AITA for telling my MIL that I don't want her here because my baby hates her?

Рет қаралды 4,921

Ай бұрын

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AITA for telling my MIL that I don't want her here because my baby hates her?
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Пікірлер: 60

@avernion 29 күн бұрын

I think it was pretty shitty of the dad to tell his mother to come over for a whole day when he wasn’t even there to deal with it. He knew his wife was tired and he forced it to be on a day when he wasn’t there to help. It was too noisy for him to deal with, but his wife was a AH for not doing it? I smell flags of red.

@itspronouncedawesomeharris2577 29 күн бұрын

At this point, though (10 months) this is the baby's learned stress reaction. Babies aren't planners or manipulators, and they can't be reasoned with. Why does MIL have to hold her? Why can't they ease the baby past her stress reaction with limited exposures? Why can't Gran be in the room while they do a thing the baby enjoys, then be in the room at a distance while Gran tries to play with her? And go on from there? I think a patient, steady approach, rather than some kind of "cold-turkey grandma time" will yield better results.

@QueenOfTheZombieApocalypse 29 күн бұрын

Yeah, I think the limited exposures would likely work but may need to be without OP there. At this point, baby may be picking up on OP’s stress too and responding to that (OP is stressed because she anticipates baby will be stressed, which then causes baby to be stressed).

@itspronouncedawesomeharris2577 29 күн бұрын

Sorry, super long reply. I agree that mom's anxiety and the baby's are likely feeding each other, but I doubt that mom will consent to be away from this process altogether. In the comments of her original post, she reveals that the baby holds her breath and can't stop holding her breath without help (a relatively common, if terrifying, disorder in infants, and should be clearing up for her soon) and dad and MIL don't intervene in a timely enough fashion for mom's comfort. It usually happens when the babies cry. The lungs get competing signals and lock up. Effective intervention varies from case to case, but it usually involves making the baby sneeze, turning them upside down then rightside up, or (sorry, guys) a sharp tap to the bottom of their feet. My son also had this disorder, and I wouldn't have left him alone with someone who I thought would let him struggle fruitlessly to breathe instead of just helping him. Mom does need to help facilitate this connection instead of railroading it, but she can be present and help baby adapt by practicing calming herself down and doing a scary thing without getting overwhelmed. Hopefully, baby will pick up on that, too. I think the problem here is that no one is giving baby an alternate emotional response to the situation, 'cause after 10 months of this, I'm sure Gran and Dad are also having some interesting subconscious stress responses to the situation that baby is also picking up on. Every adult in this situation needs to give themselves a vibe check, and then get back to baby with this mess when they're in control of their own emotions. Gran and Dad also need to recognize that the baby has a medical disorder. She literally can't breathe without help in those moments, and they're not teaching her anything in those moments except "these people won't help."

@beatriceaba8851 29 күн бұрын

Husband should had spoke to his wife before doing all of that. However, maybe op should have a day out and allow husband and mil time with the child. My nephew was like that with my sis mil. Now, he’s okay with her around. It take time and I don’t blame op, hearing a baby scream and crying is stressful.

@twinsearch 29 күн бұрын

My son was like this with my brother as a toddler. My brother is really loud and energetic and would come in hot with his excitement to see my son. We had to learn to have my brother come in more calmly and not force the interaction. Letting them be in the same room but easing into their interaction was important. Have grandma come into the house calmly and not come up to baby right away. Have her calmly interact with you guys without addressing the baby, speaking calmly. Allow them to share space without having to touch. Have them sit on the floor together and play. I’m not totally against mom on this because it is excruciating to have your child scream endlessly around a person and as the mom you’re expected to be the one not only calming the baby down, but also reassuring the other person that you’re sorry for their reaction, and trying to make them feel better. Neither of which you are successfully doing. Let them be around each other, but with space. Once they can do that, have baby start handing grandma things to bridge them together. Move onto high fives. It takes time to have baby be cool with being held by her, so allow it time to develop.

@ladylauraanne 29 күн бұрын

NTA. Husband is wrong for trying to force it. I don't agree with MIL not being there at all though, husband is still her son. The baby will probably warm up to her eventually.

@EluraCorenBooks 26 күн бұрын

FFS. I have 2 (of 6) grandchildren whom I got to hold once as a tiny, and then not again until they were almost or over 3 years. We let the kids have bodily autonomy. Don't want a hug? Fine, no hugs. The day my grandson sat down in my lap without any prompting, I nearly cried with happiness. (I did cry after we left.) It absolutely sucked, for 3 whole years, but the wait was worth it, and those kids learned early on that they have the right to say no, even before they could verbalize it.

@broadwaybaby05 8 күн бұрын

I am so fortunate for the bond that my mom and baby have. Its been so helpful for us.

@merlinathrawes746 29 күн бұрын

SOMETHING happened on that first meeting and it's just been reinforced since then. Maybe the detergent, lotion, shampoo, soap or some other product MIL uses has something baby is allergic to. Not a major, anaphylaxis reaction, just one the makes baby stressed and all baby can do is cry/scream. But I have to agree that the stress the parents feel is being communicated to the baby, reinforcing the behavior. Maybe investigate things that are present in MIL's house that aren't in OP's, then have the baby tested? Just a thought.

@tryingtothrive157 29 күн бұрын

When a baby that's not mine starts crying when I hold them will be a baby I do not carry anymore. I cannot watch a baby cry their lungs out for an hour or so. I'd visit and stay meters away. I can wait until the infant grows into a toddler who can better express and understand.

@meganism8349 28 күн бұрын

"Let it go naturally." Yes. This is the best you can do. You have to let it be natural. Babies at that age aren't negotiators. You have to navigate things carefully and in their time. One little step at a time, start with having her around without holding or stressing baby, and make the activities fun for everyone including baby. Babies are in a very basic instinct mode, if you take the mental pressure off for a moment then reintroduce the concept, slowly and carefully, they'll grow into a better place in time.

@user-np2dp8ck4j 29 күн бұрын

OP’s husband is the AH here. This is HIS mother. He should deal with the problem.

@MaryannePeters 29 күн бұрын

It's entirely possible MIL is wearing perfume or something that the baby hates, and if that perfume wasn't there, baby wouldn't hate MIL. Some people are super sensitive to things that others don't notice.

@Tues48 29 күн бұрын

They said they told MIL to stop using the perfume and it didnt help.

@elinorweed9892 29 күн бұрын

Give your daughter time. My daughter didn't want to be close to G'ma until she was ~9 months old. Then it was so much better.

@Sara_LAW 29 күн бұрын

My niece was the same way when she was a baby. Every time my husband walked in the door. She would scream blue bloody murder. He went so far is coming in without his glasses by the way, he’s blind without shaving his beard and mustache, which is in the contract of our marriage that he’s not allowed to do lol. We spent a whole vacation getting up and out of the house before she woke up in the morning and not coming back until she went to bed at night. Everyone was miserable. Now he’s her favorite person.

@starrhunter633 29 күн бұрын

Think the husband should be there with his mother and let OP go out or away. So they can deal and see what is happening. Husband just saying to do it won't fix it and makes OP miserable because she has to deal. Let the husband do so he can figure out what is wrong. Also did mil do something to the baby ?

@tammydownes2413 29 күн бұрын

Babies and children can sence things no one else can. Making grandma needs to go get a physical and see if something is wrong. Also forcing a child to interact is just the wrong thing to do. Let Grandma come over more but keep her distance until the kids gets used to her presents. Eventually the affection will come but do not force it.

@florida9728 26 күн бұрын

Maybe mama is having separation anxiety as well…in that case, mom is the only person baby needs right now anyways. An immediate bond with grandma isn’t a necessity.

@Tues48 29 күн бұрын

At least op isn't getting the reaction. I was told that when i was baby, everyone cpuld hold me except my own mother. As soon as i was handed back to her, i would cry. They didnt tell me when it stopped. So at least doesn't have to deal with that

@razredge07 29 күн бұрын

I'm not fond ot children (and never had any of my own), so when there are babies or young children around, I keep my distance. As a result, people say their children like me. The distance approach might be best for MIL. It gives kids a chance to observe you and approach you at their own pace. I think they instinctively interpret this as nonthreatening and respectful. If nothing else works, this might.

@f3ralsh0j0 29 күн бұрын

Simple applied behavior modification could fix this. Even if it was the perfume, the negative association is already there. Removing the perfume isn't going to positively reinforce the type of interactions OP wants. I was a feline behaviorist for 5 years and positive reinforcement training with a clicker could get help expedite the training. Btw for anyone who thinks thats weird, athletes have used clicker training to mark the exact point they have the perfect stance etc.

@paulalynch6746 29 күн бұрын

My granddaughter lived with me when she was first born, so I could help. A much older woman a friend of my mom, and my granddaughter took one look and screamed so loud and hard at 4 days old. It was so horrific. Granddaughter is 2 now, no longer screams but keeps a distance.

@donnathomasson9624 28 күн бұрын

It could be her style of makeup. It sounds silly, but my very happytoddler used to scream hysterically the entire time his Aunt Bonnie was in the room. I finally realized that she looked a lot like the Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid.

@sakuradayz15 24 күн бұрын

Oh my, how did that conversation go?

@donnathomasson9624 24 күн бұрын

@@sakuradayz15 I never mentioned it to her. How do you tell someone you love that she looks like a Disney villain? We thought it was kind of hilarious. She divorced my uncle and moved away, so the terror didn't last long. We still tease Marco about it, though. :)

@megnotmegan1966 Ай бұрын

OP should take herself out when grandma comes over and give them some time together to bond without mom there. It might be all it takes.

@vernss3092 29 күн бұрын

Agreed, sounds like baby is picking up on mom's emotions.

@alyssat7809 29 күн бұрын

Oh hell no

@yamairad1 29 күн бұрын

@alyssat7809 I'm with you. I can not imagine leaving my kid to suffer so they can be with MIL. F that. Nope times 100

@mrsbobanna 29 күн бұрын

Baby is picking up the mom's stress

@ravenmom 27 күн бұрын

Honestly this happene with my daughter and her dad. She disliked him from day 1.. but thats because she had a choice between us. Without me there my girl would run to him. Now that she's older she loves going with her dad and is so excited.

@kayjacoby290 29 күн бұрын

It was an AH move on part of hubby to just send his mom over. If he wants to force the bonding, he should take the baby to his MIL's for the day. Send OP out for a spa day or something else distracting. Even half a day. Have they tried meeting MIL out somewhere? Have they tried having MIL come over when OP is not home? Have they run this behavior by a doctor? Maybe everybody go to the baby's next appointment (MIL drive separately) so doctor can see the dynamic and objectively observe it. It does seem OP is using baby to project. Could be a subconscious protective, territorial thing. Especially if hubby is at all a mama's boy or OP has/had postpartum depression.

@imartinez2518 29 күн бұрын

Sorry I might of missed it. Is op a stay at home mom? I am and because I spend all my time with my kids guess what I’m the person they are glued to majority of the time. When my twins were young they had so many doc appointments and therapies and I was told by medical professionals they need to be with other people other than just me all the time. So what you can do is if you got errands to run. MIL and Hubby are with the baby while you are out. Hubby should be somewhere the baby cannot see and only come to the rescue when he absolutely needs to but having “alone” time with real interference should help bring some harmony to the situation.

@sharonhoupt5053 29 күн бұрын

Let MIL babysit for a few hours a couple of days a week. Mom can go shopping, get her hair done, etc.

@meganlucas1718 29 күн бұрын

My youngest niece was like this with me, we just kinda waited it out. The funny thing is of all my niblings, she's the most like me lol 😂

@carolyngrayston6889 29 күн бұрын

How abut when they go to Gramma's house? What happens then?

@kmbaldwin5325 23 күн бұрын

Babies are just weird sometimes. My oldest screamed at the sight of ANY man with facial hair (including his grandpas) for like the first year of his life. Baby will outgrow this.

@Yoonki1993 Күн бұрын

9:06 my point that I want to make is that in the story I didn’t actually hear her say that the baby hated her she said that she wished her and her husband had warned her first because they had had a rough night with teething so I don’t really see her as a-hole

@Ladiofthewoods 29 күн бұрын

Try associating MIL with something positive. Maybe at first MIL can carry a small toy/trinket with her that peaks the baby's interest, maybe a treat she can have while on MIL's lap. Perhaps have grandma meet them at the park, a zoo or the three can simply go for walks together. The trick is to make grandma's visit a positive experience. Honestly, my youngest granddaughter didn't want me to hold her, talk to her or have anything to do with her when she was born. She would actually move away from my voice in utero, no exaggeration, it is a standing joke in my family. Now, we are extremely close (they live w/me) but it did take her a bit of time. I starting singing to her when she was fussy and believe that was the thing that did it. OP is not the ah for being protective of her daughter nor for the feeling she herself experiences dealing with her daughter's distress.

@aspidistraeliator 28 күн бұрын

Sadly my sister was like to our mother in a way. Just like me she started talking early. But she would only talk to me or her toys, NEVER in the presence of our mom(i am 10 years older btw) she started talking at 9 months. She spoke to our mother at 2.5 years, and in a full sentence at that. My grandmother had told my mom for over a year to ignore her until she spoke. Mom couldn't do that for the longest then a couple of months past her 2nd birthday mom got pissed off and finally did what grandma said, STILL took month for my(still) stubborn arsed sister to speak to her. And when she did she yelled, lol, "NO, i hate those) mom picked the wrong color shorts..........i have never in my life seen a person so happy to be yelled at by her child.

@letsgetsomecake 29 күн бұрын

When I was a baby I hated everyone except my mom and her mom 😂

@patriciagill7713 28 күн бұрын

NTA - if she had outright said the words "my baby hates you, you need to leave" then she would be. The husband made a decision without running it past her and she simply said not today. I don't agree that avoidance is the best option, but in this situation she wasn't going to allow herself to be forced into a WHOLE day of it. The MIL sounds like such a sweet and patient lady.

@ElizabethAlexander 29 күн бұрын

I hate to say this, but since no one else is I will. How do we know MIL didn’t cause the baby trauma or abuse the baby in some way? The type of reaction OP is describing sounds an awful lot like the reaction my niece had whenever her abusive father entered the room. We didn’t know about the abuse until much later, but she would go into violent screaming terrors at the mere sight of him, even as an infant. She’d be completely fine with everyone except him, for reasons we didn’t yet understand. Once we found out about the abuse, it all made sense. Not sure there’s anything OP can do to find out if this is the case, short of keeping the baby away from grandma for the foreseeable future.

@meganism8349 28 күн бұрын

I was super worried about that too! I hope that's not the case!

@rebeccaatkins2514 29 күн бұрын

NTA

@amandahayes4966 29 күн бұрын

Noise canceling headphones? Run errands and let grandma hang with baby?

@florida9728 25 күн бұрын

I would never stress my child like that for the sake of an adults feelings. That’s crazy.

@Rainbowofthefallen 29 күн бұрын

💜

@cathybrookeburt2616 29 күн бұрын

I don't know if YOUR forced idea is a good idea or not. I've never had to deal with this before. You could be correct about putting grandma & the baby together without mom or dad around & kinda isolating them for a while. I don't know. My idea was that grandma should come around every few days and NOT hold the baby or force herself onto the baby in any way. Let her just 'be' there in sight of the baby with pleasant conversation & gentle voices & let the day go as normal, letting the baby get used to her, without any direct contact. Let the baby warm up to her from afar at first. I'm sure grandma wants to hold the baby the second she arrives & that starts the chaos. As a great grandmother, this would crush me, but I think if grandma just was in the room & around the house for a while & tried not to engage the baby initially, that the baby would relax around her. Hope so. Poor grandma.

@misssagacious 29 күн бұрын

OP should have just thanked MIL profusely and left the house for the day!

@katherinepfister4177 29 күн бұрын

OP is a AH. Probably a 3 or 4 on the scale. The baby is probably picking up on the weariness from mom and dad about grandma. OP is talking about cutting MIL off from their grandchild for no reason. Chances are OP already had some animosity towards MIL and the newborn picked up on it immediately. OP is an AH.

@carolyngrayston6889 29 күн бұрын

Drop baby off with Gramma and go on a date night.

@mangamegbe 29 күн бұрын

I feel really bad for MIL. She hasn’t done anything wrong and OP is basically wanting to boot her out of their life. I do think the husband should have approached this differently other than sending his mother over to his wife that hasn’t slept the night before. I suspect that helped OP be more rude than she would have been. ( I hope) Maybe let grandma babysit for the day and let the child learn grandma isn’t the enemy. Give her formula and whatever she needs for the day.

@animorphs17 29 күн бұрын

OP is definitely in the wrong and should be apologizing to both husband and Mother-in-law. The fact she has the audacity to keep the MIL from seeing the child is a level of entitlement that is just sick. MIL coming over was already cleared by hubby, so she should've just let it happen. Hubby is entirely in the right and OP needs to get on board or get out of their lives.

@alyssat7809 29 күн бұрын

😂😂😂

@yamairad1 29 күн бұрын

@@alyssat7809 Tell me you aren't married and don't have kids without saying it. She isn't entitled it's HER baby. She's not entitled it's HER house.

@MaraRenee 29 күн бұрын

The lies you tell…😂😂