Yes!

I wasn't even going to leave a comment this time, then he said that!! 😂

I saw this comment before I got to that part of the video, so I was waiting to find out the context…was not disappointed! 🤣

I have an honest (maybe silly?) question... Though I have never been in a polyamorous dynamic, I'm open to the idea for a number of reasons. Do I say, as you did, "I'm polyam?" Or do I just say I'm open to that?

@@missnaomi613 You can say it in whatever way fits best within the current discussion your having at the time. Im poly, im polyam, im in an open relationship, etc. Whatever your most comfortable with saying.

@@FeralSwift thank you.

Absolutely

I'm neither aro nor ace, and I cackled at the hoagie comment!

@@missnaomi613 Haha yeah, that was a good one. The whole thing cracked me up for some reason LOL

That's why they have to have such huge amounts of communication. Juggling multiple seems like a lot to me too, but some people make it work! Some people don't want just one partner for life and they have like a group approach even to raising kids.

When I first started dating, it never even OCCURRED to me this was a thing that people do. I honestly thought you just dated one at a time and if one person wasn't working you moved on to the next. I guess it's just because I'm more selective about the people I hang out with, so if I'm not only hanging out with you but SEEING you, I'm already relatively serious.

Mee toi! I don't get why it could be interesting or tempting to date more than one person. I have no time, attention or energy to do so. Plus, I find it disrespectful not to give this relationship my entire attention.

It dies take a lot of energy, and if it's done properly it's a lot of work. It's fair to say that the effort is increased exponentially by the number of people involved, because the group dynamic is part of the relationship too. My primary partner has ADHD, and I get too caught up in routines if I'm not careful, so polyamory works well for both of us. Neither of us currently has any Meta or Other partner(s), simply having the option suffices for now.

I'm not poly myself (I know, I tried, it's not for me) but several of my friends are and they tend to have much better communication within their relationships than a lot of monogamous relationships I've seen.

Some words of advice from somebody older. 1 Dating should never cause you stress in any way and you should always feel safe and secure with a guy. 2 Do not ignore the red flags early on in the relationship, you will save yourself a lot of "I knew he was like this, why was I so dumb?!" in the future. 3 Think about why he's not dating somebody closer to his age, does he act like a boy, instead of, like a man or trying to play some role? 4 Don't try to change a grown man, if he's 30 something he already has a set personality, and your "love" and "specialness" won't fix him to be the person you would like him to be. Take care!

@@iridescentraindrops thank you for the advice. The last thing I want to do is shoulder myself with the role of being parent to an SO of mine

Lmaoo are we the same person or something?? Also 24 and dating for the first time and the guy is also over 30 and not acting his age. 🙃

Well, as someone who identifies as a dreamer and am quite shy myself, I say these things aren't ridiculously absurd. If I were in his shoes and my date told me a specific behavior of mine makes them uncomfortable, I'd not ignore that. And I can 112% resonate with not wanting to "make someone a project", but maybe that's not your case, every couple has disagreements because everyone is different. Thing is, if I've learned anything in this channel is that communicating your needs is in a non-judgemental way what you'll want to do. It's up to you, though. I'm just a guy on the internet.

Arospec here. I relate to this feeling. I also find it sad that some people don't want to interact with a person anymore after the end of a romantic relationship, or stop being friends if they had different expectations. I think a part of this comes from sadness. Like, ending a romantic relationship is complicated, even if the breakup happened in a healthy way, or if the partners agreed on ending it here. It is still sad to them, because they envisonned themselves in a future with the person. Also because the time they spent together was time when they were happy, so saying goodbye to this time makes them a bit sad. Same as like, when you get to spend a week with I don't know, your cousins that you see very rarley, and it's so cool and you're very happy. When it ends, you're feeling a bit sad that this is now the past, and happy at the same time about the great time you had. With the end of a romantic relationships it's that in a very intense way, because of attachment and commitment. So people feel very sad that the time they had together is now part of the past, and that what they projected of the future isn't going to happen. And even if they still like the other person and have good memories, thinking about them just make them very sad for a time so they rather not think about this person because they don't want to be sad. And for when someone wants a romantic relationship and the other doesn't feel that way, I think it's also about expectations. Because they imagined what it would be like to be in a romantic relationship with this person. So when the other said that they didn't want this, they had to say goodbye to this possibility. That being said, I think people can take some time to let the sadness pass, and still be friends after. Or readjust their expectations about the relationship. And they might need to not see the other person for this time, to let the emotions settle. But I guess we're all different and people and handle things differently. And I think the feelings like having ill wishes towards the person you broke up with and all the like is also created by the sadness and the hurt the end of the relationship brought. Like, some people find it easier when they can put the responsability on someone for the disagreable emotions they're feeling. Or they can turn to anger in order to forget or mask their sadness. So, I think that the things you don't understand aren't inherently linked to romantic feelings and relationships (even though they can be caused and amplified by it because romantic love is a strong feeling). I think it's just the way people deal with their emotions, that might not always be the healthiest, and that are not always easy to deconstruct. And it can also very much happen in non-romantic relationships of course, that can be just as meaningfull and important as romantic ones. So yeah. I feel like most of your struggle may be more about people dealing with feelings, relationships and their own emotions in ways that are different from how you dela with your owns, rather than solely about the romantic part of it. Of course, everything I've said is just how I see things and I don't pretend to have any kind of truth. Especially when I'm talking about experiences I am unfamiliar with.

@@polarisecho thank you for the reply, it was very insightful! Especially the notion about expectations and how the reality doesn't meet them, combined with your ability to process your emotions. I think romantic-sexual interest just amplifies the feelings, so if you struggle to deal with your feelings in general, that might be just a lot more with the romantic feelings? So you may need some timeout to process it all. I get how people feel sad for the romantic relationship (and everything associated with it) ending. However, I kinda don't get how cutting all contact makes it better. If you're sad about losing the person, wouldn't you be less sad about still having them in some ways in your life? I feel like many allos don't really give thought to a friendship as a fullfilling form of relationship, it's like either you're in romantic relationship or it's "game over". For me, having a close friend is the best thing out there, but for many people it seems to be just something they settle for when they can't have something they actually wanted. Like, friendship was an unfortunate coincidence rather than happy one. Imo, friendship can be as close and attached as you want, you don't need to say goodbye to the person just because you're not in romantic relationship anymore. Well, that's how I feel, at least. But maybe (probably) it's just me being aroace 😅

@@Kotifilosofi Yeah sure, I agree with you. I also feel like when you like someone, even if you're sad that the romantic relationship you projected into isn't going to happen, you still like them. So it sounds logical that you'd still want to be friend with them, and have them in you life. But, at the beginning the sadness can be big. And even though you still like the person and like to be with them, this also remind you of why you are sad. So, to let themselve time to heal, some people want to avoid the presence of the person at first. And then when they have healed they moved on. But there are also people who absolutely stay friend with their exes, or still want to be friend with people they have unreciprocated romantic feelings for. It also depends on how you deal with your emotions. And the insecurities people have, also. Because when you have unreciprocated romantic feelings, it can nag at you self confidence. Like people would have these thoughts saying "but why don't they like me ?" "is it that I am not good enough ?" "should I be more like this or that ?" And these insecurities can be tiring to deal with, so people can just want to avoid the situations that triggers them. What you're talking about allos viewing romantic relationships as more fullfilling has a name. It's called amatonormativity. It's the idea that romantic relationships are a "better version" of friendship, and that everyone needs it because it'll make you whole or whatever. It's an idea that is shared in fictions for exemple, and constructed socially. With the "my romantic partner makes me complete" idea. Like you, I think that friendship can be as fulfilling and important in someone's life as romantic relationships.

@@polarisecho I can understand even the scenario where you need time to process the negative feelings before being able to be friends. But I don't understand when someone's so absolute about never wanting to see you again. It feels nearly hostile, even if I'm not sure if that's the case. Maybe they still just greatly struggle to deal with their own feelings and don't want to bring you into that. Actually, I hadn't considered the insecurity aspect. Maybe rejection hurts their confidence so badly that they don't want to see the person anymore. To me it sounds crazy that even if you had your hopes up, you'd put your self-worth into something that's not quaranteed to even exist (the reciprocated feelings after confessing your love). It could be that the person just isn't interested and there's still nothing wrong with you. Like obviously everyone's not gonna like anyone that way (even if we were talking about allos), so shouldn't you just automatically expect everyone won't reciprocate your feelings, instead of having your whole world devastated when that happens? Like, why getting your hopes so high up before actually knowing the answer? I feel like I'm too aroace to understand, even with the good points of view 😅 Ah, I've heard that word, but forgotten about it. Yeah, that's exactly what I struggle with. It's nearly like friendships between adult people didn't even exist compared to romantic relationships, when you look at the media, people's expectations, etc. Can't help but feel like your aspirations in life are wrong sometimes. Or like people say, that "you're gonna regret" not choosing the expected path. Even if I know in my heart, that if I followed the expectwd path, _that_ I would regret.

@@Kotifilosofi People can get their hopes up because it's something they really want, I think ? Like, when there's something you really really hope for, like getting in this school you find so interesting, or that someone you love who's very unwell will get better. Sometimes even if you don't have any kind of control over it and it doesn't depend on you, you can't help but to hope it will go well. Because thinking of the other possibles outcomes makes you so sad, and people want to avoid the feeling. I don't think it's you being aroace that makes it complicated. Because there are allos people who don't deal with their feelings in the ways you struggle to understand. But it requiers thinking about what is romantic love, what it means to you, how to deal with attachment, and deconstructing a whole load of things and ideas that aren't always questionned in the society (like the idea of amatonormativity). So it's still easy for allos people to keep managing their romantic relationsphis in the ways they always have, in the ways the people around them are, in the way the characters in fiction often do. Even though on some levels, these ways can damage them and their relationships. But if you never take a step back to consider it, if the things you do always have felt natural and you aren't aware that other ways exists, it's very difficult to change it. Some people do the work of rethinking it all, or meet people that function differently and start asking themselves questions. But not everyone. Wherease for aroace people, we had to deconstruct these ideas, because we can't live our life and respect ourselves with it. Like, if I think that romantic relationships are the most accomplished kind of relationships, I won't understand why sometimes I really want to get to know people but don't want romantic relationships with them (this confused me greatly when I was younger, because I would have these people I felt really close with and everyone would tell me that I was in love, but I wasn't, but at the same time if everyone thinks so then maybe, but no I wasn't, etc). And after having thought about it, now I know that friendship to me is very valuable, and that it isn't inferior to romantic love. So, if I ever have a relationship with someone and our expactation aren't the same, then I'll just take a bit of time to recalibrate myself. Because I know that their friendship isn't less than their romantic love. It's just different and they don't control it, and that doesn't say anything about me. But I know all that, because I thought about it. Because the ways in which a lot of people are used to manage their relationships and feelings don't apply to me. So I made this work of trying to understand myself, trying to find different ways to manage my relationships and feelings that would function for me. Allos people don't have to do that. They can do it, and often they're happier if they do. Because understanding the way you function and how to manage your feelings brings peace and self-acceptance. But they can still function without having to, and when everything and everyong around them don't, it can be complicated.