How to get over a break-up: Step 1: Have a wine night with your neuroscience friends

She’s an awesome speaker, I really enjoyed that.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

This talk is criminally under viewed, and Dessa criminally underrated!

So basically when we are heartbroken we are not really still in love but traumatized re-living the pain, remove all the negative feelings asociated with the other person and keep the positive ones and voilá! you move on, easier said than done of course. But maybe you won´t even need the neurocientists team for that, anyone interested in developing the brain normalizing training app?

Best TEDTalk I've ever seen. This woman is a beast. If only I had a team of neuroscientists to snuff out my guy.

What I got from this talk is the idea that loving someone could be a fixation. That it is something that we can't seem to control because our brain created a neural pathway after years and years of associating that person as something that our brain thought is a good thing because of what it makes us feel having that person in our life. Our mind and body crave for it and we can't seem to stop it from longing other than making a conscious effort and with our will power. I gather that she got over the person without doing anything other than observing her brain activity? So what she did is basically like meditation. She just observed without really making an effort to think. Meditation is basically like that. So, her continuous observation of her brain activity basically unwired that neural pattern or her love for that person from her brain then?

It's the memories that keep you in love with the person. We are sentimental creatures by nature through our memory. So unless we get Alzheimer's we will always love that person

When we are in love our brain releases feel good chemicals in response to that person. If the person breaks up with you while you are still getting those chemicals in association with them, then breaking up causes an abrupt withdrawal of those chemicals...so it is kind of like going cold turkey from a bad addiction.

she may be the coolest person I've ever seen

Falling in Love is not a choice, staying in love is...

I honestly love this Tedtalk so much. I understand the embarrassment of not being able to fall out of love- even years later. It is like a fixation. After my first and only relationship ended (5 months), I spent years agonizing over it. I mean it was a really painful break up for me and my first love, so I guess it’s understandable. But I’m better now; i can look back without bitterness and enjoy the good times for what they were. I see now that my relationship was unhealthy and am not sad that it ended. I did lose a best friend (we had been close friends) in the process but I became a friend to myself.

"Couldn't rebound from what others rebound from..." Ahhhh! Somebody gets me.

Ugh, 2 years after a breakup and still not over it. Definitely understand the embarrassment aspect she talks about. Might have to give this a try

Usually we women feel ashamed because we associate tears as weakness, specially when we cry for someone who found us unworthy of their love. It was liberating to see such a smart woman going through the same struggles. Even the smartest amd talented women go though pain in relationships. Dessa, thank you.

Strong people are admirable but scare others who haven't got the same strength. It's not that those people don't love us, it's just that they are unable to love us the way we need and want them to, and thence they leave in frustration of not meeting our expectations, and we feel they didn't care enough.

I’ve been in a seven-year toxic relationship in the past. And even after I fell out of love with him, I went back one more time just because I was lonely. (He knew, but thought he could make me feel those feelings again). Now I’m married and in a healthy relationship (with someone different). Love is a journey, that’s for sure!

You don't fall out of love. You give up.

That was entertaining, but I felt disappointed that there was no actionable advice or information in the talk.

Thank you for this. I am a neurotherapist using neurofeedback who takes this information to the stage often. Dessa (ironically also my daughter's name) did it better than I ever have. Much gratitude.

What a wonderful public speaker. Absolutely poetic!

I mean this literally. You could add up all the pain I have ever felt in my life and it would not hold a candle to the pain I experienced during my heartbreak. Worst experience I have ever luckily lived through.

What an intelligent woman. I love when the speaker is talking about a topic that has nothing to do with their profession and goes to great lengths to uncover the mystery/issue. I also feel like it gives the best outcome because it's so unbiased. Probably also one of the best speakers on the TEDx for sure!

I don't know if we can choose to fall out of love but can certainly choose to let go of some things such as; the anxiety about how someone's attention will dictate how your day goes. Doing everything to feel approved or liked by that person, etc.

She is fantastic in the way she presented the content. A non-neuroscience background and still superbly lucid and articulate, funny and crisp.

Met her in passing without really knowing who she was until after. And I will say she was a delightful person and I kind of developed a girl crush right there.

Why does Dessa have be so close to perfect? Too much grace, talent and wisdom to be packed into one beautiful person... my heart breaks for her heartbreaks.

When a romantic relationship breaks up you have a period of grieving that is about the lost possible future with that other person. I think she found the grief centre, not the love centre, of the brain.

I can say that during my journey to try to keep myself out of the hospital after complete devastation from a similar situation this talk has been one thing that has given me hope and made me feel not so alone and ashamed. Knowing that another highly intelligent woman could feel the same and then not...thank you Dessa.

The theme of our wedding was LOVE IS A CHOICE (it was written on the m&m favors with an eagle on the other side--i have an offbeat humor). We both felt strongly that we're not just inexplicably drawn to each other and just can't help it; we were dating close to 8 years before getting married. Any two people can stay together, it takes work to be happy. I choose to love him because I want to love him because he loves me for loving him for loving me.

She's such an energetic and engaging speaker. This was so fun to watch.

real life version of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I struggle with depression every day since Elysabeth ruined my life. I've struggled so hard to let go and not think about her.I only wanted love.

I'm guessing how to get over a person would be to reorganise your feelings for the relationship to integrate the positiveness of what you got out of the relationship with yourself and let go of the negative feelings for what you got out of the relationship. She just had help with neuroscientists for that.

WoW! Just 2 minutes into the video and I already can say, I loooove the way she speaks and.... everything. Didn't know her before, so I definitely will check her out and her music. 👌👌👌

this is one of the most important TED talks i have ever watched.

Im still in love with someone that i cant have..once you see them with your heart you are done

I have no idea why I watch that video. But I’m sure people struggling with moving on from their relationship can actually learn and see it from a different perspective! Great Job !

She is so smart 😍😍😍😍

Loved the energy of this woman! She is like a sky full of fireworks

All you can do is tell yourself that they werent the one for you. You have to accept that your future is bright and you will find someone else to connect with.

LOVE this. So freakin’ smart. On a side note: anyone else reminded of Kristen Stewart when she’s speaking?

Dont need a team of neuro scientist, just keep on reminding urself, out of sight, out of mind n it doesn't add value, if a person does not value u, u dont have to try more than once. Life goes on. Thank u for the memories n lessons.

Wow... That was a phenomenally-delivered session. "Enlightened" doesn't even begin to define this amazing woman. Go Dessa!

I think you should give more speeches or become a professor. You are truly captivating!

She is so freakin' awesome. Funny, smart, amazing voice, amazing songwriter, so brave to put everything out there - also I want that necklace. I wish I could like this a hundred times.

Brilliantly articulated!

She's amazing! Loved this talk

incredibly interesting, and kudos to her for delving so deeply into the science of love and feelings. Engaging all the way through - excellent TEDTalk.

Amazing talk. Really loved her confidence and humour and determination.

She is such a sweetheart. Love!

One of the best performance! Loved the info, the fluency and your passion. Hats off!

I LOVE THIS!!!! she is absolutely brilliant ❤️

Still one of the best TED Talk I ever watched...

Wow! This is exactly the scientific talk I've been looking for. So fresh, I adore it!

She's a fantastic speaker - great energy & all-round engagement power

Thank you so much for this!! Much love from here.

That was way more like a spoken word poem than a Ted Talk and I loved it

One of THE best talks!!

I soooo enjoyed listening to you speak. Your stage presence was everything!

wow that’s definitely my favorite TED talkkk

This is amazing. Brilliant.

Much love to you! Hope you feel better

Thank you so much for this video! This is so important to remember and remind ourselves every day. We must always keep in mind to keep this strength so we could all live full out.

So basically, this works by rewarding the brain when the activity in the concerned area diminishes. In other terms, the obsession on the person is visualized, and those moments where the obsession is not so strong, are rewarded. I am now thinking, looking back, that in my life, each time I fell out of love with, say, a crush, it was always a painful process, because it always happened when reality hit me and I discovered that the person was not as ideal as in my fantasy. So, generally speaking, each perceived future interaction with the crush is anticipated, and when it happens as expected (e.g. they smiled back!), the reward loop (for being in love/in crush) is activated, but if it doesn't (e.g. I looked at them but they didn't see me), I am disappointed, and there is no reward. If my crush wasn't interested, eventually, more and more interactions would be unsatisfactory (and even painful), and over time, I believe the "reward loop" keeping me hooked would fade (note though, that the brain gets hooked in situations with uncertain result, which is an added difficulty to dodge). So, in the light of this talk, I am thinking that a good way to fall out of love, could be to consciously decide to stop any positive reinforcement of the reward; this means, not speaking to an ex in friendly or affectionate terms for example but keeping some emotional distance instead, and more importantly, taking the conscious decision to stop fantasizing on your crush. Or also, consciously forcing yourself, to not underline their qualities to yourself or others ("omg those eyes, they're so beautiful" or whatever quality they have), which also means no gossiping and making hypotheses; and also, to bring them down the pedestal you have put them on at some point in your mind. Basically, trying by all means to stop feeding the obsession. I suppose this is why many people in the comments rightly talk about meditation and mindfulness - perhaps because that's a practice that can bring one back to the present and to a more objective reality, and this, too, breaks the loop. Do other people agree with me, does this make sense, does this seem a good take on the video for people who don't have a routine access to an MRI and neuroscientists? I'll certainly try myself in future!

This is without a doubt one of the smartest, sexiest, interesting videos I have ever seen.

I just fell in love with Dessa during this talk.

Loved her spirit!!

This is hands down fantastic. How much more of a sane, gracious and wise society would we have if more of us tested and put into practice what we hear, saying: does it really work? I'll try to change myself first... and -whether or not it's my fault, I'm the only one who can do something about it.

She is so harismatic, incredible speaker with a great future.

wonderful talk 💜 thank you so very much for sharing your story!!

I loved this!!! She is amazing 😍

wonderful...! what an insight...really amazed.

I liked this piece, her spirit and character are refreshing. Cool of her ti share her experience-cant say i know too many people willing to explore that

I love love love how she talks..

Very very clearly explained talk. Humorous. and somehow inspiring. Loved it.

Incredible video, loving it very much

Gotta LUV when a speaker is intelligent enough to provide assimilations vivid enough to help us normal intellectually deficient people understand the complex subject matter. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

she's so cool!!! one of the first tedx talks that doesnt have any cringy moments

I stumble across this, not even sure how now! she had my undivided attention, very good!!

ground breaking so THIS WAY one can hav much better chance of breaking out of negative addiction or attachment OMG so smart and clever!!!!!!

Great Talk! Super interesting. Good use of humor while discussing science and heartbreak.

Most charismatic TEDx talk I've heard in a while

As if I couldn't love this woman any more. She's awesome!! I am not worthy!

What a great speaker, and a captivating presentation, well done!

Fantastic topic, spoke with clarity, expression and passion ❤

loved this talk, it was fun, informing and even mind opening

Wow she's everything!

That was so helpful and she was very adorable. Thank you so much

Love her and her music ❤️

The best TED talk ever !

I'm not concerned about falling out of love, but I do like dessa. Awesome music !

I am privileged to have performed alongside Dessa during TedX Wanchai. She is a powerful speaker and performer. We had a photo together which is a bonus.

dessa is amaaazing

this title is an actual mood

Thanks ....this i learned a lot and .....she is an awesome speaker and interpreter of her thoughts....

Really enjoyed this!

That's sheer awesomeness .. with a romantic ache

loved it !!

her way of speaking is really engaging ! what an awesome speaker, she seems like a really cool person too :)