For us Aspies, a good choice of friend and/or partner is someone introverted, who also appreciates their own space. Someone that has hobbies that they like to spend time alone on. Someone who is maybe HSP and can understand our sensory issues. Definitely avoid people who are highly extroverted and have no interests. Also educate yourself about personality disorders (particularly Cluster B types) Aspies who are unaware of these patterns of human behaviour are extremely vulnerable to these types. Thanks again Paul, for another enlightening video.

You need someone that you can be "alone together" with. I had to reach an understanding with my fiance long ago that there would be times where I want to disconnect and do my own thing on my own, but she's prone to depression and anxiety and finds me comforting, so we established that if we can be in the same room but not actually interacting, we could still technically both get what we needed. She's still fairly clingy and invasive, and doesn't fully grasp the level of independence that I prefer to function within, but she tries, and I give her credit for that.

I know what you mean. I don't think I'm aspergic, but I feel drained by interaction and can only recharge in quietness and solitude... It's absolutely essential. A 'silent presence' is infinitely more tolerable for me than endless chat, too.

@jenlovesthisstuff -This makes so much sense to me!! That’s exactly how my man is! I know he needs that down time, video games is his thing😑, but I my self like to do my own thing even at home a lot so it works out well. But I would like to learn more about the sensory issues you go through, he won’t talk about it 😔

My mother is an Aspie married to an extrovert (in her 60's) and they have been married a long time. While at times it can make for extra stress, I think the reason they have managed to make it work is that they have very different interests. My Dad tends to spend a lot of time hanging out with his buddies and doesn't really expect her to do stuff with him all the time.

Same. But then I changed the way I approach things. Instead of wallowing on the effect his actions have towards me, I started researching things and trying to understand the whys. In just a few weeks, I have learned so much about my partner.😊

I have been diagnosed with "high functioning Autism at the age of 60 too. It has been a bit of a blow to my sense of self because it has re-framed/explained most of my life and my difficulties with relationships. When things become confusing, I tend to get argumentative and use that as a reason to block people out of my life. It's great that you have a wife and have found a like-minded friend. That gives me hope.

Yeh im 53...just found out...still looking for help...only seems to be help in the rich suburbs. Explains everything. Job..marriage..friends. I now have sympathy and guilt for my x wife of 20 years.

Hello, I’m wondering what kind of measures your wife would deal with this situation. It’s wonderful if you can share with, I’m in a helpless mood now. Thanks

🥰🥰🥰

I absolutely love your comment. I’m a neurotypical who has loved (but been disconnected from) an Aspie guy for almost all of my adult life. It’s a really long story but we recently reconnected, by the pure grace of God. It’s different though. We’re both married, so we can’t be together, but it turn out that he had been on the brink of self-destruction when we miraculously reconnected. He’s proud, like most Aspie’s, and doesn’t want to accept help. I’ve made some mistakes, but I think-through these INCREDIBLE videos-that I might be able to be exactly what he needs: Someone to listen. Not judge. Just be available. Be patient. And hopefully help him get to a better mental, emotional, and spiritual place. Honestly, it’s a gift from God. I still get to love him...just from a distance this time. I get to be the friend he needs. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I enjoy reading and hearing from those who are in the thick of it personally. It’s so helpful toward understanding people that you care about. 😊

I’m so happy for you! You’re not alone and it’s perfectly normal and a common survival strat ♥️ (Most have no clue how/when they started to mask)

@@Me-ej3po Thank you for your words. Yeah, you're right or at least that sounds about what I had with my sister. Glad you guys were able to reconnect. Might have to try that sometime myself, now that I know more of what was going on at the time and not more of throwing your hands up in the air.

@@Siquomb1 Yeah, needless to say, I've been researching(on and off) for many years after having negative outcomes for actually trying to get help. I'm just glad I already had a background in looking at research previously, but lately noticing more people make youtube channels giving more in-depth look at the disorder from the atypical brain side in the real world. I honestly wish my typing skills translated to spoken as easily. It takes me quite awhile to write these things and the main reason I prefer typing over talking to people(dyslexia to start), as I need to re-read/re-type portions of sentences to get the full picture.....huh caught myself there. Thank you, not use to compliments about something that takes WAY too much brain power to do often. I will keep the executive function therapy in mind, thank you.

And howlong does this take for you ? I am in a horrible situation right now after an argument happened with someone on the spectrum who still told me a day before that marriage and happiness was there to the next day after an argument closing down all feelings and telling me to back off. I felt like a door was agressively shut down towards me. My messages and text did not get a response for a week now. Just trying to understand the other perspective here.

@@JazzvanderKnoop Under normal circumstances, it may only take a day. I've had extremes where a week has not been out of the question. It depends really on the level of burnout from whatever the situation was to cause the withdrawal.

@@Sarteth thanks for your reply. What happense to you in lets say a scenario where you are in a relationship with someone that you love. But an argument left you wanting to withdraw. Lets say your significant other still calls and messages you the first few days due to shock and fear of losing you ? This is what I did. I did eventually give space, occasionally just telling him I care, wish him a good day ( no need to respond ). I would only get 1 word answers to small talk but thats it. It has been 1,5 week now since the argument. I wanted to call for new years asked permission but got completely ignored. Is this withdrawal ? Or just someone who does not care about me at all ? And do you recognize yourself in this where feelings of intense emotions can be switched off like a lightswitch? Cause I feel like I am the only one in my situation who is feeling heartbreak.

The struggle is real for feeling like an imposter for not being diagnosed and sharing what you feel, sharing how you relate.

I'll be a an impostor and keep my 2000+ $ to see a specialist. If the shoe fits, wear it. This autism thing explains my life better than jsut having a substance use disorder or depression. Plenty of mentally unwell ppl still have friends.

For me. I got tired of reaching out and people making me feel like they were doing me a huge favor by getting together with me very few months or so. I'm an NT. Comes across like someone who treats me like a job or obligation instead of a friend they enjoy spending time with.

Very helpful videos! Agree it would be helpful to me as an NT to hear that communication, though as I get to know my favourite aspie more I'm sure I'll get to read the signs :)

No aspie will disagree with you there - while we're active. Once we shut down, though, it can be close to impossible. There's a part that goes "just write a text message", and a part that stares at a half finished text message, unable to proceed. Or getting distracted for half a day. When I'm in shutdown mode, I don't trust myself to interact with anyone in fear of making things worse.

It IS ACTUAL ABUSE. IM EXPERIENCING IT NOW AS I HAVE FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE. I'VE LOST MANY FAMILY MEMBERS AND FRIENDS (ALL OF THEM) TO SUICIDE. LITERALLY, I've tried to commit suicide over my mom not answering and she's stonewalled me for 7 years. I was born into a cult abusive birth family...... No one cares. My friend that suicided due to his girlfriend not answering was Aspie. I'm obviously Aspie. My husband left me suddenly. I feel like dying. It's ABUSE ON ALL LEVELS. NEGLECT IS THE WORST FORM OF ABUSE!!!!!

@@faybelle2991 I am sorry to hear of what you have experienced. While I am not a healthcare professional, I do recommend showing simple kindness and love to yourself. Yes to YOU! It is difficult for empathetic people to put themselves first above others, especially in abusive situations. It is not being selfish. Do engage in some self care rituals like a relaxing bath or foot soak, a cup of calming tea, a nature walk, a scenic drive or bicycle ride, enjoying a sunrise or sunset and listening to music. Please know there are advocates and help for suicide prevention. You can talk to someone who will just listen. So you can be heard and receive validation. They are available 24/7 anytime you need to talk at: suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I agree. This is abuse. There’s nothing wrong with saying “ I need space. I will be back in 3 days.” I do it whenever I’m overwhelmed and my friends respect me for it.

@@Tori59065 sometimes it's difficult to communicate that you are not available for someone. It's difficult to tell if the person will still be there or if they will be angry or hurt when I don't make it to a meeting. They might tell me it's fine but with people telling they are fine even if they aren't, how do you know if they tell you the truth when they say it's ok for you not being available for them for a few days. That insecurity in communication makes me feel even more overwhelmed.... Connecting with others is not easy as it is and the people that put up with me 'til now...I don't want to drive them away... somehow just "ghosting" them for a week feels safer than openly telling them that they are too much for me.... it's kinda cowardly, but I am not exactly eloquent when I am overwhelmed and can sound harsher than I intended when confronted.

@@mathilda6763 I agree totally. Sometimes if I'm in that withdraw mode, it's too much to let every single person know. That coupe be as few as three people, but it's still too much in that moment. And if it's a new person you've just started talking to, they always ask questions, so a simple "see ya in a month" just doesn't work, and it all gets too overwhelming on both sides. I can only speak to that though. The people closest to me just get it without me having to say anything.

Same to all of the above. Everyone assumes the partner on the other side is NT but aspie/aspie relationship can understand where the shut down is coming from, but it still HURTS. And yet I've learned to save relationships by just saying I'm shut down or having a hard time rn and then throwing the phone away. If someone presses after that then they are crossing boundaries. But so many videos and such on this topic just tell other people to understand the aspie perspective while never telling aspies how to deal with it. It's not a choice, it's not personal, but you also can't expect all your relationships to still be there when you've given no explanation or consideration. This was the breakdown of one of the best connections I ever experienced with another suspected aspie because they would just ghost. To expect someone to have a partner they can never rely on is unrealistic, aspie or no.

@Lyciumchld @Nothing Atoll Yes, on the spectrum or not, people can't read your mind. This video made me feel put off. I've heard about couples coming up with phrase or code word to indicate that they need to get out from situations like parties or are otherwise overwhelmed. If people stop texting me, I do try to reach out once in awhile, but then good riddance. I know how depression and shame over symptoms feels, but If it doesn't work it's not on (let's be real) on the woman. Neurotypical or not men bitch about how indirect women are, I learned to do better- least a partner can do Is help you understand them. There's probably need for techniques, but still

I think you have a point that the video may not address possible trauma on the side of the NT/partner of the autistic. Me: I’m highly likely to be on the spectrum myself, and I’ve also been the subject of submissive enculturation, silent treatment and so on in childhood from someone with NPD… So I experience and empathize with both the cPTSD emotion flashbacks and I also on occasion withdraw without notice. I was clued into how this feels unfair to the other person (which itself can be a challenge to see initially, when one is on the spectrum), and now I make an effort to pre-warn partners when I feel the signs of a shutdown coming (a learned skill that came with introspection). But sometimes dissociation, alexithymia, etc. mean it's too late.. To add some nuance from my experience, at that point, totally reasonable questions about how one is doing, and asks to “just respond” often feel like visceral attacks on my autonomy, choice, and governance of myself (these being deep wounds with something like cPTSD as well!). It can feel like I am not being believed that I know what is best for me in that moment, and that no answer or response to the other person will get that across, without more questions being raised, which then leads to more overwhelm and exhaustion. My conclusion is that none of us should stay in a relationship where we are constantly gaslit or made to feel like terrible partners, on either side in a relationship. And comparing plights only adds to the feelings of unfairness and resentment. Depending on where people are with their journeys of self awareness, coping strategies, healing, adapting, there’s just some combinations that will work, and some that won't. The people are usually good, but sticking with it isn’t possible without suffering. It sucks because it’s often people we really love, and “except for this one thing, everything would be great…” but the thing is,…. It IS present and that’s reality sucking. If it’s worth it enough to stay and each person is committed to some level of personal development to come to the table and communicate as healthier individuals, great, but if not, the painful truth is, might be time to move on. If you ask me, I blame the systems in society that keep intergenerational trauma on going, that allow folks with NPD to keep doing what they do without consequences, and so on. And sometimes everything clicks with someone, but the timing isn’t right because one or the other hadn’t come to certain realizations yet. And that journey is so individual and cannot be forced... I hope this ramble helps!

Also I should note: I agree that everything shouldn’t be on the NT’s side… or that the autistic shouldn’t bear any responsibility. Basically I think this video talks about an important issue, but from the themes we brought up in this thread, it doesn’t address things in the most trauma-informed way. To be fair to the video, it may help clue in NTs to the trauma felt in the form of rejection that an autistic feels, and it may help autistics be more aware of what is going on, but misses possible trauma on the NT/autistic's partner’s side.

Watch crappy childhood fairy videos she has great tips very basic easy like washing your hands stamping feet she has lot of free videos talk about relationships and addictions she really sweet explains how ptsd in childhood effects whole life

@DEMONIOKOPROTNIK If that's your attitude towards him it doesn't sound like you should be in a relationship at all. I would hate to be dating someone who prefered to call me 'fucking retarded' than try to understand how I think and find a way to compromise.

@DEMONIOKOPROTNIK That's an awful thing to say about someone who youre in a relationship with.. For their sake and very possibly yours it sounds like youd both be better off without eachother. So disrespectful, jesus.

I'm in a ldr with an undiagnosed aspie, he's not had any support or knowledge on his autism & coping. It's all new acknowledging it over the past few months. For the first time ever I'm being ignored, it's been 10 days, is this normal? What does it mean? It's making my anxiety go crazy. He's not read/replied to me. I gave a week before messaging but I messaged a couple of days ago and not had a response. What does this mean? Can someone help please?

@@zainabj8590 I'm sorry I wouldn't know. Every person is different and something might have happened in his life. Long distance relationships don't work for me so I have no experience of that. I hope you hear from him soon. X

Ugh, the feels. :( (except I’m the aspie side) clinically diagnosed, not a self-diagnosis.

It sounds like you need to evaluate if the relationship is worth it for you... just because you CAN deal with it doesn’t mean you HAVE to try to make it work. Love is not enough. If you have needs that are going unmet, that’s very valid to examine if you should leave the relationship.

Ya'll need Jesus. Seriously. Reading this, makes me think we are all in the same relationship! Nobody gets their needs met, give it up! Looks a lot like self absorption. Well I for one need Jesus. Can't get from man what only God can give. If we all put each others needs before our own, we'd all be happy 🤗

Feel the same here, I love my boyfriend so much, and we have been gone through a lot… But sometime he just flies away, don’t know when he comes back… when he need something, he will text me again! I feel like I’m just being his secretary… I love him so deeply that I can’t let him go, tho it make me feel sad and being abandoned

@@helenarichard I'm in the same boat. Not diagnosed but I suspect Aspie. Was sooooo into me in the beginning. Like over the top. Then started becoming less affectionate. Kept saying it's not me but couldn't tell me when or how it would change. Expects me to just be a robot I guess. He can put me on a shelf when he needs to be alone and I get no sex no affection and not even text messages. And he says I'm not entitled to any insight into his state of mind. Not the best attitude for a healthy relationship.

I completely 100% relate to this. Experiencing this right now, I've hit that "enough" point and it's incredibly hard for me to go back. I don't know if it's possible or if I want to. If fact, I'm pretty sure I don't want to and I feel so awful and guilty for that. And I feel like I'm completely unable to defend myself when they interpret my behavior. It's an awful feeling. It's like I should accept how they interpret my behavior without allowing for any kind of nuance. And it makes me even less likely to respond to anything but I think "What's the point? They've already made up their mind and intrepreted how is, how I am, it just might make matters worse." Feels like lose-lose.

It is a great video, and I believe that it does make complete sense if you know how the person is feeling, but the thing is, when you suddenly stop communicating, the other person doesn’t know what you’re feeling at all. I’m an autistic woman. I’m not NT. And a man I care about has been doing this. It’s okay to struggle, and I believe the way out of it is support and understanding. From the other side, (and again, not just for NT’s) it feels as though the other person wants to end the relationship, but isn’t brave enough to tell you to your face. Or like maybe they just want you to be a sparse play mate, and are playing you. It feels like pathetic to grovel for another persons time, on their terms alone. It makes the other person feel as though they’ll accept being treated in a way that hurts them, and leaves them feeling unlovable and used up, just because they’re desperate to try and make it work. So even though it’s helpful advice, people who do this to their parters should (at very least) try to understand how for the other person, it feels like an uncaring breakup. And that feeling would wreak havoc on any relationship. No matter what Nero combinations are at play.

It happens that often women get misdiagnosed with bpd while they are actually on the spectrum. A lot of overlaps. Noone tought that I am autistic. I think I just hide is so well. I don't know hot take thst stupid mask off.

Whoa.. that's an extremely difficult match there for both parties. Im pretty sure y'all can bring out the worst in each other. It's like a magnetic path to destruction. When you cling while he's isolating or if you give the impression of cheating and he sees you possibly being disloyal just because of misperceptions this could be a disaster for no good reason at all . Just false perceived emotions. Trust is the biggest factor y'all will have to have at the end of the day. You have to have trust which will take constant effort for both. Self awareness of how these actions may seem to the other for both. Maybe explain ahead of time what's going on and sometimes that can be hard to do.

@@Lisa-ub6zlaspies are also disloyal while saying they are so loyal. Don’t believe the hype

Hey. I am in the same situation with my partner and we're doing LDR as well. Just wanted to ask for an update and if things ever changed for the better.

How are you doing, are things better?

How are you doing?

Agreed same response if other partner is also aspie. All these videos assume the other partner is NT and just has to 'get it' and that's not at all realistic.

And NTs need to actually *believe* the Aspies when they say that - because my experience is that NTs have an extremely difficult time comprehending that anyone could be different from them and quickly assume dishonesty.

@@wolf1066 Exactly!

This is a great response from the NT perspective on an Aspie shutdown.

@@wolf1066 I started this very fast passionate sexual relationship with a very high functioning aspie I met on Tinder, who I did not believe and thought was a player when he told me he wouldn't be able to communicate with me at all when he starts a work project. He told me this the night we became intimate. I told him off and called him a narcissist and a predator, because I thought he wanted to "hit it and quit it" like most guys on tinder. Later I read up on high functioning autism and apologised. He told me he was afraid I would hurt him, but he gave it a shot. I told him he should at least text me good morning and goodnight, and a few texts in for a few days, and then he just stopped texting me and disappeared. I called him twice, left a message, but he hasn't gotten back to me. What should I do?

I'm in a ldr with an undiagnosed aspie, he's not had any support or knowledge on his autism & coping. It's all new acknowledging it over the past few months. For the first time ever I'm being ignored, it's been 10 days, is this normal? What does it mean? It's making my anxiety go crazy. He's not read/replied to me. I gave a week before messaging but I messaged a couple of days ago and not had a response. What does this mean? Can someone help please?

I'm surprised you still have people in your life.

@@msjulie3613 oh do go away

@@msjulie3613disgusting comment. ND people like us can be suicidal over things like this and you just say bullshit like that . Piss off

I was genuinely about to make this same comment

@@sufferingsuccatash3867 At least you know for the future :)

The information is very accurate. I like that Paul offers solutions to the problem.

Perfect English!🙂 and I understand what you are going through, it’s nice to have a relationship that isn’t extremely dependent on being together all the time. But it is difficult sometimes when you need affection.

Im in the same circumstance....im aspie...and i moved in with my gf...but 5 years later had to move out...her daughter has GAD...and it was very combative. We now try to catch up as often as possible. Her daughter wont let me in the house.

dont waste your time with this person. i did the same thing you were trying to and i got screamed at and dumped. of course a full year later, he finally accepted that he has aspergers.

This happened to me. He withdrew for months and weeks at a time after meeting for a day, he did the same with the ex: he left for three weeks after they first met and she slept with someone else and he was hurt. He doesnt udnerstand you cant leave for that long and expect the partner to still be there.

@@Vixinaful i was in a rl with an undiagnosed aspie, being aspie myself, and i couldnt cope with his withdrawal, bc he wasnt aware why he was doing it and i felt so rejected. my withdrawals were always explained and i made sure that he knew that it had nothing to do with him. I do that with all my close friends. I feel bad though, not having been able to deal with this better. It was the reason why I broke up with him and I still regret it.

worst thing, I am aspie and my ex was probably on the spectrum and for me it was obvious, but I wasnt able to cope with his emotional withdrawals, i felt so rejected. I regret that I broke up with him bc of his rejection. it's kinda ironic, right? I worked very hard to communicate my shutdowns and withdrawals, because I know how rejection feels. I shd have been able to deal with that better, knowing so well how it is. :(

@@lurrr217 Thats why normal people reject autistics, you hurt us too much for us to be able to go on.

@@lurrr217 Thats okay if you explain it. The one I knew never did, he probably didnt understand it himself and his behaviour was so hurtful (thats just one of everything he did) that I got very stressed, got sick and almost passed. But Im sure hes not just autistic bc he went into a druginduced psychosis aswell plus he showed signs of psychpathy so.. I think he was a covert narcissist who went into schizophrenia actually. It was living a NIGHTMARE to be with him.

I thought I just experienced this. So it's a thing where they avoid the phone?

My boyfriend is like this, and i struggle with it, but i also try to be understanding. I struggle with it because i miss him, and enjoy having conversations with him. In person, he is full of chatter and you would never think he has an aversion to talking on the phone. I've asked him what makes him feel this way, and he really can't give an answer, just that he has anxiety towards phone calls in general. I so wish he can overcome this somehow.

Well I’m not sure I agree. If someone is constantly ignoring you-I can understand why people leave. It’s been almost three months in this shutdown. Is this even a friendship? No responses to my messages since July. It’s now October. I’m close to just giving up.

I am a female with ASD 1 and get absolutely nothing out of talking on the phone with someone I don’t know well. I’d rather talk in person. There’s just no comparison. I also don’t like texting. It’s fine, but feels lonely. You don’t feel like you actually connected with anyone. I think it’s weird that people call someone they live with to talk on the phone when they can talk in person later. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It’s like going backwards

I'm autistic and hate communicating on the phone I can take days/weeks avoiding returning calls - I don't understand it and thought it was me.

I’m sending you a big virtual hug and some flowers 🌺🌸🌼🌻You are valuable.

This is so sad

Honestly that's how your marriage will be.. You'll be the one to compromise and he will never reciprocate. They put themselves first at all cost because they don't know how to experience things from another's perspective.

That’s because we literally CAN NOT function in that state, it’s NOT selfishness. I know I have to isolate when I’m overwhelmed by too many emotions and sensations, NT’s can’t understand this. But it’s probably best not to date or marry each other (NT/ASD).

Sorry, this is not at all an aspie thing... An aspie will disappear when he or she is overwhelmed, overstimulated, in a shutdown or meltdown. For example, after a long social conversation, a day of work, being in a noisy environment, not taking beaks to recharge, etc. It's not manipulative, but stonewalling partner every time he/she shows unpleasant emotions towards us is a manipulative behaviour, even if it is unconscious sometimes.And this has nothing to do with autism. If an aspie is not overstimulated, he/she should never disappear every time you show anger or unhappiness. If he/she does, it means that this person has additional problems that are related not to autism but other things, and this is very unhealthy.

I am I the same situation. I am done and have checked out. I am just hanging in until my children leave home 🏡

@@infidelcastor I agree. NTs and NATs should never ever marry or date. It is disastrous and destructive. I didn’t know he was NAT. It’s nothing short of impossible.

Ohh man this has been my struggle lately. I completely completely get this. I feel bad for even talking about this, but she loved small talk as well, talking about the most mundane (to me) things, everything she had in her mind, she just had to get out it seems. Stuff that I really couldn't care that much about. But yes my brain felt melted and that what initiated my shutdown and now it's just worse and worse I don't have a desire to say anything at all, so yeah perfect storm indeed. And it last thing I wanted to do was make it feel like it's her fault. Also I don't blame really does any good in this case.

I am exactly like that girl you described. Help!! I started this very fast passionate sexual relationship with a very high functioning aspie I met on Tinder, who I did not believe and thought was a player when he told me he wouldn't be able to communicate with me at all when he starts a work project. He told me this the night we became intimate. I told him off and called him a narcissist and a predator, because I thought he wanted to "hit it and quit it" like most guys on tinder. Later I read up on high functioning autism and apologised. He told me he was afraid I would hurt him, but he gave it a shot. I told him he should at least text me good morning and goodnight, and a few texts in for a few days, and then he just stopped texting me and disappeared. I called him twice, left a message, but he hasn't gotten back to me. What should I do?

It just sounds like you weren’t compatible

@@deedee7780 any update?

@@JDMimeTHEFIRST After a lot of confusion, I don't think he has autism. I think he has a dismissive avoidant attachment style. He fears intimacy and needs a lot of space.

Like we can help it...?

I'm in a ldr with an undiagnosed aspie, he's not had any support or knowledge on his autism & coping. It's all new acknowledging it over the past few months. For the first time ever I'm being ignored, it's been 10 days, is this normal? What does it mean? It's making my anxiety go crazy. He's not read/replied to me. I gave a week before messaging but I messaged a couple of days ago and not had a response. What does this mean? Can someone help please?

Help!! I started this very fast passionate sexual relationship with a very high functioning aspie I met on Tinder, who I did not believe and thought was a player when he told me he wouldn't be able to communicate with me at all when he starts a work project. He told me this the night we became intimate. I told him off and called him a narcissist and a predator, because I thought he wanted to "hit it and quit it" like most guys on tinder. Later I read up on high functioning autism and apologised. He told me he was afraid I would hurt him, but he gave it another shot. I told him he should at least text me good morning and goodnight, and a few texts in for a few days, and then he just stopped texting me and disappeared. I called him twice, left a message, but he hasn't gotten back to me. What should I do?

😂

I'm in a ldr with an undiagnosed aspie, he's not had any support or knowledge on his autism & coping. It's all new acknowledging it over the past few months. For the first time ever I'm being ignored, it's been 10 days, is this normal? What does it mean? It's making my anxiety go crazy. He's not read/replied to me. I gave a week before messaging but I messaged a couple of days ago and not had a response. What does this mean? Can someone help please?

@@zainabj8590 some people get overwhelmed. Just ask if they are okay and say you are around if they need anything

Like all relationships? No one is a perfect fit nor do people need to change completely for someone else. If there is no adapting from either partner, is it really a relationship or just two people standing next to each other?

There must be give and take on both sides

As someone who is on the spectrum,I can assure you,we do try. We *constantly* try,but to your and the other NT’s eyes our effort is just not enough. A piece of bread to *you* may seem as a giant rock to us,so I ask you,please don’t doom us as egotistical and emotionless or that we don’t take your feelings into consideration. If someone in the spectrum didn’t met your expectations & you ended it because of that,it’s fine,but please don’t go around spreading that we don’t try even once to maintain our loved ones as close as we can,because that is just false. I apologize if there’s any grammar mistakes as English is not my first language,I hope you understand.

Totally agree, I am going through this and I'm on the other side of the fence. It's so sad..

Most neurotypical people have an enormous capacity to believe that the aspie has a CHOICE and thus are being selfish and inconsiderate and this is not the case. Genetic wiring is responsible. An aspie doesn't think, "oh, I need a break so I will stop responding." I find unpredictably and unexpectantly there is NO CHOICE. I must sequester and "turn it all off" to get back to having a choice again. I hope others do not take it personally. It is not a selfish choice, it is an impersonal DISABILITY.

@@thankfullfortruth4964 Thank you so much!!!

@@thankfullfortruth4964 I am also aspie and have been on the other end and it is still excruciating even knowing where it comes from. It is not a choice, but it is still very hurtful and harmful. It is basically never being able to rely on your partner. Just because it is not personal does not mean it does not hurt. I've found ways to cope and even when I am shut down tell people I am shut down instead of disappearing and just expecting them to magically know when I come back.

@@jamisonlamkin5576 Thanks for your reply. The one aspect I failed to mention is the role of the NT is to understand the nature of the aspie, who hopefully INFORMS the NT about shutdowns, etc. a then it is the NT's responsibility to CHOOSE to not tell themselves a story that causes them to respond with "hurt". This really hurts me (aspie) when I am told a shutdown is just "an EXCUSE". "Inconsiderate" is a label only an uneducated and cruel person believes.

Hey Ellie. Have you guys ever struggled with intimacy? I've been getting to know someone, and she's really great: loving, kind, very empathetic, but I have been taking things very slowly - which I've felt I've needed to, and to a large extent because she's quite different to what I'm typically used to personality wise: she's very gentle, not really fiery, or very direct/forward, but very very kind and considerate - something which, on one hand, is very refreshing, and I feel like having someone like her has definitely improved my life, but on the other hand is just very different to the kind of women with which I've had any romantic relationships in in the past, and not what I've tended to be attracted towards (but I think that's just due to past experiences, unhealthy habits etc.). I've been taking it slowly also just to avoid hurting her, as well to be sure about things before diving into anything serious (so just to be careful overall I guess). So having that for context, it's just now been around a year since we met and this last week we took things a bit further, we were watching a film and it touched on some family issues that really hit home for me and I randomly got quite emotional... I told her that I could use a hug, and from there I mean we hugged for quite a while, but then we kissed, things got a bit heated (we didn't do anything major) but it was a step further to anything that we had done before.From that point on I feel like for her she felt she could really open up and her instinct was to shower me with love and affection, to really feel comfortable etc., which was great as I felt she'd really been struggling with the uncertainty of not knowing exactly what we were, wanting more I guess while as I said I was taking things quite slowly (I also want to mention that I did communicate all of this to her, the wanting to take it slow and why, but on her side I know she still found it very difficult). The problem is that after that, we met up the next day and as the day went on, I could tell that she wanted to touch/be intimate physically (by which I just mean hugging, kissing etc., not necessarily anything more) but every instinct in me was telling me to take a step back. We were together and I could see the trust/love in her eyes and it honestly just felt really scary, having someone place that level of trust in me (maybe because I've been there in the past and the last thing I wanted to do is hurt her) so I tried to just get through those emotions, and in large part I think that was because I knew that her reaction to any uncertainty on my part would be hurt/disappointment, especially after having opened up the previous day. That night however, we were lying down and she was kissing me and I had to tell her that it just didn't feel right, and I guess that the only way I thought to express myself in the moment was to say that I didn't want to rush into anything - something which I feel she took as me rejecting her love/her finally really opening up which isn't what I intended at all (I just wanted to be honest about how I felt in the moment). I guess that how I would describe the feeling in the moment would be that I felt overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted, but I still wanted her there just not necessarily to kiss, or to feel like I was being pressured to have do anything, or to prove that I felt how she felt by reciprocating her same level of love for me. Understandably, with her perceiving what she took to be a rejection of her love/feelings for me, things were awkward, and on her part I'm sure it opened up a lot of doubts and we ended up calling it a night. We agreed to speak about things the day after, but it was more or less from a position of having taken a step back now emotionally on her part, and more so a 'you need to figure out what you want' conversation, which when seeing her hurting and in pain just made me feel like it wasn't worth continuing to put so much effort into something only for it to end up with her in that kind of state... I feel like neither one of us was really understanding each other very well, and we agreed that maybe it'd be for the best if we didn't carry on pursuing things further, with the line of thinking that things shouldn't be that difficult if they were supposed to work out, or if we were right for each other. It's been 3 days and we haven't spoken, she said that she didn't know if she could have me as a friend in her life at all and to expect not to hear from her for a while. I've really been missing her and all of the little things like just making sure the both of us were doing okay, checking up on each other etc., and really in trying to do some self-searching/understanding my feelings around everything better, I happened to come across this channel and there's a lot that relates. So I'm just wondering if you've ever experienced anything similar with your husband in the early stages? And if so what did you do, and how did you solve it? I would like for things to work, but I also understand that it could be a case of maybe there being some fundamental aspect of incompatibility where maybe we just aren't the best fit for one another. Honestly, just not sure quite one way or the other at the moment and could use some more perspectives on everything.

@@angellindbergvazquez9002 tell me are you on the spectrum?.

@@elliecook3648 I'm not totally sure but I think I might be yes. As I said I just came across these videos and this account recently through doing some research on things, and there's a lot of things that resonate. I had never really considered the fact that I might be, I haven't had therapy or had a professional diagnosis, but I'm sure there's many who haven't. So I don't have a definitive answer, just the fact that many of the experiences and feelings that Paul explains going through heavily resonate...

@@angellindbergvazquez9002 Yes its the same as my partner

he has no diagnosis but there is no doubt he is on the spectrum...Are you male of female?

I know what you mean! You cant have one person working on the relationship?? Relationship is two people right????. I had an aspie partner once who kept doing this over and over. I thought im not going to sit here wondering what's going on so i went off for a few days with some friends to enjoy myself and stop worrying about the aspie. When he found out i went away he flew into this rage like well how come you weren't just sitting there like a controlled depressed bunny waiting for me! "Well that's because you didn't communicate dear, and there is plenty of life to live while you're not around. " I think most people can agree that disengaging without communicating is just a form of control and abuse. Aspie or not it's cruel!!. My advise is to grab as much life as you can when they are in shutdown mode. I think if they know that every time they shut down without communications you head out for a good time, they might think twice. Get out there and have some fun and get yourself some hugs!!! The one thing about Aspie's is they don't realize that a person trying to work with them is a gorgeous loving person and they may never find another one !!

I’m just worn out. I was talking with the sweetest girl who also happens to be on the spectrum and things seemed to be going along perfectly and then one day her effort level in our interactions completely dropped off and now she doesn’t say anything and I’m left feeling totally worn out from trying to figure out what happened. I don’t know if she’s dealing with burnout or if she just doesn’t like me anymore. But getting ghosted is painful. And I followed Paul’s advice but it made zero difference so far. Idk I don’t think I did anything wrong I was kind and respectful. 🤷‍♂️😔 I just wanted a sweet normal relationship like hang out and go for walks watch old movies together. Things like that.

@@anothernumber9753I get you bro, going through the same thing, ask her about it since you know what she might be going through bring it up to her, if she hasn’t blocked you yet it might be that.

Mine too. During 20 years together he does this on a regular basis.Last time we were apart for over 12 months. I do leave him alone with the understanding that I am always here for him. In the past I have made brief contacts periodically asking after his welfare. We get together again, all is well, then a repeat. It is an emotional coaster ride.

@@irishendry2237 Wow 20 years, I guess I have to except this what our relationship will be like. Thanks for sharing you can feel so alone in this situation because I have only NT people around me and they would not understand if I told them. What is so unique he comes back as if he never left full of energy I think it is part of trying to mask and fit in as normal. It must be so hard.

@@anne-marie8963 Often when I'm shutdown, it's the external verbal communication that I'm too exhausted for. There are so many way to show you care and connect outside of that, for example there are times when I would love to just cuddle in silence, or to receive a sandwich. Does your partner have Sensory Processing Disorder? For me, that's a two sided thing, whilst there are things that drive me crazy, the opposite is also true. Certain touches, sounds, smells, tastes are likely far more of a comfort to me than you would imagine, if your parner has things like that, it's a pretty good route in to remind them that you still care. At a time when we might be in a mental storm, comforts like that can be incredibly stabalizing. Your partners is very lucky, please don't underestimate how rare it is for you to care to the extent that you're here, wanting to understand rather than leaving, or trying to manipulate them 'to talk'.

@ParadoxedHope, Yes! When everything's too much for me, I'll ask my partner for a pressure cuddle aka he lies on top of me, so there's high pressure everywhere and he can't quite understand that that is the most calming thing to me, but accepts it. :) Often he will feel like he's crushing me while I just start feeling relaxed and perfect. ^^

Same exact thing here. I ask that mine can just nod or a little wave if he can’t talk

He is having trouble with sensory issues, growing up. It is generally not irritation. Possibly emotional dysregulation. At this stage I was trying to figure out who I was. What were normal human relationships, how to maintain them, why do people get upset, when I respond. Why did that person just say to me. I don't know what you just said. But I think you just insulted me. I was making a joke. Sometimes fear is involved. Although a lot of people say, autism is not illness. But it is generally recognisable. Through something like, an fmri or PET scan. It is the response of somebody, who processes information differently. Please. I know it can be difficult. I tried to explain it to my mother, like this. Do you get irritated with my auntie for having cancer? Do you get irritated with your mother for having dementia. I'm a circle, the world is a square. When I'm in my father's car and he's driving. If he's in a bad mood suddenly starts driving. Accelerating erratically, turning corners hard. For a lot of us. Something like that can feel like a assault. At that age, I was still having trouble with metaphors, analogies. But please don't say to your son. I feel like I need to walk on eggshells, or you might get irritated. That could cause extreme distress. Sometimes when I've opened up to my parents. It has sometimes lead to an unexpected response. Confusion and misunderstandings. Sometimes this can lead. Someone to wanting to. But not communicating as much. I have found sometimes. If I want to express myself. Unless I ask for it. I just want effective listening. Not advice. Trust me, your children love you. Please. 🙏

I understand. But as a parent, it's your role to care for him, not his role to care for you. Please imagine how HE feels, not just how you feel.

@@lauriejean9306 Very true and important. To this day, my parents make me feel guilty about not sharing enough. They kind of shift the responsibility onto me, because, in their eyes, I didn't explain to them, what was wrong. So, from their point of view, naturally, they couldn't possibly understand my side and support me appropriately. Two things, that make it very difficult for an autistic child/youth (or in my case even adult) to actually take this responsibility and ease your parents' experience-which in itself is already completely the wrong way around, but for the sake of the argument, let's go deeper: 1.) At first, you just don't know, that anything is wrong. For me, it took about 40 years to realize, that I'm not just slow, stupid, inadequate, and never resilient enough, but that my brain actually works different. Why? Because the way I was raised-not only by my family but by society-I always considered myself at fault. What was I supposed to tell them? Sorry, I'm stupid and I can't keep up? Sorry, I'm not as eloquent and quick as my baby brother? Sorry, I need to withdraw, because I'm an egocentric a-hole who hates everyone? Sorry, I just go numb for no reason, when I'm forced to do small talk? (Keep in mind: As an autistic person, you ALWAYS feel inadequate, and it's a terrible feeling to be put on the spot. So, it's very unlikely, that autistic people will put themselves on the spot, in order to ease your struggle with them.) 2.) Even if the autistic person has figured out, what's wrong or different, it's still almost impossible to communicate it to people who know nothing about the autistic experience. Partly, because it's an insanely complex topic, which requires a lot of empathy, patience, and genuine interest. And partly because many autistic people have difficulties communicating in general. For me, now, that I know about my autism and have educated myself deeply, I'm still almost incapable of articulating my views, my experiences, my needs in a way that anyone comprehends the actual scope. Even to my therapist, which is indescribably frustrating. My bottom line is: If, as a neurotypical person, you are willing to support your autistic child/partner/co-worker/client (which is AWESOME!!!), you really need to educate yourself about autism. Learn how to ask the right questions and, at least sometimes, try to put yourself in their shoes. And always remember, nothing they're doing is meant to aggravate you. This goes especially for therapists, for there's an abysmal lack of knowledge, but also for parents, since, as a family, you're stuck with each other and it's a good idea to come up with the most supportive and smooth way for all parties involved.

No. A relationship can only work if all parties try their best to be understanding. However communication can be difficult for people on the spectrum especially in situations when they are already overwhelmed. Of course ideally the asd person should prepare their partner before a situation like that happens so they know what they are dealing with or communicate when they go no-contact. But a shutdown is not something done voluntary to hurt anyone. Shutdown is nothing that is planned...it just hits you. It's ok to be hurt when your partner isn't available to you because of a shutdown just like it is okay to be hurt if your partner has a cold with strong fever or to be sad if they can't go on a run with you because they broke a leg. Your feelings are valid however you feeling hurt doesn't mean anyone tried to hurt you. It's totally fine to communicate that you feel hurt about the no-contact so you guys can find how to deal with it the future. But, you know, maybe don't write the thousands of messages during a shutdown. That's really terrifying.

@@mathilda6763 Yes, I agree, and that was my point. Both parties should do their best to communicate and be considerate of each other's feelings. There should be a balance.

Dude, we are usually the ones not being considered at all. I’ve dated many non communicative NT partners who never considered my feelings. So, no offense, but I think he is saying treat us like people like you would anyone else. We aren’t trying to be hurtful but we do feel emotions more intensely and often just need time to process them. NT don’t feel emotions as strongly as we do so don’t have (ex) nonstop crying episodes as a reaction or even hyperventilation as much. If you are an unfeeling person or not patient, you should just stick to other NTs. ND (neurodivergent) individuals get along better with other communicative and sensitive partners. We tend not to like flakiness or mean people.

​​@@mathilda6763 , it's two absolutely different situations when your partner broke a leg and tells you that they won't go out with you because of broken leg - and when they broke their leg and disappeared for a month without any comments or explanation as if you as a partner never existed at all! Looking as if it means completely nothing for them, that fact that you are also going to feel something regarding their disappearance, surprise! and as you know nothing about the real reason (broken leg) you are very likely to suppose that this partner's disappearence is the result of your partner's attitude to you, may be just unwilling to see you or what is more even to know you any more.

@@JDMimeTHEFIRSTmy ND has made me nonstop cry and my partner just acts cold. You’re wrong that you’re magically able to feel more than everyone else or more intensely. How can you say what an NT feels anymore than we can say what you feel?

Just return the energy to be honest, when they go silent so should you.

I've known my Aspie man (I'm a NT woman) for 20 years although I've only just recently begun to suspect he's an Aspie and am 99.9% sure this is what is going on. When we first met he told me that he believed that people shouldn't have expectations of each other. At the time I interpreted this statement as meaning that he didn't believe in commitment and therefore I set boundaries and adjusted my expectations accordingly. Over the years we've developed a relationship that isn't exactly romantic but isn't just friendship either. It's difficult to define. Anyway, we've been each other's support system over the years and have grown very fond/attached to each other (at least that's how I perceive things and from what he's told me in the past he sees things this way too). What I've come to realise is that by not having expectations he protects himself from disappointment (as he's experienced a lot of rejection/abandonment from people) while him not tolerating that I have expectations of him has to do with him feeling insecure about being able to live up to those expectations (and therefore disappointing me resulting in rejection and abandonment). However, you are right: expectations are fine as long as they are realistic. I shouldn't expect him to respond as a NT and he should expect me not to have any needs at all since, as our lives intertwine, we inevitably end up having expectations of each other without realising it. Now that I realise that he's probably an Aspie I have a better idea of where the boundaries are and can adjust my expectations accordingly (without resentment). Atm he's withdrawn (I suspect stressed from work as at his job they've been short staffed for quite some time and have difficulty recruiting qualified people) and we've only spoken twice in the last 12 months. During our last conversation I was feeling burned out due to my own problems and I strongly suspect that he may have interpreted my lack of interest as rejection but at the time I didn't have the bandwidth to explain myself and thought I would do so when I'd had a chance to recharge. Instead he's withdrawn even further. Anyway, when/if he re-emerges/re-engages hopefully we'll be able to have a conversation about reasonable expectations. Knowing that some expectations are fine (as long as they are reasonable) should offer some sort feeling of safety for him (predictability) as well as for myself. In the meantime I'm learning all I can about ASD in order to deliver this message in a way that it'll be received well and not be perceived as threatening (resulting in further withdrawal). As an NT I find this very difficult to navigate. I don't want to give up on him but he'll have to meet me at least some of the way and as can be reasonably expected given his wiring. Atm I'm sending texts that don't require an answer in the hopes that he interprets them as I'm still here and I care about him (that's how they are intended). It's tough, though, not knowing what's going on or what I should or shouldn't do to avoid triggering further trauma for him as well as myself (I have abandonment issues too).

I started dating someone on the spectrum (similar to myself). No issues yet. It’s a lot easier than dating an NT. And the sex is great because we’re both into honesty and communication (something NTs avoid like the plague while they talk about the weather 😆). I’m more introverted and he’s more of an extrovert. Maybe that makes a difference.

Hmm he was lying to you. They do like, like normal men. If you had a sister who dated this guy, would you advice her to continue on? A few weeks is a long time to ignore someone who you're supposed to be in a relationship with.

Run

Yup. They can lie and cheat just like any man. Don’t believe allll the BS

If you could please give me some advice I would help me a lot, please. I really need advice.

@Hazel Rose thanks, I'll reach out to her today with an chec in message, as describe in the text Paul recommended.