I’ve never heard the terms “warm” and “cold” empathy! That totally makes sense to me. I have BPD, and I have a friend with NPD and a friend with ASPD. I honestly appreciate their cold empathy because when I’m freaking out they’re good at understanding what I feel and why but calmly assure me that things are going to be okay. Sometimes when people have a lot of warm empathy and get upset too it makes me feel like I need to take care of them, but I’m still freaking out, so it makes the stress worse. Thanks for the video! Love your channel! 💕
@onthelinecommunity Жыл бұрын
Of course, thank you for the support 💕
@Bobby_10111 ай бұрын
I often hear people making this mistake that BPD don't have their own "Self" as in they don't know what they like and so on. That is very wrong. We know exactly all the things we like and prefer, we just FEEL like we don't. It's a bit complex to explain so I guess most people don't pick up the difference. For example I like playing basketball, and it's a very "me" thing, I didn't pick it up from anyone.. but I don't FEEL as if I am someone who likes basketball, and I need to tell to someone else that is what I like, us once someone else is aware of me being this way NOW I feel like it's real. Aka we do have a very clear self, likes, dislikes, we just don't Feel it emotionally, because the Outside affects our feelings and Feeling of identity, but not the identity it self. So what ever we do, we need to communicate it to someone, as if magically speaking it into reality, once they know of it, it feels real. -I like cars, I don't feel like I like cars tho.. ok let me tell my fav person that I like cars, boom now I suddenly feel like I like cars, cus it came from someone else's mouth. So it has nothing to do with our actual logical opinions, likes and dislikes, all those are very real, it's just that the emotional undertone is not there, and we need others to create that. Aka we DO have a self, but not a sense of self. (Just as, when we meet with one person we act like them, with another person we act like the other person, and if those people were present at the same time, we would be confused, cus we need to be in more personas. Clearly showing that we don't Actually become like someone else and truly make them part of our peronality, we just pretend for the time being, and stop doing "their things" once we are not with them, and go back to doing things our own way. We do have a self, just change it for others cus we don't have a Sense of self.)
@kuroyamaevisekai Жыл бұрын
It's kinda refreshing to see someone who doesn't instantly frame npd havers as shitty people who should be abandoned to die alone or a bpd haver who doesn't immideatly go "omg i was abused by this narcissist, they're so evil :((" and a bpd haver who actually has a better understanding of the criteria as someone who suspects they might have both. While I'm not the most satisfied with the dsm-5 criteria because it's mostly based on a stereotype of npd or specifically the "overt" grandiose type when it exists on a spectrum like you said (I'm kinda glad someone finally recognized that tbh) though I'd like to add somethings because of that; npd sense of self, again despite what the criteria says bc it's mostly based on one type, is actually quite unstable or purely non-existant because despite what it might seem like on the outside like "I'm the best", npd self esteem is actually very low and fragile, the whole disorder is kind of like a mask to hide how worthless we actually feel or to act like the best, to perfect to feel any kind of confidence because it, like any other personality disorder, comes from trauma and constant invalidation and therefore the sense of self also purely relies on how we're percieved, if we're overachieving or constantly admired just to feel a tiny bit of elavated self esteem and can actually be really reliant on people like bpd too, to "feed that" or reminds us that we're important or else we just feel worthless (though this might not be the case for everyone). I wish something people talked more about with npd is that, we don't actually have high self esteem, it's actually very low and we're trying to hide that, even from ourselves and cling onto this ideal version of ourselves but it's actually quite unstable because we know we're not actually that deep down. And I feel like, while it's a symptom in bpd and not in npd, fear of abandonment is common in any personality disorder, just presented differently. People with npd might have a severe fear of abandonment too, especially if their main source "narcissistic supply" is people and i feel like the dependence on people because of the need to be reminded that we're important and fear of abandonment can actually go hand-in-hand, especially if you have both bpd and npd, like "if I'm the best, if I can prove I am the best, people won't abandon me, right? Why would they? I already give them everything they want and they can't find better than me so why would they wanna leave me? I'm so great and they will think that too, I won't be left alone again" and when abandoned, it can trigger both like the bpd fear of abandonment and npd fear of abandonment as well as the blow to the ego that you weren't "the best", you weren't good enough after all and cause a crash (also trigger our unstable sense of self bc while we believed we were great, we weren't good enough after all so what now?) so it can actually be a lot more like fear of abandonment rather than abandoning or even abandoning yourself can be more similar to the bpd abandoning of "if I leave first, I can't be abandoned" "if I leave first, I can't feel like I wasn't good enough after all" rather than "you're no longer useful to me" though that can happen too. Npd, despite what the stereotypes may say, can be more like intense effort to avoid feeling worthless by trying to prove we're the best instead of geniunely believing we're better than everyone, it's a disorder filled with lost of shame too.
@BohemianKitsch Жыл бұрын
the abandonment thing isn't so straightforward. lots of people with BPD become so certain that their partner was going to leave them that they try to protect themselves by leaving first.
@1968leg Жыл бұрын
That's right. That's called avoidance abandonment. Everyone with BPD is different. The more I watch videos on BPD the more I realise how different quiet BPD is from the norm. I can't see any link to NPD from a personal perspective
@Dd9494911 ай бұрын
Through the lens of attachment, NPD's trigger/fear is vulnerability, and BPD's trigger/fear is autonomy. Npd is so deeply afraid of failure because they were raised in a family culture that promoted success and neglected feelings. Bpd is so afraid of autonomy because they were raised in a family culture that promoted self sacrifice and neglected exploration. For people to be secure their parents need to allow them the freedom to explore paired with the comfort that mistakes are ok and can be understood. Generally, you had either one parent whos "ego you were supporting" or a parent whos "emotions you were supporting". Its the compulsive performer vs the compulsive caretaker. The inflated self vs the absent self. All of these memories are stored in your limbic brain and amygdala and so are automatic. They are things your body simply knows through repetition, like riding a bike. They are reflexes.
@kaylaflynn5433 Жыл бұрын
I am so happy that I found your channel. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and I am really struggling with accepting it as well as the changes that come with it (lightening my workload, not pursuing further career/school paths at the moment, trying to stop impulsive behaviours), I feel like I am behind in life because of this. I am also really struggling with black and white thinking any time I make a 'mistake' in recovery and then feeling like I am back at square one. I am feeling chronic emptiness and like theres no point of living if we all just die anyway. I am trying to be positive, seeing others progress on their journeys gives me hope. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Thank you SO much
@bradywebb3430 Жыл бұрын
Im similar to you. I keep educating myself online, its been a big help. Big breakthrough for me was becoming aware of some of my core beliefs about myself and experiencing that I can change my emotions Alot of that negativity has gone so Im consistently feeling better. I focus now on realistic goals for my life being to trend up over time
@kaylaflynn5433 Жыл бұрын
@@bradywebb3430 I agree :) Recently my therapist has advised that working a lower stress job and then exploring and pursuing my passions and hobbies outside of work is going to help me to be healthier and happier overall. I am trying to discover my 'true' passions as this can be difficult with BPD and when I find something I am interested I often feel the impulse to make it my career, although the environment may not be the best for me to thrive in. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, this community is so great and makes me feel less alone
@galacticknight55544 Жыл бұрын
I'm a 25 year old male, and I suspect that I might BPD, NPD, or CPTSD (or some combination of these). To describe my symptoms as quickly as possible, I have a fear of rejection, I get angry easily, I can hold grudges for years over really petty stuff, and I can get jealous really easily. I also have a really hard time talking about my feelings. When they do reveal themselves, they often come out as anger. I have an easier time expressing anger than I do fear or sadness. It makes me feel less vulnerable and more in control, and it also gives me a sense of superiority (that I'm right and whoever I'm upset with is wrong). Ironically, I also desperately want someone I can be vulnerable with. I just have a really hard time doing that because of my fear of rejection.
@friedrichnietzsche7736 Жыл бұрын
Have you considered Paranoid Personality Disorder?
@sandieem15 ай бұрын
Great video, could you make a video on the other 2 disorders in this cluster? 🌸
@homebrandrules Жыл бұрын
thankyou for clarifying that there can be OVERLAP with npd and bpd. could you kindly share the knowledge/source behind this, i have long wondered about this. THANKYOU
@charlesbromberick4247 Жыл бұрын
nicely organized
@andrewmalcolm79 Жыл бұрын
Thanks Kayla!
@dougable Жыл бұрын
Can you do a video about how you think a healthy relationship can be forged when one or both partners have borderline or narcissistic personality disorder? Like, if one person is a narcissist and the other person is not, can that relationship work? If so how? Or if one person is borderline and the other isn't, how do they work together to have a healthy relationship? There are other therapists who focus on getting out of relationships with narcissists, for instance. But obviously there must be healthy relationships too? Like what are the steps or boundaries or trust verifications or whatever that can be talked out between partners?
@rando957411 ай бұрын
no, there are no healthy relationship with a NPD. the NPD does not get better, and if they do - it is for a very short time. Then "X situation arises" and they revert back. Still they will claim they now are better, so that means now it must be YOU who are the problem.
@homebrandrules Жыл бұрын
I,VE heard that bpd npd are either side of the coin and that bpd is actually a failed narcissist, they failed to form properly, its also prescient to remember that these conditions came about as a defense mechanism due to some sort of trauma/dysfunctionality experienced in childhood.
@EclecticallyEccentric Жыл бұрын
Interesting. While I can see the similarities between NPD and BPD, I'd personally argue that the other side of the coin to BPD is ASPD. But there's definitely crossover.
@homebrandrules Жыл бұрын
@@EclecticallyEccentric that's an interesting postulation lorelei, could you plz tell my why you think the other side of the coin to bpd might be aspd ?
@EclecticallyEccentric Жыл бұрын
@@homebrandrules Sure! First, it's important to note that there's a lot of crossover with personality disorders in the same cluster, including cluster b. But I'd say in large part BPD and ASPD are two extremes in relation to emotions. People with BPD have very intense and often painful emotions, while those with ASPD feel a decreased amount or even lack certain emotions. People with ASPD, at their best, will often still lack emotional empathy, even those with high cognitive empathy. Those with BPD often have heightened emotional empathy but low cognitive empathy. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, those with ASPD have an innate view of relationships as transactional, with some people being viewed as most important. Those with BPD have a difficult time not basing everything around those close to us. Note: I do agree that someone with BPD could be a failed narcissist.
@homebrandrules Жыл бұрын
@@EclecticallyEccentric fascinating, how/where did you learn this ?? and thanks heaps by the way for taking the time to respond so comprehensively. especially because i have been diagnosed with bpd but suspect i am strongly on the aspd spectrum also
@EclecticallyEccentric Жыл бұрын
@@homebrandrules I'm by no means a psychiatrist or behavior analyst or any sort of professional. Just someone with BPD with an interest in psychology. And a best friend diagnosed with ASPD. So some of this is what I've read or heard from professionals, some from my very limited experience, some from people with these conditions. Important to note that while ASPD is now what those previously labeled psychopaths or sociopaths fall under, not everyone with ASPD is a psychopath or sociopath or an inherently awful person. Sorry for the run-on. I shouldn't have said people with ASPD feel decreased emotions, as that's a bit misleading. They're not robots. An example from my life of the empathy thing: My best friend works in tech support, but he used to work in fast food. Had no problem firing back at rude customers at all, including those who made threats. He was irritated, frustrated, or angry, but not really afraid of them. Even though he's definitely capable of feeling fear. I would feel like snapping back but in the moment, my fear would win out. I'd need to be on the verge of an episode to snap back without thinking. I might try to ignore them or freeze up, but would be far less likely to actually confront them. I've expressed concern of him encountering someone truly unhinged and getting shot, and (back when I was working retail) he's told me I take way too much of other people's shit. He doesn't go out of his way to be rude, and someone has to say something or be an ass to him or one of his coworkers first. But that being said, he'd have no problem kicking someone out(or hanging up now) if he's given them one warning and they continue being a douche. He's also the only person I know who can be around me when I'm activated or in an episode, validate my emotions without indulging me, and not have it weigh him down. I've asked him about the emotional stress of dealing with me and his main answer is, "I don't like when you're so upset. I love you and I know you're hurting and I hate it." He's also the only person who it's almost impossible for me to bullshit in any way. If I'm upset about another friend and say, "I'm trying not to take it personally," he'll straight-up tell me, "You are taking this personally." We've discussed the empathy thing, and he has emotional empathy for animals, sometimes children, and the people he's close to. Cognitive empathy, he's able to see what's wrong with other people much more logically and express that something is terrible. But doesn't feel emotional pain himself over it often unless it's someone he knows or identifies with. I, on the other hand, can be sitting and watching a news report about some tragedy, and I hurt. But actually expressing how awful it is and why out loud is something I've had to train myself to do.
@genosmiles11947 ай бұрын
You would make a good psychologist or psychiatrists. Forgive me if you are one of these.
@amitsalaskar1024 Жыл бұрын
Doesnt matter. They hurt loved ones like it's inevitable.. fear of abandonment without communicating to the loved one is a lost cause. In universal law.. ppl who abandon and hurt ppl are sinners period.
@itsalorikatpnw Жыл бұрын
Maybe stay off this channel then dude
@amitsalaskar1024 Жыл бұрын
@@itsalorikatpnw and who are you to suggest this? Truth hurts ey?
@EclecticallyEccentric11 ай бұрын
@@amitsalaskar1024What truth? That emotionally hurting people is wrong? Wow, preach. If you think people with BPD are inherently bad, why exactly are you here? Because I highly doubt you know more about it than the creator of this channel.
@amitsalaskar102411 ай бұрын
@@EclecticallyEccentric thats totally wrong interpretation of what i meant here. BPD is not a choice and neither they are bad ppl. But having been pushed away by a BPD partner who was ur life hurts that too without a reason.
@Tailionis Жыл бұрын
I don't see how they get confused. I really dislike narcissistic people, although I think I attract them
@Otori0 Жыл бұрын
why do you come expressely here to be capacitist when this is clearly trying to be a safe space for them
@Tailionis Жыл бұрын
@Otori0 npd. This is a bpd space and I also don't care. I'm pessimistic as f now. Yall suck
@itsalorikatpnw Жыл бұрын
Same here
@Reflexwoman6 ай бұрын
@Otori0 many of us without this diagnosis are here to try and understand as many of us have been hurt by these disorders.