Being autistic is difficult. Period.

Jesus, I'm sorry you have to go through that shit. I'm an autistic man and that's absolutely no excuse for harassing people online - as you say, adults should know (and if they don't know, should learn) what's appropriate and what's not. You absolutely deserve to feel safe online. I hope you feel able to keep making great, relatable content, your videos have really been helping me recently :)

Please do not delete your channel 🙏

From my experience, autistic men/male presenting people can sometimes get away with their more eccentric personality traits, because society often gives more leeway to men. Afab/female presenting people, on the other hand, are expected to be much more well-mannered and polite than men. Thus, when autistic female presenting people don’t meet those standards (because we don’t), people treat us much harsher. Also, I love your shirt, Dana! That’s a really good piece of band merch. Where did you find it?

8:17 Good blanket rule for guys: Thoughts like that, if you're not in a relationship with the girl in question, are probably going to create discomfort if they don't remain inside thoughts. And "I'm autistic" isn't an excuse: first, it's a simple enough rule, and I learned it decades before my diagnosis, and second, NT males are just as bad about violating it.

From what I can see, autistic males encounter more difficulty up front, in that a lower-masked presentation is more likely to cause direct social trouble, but autistic females are more likely to have significant psychological issues from masking stress. I think there are also some masking-mismatch issues that cause trouble with autistic males and females interacting with each other, which either side tends to count as part of how hard it is to be an individual of their sex.

Thank you for making this video. Honestly, it felt cathartic to listen to, because as a fellow female autistic content creator I've dealt with some similar issues, like people acting creepy on objectively non-sexual content. I appreciate you talking about this, it helps to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this rubbish.

I totally agree! I find this whole debate and weaponisation of victimhood to be incredibly asinine. As an autistic male, I'd never assume that my experience is any better or worse than an autistic woman's; I have my lived experience as a man with ASD and that's all I will ever have. To claim I know what women experience on a day-to-day basis, let alone better than they do themselves, would be delusional. I do relate to the unwanted sexual comments - both online and offline - from other men (especially since I've lost weight over the last couple of years) and I totally agree that being autistic or otherwise ND isn't an excuse. People (mostly men) need to learn to keep some thoughts to themselves... I've also found that most people who use their condition as an excuse are doing so as a cover to keep violating others' boundaries. Your hesitance around men is totally understandable!

wot? those men cannot be attempting to understand. I follow you because of of shared experiences. it is comforting to hear someone with similar struggles. In the end, ND folks are as varied as NTs. THere are creeps among us.

I think everyone has a very different experience, different strengths and weaknesses, different life circumstances, you can't really compare.

7:56 I used to assume the best in people too, and give people the "benefit of the doubt". As someone who is autistic, I do tend to assume that maybe people are just missing social cues, have never been taught to know better, etc... I've come to realize that sometimes the commentors DO know better and are just being creepy jerks with no respect for us female content creators.

Unfortunately, there are some people out there that LIKE to make other people uncomfortable. I see it on lots of small/new channels. I think it’s really sad and a pathetic way to make their life feel interesting. I’m sorry for all of us that this is the online landscape. It makes me super nervous about any young or vulnerable person online. I bet your tights were really cool, you should be able to just enjoy that. I’m excited to flip through your old videos and watch what you’ve said about gender. I resonate with your perspective.

I agree with you! I think there are so many ways that people try to compare who's having a harder time between various groups and between individuals, and it's mostly just foolish reaction without actually understanding, or intended to invalidate people's experience.

i dislike the entire concept of male and female autism. it’s just not true for everyone to begin with - there are men who fit the concept of “female autism” and women who fit the concept of “male autism”. and like you always say, everyone is different. and just because there are different presentations doesn’t automatically mean one is harder than the other. but i think the biggest issue is that people aren’t even accurately perceiving another person’s difficulties and just making assumptions about how easy it is for someone when that’s not actually the case at all.

I know its a serious video but at 18:18 when you said "google whats creepy to say" made me think of how that weird google AI would give instructions on how to be even more creepy. "People love being made to feel as if they are being stalked. Here is a list of the best words to make a person consider changing their name and flee the country:"

Aren’t autistic people othered enough? That’s basically the core defining experience. There’s barely a floor for us to stand on, and instead of helping each other build more floor, we’re just telling each other we’re building it wrong. Actually, yeah, I guess that tracks, now that I think about it.

I find that the autistic community is constantly being separated into different categories and having those categories be pit against each other. Low support needs vs high support needs, men vs women, early diagnosed vs late diagnosed, self diagnosed vs diagnosed. Being autistic is hard, and making it a competition just makes it harder. We shouldn't be pushing people down in the community, we should be listening and including all voices. Also, I just subscribed!! I hope your channel can be a safe space for you just as it is a safe space for many viewers :)

Hi Dana Luv, you are sharing your lived experiences and expressing your autistic challenges which is totally unique to you and we are thankful for you sharing. Nobody should be here to make judgments or comparisons we get enough of that in day to day encounters with both people we know and don't know. I'm not sure if it's fully fact but when I talked to my doctor after I was diagnosed she expressed the struggle more autistic women go through to get diagnosed and recognised as having autism so in that sense there are many autistic women can find it much harder especially before they are diagnosed.

I love how articulate you were in this video - it's not men in general that make women (+presenting) not trust them: it's a lifetime of systemic misogyny

0:33 I got explicity propositioned by a 50+ year old man on here, so I understand how you feel. KZfaq does NOT do enough to keep content creators, especially female content creators, safe.

Its the similarities that help us all to work together but the differences quite often break us apart. Thank you for sharing .🧔 👍

lol. Google “what’s creepy to say to someone online” true, but also hilarious. I’m sorry there are people doing that. It’d be cool if you had a moderator for that sort of thing. Same on the man based trauma. 😢

OMG, some people really think that it's a competition of some sort? Who hits harder?

5:35 I've had the exact same thing happen except with handkerchiefs. 😭

It's funny you mentioned your sense of humor and your hair as things that you welcome compliments on, because those are two things I notice every video and really admire! Your hair is awesome. I watched the dyeing video you did recently and was really surprised that you don't purposely do a lighter area for your bangs, it just comes out that way, because it's a total look and it's cool as fuck. I'm incredibly jealous! 😂 Also, you're fucking hilarious, I laugh out loud at least once for every video, often because you manage to put something incredibly relatable into beautfully succinct, deadpan words, and it's as delightful as it is humorous. My husband often overhears the creators I watch, and you're his favorite because you're so funny. Wishing you nothing but the loveliest comments ❤️ thanks for making these videos, they really are a bright spot, and I'm delighted every time I see there's a new one from you.

Being afab on the internet is genuinely a nightmare and I really admire you for pushing through despite everything the creepsters have told you; I get a lot of validation from you talking about your experiences and I am really glad your videos are here. PS: from a normal, non-creepy, aromantic ace agender person, your hair looks absolutely fabulous and you do have a great sense of humour!

When I come here I feel so much relief for probably the same reasons you made this channel. I feel less "odd" and more accepted. I feel less intellectually isolated. You have such brilliant things to say and I enjoy it so much. I wish the Internet was a safer place for everyone but some seem to think it's okay to assault people in the comment section and imply we're soft if it affects us negatively but you'd never show up at someone's door and say these things. I don't differentiate between genders much myself, but I am a woman and I definitely feel unsafe and always have. I hope that you don't quit your channel because you are encouraging so many and actually your style of communication is rare and needed. You are spot on about everything you said and brave for saying it because it needs to be said. The internet could be safer if we wanted it to be but it takes saying enough is enough. Thankyou 💞

0:12 I'll do my best, but I'm already coming into this video with preconceived notions from my own lived experiences.

I really enjoy learning about other peoples experiences of things like neurodivergence and disability I find it really enlightening. But it can lead to those really kind of toxic competitive kind of comparisons like "oh you can have a conversation, you're not autistic" or the internalised version "That person has different struggles to me therefore I'm not (insert here) enough." Just don't compare people.

I am so glad that I have enough gray hair to scare off all most of the men. The bus stops in my city were especially awful when I was younger. But it was common many places.

I do agree with youre point that gender doesn't make autim more difficult. And I hate the fact people make it a contest about which one is worse. One other thought the video title threw me a bit off.

I written comments in the past and then read it through before posting and think is that going to look or sound creepy, weird or and rude and then either edited it or completely deleted it but I am not perfect and have made mistakes in the past. If I have posted anything wrong in the past I apologise.

Your content IS intellectual. You are basically a philosopher. It doesn't matter if your dialect or vocabulary may be viewed as "common". In fact, your vernacular makes you more approachable and understandable. Also, I agree that people know what is creepy or not. Declaring "autism!" doesn't work unless you are a psychopath or a sociopath as well. Fuck 'em. Delete 'em. Ban 'em!.

I love your channel you have helped me find out so much about myself and my life has been a lot better for it :)

As an Autistic man I can see how we can be mistaken as being creepy; at least for me any way, being very awkward socially, & not having a clue about social norms, women who have got a particular idea of how a man should behave would think I was 'creepy' & 'icky'.

Being an autistic HUMAN sucks and it's difficult. Great video, you made your point really well, the whole "gender wars" thing is really frustrating and needs to stop.

We are told we are hysterical or over emotional. Less likely to be called assertive and more likely to be called a bitch. Our biological differences make it difficult for women too. Periods and other times in the cycle are hell for autistic women. We are more likely to experiences sexual assault. And then add on the increased likelihood of experiencing it with asd. We are told to be more easily digestible than men. Pregnancy is sensory and emotional hell. Mothers often take care of the children more often and this is a nightmare with asd. Work place discrimination increases so much. We are infantilized more. Sexualized more. If anything it is hard for women to be autistic. Not men.

I recall an American/Swedish study that found that just about all autistics display characteristics of "weak masculinity" so I don't believe that there are any major differences between male or females on the spectrum. However the societal expectations are where we see these difference the most and I do find that this has a much more negative impact on males due to expectations to be leaders/providers/warriors etc. and have high status which is not often within the nature of an autistic person. Having traits of "weak masculinity" could also make a female come of as cooler than other women but for males they can be viewed as wimps, losers, pushovers, or some more derogatory term. There are certainly challenges that autistic females face such as being the target of abuse by men who take advantage of her social misunderstandings. All women in general do seem to face problems of unwanted attention and harassment. Most men deal with a lot of social rejection. But what I see online from autistic males is a lot of anger, bitterness, despair and hopelessness at being so isolated and rejected. The Alt-Right also targets them online to convince them that the problem is feminism which has lead to their rejection but this is absurd if you consider that their idealized "traditional" woman would also greatly reject them as she would expect total dependence on him to do everything which might appeal to the most narcissistic of men but they also promote ideas of machismo and being dominant which does not always align with the autistic or introverted persona which often is more internal focused. Sadly some fall for this crap and become misogynist even though many liberal feminists are sympathetic to autistic individuals. Statistically autistic females are much more likely to get married or have relationships (although they often have fewer than NT women) whereas autistic heterosexual males struggle with this due to social expectations they cannot meet through no fault of their own and often never have any relationships which seems to be the cause of most of their frustration and even rage. I don't know much about the impact autism has on LGBTQ+ individuals although since there is a shared sense of marginalization there could possibly be more acceptance between these groups. I also agree that there is no difference in masking between the sexes as all autistics try to fit in as best they can. But one could say that female masks are more socially acceptable. Clearly there are struggles with being autistic for anyone but the differences come down to social expectations. You are also correct about autistics knowing better than to make harassing comments. Autism should never be an excuse for any (intentionally) rude or anti-social (do not confuse this with asocial or social awkwardness) behavior and should not give anyone a pass on that.

I always figured the struggle is different for the individual regardless of gender. I'm wary and don't trust anyone due to people being horrible, and I know I'm not the only one. People just suck. And as for creepy comments, I do believe those people know exactly what they're doing and just have no regard for the feelings of the recipient, in this case you.

Sorry to bring attention to it, but 'twit-tok'. :) An easy word stumble to make but it seems like it would be a great thing to actually exist. You could flag the creepy commenters and then they'd be banned from interacting on all social media except 'twit-tok'. It could work like internet prison or something, depending on the severity of their creepiness, etc they'd be sent there for days, weeks, months, years or life. :)

These sorts of comparisons are a problem throughout the whole internet culture. You see these ridiculous arguments online about whether Joni Mitchell or Sandy Denny sings the same song better. They are different people interpreting it differently. As a man, I find the vast majority of what you say totally relatable to my experience. I don't have as many problems with masking as a lot of women, but so what? I think you need to categorize this stuff as TROLLING, and just ignore it. Ignore the trolls; they lower the level of the conversation. I know this is easier said then done, because these people can be experts at getting under your skin. That's what they want to do. But I still think the best approach is to treat them like they aren't even there.

Suitor(s) are annoying; I haven't made videos in years, but when I did I stopped reading the comments. I'm not sure that I've been bothered, though I'm sure some did; they were simply more than I had time or energy to keep up with. Understanding though you want to engage the comments to better find your community isn't advice doesn't seem conducive to your situation. I'm aware some in the comment(s) community do sift through comments on behalf of the video creators without their asking and I think they deserve 10 internet points for their community moderating service. PS my videos are old and if someone out their views them please know I've matured and grown since then...be gentle...though admittedly very likely I won't read the comment anyway.

I'm autistic male and see I don't have it as bad as women on spectrum or lot men on spectrum. I'm just fortunate that one of special interest landed me a high paying job for 25 years. Before that employment was struggle. I am grateful for my special interest I've had since a long as I can remember that provides so well for me.

I am amazed by anyone brave enough to put themselves out in the world and I'm sorry that you have had such creepy responses. Personally I think, regardless of sex or gender, nuerodivergent people have their own uniquely awful experiences of trying to function in a world ostensibly built for allistic people, often with a late or no diagnosis that means we stumble blindly through it, exposed to harm at every turn. The only thing that seems to help is either coming from money or having one of those mythical 'supportive families' that live in the field next to the unicorns.

As an autistic person who is afab non binary I relate to you so much. As for anyone else reading this, Dana is awesome so please stop making them uncomfortable

14:11 It's not your fault. It's really hard not to internalize victim-blaming. Know that it's not your fault that other people are acting weird or creepy or badly. You are not doing anything wrong.

It IS difficult, but is it more difficult?

At risk of oversimplifying something, even though I don't think I am, it just sounds like "Being a man is more difficult." I've never been a woman, but I think it's comparing apples and oranges.

As a man diagnosed with Autism at 37 last year, my take on it is that we all face our own challenges regardless of gender. I think anyone going on about it being more challenging for a specific gender needs to realise that Autism isn’t a one-size fits all. Trying to figure out Autism is bloody hard. I’m really sorry for your experiences online. I have found your videos really relatable in helping me find myself post-diagnosis. Knowing that there’s people out there thinking the same as me and facing similar challenges, it helps me understand that the world is the problem and not us with Autism. Keep being you and forget the creeps and trolls Dana. The amount of people who you are helping vastly outweighs the negativity. Keep your chin up 😊

I applaud your message 👏🏿

I have had it too on my autism channel

I think there's enough suck to go around.

Kind of it's just that it's not ok to be upset as a guy you can't have a melt down as a guy and your partner will understand.

I think we as autistic people have a shared experience of being autistic and how other's have treated us, but for others to say my experience is worse because of my gender is just a false argument entirely. However its is scientifically proven that women or girls wirj autism go undiagnosed more than men do, and its linked to the large percentage of males prefering things rather than people. Its all in the biology.

I've been commenting to nt youtubers for almost fifteen years, no one deleting a comment. It's so bad not being acceptable. With Dana I have deleted my own comment three times, she I think twice. Obviously my thinking is morphing since my developed traits from the trauma of suddenly losing my masking. So all the comments I will do here are just the facts like "the priest might help you" comment. She's a great youtuber and makes valuable, useful content. Her herself I'm, it seems strange, not concerned with who or what she is? I don't care if a youtuber is male or female or whatever anything, as long ss they're worthwhile and perhaps relatable. She's is both I think. Whatever was unacceptable back when, Dana I am sorry. My social awareness is fluctusting so it seems my comments are too. I am sure they didn't offend, but were different like perhaps this one I'm risking. It's bad thinking I put someone off. Everybody Stay 🧡 Special !

The comments sections for female content creators can be littered with sleazy and creepy comments. If someone has those thoughts they should follow the maxim "think it, don't say it" - indeed that goes for any thoughts that might offend, upset or annoy people. People should comment on the content, not the appearance of the creator.

I'd say autistic transgender people have it more difficult, because of the social stigma it (still) carries on top of the social stigma of being autistic. But people are more then their gender. Each person has their own struggles and opportunities. Having said that. Is gender confusion and / or gender nonconformity inherently a part of being autistic? Neurotypicals seem to (want to) act our their assigned gender roles and stereotypes often. About weird comments. I like to act like a cat and feel catlike sometimes. I hope that's weird enough =^.^=

💜

The description of your gender is exactly how I’d describe mine as well 👌

In aggregate, men & women both face advantages / disadvantages. No way to compare, we should help all individuals... I think men have it easier if they survive to 30 and amass capital, while remaining unmarried.... as men are safer by that point. But many many many young men are beat to death in public to cheers of a Roman Triumph. 80 / 20 rule for men, as long as we are handsome, healthy, and wealthy then life opens up. Comparison is the thief of joy... In any debate on "which race or gender is superior..." all zealous partisans are wrong, while neutral take like yours seems clearly best! Sorry about being mistreated by men. I guess we tend to miss or tolerate some gnarly red flags, I hope you will continue the process but narrow the acceptable tolerance of disrespect, from other and from oneself in masking or codependency. Thanks for creating a forum for people to meet and discuss issues ❤

You're right there is a limit yes I do think you are funny

Nay! I shan't hear you out! Grumble grumble grumble! (💞)

yes, I get the fact all autism is different, and we all experience similar things, but to some extent (not being offensive), I do see that point of view; I am a man, and as a fact, women on the spectrum MASK their symptoms; us guys don't, so for this point, I see the difficulty for men vs. women, that women, to SOME degree have greater social aptitude than the men do, we need 'teaching', but I do also recognise that women are more social beings in the whole, so get it, and 'seem' to my observations, to make conversation and interact easier than men typically do. No-one should harass people, some of us just have opinions, and are indifferent on the typewriter, or have a passionate view on topics, and, for asd men, we just say it wrong, or don't realise the consequences of our grammer, or word choices, or just what subjects are 'taboo' and shouldn't be typed, just thought in our heads.

Delete the comments/users that you don't like, *not the channel.* Many people get a lot from your videos and take on things and so you're helping people with your posts in a way that you might not directly get to witness, but they will be there. I can completely understand why men will say such a thing but as you can imagine, it may be hard for such people to be able to understand anything other than their own POV. Some of us can understand greatly another person's POV, but other will never be able to. You can block all comments on that tights video..... but be sure to monetize it because....if people are watching for 'that' reason, why not get paid for it? As for those dirty comments you get, reply with _"Another comment like this will be reported to the police."_ It is the only thing that might make them stop. Sadly.

👂🏿

It is very unnerving to me when I hear autistic women have things to say like this about autistic men--regardless of what size their numbers may be. I'm very sorry that you've had the negative experiences you have had with the men you were close to; and I've spoken with and gotten to know enough autistic women to not even need to know you personally to understand how very real those experiences were. The last thing I want is for this comment to give off the impression of invalidation. Statistically it's very likely that men have put you through some things where "creepy" is a very minimal and even nice way of describing it. However, with that said, I hope you do keep your mind open to the idea that the number one common denominator in these men with creepy and/or predatory predilections isn't their gender, but their age. I'm not sure exactly how old you are, but I'm guessing definitely below 30? By no means am I trying to excuse the behavior of guys beneath this threshold, but from what I've experienced, it isn't terribly uncommon for ~30 to be a heavy dividing line between the creepers and non-creepers. This seems to be a trend in women as well, although maybe slightly earlier, and with different "toxic traits." Some of us guys obviously don't grow out of this behavior, and a huge red flag indicative of this is when they continue to involve themselves in the lives in 20-somethings (or god forbid even younger) well into their 30's. Try not to let yourself get bitter. We autistics need to stick together as much as we can. Whether they are mature/educated enough to realize it or not, the rise of awareness of autistic women is and will continue to be the single greatest thing to progress the treatments and therapies available to autistic people in general. Personally, I know for a fact that if it weren't specifically for autistic women who got online and (rightfully so) ranted in a slightly pissed off tone about the inadequacies surrounding access to proper diagnostic assessments growing up, I never would have gotten my own diagnosis as an adult man. Hell, the number one determining factor that caused me to choose the diagnosing clinician I did was that she is an autistic woman herself. I'd put money on the proposition that, in the grand scheme of things, the number of men whom you are educating and helping is much greater than the number of "men" who minimalize your own autism because you're a woman. Obviously you don't owe it to anyone on this platform to sacrifice your own mental health for our own sake, but try not to let yourself be too discouraged by these freaks.

As a man, kinda (I also prefer they/them pronouns), I do not take offense or have a problem with anything you said in this video, or any of your videos ive seen. There is a serious problem with men not having any concern for boundaries and being creepy in general online, and it fucking sucks. Im sorry you've had to deal with it, and hope they leave you alone. Also a response to something you mentioned towards the end, I hope this will help balance out a stupid response that an ignorant and judgemental person has left: I dont know you, but from what you've talked about on this channel, you do not seem to have it easy at all. If anything, you being a woman (or at least percieved as one, its not my intention to assume), has made your life harder in some situations youve mentioned, like how you were denied potential earlier diagnosis of autism because supposedly women dont have autism. Like I said, I dont know you, but from what you've talked about you seem like a very strong person who has dealt with and is dealing with a lot. And I for one think you are bad ass for being able to continue to share parts of your life like this after such shitty comments. I dont think I could do that personally. Your videos consistantly help me with my journey with late diagnosed autism, so I hope this comment from a stranger returns the favor at least a little bit.

Limit comments to subscribers?

This using autism to be rude is really weird in my opinion but then they would say it is masking if you're not rude and then that affects your mental health I don't quite know where I stand with this because every person is asking politeness at some point but neurotypicals don't have The same reaction as a an autistic master because they're not trying as hard because everyday life is just easier for them I'm not judging another KZfaqr but I think sometimes that autistic guy seems to sometimes think because he is autistic he doesn't have to say certain things and these things can make him seem a bit rude but I disagree with that I just think politeness is a requirement even if it means you have to compromise in some other areas Also there's a lot of things neurotypicals do That you can learn and use as a tool to get them to do what you want LOL LOL for example if you want a neurotypical to talk to for some reason don't know what that reason would be just ask them about the weather yes you may not like small talk But he can still be a tool