Years ago, when I was a new convert, my bishop set me up with a wonderful guy. Six months later I discovered my bishop purposely set me up with a guy who was trying to “overcome” being gay. When I confronted the bishop, he defended his actions and explained the his own daughter was married to a gay man and it was working out. Wow, I’m still shocked by his actions and comments.

I was raised in the Mormon church. I am the youngest sibling in a family of six children. I have four brothers who all served missions when they were young and later ones as a couple with their wives. All my siblings were married and sealed in the temple. My brothers served in the bishopric, even as bishops and stake presidents. Growing up, there was only one path for a young woman. Stay a virgin until marriage, and marry a return missionary in the temple, learn to cook tuna fish casseroles & jello salads, & focus on the goal of having children, be a stay at home homemaker, and be a subservient wife to the priesthood holder in my home. There was no plan B for us, so when I was raped at 18 yrs old the bottom fell out of my entire world. Three months after the rape I attended a fireside featuring a General Authority. I sat listening in all my guilt & shame to his talk that would drastically change the trajectory of my life forever. It was these words, " For God so loves Chastity that he would rather you give up your life than relinquish your virtue." These words translated to me - God would rather have me be dead than to have survived the attack. After my attacker told me that he would kill me if I didn't stop screaming & kicking, I think part of me froze and I did stop fighting. I still to this day have so much guilt for not fighting harder. Its hard to explain everything that goes through your head during an attack but I do remember telling myself to go some place else in my mind until it was over. I put every piece of clothing that I had on that night in a bag and threw them in the dumpster, I scrubbed my skin with an S.O.S. pad and bleach until it was raw and bleeding. I told no one what had happened to me and I lived in constant fear that through the "power of discernment" all priesthood holders would be able to instantly tell that I was now just trash like my bag of ripped clothes in the dumpster, so I found myself trying to avoid them. That was just the beginning of the events that were marked with severe depression and several suicide attempts. There is so much more to my story but there is just not room to tell it all which involves my siblings shunning me after they found out and excluding me from family reunions for the next 30 years, and years later being engaged to a return missionary who ended up tearing up my temple recommend after being advised by my bishop to tell him about the rape. He called me a whore & said that his family would disown him if he married someone who wasn't a virgin. He was just the first of many Mormon men who would break up with me because of the rape. I finally just stopped trying to date them altogether, I came to believe that there really was no contingency plan for those of us who haven't saved ourselves for marriage, whether we chose to give t away or had it taken from us. .My entire adult life has been centered around the basic notion that I would always be damaged goods in God's eyes, which makes it nearly impossible to grant yourself forgiveness. The reason I tell this story is because I want others who have experienced any kind of sexual attack to know that a God or a religion that can make you hate yourself or live in pertetual shame is NOT THE ONE TRUE ONE! I must admit though that the Mormon church isnt as bad with this sort of thing like it used to be when I was growing up, and so I hope there aren't a whole lot of other women out there who have been traumatized by a sexual assault and then re-traumatized by their religious beliefs. To any women who have experienced this sort of thing, whether young or old, you are not alone. The first step to healing is to share your story with someone you can trust. And if you don't have someone that you can trust feel free to private message me. Always remember that your value as a woman & as a human being is not solely based on whether or not you can give yourself to marriage as a virgin. It wasn't your fault and God is glad that you survived it. Don't let the tradgedy of a rape define the rest of your life or effect your ability to love & value yourself. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

Watching this interview in 2021, one of the best most honest interviews I’ve ever seen. I got to know about you in SYTYVD and that made me search for your videos . Sad to learn you didn’t enjoy the experience even though you gave so much joy to viewers like me. You’re a beautiful human being, inside and out.

Your 1000th episode, with Benji! I think my morning plans just got derailed. :) Congrats, John, on reaching your 1000th!

So proud of all of the things Benji has accomplished. His voice is exactly like my husband’s voice, his cousin. The whole Schwimmer family is extremely musically and rhythmically talented. I’m married to one-unfortunately I do not have their talent. 😂❤

Happy 1000th episode John. I am so thankful for work you have done and hope you shall continue to do so!

I've finally come to the realization of just how badly growing up Mormon twisted me up. I constantly have to rewire and retrain my thoughts. I still feel a lot of times that I'm not really good enough. I still feel that if I were to have a romantic partner, I would be selfish because I won't be able meet the average person's sexual needs. I fight constantly in my head the feeling of being alone, or worse just having to suck it up in hopes of having someone to grow old with. And while I know that I don't deserve to feel this way, there's still that part of my brain that tells me I'm being punished for who I am. And this is part of why I also feel that we need to be less closed off about sexual subjects. People need to understand varying levels of desire, libido, orientations, and intimacy. We can't make real decisions about ourselves until those conversations are started.

This has got to be my favorite episode so far!

Wow! I love the real talk in this episode. Thank you, Benji, for your extreme openness and willing to share the physical and emotional aspects of relationships. I’m a straight, cis gender woman in her 50s, and I’d love to hear more episodes on exploring human sexuality after Mormonism. I honestly feel like damaged goods and need to learn openness and allowing myself to explore. Fantastic interview.

Welcome back Benji! Your episode helped me gain peace about my own (then upcoming) departure from the LDS church. Congratulations to the open stories crew on the thousanth episode. I love that you are a figure skating choreographer. I loved that bird program.

Congrats on your 1000th episode. I am not, never have been Mormon. I came to learn about Mormonism after Mitt Romney became a presidential candidate and wondered what all the fuss was about! Well, have I learnt a lot!!!! Also, enjoyed Benji on YTYCD, and your other Mormon Stories podcast. Ready to settle down and watch this episode - from Sydney , Australia!!!

I watched part 1 last night, still on my M.S. deep dive. What an amazing interview & man. I continue to learn ❤

The masculine/ feminine thing is hard to wrap our brains around, because we are coming from an era where sexuality and gender were equated. It' such a process for some of us! But I'm glad the message is getting louder.

Congrats on 1,000 episodes John.

Wow benji All I have to say is you never cease to amaze me like I already looked up to you prior to your last video but this one just solidified how much you’ve inspired me and how much you have helped me come to terms on my spiritual journey as a Mormon and in life in general I have no doubt in my mind that if we ever met we would have so much chemistry and hopefully a romantic relationship

Benj, I knew you from dance events years ago. I am happy for you that you have recognized who you are and accept that. Best wishes for your if.

Yes! Thank you!!! Normalize talking about sex! Regardless of whether or how you choose to have sex, people need to be comfortable talking about it!

Very interesting . Congrats on1000 ! ✨👏✨👏 Benji, I honor your authenticity & at the same time it makes me question your value system . Which questioning is a good thing ! Huge hugs guys . Your eternal friend, Blake

"The church" does not, and will never save anyone. As a person who grew up in a Christian family, and have had my own struggles in life (like everyone) and with that my faith.... I still have my faith, but if a label is needed for my beliefs, I will call myself a follower of Christ, rather than "Christian". Thankyou Benji for sharing your testimony. I did indeed come to this web site due to watching you on SYTYCD.

OMG! I've been craving for this since Benji's first interview

Congrats on 1000 episodes

Thank you both for your candor-it is great when people do not beat around the bush. :) Great interview.

Hey, we need some follow-up with Benji!!

Such a great episode! I love these kinds of talks; so healing.

1000 episodes is a lot of episodes. My heck, it's amazing to think how many people feel alone in their journey navigating out, around and through Mormonism and the comfort Mormon Stories has brought to them (us). Thanks. The only but sex I get goes something like ''I would have sex with you, but...''

Benji looks much better here than before the last time (also sounds better & comes across better).

The MORMON church marks its LGBTQ members with an asterisk . . . reminds me of how the Nazis marked jews with a star of david during ww2.

As someone that I perceive as "having his life in order" I would call Benji "daddy" even though he's younger than me.

The more I watch those podcasts the more I come to the conclusion that the LDS church is holding hostage millions of fantastic people who could be freed to bless the world with love and integrity, without being crushed by condemnation and burnout. Makes me so angry.

I’m a 73 year old and I wish I had a picture of what I looked like in my prime.

1:04:28 YES!!!!

i see two people here both gorgeous on the inside and outside. 2 people talking and just being themselves and sharing thoughts and feelings. xxxx

In your description box could you post links to former episodes that you recommend?

Benji is such a wonderful, caring &compassionate.man. The Prince of Swing. Sorry Benji. Your Dad will always be known as the King of swing & the man with a 1000 moves. I'm so glad that Benji is sharing his story! Benji is now retired from competition. See his KZfaq channel for more information. . By the way. I'm an ex Mormon /left on my own Accord I ,had my membership removed . I went to the church for help . I am a victim of Domestic violence(Boyfriend beat up& threatened to kill me.I also grew up in an emotional abusive home. Anyway I went to the bishop asking if anyone in the ward had a room for me to rent because I was staying in a homeless shelter as the domestic violence shelters for women are currently full. My former bishop told me I should go back to my mother's. Or try and tough it out in the shelter . Women fleeing domestic violence are supposed to be in a safe house. Not in a homeless shelter No I did not go stay with my narcissistic emotional abusive mother. Anyway since the church turned me away& I read the CES letter. I felt like it was time for me to leave the church. I am being helped by some friends who are not lds..

Congrats on the 1000 th episode this is my favorite podcast! 😊 I put this comment in before listening to it all but I need to check if I heard correctly - does homosexuals in LDS church get an asterix by their name in the member list? Grateful to know if this is a policy in the LDS church.

love John! Benji too. Thanks for the work that you do.

Hi John! My name is manny and I'm actually in the same shoes as benji. Currently I'm going through a faith crises and was wondering if you have some free time if you could help me out with some advice.

High Congrats on 1,000 critically important episodes to help build a better world!

💓💓💓💓

let's face the fact lds/ church uses clever ways to punish certain unaproved groups in lds church with smile on their face and a knife behind hidden behind their back

10:30 ......what in the hell. So so so terrible.

So so many stories like this re the lds church. You’re a great guy! I’m soooooooooo glad to see you looking so happy because you deserve to be! I’m also gay and grew up catholic.....so I get it. God loves you ....oh ....and me! Gay.....yes.....loves us both! You didn’t choose your eye colour ....and you didn’t choose to be Gay. Love and support to you from down under!!!! 🇦🇺🇦🇺🏳️‍🌈🇦🇺🏳️‍🌈🇦🇺🏳️‍🌈😘😘🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🇦🇺🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈😘😘❤️❤️❤️🙂🙂❤️

💛

just a shout out to the houston folks!

I didn’t know this was true until now

My question is is where do people find these gay ex-mormons? Cause I'm one of them also. Sorry about my name, didnt make it.

seeking Mormons take a look at Ancientfaith.com. a resource, no matter what denomination you seek -- cannot go any more direct that resources from the original church. Love to those who are struggling as they leave the Mormon faith. God bless.

ummmmmm....I'm not sure you can classify grindr as a gay dating app....