1. Other- They have a pattern of taking their own and other's feelings seriously 2. Self- The sharing you're doing is appropriate to the context of your relationship 3. Other- They've been receptive to small vulnerabilities in the past 4. Relationship- the vulnerability balance between the two of you is roughly equal 5. Self- You are aware of how your vulnerability may impact the other 6. Other- They have a history of being firm and kind in asserting their boundaries 7. Self- You are aware of your boundaries and are able to reinforce them in real time 8. Other- They tell you that they are open to you sharing with them 9. Self- You have a self-care plan in place if something goes wrong 10. Self- You are comfortable alternating the role of secure base in the relationship Watch the video to learn more!

I've not heard the term "reckless vulnerability" before but that is such a great way to describe the phenomenon! I was doing this for years with someone who was scared of vulnerability, without realizing what I was really doing, and now I can see why it was a very messy and painful disaster for us both. Also the realization that doing this is a way to try and get the other person to regulate our emotions. That gives me a lot more self awareness when I have the urge to overshare. Thank you for this!

Oh boy, this was eye opening! It provoked a “flashback tour” of my most embarrassing oversharing episodes in life. Thanks, Heidi. I now have a new and clear framework for sharing and responding to shares.

1. Other- They have a pattern of taking their own and other's feelings seriously 2:58 2. Self- The sharing you're doing is appropriate to the context of your relationship 4:17 3. Other- They've been receptive to small vulnerabilities in the past 7:26 4. Relationship- the vulnerability balance between the two of you is roughly equal 9:09 5. Self- You are aware of how your vulnerability may impact the other 10:38 6. Other- They have a history of being firm and kind in asserting their boundaries 12:09 7. Self- You are aware of your boundaries and are able to reinforce them in real time 13:43 8. Other- They tell you that they are open to you sharing with them 15:41 9. Self- You have a self-care plan in place if something goes wrong 16:23 10. Self- You are comfortable alternating the role of secure base in the relationship 17:52

I NEEDED THIS THANK YOU SO MUCH. i really like all your videos and so look forward to hearing your perspective. i think i will have healthier relationships and a better life because of you.

I love how clearly, concisely and compassionately you articulate these concepts and information. Thank you ❤️

Green flags - so refreshing and life-affirming as opposed to red flags! Love and learn so much from your content - you are a brilliant communicator, educator and a favourite KZfaqr. Sending you all my respect...! xo

Heidi, this is worth more than GOLD. Thank you. For someone who's never had exposure to vulnerability except on Full House and try trying to navigate friendship & vulnerability, this step by step is incredibly valuable.

This is the video I didn’t know I needed. Sooo many lack of green flags in my last relationship I wasn’t able to put my finger on. Thank you for sharing your gift of articulate insight with us. ❤

Heidi Priebe: "So you may be a little bit prone to over-disclosing and over-trusting people with your vulnerability..." Me (Fearful Avoidant): "That's me. Every time. I'm always way too vulnerable, way too early with people." My Therapists' Voice In My Head: "No! That's NOT you."

I realize I often I share/overshare when it's not safe to do so. Maybe I struggle feeling invisible and not feeling heard and seen. But realizing not practicing discernment, as you mentioned, amplifies these feelings. I really do need to work on self- regulation. I do my best to truly listen to friends, but I sense sometimes some of them tune me out. Maybe that is a sign they have reached their limit. I once had a good friend tell me I obsessively ruminate and don't come up with solutions to my problems. I was hurt as I was going through a difficult time and perhaps there is truth to the rumination but after that it was hard for me to be completely open with her, not because of what she said but how it was said. I felt judged and pathologized.

Another great talk. Thank you, Heidi. When you say knowing when it's appropriate to "take a step back" to us avoidant types, i hope you emphasize the self awareness that lets us distinguish between a situational need to step back for a short time and a protest behavior that might trigger a partner's protest behavior and escalate into a rupture.

it's great to see you uploading more content again! I found you several months ago as I had been in a pretty deep part of my life dealing with recognizing my anxious attachment vs dating a more avoidant person. Anyhow the main purpose for this comment is simply to thank you! As I mentioned I was in the thick of really becoming informed on the complexity of attachment trauma, and the how, what, why, of which your videos have been a HUGE part of me becoming aware and educated in the best of way's. I was on a binge watching your older videos and when I caught up, I titrated as a form of processing and integrating what I learned, further diving into my own current period/journey of how this was showing up for me. accessing a game plan on way's to work towards becoming more secure. I just am now as we speak sort of reaching back after a "break" although it wasn't a break because I had been putting more action into the work rather than retaining more info. if that makes sense. Anywho, I can ramble lol. I love context. But again, thank you SO much for the quality of videos you have/are putting out. Among my quest of this anxious attachment journey to becoming more regulated and secure, your videos offered a very special and unique language that no one else has offered. ❤

Watching your videos and self reflecting after watching them is a practice of self love for me ❤ The topics you make videos about are so unique yet so practical :)

I would love a video about co worker dynamics, along the lines of today conversation. I find myself not being vulnerable to a coworker bc I don’t want her to open up to me. She has a lot of trauma and the first few weeks I listened and steered the conversation away, and at times I just intentionally steer clear of her. Other co workers who respect that it’s a professional space and I don’t want to listen to complaints and trauma, I am happy to open up with more. Bc when they share its vulnerable not an attempt at free therapy. I know many people myself included who could use a crash course in professional manners with co workers and creating cohesion and flow in the workplace

All are awesome advices, most of them I follow and they help me to get connected with people. I can even add another green flag - you don't depend much on the person you are sharing with. But I got a feeling like there is something wrong with all of them at the core. The thing is, when you do all of them perfectly, you will Avoid being vulnerable. Don't you think? I think you can't be safe and vulnerable. You can't control the situation from multiple angles and be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means to risk. To risk that your relationship will be asymmetrical. To risk that the other person can react unpredictably. To risk that your sharing can lead you to unpredictable emotions and actions. To risk that if the other person won't help you will be screwed for a few days. Why risk? Because this is how life works, you can't get much if you risk nothing. "The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions." (c) A. Adler. And that doesn't mean that you need to risk it all, of course you should to know how to get from a relationship if they are screwed. You should to know how to get yourself from a week long emotional crisys. And so on. The more you know the more you can risk. May be this is what is meant by "safe vulnerability", but for some reason I heard something different :)

Wow, I've never in my life met a person that would pass those checks. No wonder me being vulnerable with people had bad consequences. I wonder where do I find healthy people like that?

As always, Heidi... superb! Thanks for what you do!

Excellent and helpful at showing where I am and where I am not being secure and aware. Love your work- thank you soo much!

I really really need to hear this teaching and then rehear it again and again until it sticks in my brain. As someone whose primary attachment is anxious, I tend to blurt things out and share my trauma way too easily. I really need to vet people before I open up like that, because it is extremely painful when people are dismissive of your feelings and what you've been through. It's also extremely painful when people try to act like they've been through a similar experience when their experience was very different. I have been basically alone for the last 3 or 4 years, and I mean literally alone. All I would do is go to work and come back home and watch TV or KZfaq videos. I don't even have a relationship with my two remaining family members, because they are verbally abusive to me. I was hiding away after I had some relationship trauma. But I shared about being alone to someone I consider an old friend (not a close friend), and they made it seem like they had been alone too since they care for their children alone all day until their husband comes home. They had also been attending church and other social outings this entire time, plus seeing their family. But for some reason they felt the need to say that they had been through the same thing as me. It is extremely invalidating and I wish I never opened up about the pain to them. I feel confused as to why they would equivocate their situation to mine, I'm not sure if they're doing that to make me feel less alone, or if they are simply callous and I should not share things with them again. People are scary and i am gunshy due to past experiences. I don't like how much I can let someone's reaction to me affect how I feel about myself. It is my least favorite part of being anxiously attached.

This was super helpful! Love the empowerment I feel after this!

Could you also share what a boundary is NOT? For example, some people use the language of mental health or psychology to evade accountability. They pretend to assert a "boundary", but it's actually a manipulation tactic which is designed to shield them from accountability when they have done something harmful. An example would be: A man avoiding conversation/communication after perpetrating sexual violence in his intimate relationships with women or punishing/abusing them for not complying and then - asking them for "space" to process everything (his own hurtful/disrespectful behavior). Could you speak on the misuse of psychological language? Or how to recognize manipulation?

I already know this is going to be good. Thank you for your content Heidi ❤ you have helped me so much in my healing.

One thing I keep thinking about when I hear “have other things to do and people to turn to”: military folks. We are CONSTANTLY moving, sometimes internationally, and so are our friends and support systems. It takes me about 3-4 months to get comfortable in a new area and feel like I have independent interests and friends and hobbies, etc. There’s a LOT that can happen in my relationship within those 3-4 months, and when those things happen, it can feel really lonely and I’m left feeling lost about where to go and what to do. This is worse when I’m international, there’s a language barrier that brings anxiety, my friends are in vastly different time zones…. And my home-hobbies don’t exactly provide much space. What then?

love the green flag angle....perfectly positive.

We always talk from a perspective of a new relationship, but people grow in relationships. Like I did not know how to reinforce my boundaries earlier but now I know and very clear on. So considering growth as a back and forth action (because I went back and forth a lot of times to reach here) taking mini steps one at a time…. Can you please do a separate video of conversations around that.

This is a great video, and a very thoughtful presentation. You make a lot of connections to how we can work with our attachment styles to find relationships that support us. Thanks so much!

I'm glad you make helpful, informative videos instead of making clickbait nonsense

3 weeks l watched this video, and while l may have subconsciously remembered it, it was not consciously on my mind. Thanks, there are so many good valuable measures here to assess behavior from your own and another person’s perspective.

Thank you so much for this video. Feels like a more specific road map. I've had a lot of people demand I be more vulnerable immediately and use "avoidant" as a pejorative when I say no or want to be cautious and slow moving around this. Thanks again.

Hi Heidi! You the best!! Thanks for sharing!

I’m always delighted when you post new videos. Thanks for your continued work and deep understanding. I really will finish the ENFP bootcamp lol.

Thank you so much. I appreciate these videos that help identify what secure dynamics look like because they're still not as familiar.

This is a perfect framework to interface with human units, thank you!

I am an INTP and this is not a place where one would find an INTP. But having an inferior Fe, it makes me very humble to see how people are so mature in terms of feelings in general. And Heidi is one among them. I think you are an INFJ. I used to choose apathy or my Ti dissection whenever I am vulnerable. I came to the conclusion that feeling is more intelligent than thinking. So its time for me to stay feeling vulnerable listening to this video rather than running away from it. Its time that I mature my feelings. Thank you Heidi for the impossible mission of breaking down the feelings so that this dumb INTP can also somewhat understand. :)

I turned to an online support group for help with some uncomfortable encounters. I got blitzed by a bully. I would not even repeat the destructive things that were said to me. It impacted my self esteem, and I lost all faith in the site, on which I had been a listener with good connections. I was given much loving support by my peers, but my heart is no longer in a place where I can be vulnerable.

This was honestly such an insightful video for me, as a super vulnerable / transparent type person who has been in a relationship for the last 2 1/2 years with my hardcore dismissive avoidant ex-boyfriend. We broke up 2 months ago. We're going to have a conversation in person and see each other in person this afternoon for the first time in 2 months, and this video came into my field at the exact perfect time. Thank You.

Thanks for this, Heidi! 🙂

I needed this 20 years ago! Thank you 🙏🏻

Awareness of my psychological issues and a desire to change them has always been separated for me. I am aware of the toxic traits I have (getting angry, being ignorant, etc) but I tend to not even WANT to get rid of them. And even deeper, I'm aware that I do these things because I do not want to 'conform to others'. Do you have or could you do a video on DESIRE to change psychological issues?

This was very informative! Thanks!!

I finally subscribed!

Ugh! Anxious leaning here, I’m totally guilty of being too vulnerable too fast.

Your videos are fascinating, thank you!

You should have 8billion subscribers, not just 85k. I love you

🙏 Feeling really grateful to have stumbled upon your channel. Your content is incredibly helpful. Thank you.

Even if any of you had emotionally mature parents, I have no idea how anyone would learn this stuff to this level of maturity. They don't teach you this in school that's for sure 😂

Thank you for your insightful videos. On shared vulnerabilities, I have the impression that women are more likely to (over)share their emotions. Even when women in theory would like men to do the same, men who actually are vulnerable are in fact often seen as 'weak' or 'incapable to provide stability in the relationship' by those same women. This can make women feel anxious. It could be interesting to add to the video how men and women can show their vulnerabilities in different ways.

I must say that vulnerability is important. But there is a point where you get bombarded with vulnerability my previous relationship was such that he would nonstop. Talk on and on. And never let me talk about anything. He told me about his previous divorces. he told me about, His problems with his son, he told me about his problems at work. But when it came to me, he never asked. But, on the other hand, when we had a disagreement, he would get all worked up and leave. To the point where he would not speak to me for some times a month or so and then I still had a hard time getting information from him. From what you said about fearful avoidance, I think this guy was over the top and heading towards being a covert narcissist I don’t like using all those words, but because I am not a counselor or a psychologist, but he seem to be very confused constantly about everything. He couldn’t decide whether he wants to break up or not, he didn’t want me to be his partner, but then another time he would want me to be his partner …. and he was verbally abusive telling me he could have two 32 year olds instead of me. Or I don’t do it for him. since it was a long distance relationship, I suspected he was dating others when he wasn’t with me. I caught him online several times. II DO NOT want to make this mistake again in my next relationship. I was with him for almost 5 years. What a waste Thank you for your videos.

This is just So good, thank you

Saw your INTJ ENFP vid with Joyce and it was really informative & enjoyable :). Good relationship vid btw.

Thank you for this invaluable video.

Soooo helpful. In my 20s I was an intimacy addict and would “go there” immediately. Then I scaled it back and built a wall. Now in my 40s I recognize it’s a cooperation, trust and progress.

This is amazing and I come back to it often when I make new friendships. Thank you.

i have someone with whom almost all of these "green flags" are present, but i have had some worry about number 6 at 12:12. as in i thought he hadn't stated any clear or direct boundaries (or i haven't been aware of any) although i have been fairly kindly upfront about mine (im working on that area). and it made me worry a little bit. and as you have mentioned, i DID notice some pulling back more than before without much explanation. i didnt ask too directly about it, but i definitely have been concerned. how can i ask or bring up that concern of asking if someone feels safe kindly placing boundaries with me or telling me if something i did made them uncomfortable, without seeming like im assuming anything? or without accidentally being overbearing or anxious or making them even more uncomfortable? and by "assuming" i mean.. since nothing was stated clearly, this is all technically a guess in my mind still. and i don't want to seem like im assuming things in an anxiously preoccupied way.. which i think isn't so healthy?

I love you girl.. i really like your videos.. i love the way you introduce issues and get into them

I love your content, I just went through a traumatic divorce and your videos are helping me so much on my growth journey

Thanks, heidi 😊 Do you discuss anywhere about how to have a non-vulnerable relationship that's still rewarding (in a different way?). In other words, a more superficial relationship that's still healthy? I have family/friends that arent open to vulnerability, for various reasons, but I still enjoy aspects of them and dont want to kick them to the curb. But I find myself having a hard time staying in more surface level territory. I'll slip into looking for something more (when I know I wont find it), then get upset. Maybe this is more of an issue with not getting enough emotional intimacy in other places, but still curious on your thoughts in another video!

On one hand, hearing most of your points, I'm like easier said than done. For instance, when one overshares on second date, they (pronounced: I) do it because it seems to be the perfect moment doing so. On the other hand, better said than not because otherwise I'm so clueless what I need to be better at, what I should think more about and what less.

This channel has provided more information about how I work than the therapist I've been going to for the past year.

Hi Heidi, great video as always. I do wish you would give an example for a scenario that displays point number 7 in your opinion

Wow love you you’re videos have been God sent and so on time for me literally going into these new relationships I feel like I’m becoming more aware and growing as an individual

So helpfull, thankyou Haido🎉

I can't tell which of the two characters in point 1 is more safe to be vulnerable with. Why is one more mature than the other? They both have valid points.

What do you do when you've come to understand that nobody in your life quite hits all of these "green flags," but you love them and they're important to you? I don't want to throw away the good parts of these friendships but I also want to put my energy into friendships where vulnerability seems possible. I'm not sure.

This is excellent

This is good and helpful.

This is very helpful, Thank You.❤

Wow... The last part about not being/wanting an equal relationship really hit the nail on the head... How so you describe it when one doesnt want to share, as opposed to someone who someone wgo doesnt want to comfort the other?

This is why people need to use their own account, instead of all using one account. You might be talking to someone you feel you can talk about things, then there is someone else on the account, accusing you of over -sharing.

What about my use of over sharing my vulnerability in an effort to push someone away? It is almost like a test for me to see if I will scare them away….. I always feel like some of my past, if it came out too late in a relationship would scare someone away that maybe I would be getting very fond of and then I would end up regretting not sharing sooner. But, with the current partner, it seems to make him like me even more. And as--I think an anxious avoidant--it scares me for someone to care about me and know my emotions--because I am supposed to handle everything myself (in my learning) and because I feel real pressure to change what I am aware of, but I still struggle to change.

Fantastic information

GURLLLLLLLLL I WISH I HAD THIS VIDEO LAST YEAR LOL

Do you think you would be able to make a video talking in depth about the uneven give and share of vulnerability dynamic?

How are we supposed to know if they are being open and honest instead of just playing us? They look the same to me.

Could you make a video on how to soothe ourselves

Wonderful, as usual!

i have trouble resolving conflicts and tensions with some of my friends. i know it's probably not that emotionally safe for me to bring up difficult feelings and memories around the relationship. but i feel like the longer i wait to talk about it (ive already waited too long), the tension just grows bigger and bigger and the friendships get worse and worse. is there a way to resolve these things and save friendships, without too much vulnerable talking?

Ohhh I need to re evaluate so much

The last couple of weeks my cptsd was really triggered by a relationship I was having with a dismissive avoidant. So I went over to another friend's house and I was extremely anxious and I talked about my trauma. Isn't there space for people being able to meet us in our weakness and help us to emotionally regulate when we're overwhelmed by our PTSD symptoms? not to do that to the person all the time, but isn't that something that a caring person would be able to do for you?

This was really difficult for me to watch. It seems like basic concepts that other people must know readily. And something I’m just learning now in my 40s.

i wish you you did more examples of people who are married for an extended period of time... it will help greatly thankyou.

Can you make more INFP content soon? You're the best, your channel is absolutely amazing!

Some of this was like, “yeah! Crushing..” and other parts were like, 😅🤔

My son: I think that is a sign of social anxiety Me:😮 where have u heard of social anxiety My Son: I listen to those videos with that Heidi lady even if I act bored 😂😂😂

Hi. You mention support groups a lot in many videos. Could you possibly give some pointers in how to find good ones? Especially ones that deal with separation and divorce and codependency issues. Thank you. 😁

Btw how do you convey to someone that you've reached your bandwidth limit for intense emotional conversations

What is vulnerable self sharing? 😮

Is reckless vulnerability kind of like using emotional enmeshment to bond someone to you? (posted this before you started talking about enmeshment in the video).

It's a bit off topic but Heidi, is it possible to have partial fearful avoidant style? I relate to fearful avoidant attachment style in certain aspects and I relate to secure attachment style in certain other aspects.

Yup! All of this!

Self-trust challenge Day25

I wanna tap the "like" button on this into oblivion.

A lot of truth bombs in this one!!!!

Thank you thank you thank you 🤍 We love you 🫶🫶🫶

Hmm.. found that 1st example about the friend with the “air of superiority” kind of disturbing… is it really that “emotionally immature” to tell a friend that they should probably disclose their feelings/ major incompatibility issues to the person they’re dating (instead of keeping it quiet and potentially leading them on?). In light of #4, obviously that relationship lacked a “balance of vulnerability” since one person disclosed their desires and the other refused to do the same for a pretty obvious reason (except they then went and disclosed their true feelings to other people not in the relationship)… kind of sounds like you’re recommending that everyone only honestly open up to people when it benefits us or we know they will agree with us… sometimes getting called out by a friend is a good way to grow and learn to be a more honest/direct/considerate person

Mic drop

It all sounds too hard, argh...

I found all sorts of ways to share feelings with my borderline partner, before her recovery. For example, physical intimacy was impossible most of the time - however, if a rival female came into sight, i would no longer be chastised for 'staring' at my partner but was granted an extended display of feminine beauty and was allowed to approach and caress her. I wouldn't acknowledge the existence of any female other than my princess. If i encountered an emotional issue, i would find a parallel in her own experience which i would then introduce during conversation. When this gelled i would subtly imply how this was relevant to my position. This worked like a dream, in her case, because she would never feel to have been criticised, and could perceive that she may be at fault, but the shame had been bypassed - she would be very agreeable and always made ammends. Eventually we restored full intimacy.

What about these flags being an interference to the exhilaration of letting nature take it's course and allowing chemistry to do it's thing?