Betrayal Trauma: How we Downplay, Block Out, or Put on 'Rose-Colored Glasses' to Avoid the Pain
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Why does betrayal hurt so much? Betrayal hurts deeply because it shatters trust, and as children it can be hard to understand why our parents, friends, or family would hurt us. It can leave us feeling vulnerable, confused, and hurt. The pain of betrayal comes from the shock of realizing that the person we believed in, someone we relied on, has deceived us. As Tim explains, children deal with betrayal in many ways, sometimes downplaying or completely blocking it out to avoid the pain.
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Chapters
00:00 Why betrayal hurts so much
02:02 What betrayal feels like
03:34 How does a child respond to betrayal?
06:13 Blocking it out
06:50 Betrayal Blindness
08:09 Conclusion
@daniel-alan 17 күн бұрын
It hurts so much because betrayal always comes from loved and trusted people, not from enemies.
@petsmart1000 18 күн бұрын
Because you let down your guard and they say you are safe to be who YOU are and it’s ok, and then when they betray you, it literally cuts you to the core. I dealt with this with an ex best friend, and what she did, how she betrayed me, almost destroyed me. It actually physically hurts, this kind of betrayal. It’s the cruelest feeling ever. And because of going through that with her, I will NEVER let anyone in ever, idc if I’m keeping any ‘good’ people out, I am officially done with people. Never again.
@Karlien68 18 күн бұрын
Same...I totally relate and it almost killed me... I recognised all the feelings and still trying to heal from it. It was my closest friend and lived together with him for almost 18 years. Still in healing after 4 years and it damaged me deeply
@petsmart1000 18 күн бұрын
@@Karlien68 🫂 ya I totally agree and feel ya. After being ‘bffs’ for 15 yrs, I’m also still trying to heal 3yrs later. And to me the hardest part is, why them? You know?? Like why of all people did it have to be them?! Just gut wrenching. 😫 I just don’t get why and how people can be so cruel. 💔
@PaigeSquared 18 күн бұрын
"what it feels like" I get a feeling like a knife stabbed me in the gut and started twisting, when someone close to me uses DARVO. I disengage immediately, which is often mistaken as agreement. 🙄
@ts3858 18 күн бұрын
@@Karlien68 In my case this occurred when I was young and that same 'friend' began to repeatedly bully and mock/target me for the next 8 years..!! A true psychopath ....😓🙏
@ts3858 18 күн бұрын
@@Karlien68This did almost kill me with a severe eating disorder and suicidal ideation for the next 50 years.....😓🙏
@AdamNPDSurvivor 17 күн бұрын
Betrayal trauma feels like the worst type of grief you could ever imagine. When I left the narcissist ex-wife after discovering a 2nd affair that I knew about, I didn't know how to deal with the intense emotions I was feeling at the time. When ending a relationship with a narcissist following a brutal discard, and you are now their worst enemy you could ever imagine, It's like somebody you care for very deeply has died - but the narcissist is still alive. The narcissist has flicked a switch and doesn't give you any attention any more. You are on your own. You have no emotional support to get you through it and nobody else can understand your experience. It truly is a very dark period post narcissist relationship because you are left to also deal with post relationship abuse.
@carole9409 5 күн бұрын
😢
@kalayne6713 13 күн бұрын
I seem to reel from one betrayal to another, by family, lawyers, doctors, real estate agents, landlords...you name it. Am I a magnet for this stuff? Am I doing something wrong? Am I manifesting this cruelty? I am so very tired of life's constant betrayals.
@MrBrunoUSA 18 күн бұрын
try being a foster child and suddenly finding out that it is moving day and you are literally the last one to find oout and suddenly you are in a new placement.
@cg9612 18 күн бұрын
We need to take better care of children in the foster system.
@cancandoit 18 күн бұрын
Thats awful.😢
@yellowdayz1800 13 күн бұрын
The system is designed to fail. So sorry. Learn from the specialist and counselors online for free how to handle the trauma honey.. Ans be very careful for a. An or a woman that you might want to marry. To many covert malignant narcissist out there.. Learn the flags to look for. ❤ Stay safe. Hugs.
@janm9610 13 күн бұрын
So unfair for you. I'm sorry 😢
@steadypace1262 13 күн бұрын
@@yellowdayz1800 Yes there are a lot of covert narcissists out there flying under the radar. Malignant narcissists are often covert types I read in a psychological news report.
@annlane6540 13 күн бұрын
People show you who they are. It's extremely painful. Have to learn the hard way who you can actually trust and it's not always family.
@nadine8975 18 күн бұрын
This makes so much sense when looking at family dynamics and how betrayal trauma perseveres within generational trauma until someone is brave enough to stop the pattern.
@fundamentalcoach 18 күн бұрын
Exactly. The downplaying comes from an earlier trauma that caused disassociation. The upcoming trauma causes even more disassociation
@martinmartin9084 18 күн бұрын
Actually it is perpetuated every time someone denies your experience, which is something I believe is very common in certain families. My own father told me what to feel about his own betrayals, he was very crafty.
@azaleaslightsage1271 16 күн бұрын
There is alot of evidence of what you said, it's the DENIAL of your feelings your thoughts your words about the abuse/abandonment that perpetuates the traumatic event, being unacknowledged unheard unfelt even unbelieved is sometimes worse than the original experience. Then to be TOLD how you should think & feel about it by the trauma person is even worse. Why it's better to just acknowledge it yourself accept it to yourself grieve it (grieving is a short process get angry get sad get upset cry it all out yell it all out, just you alone does this) then, learn grow from it (Don't repeat it is learning growing through it) then leave it behind you. Take the lessons grow from it learn from it don't repeat it and go create a good life for yourself regardless of it. If you do this no need for therapy or any therapists!
@joeprimal2044 16 күн бұрын
Exactly. When the betrayer gaslights you and refuses accountability it makes the whole thing 10x worse. A simple yes, I screwed up, I’m sorry, forgive me and healing can begin because the betrayal is over. But when they won’t do that, the betrayal is ongoing.
@StJane 16 күн бұрын
You did a pretty good job describing what is essentially indescribable pain
@sadie9386 18 күн бұрын
I experienced my mother's words as a betrayal when I was 15. She said, in front of my brother, 'Sadie, from now on he can do whatever he likes to you and I'll say nothing. He can put you down on that floor and punch you until the blood is splurting and I'll still say nothing.'
@jl3268 18 күн бұрын
This is the worst betrayal ever. My mother held me down so my brother could hit me and laughed and praised him.
@penyarol83 17 күн бұрын
@@jl3268absolutely horrifying 🫣 Jesus 😔
@skysky7377 17 күн бұрын
I didn’t want to even watch this video so I could pretend it was painful. But to get back to me I have to be honest. To be rid of their damage I have to face it all
@auroraborelia9504 18 күн бұрын
Functional physical injury within the brain that is challenging to recover from but not impossible. WOW 🙏
@shifting_tides 18 күн бұрын
3:45 That's a good point. You don't really have to think about it when you feel loved, but it heavily impacts you when you feel unloved. Like you only think about water when you're thirsty. But when you've had a drink, and you're satiated, it's completely out of your mind. I think that can apply to other core emotional needs as well.
@lifelessonswithnoma 18 күн бұрын
I have through a lot of painful situations, even the death of my father nothing hurts like betrayal trauma
@rebeccaconn389 16 күн бұрын
I can relate to this now as an adult. I never felt betrayed as a child … but I was betrayed recently in a narcissistic relationship … I’ve been struggling to let go emotionally … my mind goes around in circles trying to comprehend how everything about the relationship was a lie. I poured out my heart to this man who pretended to love me … it was all a fake betrayal. I think this is why it’s takes so long to recover. It’s such a mind boggling experience. My brain just can’t comprehend so it replays it over and over trying to understand.
@flashman2 14 күн бұрын
Was with a female worse than a man I think?
@nicolecupples5644 18 күн бұрын
I have it now at 50. Because of my long term ex partner. It was not infidelity. Stabbed in the back, crushed, abandoned and alone....also used, humiliated and slandered and at times angry but not violent.. My heart literally ached. It hurt.
@Pr1ncefan 6 күн бұрын
Awful feeling
@Sarah-with-an-H 18 күн бұрын
Because they let you down. I have betrayal trauma with my mother
@catherinewilson1079 18 күн бұрын
I experienced this with my adopted mother when I was 15. I very simply shut down for the remaining two years of high school. I lived those two years in misery and when school finished I was sent into the city to live with an aunt and start working. I realized a few years ago at about age 64 that my adoptive mother was a very immature, socially retarded, damaged human being herself. That description could describe my biological mother as well. So I really didn’t have much of a chance of a great life. Thankfully I was gifted with a few brain cells and fought to make something of myself and also to understand thanks to people like Tim Fletcher the impact of all of this on my psyche. I hope that other people here are able to benefit from this man’s generosity of spirit and love ❤️
@UTP504 18 күн бұрын
There’s just something about reading, seeing or reading the word *Retarded* it just does something to me. Anyways, I’m glad you were able to make a life for yourself❤️, I know how hard it is. Tim is definitely awesome.
@catherinewilson1079 18 күн бұрын
@@UTP504 Sorry if I triggered you ❣️ There was really no better word for someone who was raised on a tiny island and never learned to socialize with people outside of her immediate family. Fortunately very few people suffer this kind of abuse these days.
@UTP504 18 күн бұрын
@@catherinewilson1079 Gotcha, no worries, I understand. She had a tough life, a lot of time trauma is generational, it just gets past down, unfortunately:(
@sunnybein1 16 күн бұрын
@@catherinewilson1079she was sheltered isolated and prevented from socialising (not retarded).Please delete that word from your vocabulary it’s highly offensive.
@joanjenny2555 18 күн бұрын
I never blamed myself I knew from a young age that it was a toxic and dangerous situation, I created a separate life where I expected nothing but abandonment, lies, abuse and isolation. They wanted a boy and I was not and ultimately the scapegoat. What I hated was the lies and false judgement in addition to the loneliness. To survive I had to create ways to feed my soul in a removed life from them. They stole for a time my Soul Essence.
@versewriter8123 18 күн бұрын
My mother was desperate for a boy but got me instead. I was the family scapegoat & my siblings accepted I must be flawed. To this day I feel like the outsider. I suffered greatly during childhood & beyond because of this.
@Jacob011 18 күн бұрын
Betrayal is the worst sin in Dante's Inferno.
@Fawn91193 18 күн бұрын
Yes. Satan was depicted having three heads. One mouth was chewing Brutus, another Cassius, and in the middle was Judas Iscariot. Quite a scene.
@gorunsko31 18 күн бұрын
Deep shock it was 😢 it was too much to process, to feel, so I didn’t. Now in my 70s I have enough of self love to believe me & cognitive dissonance is cracking. It is hard on my body too, but I want to get to know my self as I was and as I am. Thank you 🙏
@thesehandsart 13 күн бұрын
Growing up there were two worlds, theirs that i had to survive in and the truth. This meant that i lived in a battlefield in my mind and body of questioning, confusion, turning against myself to please them and a deep pit of loss and longing. Thank you for letting me see and feel that so i can move on to healing it.
@micheles8796 15 күн бұрын
Trust me when I tell you if you go through this as a small child, repeatedly, then spend your entire lifetime recovering, and then the love of your life, your soulmate, your best friend does this to you as an adult, it’s even WORSE! Trying to recover from this now is far harder, literally psychologically damaging and physically painful as well.
@dopplarwaves 14 күн бұрын
The way the cycle continues is absolutely heart breaking. My soulmate betrayed me the same way my father did. It blows my mind how I was able to dissociate and not challenge the abuse for years
@micheles8796 14 күн бұрын
@@dopplarwaves me too. I seriously feel your pain, I did the exact same thing…I was able to forgive my father and move on, and I am forgiving my so called soulmate too but am still in SO much pain, I don’t know how I’ll ever recover.
@micheles8796 14 күн бұрын
@@dopplarwaves praise God though that my daughter broke the cycle. She is happily married to a man who truly loves and honors and respects and provides for her.
@JohnOakes-mw5ls 18 күн бұрын
Thank you sooooooo much! This Channel is a real Godsend……literally!!! Shalom ✌️ God bless 🙏🙏🙏
@emorygurl 18 күн бұрын
I wonder if this could also apply to wounding or trauma experienced from careers and workplaces since we are so dependent on our jobs to survive (i.e. firings, layoffs, toxic workplace dynamics, realizing excelling in a career won't necessarily "save" you)
@samantharuebel8932 18 күн бұрын
It has its own application in that area, yes. It also has application in a marriage relationship. I didn't experience these things from my parents growing up but my ex-husband ignored and neglected me and our kids the whole 21 years we were married. Being told your husband isnt in love with you and isn't attracted to you is very painful. Knowing the only way he'll pay any attention is if you're thinner, but it still won't be love, that messes with you. And I couldn't leave, I couldn't handle things on my own with kids, so I stayed for far too long until I was able to afford to leave. Feeling used is something I'm very familiar with and it feels a lot like what he describes here. Pain is pain, no matter why you're feeling it, it's valid and it matters. We may experience different things in different ways but when we hurt it's very real.
@susanne4370 16 күн бұрын
Yes, it does.
@jamesmooney5348 14 күн бұрын
Wow! Hit the nail on the head!
@mnoxman 18 күн бұрын
After enough time with both parents doing it individual or in conjunction (knowingly or by coincidence) it just better to never trust any mammal higher than a dog or cat.
@kristinmeyer489 15 күн бұрын
0:32 We are a socially oriented species, and deep inside where primordial fears exist, ostracism exploits this.
@leonebritt4879 10 күн бұрын
Denying my experience - those words just brought it home to me. I was emotionally and sexually abused by my psychiatrist - so he betrayed my trust when I went to him for help to deal with childhood sexual abuse. I fell in love (transference, not love, I since discovered through another therapist) and I reported him. For 10 years I fought legal battles but my family members think I reported him for money and that I wanted to have sex with him so I shouldn't have dextroyed his life. He wasn't struck off, admitted it all but claimed I seduced him. He was found guilty of a breach of professional standards and allowed to continue practicing. The media also betrayed me by using my name in a national newspaper when the judge suppressed my identity! I will never recover from this and my family's attitude sits deep in my gut so I just never feel safe in the world. I wrote 2 books about it - An Inch of Love, an Inch of Ashes and The Telling Wall.
@mahidergedamu91 10 күн бұрын
What sucks about all this is that majority of kids are betrayed in some way, then we repeat the cycle as adults. I haven been betrayed and have betrayed..Jesus Christ healed me! I forgave and accepted forgiveness. I have learned all humans fall short and some unfortunately are at the extreme end. Healing, peace and love to everyone who is hurting or trying to heal. ❤
@sylviafaasse2728 18 күн бұрын
In de wereld zul je verdrukking hebben, maar heb goede moed, Ik (Jezus) heeft alles overwonnen. Wat een Troost dan he
@anauxistentialcxuxui9390 17 күн бұрын
Amen 🙏
@tom-vx1lp 11 күн бұрын
Someone made false accusations about me to the police. I would say it was more painful than when a family member has died.
@anikalee9012 18 күн бұрын
I feel like invisible nife stap somewhere in my chest. The pain is real but I can't see where is the wound.
@CynthiaSchoenbauer 18 күн бұрын
Can we have the Basic Needs Course for free if we are members? Or a reduced amount? When I am a member I don't have enough money. I am a senior on a fixed amount of social security and would like access to the information you have to give as a standing member. I think the only kind of material you should charge extra for is ones in which you personally teach individuals paying for your personal time individually and in a group. Online courses are not individually tailored. They have limited use in an individuals actually recovery because people don't just need information. They need individual care.
@worksofhands 18 күн бұрын
I I understand now. This is just another money making channel. What a pity. That's why there are no information about healing, it's all about describing the issues. Unsubscribing.
@thebluebutterfly5177 18 күн бұрын
@@worksofhandsit’s really sad you think that. I understand there is bitterness around money and perhaps that’s involved in your own trauma story but I assure you. This channel gives a lot away for free, I havent paid a penny, yet, and it has helped me so much. There is so much free content on healing it’s whether you want to make the time to find it. Our own healing is up to us at the end of the day. We can have support and help but no one can make us do it. If I had the money I would work with Tim and his team in a heartbeat because his understanding surpasses many therapists out there. If you have experienced betrayal through infidelity in a relationship I’d be glad to provide further free resources to you. Praying God keeps you.
@penyarol83 17 күн бұрын
@@worksofhandsunderstanding the issues helps us heal though, doesn't it? Personally I healed via the books of Alice Miller. She speaks so understandingly to and about the child and what it goes through that I felt so seen, so validated, I was able to uncover all my feelings & trauma and move through them day by day as I read her amazing books.
@laurynorder3965 12 күн бұрын
I want to do the work and heal so that I can love and protect my children in a healthy environment; so that I can finally welcome a mature loving and monogamous relationship. I want a family where we communicate effectively and honor God to the very best of our abilities. I mean no harm and come in peace; I would like very much to attract that. I am not a victim; I have survived and would now like to thrive and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
@heikeschubbert7710 14 күн бұрын
Even as a young child I clearly realised that my mother did not love me but the catholic church caused feelings of guilt for these thoughts. They told us that you have to honor your parents. Now I know the correct translation is you have to help them. I have got freedom with my mother when i understood her own trauma. And much more important I have made my freedom with God by studying his word
@virgochick1 18 күн бұрын
I did this as an ADULT with my ex husband!! :(
@meekone3380 16 күн бұрын
This explains alot, and kind of easier to understand why ive been isolated especially when having two conflicting thoughts. So if I never got closure from my mother, does it mean, you may never heal completely and maintain those conflicting thoughts of why the abuse, Is it partly why it's hard to trust completely in relationships?
@misspatvandriverlady7555 14 күн бұрын
My ex-husband slapped me in the face when I was 7 months pregnant with our first child. It’s still the only time in my life I’ve been struck in anger by someone older than 7. I’ve said I might as well have “found him in our bed with another woman”, that was what it felt like. I left less than 6 months later… 😓 (it’s been almost 15 years now)
@lifeisbeautiful7047 18 күн бұрын
Does this include spiritual desertion ?!
@worksofhands 18 күн бұрын
How do we heal? Did he mention it?
@Boyhowdy875 18 күн бұрын
Because it reaffirms the fact of life that you can't trust anyone.
@Haphappy298 15 күн бұрын
Substitute child with spouse and the same for all adults coping with marital betrayal.
@sll110 16 күн бұрын
I domt want to listen to this, too much pain, I dont want to trust anyone anymore, this World full of liars and demons, too late to know the Truths
@GnosticElohim 17 күн бұрын
It's the worst.
@amcgee0668 14 күн бұрын
Interesting🤔
@joyjones6927 18 күн бұрын
I don’t want to feel or think. #cepv #IMustWin
@Jacob011 18 күн бұрын
Betrayal - the worst sin in Dante's Inferno.
@cierraallen9288 18 күн бұрын
I am pretty sure my son has betrayal trauma from the birth of his sister. I was a stay at home mother with him for 5 years and we were together 24/7. When she was born I couldn't do as much for him or with him and his dad stepped in and took more care of him. We should have switched kids more than we did, but I was in fight or flight babies give me intense anxiety knowing everything that can happen with babies and they can't tell you. I don't know if I was ready to accept that it is my fault that he has been in flight or fight mode 7 years😭. I wanted to do better with my kids and apparently I have not. I am no better than my parents and that just ripped my heart out.
@Sleeprocket1 17 күн бұрын
That was heartbreaking to read
@donnasimmons2241 2 күн бұрын
Dont blame yourself. You made the best decision with good intentions. Children are resilient and he will heal. You are a good mom and wanted to do the best for the one who needed you most. I went through this with three children and with each younger sibling the older one felt abandoned. Well, 40 years later they all get along, we all love each other and as they mature they understand that younger ones need more care. When my daughter, the oldest, started having children then she herself had to go through what we have experienced. You have to give more attention to the ones that need it most. Love them both equally and as time goes on you will see that he will heal and you did the right thing. Its also good for young children to realize they are not the center of the universe and should not expect unrealistic preferential treatment. They are all part of a family unit that involves give and take. He can become his little sister's hero and protector and see the value of being looked up to. He has an important role..,he is the big brother. I hate that you feel you did something wrong. We learn as we go and your son and daughter will both be fine.
@cierraallen9288 19 сағат бұрын
@@donnasimmons2241 I thought my aunt had found my comment at first her name is Donna maiden name Simmons. I think that what you said is how it usually works, but it has been 7 years and we started counseling with him when she was less than a year old yet he still tells her she stole his Mom. It breaks my heart because she is so selfless and thinks of him all the time she asks about him when he is not home. He could care less where she is and I don't think he would protect her from anything. When he is in trouble even for being mean to her she will defend him, but he would never do the same. He was born on my sister's birthday and she is the same ate up with jealousy 🤷
@GodHelpMe369 15 күн бұрын
grief and rage rape me my soul is tortured and tormented and haunted and raped I'm lonely as all hell I've been raped all my life MY VOICE HAS BEEN SILENCED MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE. MY BEAUTIFUL SACRED MIRACULOUS VOICE. MY VOICE IS MY MAGICAL GIFT OF TRANSMUTATION! that being said, all my life... I have given people access to me in ways that I should not have EVER granted them access now, I want to scream at the top of my lungs: FUCK OFF!! YOU DO NOT GET TO HAVE ACCESS TO ME IN THAT WAY!! THE DOOR IS NOT OPEN!! YOU MAY NOT COME IN!! ACCESS DENIED!! I've been programmed my whole life to be silent, conditioned to have no boundaries...
@annaburns2865 6 күн бұрын
It’s the opposite of love. That’s why.
@ChildFirst 5 күн бұрын
0:19
@Clippers2024 18 күн бұрын
😢😢
@sll110 16 күн бұрын
I dont want to listen to this, This World full of demons, not new, the only difference is that I have too good Heart, evils anywhere
@kellybuch8526 15 күн бұрын
Like a slap across the face
@SeanRhoadesChristopher 18 күн бұрын
It seems that Jōb and Jesus healed from what appeared a betrayal trauma. We as Christians are taught that the world will be our enemies, but if this be the case, we are to count it as joy, as seen in the beatitudes.
@naradaian 16 күн бұрын
You are far to far away from your microphone ….if you listen on loudspeaker, not headphones or the built in speakers of your equipment you will hear, boom, echo and way too much resonance…- i only say this because I know you care….no more monitoring your vids on built in speakers or headphones Xxx
@created4passion442 5 күн бұрын
When you wake up from a cult
@user-tb4db8vj7p 16 күн бұрын
Bullies
@Myopiniononly 18 күн бұрын
Get self esteem get over it and move on
@jl3268 18 күн бұрын
Right 😂
@tenaciousminion8753 18 күн бұрын
I wish it were that simple
@tenaciousminion8753 18 күн бұрын
I wish it were that simple
@Sleeprocket1 17 күн бұрын
Sure. How ?
@markcooperartcom 4 күн бұрын
It was spot on til the end. I don't blame myself or anyone in particular. I blame this society.
@caroleminke6116 14 күн бұрын
Especially early childhood sexual abuse by a parent or other forms of enmeshment with mother that don’t allow the child to grow up to become a healthy as well as separate adult ❤️🩹
@sarahjmount9221 18 күн бұрын
Thank you, again, Tim. All very powerful and true. Also, extremely helpful for recovery. ❤️🩹
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