Nothing works on a narcissist because they aren’t interested in mutual respect or consideration. The only thing that works is going no contact which is in fact a boundary.

I've been called disrespectful by the most disrespectful people

Yeah, I got trapped in a house with someone else's narcissist for a couple of years. He hated me so much, because I've turned boundary enforcement into an art form. Because I always mean what I say. "You need to watch how you speak to me or you'll be doing this without me." And I have zero trouble stopping mid project and doing something else. I think not being ego-driven makes it much easier. Do I look silly? Could someone misunderstand my motivation here? Possibly, but I don't care.

Boundaries are about self preservation. Often that equates to standing up and leaving.

At work someone randomly said, “boundaries are invisible to people who refuse to see them.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard truer words spoken.

If you don't set boundaries with a narcissist, they'll set plenty of them for you - on their terms.

I've stopped caring about being "the bad guy". I will set the boundaries I need to be healthy, and it's not my job to teach grown adults how to cope with disappointment and frustration - I'm not your unpaid therapist. I'm responsible for my health, happiness, and feelings, not anyone else's.

Absolutely true. First time I set a boundary and followed through with it, my narcissist mother didn’t speak to me for 22 years. Worth every minute!

Too many people are more concerned with how we are going to make a narcissist feel than we are about setting boundaries and keeping them.

Sometimes boundaries with a narcissist look like 40,000 in legal fees and a court order mandating that all communication be through a monitored parenting app and strict schedule that limits contact. Even though it came at a high price, the lightness I feel no longer getting long unwanted texts from him full of gaslighting, coercion, and manipulation makes it well worth it. It’s freedom.

One evening, my ex told me to F off, so I politely and respectfully said - Thank you and Good night - i walked through the door and I've never looked back 🙏✨️❤️

They always want us to be people pleasers to them, we can’t have our own personal boundaries without them accusing us of “pushing people away”.

I tried to set that exact boundary. Call me names, I need a break/walk, and I'll be back. He ended up not letting me leave the doorway. I managed to escape once and he chased me down the street calling me crazy.

I grew up in a family of narcissists. They made my life hell. It started out this way where i would set boundaries and they would keep breaking them and i slowly fought myself some distance but they wouldn't give me the space i needed. Eventually i had to tell them off in a bigger way and remove them from 99 percent of my life. I only contact them if it is something important. Kind of a sad situation to have almost no contact with most of your family but I've never been better and I hope they are doing better too. I had to break the cycle for the sake of my own mental health and for the sake of my wife and kids too.

Regarding setting a boundary with someone who exhibits narcissistic tendencies, here's what has worked for me: I set a boundary for myself that I don't allow them to cross. For example, after consistent pestering through multiple phone calls an hour (which I had to accept during work hours), I would put that person on Do Not Disturb once it hit 6pm. Yes, they consistently continued to call, but I refused to let it make me panic and feel guilty about answering. The next day, if they brought it up, I'd say "sorry, I don't answer my phone outside of work hours." It didn't matter that they didn't realise it was exclusively their calls, but it saved a lot of grief and narcissistic backlash. My therapist had also suggested getting a new number under the guise of a work phone to everyone else, but as my only number to the narcissist. That way, I could disconnect entirely when needed. Stay safe, everyone!

You have an incredible amount of power in this: whatever behavior you *accept,* is what people will give you!!! If they push back on your need for space, create more space-- Break up, move out, call police/CPS etc. DON'T let them force you to interact when they are being abusive. Look out for your safety. You're stronger than you know.

omg, this explains boundaries so well and just made everything click for me. it makes so much sense now, thank you

Thank you so much, I always tell my boyfriend “don’t do this, don’t say that, I don’t like that stop” and now I know to change it to “IF” Thank you

I was friends with this one girl for almost 10 years now. Recently went no contact with her because of her not respecting my boundaries ever. I think some fault was mine too, whenever she would call me names, whenever she would say something mean or hurtful, I would just laugh it off. Last month however, I couldn't ignore her constantly being mean to me and I ended up blocking her. I was sad because no matter how she treated me, I had developed a strong attachment to her but I'm definitely doing better now knowing there's no person in my life calling me ugly, stupid, always making me feel bad for standing up for myself.

Let's not forget to set reasonable boundaries

Also, remember the power dynamic. A boundary is pointless if you can't enforce a consequence. The whole reason a boundary is perceived as a means of communication is that it allows the other person (party) the ability to not trigger you. As such, that's one less complication, issue, or item of resentment that can be avoided. So that you both can focus on what's really important in the relationship. As was said, a boundary isn't a tool to control, condition, or punish your partner. It's just a limitation you've set for yourself so that you feel more safe and secure in the relationship. Plus, by your partner respecting it, it also allows you two to continue building trust.

It's because the minute we reflect on our behavior we RECOGNISE theirs and that's what frightens them

This is such vital information! No one taught me what it actually meant! I didn't even know about boundaries... I just didn't set out to hurt anyone and was always stunned that they deliberately did things to hurt me. I just felt that it was something about me that somehow warranted their horrible actions towards me. Even at primary school I was so quiet and would just watch the other kids running around shouting and confident. Then I would suddenly get a punch in my back from a passing bully. When I was walking home from school a different bully would beat me up. When i was a teenager I was more confident somehow but in relationships I've been really frightened by horrendous actions and threats. Boundaries...a subject that should be taught to even little kids.

It’s not that easy. If you’re stuck with them they will make you pay in many different ways and make your life miserable

Now I understand why telling my mom what my boundaries are was completely useless. Fortunately, I did sometimes leave. (Then there was the time she followed me into the bathroom & I had to shove her out the door & lock it; then she talked at me through the door. I've come to understand that she has Borderline Personality Disorder.) I love your videos. They make sense for friendships, family, every type of personal relationship.

I hope I meet a man like you: handsome, emotionally available, funny, and kind.

"but we're punishing them" ... my eyes widened and jaw dropped. I have heard that before. "So I'm being punished?!" Dude that .. that was scary I'm IN that relationship o.o

These types of people are exhausting to deal with. My co-worker is one of these things. After dealing with his insane behaviours for a long time I decided to not engage with him unless absolutely necessary. This boy lost his mind😂 it’s like I was doing something to him. All I was doing was not talking to him or getting in his space. He’s taken to tampering with my food and water. He move my bottle of water and hid it and watched me looking for it. Sicko

This is so clear and helpful. Thank you Jimmy!! 🏆💯💛

This is sooooo true. Narcissistic think they are always right no matter if there is prove of what they have done wrong. It’s a fighting battle always for you to get them to listen…

Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me, i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her.

I’m starting my practicum as a mental health counselor who will work with individuals, couples, and families. Your content is so helpful for me to prepare how to explain and educate about healthy boundaries and common clinical concerns!

I did! I set a boundary for one! I ended it with the user.. I blocked him on everything, deleted everything to do with him.

This. A thousand times, this.

Exactly. That's where a narcissist wants you. Taking their sh*t and not complaining about it. If you complain/defend yourself: "how dare you!?", "why are you so dramatic/rude!?". It will always be something wrong about you.

This is the conversation you have with yourself before actually dealing with a narcissist but the reality is the narcissist makes it pretty difficult. Best thing to do is stay away from them all together.

Preach... I find that frequently, people fail to understand that they only have control over themselves and their own choices. I appreciate that you discussed the differences between boundaries, requests and demands... Hopefully that will shed light on the differences for some people 😁

They never think about how much it hurts you to even set the boundaries more than once.

The “punishing them” response. It’s so hard to carry care, love, and respect for someone who is so hurt they take words that even spoken with care, as a weapon, punishment, a put down. They are actually verbalizing what they are feeling themselves while projecting those thoughts and feelings onto the other person. It’s so hard to stay calm but the important thing is to realize they have been hurt. It doesn’t mean they get to treat you without respect and if they don’t want to, or are too fearful of looking at the pain they carry that makes them this way, then all you can do is to set a boundary. It’s an act of teaching them how to respect themselves as much as it is about yours. We all need to care for each other and give time and some thought into how we react ourselves and what does it mean to be a partner who can stand in their own strength in order to see the individual as they are, but NOT to accept behavior when they have no intention of taking responsibility for their actions.

Mindblowing example of what is a boundary

I have been looking so much for people with this mentality because it's exactly like mine, but it's as if 90% of the people out there are narcissists. I have been cutting narcissists off my life so much that I am down to like 4 people that seem to be chill (but I would cut them off too without a second thought if they turn out to be toxic). I had dozens of friends and family that I used to allow abuse of when I was a soft teenager (I am now 25). I am constantly told by everyone that I exaggerate when I completely (or as much as possible) cut contact with them, despite how horrible these people can be towards me, others or themselves, or they cause trouble and then complain to me about the consequences of their own actions and repeat the same mistakes over and over, despite me telling them that there is a healthier way of dealing with relationships or life in general. But they never listen, It has made me feel so lonely and I would love to meet friends and a partner who shares these views has the mental strength to set boundaries and follow through with them. It made me so happy that I found this channel, and if there's anyone like me reading this, I would like to be friends!

My ex husband husband was a narcissist. He will not talk to me and ghost me (though we were living in the same house) for MONTHS, when I walk out of conversation or take time out for 5 mins while he is fighting (basically blaming me for everything). It will drive me crazy. He even didn't talk to me for 3 month for a small fight. Trust me it's not that easy to be in control every single day for months.

Yeah I told my emotional abuser of a narcissist “How could u hug me and then treat me like that right after, don’t hug me anymore if ur going to treat me like that”. After the second time this happened, referring to the second time I said that after having started to notice this said hug/disrespect pattern, I haven’t hugged him since. It felt uncomfortable hugging him, like me telling myself “girl, what are u doing?” When I hug him, or let him hug me, I feel like as if I am betraying myself knowing that twice after he has hugged me, it’s like he lowers his behavioral restrictions somehow and decides it’s ok to go off on me now with insults and curse words, and not try to understand, but just hurt and smile while he is doing it, like a conversation btwn us can quickly be turned into (by him) a screaming match where he needs to find stuff to hurt me with, because I am apparently trying to attack him or being a bitch. Yeahhhh his words. Funny how he thinks like a cliche of a man when a speaking of a strong woman, simply speaking her mind, just saying what I need, or saying a neutral or necessary statement that he turned out not to like. Simply because he doesn’t like it, I am then, considered a bitch to him. So me, simply being me, he thinks I am being a bitch, so why would he want to hug me then?, why would I want to hug someone who thinks I am a bitch? and on top of that, he is a bitch to me with all of the other things he has said and done and threatened to do now. No. No. No. When it has led to threats coming out of his mouth now, and him looking very happy saying them, it’s like he has no care of the fallout of his actions, yet he wants to be cool and hang out with me. Whaaaat! That’s a toxic I do not want to be a part of. And it just doesn’t make sense. He’s lying to himself and I am lying to myself if I think we have a chance of working out in being close or having conversations often, like hanging out. We don’t. I can’t freely be myself. And if I let him think we are cool, then he will let his little guard down that helps him behave, and he will then be mean 1st (which he most likely is), instead of trying to behave 1st so he will try his best to show me that ‘seeeee I can be a civil and nice person, that isn’t mean’. Yeahhhh so I guess all in all, in conclusion!, 😂 I guess I got fed up, and in my gut, I kind of fell into this boundary and continual establishment of the boundary. It just felt right, because the hug felt so wrong. Blessing to u all, stay strong willed, true to urself, and kind! And best of luck to u all! 🙏🏼💗

For me personally, my boundary is no contact. I will not tiptoe around these people anymore and even have a conversation about what I tolerate or not. My life is too short for that.

That reminds me when I set a boundary with an ex by letting go of their arm and walking ahead. They felt SO ofended that I let go and walked on my own for about 2 meters until we got to our destination. And they made me feel like I was the one on the wrong. I wish I had your videos back then. That relationship would have lasted way less than it did.

The golden rule abour boundaries is that healthy boundaries are inclusive. They provide a set of rules how both individuals can come closer to each other.

Thank you for making this so clear, and explaining what it looks like for me to have healthy boundaries. I pretty much grew up with little or no boundaries, and have always found it so confusing what it means and looks like to have boundaries.

Man I walked away from a project that we were doing because every time I said something he ignored me completely and continued to do the project (wrong btw) without my help. I expected communication and to try to get on the same page. I asked him one last question, I expressed one last time that I was feeling ignored and dismissed. When he didn't respond AGAIN but still wanted me there to, I don't know, talk crap to me. I walked away and went to the restroom. Like he does. And I went in for 20 minutes I suppose. And the second I get out, I'm being antagonized about walking away. It didn't matter that he was dismissive. It only mattered when I had a reaction. So what? Act like a robot with a narc?

I'm breaking myself down to build something better in its place. I had issues that broke down my relationship with my fiance. I'm trying so hard to be a better individual. It's not an easy process. I have so much to learn still as I continue learning though I become more understanding as to what I did wrong.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh... OHHHHHHHHHHHH You just gave me the information that I wanted from the 5 school counselors I talked to. Instead of just “you can’t control other people”/“the only thing you can control is yourself” you told me what I can do instead when someone does something I ask them not to or does something that affects me, thank you so much, genuinely

Sometimes, keeping yourself Alive is the priority. If you arent in a place where you can leave or enforce boundaries, that's okay. It's a huge emotional toll, as well as possibly physically endangering. You are not bad for "letting it happen". You are not bad for not setting the boundary. You deserve *so* much kindness and compassion. It's okay to give yourself that. You are amazing and lovable and beautiful and deserve so many good things. It's okay if you dont believe that right now. It's like gravity, true no matter what. You got this. Be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe. From one survivor to another, Im proud of you 🧡🫂🧡

Took me a while to realize this. It boundaries are for me. I don’t mistreat people and I don’t allow others to do the same to me. However I enforce these boundaries that if I think I’m speaking to someone who is going to harm me I remove myself from that effer. Don’t stick around for them to cross your boundaries they will. Boundaries are meant to be crossed. And meant to be upheld with the person who sets them. They’re for you. Not others.

After being trampled and devalued to the point it seemed my life didn't exist because of the grandiosity and pervasiveness and overtalking of his- learned grey rock and he stopped talking to me- thankfully- and found himself a monkey branch who would listen- and left. Now No contact divorced and healing. Remembering my own life and accomplishments and validating them that I did live a good life of just as much importance as anyone else's. What a soul-sucking experience to "have a relationship " with a narcissist. By golly I survived!

This is great Jimmy. Narcissist's don't understand boundaries! 😊💖😇🙏.

You cannot change or control another person’s behavior, but you can change the way in which you choose to react to it.

Oh, yeah, so true!!! We are "punishing" them because they willingly do something hurtful to us (because we already said that it's not okay)

Will try this thanks! They drive you mad thinking you're the provlem for flagging up their disrespect. It's funny how when you notice and predict how they'll react, you realise you'll never get them to understand or even apologise. A normal functioning person is actually bothered if they find out they've disrespected someone, and doesn't want the other person to feel that way....

Walking away as opposed to reacting is dissing a narcissist- and my experience has been it will comeback to haunt you in ways you never would have expected. I think if you’re unable to sever ties- kissing up maybe the only way too maintain a degree of sanity with w/NPD family members. They can make your life a living hell!

Never ever, they are only interested in controlling you then will blame you for why your not submitting to their BS

Precisely. You don't get to violate my space, feelings and peace of mind for the sake of yours.

Lord if you're not going to pay my bills for me then please show me how I'm permitted to do it myself. That will end the need to consider the subjects of boundaries and narcissists. I want to be heard too. 😢

Great point! People mistaken consequences for causes a lot.

I keep hearing this. They will hurt and be hurtful but I’m still considering their feelings.

Which is why I stopped caring about being "rude" or "disrespectful" years ago. Respect has to be earned anyway

But then they follow you and continue yelling 🙄

I was looking for something like this that would make it clear. However, you need power in a relationship to make setting and enforcement of boundaries to work. If you're dependent on them in some way, for housing, financially, etc., boundaries aren't going to work.

This reminds me of a saying: You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Choosing how to react instead of asking others to change works not only works with narcissists but with everyone, people tend to see their own interests as more important and just ignore the request for rules of communication - don’t let them walk all over you.

Toxic people blow you off to avoid responsibility & accountability as a boundary to punish & hurt you

There are very few people that are actual narcissists.

If he says I don't like Jimmy on relationships and that he caters to women is that a red flag?

This should be taught at an early age in the school system and made to be a mandatory class. Would save so much grief for everyone and hopefully decrease the stats of these users/losers. Precursors: environment, demeanor, genetics; it's tough out there. All we can do is protect and educate ourselves and have the courage and self worth to believe we are worth respect and peace. Thanks a lot for your channel! I learn everyday from you!

Exactly! They don't care how u feel

THANK YOU, people do not understand boundaries at all

These people are dangerous.

Thank you for making a video on this and laying it out so clearly. Sent it to some family and friends that need to hear this.

So great to see the comments getting it! Boundaries are like international borders, and crossing them with prejudice has consequences

They don’t let up on you and get others involved until you cave or go nuts!

"Isn't funny how we're concerned about how our words will impact them [...]" That part ..🔥

Walking away instead of reacting is exactly what you need to do

"Ve been there, done it, changed after my own teen (🙈) children told me "mom don't be such pushover"..changed..ty Jimmy❤

Everytime i set a boundary, i'm accused of manipulation by emotional blackmail

With a narcissist everything is impossible even trying to run away from them after 3 years of breaking up ! They are even in you nightmares!!!

Exactly! We give and give. You're last points made are absolutely vital. My best friend as a teenager, pointed that out to me. She was very outspoken with hurtful people. She said that, if they had the nerve to speak to her like they did, she had the nerve to speak to them the way she did. Yes, great point!

"They don't have to agree with your boundaries" Awesome video, thank you!

Oh wow, that last part was a great point! Ive been struggling with "justifying" boundaries because i never want to feel like its a punishment

This is the most concise and to the point explanation of boundaries ever- perfect!!!! Thank you ❤❤❤

Video of the year award. 🙏. So simple but difficult to do I understand. Keep posting 🙍

Lol its amazing how having someone else's perspective on something you think you already understand can completely change. Great video man!!

I don't tell ppl, especially a narcissist, what my boundaries are. They are for me. I had a narcissistic mother. Telling her that if she criticized me, Id leave was like waving a red flag infront of a bull. It just insighted her to attack. When she insulted or criticised me, I'd look at my watch and say, wow, Ive gotta go. I'm going to be late for "fill in the blank." Narcissists dont communicate. So when im in a situation where Im uncomfortable or unsafe, I use my escape plan thats been carefully thought out before the interaction even occurs.

Thank you. I’m only 80 but learned after 30 years of marriage. Keep telling the world. You will reach those in need. God bless you.

I was definitely confused. Much appreciated.

This information about a boundary has been SO helpful to me!! Thank you!!

This was so well said.

Excellent summary of boundaries! Boundaries are for ourselves not to change them. I know they put some of us through absolute hell. We can look within for our own answers.

Yes!! Control over your own response. Don't worry about hurt feelings. When have they been concerned about your feelings.

Even if you walk away they will follow. You can't get away from a narcissist you live with. Even if you lock yourself in a room.

We all know boundaries don't work on Narcs. We can use them to somewhat protect our emotional response but the question is: If you must go to such lengths to have a "relationship" with someone, is that the kind of relationship you want?

This is one of the best shorts on boundaries and narcissism!

Limiting access is huge when dealing with a narcissist

I was told, “You’ll regret that. I’ll leave!” …..still waiting… 😂