Thank you for being real.. true what you said the detox phase HURTS LIKE HELL.. i’m in the midst of it.. it was not even an affair but a heavy crush on each other.. we both can feel the deep emotional connection just by looking at each others” eyes, the affection & sexual tension in the air everytime we near each other.. so with all the strength within me I’m currently trying to gain my sanity, go no contact and choose to walk away before anything further happen

The real problem is when they won't even admit to affair the lies and double life is excruciating.

Sam, you’re the best. These videos are super helpful. I love your honesty, transparency, and just the way you put words together to express the right thoughts and emotions about all of these topics. As a betrayed spouse, I am super grateful for your commitment to helping others through these painful experiences.

My husband just realized he has been insecure for 45 years and treated me and our children bad by not being there and having a demon on his shoulder is the beast way to describe it. He basically had horrible thoughts about me from dating till now. He thought if I said something to him about anything he would turn it into something ugly and try to say well she’s the one with the problem it’s not me. If I went anywhere without him he thought I was going to see someone. I’m hurt but so hurt that he was going through this and I didn’t know because we could have found a way to fix it.

Thank you for yet another great blog, Samuel. Your content really keeps me afloat. I would very much appreciate a blog dedicated to the situation you briefly mentioned during this one; where the unfaithful and the AP are colleagues. This is my current situation, and it has been very difficult to live with, ever since I discovered their affair just over a year ago. Although he claims the affair has ended, and has taken every possible step to be safe for me, the fact that they still work together just kills me. He's tried hard to change jobs but has been unsuccessful so far. I'm afraid this will mean the end of our relationship, as I don't feel I can move on at all, knowing they spend every single workday in close proximity. I would be very grateful for your thoughts on this, as well as tips on how to move forward.

Thank you. I was waiting on this topic.

6 months???? Its been 3 weeks and im in excruciating pain!!

I needed to hear this . Thank you. So much❤

I do wish you had made this video earlier. This process has caused me so much pain in the past two years. At least others have the video to refer to now. Thank you for all the help you’ve given us.

Amazing video. Thank you! I really have needed to understand the process my unfaithful husband has been going through. He was in a 2 yr physical & emotional love Affair. He had moved out, was living with her, and had filed for Divorce when he realized he still loved me. It took a few excruciating months for him to leave the AP, to finally end the relationship. I think I have a better sense of his detoxing process from her while he was struggling to make his final decision to come home to me. Could you make a video on the unfaithful’s struggle to end an entwined love affair.. the process they go through to separate from the AP and choose their spouse & family.

Feels like my unfaithful had a stronger bond to her AP than to her husband. If it wasn't for kids I don't think the marriage would have stood a chance.

My wife kept messaging her AP for almost 6 months after D-day. She finally got over him and has now moved on. Your videos have really helped me understand this and stick by her side. It hurt really bad, but it was worth the work. Some people may say I’m stupid or crazy, but it was worth it.

This is hard to hear, as the Betrayed Spouse....I don't like hearing it. But I want to understand as well. But it also makes me sick.

This has been a hard part of our recovery, my wife doesn't understand this part (and I get it) but I feel it's all part of the healing and recovery process, which I am working on with her

lovely video

This was hard to hear but it makes a lot of sense. This is one of the hardest things i have gone through

This is so sad. I know its real and inescapable. And necessary. But so hard to hear.

Sam can you do one on a process of recovery after they e left you for the affair partner then comes back?…I have so many peoples opinions coming at me I don’t know my left from my right

I had a 4 year affair and when I broke it off, the affair partner told my wife. I then proceeded to text and email the affair partner. Intermittently for 10 years, reprimanding her and at the same time trying to help her get her life in order. I know that was wrong and pointless. Revealing this has really upset my wife, understandably. My dopamine receptors were still a work trying to fix someone I really couldn't help. Having faced what this behavior means to my wife is very troubling to her. I am humiliated and ashamed.

My husband went to Africa and married a woman same age with his oldest daughter 23 at 51yrs. I am struggling to understand this type of infidelity and polygamy affair.

I really want to be the kind of betrayed spouse who can process with my unfaithful. Are there ANY of us who have come far enough in our own work (I’ve been doing mine all this time he has continued in the affair) to be able to handle working through it with him? I’m ready not to shame but to support. It feels like it would be _worse_ than the pain of him-missing-her to think he can’t be _honest_ with me and has to withhold things that he can share with “the group” but not with me. I have learned he will miss her, and I’m ready to face those feelings with him, so why not be honest when it’s happening and give me a shot at showing the level of acceptance and love I can show? Hopefully on some days when I really need to be honest about how _I’m_ feeling about things that might be uncomfortable for him, he too can buckle down and be there for me despite his discomfort. If I can’t have a marriage like that (someday), then why work so hard to put it back together?

What do I do if he’s still calling her? Do I file for divorce

It was painful to think of the detox process and him thinking of her.

I just learned this morning that my wife has still been in contact with her affair partner the past three months. My D-Day was Memorial Day 2020. We have been doing work with a marriage counselor and I have been doing individual work with a therapist. I thought we were making good progress until I learned this today. I am soo confused. Help!

So it’s been almost 3 years since d day. My spouse had an emotional and very sexual affair with an employee that lasted months. When he came home and asked me to take him back he denied any feelings for her even though the relationship had been ended only days before he came home. I had trouble believing this because of how he acted. His words and behavior didn’t match. So last month he finally told me he continued to have feelings for her after he came home and communicated those feelings to her after he came home. I feel this lie for 3 years has damaged my trust of anything he has told me. I knew in my heart he did but he continued to lie. As hard as it would have been, I wish he had been truthful in the beginning without going into detail. Now I feel like this has thrown me backwards in our recovery and I’m not sure what to do with the feelings of distrust and pain I have now.

Can you follow up this theme with the effects to body/brain etc for the unfaithful when they do have contact months years after affair/detox? I read that any contact during detachment brings them back to zero, and have to restart, though each time they do it should progress quicker than the last. I can't imagine that chemicals aren't retriggered, or emotions revived through seeing them (not intentionally) or believing the anonymous call was the offending partner, or hearing about her from others, etc, even 2 years later. I'd like to understand it more and I think my unfaithful could use the info too. He wants me to believe he's not affected but his energy says otherwise.

What if my husband says he has pushed her out of his mind? He has been saying this since the first week. I have expressed my concern that he was “in love” with this person for at least two months and even if he has suppressed those feelings (which is a pattern for him and one of the reasons we are in this mess) that they will most likely resurface and I don’t want to be re-traumatized. He insists that won’t happen...that he knows now that he didn’t really love her at all and wants to put all of his energy into me. At one point he said, “you’re not going to believe this but I even forgot what she looked like until you started asking me details.” FYI, I found out on November 3rd so we haven’t even reached a month yet.

When I went cold turkey with my AP it was the hardest thing I went through. My sadness was intense and I still struggle 6 months later. But, it is much better at this point. And I need to take your advice and switch my focus when I start thinking about it.

I am just joining. My spouse and I are very new to the infidelity. He and I are both listening to your blogs and find them so very helpful. I am the betrayed. Is it fair for me to ask him to take the initiative to get the 3rd party help because right now I am doing what you said not to do and asking him to share with me. I feel we have so much to fight for and have a beauty relationship. His affair was very short and was only emotional because I found out early. Thank you so much for doing what you do.

I had to see him sing songs and play guitar songs similar lyrics, about heartbreak , so humilliant

Can this detox phase last longer due to the fact that the betrayed spouse doesn't seem to want the marriage to continue (in the perception of the unfaithful partner)? The constant anger and fighting and questioning, can these make it harder for the unfaithful partner to detox, thinking of how things were calmer with the AP than with the spouse?

How do you know when your unfaithful partner has detoxed from their AP?

THANK🤗YOU!!!

What type of counselor should I be looking for?

I never had the intensity of attraction to husband I had to AP. How do I possibly go back to a physical life with him when my body feels NOTHING for him ? Lots of good things otherwise, but not that aspect. Never was that great. Now seems impossible.

What do the various ways to detox from an affair partner look like? Or where can I find this information?

How can the unfaithful effectively detox when theres still some contact with the AP?. I would like to agree ,but I don`t. Wouldn`t detox work better with no contact?

He was telling me for a little bit that he texted her. When we were together, he said that he blocked her pretty kept a blocking her. I'm not angry, can't be cause that's only hurting me.

My partner has cheated multiple times with multiple coworkers and the two that were long term no longer work with him but every time things quiet down I catch him going beyond a coworker relationship with new coworkers and more recently tried to start a new relationship with a bartender where his mom and dad work… I was blown away. I’ve never seen anything so blatantly disrespectful not only to me but his parents and the girl that they have to see all the time. I’ve spent 9 years drowning in his infidelity and he says all the right things but has never and likely will never seek therapy and so I’ve lost all hope. It’s just as painful now as it has been when he gets caught. I need help with ptsd from it and thanks to you guys for the past year I think I’ll get through it and know how to start again.

This may seem like a crazy question but could the emotional affair partner be a sibling?

What if he continues to see the affair partner and lies about it?

I have been standing for my marriage for two years now and we are scheduled to go to court for his divorce in one month. We have been together for 27 years and married for 22 years. My husband has been living with the OW for 18 months. He did move back home last year for six months but he admitted to being addicted to the OW and then he left me again six months ago and moved back in with the OW. My husband and I barely communicate but according to our son it sounds like he is trying to pull himself away from the OW. Is there anything I can do to help my husband during the process? Thank you, Trea

My unfaithful spouse cut ties cold turkey. It's was an 8 month affair. He also had multiple websites he was on. He says he doesn't ever think of her. And that he had no emotional connection. Even though he was telling her he loved her. He says it meant nothing. And he's done with it. How can this be? Is he being honest or just not wanting to deal with it.

How many here had the emotional affair partner justify their actions by hearing we’re just friends ?

Can people get over their affairs partners if they still see them at work but don't interact

Finally

Do you suggest sharing this video with your spouse, if they dnt watch these videos? There are so many truths in this video, it hurts

In my case myself and the unfaithful partner work together but he took off for over a month. Is this his way of detoxing. And I haven't heard a word from him since than . Also I just found out he didn't quit,that he still wants to come back eventually. I dont want him to return so I can heal

We are 1.5 years post my husband's emotional affair with a mutual friend who he said he loved. Things have been great, but recently he seems distant and I feel extremely anxious that he is going to leave and when the affair is brought, by me only of course, he says he doesnt want to talk about the affair because he doesnt want to think of her. And when I ask him if he does think of her, he says yes, he wonders how she is etc. I just want to know how long can a detox take? how long will he think of her etc? I have asked many times if he is leaving etc or if he is still in love with me? which he answers no and yes to, but not with great enthusiasm. It makes me extremely concerned that he is just staying because its the right thing to do.

Experience internet right nowe were going with each otfor like one week, and then you get it back. 3 weeks he didn't get in contact with me. And I was healing Then we decided to where he decided that we could work on our marriage. But like I said, you went back. A week later. So now I'm in the healing process again.

She blocked him...is that detox?

what happen when their is a child

Please give a warning for the betrayed don’t watch this immediately following discovery.

My husband emotional/physical affair was secretly two months long and he says he was in love. Then another two months after I knew about it, more trying to hide. She cut it off. He claims it was a habit to talk to her all day. But it seems like he been avoiding me because I "act crazy". We are 3 and a half months of them with no contact and he is still avoiding me. But he also contacted some escort agency a few times since they ceased contact. He says he isn't in love with her anymore. He also claims he grieved about the affair long before I knew.

7:36 is my issue

I really do think this has been my biggest mistake in recovery. My wife has wanted. Demanded. And I share everything with her. She’s wanted to know everything. And I do think that these are some of the things that I have shared with her. And I think they’ve caused so much trauma. There’s a lot of confusion on what to share and what not to share. There’s a lot of confusion on how much details to give and how much not to give. I was under the impression I needed to be completely honest with my wife and give her every detail she wanted. But I understand now that it is catastrophically damaging to talk about these things to your wife.

🌟❤🍀

WTF! Do you mean to tell you spouse about your meetings and conversations, or deep conversations? Are you nuts? They can't see, text, talk or anything. Explain that please.

You only cover it in detail from the unfaithful couple, but often the affair partner gets the brunt of it. As a counsellor I found that if the affair partner is a women she usually is kicked to the kurb after. Can you cover it from that angle as well?

My unfaithful tells me he wants to minister the gospel to the AP and now they are only in the"friend zone" but he still pays to see her online. He let's me know when he sees her.

Any further interaction between the US and the AP is unacceptable. Unnecessary torture for the BS. No amount of money is worth it. #God&familyovermoney

I hate this! I did this detox several times for 12 years with the same affair partner the longest time was 7 years... no contact, no call, been to therapy still in therapy. I never felt like this with other man. Not even my husband. I keep having relaspes, because I believe this is real love it has to be, I CANT EXPLAIN IT. I wanted to be with him so bad but he deployed in 2010. I broke it off because I was scared of the distance and abandonment issues I had. We both had went through divorce b4 we meet so the timing was off. He is always there...through. He blames himself over the years for not stepping up to be with me. I had guilt from rushing off and getting married out if loneliness. My current husband is a good man, but i married him but never had the sparks or deep intimacy or chemistry like I do with my affair partner. I been on his mind too. He tries to get in relationships even got engaged, but it failed. I used pray for his happiness even if he was not with me. I wanted him to find happiness, so I could end this obsession. That's when he would call or text... like out of the blue... when I was the most lonely in my marriage... almost like we could feel each other pain. I didnt answer for 7 years. Until my spouse decided to do another tour and extend for 18 months...he has been on several tours in the past 6 years. I didnt reach out trying to make this marriage work. I was going to therapy trying to deal with these the sexless one sided marriage, loneliness and depression issues. My affair partner reached out during this time too. I didn't answer. Then out nowhere my brother in law expressed he was addicted to porngraphy and he and his wife weren't having sex like that for 5 years.. It made me relieved that someone else was going through this but honestly, it made me angry because They fake it too...the illusion of happy marriage. My spouse and our intimacy and sex didn't change.. I just shut down and this blockage happened. I give him sex but there is no intimacy attached you feel dead on the inside. I filled up my life being busy but it feels empty, so I would buy things over eat etc...and blow up or get super depressed cause there in no burn or desire. I been the only one going to consistent therapy over the years...still trying to understand WHY am I attracted to this man like this, and no my husband. This the longest fairytale. He is a great man, former military, owns his own home, builds things, works hard, does not do drink or do drugs, he cares so much about me. He even goes through this pain with me... it so sad. 😢 This hurts bad...we cant be together cause this society will have you feelings like your the worst person in the world...if you actually think you could be happier elsewhere. I stay because of my daughter.