My daughter did this until she realized that my ex would back me up. So that makes me wonder about how he handles the calls he does get

I think you nailed it here, Dusty. There's nothing wrong with creating, and enforcing, the boundary of "I know you're upset and want to talk to Dad/Mom, so let's do that tomorrow. Right now it's bedtime." especially when it's generic sibling disagreements. The issue here is OP being deep in the Dad Guilt and not trusting his wife to differentiate between something that the child *NEEDS* his comfort and reassurance for, and something that's a stall technique at bedtime. And Mom's already frustrated and tired of breaking up the sibling squabble, she's solo parebting while OP is working, and he's criticizing her parenting. Overstumulated feels like the wrong word here - Mom sounds fried. She at least made sure OP knew about the situation, made the promise to daughter to make sure Dad knew and to ask him to call the next day - and she followed through. That's appropriate parenting in my book. I think if OP and his wife can both take a step back and discuss this when they're both calm they will be able to come to an agreement on how to handle these situations.

I've known too many crappy mothers for moms to get the default free pass so many people seem to give them (even though I was lucky enough to have an amazing one). This man knows his wife's love language and called her to help her calm down. He doesn't sound like a bad dude. He didn't even bring up the daughter, SHE did. *She* probably felt guilty about it, which is probably why she asked if he was mad about it. And when he said he wasn't mad, but it did bother him, what she *heard* was "You're a terrible mother!" But the call was coming from inside the brain. He didn't say or imply that, if his account is accurate. She probably isn't gatekeeping the kids, but she's gatekeeping his emotions by basically saying he isn't allowed to be upset knowing his daughter was crying for him and didn't get to talk to him.

My issue is how old are the kids? Because the words "bad day" change with age. I'll use myself as an example. Up to 5 or 6, I would have temper tantrums. 7 to 11, I obviously tried to push boundaries. Then 12 to 18, I knew what was right and what was wrong. Throughout those stages, my parents did the best that they could considering their careers. Sure, dad went out of town for work sometimes, but my mother NEVER stopped me from calling him. She first would tell him what happened before I talked to him so that he knew what was going on. This situation is tricky because I feel like we are missing some information here.

Daughter can and should be allowed to calll; however both parents need to be in agreement on how he addresses daughter’s issues. The parents know her and how she operates. Decide on a set of behaviors and wants you AGREE on and enforce the parental decisions TOGETHER.

I feel like you missed a critical piece of info in your analysis. The daughter wasn't acting up and wanted to call dad to get a round mom, mom was "overstimulated" and used that as an excuse to cancel daughter's scheduled nightly call with dad.

It’s kinda weird how she brought it up. It’s like she expected him to be mad.

I have severe ADHD. I get overstimulated. Even at my worst, I can put my pets first. This lady can't put an upset child first? No, lady. This child wasn't trying to take advantage of anything.

Communication is KEY! From ages 2-5 my dad worked during the week in another city and I only saw him on weekends. Apparently as a 2 year old I learned how to play one parent against the other and at night on the phone I was asking dad for all the things Mom said no to and he would say yes, (ie trips to the zoo). They learned they needed to discuss all the things I asked for before letting me on the phone 😂

the daughter wasn't in trouble...she should have been allowed to talk to her daddy. She was upset...if she had been in trouble then it would be different.

NTA. Daughter should have been allowed to call her dad. He's her parent too. He had a right to be upset. Wife is saying he's not considering her feelings, yet it's ok for her to not consider his. Not right right at all. I'm the mom of 4, and if they wanted their dad they would have been able to call him. He should not be used as a punishment. Wife isn't the AH either, but she's 100% wrong

very true. Totally agree.

I’m sorry what? The daughter was upset and wanted to talk to her dad but because mom was overstimulated, she couldn’t. Huh? Mom’s feelings has no bearing on father speaking to his child. Op wife needs to be checked. I am worried for those kids. Op should prioritize his kids feelings, they are kids. They do not have the tools to regulate their emotions but your wife is a grown adult. There is something really wrong going on in that house, maybe mom needs more help with the kids. Idk, but something doesn’t seem right.

He’s NTA, she’s ASCON 2. Speaking as someone who DOES get overstimulated from handling my three kids alone while my wife is seeing the doctor, it’s bet easy to say something you don’t/shouldn’t mean. Apologizing afterwards when you cool down is the right move. Doubling down and being upset when your spouse calls out your behavior is not the way. I’d say the same thing in his shoes.

NTA, but... I'm a retired over-the-road truck driver with four (now adult) children. I know exactly what you mean and what you often have to miss in order to earn a living for yourself and your family. Make that call, but the next time you get home reassure your kids that you want to hear from them ANY time they have a problem or just need to hear your voice. But your wife needs to learn she could damage her relationship not only with you, but with your children if she doesn't let the talk to you when they really feel the need. But it also sounds like there may be issues with parenting, i.e., good cop, bad cop situation that needs to be worked out.

The mom did not say that she thought that the daughter was trying to weasel out of something by calling OP. What was happening was the boys were harassing the daughter, the daughter was trying to tell her about it, the mom did not care, and she just wanted them all to be quiet. Honestly, giving the daughter the phone so she can talk to OP while putting the boys to sleep does not seem like it should have been such a big issue. It is also very weird that the wife wants her feelings to be validated, but she is refusing to validate her daughter's feelings. What really worries me is the wife feeling "overstimulated." It makes me worried that it might get to the point she may verbally, or physically, lash out at the kids (if she has not done it already). Saying stuff like she did could be her way of warning OP that she is to the point where she is having a hard time controlling herself. She needs to find better copping skills, and a better way to handle putting the kids to sleep. Perhaps a more staggered curfew? Giving herself a five minute time out with headphones? Speaking to a specialist will definitely help.

It will he easier when thry are older and they have there oun cell phones

If the wife is over-stimulated that’s her issue she needs to deal with. What does allowing the daughter to call her dad have anything to do with her issues? NTA. But the wife is TA.

I have one child because I have neurological issues and that's all I can handle. Close up the bakery if you're "overstimulated" by children.

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What is with the “over stimulated”? 🤣🤣🤣 This couple are unhappy together as parents. Why TF did they have 3 🤦🏼‍♀️

NTA, imagine priotizing yourself over your child's mental and emotional wellbeing/growth and using that as an excuse to gatekeep another parent. The analysis was that the system of the daughter being able to call the dad to snitch might get abused is biased as the dad already talks to them every night. So, if there was any chance to abuse the system that one parent not being there, there were a lot and it didn't happen so that analysis is just giving the wife a pass for shitty behavior.

Absolutely not. You dropped the ball on this one. Dad is 100% in the right. Mom IS gatekeeping access to dad, who isn’t just able to see them in a couple hours; it could be WEEKS. When the kid wants to talk to dad, they need to talk to dad. That’s alienating the kids from dad and makes her an ASCON 1.

NTA. Honestly I get it. She didn’t even say the kid couldn’t call at all just that the kid could call tomorrow. Honestly I think this is just a communication thing that they can work through. I think they might be being overly sensitive to each other’s reactions to the situation.

Is the wife on the spectrum?

Op's wife " you're right she not, my child. Who's raising her, that would be me. Who's the one that dose all of the work while working full time, that's me again. I sending your daughter to you with divorce papers. I'm getting full custody of my boys. Being with you is like being a single parent already".

What is this “I’m over stimulated “ thing? If anyone thinks raising kids is easy, think again. You don’t get to whine that your safe space wasn’t what you wanted it to be. You brought children into the world, now you have to deal with them. What I’m hearing is that your kid wants to talk to their dad, who is gone a lot, and you just can’t be bothered. I think that sucks.

I disagree this time, Dusty. Why is mom being over stimulated prevent her child calling her dad? 100% BS. The child wasn't fighting with mom. She was upset about her brothers & mom decided her own upset AKA 'over stimulation' is more important than the child's stress? There was no mention of the kid being mad because she didn't want to mind mom. You have fabricated a great excuse for mom's selfish behavior, 'maybe', if it were a factor in THIS scenario, but it's not. I get that mom could be overwhelmed with being a stay-at-home mom & needs to get a job or a vacation or maybe dad needs to find a new job. All I know is in THIS story, mom was a bully refusing to let her child talk to her daddy because mom was having a bad day. Total hypocrite. Hangs up on dad when she is in the wrong. Pisses me off & I am a mom of 3, grandmother of 7 & great grandmother of 3 more. Mom needs to admit she needs a break AND that she was wrong. She owes her daughter an apology.

this "woman" sounds way too immature to try and parent anyone