You're as useful as a chocolate teapot! | Best British Insults
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2 жыл бұрынWhat are the best British insults?? That's a good question. As a foreigner living in the UK, I've come across quite a few hilarious and brutal insults - and I want to share them with you!
In my opinion, there's are the best British insult words, phrases and a secret format that some Brits use to craft the best insults.
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Hey! I'm Alanna - a twenty-something documenting my life as a Canadian living in England.
I share the ups and downs of an expat living abroad and what it's really like living in the UK. It's not always easy, but there's been so many wonderful experiences, too. I post a KZfaq video every Tuesday and an additional video every Saturday on my Patreon account. I also livestream every Wednesday and Sunday at 6:30pm GMT on Twitch.
Alanna x
@stevenbeech7310 2 жыл бұрын
"He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the sole" Basically unbeatable if someone is ever so slightly incompetent
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
😂
@gdfggggg 2 жыл бұрын
Lol
@ianbennett5245 2 жыл бұрын
"Couldn't shoot himself in the foot if he had a shotgun taped to his ankle."
@donrhule1424 2 жыл бұрын
LMFAO never heard that one before @Steven Beech 😂😂😂 #savage
@lorddarlo6194 2 жыл бұрын
Or he couldn't organise a Piss Up in a Brewery
@Mark13091961 2 жыл бұрын
Alanna saying ‘wanker’ earned a thumbs up by itself lol - much like our variety of real ales or cheeses, our insults have matured and diversified into a source of national pride almost. A well delivered British insult is a thing to savour. Excellent appreciation Alanna 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
@geoffpoole483 2 жыл бұрын
There are some choice expressions in the "Angry British Drivers" video. Makes one proud to be British.
@cogidubnus1953 2 жыл бұрын
I often feel though that the deepest British insults are often the ones the recipient doesn't really realise are quite so deadly...and they're as often as not delivered quietly deadpan and straight-faced...
@simontunnicliffe2107 2 жыл бұрын
Bit she pronounced it, "wenker"?
@AnnieLongGone Жыл бұрын
Oh yes Mark Roberts! On social(ish) media I've sometimes used excariating British put-downs - when justified - and they haven't been completely understood as such. Cue baffled head scratching. But, quite rightly, I've also been on the receiving end of others' comments and have been equally nonplussed. Just as it should be. Vive la différence.
@alexanderreader7406 2 ай бұрын
It's actually pronounced "oi! wankaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
@nrbudgen 2 жыл бұрын
The best one I ever heard was Churchill answering Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee." to which Churchill replied: ""Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it." Insults don't come much better than that.
@lordhelpus3955 2 жыл бұрын
Lady Astor again. Winston you are drunk. Churchill: Madam you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober.
@suttoncoldfield9318 2 жыл бұрын
I'd heard about some 'sledging' between Auzzie and English cricket players (could be wrong about the countries) PlayerA to PlayerB: Looks like you're putting on a bit of weight there. PlayerB to PlayerA: Yeh, everytime I f*** your wife, she gives me a biscuit.
@lordhelpus3955 2 жыл бұрын
@@suttoncoldfield9318 Another good one was Ian Botham coming out to bat: Hey Botham how's your wife and my kids? Botham replied the wife's fine but the kids are retarded.
@eadweard. 2 жыл бұрын
@@suttoncoldfield9318 Australia Vs Zimbabwe
@nrbudgen 2 жыл бұрын
@@lordhelpus3955 IIRC, it was even worse than the Lady Astor insult. "Winston you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk", to which he replied: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly." Wow! I wish I could come up with quips like that - but I suppose it's easier when you're drunk!
@terryleddra1973 2 жыл бұрын
One of my favourites. About as much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
@simontunnicliffe2107 2 жыл бұрын
🤣🤣
@notreallydavid 2 жыл бұрын
Ya beat me to it!
@steviebudden3397 2 жыл бұрын
That sounds like it was taken from Blackadder?
@terryleddra1973 2 жыл бұрын
@@steviebudden3397 No it pre-dates Blackadder. That's from the late 70's.
@joannecunliffe8067 Жыл бұрын
Cried with laughter at this one although I have heard it myself!
@kylebroflovski5333 2 жыл бұрын
I’m Swedish living in the uk for most of my life and I absolutely love British insults and they’re so satisfying
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
Thanks so much for watching!
@doc8178 2 жыл бұрын
By far the best insulting name I heard when in the military was an individual who’d been nicknamed “Thrombo” because he was a slow moving clot
@reggy_h Жыл бұрын
We used to call somebody Harpic because the were clean around the bend. 😁 From an old TV advert.
@gratmatassa5432 2 жыл бұрын
" if brains were chocolate you wouldn't fill a Smartie"
@timelord5920 2 жыл бұрын
One of my favourites is: “he/she’s several sandwiches short of a picnic”
@radamspse 2 жыл бұрын
A few others not sure whether they are english or australian, "not the sharpest tool in the shed", "the lift doesnt go to the top floor"
@allenjenkins7947 2 жыл бұрын
The Australian version of this one is "A snag (=sausage) shy of a barbie".
@CaptLoquaLacon 2 жыл бұрын
@@radamspse I've seen "not the sharpest tool in the shed" followed with "and all the tools are lump hammers"
@alexbernard8907 Жыл бұрын
I'm English born and bred and often use two planks short of a building block
@Purplelemon5033 10 ай бұрын
I like when you were born the dr slapped your mother
@geddonmeansome9834 2 жыл бұрын
He couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag. He couldn't knock the skin off a rice pudding.
@charlestaylor9424 2 жыл бұрын
A Scottish one - "pick your windae, your leaving".
@loquayrocks 2 жыл бұрын
I heard that in Ireland 40 years ago "choose a window, you're leaving".. along with "Are you talking to me or chewing a brick? Either way you're going to lose your teeth"
@alexvaraderey 2 жыл бұрын
I was at a party in the 1990's and heard the host say to a gatecrasher ''You're leaving. Door or window?''
@imperialdebauchery5988 2 жыл бұрын
Unlike you Jocks, you're going nowhere. lol
@charlestaylor9424 2 жыл бұрын
@@imperialdebauchery5988 from your name I assume you sip a lot of tea.
@joopjansen9102 2 жыл бұрын
@Charles Taylor YESSS! Forgot about that one - must remember!
@-Pol- Жыл бұрын
My favourite Glagow put down - " Awa an boil yer heid! " (Go away and boil your head!)
@craigthornton1971 2 жыл бұрын
I like to use a phrase I heard in Blackadder 2 in my childhood "the mouth opens, the eyes move, but Mr Brain has long since departed"
@rebeccaedmonds5428 2 жыл бұрын
One of my personal favourites… ‘He couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery.’
@loquayrocks 2 жыл бұрын
couldn't organise an orgy in a brothel
@ShinySilvery 2 жыл бұрын
@@loquayrocks The cruder version I learned is “couldn’t arrange a hard on in a whore house!” 😹
@BassandoForte 2 жыл бұрын
Banter - not an insult...
@ShinySilvery 2 жыл бұрын
@@BassandoForte Which is allowed in this context, as clarified here 6:08 by Alannah herself…
@BassandoForte 2 жыл бұрын
@@ShinySilvery - I hadn't got that far in at that point... 😉 It just highlights another difference between the UK and US - Americans tend to take everything far too personally - then return next day and shoot you up for speaking... 🤣
@BigRedJed 2 жыл бұрын
A few years ago Twitter said that out of all it's accounts, those based in Glasgow swore the most. I was so proud I cried.
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
Sounds about right lol
@zapkvr 2 жыл бұрын
@@AdventuresAndNaps about white?
@traceys8065 2 жыл бұрын
I've never been so proud to be Glaswegian lol
@abcdef-uc1rj Ай бұрын
''Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery'' ....one of the most useful phrases ever made!
@raybenstead2548 Ай бұрын
Couldn't organise a bible meeting in the Vatican.
@charliechan7546 2 жыл бұрын
the wheel's still turning but the hamster has left the cage.is a way to describe someone who is stupid.
@chanchito4401 2 жыл бұрын
"Have a word with yourself" is another great condescending one
@loquayrocks 2 жыл бұрын
my ex used to say "go and have a little chat with yourself"... always shut me down
@afpwebworks 2 жыл бұрын
I’ve never heard that before. Writing it in my notebook right now
@chapettewhat5158 2 жыл бұрын
As are 'quiet now', 'stop showing off in front of your friends' or 'pipe down'
@chanchito4401 2 жыл бұрын
@@chapettewhat5158 It's more like telling someone to go and reassess their attitude and stop being a jerk.
@nicholasjones7312 2 жыл бұрын
“Are you taking the piss” was misquoted by a Spanish exchange student we had working with us in the office. She said “Are you taking my piss” 🤢🤣
@GavTatu 2 жыл бұрын
and said in her accent would have been so much better.
@dannyderain9670 2 жыл бұрын
Welcome to North East :)
@davidcramb5793 2 жыл бұрын
I once heard a lady with Special Needs use the classic "lick my arse", when she gave someone the finger. Everyone knew exactly what she meant, especially the "dickhead" who had insulted her 🤣
@Plentisaki 2 жыл бұрын
If somebody is nervous about something it could be said that 'He's as nervous as a nun at a penguin shoot'!
@markg780 2 жыл бұрын
One of my favourites is …… your like a lighthouse in the desert, you may be bright but your no fucking use to anyone. 😁👍
@darrenleiberman6250 2 жыл бұрын
I've always had a soft spot for 'You couldn't organise a shag in a brothel' and it's close cousin 'You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery' such poetry. Keep up to the good work. 😁
@Forestgravy90 10 ай бұрын
Couldn't organise an organisation in an organisation class for training organisations to organise
@sfjnet 2 жыл бұрын
I haven't laughed so much in ages as when Alana was reeling off the insults one after another. I'm a Canadian who's lived in the UK for 30+ years and I have to admit I use most of these regularly!
@steviebudden3397 2 жыл бұрын
The ones I like: They fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. They were out of the room/behind the door/at the back of the queue when brains were being handed out. Couldn't find his own arse with both hands and a map.
@mannyhoward2353 2 жыл бұрын
My favourite I've heard to describe a gnarly looking bloke is "He looks like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle".
@maxplanck9055 2 жыл бұрын
Alanna has definitely lived in a pub since arriving in Britain,her knowledge is too advanced!💗👍🇬🇧
@nrbudgen 2 жыл бұрын
Churchill was a gold mine for insults. Another one was: Churchill was in the lavatory (washroom/bathroom) in the House of Commons and his secretary knocked on the door and said "Excuse me Prime Minister, but the Lord Privy Seal wishes to speak with you." After a pause, Churchill replied "Tell his Lordship: I'm sealed on the privy and can only deal with one shit at a time."
@andyf4292 25 күн бұрын
if we're insulting you, we like you.... if we're polite. run
@tigs5354 Жыл бұрын
"If tha brains were dynamite tha woudn't have enough to blow tha bloody cap off" - one of my favourites from Yorkshire.😁
@RedDevil_Joe 2 жыл бұрын
“Who’s running it?” Mark. “Mark!? He couldn’t run a bath”. There’s variations of that sort of one too lol
@Wolf-Rayet_Arthur 2 жыл бұрын
... a pissup in a brewery ... a nursery in a brothel ... a shovel in a shithouse Yep. There are many
@DronedLove 2 жыл бұрын
"Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat" is a personal favourite. As is cockwomble.
@Rob.S 2 жыл бұрын
A condescending insult similar to “threw his toys out of the pram” is he “spit his dummy out”
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
That's a good one!
@grantsclassicsongs8122 2 жыл бұрын
In Australia we would say, "He's having a dummy spit"
@zeee149 2 жыл бұрын
or 'Threw the toys out of the pram'
@johnhendry6636 2 жыл бұрын
"As helpful, as a fart in a spacesuit"
@jamesblackwell2067 2 жыл бұрын
"ya got more chance of nailing a bubble to the wall, pal" - theres another one for you!
@contactlight8079 2 жыл бұрын
This one is rather coarse, apologies..As a kid in the 70s I came home from school after getting in to a fight with another child. I told my Dad who knew the kid and he said " Don't worry about that little prick, the best bit of him dribbled down his mother legs." Without doubt the best insult I have ever heard.
@ala0284 2 жыл бұрын
Honestly as a Brit I always assumed half of these were in common use throughout the Anglosphere... this has enlightened me to the unique diversity of insults we have available
@christinebarnes9102 Ай бұрын
You make a better door than a window, when someone is standing in front of you so that you can't see something.
@georgefoster8133 2 жыл бұрын
"Slower than a week in jail" is a personal favourite 😂
@532bluepeter1 2 жыл бұрын
One of my favourites that fits into the standard format is, "As much use as an ashtray on a motorbike".
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
😂
@SaharaGadge 2 жыл бұрын
Now, THIS is my level!! 👍 Can't believe you missed out cock-womble, jizz-weazle, gobshite, twat and wank-puffin... 😂 The BBC comedy "Bluestone 42" has some particularly creative swearing in it too... Not sure if it's still on iPlayer but well worth a watch. Also, find myself uttering "wind your neck in", "have a word with yourself" and "what a ball-ache" quite a lot. Especially at work! For the "as much use as...", "a screen door on a submarine", "condom machine in the Vatican" and "an ashtray on a motorcycle" always make me chuckle. I love the endless variety of insults we manufacture in the UK! Makes me proud of my country... 😂 🇬🇧
@glazersout4272 Ай бұрын
My dad used to say... "As much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition..."
@damienoneill4355 2 жыл бұрын
Hilarious. "Who rattled your cage" is a fav of mine
@tsrgoinc 2 жыл бұрын
My personal favourites are “They have a face like a smacked arse” and “you piss in the wind”
@josephb7863 2 жыл бұрын
You look like you dropped a pound and found a penny 🤨
@MeFreeBee 2 жыл бұрын
Also "Face like a bag of spanners"
@fourthdrawerdown6297 2 жыл бұрын
I have also heard: ‘ a face like a welders bench’ and ‘ a face like a burglars dog’.
@afpwebworks 2 жыл бұрын
My only Australian contribution to this highly entertaining discussion: “A face like a dropped pie”
@g8ymw Ай бұрын
Face like a half chewed Lion bar
@matc6221 2 жыл бұрын
Alanna saying WANKER, 🤣😁😂🤣 My sides . Gurl that's awesome 👏
@Bigsigh24 2 жыл бұрын
This was hilarious. One of my personal favs; " as much use as a barb wire toilet roll". Everyone has that nano second of wincing as they process the comment.
@julesjwg 2 жыл бұрын
I love that you nailed the fact that we can use exactly the same insult and phrase both in an 'endearing' way with friends/people we know well and actually as a proper insult...we get extremely creative throwing insults when we are driving and there's absolutely nothing endearing about how we mean it 😂
@thetwohundred5213 2 жыл бұрын
I've always liked the Darwinian term 'wank stain' when describing someone's usefulness to mankind.
@mittfh 2 жыл бұрын
"Take a long walk off a short pier." Then a few decades ago, a couple of writers were working on a space based sitcom, and they felt given the situation, the characters would likely swear. The slight hitch was that it was to be broadcast before the "watershed", when there are strict limits on swearing and "adult" content. Their workaround was to devise their own: smeg (not to be confused with an Italian domestic appliances manufacturer) - which also gave rise to the show's general purpose insult: Smeg head.
@SteveParkes-Sparko 2 жыл бұрын
I always felt uncomfortable whenever they said that - 'cos it actually sounds like 'smegma' which is something disgusting!
@nigel7277 2 жыл бұрын
@@SteveParkes-Sparko It was supposed to
@SteveParkes-Sparko 2 жыл бұрын
@@nigel7277 in that case, they didn't really make it up, did they?
@lorddarlo6194 2 жыл бұрын
Red Wharf absolute Classic
@phildavison319 2 жыл бұрын
"As popular as a turd in a swimming pool" or "As popular as a fart in a spacesuit".
@ilovevegimite 2 жыл бұрын
'as thick as two short planks' is another one
@douglastobor7718 2 жыл бұрын
When you bleeped out your favourites...”I laughed my bollocks off”....well said Alanna.😆👍😆
@sivikasi 2 жыл бұрын
Blackadder: “He’s about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house”. As a southerner living in Liverpool my favourite here is “he’s such a biff”, similar to “prat”. PS: gotta love some Malcolm Tucker. Plus British Alanna breaks my brain, but in a good way.
@loquayrocks 2 жыл бұрын
Bif is a shortened version of the Irish "Biffo" which means "Big ignorant fucker from Offaly" which former Irish Taoiseach Brian Cowan was often called (he was from Offaly)
@RobFarley74 2 жыл бұрын
About as useful as a handbrake on a boat
@hughtube5154 2 жыл бұрын
Are you saying Alanna's twisting your melon, man?
@sivikasi 2 жыл бұрын
@@hughtube5154 yup, should probably just chill m' bean
@martinclegg8536 2 жыл бұрын
"Bif" long antedates Brian Cowan; it refers to the condition spina bifida. I never heard it used to insult an actual disabled person; it was used to an able-bodied person as a general insult with the sense of "prat" or "idiot". Similar was "spaz", from "spastic". Do people still say these, they're so un-PC?
@jayrdee8542 2 жыл бұрын
I like using 'pranny', 'twonk', 'moose' and 'don't get out of your pram' (which means calm down. It comes from children getting out of their pram to throw a hissy fit).
@magicknight8412 5 күн бұрын
"That went down like a cup of sick/lead balloon" when someone reacts badly to something you tell them.
@xneurianx 2 жыл бұрын
I don't know how true this is for Canadians, but a lot of people are a bit shocked at how much the British swear; specifically how casually we are happy to drop C bombs at each other, with a suffix as an adjective, to describe inanimate objects or just as an expletive when you stub your toe etc. etc. We really are extremely foul mouthed. I think it's wonderful, personally!
@hughfranklin3072 2 жыл бұрын
Research says people that swear a lot have a big vocabulary, not sure if that's true but if it is my vocabulary must be mahoosive.
@jrd33 2 жыл бұрын
It really does vary a lot though. I know people who swear very rarely or only mildly, and people who really don't like it when other people swear around them.
@loquayrocks 2 жыл бұрын
you could call someone a Berk which is cockney rhyming slang "Berkshire Hunt" In Australia, the "C" word is used as a term of affection!
@RatKindler 2 жыл бұрын
I'm Canadian and I rarely hear swearing in public here where I am. People are generally considerate of others' sensitivities. By contrast, I went to New York and was shocked at how much public swearing went on. Never heard anything like that in other parts of the US or Canada.
@rebeccasimantov5476 2 жыл бұрын
I'm Australian and can confirm that we also swear heaps!!
@davidjones332 2 жыл бұрын
"Daft as a brush" has also long been popular in the North, but "thick as two short planks" and "daft as a box of frogs" are equally useful. I like "three tokens short of a pop-up toaster".
@nicholasjones7312 2 жыл бұрын
I Welsh there is something similar, which translates as “daft as a wheelbarrow”!
@zouzou8970 2 жыл бұрын
😂
@cogidubnus1953 2 жыл бұрын
A rather crude one, but "thick as pigshit" always comes easily to my lips...
@Will-nn6ux 2 жыл бұрын
Daft as a brush with two hairs on.
@zapkvr 2 жыл бұрын
A few cans short of a six pack.
@reckley 2 жыл бұрын
Did you have Billy big bollocks? It means someone who is acting tougher than they actually are. "Don't come over here, having a go all Billy big bollocks!"
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
Ahhh I forgot that one!
@greyman3515 2 жыл бұрын
The happiest I have ever been having someone throw insults at me for 9 minutes. You really are mastering life in the UK.
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
😂
@Davey-Boyd 2 жыл бұрын
Hearing Alanna swear and insult with a Canadian accent makes me very happy. If she insulted me I would die laughing. Great video!
@marvinc9994 2 жыл бұрын
"makes me very happy" What would Alana's taking part in a wet t-shirt competition (for charity, naturally) do for you, then ? Golly gosh...................................;-)
@rthompsn2007 2 жыл бұрын
@@marvinc9994 Don't be rude, dude.
@gib666 2 жыл бұрын
@@rthompsn2007 Well said.
@richard6440 2 жыл бұрын
@@rthompsn2007 Don't be rude, dude......... agreed , using language like golly gosh in front of a lady , disgusting. :)
@nickshale6926 2 жыл бұрын
A personal favourite for someone who gets overly emotional or couldn’t handle a situation: ‘Went to bits quicker than a leper in a wind tunnel’
@exileinderby51 2 жыл бұрын
I absolutely love that one, I've never heard it before,
@wolflair3329 2 жыл бұрын
That's brilliant. I'm gonna use it
@notreallydavid 2 жыл бұрын
lovely
@mentalmendes9367 2 жыл бұрын
Oh, thank you, I have never heard that one before, that is one to remember when management are running around like headless chicken when something has gone wrong at work.
@IMBlakeley 2 ай бұрын
I used to try an sneak a similar
@benspinks342 2 жыл бұрын
Love “40 watt”, and the Harry Enfield throwback, “Tim nice but dim”. In a conversation when you’re trying to get someone in charge it’s always fun to start with, “I’d like to speak to the organ grinder please, not the monkey” 😬.
@davidpowell8249 2 жыл бұрын
"Joy hoover" - someone who is depressing/sucks the joy out of the room.
@MyName-bi4pt 2 жыл бұрын
They say fun vacuum in America.
@raingram 2 жыл бұрын
See also: "energy vampire"
@mikesomerset6338 2 жыл бұрын
Have you noticed how polite Canadians sound even when they are trying to sound insulting.
@Daniel-pp3jt 2 жыл бұрын
When you put them all in a list like this I can't deny that we do have a lot of great insults.
@blakeguyan2662 2 жыл бұрын
also, you can use these to create complete sentences to tell people off: "go on then, sod off, leave me here like billy no mates.."
@okiwatashi2349 2 жыл бұрын
“You think you’re a big man, but a wee shirt fits ye!”
@alanmills9492 2 жыл бұрын
"Blimey, guv, she said wanker."
@martincook9795 2 жыл бұрын
“If he had a brain, he’d-be dangerous” Or as Billy Connolly said on Parkinson - “as useful as a fart in a spaceship”
@ftumschk 2 жыл бұрын
I think Connolly said "about as welcome as a fart in a space-suit", but I could be wrong.
@simonesugar7363 2 жыл бұрын
@@ftumschk you're right, I remember the other guests crying with laughter (I think it was either Mary or Barbara Woodhouse)
@martincook9795 2 жыл бұрын
@ftumschk: I stand corrected, and @Simone Sugarwasn’t one of them Angie Dickinson ( police woman )
@peebee143 2 жыл бұрын
He has: All the tact & subtlety of a pirate boarding party. She has: All the grace & charm of a road accident.
@Dunkster23 2 жыл бұрын
I love calling people a “donut” or a “silly sausage” here in Canada. I get the strangest looks. Hearing this made me particularly homesick. Great videos as usual!
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
Ahh silly sausage is a good one! Forgot that
@theodavis4083 2 жыл бұрын
Mainly a London thing but you can refer to an attractive woman as a 'sausage' as in tasty, fanciable etc. Not a silly sausage though, that would be silly.
@rheostar 2 жыл бұрын
There’s some rhyming slang phrases that are quite useful, “He’s a bit of a James Hunt” springs to mind. 😉
@ExpendableRedshirt 2 жыл бұрын
Actually, that is also the supposed origin of the insult "berk" short for Berkshire hunt! So a "wise" man in a pub once told me.
@rheostar 2 жыл бұрын
@@ExpendableRedshirt that’s probably right. I can remember my father saying someone was ‘a bit of berk’ many years before James Hunt became famous.
@simonpowell2559 2 жыл бұрын
"Smells like a Richard the third"
@alanknuss1241 2 жыл бұрын
Going for a pony (pony and trap, cr*p)
@heathcotepursuit8 2 жыл бұрын
There are so many ways of calling someone's intelligence into question - 'He's about as bright as a two watt bulb' is one that always made me smile, though this may be fast becoming old fashioned due to the phasing out of traditional lightbulbs !
@howey935 2 жыл бұрын
I like the lights are on but no one is home
@allenjenkins7947 2 жыл бұрын
There's an older version of that among ex-service men and women "Dim as a NAAFI candle."
@louiem2 2 жыл бұрын
"Billy no mates" is a classic 🤣 Others: "You're a sandwich short of a picnic" "Face like a slapped arse" "Bullet"
@radamspse 2 жыл бұрын
"Nigel no friends " is another take on Billy.......
@billmayor8567 2 жыл бұрын
“what a tosspot”.”He/ she would start a fight in an empty room”.”go take a jump”.If he had two brain cells ,he would be dangerous “😂😂
@19Paul91 2 жыл бұрын
I like the phrases, "couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery" or "Couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque" for people who are incompetent.
@darrenmilo9565 2 жыл бұрын
My dad used to say “if brains were chocolate, you wouldn’t have enough to fill a smartie” which was effective and also similar to the chocolate teapot there are “as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle” I enjoy your obvious delight at these phrases more than the phrases themselves. Keep the observations coming, yours, Billy no mates 😆
@Rockdoc2174 2 жыл бұрын
In a similar vein : if brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your hat off.
@darrenmilo9565 2 жыл бұрын
@@Rockdoc2174 😂
@KenFullman 6 ай бұрын
@@Rockdoc2174There's also "If brains were taxable you'd get a rebate"
@chapettewhat5158 2 жыл бұрын
Another excellent phrase 'As randy as a dog in an artificial leg factory'
@pashvonderc381 2 жыл бұрын
“ I’ve seen more fat on a chip “ 👍😂😂😂
@James130141 2 жыл бұрын
I've seen more fat on a bone dice.
@reggy_h Жыл бұрын
"I've seen more fat on a butchers pencil". Used to common around here.
@cathygillies7271 2 жыл бұрын
Some Canadian insults -- 'one brick short of a load' 'crazy as a bag of hammers' 'as sticky as sh....' 'what a hoser' (for some reason many of our insults have to do with hockey)
@jodyv2783 2 жыл бұрын
“Bellend” is always a good one 😂
@ftumschk 2 жыл бұрын
One from childhood in the S. Wales valleys: "He's got the skin of his arse on his forehead" (meaning "He's in a grumpy mood")
@SaharaGadge 2 жыл бұрын
Forgot about "he's as thick as mince"! Also, the other day, someone pointed out the damage to the paintwork on my car and I said it had "more chips than a fat bloke's dinner plate". I was quite proud of that one... 😂
@nickjeffery536 2 жыл бұрын
Many years ago, I worked with a young lady from Ukraine, who had married a Brit, and whose personal favourite English word was "Numpty" - it sounded really weird, but kinda interesting, in her accent!
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
I love numpty! A lot of fun to say, too
@jamesdowling9759 2 жыл бұрын
As useful as a handbrake on a canoe is personal favourite of mine.
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
😂
@pauldrake8990 2 жыл бұрын
Or a trap door in a canoe!
@DCMamvcivmEvony 2 жыл бұрын
God tier, Boris Johnson at the London assembly as mayor of London and once again in parliament, "Great supine protoplasmic invertebrate jellies!" Aka they have no backbone. 😂😂
@alansevern290 2 жыл бұрын
One of my favourite insults to demonstrate how utterly useless someone is, is "you're about as much use as a eunuch in a brothel" 😂
@10pmixupuk65 2 жыл бұрын
One of my favourites is: he/she "couldn't find his/her arse with both hands!"
@davidknight9758 2 жыл бұрын
Oh I love that one. I think I first heard it in a Terry Pratchett book. I wonder if he came to with it.
@katfoster845 2 жыл бұрын
Couldn't find his arse with both hands and a map.
@NicholasTristram 2 жыл бұрын
One my dad used frequently... 'your as useful as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition'.
@Rosie6857 2 жыл бұрын
@@NicholasTristram Couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo, for the athletically challenged.
@GemDotThirteen 2 жыл бұрын
Hahahahaha... that was amazing 😂😂😂 This is why we can't start swear jars in the UK, people get too creative with their insults! 😂
@user-sx9wc3ie7e 2 жыл бұрын
Hello, how are you? I found your name and I follow the Canadian news by chance and I wanted to talk to you because I like the culture and life there very much and maybe we can be friends and I wait for your reply with all due respect
@fourthdrawerdown6297 2 жыл бұрын
My Dad would sometimes describe a person as being ‘ like a fart in a trance’ and he once said that the broadcaster Simon Mayo did not have two brains to rub together. My favourite is f**kwit. I have also heard that adding the word ‘ virgin ‘ at the end of your insult makes a comeback even more difficult.
@hassanmahmood3591 2 жыл бұрын
"You're about as useful as a split condom" is my favourite🤣
@chrisis6 2 жыл бұрын
In Scotland there's a convention of typing phonetically to convey the accent giving us such gems as Bawbag which has the added benefit of defeating most profanity filters.
@eadweard. 2 жыл бұрын
It's like that is it fannybaws?
@Isleofskye 2 жыл бұрын
I don't know what you are saying but it sounds mighty saucy...
@eadweard. 2 жыл бұрын
@@Isleofskye Is that said to the dictionary man?
@Isleofskye 2 жыл бұрын
@@eadweard. Plagiarism at its finest, Sir :) You are spot-on, my friend. by Hugh Laurie's character...
@Forest_Fifer 2 жыл бұрын
@@eadweard. awa' and take yer face for a shite... 😉
@ianrudd7442 2 жыл бұрын
On a similar theme ‘as much use as a chocolate fireguard’ is one of my most used.
@adrianstafford321 2 жыл бұрын
Or ashtray on a motorbike. Stay safe, 😎❤✌
@robclaridge6236 2 жыл бұрын
As much use as Anne Franks drum kit. I know it's wrong, but it always gets the most awkward of laughs. How delightful to hear you swear too. Loved it lol.
@hairyairey 2 жыл бұрын
I had to think about that one for ages!
@TheDaveBarlow 2 күн бұрын
As much use as a one legged man in an arse kicking competition
@philwestwater5020 2 жыл бұрын
In the UK all these insults are just part of daily routine, no one thinks twice about them, but listening to you describing them is hilarious and makes me appreciate how good we are at the art of insults, using such diverse vocabulary.
@neilfletcher3868 2 жыл бұрын
This made me laugh, and I remember one of me gran’s, “He’s too tight to part with the fart off his arse”. it’s rude I guess, but always brings a smile to me face..!! 😂
@AdventuresAndNaps 2 жыл бұрын
oh my god 😂
@neilfletcher3868 2 жыл бұрын
@@AdventuresAndNaps To which your reply should of course be... “Aye, he’s as tight as a duck’s arse, and that’s watertight...!! “. Probably best done in a Northern accent though..!! 😂
@jonmccormick602 2 жыл бұрын
In the days pre-decimalisation (yes, I do remember that far back…), “tuppence short of a shilling” was a popular insult. Quite frankly, “wanker” does it for me…indeed, I used it only this morning to a gentleman on the phone who told me he was from Microsoft and that I had a virus on my PC…”piss off, you scamming wanker!” Great video, Alanna, keep ‘em coming!
@herewardthewake1 2 жыл бұрын
Referring to someone who doesn't understand (being a bit dim) 'the lights are on but there's nobody home'.
@darrenq 2 жыл бұрын
A long time ago when I worked at Safeways I tricked one of the manager’s to ask on the store announcement system if there is a ‘Wayne Kerr’ in the store and could they please come to the front by the checkouts. I couldn’t believe it when he did it. Strangely I didn’t last long there after that.
@simonesugar7363 2 жыл бұрын
it must be something about Gateways/Safeways, pranks in store when I worked there after school were:- sending someone to the store manager for a long weight. (manager had a sense of humour told him to wait there and left him standing outside the office for 10 mins), a new employee on the deli counter was told to sharpen the cheese wires, they even sent one lad out to sweep the skip!
@allenjenkins7947 2 жыл бұрын
Almost as bad as looking for Mike Hunt.
@simonnewby1215 2 жыл бұрын
"Thicker than a whale omelette" "Walloper" - love this from our Scottish cousins
@andybennett3964 Ай бұрын
As its summer now, how about "wetter than an otters pocket" you may have to ask about that one.🤭
@raybenstead2548 Ай бұрын
Tighter than a ducks arse.
@geoffwheadon2897 2 жыл бұрын
I've used this many a time, referring to watching women park, whilst leaning on my jack hammer, talking to a copper, "couldn't poke a stick up a dogs arse", talk about the laughing policeman, hahaha.best regards from County Durham England
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