"Guilt says I made a mistake, Shame says I am a mistake" I have been trying to define these for several years now, just perfect, thank you!

"Feeling is the evidence of healing."

Almost every time I feel a flood of emotion that makes me feel ashamed, like anger, sadness, jealousy, if I let myself sort of wallow in it, I do feel a connection to my child self. It always goes back to that lonely kid, who's parents never hugged or said I love you. As soon as I remember that, I feel like a victim, which also makes me feel more ashamed. So, yeah, it's really a lot of layers to get through, but once you open up that door to embrace the shame as it is and not judge it, you can start to feel a sort of sympathy for yourself, not as a victim, but as a human being, who deserved love and then you can allow yourself to love yourself.

i was addicted to the idea that i was a loser. it was a terrific way for me to stay unaccomplished and uninvolved with life. i still feel like a loser sometimes, but i try to find its' purpose.

Who else cried after he pulled out the chair? Thanks JP that was deep!

I had the most intriguing and terrifying experience while watching this... Throughout the entire video, there was a battle between my thoughts and feelings, between my heart saying "keep watching because this is important to you, this addresses maybe your biggest struggle in life, this will make you understand why so many things are wrong in your life" and my mind saying "turn it off, this will only bring pointless suffering, you don't really relate to it anyway because you are not that pathetic to have shame". My heart was taking in the message and feeling it's meaning but my mind became so aggressively defensive that I had to pause several times because of my flight response becoming too strong. I went through a lot of emotions, from dismissal to anger, fear, sadness and eventually to a kind of relief. Now that it's over, I'm intrigued by my unexpected reaction and honestly, a little scared of how out of control everything felt. I don't think I've ever been assaulted by mixed feelings and thoughts to such a degree. And even though I can't say it was a pleasant experience, I want to thank you JP for giving me the opportunity to become aware of this side of me I wasn't even aware it existed! Because before watching this, I couldn't even contemplate the idea that I might have shame... And of course, thank you for the beautiful content of the video!

I had to remove myself from my entire family and am now what I call an "Orphan with Living Family" I was abused and at the age of 57 still suffer. Thank You so much for this video. God Bless. Love your funny ones also...I learn from both. Hugs.

Im only starting to deal with childhood shame now at 54 and its really hard but its good to find out Im not alone, thanks.

when I was five I fell off of a cliff. It was a forty four drop and it's left me disfigured. I'm not a burden.. but know one day I will be. This is my shame that I carry every day and it eats me up. I'm trying to get past it. It's not easy when you're reminded every day. But in the end the thought that helps me through is that it could be worse. I'm still here and I'm healthy in every other way. We do need to be grateful for what we have. Thanks JP.

"Is a fish aware its swimming in raw sewage. That would probably be an improvement from shame." Didn't know you had deeper more reflective videos besides your hilarious ultra spiritual series. I am thoroughly impressed. Keep up the amazing work.

"We recreate shame to feel parented " omg! Ive just had the biggest ha ha moment.

I've been trying to act "normal" for so long. I endured 19 years of Psychological abuse, being used, and shamed for any one of my actions. This was the first thing I've seen that really addresses self healing from the inside out, instead of barking at my inner self from the outside. I love this so much. Thank you.

I am not at all in denial of my shame, on the contrary: I am far too used to telling myself to be ashamed of the things I did, or failed to do. Accepting my failures has become very familiar to me, far too familiar. My self concept is built around it, from very early on. If I succeed in something, I struggle with the success; if I fail at something, I embrace the shame without questioning it, because I am welcoming failure, and I don't recognize success as a part of myself. Which is exactly why I am glad to have found your videos about shame and self-sabotage. I am grateful for the impulses and being guided by your words. Maybe, this time around, starting small, I may actually break through some unhealthy patterns. Thank you! :)

Dude... this just helped me resolve a huge challenge I’ve been experiencing for months. I thought I was dealing with fear but it was shame! Shame and rejection. I felt it hit me and let it set in. A huge weight and inner pain lifted 🙏🏽

I think it's important to acknowledge the inherited shame of one's parents and one's parent's parents etc that may have been passed along to the innocent child too.

You are such an insightful, charismatic and humble person. I resonate with all of your messages and you always make me laugh with your satirical videos :-) I agree that "Healing the Shame that Binds You" is an incredible book, it has helped me tremendously with my healing path. I am grateful to "know" you, JP, you are beautiful.

"Healing the shame that binds you" - John Bradshaw

This is exactly what I needed. I only just began to realize in recent times how much shame I carry from childhood, and you've given me so much insight on how to move towards healing myself. Thank you.

I'm only 17 but found this vídeo very helpful. thank you!

Took me about a year to be able to start really listening to what you say here, JP. Thank you so much for your work. I try not to shame myself for still needing a lot of chocolate in order to be able to think about the topic.

Beautiful JP, I am very grateful..getting my chair ready to hear my little one's shame.

damn it dude, you make me laugh, and then here you make me cry. I was not expecting this at all. My entire childhood was always masking what happened inside the home. Every time we would go anywhere we always had to act like our home wasn't real. Its hard to even remember things that happened at home because we knew we had to lie to cover that up anywhere we went. Now I"m 40 years old and I can't stand lying anymore. I feel I've hurt so many of my relationships by instinctively lying about anything negative going on. Thinking about how much I just wanted my dad to love me, and how much his love would hurt, and then realizing how much I've hurt those around me without realizing it. How do I start being honest with people who have only known my lies. I don't even know how to start with this...

God bless you, JP ! What years of counseling could not do, you did with a 17 min video. I cannot express how grateful I am for this advice. Thanks you so much! I will definitely read the book mentioned in the video. Keep up the good work!

You have not just opened my inward eyes, but my heart too. I can't believe I didn't 'see' it like that (then again, obviously, didn't want to look at it at all!) before. A deep DEEP thank you.

I cannot express my gratitude to the insight that has been shared here. I experience when I was 19 that was shameful. I fell in love and went with it. It was a matter of time before the family found out and that's when the shame kicked in. I was called a whore, slut, tramp etc The relationship didn't last. But the legacy of the relationship wasn't a memory of love that I had, but a feeling of pure rancid shame....that I had screwed everyone and everything up. I tried to run away from this shame...got into a good uni and got a medical degree. But shame was always there, and it morphed into my being. The shame was defiantly a contributor in my choice of an abusive partner. I am starting again. And I completely resonate with accepting and comforting the girl I was of 19. I feel I am achieving union with the part of my soul that I left behind all those years ago

"You were all by yourself with the abuse and neglect when it happened. Never again will you be all by yourself." @13:02 struck a chord with me. Thank you for this. I'll always be grateful. ❤️

I just burst into tears coming to the epiphany I've been waiting for about why I sometimes feel like giving up on living: I feel ashamed to exist. Thank you, JP!

Thanks for this video JP. I literally cried when you explained the meaning of the empty chair next to you. I literally numbed my childhood pains inside me for all these years.

I just wanted to say what you have told us in this short video has really changed my life around for the better. Thank you.

I went through some trauma in my childhood and the shame I have is overwhelming at times. All of this makes a lot of sense. Working with a therapist to face my shame head on, currently. I am excited and very scared to work this out. Thanks JP for your insight and you are inspiring to people whom are trying to figure themselves out and better their authentic self. Please keep it up! The world needs more of you and your humor in this world.

1:18--"Everyone else has probably turned this video off". No, JP, I haven't turned it off yet...I'm uncomfortable and that's a very good sign that I need to watch the rest of this video.

"We become the shame." So true. This is the source of psychological blocks.

Absolutely brilliant, JP. Wow. Just, wow.

You, Sir, are a genius. This really helped me! Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with us!

I listened to a bunch of your videos last night and it as like a meditation or some sort of deep gentle processing that gave me a lot of sense of peace. I felt more relaxed about life after I listened. I'm glad there are many more. I think I will continue to listen.

Compassionate acceptance. That's the key to dealing with shame.

literally in tears. ive been thinking a lot lately about my shame. i had no clue what to do about it. i didnt realize how comfortable i had gotten just living with it. this video has brought me so much peace. ive been looking for acceptance from others to try and get rid of the shame but totally never realized i hadnt forgiven myself. i am so thankful to have stumbled on to your videos. you have no idea how much youve helped me. thank you.

wow.. that just touched my heart :] sometimes when I think about what my child self had gone through, I feel sorry for the kid. that's really good advice - compassionate acceptance. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us.

god, I love you. thank you so much, JP. you've helped through such a difficult time. I have so much respect for you and your content. thank you so much for sharing.

JP, at the 7:50 minute of your video I was in tears. I have been struggling with therapies because I couldn't describe or define what was happening to me. I just feel that my body was in a self-destruction mode. As you defined it: my vibration is closer to death as never felt before. I never had suicidal thoughts but I felt my body was shutting me down. With little knowledge about my own emotions and what do they mean, I didn't realise that shame is all I am suffering from and constantly blamed recent and most painful of all heartbreaks. But I now see my pain comes from the shame I've been carried for so long what had constantly caused all the other heartbreaks and disappointing interaction and relationship I have with friends, work, and community. I have much gratitude for this video you've done and also grateful to Patrick for asking that question to you. I now have some true material I can use to help in the next session with my therapist.

I just cried when you talked from the other chair... your shame is understandable... it's okay to be ashamed JP... it's understandable........ :'(

I love the greatness of JP in all his phases be it humours as much as being serious. It is not east task AT ALL. And I remember having a hard time the very first time I came across all his videos. Gradually I realized little space there was to laugh about, and more to think deeply and reflect upon.

JP, your words in this video are so powerful that I uncontrollably broke out in tears half way through it. In the past couple of years I have realised how much my childhood experiences have affected me and have been trying to deal with them so that I can start having meaningful relationships without feeling shame. Thank you so much for the video, hopefully one day I will be able to lead a life with more joy than shame.

"feeling is the evidence of healing" LOVE THAT thank you

I'm currently dealing with my childhood trauma with my therapist, and I really find your videos such a positive supplement to the inner work I'm doing. Thank you so much for this! I love your perspective on all this stuff, and I love how you spell everything out without dumbing it down.

One of the unexpected bonuses of having kids, for me, is the new paradigm it supplies. One of the questions I now use as a kind of moral litmus test when I'm confused is, "How does this apply to my sons?" For example, if I am feeling shame about something and I'm scrambling for a less violent way of handling myself, I think, "What would I be telling my son right now if he were in my shoes?" and "Would I want my son to think these things about himself?" I figured out that this can be taken farther by applying it all over the place. And I don't mean that I think I should treat everyone like they're my 5 yr old (although it would be an entertaining spectacle). I just mean that the level of compassion and the kind of eye* I use to look at them would be the same one I use while viewing my sons. It's intimidating to try to view the whole bleeding world this way. But, like you said about shame...it can look like it's poison, but it's actually presenting a way to heal. The analogy sounds gross. But it's the best one I can come up with: When I was in labor, all* I wanted to do when there was a contraction was close my legs tighter. That made it hurt more. I was absolutely convinced that, if I pushed out with the contraction, then it would hurt more and I'd pass out or something bad would happen. Besides, I didn't think I knew how to push out b/c I didn't even know what it felt like to push out with that part of my body. But the nurse said to me, "Trust me. You're making it harder by fighting the contraction. Push with it." When I finally took her advice, it actually hurt less and I could feel how the pain was communicating exactly what was going on with my son. I started to participate in my own kid's delivery. I believe shame functions similarly. A mantra that helps me and maybe would help others is, "Push with the contraction." When you feel terrible about yourself, stay in there with it and figure out where it's coming from or it'll hurt worse. Wow...this turned into a freakin' essay. Alrighty then.

Thank you for this awesome insight into shame! I was an "in denial" person who unconsciously sought out experiences that shamed me. The body goes for what it knows. It wasn't until my body went for an incredibly shaming experience that was actually a direct re-enactment of my original shaming experience from childhood that I finally sought help. It is understood now that when we go through a traumatic event, such as feeling shame, and don't resolve it, we actually seek out similar situations in the future because our body wants to heal. We want to become regulated and healed, but because of the original traumatic event we have limited capacities to deal with similar traumas in a new way. We go into auto-pilot. We get triggered and the body thinks, "Uh Oh, I know what's going on here, it happened before, my life feels like it's in danger AND I survived this situation before by doing X." "X" is any trauma related response such as fight, flight, shut down, dissociate, or disconnect. Then X becomes our auto-response. And X may not be the most appropriate response to the present situation we are in that triggered our body into a traumatic response, but because X worked before, we do it unconsciously anyways. Feeling shame is a deeply traumatic experience to have, as such, when it is activated, we slip into our reptilian brains, where our fight, flight, dissociate and shut down responses live. It REALLY is important to work with another conscious loving presence to help you move between your frontal cortex where all of our adult, creative, social interaction capacities are, and the reptilian brain where our shame trauma lives. Our frontal cortex allows us to orient, to think clearly, and most importantly to renegotiate and to integrate the shameful experience coming up from childhood activated by the reptilian brain in the back. Without someone else sitting with you to help ground you in the present moment and in your frontal cortex, you can easily re-traumatize yourself and slip into even more shame. Along the lines of how shame lives in our bodies, it has been discovered that almost all people experience shame in their bodies in the same way: that warm feeling of overwhelm comes over us, especially right over the forehead and eyes. Try it out. let yourself feel shame and see where it comes in your body. One aspect of healing this shame that you touched on with the heart disease as a symptom, is that shame keeps us frozen in overwhelm. While being frozen seems like a very still peaceful state from the outside, as a traumatic response, it actually takes just as much, if not more energy for our bodies to stay frozen as it does to fight or flee, or dissociate. Just think: your body feels threatened, so it gets adrenaline pumping, your heart beat rises, your breathing increases, your eyes sharpen, your hearing intensifies, you are ready to do what you need to survive! And one option is to take all that energy and adrenaline and FREEZE, because sometimes being frozen and playing dead can save your life. To keep your body frozen you need all of that energy to remain completely still and shutdown. That's not an easy state to be in! And these are not responses we consciously choose, if we chose them they would not be survival responses. So its important not to beat yourself up for not "choosing" the "right" response. You have no conscious control when you are in your reptilian brain. If you survived the experience and are reading this right now, then give your body a big congratulations for choosing the "right" response, because you are alive! You did what you needed to do: stay alive. Because shame lives in our bodies and keeps us on lock down It is important not to just feel the shame as an emotion, but to let your body do whatever it needs to do to release the shame through small movements, you may even release heat, some twitching or shaking and trembling, any movements that your body wants to do. But this should be down with a professional who can watch you and knows how to help you check in with yourself so that you don't get too overwhelmed and re-traumatized. Somatic Experiencing is the process that integrates trauma through the body, emotions and our logical adult thinking brains. The website is www.traumahealing.com and I highly recommend this work for anyone who feels they need help with their shame or any other traumas they have experienced in their lives.

Love this video. Over the years I carried the pain of the passed years... and still healing.

Wow that was therapeutic ... I did what you said and I got this: Molested as a little child,... I felt DIRTY (STAINED, DISGUSTING), DAMAGED GOODS, WORTHLESS... ONLY GOOD FOR EXPLOITATION, BUT UNWORTHY OF LOVE, CARE, PROTECTION, NURTURING, ACTUAL CONNECTION DEFECTIVE, LIKE NOBODY WILL WANT ME NOW DISCONNECTED PHYSICALLY OR INTIMATELY

Learning we are the fish in raw sewage, having lived only in raw sewage, clean water seems foreign and unobtainable. We come to understand those around us see we swim in sewage and feel shame in that. Wanting to get out of the dirty water can seem like an impossible goal. How do we live in clean water? Who are we in clean water? The two chairs is a wonderful idea to share. I got to know you through your humorous videos. I'm grateful for your work.

Eloquent and sensible.

"Don't let the servant of your mind step on the sacred gift of your heart." Damn, JP. Really... Thank you for this video. I know I've struggled with my feelings around the abuse and neglect I experienced as a child because it "wasn't as bad" as what some other people went through (it was rough, but it could have been worse.) That phrase, and this entire video, really, will stick with me. Opening to the vulnerability will be a bit tricky, I think, but I'll try to approach it with compassion. Thanks again for the post!

Wow, I am so...speechless. JP every one of your videos I see are so brilliant and bang on getting to the root of issues. They help me in a way nothing else has. Thank you!!!!

Love this JP. In NLP, I learned that guilt was the feeling you get when you fail to meet your own standards, and guilt was the feeling you get when we don't live up to the standards of others. When we first feel shame, if we turn it in on ourselves, seeing ourSELF as the shameful aspect, rather than the behavior or event, you take it on as an aspect of who you are, in your mind. This is how it becomes crippling. There is a big difference between thinking "What I did was shameful" and "I am shameful."

Beautiful, simply beautiful. Thank you.

This is both beautiful and healing for all - very grateful to have found your channel!!! THank you!

Good stuff! Perfect distinction between shame and guilt. For those who need more, I recommend listening to Brene Brown's "The Power of Vulnerability" as she gives excellent advice on dealing with shame.

I think we all have shame, some have very little and can overcome it, others are full of shame and need to work on healing. Thanks JP.

Why oh why we human beings have to go trough so much shame&suffering trough our lives&especily as a child?! My mom is a border line-narsc.and my life was always about her,I was never good enough for her,how is she feeling-did I do/say this wrong etc.I wasnt for so long in touch with my own self/feelings cos it hurted to much,but few years back I went on this self-healing journey and slowly I heal,I learn to go deep and face my shadow/fear and the more I heal the less influence she have over me!Now I know Iam not responsable for her state of mind&wellbeing,as before I always felt shame cos of her!JP all your vids are pure gold&thank you for being here for us in funny way&healing way..much love to all♡

WOW. Shames creates the feeling of being parented. YES. And because my parents were my life, my first real loves (deservingly or not, reciprocated appropriately or not), my authority figures and I didn't know any different type of parent, that feeling is like their (version) of love. But it's not normal or healthy love. But I didn't know that because every kid loves their parent no matter what they do to us. You are so empowering, the timing in how I discovered you is no accident. Thank you for your incredible perspectives.

Very grateful to have found your channel, thank you.

I’m not used to hearing you talk seriously, but this video hit home for me. You have such a kind, sincere way of talking. Thank you!

"Feeling is the evidence of healing" True. Not easy always

This is one of the most beautiful things I have seen on the internet since... ever?

Thank you so much for this. I've been struggling with shame and feeling just worthless for last thoughts and thinking and things I've done and even as a kid. I have hope in recovery now and gaining my life back. I'm going to seek help. Thank you

The servant of my mind has been stepping on my heart for as long as I can remember. I am a new subscriber to your videos, bought your book and audio book. I really appreciate what you are doing with these videos. Thank you!

this made me cry, in a good way. I feel better for being able to work through these emotions. thank you so much

"I need to become vulnerable and feel it."

The first teary eyes came around 13:08

This was extremely revealing. I can't thank you enough!

Thankyou JP, just what I needed to hear today. Really connected with my wounded child whilst watching this. I love the kind and gentle way you tell it like it is. The phrase "feeling is the evidence of healing" gives me hope that every painful feeling I experience is actually beneficial. You Rock xxx

Thank you. I am finally ready to take the shame to God and let His love heal me.

JP, I have never heard anyone speak so well, so accurately, about the topic of Shame since John Bradshaw. I have not even heard anyone else speak of John Bradshaw other than myself, and now you, in decades. What beautiful work you are doing. Thank you 😃 Bonnie Rabbit 🐇

Wow JP, that was really intense. I'm certainly not one to shy away from my issues, and that one was huge. There's so much to look at here. Unfortunately, you're about as close to a psychologist as I can afford. You're a wonderful inspiration. Thank you. I'm now going to search your videos for any on releasing us from fear, especially when the material world seems to be forcing us into homelessness from financial distress. Not that that has anything to do with me of course. Lol SIGH. Waking up afraid at 4am much? I'm definitely off to search through your videos for once on fear etc. You're such a wonderful teacher. Thank you for making these free of charge. You were truly a gift to those of us in dire need. Blessings on you.

wow. I didn't expect this... I thought it would be another funny video, but instead, a much needed healing. From the bottom of my heart - Thank You.

love your shame, shame is uncomfortable with love, give it a hug. it loses its power, love throws fear and shame away, shrinks at the very least. embrace the Yuki, can't stand love. Love never fails.

It's true. I'm 34 and I have no idea how love works. When I see supportive parents, I am shocked. When people don't hurt me for even the slightest sign of vulnerability, I am shocked and ever so thankful. I run away from what I think are unforgivable, or from situations where I could be loved... because those weren't familiar. And yet I wanted love and forgiveness because I know, intellectually, that I deserve them. But still I go from one abusive relationship to the next, because that is all I know. I'm healing though. Slowly, slowly, slowly.

I teared up a bit when you brought out the 2nd chair. I'll be sure to pull one up for little Summer :)

JP, there's probably about a 1 in a million chance you will read this, but I'm the father of 4 sons and 1 daughter. A couple of my sons look close to your age. I just want you to know that you have a beautiful mind and heart and spirit. I think any father would be proud to have a son like you. God bless.

You spoke to something here about not knowing that you are controlled by shame. I’m going to listen to it again.

Jp, thank you for all the hard work you do. I have very deep shame from some of the earliest years of my childhood. Your videos help me understand that issues are rooted deeper than the objectivity we give them. I am now in the process of healing and understanding that it's okay to not be okay. You are amazing and I love you. Please come back to Arizona soon! -Nazareth Hailey

THANKYOU!! JB my words are sincere I came across this video just after an anxiety attack during this attack I had a breakthrough and realised my anxiety and mental health is due to my shame. "We become the shame" was so powerful for me I made a connection for the first time. Thank God for your words it was the hand up I desperately needed. Thankyou x

This was a life changing video for me. I have other issue to work on and they have all become a lot more easy to deal with because the root of it all has been found now. I just want to say thank you for all of the help with these videos.

Thank you so much JP for sharing your thoughts and enlightenment. You are truly an inspiration and you have added so much positivity, compassion and love into my life. Namaste.

just an incredible breakdown of a topic newly arrived and arranged in front of me. Thank you. Your timing was perfect.

Powerful way to really think about digging in deep. Food for thought! Thank you

dude your amazing!!! You help me to laugh at myself, you offer amazing free advice.

WOW! that's some deep stuff! It's gonna take some rewatching to catch it all- but very powerful-- Thank you so much for the work that you do JP :)

"Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown. I picked that up a couple years ago. Good stuff!

you are so smart! now I know why it actually hurts to change- because you need to FEEL that you have the shame inside of you and it is not comfortable but this is your path to healing

Thank you, this video really made me think what my inner shame is. I actually cried when I realize what my shame is. Thank you.

Years ago now, I came across the quote, Never underestimate the seduction of the familiar’. It’s actually referring to the tendency for abused people to feel drawn back into abusive situations, even when we’ve started healing and we do it because of the shame. When I first stated dealing with my own shame, and beginning to grasp how it had ruled and defined my life no one was talking about it. I’m so glad that has changed. I. Understand there is now research looking at the link between mental health issues and shame, and I’m sure you’re right that it also impacts physical health as I know from experience it causes stress, and I think we all know what stress can do. Thanks for this 🙏

"it's okay you're not perfectly functional" holy shit I really needed to hear that

Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I'm so grateful I found you.

Thank you for this! It really resonates with some emotional things I have been working on for the past 8 months. It took me a crisis to get to that point, my body just couldn't handle not dealing with my emotions anymore. I am always looking for insights to support me on my path to healing and this is great. Also, I probably never would have gotten to this video if it wasn't for your hilarious ones which I stumbled upon in need of a laugh, so thanks for those too ;)

Love that you can have a laugh so refreshing. Lot of public speakers are so absorbed by their ego that making a little mistake is shameful for them. Great to have some useful psychology with a light touch. HOGWASH

VOLTAGE!!! I've searched for the word to describe the feeling that I feel when shame presents itself to me. THAT is the word. Exactly. It's a horrible feeling- exactly how you describe it- unto death itself.

Outstanding video. Another useful tool I've found is to carry a picture of yourself as a child in your wallet and talk to him/her lovingly once in a while. Keep up the good work J.P.

Without a doubt yours JP was the best discussion of shame I’ve ever heard. Thank you! Now I have to go pull up another chair.

Are you kidding me?! I just confessed to my followers about shame and why I think we need to talk about this. After that I turned to youtube for some soothing music to soften the anxiety from talking about my shame and instead you pop up with your video on top of my feed... There goes my meditation.. I'm all ears :D