My parents never taught me life skills. As a kid I didn’t know that I was supposed to learn those things. But as I got older my parents would start criticizing me for not knowing how to do the things they never taught me.

"Many trauma survivors are criticized on adult levels while not getting any parental help from their parents." This 100%, especially when you're the scapegoat.

Two runners up to this list is - "When I was a kid I was up at 5am" - shaming children for providing a better childhood? and weaponizing mood on a child.

When Patrick brought up how useless it is to confront parents about the past, a burden was lifted. One thing I always hated about talking to my mother about my trauma was that she would apologize followed by “things just never got better. I always prayed for things to get better but they didn’t” or “I didn’t have a mother. The same things happened to me as a child.” She is incapable of any type of analysis beyond God never brought anyone in her life to help her. In her mind accountability is “I’m sorry. But you’re fine now right? Let’s move on.” I remember when I told her that her physically abusive boyfriend was having sex with me (I watched him pull a gun on her). After she kicked him out, a couple days later she said “I just want to let you know that in God’s eyes you’re still a virgin.” I honestly feel that was the biggest contributor to me despising religion. That was such an off base remark and response to what I went through. As if I gave two shits about where I stood with God.

"Thinking differently than me is rebellion."

[15:00] "Healthy Kids are gonna test limits. Neglected Kids are gonna test if their parents are gonna show up for them" So true, that's the difference between good enough and toxic parenting in one sentence. Thank you so much!

I think a big one for me is that I'd always be treated as an adult when it was convenient for my parents. If I brought home a bad grade as a kid, my dad would tell me "You didn't do your part/job, my job is to make money, yours it to do well in school." But if I asked if I could go on an overnight field trip as a high schooler, I would be treated as a kid and told no, I had to stay home for no discernible reason.

"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." Another threatened by emotions tactic. My parent would say that while brushing my hair and yanking out tangles, implying that the consequence of more crying would hurt a good deal more.

This comment section is the most comforting and reassuring thing I've seen in years. Thank you all for your comments. the abuse I experienced, and feel today, is not crazy or just who I am. How profoundly reassuring is it to be validated by hundreds of comments. Never stop what you're doing Patrick. :')

Threatened by emotions was my entire childhood, from both my parents. I was trained to never cry, no matter how upset I was, because I was told that my own emotional response to hours of shaming was actually a manipulation tactic. I still struggle with crying.

Oh my gosh, #4 (threatened by kids’ emotions) hit home. We were disciplined from an early age to be neutral, calm, or happy. Getting upset was borderline threatening, and getting mad??? It was taboo. I still have extreme difficulty expressing anger or feeling upset decades later

"Their emotions are wrong or too much for other" hit like a train. I subdue so much of what I'm feeling because it historically is not the right response. Hearing "you're too sensitive" really does a number on you. Being told to stop crying because it's not that serious. "Just get over it." Uhg it puts my stomach in knots just thinking about it.

"Trauma survivors feel like their emotions are both wrong and too much for others based on how we were parented or how our parents reacted to our emotions. There's a lot of reclaiming in therapy for that." 🥺💔💔💔

Thank you, Patrick! My favorite quote, "We can boil childhood trauma down to two things: 1. Disconnection 2. Abuse around our perception"

I lost my cool earlier today because of stress… no excuse, so I put my ego aside and apologized to my son. Owned my mistake without judgment on myself and feel so proud I’m capable of doing this. (Something I never saw growing up) Here’s to trying to end the cycle 🍻

Hearing you describe the parent expecting their child to behave like an adult w/o ever giving them the guidance, support and knowledge needed to behave that way, as "top tier trauma" felt like my issues surrounding change and taking risks had finally been validated after 37 yrs. Thank you. I needed to hear that so much.

Three situations stick in my mind: One of many times my parents split up, my mom packed a few bags and took my sister and me (along with mom) to stay with an aunt. As we set out, I began sniffling. She immediately shot her eyes at me saying something like, don't even start that crying. Another time, after I was chased down, pinned down, and nearly sexually assaulted, I told on the perpetrators and my mom had to be called home from work. She told me I had no business being in the same place with those boys. It was literally across the street from our place and next door to my grandparents' home--AND I was lured! The third was at my 8th grade graduation; After the ceremony we were all in the girls bathroom saying our last goodbyes and I was in tears. My mom retorted, what are you crying for? Some 40 years later, I still hide my emotions from others. I try not to hide them from my husband, but it's still a struggle.

Yiiiiikes. I didn’t realize character assassinating the other parent is abusive to the child. Thank you for pointing it out. My parents did this both constantly by attributing any “negative trait” they imagine of me to the other parent by saying “you got this stupidness or ugliness from your mom or dad”. It’s maddening or sick .

I can crystallize the struggle in my childhood being my mothers inability to deal with her anger. She was rage filled but silent. She would withdraw...for days. Physically present, I was always fed and cared for, but I lived on eggshells because I thought I had done something wrong. It was only when i met a few three and four and five year olds as a grown woman and witnessed their vulnerability and trust and perceptiveness that i realized how very confusing and painful it was.. I've spent a lifetime reading people in a hyperfocused kind of way, and being paralyzed by anyone's anger....including my own. "Abuse around the perception of how you see yourself"

Not acknowledging. My mom completely “forgetting” me telling her I was sexually assaulted or that I had attempted suicide.

My dad would literally get mad at me if I started to cry or show emotion after he abused me or If he did something wrong. It’s so messed up. Thank you Patrick you are really helping me alot with your videos.

'Takes kids to lover's house and the kids play' ... I had no idea this happened to other people too. I can't believe that other parents would do this. It's absolutely stunning.

"Many trauma survivors are criticized on adult levels (as children) without getting any help from their parents." So true.

Everything Patrick teaches is life changing.

I believe that bullying can be consider childhood trauma and can affect adult life. Also the bully is usually being abused by their parents. Being abused by a peer or several peers on a daily can cause depression, isolation low grades lack of trust in adults or authority because they do nothing or little to stop it.

Growing up when toxic positivity was the norm, there was a lot of "Stop complaining. There are children in Africa who would love to be in your position." In hindsight I think my mother was very dismissive around my discomfort. While learning to wash my hands, I would say the water's too hot, she would feel it and say "No it's not," and expect me to continue even though my hands would sting. I grew to hate washing dishes because touching the big soggy food remnants would gross me out. I even remember suggesting I wear gloves and my mother saying "You don't need gloves. Toughen up." Though this could be considered gaslighting, this was also amidst the "threatened by child emotions." My mother would become hypersensitive if I got angry at her, becoming passive aggressive or downplaying a situation. In the end it became "All negative emotions are bad" until I got into college. One way toxic positivity was spread later directly led me to how to begin to undo this trauma. When I was in junior high, an email my grandmother shared (a classic 2000's copypasta type thing) told a story of how a person's mentality could be represented by two fighting wolves. The white wolf would represent joy, trust, kindness, and all 'positive' emotions. The black wolf would represent anger, fear, despair, and all 'negative' emotions. The wolf that wins the battle is the one you feed. I took this to heart and tried to always let the white wolf win, meaning I would bottle up my emotions and rarely release them. It was only after college, while I was mentally reflecting that it hit me. It's not about winning or losing. Both these wolves are part of the 'self' and I'd been denying one side for so many years. The side that tried to look out for my best interest. The side that valued ourselves. The side that told me to stand up for myself and to fight for what I want. It was such an important piece of me that I starved for far too long. I still maintain a healthy balance, but I no longer have to be a pushover and constantly hold my tongue. I feel confident on who I have become, and that's what matters most.

I sometimes see my responses as a parent highlighted in your videos. I automatically defend myself in my mind, but I am glad you talk me through it and teach me new ways to interact with and validate my daughter. My goal is to end generational trauma, so I regularly fall into my automatic responses that are mirrored by my toxic relationship with my mom. I’m glad you help me face reality AND provide solutions. I am so thankful for you!

I've experienced so many of these examples... I think the worse part is how long it has taken me to realise my childhood was abusive. There was no physical or extreme sexual violence but the level of neglect was so high. My mum did nothing when I said her boyfriend was being inappropriate, coming home from after school class in the dark, alone, no phone to call my mum to collect me. My mum looking bored and tired if I dared to talk about my day, interests or ask life questions. Her not caring at all about my education, work, me being bullied by my sibling, being depressed, having alcohol issues. It's so sad others go through this. I feel like I'll never get over it.

My father died when I was 6. I look like him. My mother would say horrible things to me about my face making her feel bad because I look like him. It was heartbreaking. She didn’t allow any emotions that didn’t match hers

I am SO DETERMINED that my little guy is going to grow up happy and healthy. I work on my childhood trauma feelings/issues all the time, and I work on my parenting skills regularly. I had an alcoholic NPD father and a BPD mother. I am no contact with them both. I tell my kiddo everyday that I'm proud of him. I praise him when he tries something new. I encourage his interests. I always make sure he knows I'm happy to see him. I listen when he talks. I want him to be confident and I am determined not to fuck him up the way I was.

My mom didn't acknowledge racial profiling and said that New Yorkers are known for having bad attitudes, so I should know what to expect when I walk in the store. I really Hate When someone stands over my shoulder while I'm making my transactions and keying in my pin, but if I speak up about it, no matter how nicely I put it, I will be viewed as an angry black girl who's overreacting. Yes, she acknowledged that This happens often and I should deal with it because she's tired of me telling her about it. Tbh, it hurts me. It hurts my feelings. It's like saying that I lack a sense of style, that I'm worthless, dishonest, and that I appear to look hopeless and destitute. It's degrading and I hate it. But she's just so mean spirited. I was doing my homework at the last minute, and a few days later, she bought up me setting myself up for failure and how I can't work and go to school. How I will have no times to study. How I rushed into school and didn't plan. Like, it's all so pessimistic. I'm tired of her too. I'm really tired of so many people viewing me as if I'm not worthy of respect.

The imposter syndrome, the surprise at getting picked for the team, the shame and difficulties making my own independent decisions… I have been successful, I know I am capable, but I am currently in a space where I am just completely shut down. I feel like a dead battery. I am attending therapy and on new SSRI as well as a stimulant for ADHD, but I still just….there is a chain tied to me somewhere in my brain that holds me back from transitioning from thought to action and the world around me and even my very-much-attempting-to-understand support network sees me as lazy and I understand why it looks that way. But I am literally trying, it’s just that trying is happening in an invisible space. And I feel like despite my efforts, perhaps I’m not getting the right therapy, perhaps I’m not explaining my experience well enough to be helped down the correct path to healing or healthier coping…because I keep finding myself in this cycle and at 33 I would really really REALLY like to see my efforts pay off and help me build some long term stability. Basically what should I be asking for in therapy to ensure I am receiving the correct care for me. I’m exhausted.

The trauma a child goes through, often times the child doesn’t realize how that trauma affects behavior and thinking because trauma affects a child’s self-concept

My parents often repeated that line "children are to be seen and not heard." I think it was very damaging to developing my sense of self. Like I existed only to make them and other adults happy at my own expense. I still struggle with thinking for myself and knowing how I actually think or feel about something. I got so used to just diverting to my parents for the "right" answer, and shutting down any of my own thoughts/feelings. To this day, when people ask what I think or how I feel, my mind goes blank. This has made therapy a struggle, but I'm giving it a try again after many failed attempts.

I’m 72 years old and STILL learning things I wasn’t taught.

As a parent one thing I’ve had to work on, that I didn’t realize I had trauma around is showing excited/ happy emotions - I was always yelled at if I got too excited, my instinct/ survival brain always wants to stifle the excitement (make it quiet) out of fear of my own dad. But I do well when I mentally remind myself “I’m the parent. We get to be excited in my family”

Dysfunctional family systems really have no idea what is appropriate behaviour from children at each developmental stage. Im watching adults in my family shouting at a 3 year old whose being potty trained for not communicating when he needs to go to the bathroom. In my head im just like "but he's 3 years old. How do you expect him to get that right every time when he's used to a nappy?" I am definitely afraid of making mistakes as an adult because of the same treatment when I was a child. The expectation in my family was always that children must have the same level of understanding as what an adult has without even having things explained to them first.

Wow #4 hit home. When I had big emotions my parents used to send me to my room until I was “happy”. This just taught me that my emotions were too much, that I needed to push all my emotions down and not feel them or process them. I get triggered as my mum still shares this with me as a golden parenting moment! She thinks she did the right thing and I should be doing it with my daughter. Hell no! I’m going to let my daughter feel her emotions and I’m going to help her process them. Not send her to her room to manage them herself. Thank you so much for your videos! I’ve just found you and it has been so eye opening, validating and helpful!

"Rage in reserve from not getting guidance or having a respectable parent." THIS. 🙏😭

13:45 I resonate with the "canary in the coal mine" analogy. I remember one time when my father was launching objects down the hallway during an argument with my mom. I hid in the bedroom at one end of the hallway with the family pets. My mom was at the other end continuing to yell and argue with him. Later I asked her if she was scared for my safety; I knew that if I hadn't timed it right, I would have been hit by the flying objects. She looked surprised and said, no, she hadn't thought about me. She was only worried for her own safety.

My parent flat out told me I wasn't smart enough to study this or that. I now have my MBA; though I wonder about my own motives to attain it. 😮

Is there a parenting pattern for parents who can’t be told they’re wrong? My mum would flip out over the smallest things/ try and get compliments from us by saying she’s fat/ get sympathy when she said she had no money even though she did it herself, and then when we told her (in a nice way) that she’s wrong or we couldn’t help her out we’d be immediately guilt tripped/ blamed - so we weren’t allowed to have any emotions. There was only room in the house for her feelings. I still struggle with opening up to this day.

Ouch, okay. I do have a bad habit of telling my son I’m not mad when I’ve just clearly shown I’m frustrated 🤦🏻‍♀️ I reckon I actually mean “Hey I’m not mad at you, you’ve done nothing wrong, this is a me thing” but it definitely comes out wrong more than I’d like so I’d better pay attention to that.

My thing as a parent is that I would really love to hear from my adult children how they perceived me as a parent and how I came across to them in terms of emotional things. Its something we dont really like to ask our kids, maybe we are afraid of what they would answer, but also that they may have great difficulty in expressing how they felt as children, especially if it were negative about us. Does anyone else feel this way or is it just me ?

“All abuse is about power.” You speak the truth Patrick. You’re amazing. I just finished watching the tv series roots. I watched it when I was ten and it opened my eyes as a child. Thank you for what you do.

Can you do a video about the physical toll of growing up with dysfunction and toxicity? Like holding breath, deep sighing, clenching muscles, fight or flight constantly on, teeth grinding/ clenching, ect.. and what to do to help relieve these things as an adult.

WOW. So many of these resonated with me. I always bragged that I was brought up in the perfect family, but there were many things that were "off" at home. I am autistic as well (undiagnoseduntil my mid forties), so that added a whole other dimension to what was going on. There was no physical abuse, but I think emotional neglect and denial of reality played a huge part in my childhood, as well as having one parent relatively passive (dad) and the other passive-aggressive (mom). I cut my wrists at age 12 or 13 (self harm rather than suicide); when my mom finally noticed and asked I told her that I fell on the track at school. She accepted that story without any more questions despite the obvious fact that the cuts were in the wrong direction. She would also steal my stuff, going through my room when I was not there and then not saying anything about it. It was up to me to notice and asking about it was implicitly out of the question. Anything she didn't like would disappear from my room without explanation. It was not a two way "you don't respect my stuff, so I don't respect yours," but just a complete lack of respect for not only my stuff, but of my privacy and my person. She is still like that even though I am an adult. I moved back in with her for 3 years to help take care of my dad before he died and she still went through my stuff and stole from me whatever she didn't like. Talk about developing trust issues! I did seriously think that this behavior was just her. Though I'm not sure it makes me feel any better knowing that others had to deal with that kind of BS. The lack of teaching life skills and then being criticized for not knowing things was also a big deal.. Other things resonated as well, but this comment is too long already, and those were the big ones

Thank you for mentioning your 10 year old not hanging his towel up despite constant reminders for years. My son (same age) has similar issues....I wasn't sure if it was something seriously wrong with him, or something seriously wrong with my parenting. Apparently it's just normal! When you grow up in an abusive home, it's hard to have any idea what "normal" child behavior is.

I was invisible and shamed and I’m sad because I’m 53 and just now figuring it out … so many years wasted Thank you your messages smack me into reality I’m amazing It feels good saying that 😘

"When you're scared of the abusive step-parent and your parent is abusive around your fear, it might be that you are kind of the canary in the coal mine of the whole situation, and they don't like that." 100% 💔

My therapist notices how greatly ive been improving, i tell her that watching your channel really helps.

I'd like to add also, never admitting to being wrong, or not believing the child. My most prominent example of this is when I was eleven, my sister got us a bunny, and it was my responsibility to take care of it. So being a determined youngster, I did my research, and found a bunch of info on having a pet rabbit, and my parents just scoffed at me and refused to believe the info I shared with them. Then I tried keeping the bunny according to my research, but they yelled at me and did things their way. Then they did an ounce of research, realized I was right, but just refused to admit it, and from then on, any adjustments I believed the rabbit needed for a better quality of life were waved off, and they just said I had no idea what I was talking about.

Patrick, you're a treasure trove of empathy and wisdom. It just occurred to me recently that introverted kids who listen and think deeply, if stuck with parents who dismiss, ignore, and berate, become adults who chronically find themselves in relationships where they're talked over, talked down to, not heard, and even overtly abused.

wow Patrick! I was CHILLED while listening to this video... I was ADOPTED & I noticed my DADS Affair behaviors and was the one who Informed their BIOLOGICAL daughter!! ... I had NO IDEA MOTHER KNEW for years!! That was 30 years ago, I'm SURE you can GUESS where I STAND WITHIN the family! ... I have NEVER been treated like a Family member SINCE! THIS is PAINFUL STUFF! I just saw my mother after 12 years and I am an artist, she had ZERO INTEREST in ME.. NEVER ASKED about my new to her, ART CAREER! It was BITTERSWEET! THAT WAS 6 days ago and I have heard NOTHING from her. But she is "mom" THANK YOU for all you do!

As a Gen Xer, I feel like we almost all had bad situations at home as our parents divorced. We came home alone to an empty house, did homework alone, made our own dinner, and for kids like me had only one parent who was seldom home. When you see everyone you know in a similar situation, you don't realize how terrible that is. We had to be adults when we were so young.

I guess the fact your videos are starting to make me cry when I used to be pretty numb to the insights is a sign of progress. It's never not heartbreaking :(

This just makes me realize how hard I've been working to make sure I'm not my mother.

Very good info. As a mom I noticed that I cannot stand my child whining or talking too much. I remember my mother always telling me to be quiet, pushing me away when I tried to show love and being checked out. I noticed that I started to act like my mom in regards to my child talking. I would get annoyed at the constant yapping and ask my child to have quiet time or I would check out. I am currently working on changing this and finding healthy alternatives to being present and changing my thoughts on how I feel when my daughter wants to talk to me. As silly as it sounds I was raised that children are not to be heard and have unfortunately continued that philosophy. I would love to have something on this so I can work on it while she is still young.

Wow. 7 for 7. I do wanna touch on one statement from #5, the unnecessary power struggle, about the double standard abusive people have when they talk about “respect.” There are two kinds of respect: treating someone like an authority figure, and treating them like a human being. And they are always using the first one for themselves and the second one for the abused family member. “If you don’t respect me I won’t respect you” = “if you don’t treat me like the ultimate authority, I won’t even treat you like a person.”

I really struggle with change. And imposter syndrome. Definitely was underparented. I am reparenting myself. I got myself. Thank you for this! You continue to help me see where I can heal.

My narc mother never believed that someday I'll put the dots together and figure everything out and I did and am proud of myself for escaping and removing this people from my life

I was raised by my grandparents and my parents never loved me. My mom had two other families she abandoned before having my brother and I and my dad just ignored me entirely. When my mom was actually around, she played really obvious favorites and called me fat. She started putting me on diets in the 1st grade and was always comparing me to my older sister. My dad was either yelling at us or smacking us around. When I would see them, my mom would say things like "I never should have had kids with your father" and was extremely jealous of my grandparents because we loved them. Years later, I was in therapy and told my shrink that my parents didn't love me. She told me that I was probably right and I was just floored.

I sat down with my mom at, like, 7 years old and talked about how uncomfortable I was in my dad's parents house. At the time, I rationalized it because I understood that my grandparents only saw my family once every two years because we lived in another country, but what I didn't know was that I was picking up on the abuse my dad had gone through at my grandpa's hand. It wasn't until I was an adult that my dad told me anything about the abuse, both physical and emotional, that he suffered as a child and hearing what you said about parents denying reality is really hitting home right now.

When I was around 7-8 years old, I was terrified of thunderstorms, especially in the middle of the night. I would hear the lightning crackle in the sky & I would wake up, frightened, & naturally I would jump out of bed, running as fast as I could to my parent’s bedroom, seeking comfort and safety. Instead, I was always forbidden from getting in bed with them. I would have to lay on the floor at the foot of their bed, alone, with my blanket & sleep there. They would never get out of bed to make sure I was ok. In the morning they would just step over me like a log. Never once did I get a hug or any reassurance from either of them. My fears were totally dismissed. This happened for a couple years. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized this is NOT GOOD PARENTING and is abusive. I still wonder how my parents could just let me sleep on the floor at the foot of their bed, instead of comforting me. Wouldn’t their conscious at least bother them a little? I’m still to this day not sure why I was never allowed to ever get in their bed.

I literally have been struggling with hearing about some of these toxic traits that have been exhibited in my family, and know how they have affected me. Now as an adult I struggle with consistency, imposter syndrome, anxiety, difficulty making my own independent decisions without feeling deep guilt and shame about them. This helped so much, I wish I could get help with navigating the result of these trauma's as an adult

I just discovered this channel, and it's been monumental for me. #4 in this got me good. I was such an anxious and fearful child and would tell my mom about scary intrusive thoughts and she would get so upset - it was always, "Oh not this again, aren't we over this?" or, "The doctors already said it's because of your asthma," etc. etc. Never comfort or understanding. Not yelling either, just impatience and blowing it off. I always wondered why. Thank you for explaining this to me!!!

Thank you, because I had very broken parents and only now I realise I don't know how to treat my son other than what I was treated. Being aware is not enough, I need to be taught.

@15:30 Yes! Plus, we could express many emotions, but not really anger. Then they arbitrarily took something away from me that i had earned independently, (over a period of weeks), and gave it to the golden child, then said, "That's final! I don't want to hear anymore about it." So i just shut up, went to my room, and avoided the golden child for the next 5 years, until i left home. They know that you're furious, but think that you'll just get over it, in a week or two. In truth, it made me feel violated and robbed, increased my resentment of the golden child, and largely destroyed my trust in that parent, but i was told not to bring it up again, so i didn't.

A huge part of abuse is controlling the narrative of the past. Guilt alleviation. Also, you are rewarded with love and attention based on your adherence to this historical remake. I would say 'gaslighting' but it is so steeped in mistruth, it's almost 'augmented reality'.

Our emotions as children never mattered. Only my nut of a borderline mother mattered. My stepfather was her supreme enabler. Everything revolved around her screaming, sobbing and rages. This seems minor but I remember my brother brought a paper santa he had made at school. He showed it to my mother who nastily stated "I don't want that in the house" and she threw it on the garage shelf. My brother stated in a defeated voice "I worked really hard on that." He's the one who became a PD himself. Yes my mother controlled us. She also spoke of our bio-dad who we didn't have contact with as "your father" Never "my ex-husband" Like we had choice in the matter.

Patrick. You helped to save my life. I’m also going back to school to become a therapist after the likes of yourself, your mentor, Tim Fletcher, and Anna Runkle. Thank you for sharing your gift! Maybe we could work together some day in the future. 🖤🤗

It is so validating that I found this channel. My mother struggled with mental illness and drugs. The best way to describe my dad is paldin-like. Growing up, my mother & her friends brutally assassinated my father's character. I grew being told I was excluded from family activities with my mother because I was too much like my father. Almost every day, I was told my major flaw was being like my father. And I did not understand what they even meant. It wasn't until I was older that I realized they meant he was a law-abiding citizen 😂 he was selfless and spoke out against wrongdoing. But they wanted me to condone their dysfunction so as a super sensitive person who didn't like hurting others, I was berated. When I try to explain this to other people, they don't get it. They say it is hard to believe that the kids were manipulated to that extent. But we were. Thank you.❤

Watching this as I'm 20 weeks pregnant, I think it's so important for parents to educate themselves about this! Thank you.

I booked an appointment with my therapist a while ago because I was getting really good feedback in my job & people were recommending me and I just couldn't deal with it. I couldn't even think about without getting so stressed and upset and feeling just a mush of everything at once. It was really debilitating. It's all making much more sense now I know I went through childhood trauma.

def can relate to parent being threatened by my emotions, specifically by any negative emotions (sadness, anger…) i was dismissed once i experienced huge emotions as a young child and as i become older and even more emotionally unregulated i would become explosive because i never felt heard

Not acknowledging reality (like being shouted at and told "What do you expect me to do about it? Beat them up!?" for coming to a parent about bullying), threatened by child's emotions (to the point of being chased to hide in one's bedroom so as not to get hit), unnecessary power struggles (like being forced to eat a plate of too much food or else go to bed, or being grounded repeatedly for a month to my room without dinner), and then getting all the blame for it being my fault instead of my parents ever looking at their own behaviour... Yup, that about sums up my childhood. Now I feel like even my attempts at therapy have gone wrong, as if there's something embedded in my soul that causes even therapists to read me wrong and end up mistreating me. For example, once I actually start to feel safe and begin to open up, that will be the point at which I also end up feeling needy, and in response, the therapist will distance themselves, and then I'll get more fearful and either get more needy, or distance myself, too, then start criticizing my mistake of opening up, and shut myself down all over again. Any thoughts on that sort of stuff? Because underneath the shell of trying to keep it all together, in therapy or otherwise, I feel like I'm a wild child underneath who wants to come into a therapist's office and be able to just shout, "I don't trust you! I don't want to tell you anything; I don't want you to get close! I don't want to risk being hurt by you, too!" But even that level of honesty seems like it would just get me an "Alright then, well then I'm not the therapist for you," instead of them ever realizing it doesn't matter who it is, but that I need it to be validated and understood why I don't trust anyone anymore. Even therapy feels like facing another person in a 'parental' role who just expects me to pretend to function on some level. It's like a place to discuss the theoretical issues of being mentally ill or traumatized, but actually showing that you are is off limits. Well, at this point, I've been pinned as the common denominator so the shame and blame just comes back to me from my attempts to heal, too, and nobody seems to understand why I'd have the defences I do, no matter that they can be dysfunctional.

Wow, a lot to process as a "child" and parent. I love how Patrick inserts his own story into the discussion, we know he's dealing with this stuff too. While I was raising my kids I always tried to treat them how I would want to be treated and know I failed often because of my childhood trauma, but I continued to keep trying and to be present for them. As a grandma I am more patient, which I know helps.

On the point of #5 I dealt with ADHD for a long time and homework was always a struggle. While I was neglected by my parents they belittled me for having a hard time in school (expecting me to figure it out without any help) but worse there were times my mom would actively get in the way of my schooling. There were two specific instances where I was doing summer school and mom didn't allow me to finish major assignments because she wanted to throw a 4th of July party. At one point I even recorded her rampages to prove to the teacher that I wasn't lying and needed more time. It was a battle every time

I am polish but thank you for publicly acknowledging situation that is currently happening near polish border - In Ukraine. Lot of people from US seem to be uninterested and not do not treat this issue seriously. It seems to be far a way in the terms of geographic distance but the consequence of this situation would be much bigger than people usually can imagine, So the awareness and empathy is very important. Thank you! And thank you for your job!

This has all been so confusing. And I can't tell what's real and what's not. What's serious and what's not. My entire childhood has been drawn into question and I felt so much internal conflict over the decisions I've made. Hearing you, sadly, is like someone was there when I was a kid. You have been profoundly validating. And I'm stronger and more determined every day that this BS absolutely ends. In every way. What I've tolerated my entire life, I'm a middle aged person, is done, is over. Sweeping 50 years and insult after insult after final insult under the rug. IS DONE! I'm so angry about it that I'm done. I liberated myself from someone who would destroy me rather than love me. You bring it all to their doorstep. 💚 Thank you for being the voice none of us had.

I wonder if Patrick Teahan's parents know about this channel and how well he's doing now, they must be absolutely flipping mad lmao Thanks for this video, it's great, as always!

Wow this just drove it home for me how toxic my environment was. All of these listed happened in my childhood home.

I have a Cartman's mom/Unknown dad situation too! I wish I knew what was underneath her parenting style. But when I grew up she couldn't let go of me and it became abusive after I was an adult and I had to cut off my "sweet" mother. I definitely didn't respect her as a child, and when she demanded respect back after I was old enough to move out it became a huge point of conflict.

100% with kids knowing what is not said. My dad was always not only at work but emotionally absent when he was around. I still have vivid memories of being 15 and point blank asking my mom "where has daddy been all of our lives?" Before then, I knew something was wrong but I was finally able to articulate it. It came as no surprise to me when they divorced 7/8 years later. Over the years I discovered precisely why my dad acts the way he does. His neglect affects me to this day, even with hours of therapy. Tragic events can change people and he hid himself inside his head and a bottle well before I was born. It's sad to say, but when he dies I'll mourn what could have been rather than mourning his death.

You are such a gift to the world, Patrick. I wish your videos existed when I was younger.

One of my mother's favorite expression to say to me when I was angry or upset was "Oh somebody looks crooked at you and you fall apart", and just ignore me, or get even more hostile with me.

My parents didn’t teach me how to brush my teeth. I obviously had bad dental problems early on because of that. In my teens I asked my mum why they didn’t teach me that, she was like “why would I have to teach you something so obvious, are you stupid”

You always correct about the childhood traumas 😩 make me know I am not exaggerating my childhood.

in my 20s my dad strangely started treating me like my mom and even pretending to slip calling me "Ethel" (my mom's name) whenever I said something he doesn't like during a conversation . I avoid speaking to him.

Wow, Patrick you just provided a piece to my family trauma puzzle. I believe my Mom's narcissism partly stems from HER mother not having the knowledge, skillset or courage to be firm and assertive as a parent. My Mom was and is a bully, and is an only child. Her mother had a physical handicap and was ostracized from her family. My grandmother was creative, introverted, and traditional. Mom was and still is extra everything.

WOW! Every time I think “OK, Ive watched 1 years worth of these videos. I think Ive learned everything i can possibly learn, BOOM! 🤯…..OUR WORK IS NEVER DONE. Thanks for all your wisdom, insight and knowledge.

My mother would laugh at me when I got injured or hurt, never showed any empathy to me. Emotionally and verbally abusive, with a cruel, even sadistic streak , at least with me. To this day, I have no real attachment or connection to her.

I heard all these things as a kid. I grew up in a house where I was always told children are seen and not heard. Everything he said was normal for me. But the thing that really hit home was when you spoke about the guy in the car grabbing the steering wheel while driving because he was a psychopath. My ex did this to me. I still didn’t leave. I thought that I was wrong because I made him that flustered. I never realized that I was in a toxic relationship or had a toxic family. I only found this out recently. Now te floodgates have opened I don’t know what to do. I realize my boss is toxic and treats me like a child but I run his business for him. I know that I need therapy but I don’t know where to start or how to afford it. I am in my 50’s. Sometimes I wish I still lived in my ignorance. It’s hard

Very insightful video, thanks. I wish it was more talked about how being a passive parent can really mess things up for kids. When you use every part of you to signal that you're hurting and no one provides guidance or even acknowledgment, you feel very invisible and powerless.

I really love your videos Patrick, they are very helpful. I do have a question, though: What do you think about parents who constantly shame you for "wasting" so much money or not being independent enough, yet hold you hostage when you try to be self sufficient? Where would this type of behavior fall into? Thanks!

May you be well, peaceful, joyous and at ease as well, Patrick. Thank you for this video ❤️

Congratulations Mom and Dad, you hit them all 🎉

I used to Shame myself for not handling things the way I would like to as a parent. When I was a young mom I was a toxic parent. I knew no other way but I could feel it wasn’t right. I’ve been researching and relearning and practicing to do better every day for the last 10 years, videos like yours are so helpful because it’s easy to pick up bad habits that were normal in your family. Although my family didn’t know any better, we now have smartphones and also had libraries to learn from about parenting and mental abuse etc so it is hard for me to justify their actions. I’m imperfect and I make mistakes but I explain to my sons how much I love them and that I’m not perfect and if something doesn’t feel okay for them, they know I will always pick them and we will figure out what happened. I love them too much to not care about how my behavior affects them and that’s why I’m eager to try my hardest to be what they need me to be.

I was told l was the reason my 2 siblings never married, l had apparently “screwed them up so much”. My mom was and is emotionally unavailable, lacks empathy, classic narc basically. She would mock me if l was ever upset and say “why do you think people are thinking about you, nobody is thinking about you, but you” . . She would also scoff “who has time for feelings, like get a life!” , “who has the time to sit thinking about themselves and how THEY feel” . This was all directed at me of course. I was made out to be a complainer, and over emotional if l ever stood up for myself against the abuse . She still makes me feel like “bad girl”, like a burning shame that l only feel fully with her ,even now and l am in my late 40’s.

10:10 Holy crap! I wasn't expecting this but I actually got affected with that talking point. Like, my heart rate went up, I started sweating, fight or flight kinda response. That whole segment took me back to a really bad time in my childhood. I didn't think that would happen.😨