You Can't Parent Your Parents

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Күн бұрын

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Key Points
00:00 - You Can't Parent Your Parents
00:29 - Parent Vents To Adult Child
00:40 - Adult Child Goes Into Problem Solving Mode
00:55- Parents Vent Without Making Changes
01:13- Adult Child Feels Frustrated & Resentfull
01:34- Core Needs
01:55- Signs You're Stuck In This Cycle

Пікірлер: 396

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Hi Everyone! I'm launching 2 new videos a week! We're going to cover attachment, neurobiology, trauma healing, generational trauma, reparenting, relationship health and SO much more. I would really appreciate if you could subscribe and leave a comment telling me what you'd like to see here. I look forward to growing this community together with you -Dr Nicole

@devinkelly399 8 ай бұрын

More info on how to heal your inner child, please! Love your work

@sck2984 8 ай бұрын

More about cptsd please.

@michaelrogue4513 8 ай бұрын

More information on father/mother wound education 🎉

@leopardchicken 8 ай бұрын

Would love some info/guidance on breaking family patterns in real time while raising kids. I know what NOT to do but now what?

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

My next video is actually on this@@sck2984

@heresyisecstasy 8 ай бұрын

It's important to note this is not just adult children dealing with this. My parentification started by the time I could form complete sentences. Same cycle.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Absolutely! That's a great point. Parentification is something I'll be specifically diving into soon! It's all the same cycle. Thank you for watching.

@willygates 8 ай бұрын

Yup

@heresyisecstasy 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologist love your channel so much, you're doing really important work

@rags997 8 ай бұрын

I just didn’t know this was an actual thing, I always feel like I’m responsible for listening to my parent’s problems, and like I need to worry about their feelings before my own

@rabenfederchen2208 8 ай бұрын

Same here, it was hard to break out. Parentification wasn't the only problem, there was a lot more, my narcissistic mother did.

@SAD-ij8in 8 ай бұрын

Yes, I don't know how many times my emotionally dysregulated mother told me i was "not the mom" and "being controlling" bc I offered advice when she would vent or fume or be out if control. She projected a lot onto me and then became angry when I tried to fix it. I am 48 now. She recently moved to my town to "help" me but what she wanted was my undivided attention and validation and physical help. I bucked up for nearly a year until I finally just exploded on her. That was a year a go. She has been trying her best to convince the rest of my family I am crazy ever since. Thankfully my husband snd kids see me for who I am and see her dissallussionment. As for the extended family, I just don't care any more. It's too exhausting trying to rescue my reputation from her smear campaigns. They can have her.

@melissavalentine9771 8 ай бұрын

Exactly 💯 I feel ya dear, sorta same just a lil different but basically

@uniqueusername69 8 ай бұрын

i'm so sorry to hear this 😔 we are not our parents. wishing you peace and healing 🫂❤️

@gordythecat 3 ай бұрын

She sounds like a narc, go no contact!!!

@bobbimcgee9654 2 ай бұрын

I have never related more to a comment in my life

@freakingcold1385 8 ай бұрын

Commenting from Pakistan I'm in late 20s and this video is highly relatable like each second resonates. In a conservative society where children are expected to live with their aging parents this cycle intensifies as moving away resorts you to open public shaming and guilt trip. Hoping to heal from this

@robtektek 8 ай бұрын

i wish you all the best, this sounds terrible.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I'm so glad you're here and am glad this video is relatable.

@RR-kz4hq 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing your experience. Thinking of you ❤

@nonpareilstoryteller5920 8 ай бұрын

Flee!

@susanaparker 8 ай бұрын

I'm from Europe and I have the same experience. Times have moved on here but my mum hasn't. Guilt tripping me for over 20 years. Did move in with me at some point and it was a disaster. I'm in England now but the guilt tripping is constant. I feel for you. I get it

@gothica3605 8 ай бұрын

My mom didnt have anyone in her life. No friends and family because she pushed them away. I became her "rock" because i was the only one she had left. After her treating me like a caretaker and a therapist for 2 decades, i moved out. She was taking advantage of me being by her side. She wouldnt let me have independence and i was constantly bossed around. I was the one cooking dinner at 13 when i came home from school. I was treated like an adult way before i even hit puberty. She would sit on the recliner and watch tv all day, meanwhike barking orders at me to go clean the house or make dinner. It makes me wish that i went no contanct sooner than i did. I didn't deserve the profanities and verbal abuse i received for not having dinner on the table.

@uniqueusername69 8 ай бұрын

sending hugs and healing 🫂🤍

@ImaneMariaa 8 ай бұрын

My parentification sadly started early, I was a child and from a very young age I felt a parent to my parents, I felt the obligation to protect them from any harm and I was holding myself responsible for everything that happened. I’m 27 years old now and it still goes on, and when I try to set boundaries it doesn’t go well since it’s not something they are used to. It’s exhausting.

@erzascarlet47 8 ай бұрын

You need to leave their house. That's the only way. And go very low contact. Become financially independent.

@lesliewalker8054 8 ай бұрын

Don’t give up on setting the boundaries, they will learn and adjust the more you enforce them! I have been working on it for 8 years, and though still a work in progress, it is so much better now! But it is exhausting at times especially in the beginning stages because it is foreign to everyone. But keep pressing in!

@TofuTeo 7 ай бұрын

I’m sorry ❤ Ignore my advice if it’s not relevant, but when you set boundaries and break it, enforce the consequences consistently. You gotta have consequences along with the boundaries. That’s an important part. Bless you.

@anastasiab9506 8 ай бұрын

My god, that hits home! I've been dealing with my mother and her nonstop health issues for 2 years now. She keeps complaining that she is in pain, I keep taking her to the doctors, getting blood draws, etc, buying medicines- but she won't even do as little as change her diet. And the cycle continues on and on and on. It gives me so much stress and anxiety I have insomnia now.

@stitch01 8 ай бұрын

Same for me 100%. I'm so drained all the effing time, even on my days off.

@celty5858 8 ай бұрын

Mine is the same way…

@lisabeaumont 8 ай бұрын

I tell a person ONCE about diet changes. If they continue to witter about their health but not change their lifestyle I just say a few words of sympathy and then change the subject.

@linnflame 8 ай бұрын

EXACTLY, we need to heal ourselves, it can quickly become toxic when parents expect their children to be their parent, their therapist or even their friend, while the child is forced to abandon themselves. Survivor of a narcissistic mother, emotional incest and neglect here.

@realhealing7802 8 ай бұрын

This explains my childhood perfectly! I had to distance myself from this toxic cycle. After I left, my family tried to guilt me back in. You can't fix this unhealthy cycle.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Sometimes distance is really all you can do to protect yourself and your wellbeing.

@realhealing7802 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologist Exactly!

@kathyryder828 8 ай бұрын

I had to cut contact with my parents too.

@duckalot 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologist I'm looking into a place to move right now after my mom had a huge breakdown last month, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm 32 and I love her and my Dad so much, but I need my own life. Thankfully they encourage me, but I still feel their sadness and quite a bit guilty to be 'abandoning' them-even though I'm just looking for an apartment in another town. My girlfriend and I are moving to be closer together and I really need to start my own life for my own mental wellbeing. It's scary to move away from this familiar life, but I've longed for independence for yeaaaaars.

@oa1704 8 ай бұрын

This video dropped when I needed it most. I'm currently experiencing this situation first hand and feel so lost and frustrated on how to continue approaching my parent. It's hard, it's difficult when you're trying to tell them what you need, but they either don't want to or can't listen. In my case, I've been dealing with it with this perspective. I'm telling my parent what I need, and they're reaction/response to it is that the can't or won't give me what I need. From that point, it's a hard pill to swallow, but I have to trust what my parent is saying/showing me. They can't or won't give me what I need. If I continue to press or ask of them what they can't/won't provide, I'll only be left more hurt and disappointed. I need to trust that they can't. I need to trust what they're showing me and continue to choose what feels good for me while upholding set boundaries. I don't know if that's where the cycle begins to break, but I'm doing my best to approach the ongoing situation with curiosity and understanding versus anger and hurt.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I'm really glad this reached you. I know so many people face this and they feel completely alone and frustrated. It's a beautiful thing that you're approaching this with curiosity and understanding.

@iowasunshine5600 8 ай бұрын

This explains my situation so well!

@RubyRebel1 8 ай бұрын

Your comment was so healing to read. I'm in a similar situation where my parents can't and won't, but with a huge emphasis on can't, provide what I need/ed. It's definitely a hard pill to swallow but lately I've been able to focus more on myself now that things feel so terminal with my parents. I don't need to fix things any more. I don't need to parent them since they won't ever get it and frankly, it's a job bigger than me that is only doing me harm. In putting myself in the best situation and growing myself as a person, I can possibly do better and provide better solutions that aren't a drain on me. I hope one of those feels relevant and comforts you as much as your comment comforted me. Honestly, your comment makes me see the value in group therapy. Thank you.

@debbiewilder4738 8 ай бұрын

I'm curious because I think I do this to my son. What is it that you need?

@oa1704 8 ай бұрын

@RubyRebel1 I'm sososo happy you were able to resonate with my words. It's an incredibly difficult position to be in especially if you're parents are heavily involved in your life. They're our parents and we want them to be able to understand, but how you phrased it so beautifully, it's a job bigger than you and me, which in turn only causes us more harm than good. What you said is actually what I'm attempting to put in practice by focusing on myself and the things that make me feel /good/. Because, in reality, it's all I can do. By choosing to engage in things that make me feel better as a individual, I begin to bring something different to the table. By choosing to focus on the good, the fun, the liberating, the deliciousness, I will align myself to the best version /I/ want to be. The more I focus on exercising my strengths of this 'best version', the more I'll become in tune with my needs and the direction I want to go. Then, those better changes will reflect throughout my entire character. I don't know about you, but when I see someone, like you, like me, like Dr. Nicole, it inspires me! Once I have that better attunement with my consciousness and all that is me, I genuinely believe that is what will in turn serve as an inspiration to those around me, including my parent. I envision myself as a lit match. What happens when a lit match is put next to another match? It instantly ignites. I'm confident that one day, my parent will see all the work done, they'll see how at peace and happy I am, they'll see how I changed with them (for my better), and it will serve as inspiration to them to want to learn about themselves--including the areas that they may find difficult to love. Your words really ignited that inspiration within me and it's so refreshing and absolutely warming to know we're all headed in that better direction. We're choosing to be the best versions of ourselves for no one else, but you, and me. Thank you for your beautiful words and please know I'm, sending you so much patience, love, and excitement for your adventures!

@strawberrysangria1474 8 ай бұрын

I'm tired of fixing my parent's issues, especially when I'm wrongfully blamed for causing them. Frankly, they wouldn't have these problems if they were timely and well-managed; not because I didn't step in to help earlier. Nothing makes me more resentful than being unappreciated. I'm sympathetic that they didn't have good, reliable parents in their lives; but to a lesser extent, I didn't either. How ironic that I made the choice not to have children that I can't properly care for, and yet I'm always helping them while falling apart. Any suggestions for getting out of this cycle?

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I'll have lots of videos coming up around how to heal and get out of these types of cycles. Be sure to subscribe or check back.

@unnatikumar9074 8 ай бұрын

Would love to have more content on this! Also would benefit from once about getting out of the parenting the parent cycle. Thanks, its wonderful to have your content around!@@TheHolisticPsychologist

@Chloe-kd6zq 8 ай бұрын

I am currently in this situation. It sucks because I see my mom going through the same anxiety/health stuff that she gave to me and I’ve already worked through quite a lot. I feel like I’ve already grown more emotionally intelligent than my parents even though I think I still have a long way to go. I get upset and want to shut them out and resent having to do the emotional labor that I think they should be capable of. But I have to accept them as they are and not who they could be, and I have to try to not act from a place of resentment and act how I honestly would with other people but not get upset if they don’t make changes or engage in authentic and mature ways. I think I’m finally over being angry at them for this and am able to let it go when they don’t make changes. It’s a much better use of my energy to focus on my much needed emotional growth.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I can absolute to everything you've shared here. You're doing really powerful work

@elainebezak7158 8 ай бұрын

I’m the parent you’re talking about here, and I feel so horrible doing this to my daughter. It’s a vicious cycle. She feels so responsible for me, and it’s my fault. It brings me to tears knowing that I put her in this situation. I’ve tried to stop the venting, but that will always end up with me venting again. Starting the cycle again. This is me. You wrote it to explain what’s going on. But what is the solution?? 💕

@Dianaxox3 8 ай бұрын

Im not her but as a daughter I’d like to answer this. The first important step is already here: You see what is wrong and realize your part in it. Now as an action I think it would be best to look for someone else in your age or older to vent to. And gradually start to practice self soothing. For this educate yourself with Nicoles Videos and book. Thank you for starting to break cycles.

@im1385 8 ай бұрын

Hey. Good for you. Try learning DBT self-regulation techniques or learning about enmeshment and emotional incest (it's a scary term I know). Get a mental health professional to talk you through this, that's extremely helpful to have

@UzdrawianiePoprzezDźwięki 8 ай бұрын

The first step which is recognition is already something 💪. It's great to ask yourself the question which starts with w h y. Why am I doing this, how is that benefiting me and then eventually discovering the root cause within yourself (for instance it is what your mother did to you too etc). Everything can be worked through ✌️. As long as there is willingness. And also much appreciation to you because I wish my mother realized... But all I can do is my part for now 👀. Stay blessed 🕊️.

@JuliaShalomJordan 8 ай бұрын

I tried having this convo with my mom and she said sorry but kept doing it. The fact that you are bothered is good…the work you put in to change is the sign of love and sacrifice your daughter needs to see. She will feel loved by your work to change.

@s.stevens4520 8 ай бұрын

Please call a friend instead!

@GardeninGrace 8 ай бұрын

I needed to see this 🥺 I’m still in college, my parents haven’t helped me practice for my driving exam so my grandparents are trying to help out, but my mom lashes out whenever I try gaining any independence (sometimes I believe unknowingly). I bought your book “How to Do The Work” and I’m going to read it as soon as I have time. My therapist has been emphasizing radical acceptance, and that they won’t change but my reactions can. I know I need to do what’s best for me, but it can be hard when your family unit is so dysfunctional.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

thank you for watching

@mckennalynn1916 8 ай бұрын

My therapist recommended the same thing. I can't change my parents, but I can change my reactions. It's difficult though like how?

@hshfyugaewfjkKS 8 ай бұрын

@@mckennalynn1916one thing I do with my mom when she begins to vent or complain about her various issues is just to say I'm sorry to hear that and then give the situation no further energy or attention. Then I change the subject. It helps a lot.

@gracieb.3054 8 ай бұрын

@@hshfyugaewfjkKSThanks for giving this tip. I feel so lost in how to have a relationship that is not enmeshed with my mother. I can actually do this. I just don't know what to do when she actually does something wrong, I call her on it, and then she apologizes but then also says it's not her fault. Anyone experienced this?

@mckennalynn1916 8 ай бұрын

I appreciate your advice, and I am sorry for getting back to you so late! Hope things are going better for you! Things have really improved here. @@hshfyugaewfjkKS

@jeanvaljean4218 8 ай бұрын

Like everyone else I can deeply relate. Have a codependent mother who drains me constantly, and since she's elderly I feel duty-bound to help her. What I've found is that I can bypass most of her guilt-trips and manipulations (she's unconscious to them) and feel them as stings rather than stabs now, and I can continue to help her how I can, accepting that this is who she is and I might as well get the good bits while she's still here. While I'm commenting, I'm a longtime watcher, first-time poster and I wanted to say a very heartfelt THANK YOU for all the work you're doing. Besides the great insights, deep and thought provoking things you show us, on a personal note, you just give off a warm and welcoming vibe that puts me at ease (I'm an introvert with deep trust issues and also an avoidant attachment style so there you go). So thank you for being a good place for me to take refuge in when I need it.

@warblerbg 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing this ❤ I see you. I understand you. We are in this together. It's hard to care for my mom in her unawareness and misunderstanding that results in blame and guilt/shame. I too am getting closer to sting over stab, however clearly my inner child still resents her behavior and I'm still working on the compassion peace via radical acceptance. My ego keeps telling me that this is unfair and that she couldn't possibly be that daft. 😂😅 it's a journey!

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Thank you! This is such a thoughtful comment and I'm so happy you're here.

@jeanvaljean4218 8 ай бұрын

@@warblerbg Your comment actually reached me and made me smile a sincere and warm smile. Thank you for that, I really appreciate it! It's weird feeling connected with a complete stranger, over a couple of lines, but it's the quality and not the quantity that makes the connection. I see you as well, when you say that your inner child cleverly still resents her behavior - mine tricks me too sometimes but I too am working on compassion and radical acceptance, and the first thing to accept it's that it'll always be a work in progress. I'm honored to know I'm not alone on that journey you mentioned, and hope you know you aren't either :)

@jeanvaljean4218 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologist Thank you for the reply, made me genuinely smile. I fully support what you're doing and am going to be here for all this journey you're on and graciously inviting us on as well. I can earnestly say I'm very happy you're here as well :)

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 8 ай бұрын

I love the perspective shift you have taken on this sitution with your mom. ❤❤

@KELLYM814 8 ай бұрын

You just completely described my relationship with my mom. The venting cycle is 100% accurate. It’s taken me decades to learn to be ok with her tantrums that result from me stating and upholding a boundary.

@emmanuelking9988 8 ай бұрын

Wow. You just explained 49 years of my life with my mom. My older brother and I were definitely put into parentified roles as children and we emotionally matured way sooner then we were suppose to. Our father was emotional abusive and very neglectful with my mother, causing her to seek refuse in us. I work in the field of domestic violence, so I really understand this dynamic but it's been a bit harder for my brother to break free. Now our mom is in her 80's and needs care as a senior but I feel those chains of emotional responsibility I always felt for her are broken; I will never abandon my mom (especially in her elder years) but now I no longer feel I must fix her emotionally, nor feel guilty if I don't. Took me 49 years to figure this out, with God's grace, my work as a domestic violence victims' advocate and information from experts like the one shared in this video. Thank you 🙏

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

you've broken the chains, and that is an absolutely amazing thing. Thank you so much for taking the time to share here.

@emmanuelking9988 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologist 🙏

@ColdBaltBlue 8 ай бұрын

It definitely gave me the “I can fix everything!” mindset. I kept on trying to keep my dying relationship with my father alive, listening to sob story after sob story, being gentle and understanding with every job he’d lose, and feeling like his hero with every dollar and hour of my labour I gave. Then I make one criticism, and suddenly, I am a rotten brat who is part of an entitled generation. Suddenly, the tuition I was promised from my slave labour goes uncompensated because he’s mad at me.

@christinekrmer258 8 ай бұрын

I'm almost 41. A single child growing up with parents that had a very dysfunctional relationship. I don't have any children, and when people ask me why I say because I was born to be my parents parent. I have seen, heard and been in the middle of so much, been held responsible and blamed for things that were totally out of my hands. Like looking too much like my mother. Having my dad tell me that he was going to hang himself tonight, because him and mom couldn't figure out being together.. I overheard all of their fighting, and even though I was only 8 years old, the misunderstandings in their "communication" was obvious to me. But who listens to an 8 year old. To this day I still can't seem to see myself as someone whose opinion matters or feelings are valid. I struggle with standing up for myself, and taking care of myself is not a priority. I don't find myself important enough. I know, that all these feelings are untrue. I KNOW none of it was my fault and that I am not to blame. But there seems to be an awful long way from head to heart. I really find your videos helpful. They put words on things I have a hard time explaining to other people. Cause why would they listen to me.. Love from Denmark

@aren678 8 ай бұрын

Oh I 100% relate to this and it’s not just as an adult child past their 20’s, my parents were already relying on me when I was an actual child making me my younger siblings’ parent as well as their own, of course, so long as I still followed all of their rules.

@TheRealHonestInquiry 8 ай бұрын

As others mentioned this happens to young children as well. In my childhood it was my borderline mother feeling helpless, in adulthood it's my father's health and refusal to realize it's connected to what he consumes - after I explained it all, reversed his cancer with diet alone, then check in months later and he's eating the same crap and hasn't educated himself, it just feels hopeless. I feel robbed of both my childhood and my adulthood.

@ralphiegoesrawr 8 ай бұрын

I'm 31, a therapist, and i just started consistent therapy for this exact issue. My situation is too draining to even go into. Just thinking about my mom fills me with sadness and the need to fix. But this really described our relationship perfectly

@theanxietymd 8 ай бұрын

Great vid Nicole! I believe this is also the genesis of the people pleaser/empath mentality as well. As children we learn to direct our attention EXTERNALLY and in that habitual process we lose the ability to feel ourselves (and our own needs and boundaries) INTERNALLY... By the way, your chapter on Boundaries in HOW TO DO THE WORK is the best work on that topic Ive ever encountered. So good!

@aaronjohn6586 8 ай бұрын

This used to be so true for me and through a lot of hard work was able to stop rescuing my parents from themselves. The tragedy of this rescuing is how the behavior undercut and sabotaged my life choices. From jobs, to partners and what I wanted to do in my life. The "need" to rescue was a backdoor way of trying to get my needs met from parents and individuals that in the end didn't have it to give.

@Mothermochi 8 ай бұрын

Yes, It’s a setup for abusive relationships down the line. Getting out of my abusive marriage, I had to confront all aspects of my life that I was falling into this pattern. My life as was falling apart but I was fighting a war on both fronts when I began having boundaries. Still learning and healing.

@robinwadsworth9775 8 ай бұрын

I’ve been doing this my whole life! My parents had a dysfunctional relationship, and my mom is very weak and immature emotionally. She has vented and guilt tripped me, but never tried to help herself. She is now 92, my dad recently passed, and she seems a bit better, but I still always feel like I can’t relax, especially if she is having a bad day. Im aware of what is happening, but it’s really hard to break the pattern of thinking that’s been ingrained in me!

@dervlam4698 8 ай бұрын

I’ve been going through this cycle my entire life until I went NC with my mom a few months ago (I’m 31). I’ve never felt so light, free, and joyful and I’m never going back.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I'm really proud of you for making the decision that was best for you. NC can be so misunderstood, and sometimes its truly what we need.

@dervlam4698 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologistthank you Dr. LePera ❤

@popejaimie 8 ай бұрын

I had to stop talking to my mom because she kept trying to put me in this cycle and I'm like "how am I supposed to help you, I'm still out here trying to raise myself because you jerks forgot to do it, and you shoot everything I suggest down anyway". Wish we could have a normal relationship before she dies but that's up to her I guess.

@tinaheald 8 ай бұрын

Friendships can provide a valuable support system for empty nest parents who need to vent or seek advice outside of their immediate family. Many empty nest parents do not always want to burden their own children with their challenges, and leaning on friends who are also going through similar life experiences can be beneficial. Friends offer a different perspective, empathy, and the opportunity to share and validate feelings without the same generational dynamics that exist within parent-child relationships. Encourage your parents to make friends if they have none. Especially if they spent their whole lives taking care of you.

@MaddalenaPB 8 ай бұрын

Subscribed. All that you do is really valuable. I like this "you can't parent your parents" series! Thank you!

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Thank you! really appreciate you subscribing.

@chibivampiregirl 8 ай бұрын

It's like you have hidden cameras in my house. Every part of this rings true. When I turned 18, I had to be fully responsible for bringing money into the household and managing bills, rent, food, etc. I'm 25 now and she's managed to get a job (after years of not working) that pays a decent amount and my little brother is 15, so it's time for me to go on and live my own life now. I just still feel so guilty leaving them after being in the parentification cycle for so long.

@EatRightChefLouisa 8 ай бұрын

This hits home! I've been parenting my mother since I was a child. She is emotionally at the toddler stage and expects me to pay attention to her, put her first, fix her loneliness, fill her void and now that she is very old, that I would care for her and fulfill her perfectionistic demands till the end. I'm caught in the dilemma of not wanting to be sucked into this cycle and feeling empathy for her aging body (after she broke her knee). I am going mad as she continues to cross my boundaries even though I am praticing saying "no" nowadays. It doesn't help that there is very little sense of boundary in our culture (Chinese). I'm super frustrated about not feeling free to express my anger for fear of her having a meltdown, which means I will suffer the consequences. I would like to learn how to handle such tricky situations. Thank you! Really appreciate your succinct way of explaining complicated relationship dynamics and providing charity on such a wide range of psychological topics. ❤

@jhug199 8 ай бұрын

This really hit home for me. There was a lot of issues as my sister got married. Parents didn’t talk to her, I stopped talking to my sister because I wanted to be there for my parents. I spent endless nights trying to comfort my mother. But nothing ever changed. 10 years later my sister walks back into my parents lives like nothing happened, which bothers me because no healing happened. It was all swept under the rug. Now that I’m in a relationship, my parents don’t know how to handle not having their baby boy be there for them all the time. I’ve tried to have talks with them, set boundaries. And it’s exhausting because there is no change. They aren’t excepting or inclusive of my relationship and have gone as far as to stop talking to my girlfriend and her parents. Which they have been friends with for over 20 years. It’s a mess and I’m trying to work through it, and I’m so glad that I found your channel. Thank you!

@einahsirro1488 8 ай бұрын

You just described my relationship with my mother. She has been coming by to drink at my place every day for three years. Every single day. And telling me her problems. And I try to fix them. And she LOVES it. Loves spending hours and hours discussing her issues with me. I finally flipped out (rather unexpectedly, although the signs were there) and started screaming at her a few days ago and chased her off. I feel awful because it was my idea in the first place to keep the wine at my house because she can't control how much she drinks. But I had no idea it would turn into my whole life revolving around her, her drinking, her issues... I still love her, but I now know you can love someone and hate them at the same time. I feel like my hair is on fire, only it doesn't hurt, but I can smell the heat and feel the crackling all over my head. Tick tick tick tick.... this isn't going to end well.

@ll4759 8 ай бұрын

may you be given strength and comfort

@gking407 8 ай бұрын

Dr. LePera from the bottom of my aching heart I want to thank you for your work. You are a gifted communicator and I am so happy to see you on this platform.I continue to work on healthy boundaries and better relationships, with the help of your invaluable lessons. Thanks so much.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 8 ай бұрын

❤

@elizabethbrink476 8 ай бұрын

My parents divorced when I was two. My dad would be a no show on days he was supposed to pick me up. Eventually, in my teens, I stopped answering his calls. He’d only make excuses. Fast forward to adulthood, I tried giving him a second chance. In the middle of his same old speech about why he wasn’t around, I cut him off and told him I no longer wanted to go down that road. All was forgiven and I wanted to start fresh. Wasn’t long before he fell back into the same old patterns of not calling and then making excuses. Never would he ask about me or my life. It was draining! He had another family with three kids. He’d vent about his marital issues and how he missed my mom. He’d complain about his children, it was so uncomfortable and I’d end up feeling helpless and crying. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just enjoy seeing me happy and thriving! I am now 38,happily married with 4 kids. I cut him off once again. I don’t know how to move forward…I don’t know how I’ll feel if he passes away and I never spoke to him again. But I’ve tried, he just can’t seem to change and honestly, I don’t even know what I really want from him anyway.

@kwtyee24 8 ай бұрын

Oldest of 5 here. You described my whole life growing up, it took me years to figure this out. My mom gaslit me about this growing up and it was so hard to untangle the feelings and sort out what was going on and how it affected me. I dont speak to any of my family but my dad.

@michelechilders151 8 ай бұрын

I had a very deep relationship with my parents, but the dynamic at times especially towards the end of their lives became inverted and drove me to the point i wanted to die rather then live but i knew if something happened to me then they would have no one to take care of them. Now that they are gone I miss them so much it hurts and at times i feel guilty for feeling happy and free knowing i would not have either of those feelings if they were still here.

@Crystal_Seeker71 8 ай бұрын

Oh my gosh my life has been laid out in your chart perfectly this is why Im being eaten alive with guilt the cycle is very hard to break and it never gets better

@yazminmanzo1791 8 ай бұрын

@theholisticpsychologist I'm grateful for you sharing about this because this happened just this weekend, mom goes into negative mode saying how her life is not the life she would have preferred to be living, bc of money struggles. I feel that I'm not dealing with these situations properly because they are still happening, they still cause me stress because I listen more that I should , I feel like I'm being a parent, a counselor, cheerleader/voice of reason, and when I point these out as stressful conversations to establish boundaries I get a "I know that I'm not perfect, blah blah" obviously she is not going to be the parent my siblings & I needed, but at least I'd like to get smarter on how to deal with it in a healthy way 💜 I'll turn on notifications for new content you post! Thanks again!

@kiram.3619 8 ай бұрын

Hmm, my mother does ask for my opinion and vents about her issues at me. BUT she actually puts a lot of effort into changing and reciprocates (as any parent obviously should) by offering me help and encouraging me to speak up if i have any issues. She also reassures me that i don't need to fix things for her, even if she is thankful for my input. I'm quite lucky with my parents :)

@melaniefrancis48 8 ай бұрын

Yes, I am. They both have various stages of dementia, and one of them is also perpetually afraid that they are losing their spouse. I suppose it's a grief of sorts. I don't feel that I can leave them to it, because they're losing the capacity to be kind to one another. Neither will accept any kind of external help and support. I'm missing deadlines and missing out on things I'd like to do. At the same time, their failing capacity is not their fault. It's exhausting for everyone involved. I am grateful that I am only now finding myself in this position, in my late 40s, and not that they expected this of me from my childhood onwards. My heart goes out to everyone who has a disordered parent who has always expected this of them.

@sweariefaerie9621 8 ай бұрын

Holy relatable, batman! I'm actually still stuck in it mostly because I've been disabled from age 6. And I have no idea how to get out of it.

@megegardner2467 8 ай бұрын

I'm so happy you're doing this!! I have stepped away from twitter, but I miss your updates there. Right now, my mother is in hospice, and while our relationship will never be repaired directly, I am at peace with helping her while keeping sky high boundaries. It's easy right now to slip up and make exceptions, like taking her calls when I'm at work, but I get back to my equilibrium very quickly now. So grateful!!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 8 ай бұрын

❤❤❤ sending you and your mom much love

@Stephanie_2272 8 ай бұрын

Thank you. I get this from my mother and my mother in law. I’ve learned so much from you.

@mahalnamahalkita358 8 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for your hard work! You’re changing lives! Sending love from Malaysia 💗

@annalenalink2849 8 ай бұрын

Tha k you SO much foe maki g that so clear. I feel seen and validated. I really needed that❤🎉 This is exaxtely me, highly sensitive and sole support system.

@talkingcake 8 ай бұрын

This just appeared in my feed at the perfect timing. Thank you for explaining all of this effectively and succinctly, with visuals too

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

so glad, thank you for watching

@Milagro685 8 ай бұрын

Your videos help me feel so understood. Thank you so much.

@alwaysamy4 8 ай бұрын

I stumbled on this channel and I’m grateful!! This simple chart will be imprinted on my brain during communication with my dad forever. Some of your perspective is reminiscent of 12 step teaching. I can’t wait to watch more.. your voice is so pleasant. 😊😊😊 ✌🏼 ❤ & 🎼

@MyDuckSaysFucc 8 ай бұрын

This is what it’s like in my family. I started pushing back in my teens, regardless of how pissed off that made my needy parent. It didn’t matter to me, what could they do? Vent and rage like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum? They were doing that already anyway. Unfortunately, my brother picked up the slack and now he follows this parents directive, which is to blame me for everything. Brother thinks I’m just being difficult and need to submit to needy parent. Which just enables the problem. I hope one day my brother will break free of this bull shit. It’s utter nonsense.

@LM.312 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for these videos.

@lolaravioli 8 ай бұрын

Wow thank you for this. My mom is draining me.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

You're so welcome. I know the feeling very well and I hope this provided you with some insight and validation.

@ishitasingh1 8 ай бұрын

How much I resonate with each words. Needed to hear this. Been dealing with this since childhood. Thank you for these healing podcasts. I've read your book. It gave deep insights in understanding my trauma. Lots of love and light Nicole, all the way from India ❤

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Lots of love back to you. It's an honor to reach someone in India. Thank you

@forgoroe 5 ай бұрын

Feeling extremely grateful for the existence of resources like yours, and others like it. It's always really (re)stabilising to see the forest for the trees 🙏 Thank you!

@cosmicchildstudios 3 ай бұрын

I needed to hear this. Thank you so much for helping me feel not crazy. This has been a cycle I've been stuck in for years and didn't even notice it until my husband pointed it out.

@alphadog3384 8 ай бұрын

I want to thank you for doing your shorts and videos. This has helped me tremendously, since l'm unable to seek some of the treatments & therapies due to my external situation this is a "life line-in the best way".

@madhvisingh3407 8 ай бұрын

Love these videos of yours❤

@LoganGraceHope 8 ай бұрын

This video summed my entire child hood and adult life till I was 35. Thank you! My guilt is now finally gone. I can't even put into words what that feels like. I feel so free now.

@momo90416 2 ай бұрын

1000% YES!!! Though, thankfully I finally broke out of this maddening cycle that started at a young age. It was a process of understanding her issues and then also mine and working on myself. Books and videos like this are what helped me. Thank you!

@verekat1933 8 ай бұрын

I love these educational videos on parent and child relationship., Nicole. Keep up the great work. ❤👏

@almahealingnyc444 8 ай бұрын

I love your videos thank you so much for all you do!

@anitawaclawik4286 8 ай бұрын

I found this video helpful because it simply explains the cycle. I hope there is a follow up video about how the adult child breaks free from the parentification cycle..

@alexiaatheducc 8 ай бұрын

hi. i started tearing up at this. thank you so much for this video , it found me at a great time. i have been trying to help my mom, give her advice and suggestions, and when i think she is getting better, she falls back into that habit again of yelling, and blaming everything and everyone but herself. it really is draining and tiring, whenever she is in the room with me it feels like my energy is being sapped out. when i’m with my dad, it’s alright! he is awesome. but my mom.. i told her she should seek therapy. dont think she has yet. she hasn’t changed a bit. for so many years. my two siblings have both gone off to college now, leaving me alone with my parents, either one of them, both, or neither every day. i’m glad i can still contact my siblings and rant to them about her. but i also do feel guilty and responsible for her. maybe i’ll show her this video. i still think, hope she can change. again, thank you for this video, and the many other ones, like the skits, you made. i sent them to my mom, too, so i hope that’s something. just want you to know that i really appreciate what you do here. thank you, thank you thank you ♥️

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I'm so glad this was helpful and that you shared with your mom. Hopefully it will inspire conversation and connection!

@stellagiacon4941 8 ай бұрын

I only found this channel a couple days ago, and its given me huge insight into the hidden reasons behind my behaviour and problems. I grew up in a not very 'mentally aware' home, so this has helped a lot.

@saharkhalili5303 8 ай бұрын

I love creators like yourself pumping out this good wisdom. Took a really long time of digging in deep to realise the source of my painful pity and resentment cycle with my mum. I was definitely parenting her, and grieving the loss of a parent for myself. Constantly feeling drained and sucked out. And then I would project this dynamic onto the rest of the world around me. Dodging "needy" people. I don't blame my mum, but I had to acknowledge where this pain came from and why, and through empathy and compassion I see her and I see me. It takes a lot to be around her, talking for longer than 5 minutes I start to feel suffocated and then I get angry that I feel compressed and uncomfortable without wanting her to feel uncomfortable. Just thinking about it makes me so mad at that helpless feeling! But thank you for sharing this wisdom, so people can see it, and then heal it.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Thank you for such a thoughtful comment!

@rosered3919 8 ай бұрын

This was me as an actual child. I'm finding your videos profound, especially the shorts with the parent and child perspectives. Looking forward to your nuerology information. Thankyou.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Thank you!

@stephaniehart3595 8 ай бұрын

I have been parenting my parents since I can remember. I'm almost 40 and have just in the past 2 yrs seen how I have been hindering both of us. Thank you for this subject. It's for sure something that needs exploring on both sides. You are spot on. It's a difficult dynamic and I need all the advise and help I can get!! Thank you ❤

@D3los 8 ай бұрын

I have something like this issue. I put myself back in college a couple months ago and used it as an excuse to say i dont have time or energy to deal with “distractions”… those distractions include any communication with my mother and her family. It hasnt fixed my life, but i certainly have a newfound measure of peace and am able to trust my routine.

@kavishinde2970 8 ай бұрын

Yes totally stuck in this 🔃 cycle.. Glady realising it.

@Psych_Major_Blonde 8 ай бұрын

I would love to see more of your content specifically pertaining to narcissistic parents. 🙂 it’s the main reason I follow you here and on tiktok.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

noted! will do

@Psych_Major_Blonde 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologist I was wondering if you have any videos about parents who financially manipulate their children. It’s definitely a video I’m going to be making, myself, because I finally had the courage to tell my mom that I don’t want her manipulation money, anymore, and that I will handle my debts by myself or along with my husband. 🙂

@ryannesumbry4130 8 ай бұрын

This was me for so many years and I still struggle not to fix or help 😅 I’m learning to just listen 👂

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I'm proud of you, it's powerful work!

@justiceO8149 8 ай бұрын

Me with my aging mum. Whats driving it for me is that my brothers are very busy - a fall has already meant a new hip, and i just want to wrap her up in cotton wool so i dont end up with a parent with high need and me in nurse mode! My kids have just flown to coop. I am in the cycle !!

@iCantCuTTofu 8 ай бұрын

Thank-you for these videos. I would often empathise with my dad’s hard life growing up as he complains about it daily. This led me to prioritised my goal to make him happy by showering him with grand gestures. Nothing made him happy and if I confront his problem out of frustration, I’ll be told that I do not love him anymore, or that I do not need to recognise him as my father then give me the silent treatment. Now having a child of my own, I realise how extremely wrong this was, I would never wish for my child to chase for my approval to feel they are worthy. I am now in the process of unlearning to be a people pleaser

@conroyburke4225 8 ай бұрын

Spot on! Thank you for your content. I am utterly triggered but okay with it. This is so validating.

@harry69007 8 ай бұрын

First off, thank you so much for doing this! I have experienced a lot of stuff within my childhood and found your videos thanks to my psychology teacher at college. One thing I'd love for you to take a lot at, is anxiety and how it can affect relationships, which I know is similar to the insecure attachments (Avoident or anxious). But I think it'd be interesting to see more content which takes a lot at how mental disorders can have a large impact, not only on ourselves, but on how we build relationships in the futures and explain why people may be seen as "cold" and "paranoid". Love the content and keep up the great work Nicole!

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

You're in luck! My next series is a breakdown of each attachment style including anxious and avoidant attachment that you're talking about in this comment. STAY TUNED!

@harry69007 8 ай бұрын

@@TheHolisticPsychologist That's amazing to hear!! Looking forward to hearing more about the attachment styles Nicole.

@jaspreetamatharu3438 6 ай бұрын

Oh my goodness! This hit so hard. But not only as an adult. I have been in this situation since childhood!

@jessicabecause3717 8 ай бұрын

Undermined all my life and now parentified.

@AliHussein30605 8 ай бұрын

Thank you algorithm for recommending this video I was needing it so much and I’m suffering because of this mindset of parenting Parents cuz i feel always that I’m responsible for everything in my parents life and I have always to improve it and I take even the basic responsibilities of them as my responsibilities and it’s really impact on me and my life in negative way thank you doctor for sharing this video I’m grateful for you to the rest of my life much love ❤❤❤

@JS-lx9fi 8 ай бұрын

I’ve come to realize something that I wish was instilled in me from my own parents. When we grow up what we owe our parents is to take the best care of ourselves as possible and our offspring. And when our children grow up they pay it forward in the same way, by taking care of themselves and their offspring. That is the compliment to our parents. And for most animals on this planet. The parents who did a good job raising their offspring will have children who leave the nest and take remarkable care of themselves and their children.

@mysticeyes_thejourney 7 ай бұрын

I just took a picture of these words to come back to when times get tough. ❤ thank you for sharing them.

@2mammaR 6 ай бұрын

I’m crazy glued into the pattern. I wish I knew this before becoming a caregiver. I didn’t feel I had a choice.

@annaburns2865 8 ай бұрын

This woman is so good at what she does. Yes, I have sacrificed my needs and relationships my mom. But do you think she’s doing anything for me? Hell no!

@Sovereignlupi 8 ай бұрын

Started childhood mother (40 years older) and sister (20 years older) Authoritian higher on order brother (17 years older) domestic abuse in alcohol father (same age gap as my mum, died in 2006). Current state of affairs: Live with 78yr old mother, with 18 year old and 7 month old sons. High influence to mother from siblings akin to coercive control. Narcs. My partner lives 9 miles away, very understanding, understands some child psychology previously a teacher. I've been reading self help since my teens, and family therapy since my 20s. I'm physically disabled

@springsoleiluna9090 8 ай бұрын

Im a reiki healer. I studied history and psychology trying to fix myself. They both left me distrustful but i guess i started off that way. The books The Four Agreements and The Body Keeps the Score were life altering. I am distrustful and synical BUT I like and respect YOU. I would love to tell you my life story so you would know what an impactful healer you are. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You are wondwrful and appreciated in my universe

@susannabonke8552 8 ай бұрын

I know this so well. Only in my mid 40s did I manage to withdraw, slowly but surely.

@elvira9228 8 ай бұрын

Thank you!!❤

@Sandy-of6gq 8 ай бұрын

Ugh story of the first 30 years of my life. Thank you.

@Saeiyu 8 ай бұрын

I feel I have been a parent to my parents since I was a teen. I found out about my dad's infidelity and there was much drama. I am turning 34 in two days ad I am finally realizing that my parrents are too self absorved to care about how I feel. My father wants me to drop my healing or my projects to cater to his desire of joining families but would rather celebrate my birthday on another day because he has to make a test for the class he gives as a hobby. While my mother would rather talk about her first random thought than plan anything worthwhile to do. I already struggle with anxiety and depression, but above all I am done with no one caring if it is my birthday or not.

@mayamartin7359 8 ай бұрын

This video needs to be a part of my daily morning routine.

@pedroclaro7822 8 ай бұрын

Concise and informative. If only all the rest of KZfaq content was like this instead of being unnecessarily long. Subbed.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

I'm grateful to hear the feedback about short videos. I'll be dropping 2 videos a week and almost all of them will be under 8-10 min stay tuned.

@arielramos818 8 ай бұрын

I'm 29 and I'm starting to let go of this by now, and slowly. My mom always, even today, spilled out her problems on me. and I constantly felt like I needed to do something to change her life, but, first: she never asked me if I wanted to listen. and secondly: I was just a child dealing with money issues, marriage betrayals, my mom regretting her life and huge stuff, heavy stuff that I was like, 6 yrs? anyway. nowadays, I just ignore her completely because I'm an adult who doesn't want to have her shit anymore, I don't wanna know if she's mad about my uncle... I don't care. and, sadly, for the family, it looks like I am a bad person. but, for the first time, I feel like I'm not drowning or having the responsability of her. she never played or existed like and adult. and I'm not the one who's make this role because I don't even wanna have children's just to have my life on my own, imagine take care or take the responsability of an ADULTS life? I'm still working on this process, specially after discovering that I'm autistic. my life is heavily precious and short to be my mom's parent. sorry about big text, but, I finally understand why I reject her so damn hard (not only this video, there are many things together)

@arielramos818 8 ай бұрын

sorry abt my bad English but I hope I'm getting understood

@jacobberg4007 8 ай бұрын

This has been the case since childhood for me, Dr. Nicole. Nowadays I just simply don't care when they start venting. My siblings probably see it as arrogant, but I think they are still somewhat stuck in the vicious circle mentioned above. I've simply realized that our parents are grown adults responsible for themselves and that they make their own decisions. It's an enormous relief!

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

This is a huge step for you! It's not at all arrogant to have boundaries and I'm proud of you for making your own decisions regardless of the pressure or judgement.

@jacobberg4007 8 ай бұрын

Thank you @@TheHolisticPsychologist and may I take the opportunity to say that you are an absolute Gem on Twitter, your tweets guide me and help me heal. Thank you once again and take care / Jacob

@ziggypip2938 8 ай бұрын

Dated a guy with this problem. Caused me a world of pain.

@IlakkiyaVenkatc2n3y 8 ай бұрын

I had to parent my parent. When I started grad school, I had a big argument with them to stop telling me their problems and to fix them on their own. I said I'm not responsible. It was very validating to hear that being guilt tripped is part of the cycle, since that happened so much and I could not get them to recognize they were wrong for making me feel guilty.

@Donna_La_Fleur 8 ай бұрын

I was brought up in this dynamic with both of my parents. One would always call to vent and complain even when I was trying to direct the conversation elsewhere and like you stated, eventually I would get resentful and drained. I would just watch my phone ring. This is coming from a 38 year old adult. The other parent, would always guilt trip me and my sibling into feeling bad for them because they were alone which caused me to try to fix the problem, be resentful. Well, I wouldn’t say resentful. More like annoyed. Then I knew it was unhealthy because I was beginning to feel fearful or anxious about even speaking with them. Only calling to keep the peace. This isn’t normal behavior. I am now currently in no contact mode with both of my parents.

@goblinsRule 8 ай бұрын

I have been the caretaker of my parent's family since I remember, and so tired and broken to be present for my own family, I am so vigilant, and my mind rushes to prepare and plan everytime as if the whole world will collapse any day now, I am not able to get out my mind and enjoy few moments just for myself, i don't trust anyone, i am afraid of everyone that they will take my things, I wake up dreadfully from my dreams, that I stand alone and all my stuff has been stolen, and shouting. I still feel like a small child inside, needing others to soothe me, finding my parents in everyone, and pleading them to accept me.

@stillinhere 8 ай бұрын

As I hit adulthood, it was becoming worse, though that pattern started when I was 7. The rest of the family also placed upon me the need to be her parent, when I was a child. It was relentless. I started to break free when my life was going bad. She killed herself. The family made it clear I failed her. I finally left the family in the dust. I do not regret it.

@somisettys1 8 ай бұрын

I did not realize this was happening until I saw your video. Thank you so much for brining perspective. But iam not sure how to break this cycle with out feeling guilty .

@erinbanister517 8 ай бұрын

This video was really helpful! Will there be a video follow-up on solutions to break this cycle and to have a healthier relationship with your parent?

@MaddalenaPB 8 ай бұрын

To all those who are struggling with this, we need to reinforce our Real Core Authentic Self Identity, so we can be the wise adult for ourself and deal with our parents in a wiser manner, and def healthier!! I really know first hand the pain and the struggle that this cycle involves.. and while I was laying onto my acupressure mat I had a vision of my soul being strengthened with some silver, violet and blue drops of platinum being infused from the top of my head, into my body, to the bones. I'm a holistic therapist and counsellor myself.. Best healing wishes to everybody.

@TheHolisticPsychologist 8 ай бұрын

Absolutely. Reparenting and becoming that wise inner parent for ourselves is so key. Much healing to you.