They do not approach to find a diplomatic solution, they approach with an ultimatum that is clear in their scrawny mind but not in their words, and you are to satisfy the expectations, or else. The wolf and the lamb parabel.

Debby, it also took me a long time to figure out, that the chaos and confusion in my household were mostly created with intent by the all so demanding narc. They do not seek honesty and solution like normal people, but want to steal your time.

So true. I'm trying to leave my narc now!

I always learn something new from the comments on Dr C’s videos! You just clarified something I couldn’t put my finger on, that’s been going on for decades. It’s true, I guess; he doesn’t want to resolve and heal anything. That’s the only explanation for what’s been going on for decades, that really explains it all. I never thought of it as a deliberate thing on his part, but that makes more sense. Subconscious, probably, but deliberate, all the same.

Wow..so well pointed out and on point. Debby well done and thank you... It's really sad. LA

Godspeed!

Yes do it! I’ve been married 32 years and he’s still the same ...I’m doing the same now that I’ve built my confidence and forgiven him I have no attachment thank you Dr. Carter!!💕

Get out before they end up killing your spirit your mind and your soul

Get out while you still can.💖

Im always looking for hope but there isn't much left when you see so many people say 10, 20, 30, 40 years and they never change.. For me its the guilt of hurting our children, that keeps me from breaking free..

Good--glad you took your pets.

Yay! Today is a great day for you. Even if it doesn't feel that way. You will heal, you will. How are you? Do you have a place? Would love to hear from you when you are able to check in. You are a Badass Warrior Goddess!!! YOU GOT THIS!🙋🙋💖💝🏆💃💃💃💃💖💪 Remember, you are resilient and tough. You got this. You will have days you'll want to stay curled up under the covers. Don't do it. Make yourself get up. Force your mind to you and your needs right now. Your mind may wander into head flips and regret. Get your mind on you and your needs right now. You wil have the time for self reflection, grieving an illusion which is hard, and updating your map later. You have two goals to focus on at all times, plus your self care, and the pups 1.) Check where your mind is constantly. Do not allow yourself to think about anything in the past,l including yesterday, and force your mind back into you and doing what you need for you right now to become sheltered, have a safe space new bank account, change your address, to a safe at home option if you need to keep your address hidden. Focus on you and what is right in front of you right now. Make your mind obey you. 2. No contact now or ever if possible. This is the stage we go back. Don't believe it, Its just the promise of more wasted life and you getting older and incurring further damage mentally. I guarantee no fix is ever possible. Never. Just destruction to you...as you get older and miss opportunities to meet a good man. 3. Take care of you everyday. Control your mind to stay on you and your needs. That's your prime directive. If you keep training yourself to do this you will eventually master the discipline. You must get safe, settled, have a place to function from and get yourself organized, grocery shop, whatever financial and banking snd mail address you need. Then there's your job. Just get survival set up for whatever is practical for you, a month , a week. The way you worded your comment struck me as an unplanned escape. I did that. 4) I didn't have this refocussing tool to use. I use this often and was able to get on top of grief that has no end. It works. I wasted too much time healing. They are defective humans. They do not have a personality, they have a role, many of these. The act we fall in love with is an illusion.. This doesn't make your relationship easier to get over. He was real to you and your mind. Make yourself focus, stand outside of yourself and observe yourself as you move though your day. When you are ready, after securing your safe space, take the time to mourn and release all that sorrow. Just remember not to stay very long but don't stuff it either. Time. will blunt the sharp edges. Love and hugs to you. I'm cheering you on and sending healing strength your way. Congratulations! That was a very brave thing to do. ♥️🙋💃🏆🏆🏆🥰🎉🎊🤎💜💜💚💛💘💙

Tamara Mcgill, you deserve better

Good luck with that. After a walk in a country lane yesterday, and with him starting a fight over a photo of a view from a hill, I walked out too. Left without him and haven't spoken to him since. Just Leave. The silence annoys them. They expect you to always be there... haha. Have a nice day.

Good for you ! Yes its gets wayy better . Stay strong and resist the desire to go back .

This is truth!!!! Thank you for sharing. I need this on a poster I can look at everyday!!!

Yes!!!! Poster please!!!! Perfectly stated!!!

Easier said than done but it needs to be done. From my experience, if my verbal response was too lengthy, they would immediately stop paying attention to whatever I was trying to say and proceed to abuse me. If I ever cross paths with one again in the future, it's best to just give short to the point answers, then turn around and walk away for good. Thanks for the advice.

very much so

@@kaymackay1161 I am collecting a secret diary of narc quotes, some of them give me a laugh.

Joyful is a single word that describe the sensation one feels when away from narc negativity!

My brother and mother would berate me, smirk to each other then say “carol never smiles-cheer up”

True! 100%.

LOL so true!

Right They can take all your energy in literally less than one hour

Make him feel sick go on a rant too. Give him a taste of what he’s giving.

@@chaimomma9198 that doesn't work they like it when your upset, and you have to adhere to logic they don't.

@@simic0racle157 depends on the person.

@@chaimomma9198 fair enough, doesn't work for me. :P

@@chaimomma9198 It doesn’t work that way. They get narcissistic supply from anger, as well as admiration. If anything, it reinforces their behavior.

same! they are the worst bosses.

Yes that is the important part of the video to realize. I was also very worn out before I understood how narcissist think and act. I tried to help them understand the pain they were causing me and how much distress it was causing me but they actually enjoyed causing that pain to me so I was just helping them by validating that what they were doing was working on me. It so evil to even begin to comprehend to a normal persons mind. I would drive my self insane trying to understand how they could be so heartless and evil. But then I started reading books and watching lots of youtube videos on the topic and it helped me learn to stop trying to understand it cause I never will fully. I just have to forgive them and move on. Only worry about taking care of myself and focusing on what's important to me. I still live with them but I have so much more energy now and I at least understand the situation much better now then I did before.

💯

There is a book that you should get is called running on empty it will help you so much

Take heed people. I wish I could have known what was happening to me beginning 40 yrs ago. Run away fast and far.

I am just now starting to be able to see fine print again. Good thing I didn't invest in yet another prescription pair of glasses again too soon maybe. Rob you blind is way too pertinent to my story when not getting how to recognize their number soon enough too.

So very true

You even feel like you have the flu when the talk or phone call is done. Yep, I get it.

Yeah exactly...

Hope you are doing better!!Thanks for complimenting Americans,we are often assumed to be bad by other countries. We are a very strong people who arent afraid to be different and face things head on. ❤

Abuse victims usually also have back problems. You can expect these to get better as well.

That's an interesting point. My narc travelled overseas for two weeks, during which I stayed at a friend's house and I slept a lot while there.

Same.. I had chronic mouth ulcers due to my lack of sleep (ulcers the size of a small coin).. I broke up with my ex a month ago and since Im sleeping alone again my ulcers have nearly disappeared..I feel like a new person again :) lack of sleep can really mess with your body and levels of stress

@@AgendaInMind I had so many body aches at the end and now my body doesn’t ache everyday.

@@davidhinkson8856 at first I thought just mental strain of the separation but then I realized I wasn’t tense anymore and finally could relax in my own life now without him around. I feel at peace for the first time in so many years.

Oh yes. They are so clever at training you to be your dog for their doggy treats [Sometimes laced with chemical restraints too] for as long as you still don't get their number.

That is a great expression for it - thank you. It is one of the worst parts of it. The narcs can see what makes others unhappy but then use their skills for evil instead of good.

It’s predatory, really.

Yep, they want you to feel miserable, to keep you out of balance and in control. As for me I was looking for these control tricks to feed off emotionally as childish until came up with "bigger guns" and external support, to hurt intentionally; found a crack within me: kids, family .... then it took time to find own calm place within, to recover and that's live :-) Still things to handle though :-) But they can't get you anymore ... covertly

Nip it in the bud. Cut it before it goes to seed and spreads it's evil.

@S great job. Our energy is too precious to waste on these mental individuals.

Hope you have or will find some great friends who are like family to you!!

I haven’t seen my daughter for 4 1/2 years for the same reason. It was very emotional and difficult in the beginning but it gets easier. Your peace and well being is so much more valuable than a one sided relationship ever will be.

Lean into that comment! Dr. C

@@SurvivingNarcissism I will try. This is a core belief that will help me become more immune to the shenanigans of my narcissistic siblings, so I'm going to work really hard to stand on this. Thank you, Dr. C.!!!

Your not alone..I expect there’s numerous others in the same boat.

@@susanbrown2909 There are.

I decided to write out a list of the many people throughout my life and was so happy to realize that the list of authentic, kind people was full, and the list of poisonous people turned out to be much smaller, maybe 15 or twenty people. This gave me a lift and made me so grateful for all the kindnesses. It is amazing the negative narcissists take so much of our energy and cause such harm that all the attention is focused on the dread of their damage.

Sounds like my Covert Passive Agressive Narc Landlord/Roomie

Yes to this!

Understood. Less bullying & power-play, the better.

Expecto Patronum!

@@cindys9491 I will always think of this, now 😅. Good one!

Thank you

😭😭😭🤮

I did the same. Sleep was so luxurious! The exhaustion so complete... I felt so much peace when I left that I slept deeply like I was drugged.

@@Calibri57 I thought it was funny that she didn't notice how happy I was while packing her stuff up when she decided to go punish someone else, or 'leave me'. I told her the 'no, no, please don't go' to keep the story up, but I couldn't pack her stuff fast enough...it was exciting :) Ignore them long enough and they'll have to leave you, though it still takes a toll.

Yes! Because no way (in my case) he will decide to end it, so then, again, it is ofcourse me to blame for ruining the marriage and our family life with our 3 kids... and definitely, when it was not for our reasonable, forgiving, wise, patient behaviour, a marriage like this won't last for a second. But, in their reality, we are the one to blame, responsable for all the damage and problems they cause, while we try all we can to manage it all and manage for things not getting out of hand....it is such a brain f***. I hope one day i am able to get out of it, the energy drain is real...and realizing this is what i am in, but still not able to stop it, is even more devestating. Wishing you all the best, much love!

@@FrictionCreativeProductions thank you for sharing...the best any of us can do is get out if it is possible. If not, spending as little time as possible in this incredibly draining and toxic setting is paramount. I struggled through the entire marriage believing I was the problem!!! We are not the problem, but the problem is real, and the toxicity is real. Just like trying to survive without air is impossible, so is staying in a relationship with someone who is incapable of participating in a normal relationship. It is not you! It was never about you, but deflecting and blaming you is the reality you (and I) are dealing with. Praying you find strength and a way out...🙏

@@kaymackay1161 thank you so much! Reading these kind of comments is comforting, assuring and supporting, and a way of pulling myself back to normality and reasonable people.... best regards to you!

@@kaymackay1161 It is now January 2022 and I am reading your comments here. I sincerely hope you were able to get out, or that you are in the process. Best wishes.

@@melaw5 thank you. What a wonderful message and reminder of what a difference a year makes. I have signed a lease on my own house and will be moving in this month! Feeling hopeful and blessed! Thank you again!

Expose them calmly--let them know you're onto them.

Almost 3 years and I can barely understand why It took so long for me to realize this behavior type. I guess I was just exhausted from the lies and everything else that went with it!

I have cancer and a bad heart. Severely anemic and at this typing, my primary care physician is freaking out at the seriousness of my health situation. Fatigued? Unbelievably. And yes, part of it is the physical condition of my body... but being married to this narcissist for almost 14 years has been a major contributor to my ill health. Seriously. NEVER got sick before him... and now on my 3rd round of cancer, bad heart, severely anemic... shot. Living with... serving... a narcissist can be life endangering, in more ways than one. Believe that.

@@susansmart2851 girl I believe it I’m at 33 years and counting I know what this can do to your health

Me too. I am DRAINED. I wish I could figure out a way to detach - ex has my daughter who is turning 14 and has utterly manipulated her. I feel like I have to detach to save myself, but that makes me feel SO guilty. I can't and so I'm stuck!

I feel the same way. Some days I don't wanna attempt to wake up. That's nothing like how I used to be

I have a hunch depression will be addressed somehow and someway when this video is published.

This is PTSD dealing with the narc , I suffer the same shattered and then you meet another one !!

I have severe adrenal fatigue because of living with 20 years of crazy-making narc. I am basically bedridden. Get your cortisol levels checked.

When a situation seems hopeless or unavoidable often our reaction is depression

Yiu are catching on.

It’s beyond Exhausting

@@everythingroxy3582 I started crying a little when I realized this..

@@markfromtinder9616 hang in there

You are going to make it. It Is a cry of relief perhaps. Meaning you can relax, she is gone, and you can be happy. Sing the song “ding 🛎 dong the witch is dead”

Most often more than one demanding toddler to cope with there if not one right after another because while falling for the guilt trips its always your fault because your kind ate the apple first or whatever that is sure to attract more of the big adult toddler kind.

LOL so true! She says " We are family" I don't give a fuck if we are family the simple fact is you disrespected me and my boundaries so f off! If we are " family" you should have respected me just like I respect you. SIMPLE

As the mother of 3 grown children ( 2 are doubtful 😊)...,I'd chose an actual toddler..😂

@@darlalong1957 , yeah, you are right at least the toddler is adorable, but an unreasonable, paudy old man is not.

@@strictlyuniqueful Love what you said! It took until I was 65 to think about my narc brother, "We might have slid out of the same uterus, but that is it!" He abused, lied, stole, bullied, etc, etc while I kept that stupid....we are family guilt trip in my mind. Glad to see it does not control you. Bless you.

That sucks I'm sorry.

Oh but it seemed like home 'sweet' home enough when another one showed up often there to be on his 'best' behavior charming side to the world there too instead while I was the house bound one being made to do my home work on time there [As if I wasn't already doing so] just so my parents could both continue to look good enough among the Dr. Ray positivism always wins crowd.

Yes, after an arguement I would not be able to sleep. Squirming in my bed, thinking how horrible my narc was. He would sleep like a baby. That twat.

Yep! Dr. C

Absolute chlidish bat not weak at bulling. My familly also. 80% of them F... your brain when you go in contact with them. Drain you dray in 5 min. No jocke.

Narcissism is not 'childish' behavior, it's a type of mental illness and these people are all the same. One thing I noticed with them is a strange stare as if they're reading your facial expressions. It's like a cat watching a prey species. They have these dead eyes like a snake listening to you as if you're talking to a robot. They're fond of stretching out their mouth in a leer, it's not a smile so much as it appears to be anxiety from a feeling of hatred and ill-will. kzfaq.info/get/bejne/h96Peqd0tMrYmqs.html

200% true 👍

@@keplermission4947 There is an immature element to it all, though. This is what was referred to as "childish." They are really immature adults, especially when "triggered."

@@wellnesspathforme6236 ... well, the ones I knew well, one had an IQ of 180. So immature adult perhaps. Mozart was a child prodigy. I wouldn't rush to judge some of those as 'immature adults'. Pol Pot didn't like smart people and I guess neither did Uncle Joe. I don't know if you've ever been to an Ivy League university and met with some of those people but genius people can be a little weird.

How true this is. You said it perfectly

They aren't interested in being healed because as far as they're concerned, they are perfect.

I believe you Yvonne. My advice to you though is because most of them believe that everyone should be like them or they must be a loser don't ever admit to them that you are such a sweet giving person. That would be like waving a red blanket in front of a bull ready to charge.

I could have written this

They memorize relationship milestones and do everything at the right time--phone calls, dates, saying "I love you" for the first time, sending flowers. But it doesn't feel right--intimacy never develops, the relationship stays superficial and you don't seem to rank over anyone else. Later you discover they had somebody else going in the background and realize they'd always juggled multiple relationships.

@@Elizabeth-yg2mg Yes, it never did feel exactly right. I see other issues in looking back as well. That is what hindsight does for you. As for other relationships in my case, I don’t know. But it makes sense because they must have supply and need a backup. I feel sad for them actually. I can move on. He is stuck.

It’s not easy. But you need too be alone in some form of nature, too reset the brain. And learn too remove yourself from toxic. There’s a old saying people only hurt you if you let them. I am the protector of my head . 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

@@hugmc Thank you. I'm going to try that.

Marilyn Moore Listen to your body and do what's in your best interest. Life is too short!

Hop on the bus Gus...drop off the key Lee and get your self FREE

It exists and you are good to be rid of him

Try tapping EFT dr Brian Yates KZfaq

You're an inspiration. Best wishes as you move forward!!! Dr. C

For sure!

Oh my goodness, thank you for this comment. You clarified something that has held me frozen in confusion and fear. This is what I’ve expected will happen when I tell my narc I want split, but I couldn’t give it a name and description in my head. I keep picturing how I will tell him, what that conversation could look like, trying to think through what I can possibly say, and the imaginary scene just fades to grey each time, and now I see why. I’m letting the gaslighting commence in my own head, before it even has a chance to begin in reality. Ugh.

Just say you don’t trust him. Your gut instinct is that something isn’t right and you don’t feel safe around him. State your truth. Don’t over explain. Leave it there. Think about your safety and focus on yourself.💖

They won't get it even how hard you try to explain your point or perspective. They can twist the truth.

You can't trust them and they will never change so give up trying. The tips in this video (and other videos) were very helpful to make me understand that. It's not you, it's them.

My husband just pulled that on me last night. I helped him see. 😉

YEs. While they are [all] claiming to be the only sensible [non-pagan, non-crazy or whatever] light bulbs in town.

I feel the same way. Exactly! I have to get help, directions on how to get out before it's too late. I'm calling a councilor tomorrow.

That's a sad commentary about your bro. Dr. C