Thank you SO MUCH for the first myth busted, I devoted far too much of my life to a narcissistic aging parent and especially during the years my kids were younger. I can never get that time back, and my mom didn't appreciate it, she saw me as an employee more than anything

My parents constantly said they never wanted their kids to care for them. They’ll never be a burden. I knew my parents had a boat load of money. Inherited and savings. And then the hammer fell. They both became ill. Suddenly, it was constantly held over our heads that our inheritance was dependent upon how we took care of them in their old age. I worked full time. But I had to put my job in jeopardy when they went into hospital numerous times. They wouldn’t hire anyone to shop, clean or take them to many appts. I was exhausted for years doing most care. I knew they had more than enough money to pay for extra help but they just kept playing the well you are our kids and you’ll get money when we die so you should just do everything we ask. I kept telling them, I’m exhausted too. Just get help. PLEASE. They both had to go to nursing home. I was so relieved. Still got a little money but it wasn’t worth the stress of having my own job downgraded as I was no longer a reliable employee. I never told my parents. Your boss doesn’t care that you have to leave work a couple times a week. I so wish parents wouldn’t do that. I never had kids myself. My mom never understood. She just wanted what she wanted. Oh and they abandoned their pets and left a horribly messy house for us kids to clean up. That is cruelty. They’ve been gone over 10 years but those last 7 years of hell haunt me still.

I’m 25 and I’m taking steps to make sure I can take care of myself because I won’t end in a nursing home

You can plan your own eldercare. There's no excuse to let it fall on your kids and ruin their lives if they choose to pick your entire life up as their adult dependent. I have no idea why society thinks it's okay for parents to suddenly become completely irresponsible with themselves. If you don't plan your care, you get the care you get, not what you want.

People who had unsatisfactory relationships with their parents, found them narcissitic, abusive, unhelpful, unsupportive -why should they be compelled to be a caregiver ?

Ten years for me taking care of parent. They never planned. Just expected that I would do it. I lost my freedom, income, and social life. Emotional roller coaster!

I’ve wrecked my back trying to lift my Mum off a commode. I am exhausted and depressed by the relentless demands made of me. As an only child with no kids of my own, I ask myself who is going to take care of me. I am already 70 plus and it all seems so pointless and scary.

It’s also more than just our parents. I have a downstairs neighbor who is just 6 years my senior and “decided” I should take care of her, even before she became ill. You cannot, as a neighbor lateral yo me, decide I’m in for a life change, merely because you moved in. I hold agency over that. Had I begun taking care of things for her, she’d have also understood a change in power dynamic. That I would want to visit with her doctor, see medical records, and start making decisions over how much TV, eating and exercise was going on, because she seems like the type to not mitigate her circumstances and, instead, further burden someone else, who actually works for a living, instead of retiring early. I’ve gathered that a couple of my neighbors feel that, because an older single, black woman with no children lives in the building, that I should be running a free hospital. SURPRISE🎉!

My 97 year old aunt demands that I leave my home, job and social life and move 200 miles to move in with her because she is bored. She is in an independent living facility and is just fine. Her passive aggressive response is to call the police on me for security checks. I have had to replace or repair my door multiple times.

I’ve been a nurse and can tell you that the vast majority of elderly people I cared for had no support from their children. Those people weren’t all narcissists. There are a lot of people who lack the empathy to understand how vulnerable their parents become as they grow older. This lack of empathy, from what I have seen, is a big part of why children don’t get involved in helping their elderly parents. We should judge that.

I am taking care of my mum with Alzheimers for 4.5 years now. My choice. But then again I am not English or American and in our culture we honor our parents. I stopped work to do this and i do not see it as a burden.

Its true that not all people are weak. There are a lot of strong old people who are stronger then many YOUNG ones.

I think another point in this conversation is that not everyone has had the same relationship with thier parents. Children shouldn't be made to feel an obligation to take on elder care for thier parents nor should they be forced to. This can only worsen so many situations.

We live in a selfish society.

being grateful for your parents taking care of you is plain foolish. Them feeding you, clothing you, and housing you is a parents RESPONSIBILITY as a parent. The bare minimum that they CHOSE to have when having kids. Do you ask for a puppy, feed him, and house then say he should be grateful and owes you? Of course not you chose to get the puppy and it’s responsibilities. You can be grateful towards your parents of course but don’t get brainwashed into thinking you owe them everything for the BARE MINIMUM responsibilities THEY CHOSE when having children. But of course many 3rd world countries don’t think of responsibilities and pop out kids left and right in poverty then explain their kids owe them and should be grateful for what they had that parents are supposed to do as good responsible people in the first place.

Thank you so much for this video. I care for my over 90 year old granny doing everything I can to keep her in her home. Some days I feel bad and this video helped thank you.

I do want to point out that not caring for an elderly parent doesn't always have to do with a fraught family history but logistics and temperament . Maybe the adult child lives far away , cant afford to take a lot of time off work and just doesn't do well juggling a lot of responsibilities or have the temperament for caregiving . All relevant reasons !

I am spending a few weeks at my father's and your video is spot on. He is 80 and has narcissistic personality. I put aside my resentment and want to help him. Indeed, I see him sleeping a lot, spending most day laying. His apartment is full of stuff he hoards, and I try to clean up but it is hard to throw it away. Despite the mean hurtful words, when I don't meet his needs (giving him all my attention and day), I can see he is not doing well and don't know how to help.

If my father hadn't taken out fraudulent loans in my name and wrecked my credit before I reached the age of 18, I might have the means to pay for his elder care. I will do my best, but he robbed me, so expecting me to pay for his care now is a bit of a stretch.

Its really difficult when a parent is elderly and needs a care giver.. At our elder law firm in Arkansas we often have to help families prepare the legal documents to get assisted living care or to do their estate planning. Great job on this video. Would be great to collaborate.

In this past 6 months I had cold twice, thought i had a heart attack false alarm and now I'm suffering from stomach bug the worst illness I experienced recently. My ungrateful, pain in the neck parents are the most selfish and they were never loving or supportive towards me mum especially was and is abusive. So I dont know how I ended up in this situation. As I kid my tooth was extracted and the wound was not healing had blood in my mouth and my pillow had stains not once she asked me let me see your mouth. Her friend saw it she told my mum off and took me to the dentist where they had to stitch the gum... And now I take her to dentist and I'm going to be honest I hate doing this. I can't stand them, don't want to hear their voices or see their faces. Once I'm recovered from this awful illness I'm going to have a honest chat with them. Tell them exactly how I feel about them. This is way too ridiculous not to treat your child right then expect them to take care of you? Nope is not gonna happen

Great vid! Thank you for spreading the wisdom! I have personal and some professional experience with the elder population, and found everything you said very much so 🙏🏽🤗⏳✨

My mother spends most of her retired days in bed and its killing her health. Also,i understand people who had a difficult relationship with their parents. Not everyone loves their parents because they never received any love from them.

You spent years with seniors and fully understand their needs, behaviour and solutions, no doubt Yr suggestions here r conclusion of yr experience and the best way to serve humanity

In my country you are legally responsible for older parents, you would have to prove they have done something really bad to you (s*xual abuse for example, mental abuse isn't enough) in order to be allowed not to care for them.

I take care of a bedridden husband for the last 5 years.he had 2 surgery s.he is starting to walk again.lots of hard work and exercises.i have a broken back in 2 places. A female problem.need eye surgery.and im lame in my right foot.i run a ranch with livestock.im seeing a dr. For myself next month.to fix a few things.we have a daughter who lives a hour away.no help from her att all. I will tell her whats going on with her dad.when i get real sick.im not telling her anything.i will try to take care of myself till the end.she comes up for the holidays and expects me to cook for all of us.which i do.❤

Thank you so much, for providing some sanity in what is truly insanity.

Can you help with how to care for elderly narcissistic parents. I believe that we should honor our parents and do the right thing and take care of them but I want to make sure I'm doing it right and that I am handling it in a proper manner and honoring God as well as my parents. I gone through a lot of stress taking care of my parent but at the same time my parent also has good traits but when we get together and stay for a while then that's when it becomes very stressful between us. So stressful that I was overwhelmed and would cry. However, I'm very forgiving and I always talk to my parent with much love as we live long distance and we have a good relationship when we talk on the phone and my parent tends to be supportive and so in some ways we are close but I do get worried about the time will come when I have to be there consistently and I've taken care of my parent before and I went to a lot of stress and I had no help from my siblings. My siblings have never cared for her when it came to surgery or doctor's appointments or going to get groceries and just everything everything that a person needs to survive. They helped her financially and take her to dinner and although they've gone through some things with our parent at the same time caregiving is probably the hardest thing compared to that. Thank you so much for all you do and may God bless you

That is a one on one case! Sometimes we stop our lives for years to help aging parents, and go bankrupt! Lost business, and fall fully into indebtedness. Yes, we are supposed to help our parents BUT IT CAN BE VERY STRESSFUL STRESSFUL CRAZY 😫 COMMITMENT, AND NARCIST PARENTS DO NOT CHANGE JUST BECAUSE THEY GET SICK OR OLD IN FACT THEY CAN GET EVEN WORSE! MORE ACCUSSING, MORE DEMANDING AND BY THE WAY, NOT MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR THEM, IS NEVER ENOUGH. THEY STILL CAN BE VERY MEANT TO YOU WHILE YOU ARE HELPING THEM. THEY MAY COMPARE YOU WITH "better" people 😤 and they may feel very entitled to your time and resources. And in the end they will still try to diminish you and destroy you in the process. I think everyone should plan for their elderly years without the help of thier children, because when we get old we don't need children, sorry to say, what we really need is money so we can pay for our medical care and services without bothering anyone. Not even our children, as much as it is good to help our elderly parents, WE PARENTS SHOULD NOT BECOME A BURDEN FOR OUR CHILDREN. To me helping aging parents is an honor and absolute a very costly blessing! Everything in this life has a price! Especially love! And if you don't believe me, ask Jesus. .loving us,.it did cost him his life. Real love has a very expensive price tag. Yes I will do it again, but only this time I will pay somebody to do it for me so I know better. Honor your parents! For your own sake, but for your own good, so that when is over and done, YOU HAVE PEACE IN YOUR HEART KNOWING THAT YOU HAVE DONE GOD'S WORK TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITIES. AMEN AND GOD BLESS

Reposted a reply to the main comments for obvious reasons... (desperation): @all This is exactly what I'm going through. Crazy I find this video and can relate to so many! You are so right I was guilted by my mom to hate my Dad for cheating on her and having her on this pedestal for feeding me frozen/canned food and keeping clothes on my back when much of that was provided by my grandmother and step-father. Now I'm older with a son of my own. Looking at the whole picture my mom slept in and started work late so she got home late. She was mostly absent or completely abandoned me with my dad for some of my childhood when my dad always visited me. For years my mom never visited. Now she is 75 years old, with dementia on 2 antidepressants and she's this weird old, cold, void person who is chasing younger men. She plasters on gallons of make up and has people tell her she looks young for her age but with out the make-up she looks exactly like my grandmother before she passed at 72. Can anyone offer advice? I pay my moms bills and everything is expensive. I take care of all this yard work for her, pay her a couple grand a month and clean her house... and none of it is appreciated at all. It's just so weird. I'm her indentured servant and she acts like a 13 year old boy crazy terrible teen. What do I do can anyone help?

A channel I watch used your audio in a spoof video. I was immediately intrigued so I looked at the dx and saw the link to this video. It’s exactly what my partner (and myself as a result) is enduring. My FIL moved in with us unexpectedly in March 2020 due to having his ear removed related to melanoma. He healed amazingly well but wasn’t able to be alone for the first few months bc of radiation post surgery. Anyway, he was a severely abusive alcoholic who beat my partner (55M) for his entire youth and then some. Trouble is, he will speak about everyone else drinking and acting a fool except himself. He’s also extremely crabby and spends 99% of his day in and out of the kitchen which is the only place I love to be in this house so it has affected my freedom in a way although I don’t let it affect me other than being very annoyed when I have to drop everything to have a 20 min conversation about the consistency of his dogs feces every single day (it’s literally an obsessive conversation with him). I am so happy to have found a video about this and will absolutely be watching more.

I am a parent of 4 adult children, I adore my kids, give to and help them when I can.. I was born with a crippling disease in the MD family called CMT1A. It affects my nerves and muscles similar to MS. I am out debt, insured, have a mortgage free home. I have become more disabled, use a walker inside and a power chair outside. My home is rural. I can't go places alone. I can't mow the yard. I don't want to be a burden but I need help the state won't provide because I can bathe, dress myself, etc. My insurance won't cover a nursing home and my children can't afford it and I'm really not bad off enough to be in a nursing home. Interesting how this lady is talking like she understands how it is to be the elderly person yet she isn't the elderly person.

My elderly mother does sleep A LOT. I don't know if it's related to her Alzheimers meds (I don't think so, but I have no idea.) She typically is only up about 8 hours a day.

Well gee thanks Doc. My kids don't want me and assisted living is above my touch even with Veterans Aid and Attendance. There very literally is nothing for rent in my area. What am I supposed to do? Live in my car at 80? In a cold climate? I live with my daughter for now and while I can hear her footsteps she doesn't come down for a week at a time. I'm very reluctant to go upstairs as I don't want bother either she or her husband. I took care of my grandmother, my aunt and husband of 50 years before they died. I have no brothers or sisters. Now when my daughter comes downstairs it's when she wants something or she may hang out for 10 min. I have heart failure but have managed it for some 15 years now, quite successfully. It's harder getting up the stairs but I can do it. I feed myself, order groceries delivered but have to hire someone to take up the garbage or laundry. Oh, and I take care of her very sick cat that's dying of cancer. But I'm sure many here will call me a narcissist and "toxic".

Thanks for this. I only today learned the job title Geriatrician. My mom had a small stroke, and is in hospital, and i find the doctor unable to counsel me on what's happening to my mom overall. She's 79, and she's changing. Is it possible for adult children of the elderly to sit down with a geriatrician to get some info on just what does happen when people get old? Like, as for dementia, they don't want to diagnose it early at the hospital, Dr said, it's something where the elderly patient is brought in already quite advanced for this diagnosis. otherwise it causes offense. But if that's the reason for my mom's odd behaviour these past few years, I want to know. It would soften offences laid upon me by her. It seems like there's a lot I don't know about getting old. I have subscribed to learn more, from your channel.

Poor mommy in her chair, body gave out on her.

It’s also important to note that advice such as this is given from a Westernized perspective and that those teachings are often benefit those who are WEIRD. (Westernized, educated, industrialized, rich and Democratic) While the question seems to be a no-brainer for those with troubled childhoods, I think the answer could hold more nuance for those who had great childhoods and live their parents. The attitude that I see from many people is that putting their parents in a home is not necessarily because of life circumstances but as a form of punishment and revenge.

i feel obligated to take care of my mother because she suffers from mental illness and she has advanced copd. i lost my uncle to cancer this year and now im paranoid im going to lose her too. i never have a moment's peace. i constantly call her to make sure she's still alive. i can't live like this. i don't know what to do anymore.

On point!

Had it up here trying to keep my elderly abusivr father company. It's just not worth my sanity anymore to try to show love towards someone who has never been a decent man.

Pray to god for your family people. They are not perfect,like you,and many of them are even MORE imperfect then you can tolerate. We are all born into this world without having ANY CHOICE about what kind of PEOPLE we want to be. Im sure that if people had the freedom to choose how they want to be,many would choose to be DECENT and GREAT people. Also,im sure, that many would choose never to be BORN on this planet either.

It’s not a myth. Children should care for their parents if parents care for them. Honor your mother & your father. 5th Commandment.

Is that an excuse. Am Jamaican and a np in America. I took care of my father from 21-35, working two jobs, yes I put my needs aside because that’s how I was raised. Most filipinos, Jamaicans, Africans, just to name a few care for their elderly parents at home. It’s a family affair. Your parents cared for you as a child. It is now their time that they need you so you need to make sure that you are there for them 100%. My mother and I do not have a great relationship but she’s the only mother I have and I love her and if anything was to happen to her, I would drop everything and I would go and I will take care of her that’s just what you do. And furthermore in Jamaica, we don’t have no nursing homes because family is who takes care of family, your life is not too important and too precious for you to care for your family. But then I am an outsider looking in maybe if I was born in America and raised in America maybe I would have the same perspective. This is just an opinion and that’s just how I feel. Thank you.

What goes around comes around. Parents will spend Hundreds of thousands even Millions giving the Son's and Daughters a better life. This is Happening in Western society. Parents end up in old age homes.

Our ancestors had it much easier when it comes to the dilemma of what to do with elderly parents. most people died by 50. they were the lucky ones.

As someone who does not have a personality disorder, it is very unpleasant to be in that situation when a narcissistic parent has isolated their own child from the family, then turns around and expects the adult child to be there. It reignites the trauma because the need is less than genuine as I have learned to see through the manipulation. It's merely a loss of power and control over their own lives and the circle in which they belonged. They will then attempt to gain power and control over whomever they feel is vulnerable going back to the child that was the scapegoat. It is horrifying!

I 100% disagree with your title in my husband’s situation. His mother is a narcissist, and very passive aggressive. She tries to make her sons her husband, and insists on 100% of his attention. She will even fake a fall , of be incontinent of stool all over the floor so they will have to be helped, or cleaned up after. Then she tells everyone what a good son she has for cleaning up after her. For the past at least five years she’s been sending all of her money to scammers, and has been repeatedly shown they aren’t who they say they are. She has a pretty good retirement income, but instead of taking care of herself she sends it to Nigerian men she’s never met!

I would NEVER NOT care for my parents “honor thy Father and Mother “ My Mom is EXTREMELY difficult but I do my best. Other societies don’t dump their old people in nursing homes and neglect them.

If you're in your parents will and they are leaving you, all of their money, do you want less by paying an expensive nursing home. Your inheritance $$$ could be 0 Or take care of them to save your inheritance $$$ FAMILY COMES FIRST

Maybe not every case but the children should take care of the parents. One good reason is your kids see how you treat your parents and your kids will treat you the same way.

Well, my parents never took care of their parents 😅. And mine are at our house ( first my brother the other brother then my sister the other sister now me) since the age of 50 spending their money on casinos and saying they are doing everything alone that nobody helps them 🤔. They are now 65. Did we do it wrong. and I left the house when I was 15.

Wow, those mean mugging older folks really hit the nail on the head😂

I am Disgusted to learn that 30 states have Laws (on the books) which require people to take care of their elderly parents!! Thank God the state in which I live in (Illinois) is Not one of those states!!! >-(

Wow. So completely void of duty or honor. This disfunction appears to be a sign of a falling society dependent on the state because the family unit has crumbled. We should take note of other cultures and how families care for each other and live together.

I am so grateful for my mother who rarely asks for anything. My father died 13 years ago, and she’s cared for herself, and her home ever since. She is about a year older than my mother in law who is a nightmare! She sends all her money to scammers, and is so vial, and nasty that not even nursing homes want her. She could afford a small place, with a live in caregiver if she’d stop sending $$ to scammers. Of course most people wouldn’t want to take care of her because she’s such a horrible person.

Is this a podcast

Do you think parents should give up on their narcissistic or troubled child

Can i have a caregiver Job im 49 still strong

I will leave my parents in 3 if my siblings don't help

The people who say you shouldn't be grateful because they're "supposed to do that". Let me ask you this. When a doctor helps cure someone from a horrible disease/condition etc, why do people thank them and sometimes go out of their way to make it up to the doctor somehow? They're supposed to do that, no? It's just a silly argument. That just because someone is supposed to do something, you shouldn't be grateful...lol what?

Now I know not to get a Geriatric MD.☠️

This should not be a question

I live in SE Asia and it is unthinkable to a family to put their parents in a home or not care for them. They consider it an honor not a chore. For them it is unthinkable to say ‘No’, lets go the whole hog in the west and if your 10 yr old has MS and is a challenge to take care of lets just turf them into state care, hell get them adopted. Many ‘Geriatrics’ by definition of the term are not themselves either physically, mentally or both. If you think taking care of your Mum or Dad is ruining your life or too much work you are a selfish sob that should have been put i to foster care at birth.

I see family values are alive and well here

As long as the adult children are glad that they have no inheritance left because the parents have spent it all on home care or care in a long term care facility. Oh and maybe there won’t be enough left to cover the funeral and burial or cremation costs depending on the income of the parents. What have we done as parents that our children feel no concern for how we spend our last decade? So sad that we gave up vacations and remortgaged our homes to pay for their university educations and now are being told not to expect any help from our now educated with good jobs adult children! Seriously????

Kids just dont care not more both my parents struggled to be there for us kids they both just wasn't good parents but when they got older I was there for them and these kids are just self absorbed and don't care

It’s sad that people fail to realize life is a cycle 🔁 you will get old 2👀👀🕊🕊🕊

Reminder to parents, you aren't obligated to give your will to your children. Give them nothing. When you give your house to them, they will kick you out from the same house.

Narcissistic age of parents will ensure to destroy anyone'a life.

Better to live alone not with children just with my 2 cats😊

Elderly I strongly encourage you to maintain your Independence and exclude any toxic control freak or relative who would just love your estate even if it means putting you in a nursing home to get it sooner. Legally exclude them and depending on how toxic they are do not put them on your will. Make yourself a small Target. Do not have toxic helpers around you either. Kids do not have a responsibility if you make legal documents to completely exclude them and get an alternative that actually cares about you and is genuine.

Parents should send their children to orphanages. An orphanage is a bare minimum, just like a nursing home is. Why should you be expected to devote your entire life raising your children with privileges and give away the property you worked for to them when you will be kicked away from the house by them when you're old anyway?

He wasn't there for me, I won't be there for him!

It's their fault because they don't have a retirement plan.

You seem so broken and confused 🤔

This video and the comments that I have read on here are some of most sorriest things I have ever heard in my life. I am so glad that my mom and dad raised me better. They provided for me, went above and beyond. Made sure I never did without. Raised me in church, taught me to love the Lord and honor his commandments. To those of you who don't think it's right for us to take care of our parents when they can't do it themselves and they provided for you, you all will have a serious payday.

The narcissist(Dad) will not see/hear me wait on him(I never did, nor do, or will I) in the future. He'll be a lonely, bitter, old man; his fault.

For me I think we are responsible to take care of our parents since they brought us up since we are babies. We cannot just send them to old age homes. They are our family, they took care of us, they send us to school, they gave us their love just to built a good healthy family. So yeah I can never imagined not to take care of our parents. Yes i know sometimes they are hard being narcist and so on. But they are still our parents and that narcist attitude happens to most of them due to their age. But hey this is just my opinion and our tradition

This generation is full of sociopaths who only think of themselves and void of responsibility for their family instead of sticking together as they should. It’s your responsibility to take care of your parents in their final days just as they took care of you when you were infants; they could have just as easily abandoned you at an orphanage just the same as you think of dropping them off in a nursing facility but their love for you said no and they chose to raise you so why shouldn’t you afford them the same gratitude for all they’ve done for you?

Why don't you go find something else to do and get off of there

No. I dont think we're under any obligation to take care of our elderly parents. I certainly dont with mine. Just cos they took care of us when we were kids dont mean we should take care of them when they are old. a childs destiny is to grow up and reproduce themselves. An elderly person has done their duty and lived their lives so their destiny is to die so let them

First of all, ignoring old parents is done by cowards and doesn't matter if they have PhD degrees or they hold higher or lower positions in society. When kids were young parents don't leave so mature kids don't leave their old parents or sick parents.

If kids took care of their old parents you would not have a job

My opinion. Stop being a burden on your kids. Stop taking all those medicines to make you live longer. What with your walkers, baby care. I’m a care taker, and it ruining MY life, when I was done, and get to enjoy my old(er) age. Nope! Another baby. As soon as you can’t, please don’t. I’m not going to. That’s the gift I’m giving my kids, even though the actually like me and want them to live with them.

You should read your Bible and what it says about taking care of your elderly parents. I'm going to venture to say maybe you didn't have loving parents... You should listen to what Joyce Meyer says about taking care of your elderly parents. she was mentally, emotionally, physically sexually abused by her father until she left home at age 18 and her mother knew it... And God told her to take care of her aging parents. so I find what you say very offensive!!! 🙏🙏🙏

What goes around comes around Tomorrow the same kids will be old and powerless.

thanks for participating. 🤍