They dish it out all day long but cant handle one drop of their own poison.

Or maybe: "You are the only one who has ever had an issue with this" / "Everyone else agrees with me"

They cannot have an ordinary conversation. They make it a "game" of win or lose. 😦😧😨

I didn't mean to confront them. I just wanted to talk calmly with them about an issue, but they make it a confrontation anyway even if it's no big deal. 😮

One more guess: Throw a *temper tantrum* the size of the Mount Everest, in the hopes that the sheer volume of their Anger will wash over you + drown out everything you originally felt or wanted to say. So you will stop, and swallow your hurts, questions and disappointments and quitely slink away ...

They claim ignorance and give you that vacant stare when you catch the out out on something. And then, play the victim 😳🥺

Narcissist are very predictable. Once you figure out how the narc in your life behaves it becomes rinse and repeat. And you can be confident, they will never change 😅😅😅

Has anyone heard the line, "You're not letting me speak" or, "You don't listen" ? Followed by silent treatment. Maddening 🤯

I refuse to waste my time on confronting narcissists. They do nothing but lie!!!

She said “I didn’t mean it that way, you’re humiliating me asking me about this.” Then finally half heartedly admitted lying about it almost 2 yrs later. Funny thing is she made mean comments to humiliate me in front of multiple people (passive aggressive). The gaslighting is something else!

the narcissist sees themself "in their mind" as the star prosecuting lawyer. with you on the witness stand having to justify, argue, defend and explain your choices, with your mental health, if not your life on the line. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

Another guess: "Maybe you want to discuss this, BUT you should have approached this issue in another way/ another time/ another formulation/ another .... ....." PRETTY MUCH: As you approached it wrong, the discussion option is now closed - forever.

They also may ask you to state a specific time or event in which they did something wrong. When you do, then may pretend they do not remember anything about it, or they may say it did not happen that way. Their second strategy is to simply stay silent when you manage to prove it happened the way it did.

"But what about all the good things I've done?!".

Even when you're not confronting a narc they will play many of the mind games mentioned here. Sometimes they do it because your very existence makes them feel threatened. Sometimes they do it to watch you twist in the wind, or just to entertain themselves, or so they can feel powerful.

Every single interaction is a contest

The joking happens a lot and they say, can’t you take a joke

1) Become an interrogator to create doubt. 2) Pretend to always have the moral high ground and self righteousness 3) Flip the script of the conversation and invert reality 4) Divert, Evade, and Shift the focus elsewhere 5) Questioning your logic to invalidate your concern 6) Dehumanize you and degrading your character 7) Remove themselves as any part of the problem

My narc father replied to my going no-contact with him as, “you’re just messing with me!”. It’s never about them gaining self-reflection about what they did to cause the situation.

The narcissist once asked me that very same question: "So, youre expecting ME to change?" I simply said, "No. That part is entirely up to you. All i am asking is that you take a look at your own reflection. Something, we should all do! The rest is up to you." He did not know how to process that. I know i saw an eye twitch! Lol! He didnt say a word, turned around and walk away. It was strange, the way he "glitched out" and went about his day. 😕

Guesses - a few quotes "Yeah, but you . . . !!!" "I already tried!!!" "What about when you . . . ?!" "How about if I just . . . " I noticed a pattern of claiming to have done the right thing but blaming the person who made the request for their noncompliance. It's tricky because since we play a part in each other's lives, there can be a need to work together, and the narcissist is good at faking good intentions while delivering on their hidden bas intentions.

Let's take the "They who smelled it, dealt it!" view regarding a narc's blame game! The way THEY spread it around THEY get THEIR stink ev-ery-where! Be Healthy! Stay Healthy!

Dad would tell me "You misinterpreted what I said"; he expected me to take his responsibilty, I did not!

Narcissism is like a hurricane. One can survive narcissism be either being in the eye and trapped on the inside or heeding the evacuation warnings and getting far away from its potential reach. However, once trapped on the inside of the narcissistic hurricane, confronting its wrath becomes futile and one is left with no choice other than to capitulate and weather the storm while praying the collateral damage will not be unbearable and that people on the outside will forgive them for being fooled by taking its power for granted.

Basically side step everything with grace and meek and mild good old fashioned manors and kindness and they don't know what to do 😂

My ex was a control freak with what kind of food was made for them, to where to park in the driveway to how you answer their calls. And if you are sick, you're going to be shamed for it

I come from a narc family and married into one. It was a profound revelation when some of the younger members of both families began being diagnosed with ODD (oppositional disorder). Three are being treated now and it's GENETIC. It causes narcissistic behaviors that some will outgrow but others continue into adulthood! Is it treatable? I don't know, these little ones are just now being medicated and put through therapy but fingers crossed it will break the generational "curse" upon both our families!!

Thank you Dr. Carter and Gus !! Gus is a fine Boy !! ...All Words from Narcissist are manipulative....I had to stop speaking with them, permanently. And stop caring what they do or think. I confronted one of them and they came back with "You're SICK"...or "You're Insane, and everybody knows that about you". I learned there is NOTHING they say or do that I can trust and those that do trust them are just like they are.

Gus is always so zen. It’s calming to look over your shoulder and see him sleeping peacefully.

I've started using a confrontation style with my street narc- he tends to try and control any person coming to do work on my house, so when he cut into a conversation between myself and the worker, I said " good morning x! How are you?" And he stuck his hand in my face and said " I don't talk to you - I want nothing to do with you!". Result. The workman was instantly alerted to what he was speaking to - it made him so uncomfortable that he quickly ended the contact and came back to our business conversation. I fully intend to let him out himself to as many as possible.

One of the biggest challenges for me in my previous marriage with my ex wife was the blame shifting. Once I started working on myself and understanding personality disorders I was able to catch her in the act. I would look at her when she would start bringing up my past and say “You are correct… it was wrong for me to act that way during that period of life and I am totally responsible for it because it was me who chose to do that.” Then I would proceed to stay on the topic of how she was treating me and she would go dead silent and walk away. As soon as she started walking away to avoid the situation I would just say… “at least you have always been given the freedom to walk away instead of being shut up in a room with the only way out was through you or through the window” Yes.. she would close the door to our room and refuse to move so we could get a little space so things didn’t get too heated. Which is basically imprisonment.

When I would confront my ex-narc she would always say. This isn’t about me. We’re not talking about me right now. Could never bring up anything about her behavior

Thank you for saying that sometimes we need to confront, not to change them, but to stand up four ourselves. Went through this for decades. Unfortunately I got to the point that I went into that ”reaction” mode. I made things worse for myself as my kids saw this. No one stood up for me and I always felt of it as trying to stand up for myself even though it didn’t help.

One amazing skill a narcissist has is that they can reel out lies, one after another, about any number of things in rapid succession. They will pull out thin air whole scenarios of something that happened, and it was all lies. Even if you question the details they can fill in the blanks, or just say, "I'm not sure." If you push by saying, "You said you had dinner at his house the night his dog disappeared, but you don't remember if the dog was there during dinner?" "I don't notice things like that." "I was more focused on the steak dinner." "I wasn't there that long." "I was out on the porch." "I sat in the kitchen." There a hundred excuses narcissists have for being blameless, and sometimes the story has a lot of imaginary characters, imaginary conversations, imaginary events and altered reasons things happened. Or didn't happen. It's like Disney on psychedelics.

It's not worth it to confront a narcissist unless you've been no contact for years and healed. After you've healed you may want to confront the narcissist who's trying to hoover you back in, but only to tell the narcissist to stop trying to control your life and to get a reminder of why you went no contact. The narcissist's ultimate goal is to get narcissistic supply. If you keep that in mind, you'll see it in almost every interaction with the narcissist. That's why you have to get away from the narcissist. You're like a drug to the narcissist that will be used up eventually.

My narcissist mother would give me the silent treatment when she got upset with me. When I look up videos on KZfaq on the silent treatment, none of them talk about what happened to me. My mother would call a family meeting when I was a child and tell my 3 older siblings that none of them could talk to me or they would be punished. My father and grandmother would play along and give me the silent treatment too. My old brother who lived in the same room with me would play along and give me the silent treatment. They all played this silent treatment game on me until I broke or submitted to my mother's control. My mother usually got upset over trivial things such as one time when I was around 10 years-old, when she told me I was a smart kid and I said 'Am I smarter than you?' After I asked that question she acted all offended, told me to go to my room, and gave the silent treatment until I apologized to her. Imagine a 35 year-old woman doing to a 10 year-old boy. Nowhere on KZfaq do I hear about this level of abusive tactics used by the narcissist. I hear about the silent treatment, but I don't hear about it used to this level. I can imagine the narcissist are doing a lot of other horrible things that aren't even being touched on in KZfaq because either the KZfaqr hasn't experienced it or heard of it.

My niece did this to me last night, every step. I am done with her. I am still in shock...

They deflect blame onto the person confronting them(narcissist:Dad)

Being able to play any mind game is to twist the focus. So the precondition is "deflection perfection". (Thanks to Bara for this term!) They need to turn them "off" the focus and turn you "on" the focus, which is a paradox in itself for it's all about them and their needs and nothing about you.

A very damaging aspect is our learning not in trusting self and others and proneness to our naivety. I would love to learn how to move forward.

I class myself as a very calm person and can take just so much, when someone causes pain to another then I think that's game over. Don't be the brunt of someone else's misery.

My Mother was one , my Sister , and i married one , our Son is one , The one thing I kept noticing was everytime I was happy they killed it, all these years I did not know what was going on , now I am 81 and just found out about Narcssist, I am free at last and I thank GOD for keeping me safe , sometimes you have to leave people , no matter who they are , to keep your Sanity

Its worse when you are stable, peaceful and gaining independence. Almost lost the “gotcha game” today. Close call 😂😫 Its a slippery slope talking with them at all!

Sir, I really needed to thank for your work. I have been looking at different channels trying to figure out the problematics in my relationship with my father. I have been feeling like something was very wrong for a long time and I felt like it was narcissism on his part. I just couldn't accept that because, although I could see the consequences in myself, I couldn't see the behavior in him. I was seeing the pain that led to his behavior more than how he was dumping that pain on me to avoid dealing with his issues. The way you explain thing have allowed me to see everything in a cristal clear way. THIS is the eye opener I needed. Thank you so very much... I think my therapist will be grateful as well.

This is a timely post Dr. C. So being my birthday (I felt safe in bringing up the slightest conversation) about how I felt my sister wasn’t as informed as I was with worldy events. I was called “superior” and was bowed to (which is really insulting) and then was told I think I’m “God”.

I just wanted them to stop abusing me..I gave them the benefit of the doubt, naively so I guess..perhaps they weren't thinking, perhaps they were under stress, perhaps..different levels of narcissism around, seems to be 50/50 narcs vs empaths.

When I said that my cousin had cut herself off from the family because of outrageous violence, denial of opportunities, favouritism etc my sister said 'if it were that bad someone would have noticed '. I can't believe the ignorance and stupidity! I pointed out that people lived next to concentration camps and claimed not to notice anything. Then she said a certain amount of violence was normalised in the family (as though that makes it ok) Then she said how an aunt who is a fair-minded decent person was firm but fair and told my cousin off. I pointed out that people can be fair-minded but have a blind spot and have certain loyalties that preclude them from seeing the truth. Lastly I pointed out that fair-minded people carried out the Holocaust. That shut her up for about a week.

Let me guess: 'You are oversensitive' ?

Another one is not being able to remember anything.

I told my grandson's father he bought him a baseball, but never took him outside to throw it. He needs you to spend time with him. The response was, "Oh, I could sling mud too". They miss the point of every conversation making it it's superfluous to converse with them.

They deflect and blame-shift. They say you only remember bad things and are playing a victim.

Dad blames me every time, especially when he's at fault!

# 3 Flipping the script…. BINGO! Doesn’t matter what hard evidence you have. # 1 becoming the interrogator … YEP! Next thing you know you’re answering a bunch of their irrelevant questions which leads back to #3

As he chuckles w/a smirk as I show a vid. of him in the act..."I could see how you'd think that was me, but, clearly, that's not me. You're misconfused & need your vision checked. I am not me. I'm afraid you're talking to the wrong guy.

Always good Wisdom here ... Thank you & God Bless you, Dr. C & Team Healthy!!

Not sure why, I was having a conversation where I revealed that I was raped when I was 12. She became angry that I never told her. My response was, well, at the time he walked me home and you started talking to him.. I just wanted to get away from him. After that, I was too ashamed to say anything. Her response was.. well then why are you blaming me? I said I wasn’t, I just shouldn’t have said anything. Immediately after we went to a family/friend gathering. My mother announced to everyone that I ‘supposedly raped a long time ago and I guess it’s all my fault, what a bunch of bullshit - this girl needs taken to the nearest mental hospital - anyone willing to take her’ Never told her anything again. I have since moved far, far away.

Stay the high ground, don’t react to their statements, don’t attempt to point out their issues because it will fuel their attacks. Stick to your feelings, your boundaries, your right to make your own decisions about what is best for you.

I don't know about their diagnosis. But I'd argue that a person who flips from "I'm so happy to hear from you after all these years" to something akin to "If you speak up bxxxx, you'll regret it" in a little over 6 months, isn't normal.

“I was just joking.” “I was just trying to help.” I heard these most often when I confronted. Or they laughed like I had just told a joke. OR they just completely ignored me. But I also got the others you mentioned, DrC. The ones I listed were what I got the most often. Made it home safely even tho my flight was canceled and I caught the red eye flight instead. Hope you’re having a great week!

Make sense for it to be thrown to the highest of narcs insecurities=head games.Another peice of success for us team healthy.Applaued to Dr.C😊

Les, I just wanted to say thank you. Of those I have seen in your field on KZfaq, you are my favorite. I have been the victim narcissism, and I didn't know what was happening, or why. I believe I have it together enough to heal now, but you initiated the healing process. I just think of the 1000's of people you have helped including myself and I felt compelled to let you know. Thank you~

“I can’t remember!” Is what I have gotten through the years. Or, “ I’m confused “

I love Gus! (Dr. Carter rocks too!!)

"I was just...." Yup. Every single time!!!

Just wow. Thank you Dr C. I really thought "I" was going crazy simply dealing with this insidious behavior. But now I know, it's okay to just 'keep being me' 😊

Every video, you clear up more and more for me of the craziness of the narcissist. There are so many people who don’t know they are being played like I was for such a long time. It’s so sad. Thanks again for another meaningful video.

They say; im not going to talk with you in an autority way while being ridiculous..

I get ‘I do my research, you just mouth social media’ and ‘I work from logic not emotion’ and ‘who do you think you are…? ‘

“Since when did you start being so Godly like”? I have always been Godly like, you’re the one that tries to make me look so evil. Is just one of things he has said to me lately.

Thank you Dr. C. You made a seismic point at the end of the video. Sometimes it is necessary to stand your ground for the sake of your Dignity and self-Respect and confront the narcissist with Civility :). (I am listening & learning) You have saved me thousand$ in therapy over the years.

I have harped on my elderly mother about communication for years now. I ask for communication, but I know I will never get it and that's because of HER. I gray rock as much as possible, and she can't stand it. Dr. Ramani said last week in a video that communication is only able to occur when you have two healthy people who are self-aware and non-antagonistic. No wonder. I'm stuck around unhealthy people who are only looking for fights and cannot be authentic or genuine. My mother has never tried to control her temper and self-reflect on her actions. So today she went after me about communication -- weaponizing it against me. A few days earlier I tried to communicate with her, and she rolled her eyes at me while I was talking, completely invalidating me and what I was saying. Every time I try, she does something selfish and stupid like this. But oh it's my fault and not her being completely incapable of shutting the hell up and just being present without starting a fight. This morning when I pointed out that I tried to communicate with her but she rolled her eyes, whoops, here we go, self-destruct mode. The worst part was the escalation she chose because I pointed out her bad behavior. The screeching began. "You want me to drop dead!" And I responded, deadpan, "Sure do." Because I do. I really, really do. I've had it. "It'll be soon! You better get ready for it!" "I absolutely cannot wait for you to drop dead." "I never once said or wished for YOU to drop dead!" "No, you don't have to say anything. Your behavior throughout the years was more than enough confirmation for me. Maybe now you'll understand what it feels like to be hated when you haven't done anything." I said it because I knew the reaction I'd get out of her, and she didn't disappoint. She lost her shit, tried to blame shift and guilt me, and I walked out the door to go to work. Eight in the morning and she has to start drama. If my offspring hated me, I'd want to know why so I could come to an understanding and try to fix it. But we know narcs will never do that. The delusions and the false self are far too powerful to break through. You have to feel all the pain that they don't want. Hang in there, survivors. Fist bumps and high fives all around. Thank you, Dr. C.

Thank You Dr. Carter!😊🎉

Number ONE- when you ask them something they always say they didn't understand or heard you. That gives them time to figure out how to deflect the direct answer.

I once read in a good book that “defenses do what they defend.” I didn’t get it at first, but now I think I understand. Defenses are used when one is not really sure. Hence, defenses actually do the very thing the defender is trying to not show, which is he/she is not sure. If they were really, really sure, defenses would not be needed.

Literally prayed for advice on a similar topic because on my own resources I'll muck it up. Thanks Dr. Carter.

Yes,I use to tell my ex NARC let's talk about yesterday,my ex NARC will say No I don't want to talk about it, because you might get upset,I said do it sound like I'm upset,he will say Naw I know you ,you will fipp out,They something, Single life is Beautiful ❤

3 months no contact! Working on healing thanks to you Dr. C and Gus❤

❤🎉WHEN ONE IS A LOVING AND GIVING PERSON IT IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND THE VICIOUSNESS OF NARCISSISTS BUT U MAKE IT PLAIN AND CLEAR TU

Looking up what care means. The best one was protective attention of a situation or action. They seek 100% protective attention.

“You can’t live life being so sensitive every time someone says something you don’t like.”-her response to me hating how she compares me to her friends’ kids 24/7

Before I listen, here in order, are the ones my narcissistic sister did the last time I saw her: 1. Deflection 2. Blame Shifting 3. What Aboutism 4. Denial 5. Gaslighting 6. Temper Tantrum 7. RAGE - then she ran away to her car to the DISCARD PHASE. 🤭🤭🤭

Your advice is always clear, helpful and compassionate for those who are trying, trying, trying to live a healthy emotional life with a narcissist. Thank you for your time, and this video.

Thank you so much. I get so flustered by these games.

My mum asked me the question ‘why’? when I was telling her how he treats me and how hard it is to talk or discuss anything with him. Why? Indeed …. He has a lovely wife, beautiful kids, now adults, and a home yet his behaviour could’ve easily driven us all way. I couldn’t answer her question of why? Other than telling her that he’s a narcassist and that’s part of their vile behaviour. They just don’t care.

Books needed by you

Dr. C is an outright PHILANTHROPIST. Giving out this wealth of information. I strive to be more like him, more intelligent and knowledgeable and a leader teacher

I just told a HUGE HUGE HUGE TRUTH 2 days ago and she flipped out by saying I did not know this is news to me. And she said I wish … can hear what you are telling me cause this is the first time we are hearing this. Then it’s not his job to pay you more you should learn to budget and get another job. Lastly she flipped the script then I stopped making her think she won. YES I REALLY NEEDED TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF. I do not want to quit or they retire knowing the pain they caused me.

They fake it but never make it

You and (Andrew on YT) both saved me. You taught me to repell a major league hover and double tag team flying monkeys that were both in person and written coordinated.... They flew right into a smiling happy grey rock ...splat. 💥 THANK YOU, I feel good. Life is rapidly returning to good. 🥳 ❤2u ALL

Thank you Dr. C. You are godsend. Love to Gus as well.

This video reminds of my ex when he was in prison for sexually abusing my daughter and tried to claim that it was her fault for "coming on to him". Like a 5 year old is going to come on to anyone, especially her dad. And even if she did (which I highly doubt), he was the adult and should have gotten her help instead of giving in.

That was very well explained. Thank you. Seems like their entire tact is to invert reality.

Wow! I heard all of those during my relationship with the narc. I was often so confused!

Thank you Dr C ... every single one of those points resonates with me! It's like you've been living with me, like a fly on the wall sort of thing! You described my experience to a T ... God bless you!! Your insights validate my intuition so much, such a great reminder to NOT second guess my gut!! Love you Dr C!! 🙌✝️🕊️💞

If we speak honestly about something and they feel shame, that isn’t our fault.

This explains why all of the very few family meetings we’ve had end up with the focus being on what the kids aren’t doing. Never a mention of how he can improve or how the kids feel about the family and household. 🤦🏾‍♀️

I’ve been confronted him and he’s playing the mind games 😢

Dad would tell me I am the one with the problem, never taking any responsibility for his crap!

Another beautiful video Dr C! Thank you! Hi to Gus!

My husband spent the first few years of our marriage telling me I was stupid, talked rubbish or imagined things. He couldn't bare me to not always agree with him. We've been married nearly 57 years and I've put up with him treating me like dirt. Now, at 76, I'm having to care for him because he has heart failure. He's enjoying it. I resent him and my life.