Same but in the opposite direction. I always wanted kids and of course in my early realtioships (16 - 20) That came up at some point during the relationship. But since I‘m a little bit older I am very clear about that from the beginning. I don‘t want to put time, love and energy in a relationship that leads nowhere and will potentially end in heartbreak. I am not the kind of person that enters a relationship thinking it‘s gonna end anyway. Also I have been with People from other countries than my own before. So the question if either would like to or be willing to move, came up very early, whilst getting to know each other. With a lot of other stuff I follow my feelings too. But the things that would definatly lead to the end of the relatonship have to be clear from the beginng. Sure things can change throughout time. I have never been on a date though! so I am not sure how I would handle that there.

That actually sounds like a good idea

Same and I don’t understand how many people I have matched with on online dating sites with people that have kids. Just goes to show that it’s true that people don’t actually read the profiles 🤦🏻‍♂️

Honestly in general I think it's fine to talk about what you want earlier on--just phrase it in more general terms. It's not 'what I want out of you, person I'm on a date with.' It's 'what I want out of love in general.' My husband and I knew going in that we wanted to get married--but that didn't mean we were talking about getting married to *each other* yet! It just meant that we had a trajectory we wanted for our own lives and that helped us decide if there was even any point to going on those first few dates. Side note: That kind of straightforward, respectful, open communication still serves us super well to this day!

I don't think a handful of dates would be a waste of time, for either party. I can understand somebody with a really full schedule choosing to streamline for a dealbreaker, but it also has the potential to deprive them/us of some lovely moments, insights, and friendships. Not having the same goals doesn't equate for me with "not worth my time."

Oh my gosh, SO true.

That's so true, I remember all the times I ended my relationships at about 3 month, maybe little more. I think it's quite accurate, because before you think that this person is almost perfect, you have so much fun - but only after this time you start to recognise problems

I disagree with 90 days I think it is 6 months

I agree, I don't see the point of getting to know them if our main objectives and or core values are completely different. That's like driving down a street really fast knowing there's a brick wall at the end of it.

I would even say it´s completely normal to talk about stuff like that on the first or second date. But maybe american dating is different. Here in Germany nobody has ever seen it as a dealbreaker if i come up with that topic really early. I just don´t want to waste someones time. There simply is no compromise with kids or marriage.

I think there's a difference between making it clear what you want out of life and what kind of relationship you are looking for AND rushing into a relationship and giving it a name. For that second one, you need first get to know the person and see if they are a fit for you and wtv it is you're looking for.

I think it's only a giant red flag to people who are not on the same page as you. I think it won't scare off a potential match, but it will scare off people who aren't, and that's pretty helpful.

As I never want to have kids I very soon put this in my info on the dating app - as this IS a big thing and needs to be spoken about. And it took away much pressure for both sides, as men then know what to expect and me too. I also think this should be an important info early on if you are looking for a real relationship, for sure.

You are so sweet, thank you!

Thank you so much!!

Interesting indeed. I wonder if this calculation is true too for those who meet online and starts a long distance relationship. Aka me. I met my ex date irl four times (each time for a couple of days) during those 90 days. The third time I lived where he lived. It sure lets you know some more how someone works in day to day life but I wasn’t discouraged when I left. If anything I liked to be with him in a natural place and not in hotel rooms. But I’m sure this type of living arrangement created some false sense of security and affection. Made me feel like I already knew him because we were comfortable with that but alas we didn’t last two months later. Its tricky to know which rules work in these relationships to make sure you have the best possible outcome. I was really hurt in the end and I think the way too soon closeness and the not knowing that it’s so important to talk about boundaries even when you’re scared of the future and you don’t know what to say, was the “culprit”. But these days I just tell myself he was too cold and wrong for me anyways xP

@@purplemind93 I've seen the same thing happen with online relationships, as well. Three months still seems to be the average for when things either peter out as we realize we're not really compatible, or move to the next phase of intimacy.

I can! Any context to help me flesh it out? Email me at jdecker@mendedlight.com

You’re totally doing the right thing. Keep being upfront.

I would mention it as soon as the topic arrives. I found the advice to not mention the topic of children at all very weird. I am not in love with the idea of love if I am up front about a very important topic. I don't want to have children at all and tend to mention it as soon as I meet someone I find interesting, just to give them a heads up. I was in a relationship, where it turned out to be an issue and there was a lot of heartache on both sides involved, because he couldn't imagine a life without kids.

I agree with being upfront about it. I talked to my boyfriend about as soon as I had a way to leeway into it, which was about the third date. Turned out we were on the same page, which made me so happy cause I got his answer before telling him mine so I know he wasn’t just mirroring.

Depending on the amount of time in between dates, I would say 3rd or 4th date would be the time to discuss that. That way you can see if you even want to invest in this person and build a aquantaince or even friendship. I had a hysterectomy at 24 so I’m in the same boat.

sounds like it works for you. and they have already said what they think about it and their reasoning behind it, idk if there is anything else. they surely won't say what you should do, because it's kind of unethical for a therapist. you are the only one to say what you should do

I need to know how that went because I am in the exact same situation I am emotionally attached to him, but I am friend zoning him.

@@tulip5210why are you guys friend-zoning them?

Oh, that is so kind! We are grateful for your message and pleased that this video has helped you in this way.💛

Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior and you have a ghoster on your hands. I have been the ghoster due to being triggered and having feelings for my fwb friend do when he would triggered I would ghost. I am healing trauma and stopped ghosting and instead ended as the friendship with an explanation. But once a ghoster always a ghoster if they are not going to therapy and working on themselves.

It's not a fwb if you're not friends. Its a booty-call.

That's why dating apps make me feel uncomfortable sometimes. I honestly don't understand how they expect me to know where things are heading from a few exchanges of texts.

We love having you here!

We love to be able to share our real selves with you all! Hair concerns and all😃😂

Just had a conversation about this with my husband. I'm autistic and sometimes get so overwhelmed with emotion to the point that I can't speak at all. He's a fixer, so he wants to troubleshoot, discuss and resolve things immediately while I usually need space to let the bees settle before I can figure out what was going on for me. But we both want to be able to communicate and share, so we've developed some workarounds. We use a colour-coding traffic-light system to indicate how much bandwidth we have for difficult conversations, and we also have a shared affirmations journal so we can maintain a line of affection even when it's difficult to express or receive. We also have regular protected time to bring up and resolve those little niggles to make sure nothing's getting rug-swept or squashed down. I get my space, and he can rest assured that he'll get his opportunity to problem-solve - if there's even a problem to solve - within the next couple of days at most.

I have a similar issue when it comes to confrontation and getting my thoughts out for serious topics. I have not been diagnosed with anything as of yet, but I often get very tongue-tied and overwhelmed when I am confronted on serious things or if someone is upset with me and I will get so overwhelmed emotionally I often am unable to get my feelings out at all (which I have trouble with in the first place) or I end up crying from anxiety shooting through the roof and feeling backed into a corner. I feel like I panic sometimes internally and it's often a struggle to keep myself stable when dealing with confrontations, as I had to do a handful of times working retail at my old cashier job. I often try to make clear to potential interests that I need some patience to be able to feel comfortable enough to be able to talk about serious topics or problems so I don't get so tied up and severely overanxious. (I also plan to see a doctor about possible depression/anxiety problems as a large portion of my immediate and extended family are on medication for such issues).

So glad!

We are so glad that you like the videos and are finding them helpful! Making a video on boundaries is a great idea! They are very personal and can look different for everyone, but a healthy basic starting point may be useful for many people.

We could definitely address that! Thank you for the idea and for sharing your experience.

Same here

🥰

I'm autistic as well and with my last dating experience that lasted about 5 months, I spilled my heart out and was a lot of the times brutally honest when I was feeling uncertain about us or having anxiety that we didn't live closer to each other (LDR). I got comforted in return, which was nice in the moment but when I think about it now, it would have been much more constructive if the other person had told me that maybe me having verbal diarrhea every time I was sad and confused made him slowly loose feelings for me. I didn't know how this affected him. I'm not an idiot, I know that it's not sexy to listen to the one you're dating cry and not knowing how to make things better for myself. But this guy had confirmed several times that he is the type of guy who wants to be there for the woman and that I didn't have to think about supporting him in return, and that I should talk to him whenever I was sad and so on. It's that "hero syndrome" I bet, some guys might love to be the savior at first but I've learned that it's useless and worth nothing. Eventually the guy will get fed up, but no boundaries are being set and when the girl is like me, a neurotic person who craves security and stability from the outer world just as much as from within, shit will hit the fan sooner or later. Some people really do struggle with knowing what they feel and putting words to it, let alone expressing it to someone else. Even after our breakup I had to coax it out of him, even though I'm not the best communicator as well. What bugs me is that he talked so gloriously in the beginning of open and honest communication, but time after time again he was the one who so rarely could open up to me about his feelings and as an autistic person, how in the HELL am I suppose to read him and to know that something is wrong? Especially when I can't even see the body language since we lived far away.

Psst, you can compliment her directly 😉

😀

Thanks. That's me but not nerdy. And that's due lot of pain. So thanks just because dealing with abuse since childhood I deserve to suffer and be alone forever

Sure!

Same