"raise a black man and parent little black girls." What do you mean by that? I think you need to have some discord with Black Women, because us being to most collegiate decorated demographic and fastest growing group on entrepreneurs is not a byproduct of us being 'parented', but rather aged by our community and outside communities at an early age and we are taught from an early age men are very fickle and unreliable (at least Black men, unfortunately.) I think you should listen to talking point of Chrissie or Chloe_, or even Kim (For Harriet) to see we didn't get the better end of the stick. ❤

If you ever hear a woman say “a real man” it’s bouta be some foolishness coming after it.

As a woman, it's made me sad to see other women complaining about the zesty man thing. Especially because many of them are also frustrated with how BW are treated in society and within our community. I'm like: hon, that's patriarchy. If we disparage men for being "zesty" then we also uphold the very thing that causes us harm. I don't think too many people are ready to have the conversation about what patriarchy really is and what it looks like to undo it.

Black people don't get to be children at all, it's SICK. I saw a news story not long ago where the anchor had to apologize the next day because she referred to a 10-year-old boy as a MAN. TEN. 😡

My dad is a pretty masculine man, but he also valued expressing yourself productively and valued my choices as an individual. I'm always going to be grateful to him for that.

I definitely understand black boys aren't raised to be black boys AT ALL, as a black woman I feel like (especially in single mother households) we are raised to be black girls up until around the age of puberty, then we stop being "raised" and begin being treated as women that our mother's are jealous of. We immediately go from being seen as a smart, adorable and amazing little girl to being shamed for having the confidence they instilled in us ("You must think you're all that..."). Us being raised whole and happy into adulthood and finding happiness that they feel they lost access too because of our existence is not something that they want us to have. This is how they raise black "mean girls". Mom is often the first black woman you feel you're in an unspoken competition with and it never goes away.

As a Black queer man, who is built like a teddy bear, born between Aries and Pisces (Mar 21), presents masculine, is sensitive as fuck, is artistic and musically inclined (makes beats and draws stuff), collects dolls called "action figures," joined the military to "become a real man" (to serve his father's interests), fell on his face, realized he had to come out in his mid 20s, loves Hip-Hop/R&B from 60s to now, and is currently his mid 30s trying to deal in a "community" of fellow queer folk who are silent and cold as fuck to black queer men like me who don't work it like Billy Porter, doesn't force straight men to question their sexuality like Prince, doesn't Ru Paul's presence or money, and doesn't look like any of the beautiful black brothas in "The Skinny," and is just...a guy...I wanna say one thing to you. *You SAID that shit. Thank you two times...Nah, THREE times.* But another thing, you'll always win with me when you got James Baldwin on your wall. I'll say it till I die: We wouldn't have 2Pac without Langston Hughes and James Baldwin. Stay woke, stay strong, stay beautiful, continue to spread love, and keep your pockets full of dollars, even if you've only got $5 to your name.✊🏽

I'm literally writing this script now

This topic is a bit of a strange one for me. I'm a young black man who grew up in a single parent household with my mom as a provider. I never had the opportunity to learn what a man was supposed to be, but at the same time, I was never forced to step up as the man of the house because my mom (bless her) worked her ass off so that I wouldn't have to. But growing up, I never found myself interested in normative masculine things, like sports, cars, exercise. So it kind of alienated me from the boys growing up. I was drawn to the girls because of their constant community and expression, but I didn't want to immerse myself in feminine centered things either. I've grown up accepting that I am a man, and now I'm much more accepting of doing things like painting my nails and putting on some extra accessories, but I still feel like in some way I failed masculinity? I hope that makes sense. It's a bit difficult getting my thoughts out on this topic. Thank you for taking the time to discuss it.

Near the beginning you pointed out that cis-het men today are still doing the work and taking the responsibilities of their fathers & grandfathers but are no longer receiving the rewards/benefits associated with that. You are the first non cis-het man I'm aware of to acknowledge that as a fact and not label it as 'men complaining ..... again'. Pretty important, IMO.

For the past few years, I have been trying to uhh…define my masculinity. I’ve always been gentle and very much in-tune with my own emotions. Ever since I was a kid. And because of that, I’ve always thought I “wasn’t a man” or not “manly” because of that. I never thought I was gay because of it but I always othered myself because I wasn’t like my father or my homeboys. That said, I’ve been moving into my masculinity being defined solely and only by me. Very much gentle and soft, but physically strong and supportive of all people. So. I appreciate this topic.

Still not understanding why grown men feel they are important enough to tell another grown man how to act or dress that’s weirdo behavior 🤣🤣

Thank you so much for speaking on these points, I’m a straight black man, dark skin at that. I grew up in the hood. But I’m an actor, artist, soft spoken. I always considered myself outside the norm of most black boys growing up around me and because of that I always had to prove my masculinity. This put me in a really dark place growing up, I was fighting a lot, would think of cutting my life short. It was bad. I tried changing myself so many times. But I realize this is who I am and not I’m alone there so many different sides to being a black man. I love myself today . MOST IMPORTANTLY I also realized half of if not all the things I was questioned for would never be an issue if was white or even light skinned.

I’m manifesting you and Kimberly Foster to one day have a discussion together. You two’s brains are astonishing and I’m truly impressed at how intellectual and intelligent you both are. Amazing.

YOU ATE WITH THIS ONE !

what I don’t understand is why can’t men do anything without people making it a big deal as soon as a man does something that’s not as manly or masculine it’s almost like taboo or something. It either leads to him getting picked on or even worse I just feel like people need to let men be themselves without making everything such a problem

This was a great analysis on Black male masculinity. I am screaming at Madame Aubrey 😂 you ain’t right for that! So glad I found your channel!!

When will people understand that "being a man" or "being a woman" is not an identity, it doesn't define you, it is just your sex

I have 3 sons by 3 different women and 2 of them ended up being gay and i never ever made them feel any different for being who they are . I love my sons .

I wasn’t alive in the 70s and 80s, but I wanna know how black masculinity was enforced back then in the era of Prince, Rick James, or even Earth Wind & Fire. Did you see how those guys dressed? Yet the conversations over confining black masculinity to an ever smaller scope of expression seem to be louder than ever today in the 2020s… 🤔

I agree with everything you said. This was really insightful and amazing work. However, I will say that black girls are adultified as children as well. It definitely looks different in black girls and black boys as far as treatment, but black girls do not get to have a childhood either. Little black girls get referred to as "fast" and "grown" in childhood for just existing. There are a lot of assumptions that black girls, and black children in general are doing things that adults do at a young age already. These assumptions come from family and the outside world, even medical professionals that assume young black girls are sexually active or doing drugs as children. There is no protection or innocence given to black girls either. There's not a lot of comfort or support that should be given. Black girls get shamed for their bodies as children and are hyper sexualized and hyper masculinized as well. When a black girl is vulnerable you hear, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," too. Or when a black girl advocates for herself she is angry, sassy, or has an attitude or is trying to be grown. I think this is really important to keep in mind. There are also some black mothers that give more grace to their sons than they do their daughters. Not to mention, black daughters have to take on the role of being a caregiver to their brothers depending on the household. Girlhood Interrupted speaks a lot on how black girls are adultified. There is a series adultification bias when it comes to black girls and black boys, black children in general. We really need to dismantle white supremacy and break away from the patriarchy as a whole. I think that you really do a good job at analyzing blackness and gender. I feel like the experiences of black boys should not be overlooked, it definitely should be talked about more. I think this is why the movie Moonlight really has a special place in my heart. I feel like it's one of the only movies that really shows the reality of how it is for a black boy being raised to be a black man. I can't wait to see more from you!

What do you think about the saying that as single Black moms we raise our daughters and love our sons? Especially in this context. I do agree with you. When you talked about the mom getting on the sons level at 3 asking him if he’s a baby or big boy. Yep I did that too. My son is 25. Looking back that was horrible and the beginning of his indoctrination. I didn’t raise him to be the man of the house just because of my own upbringing and trying to break that particular thing. But I did adultify him to a point. Now I need to go have a conversation with him. Thanks for your content!

Being trans and dating other trans people (called t4t) makes you realize most of this stuff doesn’t really matter as much as some people make it out to. I’m a young woman and I do stereotypically “masculine” stuff like lift weights. My boyfriend likes stereotypically “feminine” stuff like baking. He lives his emotions very intensely and on the spot, whereas I’m a little slower and more analytical. Yet none of that calls into question either of our identities or our roles. I’m not gonna stop being a woman just cuz I lift more than him, he’s not gonna stop being a man just cuz he shows his emotions more than me. If your girl is strong, provides for you, she’s a protector, etc stereotypes, enjoy it, that’s awesome! If your man is pretty, sensitive, or other stereotype, great, there’s a lot to cherish there. Neither is an attack on your identity. It’s just a little different than the narrow mould you may have grown up with.

The fact this got me all the way together and I ended up having therapy 20 minutes after I was done watching. What great day haha.

I'm hooked on your content.. I love the way you articulate issues

Herby you are hands down one of my favorite creators. The knowledge you instill & the way in which you do it is unmatched. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourself with us ❤️

This was truly an ascended video. You really did your thing with this one.

this has to be one of my favorite video essays ever. i’ve rewatched this so many times. great video!!

Been watching your videos these past few weeks! Happy to consume think pieces from a different viewpoint. Love you down! 🫶🏾💐

I literally can't wait for all the content you drop. love your channel herby xx💜

Thank you for talking about this 🥺

Sassy! And this is hands down one of my favorite video essays this year. Keep up the great work I cannot wait for more videos!

Sassy. And yes, you were spitting on this one. It's really hard to describe, but there'a definitely a "time warp" somewhere for black youth. I feel like it's around... 10-ish to 18 is kinda all treated as if you're an adult. Which I guess *is* something that happens in many communities, and to many individuals because of, for example, extenuating circumstances, but with black folks there's definitely an imposition of that idea on us, both within and without. A lot of it is material conditions, if you've been or been in community with someone who's lived in an area with a good amount of gang activity, that shit is not a game. If you can walk upright, write your name, and aren't under 5'0", you aren't exempt. If you don't "adult" up and mind your fucking bussiness and/or get with program, the consequences are dire. There's no space for petty shit, or at least it isn't so petty any more. And a lot of it is kinda this... imposed archetype? Like if I ask you to think of 5 words that you'd associate with "black teen" and "black adult", they are almost certainly not the same that you'd say for "teen" and "adult", and chances are they're similar to each other. Why is that? And that's something that's likely more common in people who don't have community with us, and that impacts decisions and even policy in many cases. It's a lot for sure.

Thank you so much for making this amazing video!

Man I forgot to comment when I finished the video! My mistake. Loved the video and loved your vibe. Sent this way by Lil Bill. ❤️❤️

Just dropping in hear to say you are one of my favorite channels, glad I ran into your content!

😂😂😂😂 “Basically niggas wasn’t showing up, niggas was NOT showing up”☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️

Subscribed, i saw this in my recommended so this may be ur new hit vid

Thank you for sharing, thank you for bringing things to the forefront and thank you for your love. I’ve been quiet these past few videos bc I be listening while I’m at work. But I wanted to pop in and tell you I love you! 💕

Refreshing perspective that is very thoroughly and creatively flushed out. You're the future ❤

Oh he’s spilling 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

i love your vids! this is such an important conversation ❤

You are delightful and insightful. Funny and informative. You have a new subscriber and I hope you alllll of the success. I doubt the algorithm brought me here? So it must have been colormind. Incredible stuff. Hearing "you do not have to be your father" for the first time in the year I'll be turning 36 really opened my eyes. No wonder I have such a hard time defining masculinity, I've never felt "worthy" of identifying with it, and now the only "masculine" things I see encompass negative traits I don't want to emulate, especially now that I have a daughter. I can't wait to learn more from you my friend

1:37 in annnd subscribe. Glad lil bill recommended you cus I really wanted to hear intellectual discourse from a queer black person as a queer dark skin black man myself. Best of luck to you! 🖤 EDIT: video was great and you’re the cutest!, respectfully

The v neck sweater tho!!!!!!! Gorgeous! Ok just came from your A-MAYZing segment on Khadija’s channel. New sub. Love, love, love.

more content like this please!

this video is a gem

I kinda wish you did touch on A$AP Rocky, but I may have to check out the pateron so see if he is included. I feel like how Rocky has presented himself it does mirror a lot of what you said about Drake, but he doesn’t really croon or sing in his music. I just keep thinking about how often he called himself a “pretty boy”. But I guess an even better comparison to Drake maybe Tyler the Creator, but he was always seen as a “weirdo” and “white” in a lot of mainstream convos. As always, you’ve left me a lot to think about!

I can’t wait to get home and get into this! 😂😂😂

I feel so honored to be here before you're famous.

Your brain sis! It amazes me!

Just gonna address the elephant in the room that this is pretty much perpetuated by homophobic black women on the internet, sorry. If you have emotions you're "sassy" "got a little sweetness to it" or "in your soft black man era"

Aw man, I got even more work to do than I thought😭. You doing the Lord's work, kinfolk!

Damn, public school teachers should be required to watch this

Throughout your video, I kept going back to Moonlight. Great video, great movie.

Damn, this was great.

Cool video, but I challenge you to make a video on the adultification on black girls on the other end of the spectrum. Your experience is valid but as a black qoman with a brother myself, and an absent father, my brother was coddled and justified and sympathized, and my sisters and I were meant to raise him. And I know other girls like me share my story. Take that 12 year old girl you saw for instance with her brother, ask why a 12 year old little girl was left alone to handle a screaming 3 year old. Where were their parents? She WAS the parent. Most black little girls are forced to raise their little brothers, or serve him like the man of the house. Not saying your video is wrong, but that pendulum swings sis, and it swings HARD. much love boo 🫰🏾

Already made a comment but here's another one. They actually did a study where they had a bunch of kids sitting at a table. All of different ethnic groups, boys and girls and they had them all just doing stuff and they told people to come in. Watch the children and look for misconduct and the used eye tracking technology to see you where they were focusing and almost all of them, including the black people were focusing on the little black boy 😢. You know what else is wild to me. Black people celebrate Prince and that was the most androgynous heterosexual male I had ever seen in my life. Literally the first time I saw Prince was in a movie that he had and the man literally had on heels and a shimmery Gotti outfit talking about how much he loves girls. This was in the '90s. The movie I had of his was on VHS. I don't remember the name of it but the whole movie was all about Prince. I remember one of the scenes he was in an alleyway, but the thing I remember the most is that he was a heterosexual man wearing heels. But I didn't think he was gay and it didn't make him unattractive to me. I still thought he was very much so attractive. It didn't make him any less of a man. I didn't think he was a girl or was trying to be a girl. He was just a man who was a musician who was different from other men around him in heels.. and I had that movie in the '90s and it could have been set in the '80s. It could have been from the eighties. I don't know I was a child. I was under 10 years old when I saw this movie

You gobbled on this one 😮‍💨

I think that when we speak on black masculinity, black women should be left out of it because there’s always a gap between what people (even other black folks) see as our experience vs. what our experience actually is. I agree with almost every point made in this video, but to imply that black women are granted grace where black men aren’t is….interesting. Especially considering that every time I turn around there is a man calling a black woman masculine to try and employ masculinity on her. Again, great analysis but please don’t speak on groups of peoples experiences you know nothing about ❤❤❤

30 secs in and SLAPPED TF OUTTAH THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON

When you said madam Aubrey I’m in literal tears😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

❤ new here I love this

I love those glasses on you 😍

Wow BRILLIANT 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

Now I'm super curious about how Andre 3000's Love Below era would have been recieved if social media was where it was now.

I don’t usually consume this content but you know how to draw an audience.

Could Tupac be the medium between Drake and Biggie?? Still shows the “traditional” views of masculinity with some of his lyrics, lack of motherly love that forced him to “get it on his own” but has that softness through his poetry, photo shoots, etc that could be seen as on the “sassy” side in todays time. Maybe he could’ve been a transition factor leading to the Drake’s of today.

they’re not rejecting patriarchy they are simply picking and choosing

I have never really thought about patriarchy with the context of race before ..

I love Herby's videos he broke this video down beautifully and I love the fact that he honed in on black boys experience in education and the world vs women.

That opening 😂 You so damn funny

I’m waiting for your review on Chloe’s new album babe.

NEPHEW did his big one on this 👏🏾👏🏾

Last thing: When you said "The road to hell...", I finished it, in my best Undertaker voice, at 1 in the am. 🤣

Oooooweeeee sweet baby you opened my eyes at 14:08 breaking down the rush to manhood for our little black boys 😢

This really is such a great video !!! 🤗👏🏽

You know, I've never thought of "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" as a black phrase, but I've never heard a non-black person say it 😂

Great Video! Ik this was specifically about blackness but I truly believe as a person that comes from a Jamaican background, Biggies issues also stemmed from that survival mentality from Jamaica, the Caribbean and slavery which also had the same mentality it maybe better if I was dead. Which also is still in black American history. Just manifests in different ways

herby, could you do a piece of analysis on the heart part 5, kendrick lamar?

On your point about how your tone determines how emotionally available you can be and still be attractive. Where does D’Angelo come into it?

This reminds me of a experience I had that just stuck with me last year just walking through the park.. Just observing watching a black mom screaming at her 5 year old boy for crying and not wanting to participate in football practice she brought him to, literally the don't be weak and unmanly and cry spiel, and go out and be yelled at by random male strangers for not enjoying the toxic illusion of play that is so much of sports. While the male coaches meet him with their own internalized inability to treat him like a crying child being forced to do something he didn't want to... while his similar age sister, just stood by confused, before joining her mom in telling him to stop crying and to give in to participating in what he didn't want. Just a single moment that resonated with my experience of black boyhood. A perfect moment of explanation. As a Transfem NB that was my experience of being forced into being "black boy". Childishness of all kinds was policed, disallowed and actively punished and lord help you if it was childish and girly.

That second "your doing great sweetie" took me out 😂😂😂

I thought the "road to hell" quote was from Shakespeare, turns out it's not but it did turn up in the '68 filmed version of Romeo and Juliet.

Not hoochie daddy’s… that’s a new one for elmo😂😂😂😅😅

😂😂😂😂😂😂 this title FORCED me to click IMMEDJIATLEE! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ...they're SO sassy! While leaving no room for us to be feminine...but shame us for NOT being feminine. 🙄

0:24 😂😂😂

I love this! Wish you would have tied Lil Nas X into this discussion.

Have you ever read “The Man-Not: Race, Class, Genre, And the Dilemmas of black manhood.” By Tommy J. Curry? Would have been a great source to use for this video..

Thank you for educating me on this. You're a gifted thinker and speaker!

You are beautiful! Your face is so pretty

I get what you’re saying about the light skin softness but I think that’s very new and specific to this generation because Gen X had darker skinned loverboys like Gerald Levert, Usher, RKelly (yuck). And low key I feel like Drake and even Chris Brown got inspiration from Usher. But yeah Drake capitalized the most from it.

I’m straight not LGBTQ, so maybe my perspective is not tolerated here but I don’t think masculinity is part of any White patriarchy, it is natural. Look at Native American communities or even natives in African countries and you’ll notice a common family dynamic where the man is the protector of the family and the community, while the woman is the keeper and nurturer of the community and the family. This is in general, across the world. I think WE in the US are the anomaly with our different style of households, largely fueled by having the highest rate of imprisoned fathers in the world. Bottom line - there seems to be a family dynamic that has always existed across time and space that is counter to what is being preached here.

10:04 “Googley-eyed demographic” 💀💀

I think grace is deserved. IMO the issue with the sassy pant brigade is their own vitriol in the POV that is often shown toward their true desires. The LGBT don't shake up the room too much, it's always the hidden figures causing chaos. I'm sure a large part of this is the experience to mis-education pipeline caused by patriarchy leading many women & men of the LGBT to WANT to learn + understand more. Whereas many men tend to float off of talking points, etc.

I love you Herby!!!! 👏🏼💐💐💐💐 flowers 🫶🏼

I completed that statement 😂😂😂

He not wrong you can't be fat black and dark in this society. ❤

you know i find it amusing that right behind you there’s a wooden box with ‘things’ in cursive written on it. ya know just in case you forget 😭

Being a member of the LGBT community is not always synonymous with being s3xually abused or violated by someone.