggest he get two compatible young dogs or puppies to live with him because dogs are extremely non-verbal but high in expression. If he learns this nonverbal communication from the dogs, then he can move on to becoming a volunteer at the local dog pound....this does wonders for learning to read animal faces, body language and vocalizations...then there is a chance for him, some hope that he can transfer this knowledge to humans 👍

Thank but not Gonna happen, he works 50 plus hour a week.

So he is not perfect for you. Leave now you still can

@@ADORABEL25 thanks, you are right. Yesterday hè said a thing that helps me to detach. He said he was going to be egotistical and with that he cut of the phonecall. That he said he was going to be egotistic, made a coin drop in my mind. Could just be the thing I needed to understand.

I said the same thing!

So many women are misdiagnosed with BPD + or Bipolar when it's autism (although they can be comorbid). When I was finally diagnosed autistic quite a few diagnoses magically disappeared 😅

I feel you.. We had a similar story in our family. My mom got seriously ill and didn't let my AS father go. She cooked for him and brought food to his house every weekend for 24 years, worked hard in his garden and was helping to renovate his house, with her own hands. He has never done anything similar for her. He kept hurting her troughout the years and didn't stop even when she was the most vulnerable due to her illness. He acted like a selfish robot, talking about stupid things, showing no empathy, not even trying to show some care.. He visited her 2x during 6 months she was fighting for her life. I did my best and I was there for her, nonstop. I wanted to show her she didn't need him. I'm sorry she didn't manage to get rid of him like 30y ago. He shows all the signs of autism plus is also an abusive alcoholic. We came through hell with him. What an irony, I'm dealing with an autistic boyfriend past few years. Long distance, short distance, bad communication, missuderstandings, me always adjusting myself, my needs not met so I compromised, now he has completely changed into a cold robot.. I know I cannot repeat the mistake mom made, I can't keep this going for too long, because it's bad for me. Breaking up really hurts, I love him, but... I understand to every woman, it is really painful to let them go, because we believed in that relationship once..and it feels they betrayed us at some point. But I think in a fact it is us betraying ourselves, our self love for long periods of time and not seing that, because we have some sort of a childhood trauma.

My love to you😢

So nice of you

This was me except this was me in my marriage after the birth of my second child. This was a huge life transition for me (suspected ASD). Life changes and transitions are often a huge challenge. I was the one withholding intimacy and connection which ultimately led to him divorcing me. Now I have insight that I have issues with transitions and am learning coping skills. Maybe your husband needs someone to help him cope with the life changes.

My story as well. As life becomes complex and involves more people, social and emotional skills become more important. The ASD person tend to disconnect and shut down - and worse, blame the NT spouse. Because of mind blindness, only one point of view is accepted and no resolution is possible. Immensely painful and sad.

You don't have his "buy-in" on paraphrasing... we talked about that in group!

You are so welcome

Oh no, that's really scary!

1it could be autism, narcissism or psychopathy...all are marked with lack of empathy. 2. Not sure you should rule out poisoning...

I've experienced the same strange phenomena. On two separate occasions when I thought I was experiencing a heart attack and needed to go to the ER, he was willing to go along but insisted that I drive. It turns out my physical heart is fine but I am suffering from a broken heart. Death would be a sweet mercy.

I think they feel the hormones in their body that’s it.

@@ADORABEL25 that could be the answer. He says he felt connected for a moment, hè said he noticed something like a jalouse feeling for a second.. Its only s moment hè feels something.

Lack of Empathy. Masking. Blaming Sounds a lot like Narcissism.

@@aries4901 yup, ..if it walks like a chicken etc

Thanks for sharing!!

Sorry to hear this Chelsea. I’m in a similar position to to you. My ex of just over 3yrs ended things with me 3.5mths ago. I can honestly say that I am finally starting to see that actually, my needs weren’t being met by him and it was a very one sided relationship I.e. me putting in all the work. I thought I was losing my mind for a good portion of the relationship, went to therapy etc. I now see that I am worth more and without serious input from therapy he will likely not be a good partner to anyone unless maybe they have ASD too. If one partner of the neurodiverse couple has ASD & one is NT, there has to be understanding and acceptance from both sides. You’re fighting a losing battle if he won’t even acknowledge it. You’ve actually escaped a likely lonely life. Your ex will just be repeating all the same patterns with this new person. I actually almost feel sorry for my ex’s new partner whenever he gets one because she will likely go through the same cycle as me. He might get farther as he’ll be able to mask better through certain situations but it’ll be a lonely life for her having to slot into his life, doing what he wants to do, very little compromise from him. Change your perception of the break up. His inability to acknowledge the ASD & I’m guessing unwillingness to work on things shows how you are different; rather than ‘I put so much effort into them & they didn’t do the same for me’, see it as ‘Their lack of effort shows me that we’re different. This is clearing the way for someone who is more aligned with me’. I’ve included some nuggets below that are helping me heal, maybe they’ll also help you heal: Nothing that is ever meant for you will pass you by. Rejection is redirection. You deserve someone who thinks you’re too important to lose. Your time is your greatest commodity in this life, it is a privilege to sit at your table. To spend time with people in this life is their greatest gift. If someone wants to let you go, let them; your time is precious, never forget your value. Focus on the people who want to be with you. The longer you entertain what’s not for you, the longer you postpone what is. Decide to never settle again for mixed messages, misaligned desires, dysfunctional behaviour, vagueness, coldness, indifference. I really hope you start to feel better soon. Be kind to yourself and have compassion for yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge and awareness you had at the time.

Am so sorry dear, take heart and take each day at a time, it shall be well

Thank god for you! You’ve been saved

40 years married and only now I understand the reason for my husband treating me like a friend and not a lover

Absolute misery is a good way to describe it.

That sounds like abuse. ASP is not excuse

​@@ericabuchanan7260well said, so so so true. i wish i have no emotion to feel pain anymore.

​@@sakuraninja9073i sometimes feel that way. last time he said he will spread rumor that i am a mental sick to abuse if i don't say yes. one day i think i will be litetally mental sick.

You bet

Just my opinion here, but your man sounds more like narcissism than Asperger's. The two are strikingly similar in a lot of ways, but the biggest difference is intent. Your husband sounds like he is intending to be manipulative and hurtful. With ASD the hurtfulness is usually the result of obliviousness to other people feelings and the fact that the world isn't all about them and their comfort 🤷 Either way, I have seen both, and being in a relationship with either is damn near impossible. I'm sorry for your hurts.

re: " she is only perceiving a distance" -- where did I say that?

12:40 to 12:46

@@amberm5626 not exactly... I said she is downloading his behavior in a certain way, but her download is still her truth... she's using the only filter she has to make sense of things. So...... "she is only perceiving a distance" ..... Yes in a sense, but her perception is real to her. He's not technically "creating" distance (although it may appear that way). If he were, he would be proactive with the forethought "How can I push her away and keep here away."

@markhutten Thank you. I understand the distance isn't necessarily intentional, and at the same time her perception is correct because there is an increase in distance. I do understand that both parties need to take care of there own business. Thanks again.

Get out!

I can relate to the lack of social interaction and lack of deep conversation. It is so lonely and feels so unnerving to our nervous system. I cant believe I finally understand exactly why this was happening. I always knew he was on the spectrum but I didn't know just how much it impacted our relationship struggles. Always felt out of synch. Like we were not in flow, not in tune. I was on FM channel and he was on AM channel. Pretty much all the time. When I realized how much the autism was a part of what I felt was lacking in our relationship (and what I know I need to be healthy and feel fulfilled in a partnership), I knew it was time to end it. The truth is, if you leave you will hurt them. But at the same time, you are freeing them up to be loved by someone who does get them and can love them and feel loved by them for who they are. With us, they would have to consistently mask to meet our needs.

What would happen if you asked for deep conversation and explain what it means and even come up with the subject matter, so he doesn't have to feel he will "do it wrong" and tell him you'll start, and he can follow your cue? If he said yes to this, and it went well, you'd have to tell him you need this to happen once per week every Sunday, or something like that. Try it. not all ASD will go along with it though. WHen he says no, stay completely calm and do not talk any more. Give him one hour to think. Then ask again, with a smile. THen wait. By the next day, he will either agree, or he'll just start trying to do it. Do not criticize the way he does it. Just try to lead the conversation in the right direction.

Thank you !!!

It is possible.

How does a clinician wind up with someone like that with so much baggage?

We're human.

Different motives? Same HURT.. bottom line.

I’d love the answer to this!

@@expresshonal I guess your partner struggles to accept affirmations but at the same time hears criticism even when it isn't there?

If they sound empty, cliche, or forced they're probably unnecessary. Make sure they seem like they're given at an appropriate time and not always for the same thing. Depending on past experiences, sometimes unprompted affirmations can be used for manipulation or have a transparently ulterior motive, so I would make sure they're not coming across like that. Especially don't follow them with some type of request!

@@dillchives yes these are the exact kind of affirmations he can't accept. He's getting into it with a therapist. Apparently it's linked to his own negative self talk and low self esteem. I guess that means I just try and be patient? He just started cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm hopeful it will give him more peace

@@kathleenherrmann436 I guess I would say to try to make sure they seem authentic and from the heart, and not as something you appear to feel obligated to do. Between my mother and ex wife, I knew that compliments and affirmations almost always came with strings attached later, so I was never able to trust they were sincere, and it was very difficult to never be able to truly believe the nice things the people close to you were saying. Sincerity from others is something autistic people are definitely not used to experiencing very often, so there's not much opportunity to practice being able to genuinely accept it.

I am so sorry :(

Please seek help for yourself. ASD is never an excuse to abuse someone. It is wrong to abuse another person. Do some research indy trauma bonds and reach out to an abuse hotline. This will never get better and no one is coming to save you. You have to save yourself.

LEAVE do NOT tolerate physical abuse full stop. It could save your life-Violence tends to escalate. Call domestic abuse hotline if you need to. They have resources to help!

It's a trauma bond not love. Please save yourself. It's toxic. Honor yourself ❤

Leave please leave!!!! How are you today ?

Abuse is abuse regardless of the motivation. ASD is neither reason nor excuse for you to put up with it.

It’s time to leave sweetie. Quickly if possible. Go while there is still life in you.

kzfaq.info/sun/PLffT0uiheiA9J5iXZ_NxOy2HfkNbmTqA2

@@markhutten Thanks, will be watching your YT, but I am looking for an option that is not a video if possible for walking. Are you on Apple podcasts without the video?