Chip Cheekley and his band The Assless Chaps are among the most acclaimed country artists in the contemporary Austin (Texas) music scene. They closed the forty-fifth anniversary episode of the Austin City Limits television program with their song "I Fell on the Toilet Brush (Again)."
LYRICS:
Pull up a chair and have a listen.
I have a hell of a story to tell you.
You may not believe it, but it's all true ...
Even the made-up parts of it.
You see ...
I must be the unluckiest man alive.
Well, I ...
Fell on the toilet brush again
You can blame it on the whiskey and the gin
You see, I slipped in the dang ol' shower
Oh, I must be the clumsiest of men
Well, I ...
Fell on the toilet brush again
You can blame it on the whiskey and the gin
Now my asshole's wrecked
And I don't know if I'll ever shit again
Well, my wife up and left me.
All because I kept ruining the toilet brushes,
And the shampoo bottles,
And the toothpaste tubes,
And the loofahs
(whatever the hell those are),
And even the little decorative soaps.
I wish her well.
I hope she finds a man who's less clumsy than me.
'Cause, I ...
Fell on the toilet brush again
I can't blame it on the whiskey or the gin
Now my rectum's ruined
And my colon ... really took it on the chin
'Cause, I ...
Fell on the toilet brush again
I can't blame it on the whiskey or the gin
Don't know how much more my ass can take
But I know it's less than ten (inches, that is)
All because I ...
Fell on the toilet brush again
Well, I went to the hospital.
I saw that look on the nurse's face.
She already knew why I was there.
She led me to a private room.
She got out the goose grease.
She lathered up my poor asshole.
She pulled and pulled until she yanked that toilet brush right out of my poopchute.
God bless her.
The relief was immediate.