"If you leave me, I'll kill myself" is so incredibly common, unfortunately.

What if the abuser is one of your parents? I mean you somehow need their help a littlebit at least

It's crazy how common abuse is, I use to coach tennis and one of the FIRST things that we learned was about abuse, and how to recognize it. It was really scary how common it was. Love how much quality content you guys put out, keep it up!

Most people are lucky to be able to even get away from the abuser. Some of us can't get away from them because we are forced to live with them, Like a sibling.

funny how my ex thought i was abusive when she did all of these things to me

Happy Sunday everyone! Today's videos is to help you recognize the signs of abuse!

Abuse can be: phisical, emotional, mental. 10 red flags of abuse (not complete): 1. Controling behaviour 2. Humiliates you (often in front of other people). 3. Guilt trips 4. Forces you to take responsibilty for their feelings (meant to push the victim to keep the abuser happy at all times) 5. Ultimatums 6. Physical violence 7. A bad temper (short fuse) 8. Forces you to do things you don't want to do 9. Constantly checks up on you 10. Picking a fight

I have lost my best friend because she is in an abusive relationship right now. This video only proves how bad her love interest is for her. My best friend has a depression because of the relationship and she has lost a lot of weight. I wanted to help her by telling her that she has to break up with her lover but she didn't listen to me because her lover talked about commiting suicide and stuff like that. Her "lover" told her that I (and other friends) were the "bad guys". Her partner created fake evidences to show how horrible I am and now my best friend won't even talk to me anymore. I can't do anything and I feel so helpless... I wrote her a "goodbye letter" where I talked about all the things that happened to her. I told her how important she was to me in the past and why her relationship is bad for her and that I hope that she will have a better future. After two long years of fighting for her and listening to all of her problems... that's all I could do in the end. And I hate it because we were friends for seven years and never got in an argument before. And I will never forgive her partner for destroying her.

I think the examples for "guilt trip are a bit vague". A statement beginning with "if you loved me, you wouldn't do this", isn't always abuse. For example, "if you loved me, you wouldn't beat me.", "if you loved me, you wouldn't belittle and bully me". I agree, it is a common tactic used by abusers, but it is too broad to say that abusive statements start with it.

Unfortunately, this sounds like my mother :(

This is really eye opening for me. I just thought my grandma was mean but, she does over half of the things on this list.

Why are most of these my parents?? 😂

I just realized I'm being emotionally and mentally abused by peers and family...

I just want to put this out here after reading some comments. These are NOT 100% signs of abuse. Everything shown here is highly dependent on the context, as some of these actions could be harmless to the other party. However, I do not disregard that these actions could be triggers, or red flags as stated, for people to be careful about and act upon it needed. A small recommendation to the team: try using more specific examples/scenarios so people won't misinterpret. Thank you for your work.

I was in an abusive room mate situation and its crazy how easy to stay in it and think you can handle it and shake it off but it really stays with you and damages you more than you think.

I have experienced this all forms of it starting with both my parents through to ex friends ex partner wonder why im weary of people. Not a trusting.

There already has been a video like this before. With a different title, as far as I recall.

The only problem is as long as they don't hurt you. The police won't do anything. An in some cases where it's your parents they can hit you and it's called "parental discipline"

My ex wouldn't let me leave a store until I tried on a dress I didn't want to wear, regardless of how uncomfortable I said he made me feel. When I did something he wasn't used to he would tell me it was weird and bring others into it saying "hey tell her this is weird! Look at this!" I'm a stay in kind of person, he would try to teach me how to do more outdoorsy things because he said he "wanted to make me an outdoor girl." This got to the point where I almost drowned after falling off a jet ski (I can't swim). Even though I was horrified, later that day he kept trying to make me go back into the lake so I could learn how to swim. I'm very glad emotional abuse gets acknowledged. I get worried that because I have not been physically threatened, I have no business speaking about my experiences.

my mom does all of these things

Could you make a video about jealousy? These videos have helped me understand mental illness and help others in ways I couldn't before, and jealousy is something that I see in myself that makes it harder to help those around me. I would love to have a better understanding of it and explanation for it. Thank you so much for making these videos.

Controlling is one of the best words to describe my dad. My mom suffered for years and I wasn't targeted most of the time. We knew he wouldn't take responsibility for his actions. Yeah, violence was one of the key factors. A bad temper just came with it. He only picked a fight with me one time when I unintentionally refused to give him control. I got really messed up. Years after that, he still tried to check in on us. But we're in a better position.

I love these videos. Its helped me get through a lot. Thank you

Thank you for referring to the abused as "the victim". I'm so tired of people normalizing and romanticizing these toxic behaviors.

What if that i have all 10 of those red flag sign, and even worse, they came from my closest of what i've known: my parents? And the end result.... i constantly on the edge, always see thing with negativity in it, always plans for the worst case scenario, and slowy have a mental break down that to the point, i almost only see thing through the scope of logic & order, not even care less on emotional aspect? I seriously broken down right now. I do sometime want to suicide... And i'm an introvert, but my parents want to seize control of every moment of my life. They blame me for not having any friend, yet they try to control my relationship around their way, which the way it head to NEVER end up well for me. When i want some peace in my life, they jump in and drag me around like somekind of... The only time i have my peace is when they left me alone and go out somewhere for more than 2 hrs without any care and ensure that either i have to follow them or sit home like a watchdog. They are dictative, sarcastic, Imposing and FORCE me do thing in their way. And at the end, when i fail or they fail, they all blame that on my head and use me as their stress relive... ... I swear if they find my comment here on KZfaq, my life is over. Please, help...

I thought these behaviors were sort of normal, but after more knowledge of what abuse is, I found that it was too late to fight because my step-father knows people. He manipulated people and blackmails them into doing what he wants. He’s a sociopath, from my opinion and observation, but he does show the qualities because he can be charming to outsiders and evil behind closed doors. Since I was 2 years old, I’ve been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused by him. Starting from burning my ring finger with a lighter to making me go down in a squat form, toes up, and arms up for hours. It still haunts me up to today(4 years after moving away)... My mother is still in a custody battle that seems like it’s never ending. A “bible belt state”, the lawyers say. Because it’s a bible belt state, the judge won’t help the kids because they believe both parents deserve to be parents. They don’t seem like they care about the children. My siblings want out. My used-to-step-dad says they can leave to their mom, but he’ll fight for them... he doesn’t care how they feel. He just wants to hurt my mother. He doesn’t even watch or hang out with his kids. What’s the point in relying in the government when they won’t help defend those who can’t?! I wish I had a way out when I was younger. I wish I knew it was wrong. I wish I knew I had a choice to tell someone. But, he guilt tripped me. Made me think he loved me as his own, but also humiliating me to my siblings, his brothers and sisters, and to his friends. I was a joke to them. They called me donkey because of my thighs. I wasn’t even unhealthy looking to be called that. I was actually below weight and the doctor tried to help us by coming to court. But, nothing worked because it’s a bible belt state. I wish I could do something to protect my siblings and help them. I hate not helping and knowing that they want out, but can’t get out...

What to do if you are the abuser but not consciously? I love my partner more that anything and support him and give him many love and security most of the times. But sometimes I find myself using some of these techniques on him. Usually bc I am not confident enough in myself.

Wow, it took me two years to realize that I was in an abusive relationship. I'm so thankful I'm out of it now!

I’m sad

My friend did most of these things. She was one year older then me. She made me feel so terrible and she was manipulative. Our friendship is now needed and I’m kinda glad it did because she made me feel like I was lost without her.

I definitely have one of these in my life. Its always my job to fix whatever is wrong with our relationship, but he has the anger and manipulative issues. Id instantly confess if I were in the wrong. Im not afraid to admit my wrongs

I didn’t know that some of these behaviors were abusive back then. Now I see why my ex broke up with me. I thought that having a bad temper, expressing your anger with words, telling her everything you think without prudence, checking up on your girlfriend, feeling jealousy and forcing other people to do things to get them out of their comfort zone, and kissing your loved one without warning; I thought those were normal behaviors in relationships. It’s hurts to admit that I was an abusive person, without meaning to. But now I know better and I have improved my beliefs about relationships, love and people.

Wow relatable especially when I’m going through it right now. And it’s my own mother

The scars from abuse can last a long time. Mid 40s and still struggling! Massive fear of abandonment. Insecure, anxious, depressed. My dad still finds ways to make sure he causes havoc in our families. I hold a lot of guilt for not being able to fix it. It’s a cycle! When he dies, we will all be able to breathe easy!

My gf does a lot of these things. We’ve been on and off for 5 years because of it. Earlier this year she started taking medication for her mental illnesses and she was back to her loving self. However, she hasn’t taken her meds and things are getting bad again. It doesn’t matter what I say or do. It sucks because I wanna marry her and have kids and grow old but dealing with her constant ups and downs(even though it is just mental illness) is exhausting. I don’t know what to do

I was in a bad friendship. They'd get mad when I slept instead of talking to them even though I had class the next day. They'd talk shit behind my back when mad at me and then tell me what they said, and the specific insults. When I was mad, they didn't try to help anything they just called me names and even telling me that this is why my parents didn't love me (a fear that I had shared with them). After that they continued to use personal stuff I shared with them against me. Even my eating disorder. They'd pick at little things and then call me abusive for getting upset at that. I told them I was done with them and they threatened to kill themselves and blew up my number and social medias. It was terrible. Worst thing is I miss them. Not saying that to be edgy or whatever it's just. You become dependant on someone for so long. Centre your world around them and it's just empty feeling now that they're gone. at the end of the day I'm glad I left though.

I just got out of an abusive 8 year relationship... I wish I had recognized a lot of red flags in the beginning. It's amazing how skilled abusers are at psychologically destroying their victims. Even though I have a restraining order he still finds a way to get messages to me that he's going to kill me and himself if he don't come back. Usually through family members or friends...sometimes he uses a text now number. Alternately guilt tripping and threatening. And the sad thing is, I feel like I need to help him because he can't help himself... I don't know. I'm not the person I once was... I miss that girl.

I hate guilt tripping. SO MUCH. I used to have a friend who did that to me when I'd hang out with other friends instead, or when I tried to set up boundaries. He'd also get me things to hang over my head if I ever did anything to piss him off. Needless to say, I'm not friends with him anymore. It's important to know that it's not JUST romantic relationships that can be toxic. Your friends and family can be toxic and abusive too, in these exact ways.

Been through everything in this video both irl and online.. Wish I've had seen these videos many many years ago.

I had a best friend who did this to me for 3-4 years. I went into the friendship with my own personaility, always willing to stand up for myself and walked out of it feeling guilty, high-strung, worn down, and like i had no voice. I finally stood up for myself and confronted him for his controlling ways and he, of course, got angry, wouldn't be held accountable for anything he had done to me. I blocked him, and he, of course, tried to get to me in every way possible, by texting me off of his sisters phone to call him asap, turned my other friend against me, and reached out to every single family member asking if IM ok, of course trying to play the innocent hero. People like that are vampires and will suck the life, confidence, and energy right out of you. It has been a year since I cut him out of my life, and I still suffer from the back lash of it all. I am slowly, but surely finding myself and my confidence again. Mental and emotional abuse can be just as severe as physical. Be careful who you let into your life.

Why does this sound like the type of parenting I see/have 24/7

Breaking, ruining or even killing things the victim loves or cares about is a big one that needs mentioning

I just realized my "friend" does almost all of these...

I got abused but I’ve changed so much . I’m so strong headed and self assured when it comes to the way people should treat me .

7/10 of these from my last partner... this is so important educationally! it's way too common not to be talked about... it's also good to try and check yourself if you feel like you're doing any of these and talk to your partner about a healthy solution

I used to be in an abusive relationship, and he did all of these things to me. But now I'm okay, I'm out of that relationship and with someone who really cares, and who would never think of hurting me. I'm so glad I got out of my old relationship.

I started watching trying to compare how unsupportive my upbringing had been, only to realize that I actually identify with the abuser on part 3 and 4. I'm glad that I'm now aware of it so I can make improvements.

A majority of these apply to someone I used to be friends with. He has a history of being abusive to his girlfriends, most of which end up cheating on him and leaving him, and he would always tell me about it and frame himself in a somewhat sympathetic light. It wasn’t until recently that I realized just how controlling and abusive he was, not just to his girlfriends, but to me as well. I’m honestly glad I stopped talking to him.

Also there’s no links in the description except buy a bracelet.

Been in two abusive relationships...it sucks. Im a recovering co-dependant which has a lot to do with how I grew up with an extremely co-dependant/controlling parent. I'm doing so much better now. I've gone to therapy and gained healthy friendships. I can enjoy my life without thinking everything wrong with the world and other people is my fault or responsibility. I'm much much happier now.

I've been guilty of some of these actions and didn't know until afterwards it was abusive. One namely, checking in on a girlfriend, I did have suspicions they were cheating on me and lied about where they were though. Unfortunately, I was right. However, any thoughts on how to decerne between good and bad relationships? So one doesn't become an abuser in the first place?

Every time i watch any of these, they are always on point to the T and paints the pictures of my everyday current life...I watch them to show myself its not me..

I agree with all but still I won't take all of those signals literally every day. If I had someone telling me they would kill themselves I wouldn't abandon them right away even if I recognize that attitude as manipulation. George Carlin said: "between no freedom and total freedom I choose total freedom" well I rather have total equilibrium. Sometimes I feel obligated to help someone notice their own faults. Also we live in a economic system were so many people are abused constantly and nobody cares...I care and I choose what I tolerate from other people. Society will "rightfully" and "lawfully" ungodly mistreat some people just because they are poor for example. I think honestly if we recognize ever single of these signals as abuse and immediately proceed to abandon that person I'd say it's outright selfish. There are many degrees of abuse. Some people do not intend to abuse but they have no experience on expression or had insufficient parents so got a messed up personality. I think it's an asshole move to just abandon people that need help developing themselves. I agree with this video and I can recognize most signals, but I plan act on them by making the other person understand and not by demonizing without explain the reason.

I used to suffer from emotional abuse from a friend. I knew the friendship was toxic, and I don't talk with them anymore, but I never knew it was _abuse._ I never imagined that I would say "I used to suffer from abuse" at any point in my life. It's shocking. It explains my current behavior with friendships, my low self-esteem, it explains everything.

"Please don't make any sudden moves, you don't know the half of the abuse."

I just got out of a toxic relationship, they were always blaming all there negative emotions on me and bringing me down. They also didn’t like when I hung out with my friend and got upset when I left her alone to do something. I finally ended our relationship, but she tried one last time texting me if “we could still talk” I just said something like “ I’m trying to get rid of negativity in my life to be happier” she got super mad and was interrogating me through texting and guilt tripping while doing so. I’m much happier now that I’m not with her, and I can finally have fun with my friends

So..... parents?

Things like this caused me to always have random angry outbursts. If you have it too, meditate and go do something you love.

The part about the cops always makes me cringe. I called and begged them to send me someone to take me to a shelter after having been choked and having my life threatened only moments before. When the cops got there, they arrested ME instead! Maybe it's because it was in a predominantly white neighborhood and my skin is brown while his is white. Or, maybe it was because he was waiting for them outside and gave them his lie of a sob story. Most likely, it was all of the above. Either way, depending on the situation and demographics involved - I would avoid calling the cops. Instead, I would do whatever it takes to get up, get out on your own two feet (literally) and just run. Run until you're someplace safe with your wallet and your phone and THEN call someplace for help. And think hard about whether or not calling the cops immidiately is going to do you any good. I do suggest that once you are safely far away from your abuser that you file for a restraining order if need be.

I wish I would have seen this when I was being abused. I started to develop abusive tendencies after that period of my life and I'm trying so hard to make it stop. This resource is really amazing for victims, thank you. This would have helped me so much

My ex was an emotional and sexual abuser. Glad I left him.

I have a "friend" who fits almost all 10 of these signs. She uses me as a punching bag, sometimes when we're just walking and talking she randomly starts hitting me. Once, I told her to stop because it hurt me, and she refused to stop repeatedly, so I ran away from her and kicked less than 1cm of mud onto her pants. She started yelling that it looked like she pooped herself and did the same to me, and then said "now we're even". She blames everything on everyone but herself because everyone is evil and overreacting and she supposedly never did anything wrong. I don't know how to tell her to stop or whether I should talk to an adult about this.

Do these count for parents? ‘cause my parents do like half of these things.

That’s sad that people can resort to being abusive like that.

I get that these are symptoms of abuse but a few of them are also linked with mental disorders. Like the one where the abuser checks up on the victim, that could just be a girl worried about her friend. Same thing with the abuser wanting to know where the victim is a lot. I understand that these can be flags for abuse, but a few people might begin to think they’re being abused, when they’re actually just getting worried or thought about a lot. Just a thought. 😊

This was my life for 3 hellish years. I didn't even realize how bad it was until I was able to escape my abuser and I didn't even realize it was abuse until I watched this video. I had all 10 of these things happen to me on a daily basis for 3 years. But I'm very thankful that it is over. I wish I realized how bad it was and got help. It probably would have ended sooner. I hope people who are going through an abusive relationship but aren't aware that it's abuse watch this video so they can get help. It would have helped me a lot if I saw it ealier.

I fight back!!!!!!! I'm tired of being in am un happy toxic relationship.

I was about to get into such relationship. But thanks to God I picked the first two signs mentioned here quite early and ended it right away. There is no need to waste time with such people. On the other hand, I pray to God to give him some understanding about his wrong behaviours.

The new art style is great!

As much as I love my dad, he does these things to my mom . Mainly guilt tripping, calling my mom delusional, loud, and over emotional. He has a bad temper sometimes and makes everything her problem. This usually happens only when he’s off his anti-depressants. I worry for my brother because my dad’s been a huge jerk to him. Calling him worthless and not “man” enough.

Thank you

I almost lost one of my closest friends to this guy I was friends with. He stayed emotionally manipulating me into doing things my normal self wouldn’t do, and my whole group of family and friends kept telling me to drop him. And I didn’t. I didn’t listen to them. And now I’m paying the horrible consequences.

don't say call 911 they are too many narcissists and idiots who are watching this and get delusional that they are being abused!!

Problem with videos like this is you'll start to see abuse everywhere even if its not. Humans are complicated creatures and can't be boiled down in a simple 10 point list. It's important to know possible signs but its also important to know the difference between abuse and disagreements. I see and know too many people who cry abuse constantly as a means of control itself

My "father": **slaps me** Me: **tries to slap him back** My grandmother: **protects him from me**

My stepdad was like that. He raised me along with my mom, and never made my siblings and I feel like we weren't his. But he still made me afraid, and constantly psychologically terrorized us. Once, as a "prank, he told me that he and my mom decided that they couldn't take care of me anymore (I'm autistic) and that they were going to leave me at the psychiatric hospital my mom worked at. He only told me he was kidding when I cried. It only ever got physical a few times, really hard with a belt, but it was enough for make me constantly afraid of being hit again.

I love the intro!

My dad and grandma use to verbally/mentally abuse me. My dad’s brother and his family would tell me I didn’t belong in the family because I was a picky eater and because I’m mixed. I never knew why they were telling I didn’t belong in the family or why my dad and grandma were calling me things I didn’t know the meaning of because I was very young when they started doing this. In my preteen years I started understanding what they were doing. I got the courage to ask my grandma why does she call me names because it hurts my feelings. I told her about verbal abuse and she told me verbal abuse wasn’t real. Later I went to my dad and told him he I think he has anger issues and he needs helps (I did not mean to sound mean I probably should have worded it differently) he got so mad that he yelled a me for 5 hours straight. The next day before school I attempted to cut myself I just felt like enough was enough. I could not ask my dad or grandma for help because I would just end up getting yelled at or being called sassy and being told to shut up. The school counselor found about that I attempted to cut myself and called my dad to come get me. A year later I went back with my mom. I figured out my dad’s mother, his brother, and his brother’s family were racist so that why they would tell me I didn’t belong in the family. It’s been almost 2 years I’ve been away from them and I’m doing a lot better. I can finally practice piano and go dirt bike riding without having to worry about getting yelled at for messing up.

But by this definition almost everyone I've ever known is abusive... and yet I haven't called the police.

What happens if your friend is so obviously being abused, and you don’t know what to do? One of my friends has a sister who literally bullies him (calling him ugly). and he has a mom who NEEDS to keep track of EVERYTHING he is saying, and doing. I practically have to tell his mom what I’m talking to him about or else she yells at him or me. He is a 13 year old boy (I’m 12). If that all doesn’t say anything, he is skinny as a stick, they literally put a padlock on the fridge, and some cupboards, and only his sisters know the answer. His behaviour is also: shy, overly polite (asks if he is allowed to step outside of the room, or asks me to do simple tasks for him (like go to the fridge). I’ve asked him about what his parents do to him and he says: “Well, sometimes they yell at me for being different, and my sisters always do bad things to my, but my parents always take their side”, and things like: “one time a tree fell down by my house, and my parents yelled at me because they thought I did it”. Also, whenever he makes a new friend, they move him to a different school. I’m very confused about what to do (my mom was abused as a kid, and she said it raises a red flag).

"If you leave me, I'll kill myself" Somehow I highly doubt that

Many of these are exactly like my brother. I'm glad he will move out in a few years

Perfect timing :))))

My new room mate is picking fights with me and accusing me of motives and things that I didn't do and are not my choice or responsibility. I don't have any control over who rents here. I've been in this place for 6 years and have been helpful and giving to an unhealthy woman who I feel needs me. I go far beyond the extra mile. When I explained my part in the confrontation she, the owner, said that we are both the same. I feel trapped.

I told my ex that if she loved me, she wouldn't be cheating on me. She continued to cheat causing me to become insecure, paranoid, controlling, manipulative, eventually leading to a mental breakdown and constantly being angry and abusive... But I'm the one in the wrong, right(?) This video is absolute nonsense, with no real thinking into what causes people to become "abusive". Oh, and typical. It's a woman behind these videos. There's absolutely no baised mentality behind this, is there(?)

I wish I knew these signs sooner, but thank you for helping me realize the abusive friendship I was in.

I don't care about myself.

I feel so bad that those kinds of emotionally abusive things and logical fallacies are way too common, more than they're supposed to be. And I feel bad when the abusers are your parents, I wish I could just sacrifice myself for other people... If only that changed anything but it wouldn't.

Happy Mental Awareness Month

People should stop being too nice to each other. When you are unhappy but try to be nice, the result is only one. You either hurt yourself or hurt others because of pending up anger and unhappiness.

my childhood

My dad was very controling, and if you didn't do what you wants he won't talk to you, won't do anything for you. basicly disowned you if you don't do what he asks. and that is why I blocked him out of my life, because im 21 and I shouldn't have to put up with my dad trying to control me when I'm adult and can leave my own way.

Hi!

Crazy how horrible people can be..

Top 3 comments?

Every single thing, besides physical abuse, was my ex best friend who was also my roommate. I didn’t realize it for so long and it got out of hand. I’m glad that I finally realized and had a good support system because idk what would’ve happened if I stayed.

Don't blane OUR Red flag!!!

I always love the animations on your posts! They are a great way to communicate the ideas in a memorable and engaging way, especially for emotionally difficult subjects.

My cat jizzed on my foot just now wtf

Im in an abusive relationship for last three years, I tried so hard to get out of it, but I couldn't. I wish I have someone to talk to, someone to help me through this, someone who would listen to me... Thanks you for these vids it helps me a lot at least to understand what im going through