Some people don't know themselves very well because they're almost never single.

When I was a kid, my family would always get mad at me and say that I loved animals more than people and…I think I did.

I relate so much to "I have so much love to give". And yes it seems like every time I try to show love, because I'm naturally a 'show don't tell' kind of person, it's never received as such. Showing up to a friend's house with a coffee (oops they already bought one for themselves, what are you doing weirdo?). Sending people things I relate to or think they would relate to, goes completely over their head. Wanting to talk to them for hours about everything and nothing and get their opinions on it, nah. Wanting to have new experiences with people, travel, do new activities... They've already gone to that place you're suggesting so they are not interested, they don't like that activity even though they've never tried and they definitely don't want to do it with me just for the shared experience. I mean I don't know how else I'm supposed to show love? I show love the way I want to receive love, just like everyone else out there, neurotypical or not. So what do you mean we don't love? To me it feels like other people never show love to me. Because they don't do any of that stuff so how am I supposed to know? I was in a group chat and one of the girls sent semi regular messages of "You know I love you and I'm so appreciative for all of you, right guys?" and I was like... no. It feels super duper fake. It seems like you're just saying that. Anyone could say that but it's not what you're showing. What you're showing is that you take advantage of us. So in my head it's like "okay she's taking advantage of us and then sending this 'I love you and appreciate you' message so that we don't call her out on it and continue to assume the best of her. And that's my opinion, that's my perspective, that's how I receive it. Why does my experience mean any less that everyone else's?

I can go from feeling nothing at all, to with specific special person being so overwhelmed like I'm gonna explode, and need to tell and show how much I love and care about them, and it is too much for alot of people. It's hard to balance emotions, all too easy to be at an extreme.

When I'm around my partner, I will stim like nuts because I have *too* much love that just overflows into flapping or knocking and he knows and smiles and responds "I love you too," or the echolalia of saying "I love youuu" from a specific character and he will respond back in a way that gets me caught in the echolalia loop and we end up just laughing after I catch on. Autistics love, just in different ways.

When my mom found out I was autistic (when I was almost 3), because of that misconception that autistic kids can't feel love or affection, she was at first sad about it, but also confused because I was very affectionate with my mom and I smiled and laughed a lot, then she did more research on autism and to this day still loves and supports me. However she knew I was different from other little kids, because I wouldn't look at her when she called my name, I never pointed at anything, I would line up my toy animals, and stuff like that. But I did love her a lot (and still do), and unlike that belief about autistic people not feeling love, I feel intense love for people, but it was only people who I trust and is very close with. And about getting attached to things, I never got how people could just let go of things so easily, I still have a bunch of my toys from my childhood just displayed on my shelves, as well as books, There's no way I would ever wanna get rid of what made me so happy as a child, I didn't even want to get rid of the clothes I grew out of because I loved them, but I had to anyways. I also get very attached to fictional characters.

Labyrinth is so good.

Proper real friendships are more important than anything, and they are hard to find. I have no desire to be romantically involved with anyone, just have at least one real friendship again

3:26 I somewhat relate to that. We had a cat with a heart condition (she lived to the ripe old age of 14 1/2), and I cherished every moment with her because I was aware that any day could've been her last. It's very hard not to think about those things, especially for people who are younger and haven't learned ways to express fears about death and loss.

You love just like I do. It’s nice to hear it described by someone else. I really like the idea of a series of autistic emotions, that’s a cool idea.

I've been watching for a few months and wonder why I watch all your videos when I don't for 90% of other channels. Besides enjoying the content I realize you coincidentally post on my days off.

I feel like the stereotype of “your autistic child will never love you,” is a prime example of the double empathy problem. Just because we don’t express it in a way you understand, that doesn’t mean we don’t feel it! Just because we can’t look you in the eye or say “I love you, mom,” just because that’s what you need to see as a parent to know that you’re loved, that doesn’t my mean you aren’t loved. It’s honestly AMAZING how many ASPD traits got confused with ASD. We DO have empathy. We CAN love. I mean, so can people with ASPD, but to varying degrees or in different ways. It’s just so phenomenally ableist to say, “they can’t say, ‘I love you,’ so I’m an unloved mother.”

Autistic people feel love probably much more intensely than most as is the case with nearly all emotions. So it would not be surprising if that is another problem in autistic/NT relations what is sometimes called the "double empathy" problem. I'd be curious as to how a relationship with similar intensity levels would play out. Of course finding a certain balance is important in any relationship. I had long pushed back on these feelings (as is often expected with males) and would end up coming off as aloof and uninterested when I felt the opposite and end up alone and very depressed which is also likely more intense for autistics as well. So that may have contributed to the very false idea that autistics do not feel love. We feel these things deeply and that could be one of our "gifts" if we can find the best way to use it.

0:57 I like how unabashed you are with your reaction to that statement. It's hard for me not to internalize these negative ideas that people have spread about autism over the years. The world needs more of people calling out these bad stereotypes.

Defiantly relate, I throw myself into friendships and relationships but eather I'm too much for them or I get used. Don't really maintain friendships anymore, I'm on speaking terms with a few people on dog walks but is more for the doggos than me. And whiles I speak to folk online, its generally as their unofficial therapist( can't help wanting to help people when they in a bad place so I more or less offer my ear to everyone at this point >.< ). Don't even know if I can maintain any sort of relationship now, I'm like that traumatised dog meme 😬

I find that being married to a neurotypical that I get “you don’t love me as much as I love you because your not being attentive”. Saying meaningful to a partner that you love them may not be enough for an individual that isn’t neurodivergent. I find in my own experience that you have to mask, put on an act to communicate love in the way they expect it. Anyone else experience this?

Yes I’ve also been accused of this. And the fear of losing a parent…I was never afraid of that. But once I had children…omg. I live in a constant state of near panic. It sounds like you take after your dad and that maybe he was on the spectrum in the same ways as you. Losing collections is challenging. I have almost nothing from my past and almost none of my portfolios or proof of my accomplishments. I try not to think about it.

7:53 I feel like that's something that ends up being normalized in media that women consume as children (like a lot of animated princess movies, for instance, have teenage characters who get married in them which I don't think is a good message to send to impressionable young girls). I think that there are greater societal problems that lead to girls thinking this is romantic instead of realizing what a walking red flag and how exploitative and dangerous that sort of relationship is.

I think it’s another case of double empathy where from the outside it looks like autistic people might not experience love but really they just have a different way of expressing it 👍

I get it about having trouble saying, "I love you" to people. I usually never say it first and I respond with the "love you too" but it is so awkward for me even when I genuinely care for them. Growing up as a kid my parents rarely said, I love you but I felt loved. When I was around 14 and being my distant teen self, they started saying I love you more maybe thinking it would help my teen attitude. But it was super uncomfortable for me at the time too. I rather express it in actions I guess.

3:47 I wonder if it has to do with the way that we perceive time? I remember being very aware of the fact that I was growing older when I was a teenager, and dreading the fact that when I was turning like 13 I'd never be 12 again, and being very aware that every year lived was one year less that I'd have on this earth. I suppose that seems morbid to people, but it's not really a good or a bad thing, just something that happens.

ooh Dana is single!? I sincerely admire her.

Whoa. Are you a Pisces?! You sound like me in my relationships! I am also single for the first time in my adult life and it is SO nice not having a “person” in my life. Friends can go home, partners in the other hand…

I've literally been single for around 10 or 11 years. My last relationship was fine, but frankly just wasn't clicking for me. I was a teenager and slowly realised it wasn't working and I desired so much more than what I was getting. Part of it was definitely the clinginess. All I wanted to do was obsess over my numerous interests and when I realised the relationship no longer ranked up there with the things I cared about, I had to get out of it. It sounds so harsh and cold, and it always makes me feel awful, but there's no other way to explain it. For me, I have the opposite problem. I've had so much love to give and nobody I ever felt a deep enough emotional and intellectual(?) connection with. I think the term is demisexual? Believe me I deeply care about so many things, adore my nerdy little friends, but I've still always been an outlier even among them. It's just so bloody hard and awkward to show you care, too. In my brain, if I feel I can't give 100% of my love to someone, it's not worth the energy it would take.

Excellent video! Thank you for making it.

Thinking about it, I love my family & that's it really; I haven't really felt like I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with someone. The closest I've come to loving a non-family member was a mild obsession/crush.

that was very insightful Dana. Thank you.

That's how it is with me. On the outside I don't show emotions really at all but on the inside it can be overwhelming sometimes. I feel so deeply about some people that's it's just yeah difficult at times.

Thx for the upload!

11:31 (and the lead-up to that), 12:35, etc. - super relatable. I frankly find it kinda sad that that can be overwhelming to folks. 😕 16:52 - right?!?? 💗 17:19 - well, here's one more autistic person who relates to it. 😊 17:26 - uh-oh. That might be one you'd want to work on. 😉

11:07 It's frustrating to realize how that's just another way that neurodiverse people can get like judged or mistreated by society. It's normal for us to come off as a bit obsessive or overwhelming (compared ot how neurotypical people show interest in people, things, activities, etc. that they love or are passionate about). It's not love-bombing if that's genuinely how we are.

I think people see non-verbal 'Level 3' autistics as non-human and not capable of feelings and communication. I assume they're who those people speak of. And the stereotypical asexual genius who is too focused on his project to notice anyone else. It's a little sad, honestly. Autistic people feel so deeply, it's just the way some of us express those feelings that's really different. I definitely can love. I love my mother, sister, brother, niece, cat and I even was in love with someone once. The fact that I'm willingly spending time with someone is one type of expression for me.

Honestly, I find the word "love" itself to be very confusing. Its this monolith of meaning buried in thousands of years of context, to say "love" is as if to say "stuff" basically. The performative aspect of love, the cognitive experience of love, the social concept of love, it all gets compressed into one syllable and it's just too much. So I can know that I want someone to be happy, that I feel bad when they're not around, that I wanna squeeze them in a hug, etc. but calling that "love" feels weird, I need to, like, list those things, saying "love" feels like I'm speaking a foreign language. I'm sure a lot of people wrote theses on the ontology of love or whatever, but the problem is that the "vibe" of "love" is too broad to be a single word, you can have a bunch of people talk about love and all of them mean something that's good but everyone's idea is unique. "Love" seems to be similar to how I might say "loud" when I'm overwhelmed and can't speak good, a placeholder of sorts. And that's great, but if I _can_ speak it's just not enough to actually _say_ anything that... was a probably unnecessary stream of consciousness. I do relate to that thing with fictional characters, where you realize they don't exist and it feels absolutely awful. And then I read/watch the same thing again and it's not the same at all. It's weird. I never had any friends or anything romantic, so I'm pretty sheltered and honestly I have very little idea of how "love" works for me, but I hope to find out! Maybe it will mean something less nebulous to me then (or probably even more nebulous, we'll see) All I know is I like doing stuff for people when they matter to me, but I have a hard time with it. It's easier when you're a child, I suppose, since you can make a silly card or booklet or something and that social exchange actually works. edit: oh, and I was dissociating for a large portion of my life, so I probably have less cognizant experience with love than an average tween, that's also complicated

💚

I relate hard. Used to cry every night as a kid cause my parents were gonna die one day. Used to lie there working out how old I would be and how much less time I had with them than my older siblings. Austism do be having a weirdly specific affect sometimes

Was the documentary Christine McGuiness? I haven't watched the one she made with her husband, but she has since left him and made another BBC documentary about her own autism journey and I have watched that one.

You are describing my BPD experience in all of these videos and it’s starting to confuse me a lot. 😅

Families are found not grown. ❤

Your content is funny. Love it

I think there is a very big performative and transactional component to NT relationships of all kinds, including romantic ones. To us autists this comes off as a bit fake and dishonest, but it probably just is a difference, what we perceive as an ideal relationship is just ”too much” for NT people.

Obviously do what’s right for you, but TikTok is too overstimulating for me to use. I really like your content. Some people repost their TikTok as KZfaq shorts, and they can help the algorithm tip more viewers towards your channel. Just saying - I would watch them.