We felt fear and then not as we were told the situation wasn’t real I deal with shame and have difficulty processing situations With emotions Why the shame? Maybe feeling it is wrong to feel what we feel when told it isn’t happening Heidi Great topic Am going to watch it again Super thanks!!!

Everything you're saying about this attachment type is so insightful, I keep commenting on every video haha. What you're describing is exactly what happened in my last relationship.

Powerful. Your Limerence videos scrolled into my feed when I most needed them. They explain why I would eventually resent, judge or be disappointed by someone as the relationship progressed. A pattern I just realized until now, and now I know why. Their real selves would clash against the fantasy image I had created in my head. And no you're not rambling, just reiterating very important points. From this point on I will (do my best to) accept others for whole they are. To add to your point, the more I accept others for who they really are, the more I noticed I would also accept myself for who I really am. Appreciate it.

So true. My self esteem is far improved from what it was 10 years ago, and it hurts to think at how I hurt people without realizing it, not being able to conceive of me possibly having that kind of role or influence in a situation.

Trying to heal through research is literally all I do all the time, lmao. If I'm in an emotionally or socially complex situation and don't know what to do, my first instinct is to retreat and Google it

Btw have you ever thought of doing ASMR? Your whole vibe screams it - extra bag? Also, you could combine astrology and ASMR.. like just doing it in the same format or whatnot

Recently I’ve been in spirals of panic but some of your videos have genuinely calmed me down and made a lot of sense.

Wait a sec.. i dont understand. I’ve listened to this three or four times now and I don’t get how if one person changes the other one will compensate?? And that that could make that other one whose compensating, triggered?? But it’s not as if each realizes that they need to fill that void what each person wants is for them to heal for the other person so if one is doing the work, the other one would more likely just sit back they would not compensate they’d be happy with it. The person who’s doing the Work is the one who would move on or suffer….

I just remember feeling invisible as a child. Which felt necessary when you're the youngest of 4 siblings and your father has a drinking problem and a severe temper. If I had emotions, mum was too busy and dad too absent or cold to help. The irony is that I became the biggest, physically.

Can I just say thank you so much for filming this concept and posting this. I found it immeasurably helpful!!! Truly. Thank you again.

I cannot process with emotions and logic simultaneously and I always thought this was normal. Your info has been very helpful

I've been seeing this video for moments and I just had this inkling that I wasn't quite ready for it...but it is such a big help. I've b33n wondering for months how do I literally and physically take action in working on myself emotionally. What would the ENFP community do without you HP?

I struggle with this a lot, didn’t know what it was called though, so thank you

I’m going to keep trying. Thank you.

Perfect and this concept of Limerence also shows up in our belief about the character traits of those we are "family" to in our lives. We so want to have "family" even when those types of relationships are short and hard to come by, I can see how we or they could project something that is not there. Very interesting.

Your work is completely life altering in the best of ways. Like oh, it's not that I'm not disciplined, the problem is motivating through meanness. Or with some of your other videos like oh, I'm not evil/bad because I'm resentful and angry, I'm resentful and angry because I have a slew of unconscious unmet needs. Thank you. Literally crying over here! 😭 I had a coach I hired tell me 'continuing these behaviors once you notice them are evil' and punished by the V.A. mental health staff because I refused to try any more psychiatric drugs and continued to smoke weed... And after all these years of trying to find some real help here it is. It really means a lot.

Heidi, I haven’t been able to find any videos from you about how to actually heal a fearful avoidant attachment style though I’ve seen the “signs you’re healing one” , is this because it’s not possible? Lol please lmk it would be a great help if you could offer any methods

I love how you present and think and help so many of us Heidi. This video left me much more hopeful as I continue to work on living my best life. 😍

Ugh so much pain…

The key is "good therapist"

Astounding video. So detailed and explanatory. I came here by chance, believing me and my wife might have this dynamic. The last year has been unbelievably stressful. She was diagnosed with a chronic illness, unable to work, feels more vulnerable than ever, and her anxious neediness sometimes feels like an additional demand on me, on top of cooking, cleaning, housework, work and study. But then I was surprised to learn that the role-swapping of "needy" and "stable" between partners is a healthy behaviour. We've always done this, and usually I am the "stable" one but when things really pile up, I have to withdraw from normal functioning and rest, which she will see and then step in to shoulder some of the stress. Your video definitely clarified things for me.

I have an enfp guy friend who used to be very loved by our friend group and he is a good guy. But lately people have been calling him a dog and a player and unethical bc of how he is treating girls. I don't think he is doing it with mal intent I think he likes having options and isn't ready to make a choice. He has a big heart lol. I'm afraid that people labelling him in that negative way will just make it worse. He used to be so pure and fun and humble. Idk how to help and I know I can't control his actions. Any advice though? (I am one of the girls being "played")

are u my mommy?

Do we like each other? Got here and then left. Attachment issues are always at the front causing more problems first 😀

This is the most compassionate and logical presentation of all the aspects.

I'm very thankful for your videos 🤙

Thank you for this video. I've struggled with all 5, although I've made progress. My situation right now is particularly hard with some of these because I'm in a marriage with a very avoidant person who is teetering on whether or not he wants to stay married and has been talking a lot about divorce. (I don't want to divorce and I'm fully invested in the relationship still) I've been doing #5 you talked about pretty badly lately especially. If it were just me I think I could tackle my own abandonment issues and act more secure and let him go if he decides to contribute to stay avoidant/neglectful and won't rise to the occasion. BUT, we have 3 kids and another unplanned baby on the way... and it's so hard for me to grapple with the possible reality of them losing their dad and me taking on the immense challenge of becoming a single parent. It feels like my kids having their dad in the home is hanging largely on me and how I interact with him right now, so I'm doing everything I can to better myself and meet his needs while expecting little from him. I know I'm having some codependent thoughts and behaviors with this all. 😞 Very rarely have I come across these types self-help attachment videos and had them address the complexity that is involved when romantic partners have children together. I wish more videos were made addressing these types of issues (attachment, codependency, relationships, etc) when there are children and real life complexities surrounding marriage in the picture.

Child self is freaking out right now. Anxiety, shortness of breath, tears. You are so right. My mom regulated for me for so long, I don't know how to do it on my own. As a child I anxiously wanted my avoidant father. My mother soothed and smothered me. Mom and I were always together, dad left when I was adding 18. Mom and I were together most of my adult life till I got married at 38. (I was so smothered by her I couldn't wait to get away, but I married and avoidant. ) I still call my mom every day because I still rely on her to make me feel better. I have relied on my partner to make me feel secure and now I'm learning that my inner child has these reliance issues because she never learned how to be responsible for her own feelings and security. I've always relied on external validation and shelter. Child self feels terrified because of the emotional abandonment from dad that we never got past and we married someone exactly emotionally like dad, but who also cares about me, so she's super confused. I don't even know where to start with this mess, but I'm thankful to have had a light shown on it. 😢 Help....

I was secure while my avoidant partner started pulling away. I gave her space and freedom, but expressed my needs in a secure way as I felt she was not there for me anymore. She told me everything was ok until she eventually broke up. I dont know what I did wrong.

I’ve related to everything you’ve taught and it’s helped tremendously to know I’m not abnormal and that my feelings and thoughts are validated even if most of the world won’t understand them. Thank you! 😊 I don’t know if you take recommendations- but I’ve been struggling with getting much worse before (hopefully) getting better. Do you have a video on that? Because it feels hopeless and overwhelming enough to want to quit.

Combine you with my therapist and my spiritual self.Work I promise you by the end of this journey or at least during the journey because I know that there is no end.I believe I may be able to like teleport, levitate.And understand everyone through telepathy and know myself.So well that I will reach Nirvana.Or something. Thank you

I grew up people pleasing and never knew how to ask for help or even knew what my needs are. Most of the time I’m now avoiding people who pressure or expect things of me. Idk if this is toxic or not? Someone tell me?

Should it matter the age yeara of experience and case's they are currently handling, and how long should the end point be?

It’s just hard not to think I’m a fearful avoidant when all the check marks are there.

You are very wise, especially for your age. Wow...

Envisioning the scapegoat role in a family gets far more complex when there are 7 children. In a way, there was a scapegoat AND two "junior scapegoats" in my family.

I can’t wait for part 2 of this as well as the undertaking responsibility video as a follow up to the overtaking one

I need to write it down as a Dictation… So new to this..

I am a few months in being securely attached, and it feels like life 2.0. I had a trainwreck of a childhood and started doing the work after 46 years, with the aid of a very able therapist. Now at 48 years I am awakened. Ending an unhealthy relationship, knowing which profession I truly love and aspire, discovering my true sexuality and the list keeps on going. Smiling day in day out, receiving smiles day in day out. I thought it would become boring, but none of that. My self confidence keeps going up and up. Your video's, along with others, and my therapist made it possible to rise up from the ashes. Man (or woman) it feels good being in control of your own life! And what you say is absolutely true! Problems don't go away. It's just you have to find/learn another way to handle them.

Now let’s talk about SEVERE AVOIDANTS. 😮

Self esteem= self efficacy + self respect; develop bigger self to be present in good and bad situations. Avoidant=competence+self reliance-emotional wellbeing ; Anxious=attune with feelings-cognition of seeing as autonomous independent selves; Secure=emotions aware, belief in self competence, ability to give love; 1. Take care of health, eat healthy, exercise to send message to inner child ,feel attractive self 2. Face challenges head-on without dissociating , learn to sit with and learn to integrate pain 3. Pick Intrinsically meaningful goals and show up, make it priority and complete them that your soul wants not just your cognition 4. When you make mistake, take time to understand yourself deeply without judgement. Understand deeper need. Self Love is at the root of understanding and understanding is at the root of self love. 5. Stop waiting to be saved from any circumstances. Self responsibility. 6. Start telling truth as often as humanly possible. Shame can’t stand being seen. 7. Start focusing on what you want to give instead of take from community. Be the flame not moth. Remembering things I can give back to become empowered. 8. Stay humble remembering that you are going to die. Do death meditation. 9. Refuse to play stupid games in life to not feel insecure. Good life is having deep meaningful connections, be in touch with yourself, what excites you/feel alive. Best things are free and next best things are very expensive. Aim for best thing and not second best. 10. Scope of awareness to what we can change. Be intentional as what you can change and show up there.

Thank you 🙏

Damn girl this video was everything lol

Every time I listen to your videos, you absolutely nail where I’m at. It’s a bit surreal 😂. Hope your dissertation went well. 🎉

🧡🧡

Thank you Heidi Priebe!❤ what a public service you are doing.

22:51 made my day. Seriously. Because I never realized this until now, because I deal with everything I've blocked over the last 24 years. And I'm lucky to have a workplace where my regional employer has a past with psychology, so she understands my situation wich was a great relief to hear this week.

I identify with both the avoidant & anxious attachment responses… it sort of flip flops for me, ping ponging from one to the other, ricochet would be a better word 🤔 semi out of control & charged. It depends on the circumstances how something plays out more or less anxious avoidant. It’s frustrating trying to catch it I hope it’ll start to flow with more ease the more I attempt bringing awareness to things ✨

Toxic shame is what's being done to people who were stupid enough to decide to be born as a white male. Especially in college.

I've said to myself those exact words, that I feel I poison other people and relationships with my emotional problems so it's better that I stay away from people. My fundamental feeling is that people are unpredictable and dangerous so I have to keep my distance from them, but I crave closeness so I put all my eggs into the relationship basket with one person. So much of this applies to me, it is very helpful thank you :)