Why don't we learn about this in school? Healthy relationships are integral to a healthy and fulfilled life. It would save a lot of heartache and suffering.

My ex got with me because he saw I was a caretaker and he wanted to take out all of his anger at his mother at me, while still being taken care of like a literal child.

I have been told I am always angry. What they see is a mean person. In reality, I am a hurt person who puts up walls and defenses. I staunchly defend myself because no one defended me as a child.

“Trying to get blood from a stone is like the hallmark of codependency.”

I’m a hardcore stonewaller- confrontation is not my bag, if someone raises their voice at me I immediately begin shrinking into the back of my brain. You perfectly described the way I mentally check out when my partner is frustrated and wants to address it. He’s told me it feels as if he isn’t allowed to be angry, and I feel terrible that my trauma response has essentially erased his ability to freely express himself to me.

Doer feels resentment in the present that they *weren’t allowed* to feel in their family of origin 🤯 thank you so much

Awesome stuff Patrick. I am the aggressor and my partner is the codependent. Literally yesterday I said, “I think I’ve realized that every single time I think I’m mad at you, it is a completely irrational delusion, and I don’t want to do it anymore.” Now I have your video to help us on our journey. Thank you for everything you do.

Type 1: oh yes, that's us Type 2: yes, that's us Type 3: yes, us Type 4: yes also us Type 5: yes, us again LOL

My parents were 100% aggressor/codependent, and now I'm realizing I've been the "Doer" in a Doer/Tagalong marriage for 12 years. I've learned a lot about myself through therapy, and now that my husband has started doing some inner work, I'm so excited for us to make our way out of this dynamic! Thank you so much for your content.

Why is it so hard to find a therapist who really understands abusive family systems? It is such a prevalent form of trauma

Truth!🔥🙌🏻 I was adopted at 5, neglect, abuse, abandonment. My adoptive parents were awesome, I just couldn’t receive their love. I didn’t know how. Fast forward to 20, met an amazing man in college, got married and all hell broke loose. We were SO toxic. Yep. I was 💯 drawn to the covert Narcissistic personality. 🤦‍♀️ My mother was a covert Narc as well. years of more trauma, pain and self denial and self abandonment. Then I woke up. I’m 51 now, not a victim but a victor! I’m empowered to take care of my self and not expect someone else to meet my needs. I also stopped trying to control others to feel safe. Total freedom in my relationships with others now. It’s a beautiful thing to heal. To love myself. My husband of 31 years, yes! We’re still married!! He started the healing work in his own childhood trauma, and he’s also so much more free and truly is loving and kind and encourages me now not criticize. He’s a victor as well! Healing is an ongoing journey everyday. But, I choose to stay free and to finally be able to connect with others in a true, positive way. It’s so much better to be healing than stay sick. Thanku for your wisdom! You were a catalyst in my ongoing journey. Blessings!

As a very young child, growing up with a narcissistic mother and a family life riddled with alcohol abuse, I felt like an observer in a horror movie.

You're the best at Childhood Trauma. You should have a million subs... Oh wait...it takes BRAVE PEOPLE to actually address our Trauma.

I really notice how letting my partner have his feelings when he’s upset and patiently giving him time to come to me when he’s ready, has really helped our relationship.

Patrick, could you cover loneliness, bullying and peer rejection in childhood and the effects in adulthood? From what I’ve read, loneliness is a full-blown epidemic nowadays with negative effects compared to the effects of daily smoking and obesity. I’m wondering if we could hear your take on the matter.

In the begining, I was definitely the doer, while my fiance was the tag-along. I was the parentified child and my fiance was the scapegoat, who could never do anything right in his mother's eyes. We latched onto eachother at a young age. Any major changes in our lives were from my doing as he just road along. Once we finally sat down and talked things out, we've actually reversed roles. He is now the nurturer (taking charge and making choices) while I am being taken care of (no longer the parent in my relationships). This reverse of roles strengthened our relationship. We will eventually shift to more even roles, but we're currently comfortable taking on these roles that we were denied.

My best friend and I are 100% the stonewaller / chaser duo. I know this video is framed with couples in mind, but really it’s helpful for all kinds of close relationships (friends, partners, even siblings)!

This is so eye-opening. My parents are the aggressor/co-dependent type. It amazes me how much they can switch. Being a child to parents like this is so confusing. They had a way of victimizing themselves and pointing their finger at each other saying that one or the other are the toxic one. I’m so upset that my parents put me in that “savior” role as a kid because I had such a hard time with relationships, because I wanted to help people. I thought that that was how I could get love. I had no sense of boundaries or a healthy model of relationships, so I was subjected to some really toxic people that hurt me. But I began to realize that I have a choice to be hurt or not. And I’m still just trying to learn to be more accountable with myself and try not to be like my parents who had no sense of accountability.

I'm afraid I might be a covert aggressor. I don't try to be cold or moody, and I hate it when it happens every time. It definitely comes from PTSD from my terrible childhood, as any sign of negativity makes me petrified. I can't stand conflict, so I subconsciously use my emotions to turn it back on the other person. The thing that makes it even harder to control is that it's 100% emotional. I'm not being calculated in my actions, I legitimately feel like I need to shell up and grow spikes to survive I really need therapy 😞

#2 I'm definitely the doer, I grew up with extreme poverty, homelessness, substance abuse, mental and physical illness the whole 9 yards. My husband and I both have a decent understanding of our childhood trauma and he definitely can fall into the tag along trap. He uses video games as an escape and in all honesty when he doesn't do anything on his days off yet I clean the entire house even with my 40 hour work week part of me doesn't mind. I can't express the level of panic I feel when he does the dishes without me having to ask. It's like someone took away my use or utility and he'll realize I'm not that great afterall. We both try our best to correct our actions and talk openly and honestly about our issues but it's hard when you feel like your only worth in life is the things and services you can provide to others. I'm thankful that he spends a lot of time reminding me that I'm worth more than that for him.

Hi Patrick, I recently left an abusive relationship, in part due to watching your videos. Your content helped me to recognise the impact of my childhood trauma, and how it affected me staying in such an unhealthy relationship. Thank you for taking the time to post your content, especially as so many of us can't access therapy.

I get more out of your videos than in decades of therapy. Thank you Patrick. Gotta say it's hard going and I've been crying since about 2 minutes in. I know I will get there though.

"childhood trauma gets fixed by doing deep work on ourselves, not by replaying patterns with our partners" Bingo! Long before I understood the influence of childhood trauma on my life, I saw the patterns. I recognized I was the common denominator and understood that I was incapable of having a healthy relationship. I knew that unless I fixed whatever it was, within me, that the next relationship would be a repeat of the others. Thankfully, I found John Bradshaw's work and began to understand what had happened. I was in my 40's. Thank you for your work. Awareness is what we need to break the cycles.

I really appreciate reading the comments from people who identify as the "doer" role since I identify as the tag-along. The pain doers feel is foreign to me so I got a totally new perspective - I am jealous of doers because I would love to be able to do what they do. Instead I feel so inadequate trying to contribute because I always will be less competent than my partner, at everything, no matter how hard I try. He is hyper organized and efficient and I am hopelessly ADHD. As soon as I make a mistake about finances or something he will be frustrated and stop trusting me. I feel like in order for me to be an equal partner I have to be just as incredibly accomplished and competent as him and I know it's impossible. When he criticizes me I feel so worthless like "what even is the point of trying, I'll never be good enough anyway". It is 100 percent childhood trauma for both of us as I grew up with extreme physical and sexual abuse and he was the parentified golden child in an alcoholic home. We love each other deeply but it is so hard sometimes because we seem to get in these cycles where we trigger each other over and over

My god it’s like a breath of fresh air hearing about the doer/ tagalong. That is us 100% but I didn’t know that was a thing. When I tried to explain it in therapy, both my husband and therapist were just kinda shook that I said he is another child for me to manage. And then she kind of “took his side” so to speak, saying I should praise him for listening to podcasts about time management. The problem with me being a doer is I can’t even really do that. It’s so hard for me that I give up and get overwhelmed with it all. So I feel like I can’t even voice complaints that I’m a “doer”. The laundry and dishes aren’t even done! Oh well. We have made a ton of progress though. There’s just always work to do.

I was the stonewall! I still am sometime. For us, it works better with communication and compromise. I make the effort to verbalize the fact that I need 10 minutes alone to feel safe and then to come back to talk. This time also helps me to listen to myself, which I struggle with, when I’m triggered. And my partner makes the effort to accept this without chasing and worrying (I really love how she learned to handle it and the fact that she was able to explain to me what happens from her side). And I appreciated what Patrick said about the tolerance level, it was well explained. Actually, I need now less than 10 minutes or it happens that I’m ready to talk straight away. It’s like I have experimented that I can feel safe and my feeling can be respected.

This video made me realize that I always feel like a tag-along in friendships, and I feel guilty about it. I try to do more, but life gets in the way, and I see myself as a failure. I filled a schema therapy checklist, and I found out I have the schema of failure, that whatever I do is wrong, that I can't take care of myself, but I also realized I actually have a fight response to it. I end up doing everything on my own, and, when I look back, I realize the struggles I experience are due to lack of support. But, I still feel like a tag-along. I think this belief about me was re-enforced by both parents in some ways. Perhaps, in friendships, I become crushed by this belief, and the prophecy fulfills itself, or perhaps I end up narrating rifts in friendships as my failure to help people, not being good enough at things that seem to come easily to others.

This is the first time I've ever had the relationship dynamic "Doer/Tag along" described to me and man it hits home. I even did a quick search and yeah no one's really talking about this relationship type. My partner is the doer and is pretty frustrated with my tagging along nature. They're wonderful and want to see me rise to challenges and contribute to our life together. It's very validating to have a name for the dilemma ♥️

This was so brilliant. Please explore these dynamics more… You have a gift for explaining complex issues in a empathetic non polarized way. Love this content.

So much of this sounds familiar. Despite the fact that my parents do love each other in their own very weird way, they've been locked in a bitter, miserable, intractable power struggle of the first type since probably before I was born. Once I got so aggravated with my mom's constant complaining about my dad that I asked her, "So why don't you just leave him??" She thought for a minute & then said, "Well...then he would have won." Unsurprisingly I've never really wanted to get married & have a family myself.

I’m a stonewall and a doer. My trauma comes from having to be coparent to my siblings, dealing with a mentally abusive step father and sorta parenting/being best friends with my mother. I had to be the one pulling everyone up out of the depths of hell. So I feel like my worth is tied to doing for others all the time. Also having to be in control to survive. When others get angry (doesn’t even have to be towards me) I shut down. Thats the step dad part. I don’t know how to process the intense emotions I feel. It is almost like a dagger plunging into my heart. So I shut down and become mute. Literally can’t speak. I am getting better but wow it feels good to pinpoint what it is. Thank you Patrick! Your videos are really helping me figure stuff out! ❤

My marriage was this first one! He was horrifically abusive. I realize I had "married my mother"

Oof. Thank you. I have never seen my marital issues laid out so plainly. We are definitely the doer/tag along. I’ve never seen that dynamic talked about before.

I've observed a few of these relationships while growing up... I was personally involved in a couple of these relationships as well..now, at this stage of my healing, I don't date anyone who isn't doing inner work on themselves...this was a great description of these types of relationships and for healing tips, video. Thank you!

It's like im primed for a trauma bond, grafting to something, strategic and weaponized. To cling forever to the first person who is nice to me. And i know it. So i refuse to get close to anyone at all.

As always, you organized and illuminated so much relational chaos. Thank you for this webinar, Patrick.

I would love an in depth video for exercises on the doer/tag along relationship. This is exactly what my current partner feels like and I’m beginning to reach my end of being a doer. I think some exercises would be nice for me to do individually and maybe some as a couple to see if it’s repairable or not. Great video Patrick, thank you ❤️

I'm glad I viewed this, as it helped me feel like I was healing. As I described it to my partner, I respond to "ghosts" sometimes. I let him know I hadn't been through the best childhood, so that sometimes when I get upset, even if what he said caused a reaction to happen, I reassure him that the scale of the reaction isn't his fault. It's just me talking to ghosts. :)

I was the doer in a doer/tag along pair for 8 years. Had a kid with the guy. It got worse, because he now had completion for his attention and he screamed in agony to shout out the kid to gain access to my attention. He was also ashamed of his tag along role and thus put us both in complete isolation, as I was not allowed guests, our house wasn't good enough, nothing I did was good enough etc. It eventually became physically and mentally nonviable for me to be the sole doer as my health was failing and I had to choose whether my kid or him gets the attention. I chose the kid and he left. I was for sure enabling his behaviour. I actually believed I needed that guy... That as little as he contributed, it was better than alone. Nope.

You have incredible powers of observation and communication.

I was in a doer and tagalong relationship for 2.5 years. You've hit the nail on the head. I didn't realize he may have had childhood trauma until now. But I can see it, he definitely was babied by his mother. He was the favorite and lived with her until he was 25. She still washed his clothes and took care of his son more than he did. I left him because I refused to be a parent to him, his son and my daughter. I felt like a slave, and I wanted to be treated as an equal. I was so relieved once we broke up, despite being technically homeless. I was much better off parenting my daughter alone than having to parent all 3 of them. He never cleaned, or cooked or anything. He always expected praise because he "kept the kids alive today". Literally he'd say that to me and expect me to say "great job" 🙄 It took a coworker pointing out to me that I did everything for our family, and I worked full time with regular overtime. He barely did anything and only worked about 20 hours a week, for me to realize the imbalance. I requested him to help more and do things like take out the trash when it was full. But that was too much for him to do. Truthfully, I'm not sure how he and his son lived in that house after I left. As far I know he isn't or wasn't at the time capable of doing anything for himself much less a 4 year old.

I was in a relationship for 11 years that traversed SO many of these dynamics. Do'er/Tagalong, Aggresor/codependent, Stonewall/Chaser, and did a little of getting the band back together also. It was half him, half me. I wasn't raised around healthy couples, there was an absence of ANY couples in my life combined with what I consider unhealthy cultural beliefs. It was constantly reinforced to me that he was, "a nice person" and implied that I was the problem, especially when I reacted in frustration or anger at his lack of initiative, stonewalling, etc. There's also the common refrain that,"This is how men are".😫 I had to be the one to end it.

My cupcake story with an Absorber: During the 2008 recession, I decided to prepare for layoff at my job and open a consignment store. Ex gradually became supportive, then so helpful with IT skills and helped with set up. But at Grand Opening, I came to find that all of my ex's friends were congratulating HER as if she opened the store and so glad that I was there to support...at end of party, she insisted all of her friend's should take the food and cupcakes that I BOUGHT! Wow!

"the aggressors work is to really look at how their family of origin set them up to not value or honor intimacy" Wow....that just hit me like a blow to the face. I have been doing childhood trauma work now for a year and this is the first time I have seen this concept and it rings true in the depth of my soul. Thank you for this illumination.

Patrick, you have been an absolute well of information for me. If you could please please do a video on relationships with partners in denial about the connection to their own childhood? For example, a partner who says "I already did my work and put that to rest" when in actuality, they're still ruled by their own trauma responses..I hope this lands. Thank you so much for your content!!

I love this video- my favorite that you’ve ever done! I love that you specially steer people AWAY from couples therapy at first. People who are codependent sometimes have this fantasy that couples therapy can fix anything. I think it’s a good litmus test of a relationship, if both people are willing to do their own separate work on their childhoods.

Great info not only for romantic couples, but friendships. Getting some perspective on why I found myself (a slightly absorbent codependent) miserable in a couple of enmeshed friendships, and how I could’ve better handled some situations. Thank you, Patrick.

I married my father. He was indifferent, apathetic, but the husband could also be physically abusive. I refused to play the role of my mother; sufficed to say been divorced over thirty years. If loving him was wrong, thank God I learned to move on.

My grandparents played a big role in the family system and I grew up as if I have had 4 parents. Feels tough to untangle and this helps immensely. I've been the golden child then also a scapegoat and infantilized and parentified at the same time too. I could identify both me and my caregivers in 3 roles at once! I've been mostly the codependent, tag along and absorber in relationships. Increadibly helpful. Tied a lot of stuff together for me rn. Another huge part of the mozaic comes into place. Thank you!!

This is the best most helpful video I’ve ever come across so far! I’m 67. I’m going to listen to this over and over. There’s tons of help here in this video! Thank you SO very much for making such content available! You are one in a billion!😊👍

This hits home so much for me. I see so much of this in myself and also in the people that I have been with. Also, it seems like I attract people with childhood trauma and vice versa. Almost like I’m extremely attracted to them but somehow, I don’t attract “normal” people. All of this makes a lot of sense and it leaves a lot of breadcrumbs to work on. But heck, it’s also exhausting… it feels like it’s too much and maybe it’s better to be single forever…

Hardcore #2 doer/tag-along. I was a big-time tag-along and felt almost blind-sided and victimized by how unhappy my doer boyfriend was. We're still together, but on a break, taking time to reflect in hopes of making the relationship healthier. We both have childhood trauma and grew up in different countries :')

Doer/tag was the most exhausting and frustrating relationship for me. Even though its over, its nice to be able to look back at my own wrongdoings in the relationship and work on myself for the future

My husband once told me that the person who cares the least has the most control. My kids’ pediatrician told me upon meeting my husband that I really had four kids not three. He also talks to his family all about what goes on in our family and cannot make a decision without their in put. I’m standing right there with my thoughts, but those are not relevant.

I was the unconscious 'doer' in the #2 Doer/ Tag Along. I'm a product of an alcoholic home my husband from an absurd controlling single mother upbringing. It took a while but once our child was born the one thing we both KNEW was that we did not want our child to grow up in the emotional environment we at that time. With mindful conversations and both of us holding ourselves accountable for our words and action plus therapy, we were [and continue] to make great progress. More than anything I want my child to have healthy relationships and experiences, I want them to have the 'normal' I cried and longed for during my chaotic childhood.

Patrick, this is such a GREAT video! I wish that everybody was taught this information in school because all I see *everywhere* are people (including myself) unconsciously reacting to the unresolved trauma in their lives! Only now can I see that my lack of insight about my traumas kept me LOCKED in an aggressor/codependent marriage. We were together for 25 years, but it really should have ended within the first 2 years ( and only lasted so long because I was shaped to be really excellent at smoothing and placating aggressors😢).

Wow! This is what we needed! My husband and I have been together for 21 years and have 4 kids. We both came from abusive families. What I got from this video is that we have both been all of them at different times over the years! Excluding the last couples dynamic. We have never broken up, never cheated, and always been able to work it out because we genuinely love each other. That's taken MOUNDS of effort from both of us! We are now in the next phase in our relationship where CPTSD is bubbling up and more annoying to deal with, on both ends, because we can see each others patterns. I'm so glad your videos came into my feed! We definitely need to sign up for your healing group. Just need to make it work financially and we are jumping on board! We are together till death do us part. Seriously, I love that man so dang much. ❤ and he loves me right back 😍

Patrick is genius at noticing, explaining, and presenting. Gift to us all. Anyway - I want to add that I saw patterns emerge in myself and my clients in specific DOMAINS - money, sex, housework, planning, socializing and more. I also noticed that you can SEE some patterns in how the house is decorated, what the calendar looks like, the visa statement...I am personally a money tag-along because money freaks me out, and the doer when it comes to planning. I always explained it as divided domains, but there is more to it I now realize when I look at the origin of the behavior as unconscious unresolved issues. I now think there is a way to divide labor but no one should have eyes shut and hands off the wheel even with divided domains.

Wow. I am a chaser. My dad died when I was 5 but I wasn’t told how, when I was 12 I found his suicide note and it definitely “changed everything”, with a traumatized and distant mother. Mind blown. This video really resonates. Thank you.

Wow this is massively helpful, I had a couple of lightbulb moments. I think it would be nice to have a more in-depth video on how to keep the door closed after breakups, it's so difficult when the inner child has so much love and selective memory for people from the past. Maybe journaling about the bad stuff could be helpful? Like keeping a list of why they were not good for us. As always, thank you so much for the amazing content!

Thank you so much for this info. It can be so hard to know what healthy relationships are supposed to be when you come from trauma.

Literally the BEST video on relationship dynamic systems

Apprehensively awaiting this one. 😬💚🧑‍🤝‍🧑

Lol how serendipitous for this to show up now…

Shared your videos with my therapist and he loved them now too ❤

As a woman on the life long journey in recovery and healing i just want to say thank you Patrick so very much for all of your work!! Much love and God bless!! ✨🙏😇✌️💖🕯️✨

Getting the band back together couple is such a hilarious name. This entire video really screamed at me bffr 😂 thank you for the help

The doer and the tagalong describes my husband and I perfectly until very recently when I suffered a series of difficult experiences, which seem to have paralyzed me. I thought I had overcome my childhood trauma/molestation/abuse. But now twenty some years after marriage, taking on far more than I could handle including too much at work, caring for my dying father, our own children, my pregnant sister and her children, death of my father, reoccurrence of seizures, loss of job, and then discovering my husband reoccurring infidelity… it all just feels like it has broken me. The courage, strength, and determination that got me through earlier just isn’t there anymore. I worked so hard to get where I am today and now it simply just feels pointless.

I feel like I had a relatively healthy upbringing and don’t feel like I have any significant childhood trauma but my husband (together 28 years/married 20) is definitely the aggressor and I have fallen into the codependent trauma bonded role. Not understanding that what was happening was abuse and now that I have finally realized it I feel so traumatized I can hardly function. My children keep me sane and out of depression, but I also (now that I know what I know) am seeing the signs of childhood trauma in both of them and I’m crushed that I stayed in this relationship for so long and dragged them along with me instead of protecting them. It’s been such a cycle of abuse, hoovering, promises to change and back again. All verbal, emotional psychological abusive behavior and me becoming eventually with time into a reactive abuser. If I don’t believe I have any childhood trauma to have entrapped myself into this type of relationship, how could I have allowed it to happen?

Thank you so much for such a clear description of the doer/tag along. My life! It’s a ridiculous situation. My parents were the same. I’m working to move beyond this… 😊

My last romantic relationship before meeting my wife was very much the aggressor/codependent dynamic. All the ones before were also unhealthy in different ways. Growing up, mother's wants/needs/feelings where all that mattered and dad avoided conflict with her by drinking beer and playing golf, so it's not hard to see where I got messed up ideas about what love looks like. Luckily, I got to a point where I'd matured and done enough work on myself that I stopped recreating those patterns.

Thank you Patrick!!! You spell out "ABUSE" so clearly!! I'm 64 and recently started dating a man who is real controlling. I'm a secure happy, healthy woman who has done the hard work to be secure. So after 4 months of dating I see clearly this man is toxic & emotionally unhealthy & immature. Don't want to change him but can't continue to accept his toxic trauma bonding ways. It's so sad. 🙁

This video made me cry, helping immensely in my healing and grieving process. Honest and validating. Thank you, Patrick ❤️

Thank you for all of your wisdom and encouragement to do the hard work. I’ve been with you now for over a year and just wanted to say thank you!

It’s interesting to hear this perspective. I’ve never thought or that form of “aggression “ as just that. I’ve found that in my last relationship, I was certainly that role because I was trying to get them to meet me half way and explain their actions. I would explain why I would act (react) in a way based on how they’re actions made me feel (or how I felt because of their actions), and I just wanted to know why they treated me the way they did. They never could. All they could say was that they would ignore me because of how I react, but I know better. My reactions didn’t come from nothing 🙄 And round and round we went

Amazing content! Sadly so much resonated but after years of really uncovering my own trauma and role in relationships I’m much healthier and more clear. This is outstanding content! You never stop learning, healing or growing so this is pertinent no matter where you are in your journey. Thank you so very much☺️❤️🙏

I started down the path of the Aggressor with my ex, but I also acted out the Stonewall dynamic a lot. We could talk about our traumas to an extent, so it was easy to mistake our dysfunction for progress because we were stuck between both. We tried a poly relationship and he eventually replaced me with someone else and I left when I realized it. I tried fighting my feelings of inadequacy and resisted the urge to act out because I believed I was solving my issues, but didn't know how to do that until my family finally started addressing their issues out in the open, finally helping me realize that I wasn't delusional as a child. My parents became the Absorber/Enabler. They couldn't know how aware I was that something felt wrong. I was too young to know it was dysfunctional, and eventually forgot how I started my own dysfunction. I learned how to bury my needs to play small and never questioned how broken that was, because I could see they were aware that something was wrong and simply followed along. All my adult relationships have been thirty years of trauma bonds. Nobody chose my actions for me, and I work through this in therapy. I am acutely aware of how someone can fall blindly into toxic habits.

Omg when you said the aggressor was raised to not value intimacy, my jaw dropped because that’s exactly why I broke up with my boyfriend. I loved him more than I loved any man, but he was the “aggressor” in the relationship, and his lack of intimacy is the one thing I couldn’t get past. I craved it so badly and he was unable to give it. You nailed this video! Thank you ❤️

My parents are a aggressor/codependent couple, and I'm in a 5years of marraige relationship which is also a trauma based relationship, researching to figure it out.... Thanks for all these information, I always watch your videos on KZfaq, on childhood trauma, I read your journals, whenever I feel puzzled, overwhelmed or unheard.. these really help me a lot.... I also share all these info with some of my friends, who are facing kind of same....

OMG Patrick no.5 had me 😭😭😭 My ex and I have just ended this relationship after 6 years. It was exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. Getting back together was falling in love all over again and again. Breaking up was reinforcing my abandonment wounds over and over. I couldn't understand why it kept happening. Now I understand it so much better. Thank you 🙌 We both have so much work to do separately. And possibly someday we can see if we are capable of being in a healthy relationship together.

OMG...right on time for Halloween!

Incredibly insightful. My emotionally abusive marriage had components of all 5 types. When I started processing my childhood trauma and holding boundaries, she saw herself out. I'm just astonished by how much your videos help me see behavior and thought patterns more clearly. Can't thank you enough

I had a complicated childhood, my custodial parent had NPD and for a while I had a step parent with it as well. I had different roles in different times depending on parental relationship status. Now I'm in a doer/tag along marriage, it's been 14 years and I've done a lot of inner work (and still working). My husband not so much (he's made some progress the last 4 years, but has avoided a lot too), but we had a breakthrough the other day and I think he finally realizes what needs to happen. I'm hopeful and committed to supporting him while he takes on the responsibility of healing his trauma. I just found your channel recently and I think your videos will prove helpful for both of us. Thank you for the work you do.

I am definitely the flip side where my partner is anxious. This helped me understand my coping mechanisms and even though I could brainwash myself into thinking it’s justified to be cruel, it isn’t. I took years of therapy, medication and change. I had to learn that partnership *should* feel safe and that I’m worthy of it. I am engaged, and we are working constantly but never once became mean, screamed or let the other pass the others boundaries. It’s possible to change, I was reluctant because when I realized my problems I just thought “I’m awful what’s the point I’m unloveable” and my partner used to chase me, which kept the cycle to repeat. Healing is self love, and when you feel worthless you lose your will. The guilt is all consuming, but healing my childhood trauma was the root. I am worthy of love, and am a good partner. Healing is the hardest thing to do but my god beyond worth it. I began living.

I just happened to choose this video tonight and it must be serendipity. Prior to watching the video, I was composing an email in my head to send off to my ex. "Magical Thinking" is our habit and we've been doing it for 8 years, sometimes with years in-between. Getting back together is pure bliss...until it's not. Neither of us ever tries to stop it. Watching this video has stopped me in my tracks. I stopped composing the email. I have been in therapy off and on for years, and I've recently discovered EMDR. Patrick, in one week's time of watching your videos, I have learned more about myself and my family structure than I have in all my years of therapy. EMDR is helping considerably and your videos supplement my therapy beautifully. You are a gifted therapist. Thank you!

A powerful video! I immediately recognized my parents in the aggressor/codependent example. And there I was with my ex-husband in your second example as the doer/tag-along. It is both enlightening and educational, but also painful.

Well done my friend. This info could change so many lives. I plan to share it thank you so much.

This was so good!! I think it would be really great if you did a separate video for each type of trauma-based relationship. Extremely educational and helpful!!

I would love an in-depth video about each of these types! Thank you for your incredibly helpful content 💕

It’s crazy listening to this and, it not so much modeling any romantic relationships I’ve had but each of the examples mirrors many of my platonic relationships. With my trauma I can be different with different people so I wear so many hats and it’s surprising how much these examples speak to me.

Please do a video on role switching. 😅 it helped me understand what " you are loving others as you are loving yourself." Observe what role people are playing and how i relate to them, to see how I relate to that part in me. This couple video helped me put words on things i saw in my childhood. Thank you.

AN ABSOLUTE BANGER SIR THANK YOU ((literally forwarding to all my friends))

My parents set the example of being the aggressor/codependent relationship, while being victims of growing up in dysfunctional homes themselves, though my maternal grandparents were more the example of the tag along example. My mother got mixed messages from her parents as a kid, while my dad retreated into fantasy and bad-timing humor to escape the constant fighting at home, with our paternal grandfather turning to alcohol to numb it all out. But my parents actually did worse than their parents, because at least their respective parents didn't resort to physical violence to control the other, like our mother did to our dad, and, sad thing is, they're still married, because they wouldn't know what to do otherwise. They really should've done us a favor and divorced before we kids came along, because they ended up dragging us along into their sorry situation. This is why divorce exists. It was no treat being a child growing up in a scary house of constant chaos, hearing our parents call each other all of these ugly words and the crazy accusations. It's not always kind to stay together "for the kids," and they were too busy screaming at each other to focus on us kids unless it was to punish us, anyway. They got married for the wrong reasons, and even tried couples therapy, but absolutely nothing could be fixed, and it's infuriating how they had almost 10 years to get divorced before we were born, but they decided that a baby can somehow shoulder the burden and fix their adult problems for them. Obviously, I couldn't. Nor did I care, since my home situation affected my behavior and performance at school, so I had my own problems to worry about. Then there were additional fights at home between my parents over who was responsible for how "bad" I turned out, so I felt horrible all the time. Also, no matter how badly he got treated and hated her for it, my dad would still enable our mother due to "peace at any price," even though a lot of the time it came with the price of invalidating us kids. My sister and I were additionally pitted against one another as rivals growing up, made much worse due to our closeness in age, and, growing up witnessing how our parents "talked" to each other, we fought like a urinals, which only caused more explosions at home behind closed doors. No surprise to admit that both my sister and I can't tell the difference between a basic kind gesture vs love, and that we've also struggled our whole lives in aggressor/codependent relationships ourselves, with us being the albeit unintentional aggressors with rules and preferences for everything. I think we're worse than our parents, too, because I haven't noticed that we also tend to stonewall at times in addition to that. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to get married and chose, at a very early age, to never have children of my own.

Thanks so much, Patrick. Your work on childhood trauma has been saving marriages, work lives, and lives. For the past 7 days, my sister and brother-in-law are in a heated marital conflict situation. As a post-grad in clinical psychology who has done a lot of inner work over the period of years in my own marriage, I know how much of my marital conflicts are a result of being raised in a highly dysfunctional family. But neither my sister nor BIL have these insights. I was worried about them but I didn't know how I can be of any help. They are family members and I had no intention of either taking sides or stepping into the role of being their therapist. Being forced into playing the role of a parent to my one year younger sister is one of my childhood wounds. This video is EXACTLY what I was hoping to find. I will pass this on to them with a request of not coming back to me with the specifics of their stories but to work on their own with the help of insights revealed in this video. This is such an accurate and insightful video about childhood trauma's lingering effects on adult relationships.

This video not only resonated, these types are an epiphany. I'm so glad you're making videos, thank you!

Thank you. With the shutdowns, I've had trouble affording therapy, and you're videos have helped a great deal in filling the gap. I appreciate your choice to share your knowledge freely to help people.

Geez…I see parts of myself in all of these types to some extent. I haven’t been in a #5 situation but there certainly can be the temptation to contact an ex which can be hard to resist. I also recently realized I repeat the same unhealthy cycle when it comes to relationships so I’m working on trying to stop this from getting caught up in it again. Great video!

This is the first time I've heard anyone articulate the tag along situation...I have literally called this poor man the puppy my daughter brought me. They are 100 percent in this dynamic, I have pushed and given grace without actually knowing what is happening, but this helps so much. They are pregnant now so it's VERY MUCH TIME to figure out what's going on and how to help❤❤❤

Thank you for this video. So much self help info focuses on why you should leave a dysfunctioning relationship and far too little about how to make it functional.

Doer/tag-along is a dynamic I see a lot in my relationship. When it comes to cleaning, paying bills and keeping up with errands I'm a tag-along. When it comes to vacations, big purchases, weekend plans, dinner plans, home decorating I'm a big big Doer. And yeah, I get it, mine are sorta the fun ones...